. 

gfcliY 

DAVIS 


THE 


MONIKINS; 


EDITED  BY  THE  AUTHOR  OP  "THE  SPY.'V 


"Then  thou  knewest  her?"  said  the  knight. 

"  Not  I,"  answered  the  squire ;  "but  the  person  who  told  me  the  story, 
said  it  was  so  true  and  certain,  that  if  ever  I  should  chance  to  tell  it  again, 
I  might  affirm  upon  oath,  that  I  had  seen  it  with  my  own  eyes." 

Sancho  Panza. 


IN  TWO  VOLUMES. 
VOL.  I. 


CAREY,  LEA,  &   BLANCHARD. 

1835. 


LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

-  -  PAVIS 


ENTERED  according  to  the  act  of  congress,  in  the  year  1835, 
by  CARET,  LEA,  &  BLANCHABD,  in  the  clerk's  office  of  the  dis 
trict  court  of  the  eastern  district  of  Pennsylvania. 


INTRODUCTION. 


IT  is  not  improbable  that  some  of  those  who  read 
this  book,  may  feel  a  wish  to  know  in  what  man 
ner  I  became  possessed  of  the  manuscript.  Such 
a  desire  is  too  just  and  natural  to  be  thwarted,  and 
the  tale  shall  be  told  as  briefly  as  possible. 

During  the  summer  of  1828,  while  travelling 
among  those  valleys  of  Switzerland  which  lie  be 
tween  the  two  great  ranges  of  the  Alps,  and  in 
which  both  the .  Rhone  and  the  Rhine  take  their 
rise,  I  had  passed  from  the  sources  of  the  latter  to 
those  of  the  former  river,  and  had  reached  that 
basin  in  the  mountains  that  is  so  celebrated  for  con 
taining  the  glacier  of  the  Rhone,  when  chance  gave 
me  one  of  those  rare  moments  of  sublimity  and 
solitude,  which  are  the  more  precious  in  the  other 
hemisphere  from  their  infrequency.  On  every  side 
the  view  was  bounded  by  high  and  ragged  moun 
tains,  their  peaks  glittering  near  the  sun,  while  di 
rectly  before  me,  and  on  a  level  with  the  eye,  lay 
that  miraculous  frozen  sea,  out  of  whose  drippings 
the  Rhone  starts  a  foaming  river,  to  glance  away 
to  the  distant  Mediterranean.  For  the  first  time, 
during  a  pilgrimage  of  years,  I  felt  alone  with  na 
ture  in  Europe.  Alas  !  the  enjoyment,  as  all  such 
enjoyments  necessarily  are  amid  the  throngs  of  the 
old  world,  was  short  and  treacherous.  A  party 


viii  INTRODUCTION. 

came  round  the  angle  of  a  rock,  along  the  narrow 
bridle-path,  in  single  files ;  two  ladies  on  horseback, 
followed  by  as  many  gentlemen  on  foot,  and  pre 
ceded  by  the  usual  guide.  It  was  but  small  cour 
tesy  to  rise  and  salute  the  dove-like  eyes  and  bloom 
ing  cheeks  of  the  former,  as  they  passed.  They 
were  English,  and  the  gentlemen  appeared  to  re 
cognize  me  as  a  countryman.  One  of  the  latter 
stopped,  and  politely  inquired  if  the  passage  of  the 
Furca  was  obstructed  by  snow.  He  was  told  not, 
and  in  return  for  the  information,  said  that  I  would 
find  the  Grimsel  a  little  ticklish ;  "  but,"  he  added, 
smiling,  "  the  ladies  succeeded  in  crossing,  and  you 
will  scarcely  hesitate."  I  thought  I  might  get  over 
a  difficulty  that  his  fair  companions  had  conquered. 
He  then  told  me  Sir  Herbert  Taylor  was  made  ad 
jutant-general,  and  wished  me  good  morning. 

I  sat  reflecting  on  the  character,  hopes,  pursuits 
and  interests  of  man,  for  an  hour,  concluding  that 
the  stranger  was  a"  soldier,  who  let  some  of  the  or 
dinary  workings  of  his  thoughts  overflow  in  this 
brief  and  casual  interview.  To  resume  my  solita 
ry  journey,  cross  the  Rhone,  and  toil  my  way  up 
the  rugged  side  of  the  Grimsel,  consumed  two  more 
hours,  and  glad  was  I  to  come  in  view  of  the  little 
chill-looking  sheet  of  water  on  its  summit,  which  is 
called  the  Lake  of  the  Dead.  The  path  was  filled 
with  snow,  at  a  most  critical  point,  where,  indeed, 
a  misplaced  footstep  might  betray  the  incautious  to 
their  destruction.  A  large  party  on  the  other  side 
appeared  fully  aware  of  the  difficulty,  for  it  had 


INTRODUCTION1.  IX 

halted,  and- was  in  earnest  discussion  with  the  guide, 
touching  the  practicability  of  passing.  It  was  de 
cided  to  attempt  the  enterprise.  First  came  a  fe 
male  of  one  of  the  sweetest,  serenest  countenances 
I  had  ever  seen.  She,  too,  was  English ;  and  though 
she  trembled,  and  blushed,  and  laughed  at  herself, 
she  came  on  with  spirit,  and  would  have  reach 
ed  my  side  in  safety,  had  not  an  unlucky  stone 
turned  beneath  a  foot  that  was  much  too  pretty  for 
those  wild  hills.  I  sprang  forward,  and  was  so 
happy  as  to  save  her  from  destruction.  She  felt 
the  extent  of  the  obligation,  and  expressed  her 
thanks  modestly  but  with  fervor.  In  a  minute  we 
were  joined  by  her  husband,  who  grasped  my  hand 
with  warm  feeling,  or  rather  with  the  emotion  one 
ought  to  feel  who  had  witnessed  the  risk  he  had  just 
run  of  losing  an  angel.  The  lady  seemed  satisfied 
at  leaving  us  together. 

"  You  are  an  Englishman  ?"  said  the  stranger. 

"  An  American." 

"An  American!  This  is  singular will  you 

pardon  a  question? — You  have  more  than  saved 

my  life — you  have  probably  saved  my  reason 

will  you  pardon  a  question  ? Can  money  serve 

you?" 

I  smiled,  and  told  him,  odd  as  it  might  appear  to 
him,  that  though  an  American,  I  was  a  gentleman. 
He  appeared  embarrassed,  and  his  fine  face  work 
ed,  until  I  began  to  pity  him,  for  it  was  evident  he 
wished  to  show  me  in  some  way,  how  much  he  felt 


X  INTRODUCTION. 

he  was  my  debtor,  and  yet  he  did  not  know  exactly 
what  to  propose. 

"We  may  meet  again,"  I  said,  squeezing  his 
hand. 

"  Will  you  receive  my  card  ?" 

"  Most  willingly." 

He  put  "  Viscount  Householder"  into  my  hand, 
and  in  return  I  gave  him  my  own  humble  appellation. 

He  looked  from  the  card  to  me,  and  from  me  to 
the  card,  and  some  agreeable  idea  appeared  to  flash 
upon  his  mind. 

"  Shall  you  visit  Geneva  this  summer  ?"  he  ask 
ed,  earnestly. 

"Within  a  month." 

"  Your  address " 

"  Hotel  del'Ecu." 

"  You  shall  hear  from  me. — Adieu." 

We  parted,  he,  his  lovely  wife  and  his  guides  de 
scending  to  the  Rhone,  while  I  pursued  my  way  to 
the  Hospice  of  the  GrimseL  Within  the  month,  I 
received  a  large  packet  at  1'Ecu.  It  contained  a 
valuable  diamond  ring,  with  a  request  that  I  would 
wear  it,  as  a  memorial  of  Lady  Householder,  and 
a  fairly  written  manuscript.  The  following  short 
note  explained  the  wishes  of  the  writer. 

"  Providence  brought  us  together  for  more  purposes  than 
were,  at  first,  apparent  I  have  long  hesitated  about  pub 
lishing  the  accompanying  narrative,  for  in  England  there  is 
a  disposition  to  cavil  at  extraordinary  facts,  but  the  distance 
of  America  from  my  place  of  residence  will  completely  save 


INTRODUCTION.  XI 

me  from  ridicule.  The  world  must  have  the  truth,  and  I  see 
no  better  means  than  by  resorting  to  your  agency.  All  I  ask 
is  that  you  will  have  the  book  fairly  printed,  and  that  you 
will  send  one  copy  to  my  address,  Householder-hall,  Dorset 
shire,  England,  and  another  to  Capt.  Noah  Poke,  Stonington, 
Connecticut,  in  your  own  country.  My  Anna  prays  for  you, 
and  is  ever  your  friend.  Do  not  forget  us. 

Yours,  most  faithfully, 

HOUSEHOLDER." 

I  have  rigidly  complied  with  this  request,  and 
having  sent  the  two  copies  according  to  direction, 
the  rest  of  the  edition  is  at  the  disposal  of  any  one 
who  may  feel  an  inclination  to  pay  for  it.  In  return 
for  the  copy  sent  to  Stonington,  I  received  the  fol 
lowing  letter. 

"On  board  the  Debby  and  Dolly,  Stunnin'tun, 

April  1st,  1835. 
AUTHOR  OF  THE  SPY,  Esquire, 

Dear  Sir, — Your  favour  is  come  to  hand,  and  found  me 
in  good  health,  as  I  hope  these  few  lines  will  have  the  same 
advantage  with  you.  I  have  read  the  book,  and  must  say 
there  is  some  truth  in  it,  which,  I  suppose,  is  as  much  as  be 
falls  any  book,  the  Bible,  the  Almanac,  and  the  State  Laws* 
excepted.  I  remember  Sir  John  well,  and  shall  gainsay  no 
thing  he  testifies  to,  for  the  reason  that  friends  should  not 
contradict  each  other.  I  was  also  acquainted  with  the  four 
Monikins  he  speaks  of,  though  I  knew  them  by  differentnames. 
Miss  Poke  says  she  wonders  if  it's  all  true,  which  I  wunt  tell 
her,  seeing  that  a  little  unsartainty  makes  a  woman  rational. 
As  to  my  navigating  without  geometry,  that's  a  matter  that 
was'n't  worth  booking,  for  it's  no  cur'osity  in  these  parts, 
bating  a  look  at  the  compass  once  or  twice  a  day,  and  so  I 
take  my  leave  of  you,  with  offers  to  do  any  commission  for 


XH  INTRODUCTION. 

you  among  the  Sealing  Islands,  for  which  I  sail  tomorrow, 
wind  and  weather  permitting. 

Yours  to  sarve, 

NOAH  POKE. 

To  the  Author  of  the  Spy,  Esquire, 
town, County,  York  State. 

P.  S.  I  always  told  Sir  John  to  steer  clear  of  too  much 
journalizing,  but  he  did  nothing  but  write,  night  and  day,  for 
a  week ;  and  as  you  brew,  so  you  must  bake.  The  wind  has 
chopped,  and  we  shall  take  our  anchor  this  tide ;  so  no  more 
at  present. 

N.  B.  Sir  John  is  a  little  out  about  my  eating  the  mon 
key,  which  I  did,  four  years  before  I  fell  in  with  him,  down 
on  the  Spanish  Main.  It  was  not  bad  food  to  the  taste,  but 
it  was  wonderful  narvous  to  the  eye.  I  r'ally  thought  I 
had  got  hold  of  Miss  Poke's  youngest  born." 


CONTENTS  OF  VOL.  I 


CHAPTER  I. 

Page 

The  Author's  pedigree — also,  that  of  his  Father    ....    15 

CHAPTER  II. 
Touching  myself  and  ten  thousand  pounds 32 

CHAPTER  III. 

Opinions  of  our  author's  ancestor,  together  with  some  of 
his  own,  and  some  of  other  people's 43 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Showing  the  ups  and  downs,  the  hopes  and  fears,  and 
the  vagaries  of  love,  some  views  of  death,  and  an  ac 
count  of  an  inheritance 56 

CHAPTER  V. 

About  the  social-stake  system,  the  dangers  of  concentra 
tion,  and  other  moral  and  immoral  curiosities 73 

CHAPTER  VI. 

A  theory  of  palpable  sublimity  —  some  practical  ideas, 
and  the  commencement  of  adventures 90 

CHAPTER  VII. 

Touching  an  amphibious  animal,  a  special  introduction, 
and  its  consequences 104 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

An  introduction  to  four  new  characters,  some  touches  of 
philosophy,  and  a  few  capital  thoughts  on  political 

economy 113 

VOL.  I.  2 


x'lV  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  IX. 

The  commencement  of  wonders,  which  are  the  more  ex 
traordinary  on  account  of  their  truth 129 

CHAPTER  X. 

A  great  deal  of  negotiation,  in  which  human  shrewdness 
is  completely  shamed,  and  human  ingenuity  is  shown 
to  be  of  a  very  secondary  quality 144 

CHAPTER  XL 

A  philosophy  that  is  bottomed  on  something  substan 
tial — Some  reasons  plainly  presented,  and  cavilling 
objections  put  to  flight,  by  a  charge  of  logical  bayonets  159 

CHAPTER  XII. 

Better  and  better — A  higher  flight  of  reason — More 
obvious  truths,  deeper  philosophy,  and  facts  that  even 
an  ostrich  might  digest 177 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

A  chapter  of  preparations — Discrimination  in  character 
— A  tight  fit,  and  other  conveniences,  with  some  judg 
ment  197 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

How  to  steer  small— How  to  run  the  gauntlet  with  a 
ship— How  to  go  clear— A  new-fashioned  screw-dock, 
and  certain  mile-stones 213 

CHAPTER  XV. 

An  arrival ;  forms  of  reception ;  several  new  christen 
ings;  an  official  document,  and  terra  finna 230 


THE    MONIKINS. 

CHAPTER  I. 

The  Author's  pedigree — also,  that  of  his  Father. 

THE  philosopher  who  broaches  a  new  theory  is 
bound  to  furnish,  at  least,  some  elementary  proofs 
of  the  reasonableness  of  his  positions,  and  the  his 
torian  who  ventures  to  record  marvels  that  have 
hitherto  been  hid  from  human  knowledge,  owes  it 
to  a  decent  regard  to  the  opinions  of  others,  to  pro 
duce  some  credible  testimony  in  favor  of  his  vera 
city.  I  am  peculiarly  placed  in  regard  to  these 
two  great  essentials,  having  little  more  than  its 
plausibility  to  offer  in  favor  of  my  philosophy,  and 
no  other  witness  than  myself  to  establish  the  impor 
tant  facts  that  are  now  about  to  be  laid  before  the 
reading  world,  for  the  first  time.  In  this  dilemma, 
I  fully  feel  the  weight  of  responsibility  under  which 
I  stand ;  for  there  are  truths  of  so  little  apparent 
probability  as  to  appear  fictions,  and  fictions  so  like 
the  truth  that  the  ordinary  observer  is  very  apt  to 
affirm  that  he  was  an  eye-witness  to  their  exist 
ence  :  two  facts  that  all  our  historians  would  do 
well  to  bear  in  mind,  since  a  knowledge  of  the  cir 
cumstances  might  spare  them  the  mortification  of 
having  testimony  that  cost  a  deal  of  trouble,  dis 
credited  in  the  one  case,  and  save  a  vast  deal  of 
painful  and  unnecessary  labor,  in  the  other.  Thrown 
upon  myself,  therefore,  for  what  the  French  call  les 
pieces  justificatives  of  my  theories,  as  well  as  of 


16  THE    MON1KINS. 

my  facts,  I  see  no  better  way  to  prepare  the  reader 
to  believe  me,  than  by  giving  an  unvarnished  nar 
rative  of  my  descent,  birth,  education  and  life,  up 
to  the  time  I  became  a  spectator  of  those  wonder 
ful  facts  it  is  my  happiness  to  record,  and  with 
which  it  is  now  his  to  be  made  acquainted. 

I  shall  begin  with  my  descent,  or  pedigree,  both 
because  it  is  in  the  natural  order  of  events,  and  be 
cause,  in  order  to  turn  this  portion  of  my  narrative 
to  a  proper  account,  in  the  way  of  giving  credibil 
ity  to  the  rest  of  it,  it  may  be  of  use  in  helping  to 
trace  effects  to  their  causes. 

I  have  generally  considered  myself  on  a  level 
with  the  most  ancient  gentlemen  of  Europe,  on  the 
score  of  descent,  few  families  being  more  clearly 
and  directly  traced  into  the  mist  of  time,  than  that 
of  which  I  am  a  member.  My  descent  from  my 
father  is  undeniably  established  by  the  parish  regis 
ter,  as  well  as  by  the  will  of  that  person  himself, 
and  I  believe  no  man  could  more  directly  prove  the 
truth  of  the  whole  career  of  his  family,  than  it  is 
in  my  power  to  show  that  of  my  ancestor  up  to  the 
hour  when  he  was  found,  in  the  second  year  of  his 
age,  crying  with  cold  and  hunger,  in  the  parish  of 
St.  Gites,  in  the  city  of  Westminster,  and  in  the 
United  Kingdom  of  Great  Britain.  An  orange- 
woman  had  pity  on  his  sufferings.  She  fed  him 
with  a  crust,  warmed  him  with  purl,  and  then  hu 
manely  led  him  to  an  individual  with  whom  she 
was  in  the  habit  of  having  frequent  but  angry  in 
terviews — the  parish  officer.  The  case  of  my  an 
cestor  was  so  obscure  as  to  be  clear.  No  one 
could  tell  to  whom  he  belonged,  whence  he  came, 
or  what  was  likely  to  become  of  him ;  and  as  the 
law  did  not  admit  of  the  starvation  of  children  in 
the  street,  under  circumstances  like  these,  the  pa 
rish  officer,  after  making  all  proper  efforts  to  induce 


THE  MONfflKINS.  17 

some  of  the  childless  and  benevolent  of  his  ac 
quaintance,  to  believe  that  an  infant  thus  abandoned 
was  intended  as  an  especial  boon  from  Providence 
to  each  of  them  in  particular,  was  obliged  to  com 
mit  my  father  to  the  keeping  of  one  of  the  regular 
nurses  of  the  parish.  It  was  fortunate  for  the  au 
thenticity  of  this  pedigree,  that  such  was  the  result 
of  the  orange- woman's  application ;  for,  had  my 
worthy  ancestor  been  subjected  to  the  happy  acci 
dents  and  generous  caprices  of  voluntary  charity, 
it  is  more  than  probable  I  should  be  driven  to  throw 
a  veil  over  those  important  years  of  his  life  that 
were  notoriously  passed  in  the  work-house,  but 
which,  in  consequence  of  that  occurrence,  are  now 
easily  authenticated  by  valid  minutes  and  docu 
mentary  evidence.  Thus  it  is  that  there  exists  no 
void  in  the  annals  of  our  family,  even  that  period 
which  is  usually  remembered  through  gossiping  and 
idle  tales  in  the  lives  of  most  men,  being  matter  of 
legal  record  in  that  of  my  progenitor,  and  so  con 
tinued  to  be  down  to  the  day  of  his  presumed  ma 
jority,  since  he  was  indented  to  a  careful  master 
the  moment  the  parish  could  with  any  legality,  put 
ting  decency  quite  out  of  the  question,  get  rid  of 
him.  I  ought  to  have  said,  that  the  orange-woman, 
taking  a  hint  from  the  sign  of  a  butcher  opposite  to 
whose  door  my  ancestor  was  found,  had  very  clev 
erly  given  him  the  name  of  Thomas  Goldencalf. 

This  second  important  transition  in  the  affairs  of 
my  father,  might  be  deemed  a  presage  of  his  future 
fortunes.  He  was  bound  apprentice  to  a  trader  in 
fancy  articles,  or  a  shopkeeper  who  dealt  in  such 
objects  as  are  usually  purchased  by  those  who  do 
not  well  know  what  to  do  with  their  money.  This 
trade  was  of  immense  advantage  to  the  future  pros 
perity  of  the  young  adventurer ;  for,  in  addition  to 
the  known  fact  that  they  who  amuse  are  much  bet- 
2* 


18  THE  MON1K1NS. 

ter  paid  than  they  who  instruct  their  fellow-crea 
tures,  his  situation  enabled  him  to  study  those  ca 
prices  of  men,  which,  properly  improved,  are  of 
themselves  a  mine  of  wealth,  as  well  as  to  gain  a 
knowledge  of  the  important  truth  that  the  greatest 
events  of  this  life  are  much  oftener  the  result  of 
impulse  than  of  calculation. 

I  have  it  by  a  direct  tradition,  orally  conveyed 
from  the  lips  of  my  ancestor,  that  no  one  could 
have  been  more  lucky  than  himself  in  the  charac 
ter  of  his  master.  This  personage,  who  came,  in 
time,  to  be  my  maternal  grandfather,  was  one  of 
those  wary  traders  who  encourage  others  in  their 
follies,  with  a  view  to  his  own  advantage,  and  the 
experience  of  fifty  years  had  rendered  him  so  ex 
pert  in  the  practices  of  his  calling,  that  it  was  sel 
dom  he  struck  out  a  new  vein  in  his  mine,  without 
finding  himself  rewarded  for  the  enterprise,  by  a 
success  that  was  fully  equal  to  his  expectations. 

"  Tom,"  he  said  one  day  to  his  apprentice,  when 
time  had  produced  confidence  and  awakened  sym 
pathies  between  them,  "  thou  art  a  lucky  youth,  or 
the  parish  officer  would  never  have  brought  thee 
to  my  door.  Thou  little  knowest  the  wealth  that 
is  in  store  for  thee,  or  the  treasures  that  are  at  thy 
command,  if  thou  provest  diligent,  and  in  particu 
lar  faithful  to  my  interests." — My  provident  grand 
father  never  missed  an  occasion  to  throw  in  a  use 
ful  moral,  notwithstanding  the  general  character  of 
veracity  that  distinguished  his  commerce. — "Now, 
what  dost  think,  lad,  may  be  the  amount  of  my 
capital  ?" 

My  ancestor  in  the  male  line  hesitated  to  reply, 
for,  hitherto,  his  ideas  had  been  confined  to  the 
profits ;  never  having  dared  to  lift  his  thoughts  as 
high  as  that  source  from  which  he  could  not  but  see 
they  flowed  in  a  very  ample  stream ;  but  thrown 


THE   MON1K1NS.  19 

upon  himself  by  so  unexpected  a  question,  and  being 
quick  at  figures,  after  adding  ten  per  cent,  to  the 
sum  which  he  knew  the  last  year  had  given  as  the 
nett  avails  of  their  joint  ingenuity,  he  named  the 
amount,  in  answer  to  the  interrogatory. 

My  maternal  grandfather  laughed  in  the  face  of 
my  direct  lineal  ancestor. 

'•  Thou  judgest,  Tom,"  he  said,  when  his  mirth 
was  a  little  abated,  "  by  what  thou  thinkest  is  the 
cost  of  the  actual  stock  before  thine  eyes,  when  thou 
should'st  take  into  the  account  that  which  I  term 
our  Jloating  capital." 

Tom  pondered  a  moment,  for  while  he  knew  that 
his  master  had  money  in  the  funds,  he  did  not  ac 
count  that  as  any  portion  of  the  available  means 
connected  with  his  ordinary  business;  and  as  for  a 
floating  capital,  he  did  not  well  see  how  it  could  be 
of  much  account,  since  the  disproportion  between  the 
cost  and  the  selling  prices  of  the  different  articles 
in  which  they  dealt  was  so  great,  that  there  was  no 
particular  use  in  such  an  investment.  As  his  master, 
however,  rarely  paid  for  any  thing  until  he  was  in 
possession  of  returns  from  it  that  exceeded  the  debt 
some  seven-fold,  he  began  to  think  the  old  man  was 
alluding  to  the  advantages  he  obtained  in  the  way 
of  credit,  and  after  a  little  more  cogitation,  he  ven 
tured  to  say  as  much. 

Again  my  maternal  grandfather  indulged  in  a 
hearty  fit  of  laughter. 

"  Thou  art  cleyer  in  thy  way,  Tom,"  he  said, 
"  and  I  like  the  minuteness  of  thy  calculations,  for 
they  show  an  aptitude  for  trade ;  but  there  is  genius 
in  our  calling  as  well  as  cleverness.  Come  hither, 
boy,"  he  added,  drawing  Tom  to  a  window  whence 
they  could  see  the  neighbors  on  their  way  to  church, 
for  it  was  on  a  Sunday  that  my  two  provident  pro 
genitors  indulged  in  this  moral  view  of  humanity, 


20  THE   MONIKINS. 

as  best  befitted  the  day,  "  come  hither,  boy,  and 
thou  shalt  see  some  small  portion  of  that  capital 
which  thou  seemest  to  think  hid,  stalking  abroad 
by  day-light,  and  in  the  open  streets.  Here,  thou 
see'st  the  wife  of  our  neighbor,  the  pastry-cook ; 
with  wThat  an  air  she  tosses  her  head  and  displays 
the  bauble  thou  sold'st  her  yesterday :  well,  even  that 
slattern,  idle  and  vain,  and  little  worthy  of  trust  as 
she  is,  carries  about  with  her  a  portion  of  my  cap 
ital  !" 

My  worthy  ancestor  stared,  for  he  never  knew 
the  other  to  be  guilty  of  so  great  an  indiscretion 
as  to  trust  a  woman  whom  they  both  knew  bought 
more  than  her  husband  was  willing  to  pay  for. 

"  She  gave  me  a  guinea,  master,  for  that  which 
did  not  cost  a  seven-shilling  piece !" 

"  She  did,  indeed,  Tom,  and  it  was  her  vanity 
that  urged  her  to  it.  I  trade  upon  her  folly,  youn- 
ker,  and  upon  that  of  all  mankind ;  now  dost  not 
see  with  what  a  capital  I  carry  on  affairs  ?  There 
— there  is  the  maid,  carrying  the  idle  hussy's  pat 
tens  in  the  rear;  I  drew  upon  my  stock  *  in  that 
wench's  possession,  no  later  than  the  last  week,  for 
half  a  crown !" 

Tom  reflected  a  long  time  on  these  allusions  of 
his  provident  master,  and  although  he  understood 
them  about  as  well  as  they  will  be  understood  by 
the  owners  of  half  the  soft  humid  eyes  and  sprouting 
whiskers  among  my  readers,  by  dint  of  cogitation 
he  came  at  last  to  a  practical  understanding  of  the 
subject,  which  before  he  was  thirty  he  had,  to  use 
a  French  term,  pretty  well  exploits. 

I  learn  by  unquestionable  tradition,  received  also 
from  the  mouths  of  his  contemporaries,  that  the 
opinions  of  my  ancestor  underwent  some  material 
changes  between  the  ages  of  ten  and  forty,  a  cir 
cumstance  that  has  often  led  me  to  reflect  that  peo- 


THE    MONIKINS.  21 

pie  might  do  well  not  to  be  too  confident  of  their 
principles,  during  the  pliable  period  of  life,  when 
the  mind,  like  the  tender  shoot,  is  easily  bent  aside 
and  subjected  to  the  action  of  surrounding  causes. 

During  the  earlier  years  of  the  plastic  age,  rny 
ancestor  was  observed  to  betray  strong  feelings  of 
compassion  at  the  sight  of  charity-children,  nor 
was  he  ever  known  to  pass  a  child,  especially  a 
boy  that  was  still  in  petticoats,  and  who  was  crying 
with  hunger  in  the  streets,  without  sharing  his  own 
crust  with  him.  Indeed,  his  practice  on  this  head 
was  said  to  be  steady  and  uniform,  whenever  the 
rencontre  took  place  after  my  worthy  father  had 
had  his  own  sympathies  quickened  by  a  good  din 
ner  ;  a  fact  that  may  be  imputed  to  a  keener  sense 
of  the  pleasure  he  was  about  to  confer. 

After  sixteen,  he  was  known  to  converse  occa 
sionally  on  the  subject  of  politics,  a  topic,  on  which 
he  came  to  be  both  expert  and  eloquent  before 
twenty.  His  usual  theme  was  justice  and  the  sa 
cred  rights  of  man,  concerning  which  he  some 
times  uttered  very  pretty  sentiments,  and  such  as 
were  altogether  becoming  in  one  who  was  at  the 
bottom  of  the  great  social  pot  that  was  then,  as 
now,  actively  boiling,  and  where  he  was  made  to 
feel  most,  the  heat  that  kept  it  in  ebullition.  I  am 
assured  that  on  the  subject  of  taxation,  and  on  that 
of  the  wrongs  of  America  and  Ireland,  there  were 
few  youths  in  the  parish  who  could  discourse  with 
more  zeal  and  unction.  About  this  time,  too,  he 
was  heard  shouting  "  Wilkes  and  Liberty !"  in  the 
public  streets. 

But,  as  is  the  case  with  all  men  of  rare  capaci 
ties,  there  was  a  concentration  of  powers  in  the 
mind  of  my  ancestor,  which  soon  brought  all  his 
errant  sympathies,  the  mere  exuberance  of  acute 
and  overflowing  feelings,  into  a  proper  and  useful 


22  THE    MONIK1NS. 

subjection,  centering  all  in  the  one  absorbing  and 
capacious  receptacle  of  self.  I  do  not  claim  for 
my  father  any  peculiar  quality  in  this  respect,  for  I 
have  often  observed  that  many  of  those  who,  (like 
giddy-headed  horsemen  that  raise  a  great  dust,  and 
scamper  as  if  the  highway  were  too  narrow  for 
their  eccentric  courses,  before  they  are  fairly  seat 
ed  in  the  saddle,  but  who  afterwards  drive  as  di 
rectly  at  their  goals  as  the  arrow  parting  from  the 
bow,)  most  indulge  their  sympathies  at  the  com 
mencement  of  their  careers,  are  the  most  apt  to 
wards  the  close  to  get  a  proper  command  of  their 
feelings,  and  to  reduce  them  within  the  bounds  of 
common  sense  and  prudence.  Before  five-and- 
twenty,  my  father  was  as  exemplary  and  as  con 
stant  a  devotee  of  Plutus,  as  was  then  to  be  found 
between  RatclifTe  Highway  and  Bridge  Street: — I 
name  these  places  in  particular,  as  all  the  rest  of 
the  great  capital  in  which  he  was  born  is  known  to 
be  more  indifferent  to  the  subject  of  money. 

My  ancestor  was  just  thirty,  when  his  master, 
who  like  himself  was  a  bachelor  >  very  unexpected 
ly,  and  a  good  deal  to  the  scandal  of  the  neighbor 
hood,  introduced  a  new  inmate  into  his  frugal  abode, 
in  the  person  of  an  infant  female  child.  It  would  seem 
that  some  one  had  been  speculating  on  his  stock  of 
weakness  too,  for  this  poor,  little,  defenceless  and 
dependent  being  was  thrown  upon  his  care,  like 
Tom  himself,  through  the  vigilance  of  the  parish- 
officers.  There  were  many  good-natured  jokes 
practised  on  the  prosperous  fancy-dealer,  by  the 
more  witty  of  his  neighbours,  at  this  sudden  turn  of 
good  fortune,  and  not  a  few  ill-natured  sneers  were 
given  behind  his  back ;  most  of  the  knowing  ones 
of  the  vicinity  finding  a  stronger  likeness  between 
the  little  girl  and  all  the  other  unmarried  men  of 
the  eight  or  ten  adjoining  streets,  than  to  the  worthy 


THE    MONIKINS.  23 

housekeeper  who  had  been  selected  to  pay  for  her 
support.  I  have  been  much  disposed  to  admit  the 
opinions  of  these  amiable  observers  as  authority  in 
my  own  pedigree,  since  it  would  be  reaching  the 
obscurity  in  which  all  ancient  lines  take  root,-  a 
generation  earlier  than  by  allowing  the  presumption 
that  little  Betsey  was  tny  direct  male  ancestor's 
master's  daughter ;  but,  on  reflection,  I  have  deter 
mined  to  adhere  to  the  less  popular  but  more  sim 
ple  version  of  the  affair,  because  it  is  connected 
with  the  transmission  of  no  small  part  of  our  estate, 
a  circumstance  of  itself  that  at  once  gives  dignity 
and  importance  to  a  genealogy. 

Whatever  may  have  been  the  real  opinion  of  the 
reputed  father  touching  his  rights  to  the  honors  of 
that  respectable  title,  he  soon  became  as  strongly 
attached  to  the  child,  as  if  it  really  owed  its  exist 
ence  to  himself.  The  little  girl  was  carefully  nursed 
abundantly  fed,  and  throve  accordingly.  She  had 
reached  her  third  year,  when  the  fancy-dealer  took 
the  small-pox  from  his  little  pet,  who  was  just  re 
covering  from  the  same  disease,  and  died  at  the  ex 
piration  of  the  tenth  day. 

This  was  an  unlooked-for  and  a  stunning  blow 
to  my  ancestor,  who  was  then  in  his  thirty-fifth  year, 
and  the  head-shopman  of  the  establishment,  which 
had  continued  to  grow  with  the  growing  follies  and 
vanities  of  the  age.  On  examining  his  master's 
will,  it  was  found  that  my  father,  who  had  certain 
ly  aided  materially  of  late  in  the  acquisition  of  the 
money,  was  left  the  good-will  of  the  shop,  the  com 
mand  of  all  the  stock  at  cost,  and  the  sole  executor- 
ship  of  the  estate.  He  was  also  intrusted  with  the 
exclusive  guardianship  of  little  Betsey,  to  whom  his 
master  had  affectionately  devised  every  farthing  of 
his  property.  An  ordinary  reader  may  be  surprised 
that  a  man  who  had  so  long  practised  on  the  foibles 


24  THE   MONIKINS. 

of  his  species,  should  have  so  much  confidence  in  a 
mere  shopman,  as  to  leave  his  whole  estate  so  com 
pletely  in  his  power ;  but,  it  must  be  remembered, 
that  human  ingenuity  has  not  yet  devised  any  means 
by  which  we  can  carry  our  personal  effects  into  the 
other  world ;  that  "  what  cannot  be  cured  must  be 
endured ;"  that  he  must  of  necessity  have  confided 
this  important  trust  to  some  fellow-creature,  and 
that  it  was  better  to  commit  the  keeping  of  his  mo 
ney  to  one,  who,  knowing  the  secret  by  which 
it  had  been  accumulated,  had  less  inducement  to  be 
dishonest,  than  one  who  \vas  exposed  to  the  tempt 
ation  of  covetousness,  without  having  a  knowledge 
of  any  direct  and  legal  means  of  gratifying  his 
longings.  It  has  been  conjectured,  therefore,  that 
the  testator  thought,  by  giving  up  his  trade  to  a  man 
who  was  as  keenly  alive  as  my  ancestor  to  all  its 
perfections,  moral  and  pecuniary,  he  provided  a 
sufficient  protection  against  his  falling  into  the  sin 
of  peculation,  by  so  amply  supplying  him  with  sim 
pler  means  of  enriching  himself.  Besides,  it  is  fair 
to  presume  that  the  long  acquaintance  had  begotten 
sufficient  confidence  to  weaken  the  effect  of  that 
saying  which  some  wit  has  put  into  the  mouth  of  a 
wag — "  make  me  your  executor,  father;  I  care  not 
to  whom  you  leave  the  estate."  Let  all  this  be  as 
it  might,  nothing  can  be  more  certain  than  that  my 
worthy  ancestor  executed  his  trust  with  the  scru 
pulous  fidelity  of  a  man  whose  integrity  had  been 
severely  schooled  in  the  ethics  of  trade.  Little  Betsey 
was  properly  educated  for  one  in  her  condition  of 
life ;  her  health  was  as  carefully  watched  over  as  if 
she  had  been  the  only  daughter  of  the  sovereign, 
instead  of  the  only  daughter  of  a  fancy-dealer ;  her 
morals  were  superintended  by  a  superannuated  old 
maid ;  her  mind  left  to  its  original  purity ;  her  person 
jealously  protected  against  the  designs  of  greedy 


THE   MONIKINS.  25 

fortune-hunters ;  and,  to  complete  the  catalogue  of 
his  paternal  attentions  and  solicitudes,  my  vigilant 
and  faithful  ancestor,  to  prevent  accidents,  and  to 
counteract  the  chances  of  life,  so  far  as  it  might  be 
done  by  human  foresight,  saw  that  she  was  legally 
married,  the  day  she  reached  her  nineteenth  year, 
to  the  person  whom,  there  is  every  reason  to  think, 
he  believed  to  be  the  most  unexceptionable  man 
of  his  acquaintance, — in  other  words,  to  himself. 
Settlements  were  unnecessary  between  parties  who 
had  so  long  been  known  to  each  other,  and,  thanks 
to  the  liberality  of  his  late  master's  will  in  more 
ways  than  one,  a  long  minority,  and  the  industry 
of  the  ci-devant  head-shopman,  the  nuptial  bene 
diction  was  no  sooner  pronounced,  than  our  family 
stepped  into  the  undisputed  possession  of  four  hun 
dred  thousand  pounds.  One  less  scrupulous  on  the 
subject  of  religion  and  the  law,  might  not  have 
thought  it  necessary  to  give  the  orphan  heiress  a 
settlement  so  satisfactory,  at  the  termination  of  her 
wardship. 

I  was  the  fifth  of  the  children  who  were  the 
fruits  of  this  union,  and  the  only  one  of  them  all, 
that  passed  the  first  year  of  its  life.  My  poor  mo 
ther  did  not  survive  my  birth,  and  I  can  only  record 
her  qualities  through  the  medium  of  that  great  agent 
in  the  archives  of  the  family,  tradition.  By  all  that 
I  have  heard,  she  must  have  been  a  meek,  quiet,  do 
mestic  woman;  who,  by  temperament  and  attain 
ments,  was  admirably  qualified  to  second  the  pru 
dent  plans  of  my  father  for  her  welfare.  If  she  had 
causes  of  complaint,  (and  that  she  had,  there  is  too 
much  reason  to  think,  for  who  has  ever  escaped 
them  ?)  they  were  concealed,  with  female  fidelity, 
in  the  sacred  repository  of  her  own  heart ;  and  if 
truant  imagination  sometimes  dimly  drew  an  outline 
of  married  happiness  different  from  the  facts  that 

VOL.  I.  3 


26  THE   MONIKINS. 

stood  in  dull  reality  before  her  eyes,  the  picture 
was  merely  commented  on  by  a  sigh,  and  consign 
ed  to  a  cabinet  whose  key  none  ever  touched  but 
herself,  and  she  seldom. 

Of  this  subdued  and  unobtrusive  sorrow,  for  I 
fear  it  sometimes  reached  that  intensity  of  feeling, 
my  excellent  and  indefatigable  ancestor  appeared  to 
have  no  suspicion.  He  pursued  his  ordinary  occu 
pations  with  his  ordinary  single-minded  devotion, 
and  the  last  thing  that  would  have  crossed  his  brain 
was  the  suspicion  that  he  had  not  punctiliously 
done  his  duty  by  his  ward.  Had  he  acted  other 
wise,  none  surely  would  have  suffered  more  by  his 
delinquency  than  her  husband,  and  none  would 
have  a  better  right  to  complain.  Now,  as  her  hus 
band  never  dreamt  of  making  such  an  accusation, 
it  is  not  at  all  surprising  that  my  ancestor  remained 
in  ignorance  of  his  wife's  feelings,  to  the  hour  of 
his  death. 

It  has  been  said  that  the  opinions  of  the  succes 
sor  of  the  fancy-dealer,  underwent  some  essential 
changes  between  the  ages  of  ten  and  forty.  After 
he  had  reached  his  twenty-second  year,  or,  in  other 
words,  the  moment  he  began  to  earn  money  for  him 
self,  as  well  as  for  his  master,  he  ceased  to  cry  "Wilkes 
and  Liberty."  He  was  not  heard  to  breathe  a  syl 
lable  concerning  the  obligations  of  society  towards 
the  weak  and  unfortunate,  for  the  five  years  that 
succeeded  his  majority ;  he  touched  lightly  on  Chris 
tian  duties  in  general,  after  he  got  to  be  worth  fifty 
pounds  of  his  own ;  and  as  for  railing  at  human  fol 
lies,  it  would  have  been  rank  ingratitude  in  one 
who  so  very  unequivocally  got  his  bread  by  them. 
About  this  time,  his  remarks  on  the  subject  of  tax 
ation,  however,  were  singularly  caustic,  and  well 
applied.  He  railed  at  the  public  debt,  as  at  a  pub 
lic  curse,  and  ominously  predicted  the  dissolution 


THE   MONIKINS.  27 

of  society,  in  consequence  of  the  burthens  and  jn- 
cumbrances  it  was  hourly  accumulating  on  the 
already  overloaded  shoulders  of  the  trader. 

The  period  of  his  marriage  and  of  his  succession 
to  the  hoardings  of  his  former  master,  may  be  dated 
as  the  second  epocha  in  the  opinions  of  my  ancestor. 
From  this  moment  his  ambition  expanded,  his  views 
enlarged  in  proportion  to  his  means,  and  his  con 
templations  on  the  subject  of  his  great  floating  capi 
tal  became  more  profound  and  philosophical.  A 
man  of  my  ancestor's  native  sagacity,  whose  whole 
soul  was  absorbed  in  the  pursuit  of  gain,  who  had 
so  long  been  forming  his  mind,  by  dealing  as  it 
were  with  the  elements  of  human  weaknesses,  and 
who  already  possessed  four  hundred  thousand 
pounds,  was  very  likely  to  strike  out  for  himself 
some  higher  road  to  eminence,  than  that  in  which 
he  had  been  laboriously  journeying,  during  the 
years  of  painful  probation.  The  property  of  my 
mother  had  been  chiefly  invested  in  good  bonds 
and  mortgages  ;  her  protector,  patron,  benefactor, 
and  legalized  father,  having  an  unconquerable  re 
pugnance  to  confiding  in  that  soulless,  conventional, 
nondescript  body  corporate,  the  public.  The  first 
indication  that  was  given  by  my  ancestor  of  a 
change  of  purpose  in  the  direction  of  his  energies, 
was  by  calling  in  the  whole  of  his  outstanding  debts, 
and  adopting  the  Napoleon  plan  of  operations,  by 
concentrating  his  forces  on  a  particular  point,  in 
order  that  he  might  operate  in  masses.  About  this 
time,  too,  he  suddenly  ceased  railing  at  taxation. 
This  change  may  be  likened  to  that  which  occurs  in 
the  language  of  the  ministerial  journals,  when  they 
cease  abusing  any  foreign  state  with  whom  the  na 
tion  has  been  carrying  on  a  war,  that  it  is,  at  length, 
believed  politic  to  terminate ;  and  for  much  the  same 
reason,  as  it  was  the  intention  of  my  thrifty  ances- 


28  THE    MONIKINS. 

tor  to  make  an  ally  of  a  power  that  he  had  hitherto 
always  treated  as  an  enemy.  The  whole  of  the 
four  hundred  thousand  pounds  were  liberally  in 
trusted  to  the  country,  the  former  fancy-dealer's 
apprentice  entering  the  arena  of  virtuous  and  pa 
triotic  speculation,  as  a  bull ;  and,  if  with  more 
caution,  with  at  least  some  portion  of  the  energy 
and  obstinacy  of  the  desperate  animal  that  gives 
title  to  this  class  of  adventurers.  Success  crowned 
his  laudable  efforts ;  gold  rolled  in  upon  him  like 
water  on  the  flood,  buoying  him  up,  soul  and  body, 
to  that  enviable  height,  where,  as  it  would  seem, 
just  views  can  alone  be  taken  of  society  in  its  in 
numerable  phases.  All  his  former  views  of  life, 
which,  in  common  with  others  of  a  similar  origin 
and  similar  political  sentiments,  he  had  imbibed  in 
early  years,  and  which  might  with  propriety  be 
called  near  views,  were  now  completely  obscured 
by  the  sublimer  and  broader  prospect  that  was 
spread  before  him. 

I  am  afraid  the  truth  will  compel  me  to  admit, 
that  my  ancestor  was  never  charitable  in  the  vul 
gar  acceptation  of  the  term ;  but  then,  he  always 
maintained  that  his  interest  in  his  fellow-creatures 
was  of  a  more  elevated  cast,  taking  a  comprehen 
sive  glance  at  all  the  bearings  of  good  and  evil, 
— being  of  the  sort  of  love  which  induces  the 
parent  to  correct  the  child,  that  the  lesson  of  pre 
sent  suffering  may  produce  the  blessings  of  future 
respectability  and  usefulness.  Acting  on  these  prin 
ciples,  he  gradually  grew  more  estranged  from  his 
species  in  appearance ;  a  sacrifice  that  was  pro 
bably  exacted  by  the  severity  of  his  practical  re 
proofs  for  their  growing  wickedness,  and  the  aus 
tere  policy  that  was  necessary  to  enforce  them.  By  • 
this  time,  my  ancestor  was  also  thoroughly  impress 
ed  with  what  is  called  the  value  of  money ;  a  sen- 


THE   MONIKINS.  29 

timent  which,  I  believe,  gives  its  possessor  a  livelier 
perception  than  common  of  the  dangers  of  the  pre 
cious  metals,  as  well  as  of  their  privileges. and  uses. 
He  expatiated  occasionally  on  the  guarantees  that 
it  was  necessary  to  give  to  society,  for  its  own  se 
curity  ;  never  even  voted  for  a  parish-officer,  unless 
he  were  a  warm  substantial  citizen ;  and  began  to  be 
a  subscriber  to  the  patriotic  fund,  and  to  the  other 
similar  little  moral  and  pecuniary  buttresses  of  the. 
government,  whose  common  and  commendable 
object  was,  to  protect  our  country,  our  altars,  and 
our  firesides. 

The  death-bed  of  my  mother  has  been  described 
to  me  as  a  touching  and  melancholy  scene.  It  ap 
pears  that  as  this  meek  and  retired  woman  was 
extricated  from  the  coil  of  mortality,  her  intel 
lect  grew  brighter,  her  powers  of  discernment 
stronger,  and  her  character  in  every  respect  more 
elevated  and  commanding.  Although  she  had  said 
much  less  about  pur  firesides  and  altars  than  her 
husband,  I  see  no  reason  to  doubt  that  she  had  ever 
been  quite  as  faithful  as  he  could  be  to  the  one,  and 
as  much  devoted  to  the  other.  I  shall  describe  the 
important  event  of  her  passage  from  this  to  a  bet 
ter  world,  as  I  have  often  had  it  repeated  from  the 
lips  of  one  who  was  present,  and  who  has  had  an 
important  agency  in  since  making  me  the  man  I 
am.  This  person  was  the  clergyman  of  the  parish, 
a  pious  divine,  a  learned  man,  and  a  gentleman  in 
feeling  as  well  as  by  extraction. 

My  mother,  though  long  conscious  that  she  was 
drawing  near  to  her  last  great  account,  had  steadi 
ly  refused  to  draw  her  husband  from  his  absorbing 
pursuits,  by  permitting  him  to  be  made  acquainted 
with  her  situation.  He  knew  that  she  was  ill ;  very 
ill,  as  he  had  reason  to  think;  but,  as  he  not  only 
allowed  her,  but  even  volunteered  to  order  her  all 
3* 


30  THE  MON1K1NS. 

the  advice  and  relief  that  money  could  command, 
(my  ancestor  was  not  a  miser  in  the  vulgar  mean 
ing  of  the  word,)  he  thought  that  he  had  dons  all 
that  man  could  do,  in  a  case  of  life  and  death,  in 
terests  over  which  he  professed  to  have  no  control. 
He  saw  Dr.  Etherington,  the  rector,  come  and  go 
daily,  for  a  month,  without  uneasiness  or  apprehen 
sion,  for  he  thought  his  discourse  had  a  tendency  to 
tranquillize  my  mother,  and  he  had  a  strong  affec 
tion  for  all  that  left  him,  undisturbed,  to  the  enjoy 
ment  of  the  occupation  in  which  his  whole  energies 
were  now  completely  centered.  The  physician  got 
his  guinea  at  each  visit,  with  scrupulous  punctual 
ity  ;  the  nurses  were  well  received  and  were  well 
satisfied,  for  no  one  interfered  with  their  acts  but 
the  doctor;  and  every  ordinary  duty  of  commis 
sion  was  as  regularly  discharged  by  my  ancestor, 
as  if  the  sinking  and  resigned  creature  from  whom 
he  was  about  to  be  for  ever  separated,  had  been 
the  spontaneous  choice  of  his  young  and  fresh 
affections. 

When,  therefore,  a  servant  entered  to  say  that 
Dr.  Etherington  desired  a  private  interview,  my 
worthy  ancestor,  who  had  no  consciousness  of 
having  neglected  any  obligation  that  became  a 
friend  of  church  and  state,  was  in  no  small  mea 
sure  surprised. 

"  I  come,  Mr.  Goldencalf,  on  a  melancholy  duty,*' 
said  the  pious  rector,  entering  the  private  cabinet 
to  which  his  application  had  for  the  first  time  ob 
tained  his  admission;  "the  fatal  secret  can  no 
longer  be  concealed  from  you,  and  your  wife  at 
length  consents  that  I  shall  be  the  instrument  of 
revealing  it." 

The  Doctor  paused ;  for,  on  such  occasions  it  is 
perhaps  as  well  to  let  the  party  that  is  about  to  be 


THE   MONIKINS.  31 

shocked,  receive  a  little  of  the  blow  through  his 
own  imagination ;  and  busily  enough  was  that  of  my 
poor  father  said  to  be  exercised  on  this  painful  occa 
sion.  He  grew  pale,  opened  his  eyes  until  they 
again  filled  the  sockets  into  which  they  had  gradu 
ally  been  sinking  for  twenty  years,  and  looked  a 
hundred  questions  that  his  tongue  refused  to  put. 

"  It  cannot  be,  Doctor,"  he  at  length  querulously 
said,  "  that  a  woman  like  Betsey  has  got  an  ink 
ling  into  any  of  the  events  connected  with  the  last 
great  secret  expedition,  and  which  have  escaped  my 
jealousy  and  experience !" 

"  I  am  afraid,  dear  sir,  that  Mrs.  Goldencalf  has 
obtained  glimpses  of  the  last  great  and  secret  ex 
pedition  on  which  we  must  all,  sooner  or  later,  em 
bark,  that  have  entirely  escaped  your  vigilance. — 
But  of  this  I  will  speak  some  other  time.  At  pre 
sent  it  is  my  painful  duty  to  inform  you  it  is  the 
opinion  of  the  physician,  that  your  excellent  wife 
cannot  outlive  the  day,  if,  indeed,  she  do  the  hour." 

My  father  was  struck  with  this  intelligence,  and 
for  more  than  a  minute  he  remained  silent  and 
without  motion.  Casting  his  eyes  towards  the  pa 
pers  on  which  he  had  lately  been  employed,  and 
which  contained  some  very  important  calculations 
connected  with  the  next  settling  day,  he  at  length 
resumed : 

"  If  this  be  really  so,  Doctor,  it  may  be  well  for 
me  to  go  to  her,  since  one  in  the  situation  of  the 
poor  woman  may  indeed  have  something  of  im 
portance  to  communicate." 

"  It  was  with  this  object  that  I  have  now  come  to 
tell  you  the  truth,"  quietly  answered  the  divine,  who 
knew  that  nothing  was  to  be  gained  by  contending 
with  the  besetting  weakness  of  such  a  man,  at  such 
a  moment. 


THE 


My  father  bent  his  head  in  assent,  and,  first 
carefully  inclosing  the  open  papers  in  a  secretary, 
he  followed  his  companion  to  the  bed-side  of  his 
dying  wife. 


CHAPTER  II. 

Touching  myself  and  ten  thousand  pounds. 

ALTHOUGH  my  ancestor  was  much  too  wise  to 
refuse  to  look  back  upon  his  origin  in  a  worldly  point 
of  view,  he  never  threw  his  retrospective  glances 
so  far  as  to  reach  the  sublime  mystery  of  his  moral 
existence ;  and  while  his  thoughts  might  be  said  to 
be  ever  on  the  stretch  to  attain  glimpses  into  the 
future,  they  were  by  far  too  earthly  to  extend  be 
yond  any  other  settling  day  than  those  which  wrere 
regulated  by  the  ordinances  of  the  stock  exchange. 
With  him,  to  be  born  was  but  the  commencement 
of  a  speculation,  and  to  die  was  to  determine  the 
general  balance  of  profit  and  loss.  A  man  who 
had  so  rarely  meditated  on  the  grave  changes  of 
mortality,  therefore,  was  consequently  so  much  the 
less  prepared  to  gaze  upon  the  visible  solemnities 
of  a  death-bed.  Although  he  had  never  truly  loved 
my  mother,  for  love  was  a  sentiment  much  too 
pure  and  elevated  for  one  whose  imagination  dwelt 
habitually  on  the  beauties  of  the  stock-books,  he 
had  ever  been  kind  to  her,  and  of  late  he  was  even 
much  disposed,  as  has  already  been  stated,  to  con 
tribute  as  much  to  her  temporal  comforts  as  com 
ported  with  his  pursuits  and  habits.  On  the  other 
hand,  the  quiet  temperament  of  my  mother  required 
some  more  exciting  cause  than  the  affections  of  her 
husband,  to  quicken  those  germs  of  deep,  placid, 


THE   MON1KINS.  33 

womanly  love,  that  certainly  lay  dormant  in  her 
heart,  like  seed  withering  with  the  ungenial  cold 
of  winter.  The  last  meeting  of  such  a  pair  was  not 
likely  to  be  attended  with  any  violent  outpourings 
of  grief. 

My  ancestor,  notwithstanding,  was  deeply  struck 
with  the  physical  changes  in  the  appearance  of  his 
wife. 

"  Thou  art  much  emaciated,  Betsey,"  he  said, 
taking  her  hand  kindly,  after  a  long  and  solemn 
pause ;  "  much  more  so  than  I  had  thought,  or  could 
have  believed !  Does  nurse  give  thee  comforting 
soups  and  generous  nourishment  ?" 

My  mother  smiled  the  ghastly  smile  of  death ; 
but  waved  her  hand,  with  loathing,  at  his  sugges 
tion. 

"  All  this  is  now  too  late,  Mr.  Goldencalf,"  she  an 
swered,  speaking  with  a  distinctness  and  an  energy 
for  which  she  had  long  been  reserving  her  strength. 
"Food  and  raiment  are  no  longer  among  my 
wants." 

"  Well,  well,  Betsey,  one  that  is  in  want  of  nei 
ther  food  nor  raiment,  cannot  be  said  to  be  in  great 
suffering,  after  all ;  and  I  am  glad  that  thou  art  so 
much  at  ease.  Dr.  Etherington  tells  me  thou  art 
far  from  well  bodily,  however,  and  I  am  come  ex 
pressly  to  see  if  I  can  order  any  thing  that  will 
help  to  make  thee  more  easy." 

"Mr.  Goldencalf,  you  can.  My  wants  for  this  life 
are  nearly  over ;  a  short  hour,  or  two,  will  remove 

me  beyond  the  world,  its  cares,  its  vanities,  its " 

My  poor  mother  probably  meant  to  add,  its  heart- 
lessness  or  its  selfishness ;  but  she  rebuked  herself, 
and  paused. — "  By  the  mercy  of  our  blessed  Re 
deemer,  and  through  the  benevolent  agency  of  this 
excellent  man,"  she  resumed,  glancing  her  eye  up 
ward  at  first  with  holy  reverence,  and  then  at  the 


34  THE   MONIKINS. 

divine  with  meek  gratitude,  "  I  quit  you  without 
alarm,  and  were  it  not  for  one  thing,  I  might  say 
without  care." 

"  And  what  is  there  to  distress  thee,  in  particular, 
Betsey?"  asked  my  father,  blowing  his  nose,  and 
speaking  with  unusual  tenderness;  "if  it  be  in  my 
power  to  set  thy  heart  at  ease  on  this,  or  on  any 
other  point,  name  it,  and  I  will  give  orders  to  have 
it  immediately  performed.  Thou  hast  been  a  good 
pious  woman,  and  can  have  little  to  reproach  thy 
self  with." 

My  mother  looked  earnestly  and  wistfully  at  her 
husband.  Never  before  had  he  betrayed  so  strong 
an  interest  in  her  happiness,  and  had  it  not,  alas ! 
been  too  late,  this  glimmering  of  kindness  might 
have  lighted  the  matrimonial  torch  into  a  brighter 
flame  than  had  ever  yet  glowed  upon  the  past. 

"  Mr.  Goldencalf,  we  have  an  only  son " 

"  We  have,  Betsey,  and  it  may  gladden  thee  to 
hear  that  the  physician  thinks  the  boy  more  likely 
to  live  than  either  of  his  poor  brothers  and  sisters." 

I  cannot  explain  the  holy  and  mysterious  princi 
ple  of  maternal  nature  that  caused  my  mother  to 
clasp  her  hands,  to  raise  her  eyes  to  heaven,  and, 
while  a  gleam  flitted  athwart  her  glassy  eyes  and 
wan  cheeks,  to  murmur  her  thanks  to  God  for  the 
boon.  She  was  herself  hastening  away  to  the  eter 
nal  bliss  of  the  pure  of  mind  and  the  redeemed,  and 
her  imagination,  quiet  and  simple  as  it  was,  had 
drawn  pictures  in  which  she  and  her  departed 
babes  were  standing  before  the  throne  of  the  Most 
High,  chanting  his  glory,  and  shining  amid  the 
stars — and  yet  was  she  now  rejoicing  that  the  last  and 
the  most  cherished  of  all  her  offspring,  was  likely 
to  be  left  exposed  to  the  evils,  the  vices,  nay,  to  the 
enormities,  of  the  state  of  being  that  she  herself  so 
willingly  resigned. 


THE   MONIKINS.  35 

"  It  is  of  our  boy  that  I  wish  now  to  speak,  Mr. 
Goldencalf,"  replied  my  mother,  when  her  secret 
devotion  was  ended.  "  The  child  will  have  need 
of  instruction  and  care ;  in  short,  of  both  mother 
and  father." 

"  Betsey,  thou  forgettest  that  he  will  still  have  the 
latter." 

"  You  are  much  wrapped  up  in  your  business, 
Mr.  Goldencalf,  and  are  not,  in  other  respects, 
qualified  to  educate  a  boy  born  to  the  curse  and  to 
die  temptations  of  immense  riches." 

My  excellent  ancestor  looked  as  if  he  thought 
his  dying  consort  had  in  sooth  finally  taken  leave 
of  her  senses. 

"  There  are  public  schools,  Betsey ;  I  promise 
thee  the  child  shall  not  be  forgotten :  I  will  have 
him  well  taught,  though  it  cost  me  a  thousand  a 
year !" 

His  wife  reached  forth  her  emaciated  hand  to 
that  of  my  father,  and  pressed  the  latter  with  as 
much  force  as  a  dying  mother  could  use.  For  a 
fleet  moment  she  even  appeared  to  have  gotten  rid 
of  her  latest  care.  But  the  knowledge  of  charac 
ter  that  had  been  acquired  by  the  hard  experience 
of  thirty  years,  was  not  to  be  unsettled  by  the  grati 
tude  of  a  moment. 

"  I  wish,  Mr.  Goldencalf,"  she  anxiously  resumed, 
"to  receive  your  solemn  promise  to  commit  the 
education  of  our  boy  to  Dr.  Etherington  —  you 
know  his  worth,  and  must  have  full  confidence  in 
such  a  man." 

"Nothing  would  give  me  greater  satisfaction,  my 
dear  Betsey ;  and  if  Dr.  Etherington  will  consent 
to  receive  him,  I  will  send  Jack  to  his  house  this 
very  evening ;  for,  to  own  the  truth,  I  am  but  little 
qualified  to  take  charge  of  a  child  under  a  year  old. 


36  THE    MONIKINS. 

A  hundred  a  year,  more  or  less,  shall  not  spoil  so 
good  a  bargain." 

The  divine  was  a  gentleman,  and  he  looked  grave 
at  this  speech,  though,  meeting  the  anxious  eyes  of 
my  mother,  his  own  lost  their  displeasure  in  a 
glance  of  reassurance  and  pity. 

"  The  charges  of  his  education  will  be  easily  set 
tled,  Mr.  Goldencalf" —  added  my  mother — "but 
the  Doctor  has  consented  with  difficulty  to  take 
the  responsibility  of  my  poor  babe,  and  that  only 
under  two  conditions." 

The  stock-dealer  required  an  explanation  with 
his  eyes. 

"  One  is,  that  the  child  shall  be  left  solely  to  his 
own  care,  after  he  has  reached  his  fourth  year ;  and 
the  other  is,  that  you  make  an  endowment  for  the 
support  of  two  poor  scholars,  at  one  of  the  princi 
pal  schools." 

As  my  mother  got  out  the  last  words,  she  fell 
back  on  her  pillow,  whence  her  interest  in  the  sub 
ject  had  enabled  her  to  lift  her  head  a  little,  and 
she  fairly  gasped  for  breath,  in  the  intensity  of  her 
anxiety  to  hear  the  answer.  My  ancestor  contract 
ed  his  brow,  like  one  who  saw  it  was  a  subject 
that  required  reflection. 

"  Thou  dost  not  know  perhaps,  Betsey,  that  these 
endowments  swallow  up  a  great  deal  of  money — 
a  great  deal — and  often  very  uselessly." 

"  Ten  thousand  pounds  is  the  sum  that  has  been 
agreed  upon  between  Mrs.  Goldencalf  and  me," 
steadily  remarked  the  Doctor,  who,  in  my  soul,  I 
believe  had  hoped  that  his  condition  would  be  re 
jected,  having  yielded  to  the  importunities  of  a  dy 
ing  woman,  rather  than  to  his  own  sense  of  that 
which  might  be  either  very  desirable  or  very  useful. 

"  Ten  thousand  pounds !" 


THE    MONIKINS.  37 

My  mother  could  not  speak,  though  she  succeed 
ed  in  making  an  imploring  sign  of  assent. 

"  Ten  thousand  pounds  is  a  great  deal  of  money, 
my  dear  Betsey ; — a  very  great  deal !" 

The  colour  of  my  mother  changed  to  the  hue 
of  death,  and  by  her  breathing  she  appeared  to  be 
in  the  agony. 

"Well — well,  Betsey,"  said  my  father  a  little 
hastily,  for  he  was  frightened  at  her  pallid  counte 
nance  and  extreme  distress — "have  it  thine  own 
way — the  money — yes,  yes — it  shall  be  given  as 
thou  wish'st — now  set  thy  kind  heart  at  rest." 

The  revulsion  of  feeling  was  too  great  for  one 
whose  system  had  been  wound  up  to  a  state  of  ex 
citement  like  that  which  had  sustained  my  mother, 
who,  an  hour  before,  had  seemed  scarcely  able  to 
speak.  She  extended  her  hand  towards  her  hus 
band,  smiled  benignantly  in  his  face,  whispered  the 
word  "  Thanks,"  and  then,  losing  all  her  powers 
of  body,  sunk  into  the  last  sleep,  as  tranquilly  as  the 
infant  drops  its  head  on  the  bosom  of  the  nurse. 
This  was,  after  all,  a  sudden,  and,  in  one  sense,  an 
unexpected  death ;  all  who  witnessed  it  were  struck 
with  awe.  My  father  gazed  for  a  whole  minute 
intently  on  the  placid  features  of  his  wife,  and  left 
the  room  in  silence.  He  was  followed  by  Dr. 
Etherington,  who  accompanied  him  to  the  private 
apartment,  where  they  had  first  met  that  night, 
neither  uttering  a  syllable  until  both  were  seated. 

"She  was  a  good  woman,  Dr.  Etherington!" 
said  the  widowed  man,  shaking  his  foot  with  agi 
tation. 

"  She  was  a  good  woman,  Mr.  Goldencalf." 

"And  a  good  wife,  Dr.  Etherington." 

"  I  have  always  believed  her  to  be  a  good  wife, 
sir." 

VOL.  I.  4 


38  THE    MONIKINS. 

"  Faithful,  obedient,  and  frugal." 

"  Three  qualities  that  are  of  much  practical  use, 
in  the  affairs  of  this  world." 

"  I  never  shall  marry  again,  sir." 

The  divine  bowed. 

"  Nay,  I  never  could  find  such  another  match !" 

Again  the  divine  inclined  his  head,  though  the 
assent  was  accompanied  by  a  slight  smile. 

"Well,  she  has  left  me  an  heir." 

"And  brought  something  that  he  might  inherit" — 
observed  the  Doctor,  dryly. 

My  ancestor  looked  up  inquiringly  at  his  com 
panion,  but  apparently  most  of  the  sarcasm  was 
thrown  away. 

"  I  resign  the  child  to  your  care,  Dr.  Ethering- 
ton,  conformably  to  the  dying  request  of  my  beloved 
Betsey." 

"  I  accept  the  charge,  Mr.  Goldencalf,  conform 
ably  to  my  promise  to  the  deceased  ;  but  you  will 
remember  that  there  was  a  condition  coupled  with 
that  promise  which  must  be  faithfully  and  promptly 
fulfilled." 

My  ancestor  was  too  much  accustomed  to  respect 
the  punctilios  of  trade,  whose  code  admits  of  frauds 
only  in  certain  categories,  which  are  sufficiently 
explained  in  its  conventional  rules  of  honor ;  a  sort 
of  specified  morality,  that  is  bottomed  more  on  the 
convenience  of  its  votaries  than  on  the  general  law 
of  right.  He  respected  the  letter  of  his  promise, 
while  his  soul  yearned  to  avoid  its  spirit ;  and  his 
wits  were  already  actively  seeking  the  means  of 
doing  that  which  he  so  much  desired. 

"  I  did  make  a  promise  to  poor  Betsey,  certainly," 
he  answered  in  the  way  of  one  who  pondered — 
"and  it  was  a  promise,  too,  made  under  very 
solemn  circumstances." 

"The   promises  made  to  the  dead  are  doubly 


THE   MONIKINS.  39 

binding ;  since,  by  their  departure  to  the  world  of 
spirits,  it  may  be  said  they  leave  the  performance 
to  the  exclusive  superintendence  of  the  Being  who 
cannot  lie." 

My  ancestor  quailed ;  his  whole  frame  shuddered, 
and  his  purpose  was  shaken. 

"  Poor  Betsey  left  you  as  her  representative  in 
this  case,  however,  Doctor" — he  observed,  after 
the  delay  of  more  than  a  minute,  casting  his  eyes 
wistfully  towards  the  divine. 

"In  one  sense,  she  certainly  did,  sir." 
"And  a  representative  with  full  powers,  is  legal 
ly  a  principal  under  a  different  name.  I  think  this 
matter  might  be  arranged  to  our  mutual  satisfaction, 
Dr.  Etherington,  and  the  intention  of  poor  Betsey 
most  completely  executed ;  she,  poor  woman,  knew 
little  of  business,  as  was  best  for  her  sex ;  and  when 
women  undertake  affairs  of  magnitude,  they  are 
very  apt  to  make  awkward  work  of  it." 

"  So  that  the  intention  of  the  deceased  be  com 
pletely  fulfilled,  you  will  not  find  me  exacting,  Mr. 
Goldencalf." 

"  I  thought  as  much — I  knew  there  could  be  no 
difficulty  between  two  men  of  sense,  who  were  met 
with  honest  views  to  settle  a  matter  of  this  nature. 
The  intention  of  poor  Betsey,  Doctor,  was  to  place 
her  child  under  your  care,  with  the  expectation — 
and  I  do  not  deny  its  justice — that  the  boy  would 
receive  more  benefit  from  your  knowledge  than  he 
possibly  could  from  mine." 

Dr.  Etherington  was  too  honest  to  deny  these 
premises,  and  too  polite  to  admit  them  without  an 
inclination  of  acknowledgment. 

"  As  we  are  quite  of  the  same  mind,  good  sir, 
concerning  the  preliminaries,"  continued  my  ances 
tor,  "  we  will  enter  a  little  nearer  into  the  details. 
It  appears  to  me  to  be  no  more  than  strict  justice, 


40  THE    MONIKIN5. 

that  he  who  does  the  work  should  receive  the  re 
ward.  This  is  a  principle  in  which  I  have  been 
educated,  Dr.  Etherington;  it  is  one  in  which  I 
could  wish  to  have  my  son  educated ;  and  it  is  one 
on  which  I  hope  always  to  practise." 

Another  inclination  of  the  body  conveyed  the 
silent  assent  of  the  divine. 

"  Now,  poor  Betsey,  Heaven  bless  her ! — for  she 
was  a  meek  and  tranquil  companion,  and  richly  de 
serves  to  be  rewarded  in  a  future  state — but,  poor 
Betsey  had  little  knowledge  of  business.  She  fan 
cied,  that  in  bestowing  these  ten  thousand  pounds 
on  a  charity,  she  was  acting  well;  whereas,  she 
was  in  fact  committing  injustice.  If  you  are  to 
have  the  trouble  and  care  of  bringing  up  little  Jack, 
who  but  you  should  reap  the  reward  ?" 

"  I  shall  expect,  Mr.  Goldencalf,  that  you  will 
furnish  the  means  to  provide  for  the  child's  wants." 

"  Of  that,  sir,  it  is  unnecessary  to  speak,"  inter 
rupted  my  ancestor,  both  promptly  and  proudly. 
"  I  am  a  wary  man,  and  a  prudent  man,  and  am 
one  who  knows  the  value  of  money,  I  trust ;  but  I 
am  no  miser,  to  stint  my  own  flesh  and  blood.  Jack 
shall  never  want  for  any  thing,  while  it  is  in  my 
power  to  give  it.  I  am  by  no  means  as  rich,  sir, 
as  the  neighbourhood  supposes ;  but  then  I  am  no 
beggar.  I  dare  say,  if  all  my  assets  were  fairly 
counted,  it  might  be  found  that!  am  worth  a  plum.'" 

"  You  are  said  to  have  received  a  much  larger 
sum  than  that,  with  the  late  Mrs.  Goldencalf,"  the 
divine  observed,  not  without  reproof  in  his  voice. 

"Ah,  dear  sir,  I  need  not  tell  you  what  vulgar 

rumor  is but  I  shall  not  undermine  my  own 

credit ;  and  we  will  change  the  subject.  My  ob 
ject,  Dr.  Etherington,  was  merely  to  do  justice. 
Poor  Betsey  desired  that  ten  thousand  pounds  might 
be  given  to  found  a  scholarship  or  two :  now,  what 


THE    MONIKINS.  41 

have  these  scholars  done,  or  what  are  they  likely  to 
do,  for  me  or  mine  ?  The  case  is  different  with  you, 
sir ;  you  will  have  trouble — much  trouble,  I  make 
no  doubt ;  and  it  is  proper,  that  you  should  have  a 
sufficient  compensation.  I  was  about  to  propose, 
therefore,  that  you  should  consent  to  receive  my 
check  for  three, — or  four,— or  even  for  five  thou 
sand  pounds,"  continued  my  ancestor,  raising  the 
offer  as  he  saw  the  frown  on  the  brow  of  the  Doc 
tor  deepen.  "  Yes,  sir,  I  will  even  say  the  latter 
sum,  which  possibly  will  not  be  too  much  for  your 
trouble  and  care ;  and  we  will  forget  the  womanish 
plan  of  poor  Betsey,  in  relation  to  the  two  scholar 
ships  and  the  charity.  Five  thousand  pounds  down, 
Doctor,  for  yourself,  and  the  subject  of  the  charity 
forgotten  for  ever." 

When  my  father  had  thus  distinctly  put  his  pro 
position,  he  awaited  its  effect  with  the  confidence 
of  one  who  had  long  dealt  with  cupidity.  For  a 
novelty,  his  calculation  failed.  The  face  of  Dr. 
Etherington  flushed,  then  paled,  and  finally  settled 
into  a  look  of  melancholy  reprehension.  He  arose 
and  paced  the  room  for  several  minutes  in  silence ; 
during  which  time  his  companion  believed  he  was 
debating  with  himself  on  the  chances  of  obtaining 
a  higher  bid  for  his  consent,  when  he  suddenly  stop 
ped  and  addressed  my  ancestor  in  a  mild,  but  steady 
tone. 

"  I  feel  it  to  be  a  duty,  Mr.  Goldencalf,"  he  said, 
"  to  admonish  you  of  the  precipice  over  which  you 
hang.  The  love  of  money,  which  is  the  root  of  all 
evil,  which  caused  Judas  to  betray  even  his  Saviour 
and  God,  has  taken  deep  root  in  your  soul.  You 
are  no  longer  young,  and,  although  still  proud  in 
your  strength  and  prosperity,  are  much  nearer  to 
your  great  account,  than  you  may  be  willing  to 
believe.  It  is  not  an  hour  since  you  witnessed  th« 
4* 


42  THE   MONIKIffS. 

departure  of  a  penitent  soul  for  the  presence  of  her 
God ;  since  you  heard  the  dying  request  from  her 
lips ;  and  since,  in  such  a  presence  and  in  such  a 
scene,  you  gave  a  pledge  to  respect  her  wishes ; 
and,  now,  with  the  accursed  spirit  of  gain  upper 
most,  you  would  trifle  with  these  most  sacred  obliga 
tions,  in  order  to  keep  a  little  worthless  gold  in  a 
hand  that  is  already  full  to  overflowing.  Fancy 
that  the  pure  spirit  of  thy  confiding  and  single- 
minded  wife  were  present  at  this  conversation;  fancy 
it  mourning  over  thy  weakness  and  violated  faith 
— nay,  I  know  not  that  such  is  not  the  fact ;  for 
there  is  no  reason  to  believe  that  the  happy  spirits 
are  not  permitted  to  watch  near,  and  mourn  over 
us,  until  we  are  released  from  this  mass  of  sin  and 
depravity  in  which  we  dwell — and,  then,  reflect 
what  must  be  her  sorrow,  at  hearing  how  soon  her 
parting  request  is  forgotten,  how  useless  has  been 
the  example  of  her  holy  end,  how  rooted  and  fearful 
are  thine  own  infirmities !" 

My  father  was  more  rebuked  by  the  manner 
than  by  the  words  of  the  divine.  He  passed  his 
hand  across  his  brow,  as  if  to  shut  out  the  view  of 
his  wife's  spirit ;  turned,  drew  his  writing  materials 
nearer,  wrote  a  check  for  the  ten  thousand  pounds, 
and  handed  it  to  the  doctor  with  the  subdued  air  of 
a  corrected  boy. 

"  Jack  shall  be  at  your  disposal,  goqd  sir,"  he 
said,  as  the  paper  was  delivered,  "  whenever  it  may 
be  your  pleasure  to  send  for  him." 

They  parted  in  silence ;  the  divine  too  much  dis 
pleased,  and  my  ancestor  too  much  grieved,  to  in 
dulge  in  words  of  ceremony. 

When  my  father  found  himself  alone,  he  gazed 
furtively  about  the  room,  to  assure  himself  that  the 
rebuking  spirit  of  his  wife  had  not  taken  a  shape 
less  questionable  than  air,  and  then  he  mused  for  at 


f  HE   MONIKINS.  43 

least  an  hour,  very  painfully,  on  all  the  principal 
occurrences  of  the  night.  It  is  said  that  occupation 
is  a  certain  solace  for  grief,  and  so  it  proved  to 
be  in  the  present  case ;  for  luckily  my  father  had 
made  up  that  very  day  his  private  account  of  the 
sum  total  of  his  fortune.  Sitting  down,  therefore, 
to  the  agreeable  task,  he  went  through  the  simple 
process  of  substracting  from  it  the  amount  for 
which  he  had  just  drawn,  and,  finding  that  he  was 
still  master  of  seven  hundred  and  eighty-two  thou 
sand  three  hundred  and  eleven  pounds  odd  shillings 
and  even  pence,  he  found  a  very  natural  consola 
tion  for  the  magnitude  of  the  sum  he  had  just  given 
away,  by  comparing  it  with  the  magnitude  of  that 
which  was  left. 


CHAPTER  III. 

Opinions  of  our  author's  ancestor,  together  with  some  of  his 
own,  and  some  of  other  people's. 

DR.  ETHERINGTON  was  both  a  pious  man  and  a 
gentleman.  The  second  son  of  a  baronet  of  an 
cient  lineage,  he  had  been  educated  in  most  of  the 
opinions  of  his  caste,  and  possibly  he  was  not  en 
tirely  above  its  prejudices  ;  but,  this  much  admitted, 
lew  divines  were  more  willing  to  defer  to  the  ethics 
and  principles  of  the  bible,  than  himself.  His  hu 
mility  had,  of  course,  a  decent  regard  to  station  \ 
his  charity  was  judiciously  regulated  by  the  articles 
of  faith ;  and  his  philanthropy  was  of  the  dis 
criminating  character  that  became  a  warm  sup 
porter  of  church  and  state. 

In  accepting  the  trust  which  he  was  now  obliged 
to  assume,  he  had  yielded  purely  to  a  benevolent 


44  THE   MONIKIN3. 

wish  to  smooth  the  dying  pillow  of  my  mother. 
Acquainted  with  the  character  of  her  husband,  he 
had  committed  a  sort  of  pious  fraud,  in  attaching 
the  condition  of  the  endowment  to  his  consent ; 
for,  notwithstanding  the  becoming  language  of  his 
own  rebuke,  the  promise,  and  all  the  other  little 
attendant  circumstances  of  the  night,  it  might  be 
questioned  which  felt  the  most  surprise  after  the 
draft  was  presented  and  duly  honored,  he  who  found 
himself  in  possession,  or  he  who  found  himself  de 
prived,  of  the  sum  of  ten  thousand  pounds  sterling. 
Still,  Dr.  Etherington  acted  with  the  most  scrupu 
lous  integrity  in  the  whole  affair ;  and,  although  I 
am  aware,  that  a  writer  who  has  so  many  wonders 
to  relate,  as  must  of  necessity  adorn  the  succeeding 
pages  of  this  manuscript,  should  observe  a  guarded 
discretion  in  drawing  on  the  credulity  of  his  read 
ers,  truth  compels  me  to  add,  that  every  farthing 
of  the  money  was  duly  invested,  with  a  single  eye 
to  the  wishes  of  the  dying  Christian,  who,  under 
Providence,  had  been  the  means  of  bestowing  so 
much  gold  on  the  poor  and  unlettered.  As  to  the 
manner  in  which  the  charity  was  finally  improved, 
I  shall  say  nothing,  since  no  inquiry,  on  my  part, 
has  ever  enabled  me  to  obtain  such  information  as 
would  justify  my  speaking  with  authority. 

As  for  myself,  I  shall  have  little  more  to  add 
touching  the  events  of  the  succeeding  twenty  years. 
I  was  baptized,  nursed,  breeched,  schooled,  .horsed, 
confirmed,  sent  to  the  university  and  graduated, 
much  as  befalls  all  gentlemen  of  the  established 
church,  in  the  United  Kingdoms  of  Great  Britain 
and  Ireland,  or,  in  other  words,  of  the  land  of  my 
ancestor.  During  these  pregnant  years,  Dr.  Ethering 
ton  acquitted  himself  of  a  duty  that,  judging  by  a  very 
predominant  feeling  of  human  nature,  (which,  singu 
larly  enough,  renders  us  uniformly  averse  to  being 


THE    MONIKINS.  45 

troubled  with  other  people's  affairs,)  I  think  he  must 
have  found  sufficiently  vexatious,  quite  as  well  as 
ray  good  mother  had'  any  right  to  expect.  Most 
of  my  vacations  were  spent  at  his  rectory ;  for  he 
had  first  married,  then  become  a  father,  next  a 
widower,  and  had  exchanged  his  town-living  for 
one  in  the  country,  between  the  periods  of  my  mo 
ther's  death  and  that  of  my  going  to  Eton ;  and, 
after  I  quitted  Oxford,  much  more  of  my  time  was 
passed  beneath  his  friendly  roof,  than  beneath  that  of 
my  own  parent.  Indeed,  I  saw  little  of  the  latter. 
He  paid  my  bills,  furnished  me  with  pocket-money, 
and  professed  an  intention  to  let  me  travel  after  I 
should  reach  my  majority.  But,  satisfied  with 
these  proofs  of  paternal  care,  he  appeared  willing 
to  let  me  pursue  my  own  course  very  much  in  my 
own  way. 

My  ancestor  was  an  eloquent  example  of  the 
truth  of  that  political  dogma  which  teaches  the 
efficacy  of  the  division  of  labor.  No  manufacturer 
of  the  head  of  a  pin  ever  attained  greater  dexterity 
in  his  single-minded  vocation,  than  was  reached  by 
my  father  in  the  one  pursuit  to  which  he  devoted, 
so  far  as  human  ken  could  reach,  both  soul  and 
body.  As  any  sense  is  known  to  increase  in  acute- 
ness  by  constant  exercise,-  or  any  passion  by  indul 
gence,  so  did  his  ardor  in  favor  of  the  great  object 
of  his  affections  grow  with  its  growth,  and  become 
more  manifest  as  an  ordinary  observer  would  be 
apt  to  think  the  motive  of  its  existence  at  all  had 
nearly  ceased.  This  is  a  moral  phenomenon  that 
I  have  often  had  occasion  to  observe,  and  which 
there  is  some  reason  to  think,  depends  on  a  princi 
ple  of  attraction  that  has  hitherto  escaped  the  sa 
gacity  of  the  philosophers,  but  which  is  as  active 
in  the  immaterial,  as  is  that  of  gravitation  in  the 
material  world.  Talents  like  his,  so  incessantly 


46  THE    MON1KINS. 

and  unweariedly  employed,  produced  the  usual 
fruits.  He  grew  richer  hourly,  and,  at  the  time 
of  which  I  speak,  he  was  pretty  generally  known 
to  the  initiated,  to  be  the  warmest  man  who  had 
any  thing  to  do  with  the  stock  exchange. 

I  do  not  think  that  the  opinions  of  my  ancestor 
underwent  as  many  material  changes  between  the 
ages  of  fifty  and  seventy,  as  they  had  undergone 
between  the  ages  of  ten  and  forty.  During  the 
latter  period,  the  tree  of  life  usually  gets  deep  root, 
its  inclination  is  fixed,  whether  obtained  by  bend 
ing  to  the  storms,  or  by  drawing  towards  the  light ; 
and  it  probably  yields  more  in  fruits  of  its  own, 
than  it  gains  by  tillage  and  manuring.  Still  my 
ancestor  was  not  exactly  the  same  man  the  day 
he  kept  his  seventieth  birth-day,  as  he  had  been 
the  day  he  kept  his  fiftieth.  In  the  first  place,  he 
was  worth  thrice  the  money  at  the  former  period, 
that  he  had  been  worth  at  the  latter.  Of  course 
his  moral  system  had  undergone  all  the  mutations 
that  are  known  to  be  dependent  on  a  change  of 
this  important  character.  Beyond  a  question, 
during  the  last  five-and-twenty  years  of  the  life  of 
my  ancestor,  his  political  bias,  too,  was  in  favor  of 
exclusive  privileges  and  exclusive  benefits.  I  do 
not  mean  that  he  was  an  aristocrat  in  the  vulgar 
acceptation.  To  him,  feodality  was  a  blank  ;^he 
had  probably  never  heard  the  word.  Portcullises 
rose  and  fell,  flanking  towers  lifted  their  heads,  and 
embattled  walls  swept  around  their  fabrics  in  vain, 
so  far  as  his  imagination  was  concerned.  He  cared 
not  for  the  days  of  courts  leet  and  courts  baron ; 
nor  for  the  barons  themselves ;  nor  for  the  honors 
of  a  pedigree  (why  should  he  ? — no  prince  in  the 
land  could  more  clearly  trace  his  family  into  ob 
scurity,  than  himself,)  nor  for  the  vanities  of  a 
court,  nor  for  those  of  society ;  nor  for  aught  else 


THE   MONIKINS.  47 

of  the  same  nature,  that  is  apt  to  have  charms  for 
the  weak-minded,  the  imaginative,  or  the  conceit 
ed.  His  political  prepossessions  showed  themselves 
in  a  very  different  manner.  Throughout  the  whole 
of  the  five  lustres  I  have  named,  he  was  never 
heard  to  whisper  a  censure  against  government, 
let  its  measures,  or  the  character  of  its  administra 
tion,  be  what  it  would.  It  was  enough  for  him 
that  it  was  government.  Even  taxation  no  longer 
excited  his  ire,  nor  aroused  his  eloquence.  He  con 
ceived  it  to  be  necessary  to  order,  and  especially 
to  the  protection  of  property,  a  branch  of  political 
science  that  he  had  so  studied,  as  to  succeed  in 
protecting  his  own  estate,  in  a  measure,  against 
even  this  great  ally  itself.  After  he  became  worth 
a  million,  it  was  observed  that  all  his  opinions  grew 
less  favorable  to  mankind  in  general,  and  that  he 
was  much  disposed  to  exaggerate  the  amount  and 
quality  of  the  few  boons  which  Providence  has 
bestowed  on  the  poor.  The  report  of  a  meeting 
of  the  whigs,  generally  had  an  effect  on  his  appe 
tite  ;  a  resolution  that  was  suspected  of  emanating 
from  Brookes',  commonly  robbed  him  of  a  dinner, 
and  the  radicals  never  seriously  moved  that  he  did 
not  spend  a  sleepless  night,  and  pass  a  large  por 
tion  of  the  next  day,  in  uttering  words  that  it 
would  be  hardly  moral  to  repeat.  I  may  without 
impropriety  add,  however,  that  on  such  occasions, 
he  did  not  spare  allusions  to  the  gallows :  Sir  Fran 
cis  Burdett,  in  particular,  was  a  target  for  a  good 
deal  of  billingsgate ;  and  men  as  upright  and  as 
respectable  even  as  my  lords  Grey,  Lansdowne, 
and  Holland,  were  treated  as  if  they  were  no  bet 
ter  than  they  should  be.  But,  on  these  little  details 
it  is  unnecessary  to  dwell,  for  it  must  be  a  subject 
of  common  remark,  that  the  more  elevated  and 
refined  men  become  in  their  political  ethics,  the 


48  THE    MONIKINS. 

more  they  are  accustomed  to  throw  dirt  upon  their 
neighbors.  I  will  just  state,  however,  that  most 
of  what  I  have  here  related,  has  been  transmitted 
to  me  by  direct  oral  traditions,  for  I  seldom  saw 
my  ancestor,  and  when  we  did  meet,  it  was  only 
to  settle  accounts,  to  eat  a  leg  of  mutton  together, 
and  to  part  like  those  who,  at  least,  have  never 
quarrelled. 

Not  so  with  Dr.  Etherington.  Habit  (to  say 
nothing  of  my  own  merits)  had  attached  him  to 
one  who  owed  so  much  to  his  care,  and  his  doors 
were  always  as  open  to  me,  as  if  I  had  been  his 
own  son. 

It  has  been  said,  that  most  of  my  idle  time 
(omitting  the  part  mispent  in  the  schools)  was 
passed  at  the  rectory. 

The  excellent  divine  had  married  a  lovely 
woman,  a  year  or  two  after  the  death  of  my  mo 
ther,  who  had  left  him  a  widower,  and  the  father 
of  a  little  image  of  herself,  before  the  expiration 
of  a  twelvemonth.  Owing  to  the  strength  of  his 
affections  for  the  deceased,  or  for  his  daughter,  or 
because  he  could  not  please  himself  in  a  second 
marriage  as  well  as  it  had  been  his  good  fortune  to 
do  so  in  the  first,  Dr.  Etherington  had  never  spoken 
of  forming  another  connexion.  He  appeared  con 
tent  to  discharge  his  duties,  as  a  Christian  and  a 
gentleman,  without  increasing  them  by  creating 
any  new  relations  with  society. 

Anna  Etherington  was  of  course  my  constant 
companion,  during  many  long  and  delightful  visits  at 
the  rectory.  Three  years  my  junior,  the  friendship 
on  my  part  had  commenced  by  a  hundred  acts  of 
boyish  kindness.  Between  the  ages  of  seven  and 
twelve,  I  dragged  her  about  in  a  garden-chair, 
pushed  her  on  the  swing,  and  wiped  her  ejjgs  and 
uttered  words  of  friendly  consolation,  wnen  any 


THE    MONIKINS.  40 

transient  cloud  obscured  the  sunny  brightness  of  her 
childhood.  From  twelve  to  fourteen,  I  told  her 
stories ;  astonished  her  with  narratives  of  my  own 
exploits  at  Eton,  and  caused  her  serene  blue  eyes 
to  open  in  admiration,  at  the  marvels  of  London. 
At  fourteen,  I  began  to  pick  up  her  pocket-handker 
chief,  hunt  for  her  thimble,  accompany  her  in  duets, 
and  to  read  poetry  to- her,  as  she  occupied  herself 
with  the  little  lady-like  employments  of  the  needle. 
About  the  age  of  seventeen,  I  began  to  compare 
cousin  Anna,  as  I  was  permitted  to  call  her,  with  the 
other  young  girls  of  my  acquaintance,  and  the  com 
parison  was  generally  much  in  her  favor.  It  was 
also  about  this  time,  that,  as  my  admiration  grew 
more  warm  and  manifest,  she  became  less  confiding, 
and  less  frank :  I  perceived  too  that,  for  a  novelty, 
she  now  had  some  secrets  that  she  did  not  choose 
to  communicate  to  me,  that  she  was  more  with  her 
governess,  and  less  in  my  society  than  formerly, 
and,  on  one  occasion  (bitterly  did  I  feel  the  slight) 
she  actually  recounted  to  her  father  the  amusing 
incidents  of  a  little  birth-day  fete  at  which  she 
had  been  present,  and  which  was  given  by  a  gen 
tleman  of  the  vicinity,  before  she  even  dropped  a 
hint  to  me,  touching  the  delight  she  had  experi 
enced  on  the  occasion !  I  was,  however,  a  good 
deal  compensated  for  the  slight,  by  her  saying, 
kindly,  as  she  ended  her  playful  and  humorous  ac 
count  of  the  affair, — 

"It  would  have  made  you  laugh  heartily,  Jack, 
to  see  the  droll  manner  in  which  the  servants  acted 
their  parts;"  (there  had  been  a  sort  of  mistified 
masque)  "more  particularly  the  fat  old  butler,  of 
whom  they  had  made  a  Cupid,  as  Dick  Griffin  said, 
in  order  to  show  that  Love  becomes  drowsy  and  dull 
by  good  eating  and  drinking — I  do  wish  you  could 
have  been  there,  Jack." 

VOL.  I.  5 


50  THE    MONIKINS. 

Anna  was  a  gentle  feminine  girl,  with  a  most 
lovely  and  winning  countenance,  and  I  did  inherent 
ly  like  to  hear  her  pronounce  the  word  "  Jack" — 
it  was  so  different  from  the  boisterous  screech  of 
the  Eton  boys,  or  the  swaggering  call  of  my  boon 
companions,  at  Oxford ! 

"  1  should  have  liked  it  excessively  myself,  Anna," 
I  answered;  "more  particularly  as  you  seem  to 
have  so  much  enjoyed  the  fun." 

"  Yes,  but  that  could  not  be" — interrupted  Miss- 
Mrs.  Norton,  the  governess. — "  For  Sir  Harry  Grii- 
fin  is  very  difficult  about  his  associates,  and  you 
know,  my  dear,  that  Mr.  Goldencalf,  though  a  very 
respectable  young  man  himself,  could  not  expect 
one  of  the  oldest  Baronets  of  the  county,  to  go  out 
of  his  way  to  invite  the  son  of  a  stock-jobber  to  be 
present  at  a  fete  given  to  his  own  heir." 

Luckily  for  Miss-Mrs.  Norton,  Dr.  Etherington 
had  walked  away,  the  moment  his  daughter  ended 
her  recital,  or  she  might  have  met  with  a  disagree 
able  commentary  on  her  notions  concerning  the  fit 
ness  of  associations.  Anna  herself  looked  earnestly 
at  her  governess,  and  I'saw  a  flush  mantle  over  her 
sweet  face,  that  reminded  me  of  the  ruddiness  of 
morn.  Her  soft  eyes  then  fell  to  the  floor,  and  it 
was  some  time  before  she  spoke. 

The  next  day  I  was  arranging  some  fishing-tackle 
under  a  window  of  the  library,  where  my  person 
was  concealed  by  the  shrubbery,  when  I  heard  the 
melodious  voice  of  Anna  wishing  the  rector  good 
morning.  My  heart  beat  quicker  as  she  approach 
ed  the  casement,  tenderly  inquiring  of  her  parent 
how  he  had  passed  the  night.  The  answers  were 
as  affectionate  as  the  questions,  and  then  there 
was  a  little  pause. 

"What  is  a  stock-jobber,  father?"  suddenly  re 
sumed  Anna,  whom  I  heard  rustling  the  leaves 
above  my  head. 


THE   MONIKINS.  51 

"A  stock-jobber,  my  dear,  is  one  who  buys  and 
sells  in  the  public  funds,  with  a  view  to  profit." 

"And  is  it  thought  a  particularly  disgraceful 
employment  ?" 

"Why,  that  depends  on  circumstances.  On 
'Change  it  seems  to  be  well  enough — among  mer 
chants  and  bankers,  there  is  some  odium  attached 
to  it,  I  believe." 

"And  can  you  say  why,  father  ?" 

"  I  believe,"  said  Dr.  Etherington,  laughing,  "  for 
no  other  reason  than  that  it  is  an  uncertain  calling 
— one  that  is  liable  to  sudden  reverses — what  is 
termed  gambling — and  whatever  renders  property 
insecure,  is  sure  to  obtain  odium  among  those 
whose  principal  concern  is  its  accumulation ;  those 
who  consider  the  responsibility  of  others  of  essen 
tial  importance  to  themselves." 

"  But  is  it  a  dishonest  pursuit,  father  ?" 

"'As  the  times  go,  not  necessarily,  my  dear; 
though  it  may  readily  become  so." 

"And  is  it  disreputable,  generally,  with  the 
world  ?" 

"  That  depends  on  circumstances,  Anna.  When 
the  stock-jobber  loses,  he  is  very  apt  to  be  con 
demned  ;  but  I  rather  think  his  character  rises  in 
proportion  to  his  gains.  But  why  do  you  ask  these 
singular  questions,  love  1" 

I  thought  I  heard  Anna  breathe  harder  than 
usual,  and  it  is  certain  that  she  leaned, far  out  of 
the  window,  to  pluck  a  rose. 

"  Why,  Mrs.  Norton  said,  Jack  was  not  invited 
to  Sir  Harry  Griffin's,  because  his  father  was  a 
stock-jobber.  Do  you  think  she  was  right,  sir  ?" 

"Very  likely,  my  dear,"  returned  the  divine, 
who  I  fancied  was  smiling  at  the  question.  "  Sir 
Harry  has  the  advantages  of  birth,  and  he  proba 
bly  did  not  forget  that  our  friend  Jack  was  not  sa 


52  THE    MONIKIN8. 

fortunate — and,  moreover,  Sir  Harry,  while  he 
values  himself  on  his  wealth,  is  not  as  rich  as 
Jack's  father,  by  a  million  or  two — in  other  words, 
as  they  say  on  'Change,  Jack's  father  could  buy 
ten  of  him.  This  motive  was  perhaps  more  likely 
to  influence  him  than  the  first.  In  addition,  Sir 
Harry  is  suspected  of  gambling  himself  in  the 
funds,  through  the  aid  of  agents ;  and  a  gentleman 
who  resorts  to  such  means  to  increase  his  fortune, 
is  a  little  apt  to  exaggerate  his  social  advantages, 
by.  way  of  a  set-off  to  the  humiliation." 

"  And  gentlemen  do  really  become  stock-jobbers, 
father?' 

"  Anna,  the  world  has  undergone  great  changes 
in  my  time.  Ancient  opinions  have  been  shaken, 
and  governments  themselves  are  getting  to  be 
little  better  than  political  establishments  to  add 
facilities  to  the  accumulation  of  money.  This  is 
a  subject,  however,  you  cannot  very  well  under 
stand,  nor  do  I  pretend  to  be  very  profound  in  it, 
myself." 

"  But  is  Jack's  father  really  so  very,  very  rich  ?" 
asked  Anna,  whose  thoughts  had  been  wandering 
from  the  thread  of  those  pursued  by  her  father. 

"  He  is  believed  to  be  so." 

"  And  Jack  is  his  heir  ?" 

"  Certainly — he  has  no  other  child ;  though  it  is 
not  easy  to  say,  what  so  singular  a  being  may  do 
with  his  money." 

"  I  hope  he  will  disinherit  Jack !" 

"  You  surprise  me,  Anna ! — You,  who  are  so 
mild  and  reasonable,  to  wish  such  a  misfortune  to 
befall  our  young  friend,  John  Goldencalf !" 

I  gazed  upward  in  astonishment,  at  this  extra 
ordinary  speech  of  Anna,  and,  at  the  moment,  I 
would  have  given  all  my  interest  in  the  fortune  in 
question,  to  have  seen  her  face,  (most  of  her  body 


THE   MONIK1NS.  58 

was  out  of  the  window,  for  I  heard  her  again 
rustling  the  bush  above  my  head,)  in  order  to  judge 
of  her  motive  by  its  expression ;  but  an  envious 
rose  grew  exactly  in  the  only  spot  where  it  was 
possible  to  get  a  glimpse. 

"  Why  do  you  wish  so  cruel  a  thing  ?"  resumed 
Dr.  Etherington,  a  little  earnestly. 

"  Because  I  hate  stock-jobbing,  and  its  riches, 
father.  Were  Jack  poorer,  it  seems  to  me,  he 
would  be  better  esteemed." 

As  this  was  uttered,  the  dear  girl  drew  back, 
and  I  then  perceived  that  I  had  mistaken  her  cheek 
for  one  of  the  largest  and  most  blooming  of  the 
flowers.  Dr.  Etherington  laughed,  and  I  distinctly 
heard  him  kiss  the  blushing  face  of  his  daughter. 
I  think  I  would  have  given  up  my  hopes  in  another 
million,  to  have  been  the  rector  of  Tenthpig,  at 
that  instant. 

"If  this  be  all,  child,"  he  answered,  "set  thy 
heart  at  rest.  Jack's  money  will  never  bring  him 
into  contempt,  unless  through  the  use  he  may 
make  of  it.  Alas !  Anna,  we  live  in  an  age  of 
corruption  and  cupidity!  Generous  motives  ap 
pear  to  be  lost  sight  of,  in  the  general  desire  of 
gain ;  and  he  who  would  manifest  a  disposition  to 
a  pure  and  disinterested  philanthropy,  is  either  dis 
trusted  as  a  hypocrite,  or  derided  as  a  fool.  The 
accursed  revolution  among  our  neighbors,  the 
French,  has  quite  unsettled  opinions,  and  religion 
itself  has  tottered  in  the  wild  anarchy  of  theories, 
to  which  it  has  given  rise.  There  is  no  worldly 
advantage  that  has  been  more  austerely  denounced 
by  the  divine  writers,  than  riches,  and  yet  it  is  fast 
rising  to  be  the  god  of  the  ascendant.  To  say  no 
thing  of  an  hereafter,  society  is  getting  to  be  cor 
rupted  by  it  to  the  core,  and  even  respect  for  birth 
is  yielding  to  the  mercenary  feeling." 
5* 


54  THE    MONIKINS. 

"  And  do  you  not  think  pride  of  birth,  father,  a 
mistaken  prejudice,  as  well  as  pride  of  riches  ?" 

"  Pride  of  any  sort,  my  love,  cannot  exactly  be 
defended  on  evangelical  principles ;  but  surely 
some  distinctions  among  men  are  necessary,  even 
for  quiet.  Were  the  levelling  principle  acknow 
ledged,  the  lettered  and  the  accomplished  must 
descend  to  an  equality  with  the  ignorant  and  vul 
gar,  since  all  men  cannot  rise  to  the  attainments 
of  the  former  class,  and  the  world  would  retro 
grade  to  barbarism.  The  character  of  a  Christian 
gentleman  is  much  too  precious  to  trifle  with,  in 
order  to  carry  out  an  impracticable  theory." 

Anna  was  silent.  Probably  she  was  confused 
between  the  opinions  which  she  most  liked  to  che 
rish,  and  the  faint  glimmerings  of  truth  to  which 
we  are  reduced,  by  the  ordinary  relations  of  life. 
As  for  the  good  rector  himself,  I  had  no  difficulty 
in  understanding  his  bias,  though  neither  his  pre 
mises  nor  his  conclusions  possessed  the  logical  clear 
ness  that  used  to  render  his  sermons  so  delightful, 
more  especially  when  he  preached  about  the  higher 
qualities  of  the  Saviour's  dispensation,  such  as 
charity,  love  of  our  fellows,  and,  in  particular,  the 
imperative  duty  of  humbling  ourselves  before  God. 

A  month  after  this  accidental  dialogue,  chance 
made  me  the  auditor  of  what  passed  between  my 
ancestor  and  Sir  Joseph  Job,  another  celebrated 
dealer  in  the  funds,  in  an  interview  that  took  place 
in  the  house  of  the  former,  in  Cheapside.  As  the 
difference  was  so  patent,  as  the  French  express 
it,  I  shall  furnish  the  substance  of  what  passed. 

"  This  is  a  serious  and  a  most  alarming  move 
ment,  Mr.  Goldencalf,"  observed  Sir  Joseph,  "  and 
calls  for  union  and  cordiality  among  the  holders 
of  property.  Should  these  damnable  opinions  set 
fairly  abroad  among  the  people,  what  would  be- 


THE    MONIKINS.  55 

come  of  us  1 — I  ask,  Mr.  Goldencalf,  what  would 
become  of  us  ?" 

"  I  agree  with  you,  Sir  Joseph,  it  is  very  alarm 
ing  ! — frightfully  alarming  !" 

"  We  shall  have  Agrarian  laws,  sir. — Your  mo 
ney,  sir,  and  mine, — our  hard  earnings,  will  be 
come  the  prey  of  political  robbers,  and  our  chil 
dren  will  be  beggared,  to  satisfy  the  envious  long 
ings  of  some  pitiful  scoundrel  without  a  six-pence  !" 

"'Tis  a  sad  state  of  things,  Sir  Joseph;  and 
government  is  very  culpable  that  it  don't  raise  at 
least  ten  new  regiments." 

"  The  worst  of  it  is,  good  Mr.  Goldencalf,  that 
there  are  some  jack-a-napes  of  the  aristocracy 
who  lead  the  rascals  on,  and  lend  them  the  sanc 
tion  of  their  names.  It  is  a  great  mistake,  sir, 
that  we  give  so  much  importance  to  birth  in  this 
island,  by  which  means  proud  beggars  set  unwash 
ed  blackguards  in  motion,  and  the  substantial  sub 
jects  are  the  sufferers.  Property,  sir,  is  in  dan 
ger,  and  property  is  the  only  true  basis  of  society." 

"  I  am  sure,  Sir  Joseph,  I  never  could  see  the 
smallest  use  in  birth." 

"  It  is  of  no  use,  but  to  beget  pensioners,  Mr. 
Goldencalf. — Now,  with  property,  it  is  a  different 
thing — money  is  the  parent  of  money,  and  by 
money  a  state  becomes  powerful  and  prosperous. 
But  this  accursed  revolution  among  our  neighbors, 
the  French,  has  quite  unsettled  opinions,  and,  alas  ! 
property  is  in  perpetual  danger  !" 

"  Sorry  am  I  to  say,  I  feel  it  to  be  so  in  every 
nerve  of  my  body,  Sir  Joseph." 

"We  must  unite  and  defend  ourselves,  Mr. 
Goldencalf,  else  both  you  and  I,  men  warm  enough 
and  substantial  enough  at  present,  will  be  in  the 
ditch.  Do  you  not  see  that  we  are  in  actual  dan 
ger  of  a  division  of  property  ?" 

"  God  forbid !" 


56  THE    MONIKINS. 

"  Yes,  sir,  our  sacred  property  is  in  danger !" 
Here,  Sir  Joseph  shook  my  father  cordially  by 
the  hand,  and  withdrew.  I  find,  by  a  memoran 
dum  among  the  papers  of  my  deceased  ancestor, 
that  he  paid  the  broker  of  Sir  Joseph,  that  day 
month,  sixty-two  thousand  seven  hundred  and 
twelve  pounds  of  difference,  (as  bull  and  bear,) 
owing  to  the  fact  of  the  knight  having  got  some 
secret  information  through  a  clerk  in  one  of  the 
offices ;  an  advantage  that  enabled  him,  in  this  in 
stance,  at  least,  to  make  a  better  bargain  than  one 
who  was  generally  allowed  to  be  among  the 
shrewdest  calculators  on  'Change. 

My  mind  was  of  a  nature  to  be  considerably 
exercised,(as  the  pious  purists  express  it,)by  becom 
ing  the  depository  of  sentiments  so  diametrically 
opposed  to  each  other,  as  those  of  Dr.  Etherington 
and  those  of  Sir  Joseph  Job.  On  the  one  side,  I 
was  taught  the  degradation  of  birth;  on  the  other, 
the  dangers  of  property.  Anna  was  usually  my 
confidant,  but  on  this  subject  I  was  tongue-tied, 
for  I  dared  not  confess  that  I  had  overheard  the 
discourse  with  her  father,  and  I  was  compelled  to 
digest  the  contradictory  doctrines  by  myself,  in  the 
best  manner  I  could. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

Showing  the  upa  and  downs,  the  hopes  and  fears,  and  the 
vagaries  of  love,  some  views  of  death,  and  an  account  of 
an  inheritance. 

FROM  my  twentieth  to  my  twenty-third  year, 
no  event  occurred  of  any  "great  moment.  The 
day  I  became  of  age,  my  father  settled  on  me 
a  regular  allowance  of  a  thousand  a  year,  and  I 


THE    MONIKINS.  57 

make  no  doubt  I  should  have  spent  my  time  much 
as  other  young  men,  had  it  not  been  for  the  pecu 
liarity  of  my  birth,  which  I  now  began  to  see  was 
wanting  in  a  few  of  the  requisites  to  carry  me 
successfully  through  a  struggle  for  place,  with  a 
certain  portion  of  what  is  called  the  great  world. 
While  most  were  anxious  to  trace  themselves  into 
obscurity,  there  was  a  singular  reluctance  to  ef 
fecting  the  object  as  clearly  and  as  distinctly  as 
it  was  in  my  power  to  do.  From  all  which,  as 
well  as  from  much  other  testimony,  I  have  been 
led  to  infer,  that  the  doses  of  mistification  which 
appear  to  be  necessary  to  the  happiness  of  the  hu 
man  race,  require  to  be  mixed  with  an  experienced 
and  a  delicate  hand.  Our  organs,  both  physically 
and  morally,  are  so  fearfully  constituted,  that  they 
require  to  be  protected  from  realities.  As  the  phy 
sical  eye  has  need  of  clouded  glass,  to  look  steadily 
at  the  sun,  so  it  would  seem  the  mind's  eye  has  also 
need  of  something  smoky,  to  look  steadily  at  truth. 
But,  while  I  avoided  laying  open  the  secret  of  my 
heart  to  Anna,  I  sought  various  opportunities  to 
converse  with  Dr.  Etherington  and  my  father,  on 
those  points  which  gave  me  the  most  concern. 
From  the  first,  I  heard  principles  which  went  to 
show  that  society  was  of  necessity  divided  into 
orders  ;  that  it  was  not  only  impolitic,  but  wicked,  ' 
to  weaken  the  barriers  by  which  they  were  sepa 
rated ;  that  Heaven  had  its  seraphs  and  cherubs, 
its  archangels  and  angels,  its  saints  and  its  merely 
happy,  and  that,  by  obvious  induction,  this  world 
ought  to  have  its  kings,  lords,  and  commons.  The 
usual  winding  up  of  all  the  Doctor's  essays,  was  a 
lamentation  on  the  confusion  in  classes  that  was 
visiting  England  as  a  judgment.  My  ancestor,  on 
the  other  hand,  cared  little  for  social  classification, 
or  for  any  other  conservatory  expedient  but  force, 


58  THE    MONIKINS. 

On  this  topic  he  would  talk  all  day,  regiments  and 
bayonets  glittering  in  every  sentence.  When  most 
eloquent  on  this  theme,  he  would  cry,  (like  Mr. 
Manners  Sutton,)  "  ORDER — order !"  nor  can  I 
recall  a  single  disquisition  that  did  not  end  with, 
"  Alas,  Jack,  property  is  in  danger !" 

I  shall  not  say  that  my  mind  entirely  escaped 
confusion  among  these  conflicting  opinions,  al 
though  I  luckily  got  a  glimpse  of  one  important 
truth,  for  both  the  commentators  cordially  agreed 
in  fearing  and,  of  necessity,  in  hating  the  mass  of 
their  fellow-creatures.  My  own  natural  disposi 
tion  was  inclining  to  philanthropy,  and,  as  I  was 
unwilling  to  admit  the  truth  of  theories  that  array 
ed  me  in  open  hostility  against  so  large  a  portion 
of  mankind,  I  soon  determined  to  set  up  one  of  my 
own,  which,  while  it  avoided  the  faults,  should 
include  the  excellencies,  of  both  the  others.  It  was, 
of  course,  no  great  affair  merely  to  form  such  a 
resolution ;  but  I  shall  have  occasion  to  say  a  word 
hereafter,  on  the  manner  in  which  I  attempted  to 
carry  it  out  in  practice. 

Time  moved  on,  and  Anna  became  each  day 
more  beautiful.  I  thought  that  she  had  lost  some 
of  her  frankness  and  girlish  gaiety,  it  is  true,  after 
the  dialogue  with  her  father;  but  this  I  attributed 
to  the  reserve  and  discretion  that  became  the 
expanding  reason  and  greater  feeling  of  propriety 
that  adorn  young  womanhood.  With  me  she  was 
always  ingenuous  and  simple,  and  were  I  to  live 
a  thousand  years,  the  angelic  serenity  of  counte 
nance  with  which  she  invariably  listened  to  the 
theories  of  my  busy  brain,  would  not  be  erased 
from  recollection. 

We  were  talking  of  these  things  one  morning 
quite  alone.  Anna  heard  me  when  I  was  most 
sedate  with  manifest  pleasure,  and  she  smiled 


THE   MONIK1NS.  59 

mournfully  when  the  thread  of  my  argument  was 
entangled  by  a  vagary  of  the  imagination.  I  felt 
at  my  heart's  core  what  a  blessing  such  a  Mentor 
would  be,  and  how  fortunate  would  be  my  lot 
could  I  succeed  in  securing  her  for  life.  Still  I 
did  not — could  not  summon  courage  to  lay  bare 
my  inmost  thoughts,  and  to  beg  a  boon  that,  in 
these  moments  of  transient  humility,  I  feared  I 
never  should  be  worthy  to  possess. 

"  I  have  even  thought  of  marrying,"  I  con 
tinued,  so  occupied  with  my  own  theories  as  not 
to  weigh,  with  the  accuracy  that  becomes  the 
frankness  and  superior  advantages  which  man 
possesses  over  the  gentler  sex,  the  full  import  of 
my  words — "  could  I  find  one,  Anna,  as  gentle, 
as  good,  as  beautiful,  and  as  wise  as  yourself,  who 
would  consent  to  be  mine,  I  should  not  wait  a 
minute ;  but,  unhappily,  I  fear  this  is  not  likely  to 
be  my  blessed  lot.  I  arn  not  the  grandson  of  a 
Baronet,  and  your  father  expects  to  unite  you  with 
one  who  can  at  least  show  that  the  "bloody  hand" 
has  once  been  borne  on  his  shield ;  and,  on  the 
other  side,  my  father  talks  of  nothing  but  millions." 
During  the  first  part  of  this  speech,  the  amiable 
girl  looked  kindly  up  at  me,  and  with  a  seeming  de 
sire  to  soothe  me ;  but  at  its  close,  her  eyes  dropped 
upon  her  work,  and  she  remained  silent.  "  Your 
father  says  that  every  man  who  has  an  interest  in 
the  state  should  give  it  pledges," — here  Anna 
smiled,  but  so  covertly,  that  her  sweet  mouth 
scarce  betrayed  the  impulse — "  and  that  none 
others  can  ever  control  it  to  advantage.  I  have 
thought  of  asking  my  father  to  buy  a  borough  and 
a  baronetcy,  for  with  the  first,  and  the  influence 
that  his  money  gives,  he  need  not  long  wish  for 
the  last ;  but  I  never  open  my  lips  on  any  matter 
of  the  sort,  that  he  does  not  answer — *Fol  lol  der 


60  THE    MONIKINS. 

rol,  Jack,  with  your  knighthoods  and  social  order, 
and  bishoprics  and  boroughs — property  is  in  dan 
ger! — loans  and  regiments,  if  thou  wilt, — give  us 
more  order — 'ORDER — order' — bayonets  are 
what  we  want,  boy,  and  good  wholesome  taxes, 
to  accustom  the  nation  to  contribute  to  its  own 
wants,  and  to  maintain  its  credit.  Why,  youngster, 
if  the  interest  on  the  debt  were  to  remain  unpaid 
twenty-four  hours,  your  body  corporate,  as  you 
call  it^  would  die  a  natural  death ;  and  what  would 
then  become  of  your  knights-barro-knights — and 
barren  enough  some  of  them  are  getting  to  be,  by 
their  wastefulness  and  extravagance.  Get  thee 
married,  Jack,  and  settle  prudently.  There  is 
neighbor  Silverpenny  has  an  only  daughter  of  a 
suitable  age ;  and  a  good  hussy  is  she,  in  the  bar 
gain.  The  only  daughter  of  Oliver  Silverpenny  will 
be  a  suitable  wife  for  the  only  son  of  Thomas  Gold- 
encalf;  though  I  give  thee  notice,  boy,  that  thou 
wilt  be  cut  off  with  a  competency;  so  keep  thy  head 
clear  of  extravagant  castle-building,  learn  econo 
my  in  season,  and,  above  all,  make  no  debts.'  " 
Anna  laughed  as  I  humorously  imitated  the  well- 
known  intonations  of  Mr.  Speaker  Sutton,  but  a 
cloud  darkened  her  bright  features  when  I  con 
cluded. 

"  Yesterday  I  mentioned  the  subject  to  your 
father,"  I  resumed,  "and  he  thought  with  me,  that 
the  idea  of  the  borough  and  the  baronetcy  was  a 

food  one.  '  You  would  be  the  second  of  your  line, 
ack,'  he  said,  *  and  that  is  always  better  than 
being  the  first;  for  there  is  no  security  for  a  man's 
being  a  good  member  of  society,  like  that  of  his 
having  presented  to  his  eyes  the  examples  of  those 
who  have  gone  before  him,  and  who  have  been 
distinguished  by  their  services,  or  their  virtues.  If 
your  father  would  consent  to  come  into  parliament, 


THE    MONIKINS.  01 

t<  ••  S  '*  -:K  ."  ,.;.*?  _-;  "'',.    !• 

and  sustain  government  at  this  critical  moment, 
his  origin  would  be  overlooked,  and  you  would 
have  pride  in  looking  back  on  his  acts.  As  it  is,  I 
fear  his  whole  soul  is  occupied  with  the  unworthy 
and  debasing  passion  of  mere  gain.  Money  is  a 
necessary  auxiliary  to  rank,  and  without  rank 
there  can  be  no  order,  and  without  order  no  lib 
erty  ;  but  when  the  love  of  money  gets  to  occupy 
the  place  of  respect  for  descent  and  past  actions, 
a  community  loses  the  very  sentiment  on  which 
all  its  noble  exploits  are  bottomed.'  So,  you  see, 
dear  Anna,  that  our  parents  hold  very  different 
opinions  on  a  very  grave  question,  and  between 
natural  affection  and  acquired  veneration,  I  scarce 
ly  know  which  to  receive.  If  I  could  find  one, 
sweet,  and  wise,  and  beautiful  as  thou,  and  who 
could  pity  me,  I  would  marry  to-morrow,  and  cast 
all  the  future  on  the  happiness  that  is  to  be  found 
with  such  a  companion." 

As  usual,  Anna  heard  me  in  silence.  That  she 
did  not,  however,  view  matrimony  with  exactly 
the  same  eyes  as  myself,  was  clearly  proved  the 
very  next  day,  for  young  Sir  Harry  Griffin  (the 
father  was  dead)  offered  in  form,  and  was  very 
decidedly  refused. 

Although  I  was  always  happy  at  the  rectory,  I 
could  not  help  feeling,  rather  than  seeing,  that,  as 
the  French  express  it,  I  occupied  a  false  position 
in  society.  Known  to  be  the  expectant  of  great 
wealth,  it  was  not  easy  to  be  overlooked  altogether 
in  a  country  whose  government  is  based  on  a 
representation  of  property,  and  in  which  boroughs 
are  openly  in  market ;  and  yet  they  who  had  ob 
tained  the  accidental  advantage  of  having  their 
fortunes  made  by  their  grandfathers,  were  con 
stantly  convincing  me  that  mine,  vast  as  it  was 
thought  to  be,  was  made  by  my  father.  Ten  thou- 
VOL.  I.  6 


62  THE    MON1K1JCS. 

sand  times  did  I  wish  (as  it  has  since  been  express 
ed  by  the  great  captain  of  the  age,)  that  I  had  been 
my  own  grandson ;  for,  notwithstanding  the  pro 
bability  that  he  who  is  nearest  to  the  founder  of 
a  fortune,  is  the  most  likely  to  share  the  largest 
in  its  accumulations,  as  he  who  is  nearest  in  de 
scent  to  the  progenitor  who  has  illustrated  his  race, 
is  the  most  likely  to  feel  the  influence  of  his  char 
acter,  I  was  not  long  in  perceiving  that  in  highly 
refined  and  intellectual  communities,  the  public 
sentiment,  as  it  is  connected  with  the  respect 
and  influence  that  are  the  meed  of  both,  direct 
ly  refutes  the  inferences  of  all  reasonable  con 
jectures  on  the  subject.  I  was  out  of  my  place, 
uneasy,  ashamed,  proud,  and  resentful ; — in  short, 
I  occupied  a  false  position, — and,  unluckily,  one 
from  which  I  saw  no  plausible  retreat,  except  by 
falling  back  on  Lombard  Street,  or  by  cutting  my 
throat  Anna,  alone, — kind,  gentle,  serene-eyed 
Anna,  entered  into  all  my  joys,  sympathized  in  my 
mortifications,  and  appeared  to  view  me  as  I  was  ; 
neither  dazzled  by  my  wealth,  nor  repelled  by  my 
origin.  The  day  she  refused  young  Sir  Harry  Grif 
fin,  I  could  have  kneeled  at  her  feet,  and  called  her 
blessed ! 

It  is  said  that  no  moral  disease  is  ever  benefited 
by  its  study.  I  was  a  living  proof  of  the  truth 
of  the  opinion,  that  brooding  over  one's  wrongs  or 
infirmities  seldom  does  much  more  than  aggravate 
the  evil.  I  greatly  fear  it  is  in  the  nature  of  man 
to  depreciate  the  advantages  he  actually  enjoys, 
and  to  exaggerate  those  which  are  denied  him. 
Fifty  times,  during  the  six  months  that  succeeded 
the  repulse  of  the  young  baronet,  did  I  resolve  to 
take  heart,  and  to  throw  myself  at  the  feet  of 
Anna,  and  as  often  was  I  deterred  by  the  appre 
hension  that  I  had  nothing  to  render  me  worthy 


THE   MONIKINS.  63 

of  one  so  excellent,  and  especially  of  one  who  was 
the  granddaughter  of  the  seventh  English  baronet. 
I  do  not  pretend  to  explain  the  connexion  between 
cause  and  effect,  for  I  am  neither  physician  nor 
metaphysician;  but  the  tumult  of  spirits  that  re 
sulted  from  so  many  doubts,  hopes,  fears,  resolu 
tions  and  breakings  of  resolutions,  began  to  affect 
my  health,  and  I  was  just  about  to  yield  to  the 
advice  of  my  friends  (among  whom  Anna  was  the 
most  earnest  and  the  most  sorrowful,)  to  travel, 
when  an  unexpected  call  to  attend  the  death-bed 
of  my  ancestor  was  received.  I  tore  myself  from 
the  rectory,  and  hurried  up  to  town,  with  the  dili 
gence  and  assiduity  of  an  only  son  and  heir,  sum 
moned  on  an  occasion  so  solemn. 

I  found  my  ancestor  still  in  the  possession  of  his 
senses,  though  given  over  by  the  physicians ;  a  cir 
cumstance  that  proved  a  degree  of  disinterested 
ness  and  singleness  of  purpose  on  their  part,  that 
was  scarcely  to  be  expected  towards  a  patient  who 
it  was  commonly  believed  was  worth  more  than  a 
million.  My  reception  by  the  servants,  and  by  the 
two  or  three  friends  who  had  assembled  on  this 
melancholy  occasion,  too,  was  sympathizing,  warm, 
and  of  a  character  to  show  their  solicitude  and 
forethought. 

My  reception  by  the  sick  man  was  less  marked. 
The  total  abstraction  of  his  faculties  in  the  one 
great  pursuit  of  his  life ;  a  certain  sternness  of  pur 
pose,  which  is  apt  to  get  the  ascendant  with  those 
who  are  resolute  to  gain,  and  which  usually  com 
municates  itself  to  the  manners ;  and  an  absence 
of  those  kinder  ties  that  are  developed  by  the  ex 
ercise  of  the  more  familiar  charities  of  our  exist 
ence,  had  opened  a  breach  between  us,  that  was 
not  to  be  filled  by  the  simple  unaided  fact  of  natu 
ral  affinity  I  say  of  natural  affinity,  for,  notwith- 


64  THE    MOMKINS. 

standing  the  doubts  that  cast  their  shadows  on  that 
branch  of  my  genealogical  tree  by  which  I  was 
connected  with  my  maternal  grandfather,  the  title 
of  the  King  to  his  crown  is  not  more  apparent, 
than  was  my  direct  lineal  descent  from  my  father. 
I  always  believed  him  to  be  my  ancestor  de  jure, 
as  well  as  de  facto,  and  could  fain  have  loved  him 
and  honoured  him  as  such,  had  my  natural  yearn 
ings  been  met  with  more  lively  bowels  of  sympathy 
on  his  side. 

Notwithstanding  the  long  and  unnatural  estrange 
ment  that  had  thus  existed  between  the  father  and 
son,  the  meeting,  on  the  present  occasion,  however, 
was  not  entirely  without  some  manifestations  of 
feeling. 

"  Thou  art  come  at  last,  Jack,"  said  my  ances 
tor.  "  I  was  afraid,  boy,  thou  might'st  be  too  late." 

The  difficult  breathing,  haggard  countenance, 
and  broken  utterance  of  my  father,  struck  me  with 
awe.  This  was  the  first  death-bed  by  which  I  had 
ever  stood ;  and  the  admonishing  picture  of  time 
passing  into  eternity,  was  indelibly  stamped  on  my 
memory.  It  was  not  only  a  death-bed  scene,  but 
it  was  a  family  death-bed  scene.  I  know  not  how 
it  was,  but  I  thought  my  ancestor  looked  more  like 
the  Goldencalfs  than  I  had  ever  seen  him  look  be 
fore. 

"  Thou  hast  come  at  last,  Jack,"  he  repeated,  "and 
I'm  glad  of  it.  Thou  art  the  only  being  in  whom 
I  have  now  any  concern.  It  might  have  been  bet 
ter,  perhaps,  had  I  lived  more  with  my  kind 

but  thou  wilt  be  the  gainer.  Ah !  Jack,  we  are  but 
miserable  mortals,  after  all ! — To  be  called  away 
so  suddenly,  and  so  young !" 

My  ancestor  had  seen  his  seventy-fifth  birth-day  ; 
but,  unhappily,  he  had  not  settled  all  his  accounts 
with  the  world,  although  he  had  given  the  physi- 


THE    MONIKWS.  65 

cian  his  last  fee,  and  sent  the  parson  away  with  a 
donation  to  the  poor  of  the  parish,  that  would  make 
even  a  beggar  merry  for  a  whole  life. 

"  Thou  art  come  at  last,  Jack  ! — Well,  my  loss 
will  be  thy  gain,  boy !  Send  the  nurse  from  the 
room." 

I  did  as  commanded,  and  we  were  left  to  our 
selves. 

"  Take  this  key,"  handing  me  one  from  beneath 
his  pillow,  "  and  open  the  upper  draw  of  my  secre 
tary.  Bring  me  the  packet  which  is  addressed  to 
thyself." 

I  silently  obeyed ;  when  my  ancestor,  first  gazing 
at  it  with  a  sadness  that  I  cannot  well  describe — 
for  it  was  neither  worldly,  nor  quite  of  an  ethereal 
character,  but  a  singular  and  fearful  compound 
of  both, — put  the  papers  into  my  hand,  relinquish 
ing  his  hold  slowly  and  with  reluctance. 

"  Thou  wilt  wait  till  I  am  out  of  thy  sight,  Jack?" 

A  tear  burst  from  out  its  source,'  and  fell  upon 
the  emaciated  hand  of  my  father.  He  looked  at 
me  wistfully,  and  I  felt  a  slight  pressure  that  de 
noted  affection. 

"  It  might  have  been  better,  Jack,  had  we  known 
more  of  each  other.  But  Providence  made  me 
fatherless,  and  I  have  lived  childless  by  my  own 
folly.  Thy  mother  was  a  saint,  I  believe ;  but  I 
fear  I  learned  it  too  late.  Well,  a  blessing  often 
comes  at  the  eleventh  hour !" 

As  my  ancestor  now  manifested  a  desire  not  to 
be  disturbed,  I  called  the  nurse,  and  quitted  the 
room,  retiring  to  my  own  modest  chamber,  where 
the  packet,  a  large  bundle  of  papers  sealed  and 
directed  to  myself  in  the  handwriting  of  the  dying 
man,  was  carefully  secured  under  a  good  lock.  I 
did  not  meet  my  father  again,  but  once,  under  cir 
cumstances  which  admitted  of  intelligible  com- 
6* 


66  THE   MON1KINS. 

munion.  From  the  time  of  our  first  interview  he 
gradually  grew  worse,  his  reason  tottered,  and, 
like  the  sinful  cardinal  of  Shakspeare,  "  he  died 
and  gave  no  sign." 

Three  days  after  my  arrival,  however,  I  was  left 
alone  with  him,  and  he  suddenly  revived  from  a 
state  approaching  to  stupor.  It  was  the  only  time, 
since  the  first  interview,  in  which  he  had  seemed 
even  to  know  me. 

"  Thou  art  come  at  last !"  he  said,  in  a  tone  that 
was  already  sepulchral — "  Canst  tell  me,  boy,  why 
they  had  golden  rods  to  measure  the  city  ?" — his 
nurse  had  been  reading  to  him  a  chapter  of  the 
Revelations,  which  had  been  selected  by  himself — 
"  Thou  seest,  lad,  the  wall  itself  was  of  jasper,  and 
the  city  was  of  pure  gold — I  shall  not  need  money 
in  my  new  habitation — ha  !  it  will  not  be  wanted 
there  ! — I  am  not  crazed,  Jack — would  I  had  loved 
gold  less  and  my  kind  more. — The  city  itself  is 
of  pure  gold,  and  the  walls  of  jasper — precious 
abode! — hal  Jack,  thou  hearest,  boy — I  am  happy 
— too  happy,  Jack ! — gold — gold  !" 

The  final  words  were  uttered  with  a  shout. 
They  were  the  last  that  ever  came  from  the  lips  of 
Thomas  Goldencalf.  The  noise  brought  in  the  at 
tendants,  who  found  him  dead.  I  ordered  the  room 
to  be  cleared,  as  soon  as  the  melancholy  truth  was 
fairly  established,  and  remained  several  minutes 
alone  with  the  body.  The  countenance  was  set  in 
death.  The  eyes,  still  open,  had  that  revolting 
glare  of  frenzied  delight  with  which  the  spirit  had 
departed,  and  the  whole  face  presented  the  dread 
picture  of  a  hopeless  end.  I  knelt,  and,  though  a 
rrotestant,  prayed  fervently  for  the  soul  of  the 
deceased.  I  then  took  my  leave  of  the  first  and 
the  last  of  all  my  ancestors. 

To  this  scene  succeeded  the  usual  period  of  out- 


THE    MONIKINS.  67 

ward  sorrow,  the  interment,  and  the  betrayal  of 
the  expectations  of  the  survivors.  I  observed  that 
the  house  was  much  frequented  by  many  who 
rarely  or  never  had  crossed  its  threshold  during 
the  life  of  its  late  owner.  There  was  much  cor 
nering,  much  talking  in  an  under-tone,  and  looking 
at  me,  that  1  did  not  understand,  and  gradually 
the  number  of  regular  visitors  increased,  until  it 
amounted  to  about  twenty.  Among  them  were 
the  parson  of  the  parish,  the  trustees  of  several 
notorious  charities,  three  attorneys,  four  or  five 
well-known  dealers  of  the  stock-exchange,  fore 
most  among  whom  was  Sir  Joseph  Job,  and  three 
of  the  professionally  benevolent,  or  of  those  whose 
sole  occupation  appears  to  be  that  of  quickening 
the  latent  charities  of  their  neighbors. 

The  day  after  my  ancestor  was  finally  removed 
from  our  sight,  the  house  was  more  than  usually 
crowded.  The  secret  conferences  increased  both 
in  earnestness  and  in  frequency,  and  finally  I  was 
summoned  to  meet  these  ill-timed  guests  in  the 
room  which  had  been  the  sanctum  sanctorum  of 
the  late  owner  of  the  dwelling.  As  I  entered 
among  twenty  strange  faces,  wondering  why  I, 
who  had  hitherto  passed  through  life  so  little 
heeded,  should  be  so  unseasonably  importuned,  Sir 
Joseph  Job  presented  himself  as  the  spokesman 
of  the  party. 

"  We  have  sent  for  you,  Mr.  Goldencalf,"  the 
knight  commenced,  decently  wiping  his  eyes,  "be 
cause  we  think  that  respect  for  our  late  much- 
esteemed,  most  excellent,  and  very  respectable 
friend  requires  that  we  no  longer  neglect  his  final 
pleasure,  but  that  we  should  at  once  proceed  to 
open  his  will,  in  order  that  we  may  take  prompt 
measures  for  its  execution.  It  would  have  been 
more  regular  had  we  done  this  before  he  was  in- 


68  THE   MONIKINS. 

terred,  for  we  cannot  have  foreseen  his  pleasure 
concerning  his  venerable  remains ;  but  it  is  fully 
my  determination  to  have  every  thing  done  as  he 
has  ordered,  even  though  we  may  be  compelled  to 
disinter  the  body." 

I  am  habitually  quiescent,  and  possibly  credu 
lous,  but  nature  has  not  denied  me  a  proper  spirit. 
What  Sir  Joseph  Job,  or  any  one  but  myself, 
had  to  do  with  the  will  of  my  ancestor,  did  not 
strike  me  at  first  sight;  and  I  took  care  to  express 
as  much,  in  terms  it  was  not  easy  to  misunder 
stand. 

"The  only  child,  and,  indeed,  the  only  known 
relative  of  the  deceased,"  I  said,  '*  I  do  not  well 
see,  gentlemen,  how  this  subject  should  interest, 
in  this  lively  manner,  so  many  strangers !" 

"  Very  spirited  and  proper,  no  doubt,  sir,"  re 
turned  Sir  Joseph,  smiling ;  "  but  you  ought  to 
know,  young  gentleman,  that  if  there  are  such 
things  as  heirs,  there  are  also  such  things  as  exe 
cutors  !" 

This  I  did  know  already,  and  I  had  also  some 
where  imbibed  an  opinion  that  the  latter  was  com 
monly  the  most  lucrative  situation. 

"  Have  you  any  reason  to  suppose,  Sir  Joseph 
Job,  that  my  late  father  has  selected  you  to  fulfil 
this  trust?"* 

"  That  will  be  better  known  in  the  end,  young 
gentleman.  Your  late  father  is  known  to  have 
died  rich;  very  rich — not  that  he  has  left  as  much 
by  half  a  million  as  vulgar  report  will  have  it — 
but  what  I  should  term  comfortably  off;  and  it  is 
unreasonable  to  suppose  that  a  man  of  his  great 
caution  and  prudence  should  suffer  his  money  to 
go  to  the  heir-at-law,  that  heir  being  a  youth  only 
in  his  twenty-third  year,  ignorant  of  business,  not 
over-gifted  with  experience,  and  having  the  pro- 


fTHE  MONIKINS.  69 

all  of  his  years  in  this  ill-behaving 
and  extravagant  age,  without  certain  trusts  and 
provisions,  which  will  leave  his  hard  earnings,  for 
some  time  to  come,  under  the  care  of  men  who, 
like  himself,  know  the  full  value  of  money." 

"No,  never! — 'tis  quite  impossible — 'tis  more 
than  impossible !"  exclaimed  the  by-standers,  all 
shaking  their  heads. 

"  And  the  late  Mr.  Goldencalf,  too,  intimate  with 
most  of  the  substantial  names  on  'Change,  and 
particularly  with  Sir  Joseph  Job !"  added  another. 

Sir  Joseph  Job  nodded  his  head,  smiled,  stroked 
his  chin,  and  stood  waiting  for  my  reply. 

"Property  is  in  danger,  Sir  Joseph,"  I  said, 
ironically ;  "  but  it  matters  not.  If  there  is  a  will, 
it  is  as  much  my  interest  to  know  it  as  it  can  pos 
sibly  be  yours;  and  I  am  quite  willing  that  a  search 
be  made  on  the  spot." 

Sir  Joseph  looked  daggers  at  me ;  but,  being  a 
man  of  business,  he  took  me  at  my  word,  and,  re 
ceiving  the  keys  I  offered,  a  proper  person  was 
immediately  set  to  work  to  open  the  drawers.  The 
search  was  continued  for  four  hours  without  suc 
cess.  Every  private  drawer  was  rummaged,  every 
paper  opened,  and  many  a  curious  glance  was  cast 
at  the  contents  of  the  latter,  in  order  to  get  some 
clue  to  the  probable  amount  of  the  assets  of  the 
deceased.  Consternation  and  uneasiness  very  evi 
dently  increased  among  most  of  the  spectators,  as 
the  fruitless  examination  proceeded;  and  when  the 
notary  ended,  declaring  that  no  will  was  to  be 
found,  nor  any  evidence  of  credits,  every  eye  was 
fastened  on  me,  as  if  I  were  suspected  of  stealing 
that  which,  in  the  order  of  nature,  was  likely  to  be 
my  own  without  the  necessity  of  crime. 

"  There  must  be  a  secret  repository  of  papers 
somewhere,"  said  Sir  Joseph  Job,  as  if  he  sus- 


70  THE    MONIKINS. 

pected  more  than  he  wished  just  then  to  express — 
"  Mr.  Goldencalf  is  largely  a  creditor  on  the  pub 
lic  books,  and  yet  here  is  not  so  much  as  scrip  for 
a  pound !" 

I  left  the  room,  and  soon  returned,  bringing  with 
me  the  bundle  that  had  been  committed  to  me  by 
my  father. 

"  Here,  gentlemen,"  I  said,  "  is  a  large  packet  of 
papers  that  were  given  to  me  by  the  deceased,  on 
his  death-bed,  with  his  own  hands.  It  is,  as  you 
see,  sealed  with  his  seal,  and  especially  addressed 
to  me,  in  his  own  hand-writing,  and  it  is  not  vio 
lent  to  suppose  that  the  contents  concern  me  only. 
Still,  as  you  take  so  great  an  interest  in  the  affairs 
of  the  deceased,  it  shall  now  be  opened,  and  those 
contents,  so  far  as  you  can  have  any  right  to  know 
them,  shall  not  be  hid  from  you." 

I  thought  Sir  Joseph  looked  grave  when  he  saw 
the  packet,  and  had  examined  the  hand-writing  of 
the  envelope.  All,  however,  expressed  their  satis 
faction  that  the  search  was  ,now  most  probably 
ended.  I  broke  the  seals,  and  exposed  the  contents 
of  the  envelope.  Within  it,  there  were  several  smaller 
packets,  each  sealed  with  the  seal  of  the  deceased, 
and  each  addressed  to  me,  in  his  own  hand-writing, 
like  the  external  covering.  Each  of  these  smaller 
packets,  too,  had  a  separate  endorsement  of  its  con 
tents.  Taking  them  as  they  lay,  I  read  aloud  the 
nature  of  each,  before  I  proceeded  to  the  next. 
They  were  also  numbered. 

"  No.  1." — I  commenced — "  Certificates  of  pub 
lic  stock  held  by  Tho:  Goldencalf,  June  12th,  1815." 
We  were  now  at  June  29th,  of  the  same  year.  As 
I  laid  aside  this  packet,  I  observed  that  the  sum 
endorsed  on  its  back  greatly  exceeded  a  million. 
"  No.  2.  Certificates  of  Bank  of  England  stock." 
This  sum  was  several  hundred  thousands  of  pounds. 


THE   MONIKINS.  71 

"  No.  3.  South  Sea  Annuities."  Nearly  three  hun 
dred  thousand  pounds.  "  No.  4.  Bonds  and  mort 
gages."  Four  hundred  and  thirty  thousand  pounds. 
"  No.  5.  The  Bond  of  Sir  Joseph  Job,  for  sixty- 
three  thousand  pounds." 

I  laid  down  the  paper,  and  involuntarily  exclaim 
ed,  "  Property  is  in  danger !"  Sir  Joseph  turned 
pale,  but  he  beckoned  to  me  to  proceed,  saying, — 
"  We  shall  soon  come  to  the  will,  sir." 

"  No.  6. "  I  hesitated  ;  for  it  was  an  assign 
ment  to  myself,  which,  from  its  very  nature,  I  per 
ceived  was  an  abortive  attempt  to  escape  the  pay 
ment  of  the  legacy  duty. 

"Well,  sir,  No.  6.?"  inquired  Sir  Joseph,  with 
tremulous  exultation. 

"Is  an  instrument  affecting  myself,  and  with 
which  you  have  no  concern,  sir." 

"  We  shall  see,  sir — we  shall  see,  sir — if  you  re 
fuse  to  exhibit  the  paper,  there  are  laws  to  compel 
you." 

"  To  do  what,  Sir  Joseph  Job  ?— To  exhibit  to 
my  father's  debtors,  papers  that  are  exclusively 
addressed  to  me,  and  which  can  affect  me  only  ? — 
But  here  is  the  paper,  gentlemen,  that  you  so  much 
desire  to  see.  « No.  7.  The  Last  Will  and  Testa 
ment  of  Tho:  Goldencalf,  dated  June  17th,  1816.'" 
(He  died  June  the  24th,  of  the  same  year.) 

"Ah!  the  precious  instrument!"  exclaimed  Sir 
Joseph  Job,  eagerly  extending  his  hand,  as  if  ex 
pecting  to  receive  the  will. 

"  This  paper,  as  you  perceive,  gentlemen,"  I  said, 
holding  it  up  in  a  manner  that  all  present  might  see 
it,  "  is  especially  addressed  to  myself,  and  it  shall 
not  quit  my  hands  until  I  learn  that  some  other  has 
a  better  right  to  it." 

I  confess  my  heart  failed  me  as  I  broke  the  seals, 
for  I  had  seen  but  little  of  my  father,  and  I  knew 


72  THE    MONIKINS. 

that  he  had  been  a  man  of  very  peculiar  opinions, 
as  well  as  habits.  The  will  was  all  in  his  own  hand 
writing,  and  it  was  very  short.  Summoning  cou 
rage,  I  read  it  aloud,  in  the  following  words : — 

"  In  the  name  of  God, — Amen  :  I,  Tho:  Golden- 
calf,  of  the  parish  of  Bow,  in  the  city  of  London, 
do  publish  and  declare  this  instrument  to  be  my 
last  Will  and  Testament : — 

"  That  is  to  say;  I  bequeath  to  my  only  child  and 
much  beloved  son,  John  Goldencalf,  all  my  real 
estate  in  the  parish  of  Bow,  and  city  of  London, 
aforesaid,  to  be  held  in  fee-simple,  by  him,  his  heirs, 
and  assigns,  for  ever. 

"  I  bequeath  to  my  said  only  child  and  much  be 
loved  son,  John  Goldencalf,  all  my  personal  proper 
ty,  of  every  sort  and  description  whatever,  of  which 
I  may  die  possessed,  including  bonds  and  mort 
gages,  public  debt,  bank  stock,  notes  of  hand,  goods 
and  chattels,  and  all  others  of  my  effects,  to  him, 
his  heirs,  or  assigns. 

"  I  nominate  and  appoint  my  said  much  beloved 
son,  John  Goldencalf,  to  be  the  sole  executor  of 
this  my  last  will  and  testament,  counselling  him  not 
to  confide  in  any  of  those  who  may  profess  to  have 
been  my  friends ;  and  particularly  to  turn  a  deaf 
ear  to  all  the  pretensions  and  solicitations  of  Sir 
Joseph  Job,  Knight.  In  witness  whereof,"  &c.  &c. 

The  will  was  duly  executed,  and  it  was  witness 
ed  by  the  nurse,  his  confidential  clerk,  and  the 
house-maid. 

"  Property  is  in  danger,  Sir  Joseph !"  I  dryly  re 
marked,  as  I  gathered  together  the  papers,  in  order 
to  secure  them. 

"  This  will  may  be  set  aside,  gentlemen  !"  cried 
the  Knight,  in  a  fury.  "  It  contains  a  libel !" 

"  And  for  whose  benefit,  Sir  Joseph  ?"  I  quietly 


THE    MONIKINS.  73 

inquired.  "  With  or  without  the  will,  my  title  to 
my  father's  assets  would  seem  to  be  equally  valid." 

This  was  so  evidently  true,  that  the  more  pru 
dent  retired  in  silence ;  and  even  Sir  Joseph,  after 
a  short  delay,  during  which  he  appeared  to  be 
strangely  agitated,  withdrew.  The  next  week,  his 
failure  was  announced,  in  consequence  of  some 
extravagant  risks  on  'Change,  and  eventually  I  re 
ceived  but  three  shillings  and  four-pence  in  the 
pound,  for  my  bond  of  sixty-three  thousand. 

When  the  money  was  paid,  I  could  not  help  ex 
claiming,  mentally,  "  Property  is  in  danger !" 

The  following  morning,  Sir  Joseph  Job  balanced 
his  account  with  the  world,  by  cutting  his  throat. 


CHAPTER  V. 

About  the  social-stake  system,  the  dangers  of  concentration, 
and  other  moral  and  immoral  curiosities. 

THE  affairs  of  my  father  were  almost  as  easy  of 
settlement  as  those  of  a  pauper.  In  twenty-four 
hours  I  was  completely  master  of  them,  and  found 
myself,  if  not  the  very  richest,  certainly  one  of  the 
richest  subjects  of  Europe.  I  say  subjects,  for 
sovereigns  frequently  have  a  way  of  appropriating 
the  effects  of  others,  that  would  render  a  preten 
sion  to  rivalry  ridiculous.  Debts  there  were  none ; 
and  if  there  had  been,  ready  money  was  not  want 
ing  :  the  balance  in  cash  in  my  favor  at  the  bank 
amounted  of  itself  to  a  fortune. 

The  reader  may  now  suppose  that  I  was  perfectly 
happy.  Without  a  solitary  claim  on  either  my 
time  or  my  estate,  I  was  in  the  enjoyment  of  an 
income  that  materially  exceeded  the  revenues  of 

VOL.  I.  7 


74  THE    MONIKINS. 

many  reigning  princes.  I  had  not  an  expensive  nor 
a  vicious  habit  of  any  sort.  Of  houses,  horses, 
hounds,  packs,  and  menials,  there  were  none  to  vex 
or  perplex  me.  In  every  particular  save  one,  I  was 
completely  my  own  master.  That  one  was  the 
near,  dear,  cherished  sentiment  that  rendered  Anna 
in  my  eyes  an  angel,  (and  truly  she  was  little 
short  of  it  io  those  of  other  people,)  and  made  her 
the  polar  star  to  which  every  wish  pointed.  How 
gladly  would  I  have  paid  half  a  million,  just  then, 
to  be  the  grandson  of  a  baronet,  with  precedency 
from  the  seventeenth  century  ! 

There  was,  however,  another  and  a  present 
cause  for  uneasiness,  that  gave  me  even  more  con 
cern  than  the  fact  that  my  family  reached  the  dark 
ages  with  so  much  embarrassing  facility.  In  wit 
nessing  the  dying  agony  of  my  ancestor,  I  had 
got  a  dread  lesson  on  the  vanity,  the  hopeless 
character,  the  dangers  and  the  delusions  of  wealth, 
that  time  can  never  eradicate.  The  history  of  its 
accumulation  was  ever  present  to  mar  the  pleasure 
of  its  possession.  I  do  not  mean  that  I  suspected 
what,  by  the  world's  convention,  is  deemed  dis 
honesty — of  that  there  had  been  no  necessity — but 
simply  that  the  heartless  and  estranged  existence, 
the  waste  of  energies,  the  blunted  charities,  and 
the  isolated  and  distrustful  habits  of  rny  father, 
appeared  to  me  to  be  but  poorly  requited  by  the 
joyless  ownership  of  his  millions.  I  would  have 
given  largely  to  be  directed  in  such  a  way  as, 
while  escaping  the  wastefulness  of  the  shoals  of 
Scylla,  I  might  in  my  own  case  steer  clear  of  the 
miserly  rocks  of  Charybdis. 

When  I  drove  from  between  the  smoky  lines  of 
the  London  houses,  into  the  green  fields,  and  amid 
the  blossoming  hedges,  this  earth  looked  beautiful, 
and  as  if  it  were  made  to  be  loved.  I  saw  in  it 


THE    MONIKINS.  75 

the  workmanship  of  a  divine  and  a  beneficent 
Creator,  and  it  was  not  difficult  to  persuade  my 
self  that  he  who  dwelt  in  the  confusion  of  a  town, 
in  order  to  transfer  gold  from  the  pocket  of  his 
neighbor  to  his  own,  had  mistaken  the  objects 
of  his  being.  My  poor  ancestor,  who  had  never 
quitted  London,  stood  before  me  with  his  dying 
regrets;  and  my  first  resolution  was,  to  live  in 
open  communion  with  my  kind.  So  intense, 
indeed,  did  my  anxiety  to  execute  this  purpose 
become,  that  it  might  have  led  even  to  frenzy,  had 
not  a  fortunate  circumstance  interposed  to  save 
me  from  so  dire  a  calamity. 

The  coach  in  which  I  had  taken  passage,  (for  I 
purposely  avoided  the  parade  and  trouble  of  a 
post-chaise  and  servants,)  passed  through  a  mar 
ket  town  of  known  loyalty,  on  the  eve  of  a  con 
tested  election.  This  appeal  to  the  intelligence 
and  patriotism  of  the  constituency,  had  occurred 
in  consequence  of  the  late  incumbent  having  taken 
office.  The  new  minister,  for  he  was  a  member 
of  the  cabinet,  had  just  ended  his  canvass,  and  he 
was  about  to  address  his  fellow-subjects,  from  a 
window  of  the  tavern  in  which  he  lodged.  Fa 
tigued,  but  ready  to  seek  mental  relief  by  any 
means,  I  threw  myself  from  the  coach,  secured  a 
room,  and  made  one  of  the  multitude. 

The  favorite  candidate  occupied  a  large  balco 
ny,  surrounded  by  his  principal  friends,  among 
whom  it  was  delightful  to  see  Earls,  Lords  John, 
Baronets,  dignitaries  of  the  church,  tradesmen  of 
influence  in  the  borough,  and  even  a  mechanic  or 
two,  all  squeezed  together  in  the  agreeable  amal 
gamation  of  political  affinity.  '  Here  then/  thought 
I,  *  is  an  example  of  the  heavenly  charities  !  The 
candidate,  himself  the  son  and  heir  of  a  peer,  feels 
that  he  is  truly  of  the  same  flesh  and  blood  as  his 


76  THE    MOMKIN3. 

constituents ; — how  amiably  he  smiles ! — how  bland 
are  his  manners ! — and  with  what  cordiality  does 
he  shake  hands  with  the  greasiest  and  the  worst ! 
There  must  be  a  corrective  to  human  pride,  a 
stimulus  to  the  charities,  a  never-ending  lesson  of 
benevolence  in  this  part  of  our  excellent  system, 

and  I  will  look  farther  into  it.' The  candidate 

appeared,  and  his  harangue  commenced. 

Memory  would  fail  me,  were  I  to  attempt  re 
cording  the  precise  language  of  the  orator,  but  his 
opinions  and  precepts  are  so  deeply  graven  on  my 
recollection,  that  I  do  not  fear  misrepresenting 
them.  He  commenced  with  a  very  proper  and  an 
eloquent  eulogium  on  the  constitution,  which  he 
fearlessly  pronounced  to  be,  in  its  way,  the  very 
perfection  of  human  reason;  in  proof  of  which 
he  adduced  the  well-ascertained  fact,  that  it  had 
always  been  known,  throughout  the  vicissitudes  and 
trials  of  so  many  centuries,  to  accommodate  itself 
to  circumstances,  abhorring  change.  "  Yes,  my 
friends,"  he  exclaimed,  in  a  burst  of  patriotic  and 
constitutional  fervor — "  whether  under  the  roses, 
or  the  lilies — the  Tudors,  the  Stuarts,  or  the  illus 
trious  house  of  Brunswick,  this  glorious  structure 
has  resisted  the  storms  of  faction,  has  been  able  to 
receive  under  its  sheltering  roof  the  most  opposite 
elements  of  domestic  strife,  affording  protection, 
warmth,  ay,  and  food  and  raiment" — (here  the  ora 
tor  happily  laid  his  hand  on  the  shoulder  of  a 
butcher,  who  wore  a  frieze  over-coat  that  made 
him  look  not  unlike  a  stall-fed  beast) — "  yes,  food 
and  raiment,  victuals  and  drink,  to  the  meanest 
subject  in  the  realm.  Nor  is  this  all ;  it  is  a  con 
stitution  peculiarly  English :  and  who  is  there  so 
base,  so  vile,  so  untrue  to  himself,  to  his  fathers, 
to  his  descendants,  as  to  turn  his  back  on  a  con 
stitution  that  is  thoroughly  and  inherently  Eng- 


THE   MONIKINS.  77 

lish — a  constitution  that  he  has  inherited  from  his 
ancestors,  and  which,  by  every  obligation,  both 
human  and  divine,  he  is  bound  to  transmit  un 
changed  to  posterity ;" — here  the  orator,  who  con 
tinued  to  speak,  however,  was  deafened  by  shouts 
of  applause,  and  that  part  of  the  subject  might 
very  fairly  be  considered  as  definitively  settled. 

From  the  constitution  as  a  whole,  the  candidate 
next  proceeded  to  extol  the  particular  feature  of 
itj  that  was  known  as  the  borough  of  Householder. 
According  to  his  account  of  this  portion  of  the 
government,  its  dwellers  were  animated  by  the 
noblest  spirit  of  independence,  the  most  rooted  de 
termination  to  uphold  the  ministry,  of  which  he 
was  the  least  worthy  member,  and  were  distin 
guished  by  what,  in  an  ecstasy  of  political  elo 
quence,  he  happily  termed  the  most  freeborn 
understanding  of  its  rights  and  privileges.  This 
loyal  and  judicious  borough  had  never  been  known 
to  waste  its  favors  on  those  who  had  not  a  stake 
in  the  community.  It  understood  that  fundamental 
principle  of  good  government,  which  lays  down 
the  axiom,  that  none  were  to  be  trusted  but  those 
who  had  a  visible  and  an  extended  interest  in  the 
country ;  for  without  these  pledges  of  honesty  and 
independence,  what  had  the  elector  to  expect  but 
bribery  and  corruption — a  traffic  in  his  dearest 
rights,  and  a  bargaining  that  might  destroy  the 
glorious  institutions  under  which  he  dwelt.  This 
part  of  the  harangue  was  listened  to  in  respectful 
silence,  and  shortly  after  the  orator  concluded ; — 
when  the  electors  dispersed  with,  no  doubt,  a  bet 
ter  opinion  of  themselves  and  the  constitution, 
than  it  had  probably  been  their  good  fortune  to 
entertain  since  the  previous  election. 

Accident  placed  me,  at  dinner,  (the  house  being 
crowded,)  at  the  same  table  with  an  attorney  who 
7* 


78  THE   MON1KINS, 

had  been  very  active  the  whole  morning,  among 
the  householders,  and  who,  I  soon  learned  from 
himself,  was  the  especial  agent  of  the  owner  of 
the  independent  borough  in  question.  He  told  me 
that  he  had  come  down  with  the  expectation  of 
disposing  of  the  whole  property  to  Lord  Pledge, 
the  ministerial  candidate  named ;  but  the  means 
had  not  been  forthcoming,  as  he  had  been  led  to 
hope,  and  the  bargain  was  unluckily  off,  at  the 
very  moment  when  it  was  of  the  utmost  import 
ance  to  know  to  whom  the  independent  electors 
rightfully  belonged. 

"  His  Lordship,  however,"  continued  the  attor 
ney,  winking,  "  has  done  what  is  handsome ;  and 
there  can  be  no  more  doubt  of  his  election,  than 
there  would  be  of  yours,  did  you  happen  to  own 
the  borough." 

"  And  is  the  property  now  open  for  sale  1"  I 
asked. 

"  Certainly — my  principal  can  hold  out  no  long 
er.  The  price  is  settled,  and  I  have  his  power  oi 
attorney  to  make  the  preliminary  bargain.  Tis 
a  thousand  pities  that  the  public  mind  should  be 
left  in  this  undecided  state  on  the  eve  of  an  elec 
tion." 

"  Then,  sir,  I  will  be  the  purchaser." 

My  companion  looked  at  me  with  astonishment 
and  doubt.  He  had  transacted  too  much  business 
of  this  nature,  however,  not  to  feel  his  way  be 
fore  he  was  either  off  or  on. 

"  The  price  of  the  estate  is  three  hundred  and 
twenty-five  thousand  pounds,  sir,  and  the  rental 
is  only  six !" 

"  Be  it  so.  My  name  is  Goldencalf :  by  accom 
panying  me  to  town,  you  shall  receive  the  money." 

"  Goldencalf !-— What,  sir,  the  only  son  and  heir 
of  the  late  Thomas  Goldencalf,  of  Cheapside?" 


THE    MONIKWS.  79 

"The  same.  My  father  has  not  been  dead  a 
month." 

"  Pardon  me,  sir — convince  me  of  your  identity 
— we  must  be  particular  in  matters  of  this  sort — 
and  you  shall  have  possession  of  the  property  in 
season  to  secure  your  own  election,  or  that  of  any 
of  your  friends.  I  will  return  Lord  Pledge  his 
small  advances,  and  another  time  he  will  know 
better  than  to  fail  of  keeping  his  promises.  What 
is  a  borough  good  for,  if  a  nobleman's  word  is  not 
sacred  ?  You  will  find  the  electors,  in  particular, 
every  way  worthy  of  your  favor.  They  are  as 
frank,  loyal,  and  straight-forward  a  constituency, 
as  any  in  England.  No  skulking  behind  the  ballot 
for  them ! — and,  in  all  respects,  they  are  fearless 
Englishmen,  who  will  do  what  they  say,  and  say 
whatever  their  landlord  shall  please  to  require  of 
them." 

As  I  had  sundry  letters  and  other  documents 
about  me,  nothing  was  easier  than  to  convince  the 
attorney  of  my  identity.  He  called  for  pen  and 
ink ;  drew  out  of  his  pocket  the  contract  that  had 
been  prepared  for  Lord  Pledge ;  gave  it  to  me  to 
read ;  filled  the  blanks ;  and  affixing  his  name,  call 
ed  the  waiters  as  witnesses,  and  presented  me  the 
paper  with  a  promptitude  and  respect  that  I  found 
really  delightful.  So  much,  thought  I,  for  having 
given  pledges  to  society  by  the  purchase  of  a  bo 
rough.  I  drew  on  my  bankers  for  three  hundred 
and  twenty-five  thousand  pounds,  and  arose  from 
table,  virtually,  the  owner  of  the  estate  of  House 
holder,  and  of  the  political  consciences  of  its  ten 
antry. 

A  fact  so  important  could  not  long  be  unknown ; 
and  in  a  few  minutes  all  eyes  in  the  coffee-room 
were  upon  me.  The  landlord  presented  himself, 
and  begged  I  would  do  him  the  honor  to  take  pos- 


80  THE   MONIKINS. 

session  of  his  family  parlour,  there  being  no  other 
at  his  disposal.  I  was  hardly  installed,  before  a 
servant  in  a  handsome  livery  presented  the  follow 
ing  note : — 

Dear  Mr.  GOLDENCALF, 

I  have  this  moment  heard  of  your  being  in  town,  and 
am  exceedingly  rejoiced  to  learn  it.  A  long  intimacy  with 
your  late  excellent  and  most  loyal  father,  justifies  my  claim 
ing  you  for  a  friend,  and  I  waive  all  ceremony,  (official,  of 
course,  is  meant,  there  being  no  reason  for  any  other  be 
tween  us,)  and  beg  to  be  admitted  for  half  an  hour. 

Dear  Mr.  Goldencalf, 
Your's,  very  faithfully  and  sincerely, 

PLEDGE. 

GOLDENCALF,  Esquire. 

Monday  evening. 

I  begged  that  the  noble  visiter  might  not  be  made 
to  wait  a  moment.  Lord  Pledge  met  me  like  an 
old  and  an  intimate  friend.  He  made  a  hundred 
handsome  inquiries  after  my  dead  ancestor ;  spoke 
feelingly  of  his  regret  at  not  having  been  summon 
ed  to  attend  his  death-bed ;  and  then  very  ingenu 
ously  and  warmly  congratulated  me  on  my  succes 
sion  to  so  large  a  property. 

"  I  hear,  too,  you  have  bought  this  borough,  my 
dear  sir. — I  could  not  make  it  convenient,  just  at 
this  particular  moment,  to  conclude  my  own  ar 
rangement, — but  it  is  a  good  thing.  Three  hun 
dred  and  twenty  thousand,  I  suppose,  as  was  men 
tioned  between  me  and  the  other  party?" 

"  Three  hundred  and  twenty-jive  thousand,  Lord 
Pledge." 

I  perceived  by  the  countenance  of  the  noble  can 
didate,  that  I  had  paid  the  odd  five  thousand  as  a 
fine, — a  circumstance  which  accounted  for  the 


THE   MONIKINS.  .  81 

promptitude  of  the  attorney  in  the  transaction,  he 
most  probably  pocketing  the  difference  himself. 

"  You  mean  to  sit,  of  course  ?" 

"  I  do,  my  Lord,  as  one  of  the  members,  at  the 
next  general  election;  but  at  present,  I  shall  be 
most  happy  to  aid  your  return." 

"  My  dear  Mr.  Goldencalf— " 

"  Really,  without  presuming  to  compliment,  Lord 
Pledge,  the  noble  sentiments  I  heard  you  express 
this  morning,  were  so  very  proper,  so  exceedingly 
statesmanlike,  so  truly  English,  that  I  shall  feel  in 
finitely  more  satisfaction  in  knowing  that  you  fill 
the  vacant  seat,  than  if  it  were  in  my  own  posses 
sion." 

"  I  honor  your  public  spirit,  Mr.  Goldencalf,  and 
only  wish  to  God,  there  was  more  of  it  in  the  world. 
But  you  can  count  on  our  friendship,  sir.  What 
you  have  just  remarked,  is  true — very  true — only 
too  true — true  to  a  hair — a-a— a  I  mean,  my  dear 
Mr.  Goldencalf,  most  especially  those  sentiments 
of  mine  which — a-a-a — I  say  it,  before  God,  with 
out  vanity — but  which,  as  you  have  so  very  ably 
intimated,  are  so  truly  proper  and  English." 

"  I  sincerely  think  so,  Lord  Pledge,  or  I  should 
not  have  said  it.  I  am  peculiarly  situated,  myself. 
With  an  immense  fortune,  without  rank,  name,  or 
connexions,  nothing  is  easier  than  for  one  of  my 
years  to  be  led  astray ;  and  it  is  my  ardent  desire 
to  hit  upon  some  expedient  that  may  connect  me 
properly  with  society." 

"  Marry,  my  dear  young  friend — select  a  wife 
from  among  the  fair  and  virtuous  of  this  happy 
isle — unluckily  I  can  propose  nothing  in  this  way 
myself — for  both  my  own  sisters  are  disposed  of." 

"  I  have  made  my  choice,  already,  I  thank  you 
a  thousand  times,  my  dear  Lord  Pledge  ;  although 
I  scarcely  dare  execute  my  own  wishes.  There 


82  THE   MONIKINS. 

are  objections, — if  I  were  only  the  child,  now,  of  a 
baronet's  second  son,  or " 

"  Become  a  baronet  yourself,"  once  more  inter 
rupted  my  noble  friend,  with  an  evident  relief  from 
suspense ;  for  I  verily  believe  he  thought  I  was 
about  to  ask  for  something  better.  "  Your  affair 
shall  be  arranged  by  the  end  of  the  week — and  if 
there  is  any  thing  else  I  can  do  for  you,  I  beg  you 
to  name  it  without  reserve." 

"  If  I  could  hear  a  few  more  of  those  remarka 
ble  sentiments  of  yours,  concerning  the  stake  we 
should  all  have  in  society,  I  think  it  would  relieve 
my  mind." 

My  companion  looked  at  me  a  moment,  with  a 
very  awkward  sort  of  intensity,  drew  his  hand 
across  his  brows,  reflected,  and  then  obligingly 
complied. 

"  You  attach  too  much  importance,  Mr.  Golden- 
calf,  to  a  few  certainly  very  just,  but  very  ill-ar 
ranged  ideas.  That  a  man,  without  a  proper  stake 
in  society,  is  little  better  than  the  beast  of  the  fields, 
I  hold  to  be  so  obvious,  that  it  is  unnecessary  to 
dwell  on  the  point.  Reason  as  you  will,  forward 
or  backward,  you  arrive  at  the  same  result, — he 
that  hath  nothing,  is  usually  treated  by  mankind 
little  better  than  a  dog,  and  he  that  is  little  better 
than  a  dog,  usually  has  nothing. — Again, — What 
distinguishes  the  savage  from  the  civilized  man  ? — 
why,  civilization,  to  be  sure. — Now,  what  is  civil 
ization  ? — the  arts  of  life. — What  feeds,  nourishes, 
sustains  the  arts  of  life  ? — money,  or  property.  By 
consequence,  civilization  is  property,  and  property 
is  civilization.  If  the  control  of  a  country  is  in  the 
hands  of  those  who  possess  the  property,  the  go 
vernment  is  a  civilized  government ;  but,  on  the 
other  hand,  if  it  is  in  the  hands  of  those  who  have 
no  property,  the  government  is  necessarily  an  un- 


THE    MONIKIffS.  88 

civilized  government.  It  is  quite  impossible  that 
any  one  should  become  a  safe  statesman,  who  does 
not  possess  a  direct  property  interest  in  society. 
You  know  there  is  not  a  tyro  of  our  political  sect 
who  does  not  fully  admit  the  truth  of  this  axiom." 

"Mr.  Pitt?' 

"  Why,  Pitt  was  certainly  an  exception,  in  one 
way ;  but  then,  you  will  recollect,  he  was  the  im 
mediate  representative  of  the  tories,  who  own  most 
of  the  property  of  England." 

"Mr.  Fox?" 

"  Fox  represented  the  whigs,  who  own  all  the 
rest,  you  know.  No,  my  dear  Goldencalf,  reason 
as  you  will,  we  shall  always  arrive  at  the  same 
results. — You  will,  of  course,  as  you  have  just  said, 
take  one  of  the  seats  yourself,  at  the  next  general 
election  ?" 

"  I  shall  be  too  proud  of  being  your  colleague,  to 
hesitate." 

This  speech  sealed  our  friendship ;  for  it  was  a 
pledge  to  my  noble  acquaintance  of  his  future  con 
nexion  with  the  borough.  He  was  much  too  high 
bred  to  express  his  thanks  in  vulgar  phrases,  (though 
high-breeding  rarely  exhibits  all  its  finer  qualities 
pending  an  election,)  but,  a  man  of  the  world,  and 
one  of  a  class  whose  main  business  it  is  to  put  the 
suaviter  in  modo,  as  the  French  have  it,  en  evidence, 
the  reader  may  be  sure  that  when  we  parted  that 
night,  I  was  in  perfect  good  humor  with  myself, 
and,  as  a  matter  of  course,  with  my  new  acquaint 
ance. 

The  next  day  the  canvass  was  renewed,  and  we 
had  another  convincing  speech  on  the  subject  of 
the  virtue  of  "  a  stake  in  society ;"  for  Lord  Pledge 
was  tactician  enough  to  attack  the  citadel,  once 
assured  of  its  weak  point,  rather  than  expend  his 
efforts  on  the  out-works  of  the  place.  That  night 


84  THE   MONIKINS. 

the  attorney  arrived  from  town  with  the  title-deeds, 
all  properly  executed,  (they  had  been  some  time 
in  preparation  for  Lord  Pledge,)  and  the  following 
morning  early,  the  tenants  were  served  with  the 
usual  notices,  with  a  handsomely  expressed  senti 
ment,  on  my  part,  in  favor  of  "a  stake  in  society." 
About  noon,  Lord  Pledge  walked  over  the  course, 
as  it  is  expressed  at  New-Market  and  Doncaster. 
After  dinner  we  separated,  my  noble  friend  return 
ing  to  town,  while  I  pursued  my  way  to  the  Rec 
tory. 

Anna  never  appeared  more  fresh,  more  serene, 
more  elevated  above  mortality,  than  when  we  met, 
a  week  after  I  had  quitted  Householder,  in  the 
breakfast-parlor  of  her  father's  abode. 

"  You  are  beginning  to  look  like  yourself  again, 
Jack,"  she  said,  extending  her  hand,  with  the  sim 
ple  cordiality  of  an  Englishwoman ;  "  and  I  hope 
we  shall  find  you  more  rational." 

"  Ah,  Anna,  if  I  could  only  presume  to  throw 
myself  at  your  feet,  and  to  tell  you  how  much  and 
what  I  feel,  I  should  be  the  happiest  fellow  in  all 
England." 

"As  it  is,  you  are  the  most  miserable !"  the 
laughing  girl  answered,  as,  crimsoned  to  the  tem 
ples,  she  drew  away  the  hand  I  was  foolishly 
pressing  against  my  heart.  "  Let  us  go  to  break 
fast,  Mr.  Goldencalf — my  father  has  ridden  across 
the  country  to  visit  Dr.  Liturgy." 

"  Anna,"  I  said,  after  seating  myself,  and  taking 
a  cup  of  tea  from  fingers  that  were  rosy  as  the 
morn,  "  I  fear  you  are  the  greatest  enemy  that  I 
have  on  earth." 

"John  Goldencalf!"  exclaimed  the  startled  girl, 
turning  pale,  and  then  flushing  violently.  "  Pray, 
explain  yourself." 

"  I  love  you  to  my  heart's  core — could  marry 


THE   MONIKINS.  85 

you,  and  then,  I  fear,  worship  you,  as  man  never 
before  worshipped  woman." 

Anna  laughed  faintly. 

"  And  you  feel  in  danger  of  the  sin  of  idolatry?" 
she  at  length  succeeded  in  saying. 

"  No,  I  am  in  danger  of  narrowing  my  sympa 
thies — of  losing  a  broad  and  safe  hold  of  life — of 
losing  my  proper  stake  in  society — of — in  short, 
of  becoming  as  useless  to  my  fellows  as  my  poor, 
poor  father,  and  of  making  an  end  as  miserable ! 
Oh!  Anna,  could  you  have  witnessed  the  hopeless 
ness  of  that  death-bed,  you  could  never  wish  me 
a  fate  like  his  !" 

My  pen  is  unequal  to  convey  an  adequate  idea 
of  the  expression  with  which  Anna  regarded  me. 
Wonder,  doubt,  apprehension,  affection,  and  an 
guish,  were  all  beaming  in  her  eyes;  but  the 
unnatural  brightness  of  these  conflicting  senti 
ments  was  tempered  by  a  softness  that  resembled 
the  pearly  lustre  of  an  Italian  sky. 

"  If  I  yield  to  my  fondness,  Anna,  in  what  will 
my  condition  differ  from  that  of  my  miserable 
father's?  He  concentrated  his  feelings  in  the  love 
of  money,  and  I — yes,  I  feel  it  here,  I  know  it  is 
here — I  should  love  you  so  intensely,  as  to  shut  out 
every  generous  sentiment  in  favor  of  others.  I 
have  a  fearful  responsibility  on  my  shoulders, — 
wealth — gold; — gold,  beyond  limits;  and  to  save 
my  very  soul,  I  must  extend,  not  narrow,  my  interest 
in  my  fellow-creatures.  Were  there  a  hundred 
such  Annas,  I  might  press  you  all  to  my  heart, — 
but,  one!  no — no — 'twould  be  misery — 'twould  be 
perdition!  The  very  excess  of  such  a  passion 
would  render  me  a  heartless  miser,  unworthy  of 
the  confidence  of  my  fellow-men !" 

The  radiant  and  yet  serene  eyes  of  Anna  seemed 
to  read  my  soul ;  and  when  I  had  done  speaking, 

VOL.  I.  8 


86  THE    MONIKINS 

she  arose,  stole  timidly  to  my  side  of  the  table,  as 
woman  approaches  when  she  feels  most,  placed 
her  velvet-like  hand  on  my  burning  forehead, 
pressed  its  throbbing  pulses  gently  to  her  heart, 
burst  into  tears,  and  fled. 

We  dined  alone,  nor  did  we  meet  again  until 
the  dinner  hour.  The  manner  of  Anna  was  sooth 
ing,  gentle,  even  affectionate;  but  she  carefully 
avoided  the  subject  of  the  morning.  As  for  myself, 
I  was  constantly  brooding  over  the  danger  of  con 
centrating  interests,  and  of  the  excellence  of  the 
social-stake  system. 

*'  Your  spirits  will  be  better,  Jack,  in  a  day  or 
two,"  said  Anna,  when  we  had  taken  wine  after 
the  soup.  "  Country  air,  and  old  friends,  will  re 
store  your  freshness  and  color." 

"  If  there  were  a  thousand  Annas,  I  could  be 
happy,  as  man  was  never  happy,  before !  But  I 
must  not,  dare  not,  lessen  my  hold  on  society." 

"  All  of  which  proves  my  insufficiency  to  render 
you  happy.  But  here  comes  Francis,  with  yester 
day  morning's  paper — let  us  see  what  society  is 
about,  in  London." 

After  a  few  moments  of  intense  occupation  with 
the  journal,  an  exclamation  of  pleasure  and  sur 
prise  escaped  the  sweet  girl.  On  raising  my  eyes, 
J  saw  her  gazing  (as  I  fancied)  fondly  at  myself. 

"  Read  what  you  have,  that  seems  to  give  you 
so  much  pleasure." 

She  complied,  reading  with  an  eager  and  tre 
mulous  voice  the  following  paragraph : — 

"  His  Majesty  has  been  most  graciously  pleased 
to  raise  John  Goldencalf,  of  Householder  Hall,  in 
the  county  of  Dorset,  and  of  Cheapside,  Esquire, 
to  the  dignity  of  a  Baronet  of  the  United  King 
doms  of  Great  Britain  and  Ireland." 


THE    MONIKINS.  87 

"  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  I  have  the  honor  to  drink 
to  your  health  and  happiness !"  cried  the  delighted 
girl,  brightening  like  the  dawn,  and  wetting  her 
pouting  lip  with  liquor  less  ruby  than  itself.  "  Here, 
Francis,  fill  a  bumper,  and  drink  to  the  new 
baronet." 

The  gray-headed  butler  did  as  ordered,  with  a 
very  good  grace,  and  then  hurried  into  the  ser 
vants'  hall,  to  communicate  the  news. 

"  Here  at  least,  Jack,  is  a  new  hold  that  society 
has  on  you,  whatever  hold  you  may  have  on 
society." 

I  was  pleased,  because  she  was  pleased,  and 
because  it  showed  that  Lord  Pledge  had  some 
sense  of  gratitude,  (although  he  afterwards  took 
occasion  to  intimate  that  I  owed  the  favor  chiefly 
to  hope,)  and  I  believe  my  eyes  never  expressed 
more  fondness. 

"Lady  Goldencalf  would  not  have  an  awkward 
sound,  after  all,  dearest  Anna." 

"  As  applied  to  one,  Sir  John,  it  might  possibly 
do ;  but  not  as  applied  to  a  hundred."  Anna 
laughed,  blushed,  burst  into  tears  once  more,  and 
again  fled. 

"  What  right  have  I  to  trifle  with  the  feelings 
of  this  single-hearted  and  excellent  girl,"  said  I  to 
myself;  "  it  is  evident  that  the  subject  distresses 
her — she  is  unequal  to  its  discussion,  and  it  is 
unmanly  and  improper  in  me  to  treat  it  in  this 
manner.  I  must  be  true  to  my  character  as  a 
gentleman  and  a  man — ay,  and,  under  present 
circumstances,  as  a  baronet;  and — I  will  never 
speak  of  it  again  as  long  as  I  live." 

The  following  day  I  took  leave  of  Dr.  Ethering- 
ton  and  his  daughter,  with  the  avowed  intention 
of  travelling  for  a  year  or  two.  The  good  rector 


88  THE    MONIKINS. 

gave  me  much  friendly  advice,  flattered  me  with 
expressions  of  confidence  in  my  discretion,  and, 
squeezing  me  warmly  by  the  hand,  begged  me  to 
recollect  that  I  had  always  a  home  at  the  rectory. 
When  I  had  made  my  adieus  to  the  father,  I  went, 
with  a  sorrowful  heart,  in  quest  of  the  daughter. 
She  was  still  in  the  little  breakfast  parlor — that 
parlor  so  loved !  I  found  her  pale,  timid,  sensitive, 
bland,  but  serene.  Little  could  ever  disturb  that 
heavenly  quality  in  the  dear  girl ;  if  she  laughed,  it 
was  with  a  restrained  and  moderated  joy ;  if  she 
wept,  it  was  like  rain  falling  from  a  sky  that  still 
shone  with  the  lustre  of  the  sun.  It  was  only 
when  feeling  and  nature  were  unutterably  big 
within  her,  that  some  irresistible  impulse  of  her 
sex  betrayed  her  into  emotions  like  those  I  had 
twice  witnessed  so  lately. 

"  You  are  about  to  leave  us,  Jack,"  she  said, 
holding  out  her  hand  kindly,  and  without  the  affect 
ation  of  an  indifference  she  did  not  feel — "  you 
will  see  many  strange  faces,  but  you  will  see  none 
who " 

I  waited  for  the  completion  of  the  sentence,  but, 
although  she  struggled  hard  for  self-possession,  it 
was  never  finished. 

"At  my  age,  Anna,  and  with  my  means,  it 
would  be  unbecoming  to  remain  at  home,  when, 
if  I  may  so  express  it,  *  human  nature  is  abroad.' 
I  go  to  quicken  my  sympathies,  to  open  my  heart 
to  my  kind,  and  to  avoid  the  cruel  regrets  that 
tortured  the  death-bed  of  my  father." 

"Well — well" — interrupted  the  sobbing  girl, 
"  we  will  talk  of  it  no  more.  It  is  best  that  you 
should  travel;  and  so  adieu,  with  a  thousand — nay, 
millions  of  good  wishes  for  your  happiness  and 
safe  return. — You  will  come  back  to  us,  Jack, 
when  tired  of  other  scenes  ?" 


THE    MONIKINS.  69 

This  was  said  with  gentle  earnestness,  and  a 
sincerity  so  winning,  that  it  came  near  upsetting 
all  my  philosophy;  but  I  could  not  marry  the 
whole  sex,  and  to  bind  down  my  affections  in  one, 
would  have  been  giving  the  death-blow  to  the  de 
velopment  of  that  sublime  principle  on  which  I  was 
bent,  and  which  I  had  already  decided  was  to 
make  me  worthy  of  my  fortune,  and  the  ornament 
of  my  species.  Had  I  been  offered  a  kingdom, 
however,  I  could  not  speak.  I  took  the  unresisting 
girl  in  my  arms,  folded  her  to  my  heart,  pressed  a 
burning  kiss  on  her  cheek,  and  withdrew. 

"  You  will  come  back  to  us,  Jack  ?"  she  half 
whispered,  as  her  hand  was  reluctantly  drawn 
through  my  own. 

Oh!  Anna,  it  was  indeed  painful  to  abandon  thy 
frank  and  gentle  confidence,  thy  radiant  beauty, 
thy  serene  affections,  and  all  thy  womanly  virtues, 
in  order  to  practise  my  newly  discovered  theory ! 
Long  did  thy  presence  haunt  me — nay,  never  did 
it  entirely  desert  me — putting  my  constancy  to  a 
severe  proof,  and  threatening,  at  each  remove,  to 
contract  the  lengthening  chain  that  still  bound  me 
to  thee,  thy  fire-side,  and  thy  altars !  But  I  tri 
umphed,  and  went  abroad  upon  the  earth,  with  a 
heart  expanding  towards  all  the  creatures  of  God, 
though  thy  image  was  still  enshrined  in  its  inmost 
core,  shining  in  womanly  glory,  pure,  radiant,  and 
without  spot,  like  the  floating  prism  that  forms 
the  lustre  of  the  diamond. 
8* 


90  THE   MONIKINS. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

A  theory  of  palpable  sublimity-— some  practical  ideas,  and 
the  commencement  of  adventures. 

THE  recollection  of  the  intense  feelings  of  that 
important  period  of  my  life  has,  in  some  measure, 
disturbed  the  connexion  of  the  narrative,  and  may 
possibly  have  left  some  little  obscurity,  in  the  mind 
of  the  reader,  on  the  subject  of  the  new  sources 
of  happiness  that  had  broken  on  my  own  intelli 
gence.  A  word  here,  in  the  way  of  elucidation, 
therefore,  may  not  be  misapplied,  although  it  is  my 
purpose  to  refer  more  to  my  acts,  and  to  the  won 
derful  incidents  it  will  shortly  be  my  duty  to  lay 
before  the  world,  for  a  just  understanding  of  my 
views,  than  to  mere  verbal  explanations. 

Happiness — happiness,  here  and  hereafter,  was 
my  goal.  I  aimed  at  a  life  of  useful  and  active 
benevolence,  a  death-bed  of  hope  and  joy,  and  an 
eternity  of  fruition.  With  such  an  object  before 
me,  my  thoughts,  from  the  moment  that  I  wit 
nessed  the  dying  regrets  of  my  father,  had  been 
intensely  brooding  over  the  means-  of  attainment. 
Surprising  as,  no  doubt,  it  will  appear  to  vulgar 
minds,  I  obtained  the  clue  to  this  sublime  mystery, 
at  the  late  election  for  the  borough  of  Householde*r, 
and  from  the  lips  of  my  Lord  Pledge.  Like  other 
important  discoveries,  it  is  very  simple  when 
understood,  being  easily  rendered  intelligible  to 
the  dullest  capacities,  as,  indeed,  in  equity,  ought 
to  be  the  case  with  every  principle  that  is  so  inti 
mately  connected  with  the  well-being  of  man. 

It  is  an  universally  admitted  truth,  that  happiness 
is  the  only  legitimate  object  of  all  human  associa 
tions.  The  ruled  concede  a  certain  portion  of 
their  natural  rights  for  the  benefits  of  peace,  secu- 


THE   MONIKINS.  91 

rity  and  order,  with  the  understanding  that  they 
are  to  enjoy  the  remainder  as  their  own  proper 
indefeasible  estate.  It  is  true,  that  there  exist,  in 
different  nations,  some  material  differences  of 
opinion  on  the  subject  of  the  quantities  to  be  be 
stowed  and  retained ;  but  these  aberrations  from  a 
just  medium  are  no  more  than  so  many  caprices 
of  the  human  judgment,  and  in  no  manner  do 
they  affect  the  principle.  I  found  also,  that  all  the 
wisest  and  best  of  the  species,  or,  what  is  much 
the  same  thing,  the  most  responsible,  uniformly 
maintain  that  he  who  has  the  largest  stake  in  so 
ciety,  is,  in  the  nature  of  things,  the  most  qualified 
to  administer  its  affairs.  By  a  stake  in  society  is 
meant,  agreeably  to  universal  convention,  a  multi 
plication  of  those  interests  which  occupy  us  in  our 
daily  concerns — or  what  is  vulgarly  called,  pro 
perty.  This  principle  works  by  exciting  us  to  do 
right,  through  those  heavy  investments  of  our  own 
which  would  inevitably  suffer  were  we  to  do  wrong. 
The  proposition  is  now  clear,  nor  can  the  premises 
readily  be  mistaken.  Happiness  is  the  aim  of 
society ;  and  property,  or  a  vested  interest  in  that 
society,  is  the  best  pledge  of  our  disinterested 
ness  and  justice,  and  the  best  qualification  for  its 
proper  control.  It  follows  as  a  legitimate  corol 
lary,  that  a  multiplication  of  those  interests  will 
increase  the  stake,  and  render  us  more  and  more 
worthy  of  the  trust,  by  elevating  us,  as  near  as 
may  be,  to  the  pure  and  ethereal  condition  of  the 
angels.  One  of  those  happy  accidents  which 
sometimes  make  men  emperors  and  kings,  had 
made  me,  perhaps,  the  richest  subject  of  Europe. 
With  this  polar  star  of  theory  shining  before  my 
eyes,  and  with  practical  means  so  ample,  it  would 
have  been  clearly  my  own  fault,  had  I  not  steered 
my  bark  into  the  right  haven.  If  he  who  had  the 
heaviest  investments  was  the  most  likely  to  love  his 


92  THE    MOXIK1XS. 

fellows,  there  could  be  no  great  difficulty  for  one  in 
my  situation  to  take  the  lead  in  philanthropy*  It  is 
true  that,  with  superficial  observers,  the  instance 
of  my  own  immediate  ancestor  might  be  supposed 
to  form  an  exception,  or  rather  an  objection,  to 
the  theory.  So  far  from  this  being  the  case,  how 
ever,  it  proves  the  very  reverse.  My  father,  in  a 
great  measure,  had  concentrated  all  his  invest 
ments  in  the  national  debt.  Now,  beyond  all  cavil, 
he  loved  the  funds  intensely ;  grew  violent  when 
they  were  assailed;  cried  out  for  bayonets  when 
the  mass  declaimed  against  taxation ;  eulogized  the 
gallows,  when  there  were  menaces  of  revolt,  and, 
in  a  hundred  other  ways,  proved  that  "  where  the 
treasure  is,  there  will  the  heart  be  also."  The 
instance  of  my  father,  therefore,  like  all  excep 
tions,  only  went  to  prove  the  excellence  of  the 
rule.  He  had  merely  fallen  into  the  error  of  con 
traction,  when  the  only  safe  course  was  that  of 
expansion.  I  resolved  to  expand;  to  do  that 
which,  probably,  no  political  economist  had  ever 
yet  thought  of  doing — in  short,  to  carry  out  the 
principle  of  the  social  stake  in  such  a  way,  as 
should  cause  me  to  love  all  things,  and  conse 
quently  to  become  worthy  of  being  intrusted  with 
the  care  of  all  things. 

On  reaching  town,  my  earliest  visit  was  one  of 
thanks  to  my  Lord  Pledge.  At  first,  I  had  felt 
some  doubts  whether  the  baronetcy  would,  or 
wrould  not,  aid  the  system  of  philanthropy;  for,  by 
raising  me  above  a  large  portion  of  my  kind,  it 
was,  in  so  much  at  least,  a  removal  from  philan- 
thropical  sympathies ;  but,  by  the  time  the  patent 
was  received,  and  the  fees  were  paid,  I  found  that 
it  might  fairly  be  considered  a  pecuniary  invest 
ment,  and  that  it  was  consequently  brought  within 
the  rule  I  had  prescribed  for  my  own  government. 


THE    MONIKINS.  93 

The  next  thing  was  to  employ  suitable  agents 
to  aid  in  making  the  purchases  that  were  ne 
cessary  to  attach  me  to  mankind.  A  month  was 
diligently  occupied  in  this  way.  As  ready  money 
was  not  wanting,  and  I  was  not  very  particular 
on  the  subject  of  prices,  at  the  end  of  that  time,  I 
began  to  have  certain  incipient  sentiments  which 
went  to  prove  the  triumphant  success  of  the  expe 
riment.  In  other  words,  I  owned  much,  and  was 
beginning  to  take  a  lively  interest  in  all  I  owned. 

I  made  purchases  of  estates  in  England,  Scot 
land,  Ireland  and  Wales.  This  division  of  real 
property  was  meant  to  equalize  my  sentiments 
justly,  between  the  different  portions  of  my  native 
country.  Not  satisfied  with  this,  however,  I  ex 
tended  the  system  to  the  colonies.  I  had  East 
India  shares,  a  running  ship,  Canada  land,  a  plant 
ation  in  Jamaica,  sheep  at  the  Cape  and  at  New 
South  Wales,  an  indigo  concern  at  Bengal,  an 
establishment  for  the  collection  of  antiques  in  the 
Ionian  Isles,  and  a  connexion  with  a  shipping  house, 
for  the  general  supply  of  our  various  dependencies 
with  beer,  bacon,  cheese,  broadcloths  and  iron 
mongery.  From  the  British  Empire,  rny  interests 
were  soon  extended  into  other  countries.  On  the 
Garonne,  and  at  Xeres,  I  bought  vineyards.  In 
Germany  I  took  some  shares  in  different  salt  and 
coal-mines;  the  same  in  South  America,  in  the 
precious  metals ;  in  Russia,  I  dipped  deeply  into 
tallow;  in  Switzerland,  I  set  up  an  extensive  manu- 
factury  of  watches,  and  bought  all  the  horses 
for  a  voiturier  on  a  large  scale.  I  had  silk-worms 
in  Lombardy,  olives  and  hats  in  Tuscany,  a  bath 
in  Lucca,  and  a  maccaroni  establishment  at  Na 
ples.  To  Sicily  I  sent  funds  for  the  purchase  of 
wheat,  and  at  Rome  I  kept  a  connoisseur  to  con 
duct  a  general  agency  in  the  supply  of  British 


94  THE    MONIKINS. 

articles;  such  as  mustard,  porter,  pickles,  and 
corned  beef;  as  well  as  for  the  forwarding  of  pic 
tures  and  statues  to  the  lovers  of  the  arts  and  of  virtu. 

By  the  time  all  this  was  effected,  I  found  my 
hands  full  of  business.  Method,  suitable  agents, 
and  a  resolution  to  succeed,  smoothed  the  way, 
however,  and  I  began  to  look  about  me  and  to  take 
breath.  By  way  of  relaxation,  I  now  descended 
into  details ;  and,  for  a  few  days,  I  frequented  the 
meetings  of  those  who  are  called  "the  Saints," 
in  order  to  see  if  something  might  not  be  done  to 
wards  the  attainment  of  my  object,  through  their 
instrumentality.  I  cannot  say  that  this  experiment 
met  with  all  the  success  I  had  anticipated.  I  heard 
a  great  deal  of  subtle  discussion,  found  that  manner 
was  of  more  account  than  matter,  and  had  unrea 
sonable  and  ceaseless  appeals  to  my  pocket.  So 
near  a  view  of  charity  had  a  tendency  to  expose 
its  blemishes,  as  the  brilliancy  of  the  sun  is  known 
to  exhibit  defects  on  the  face  of  beauty,  which  escape 
the  eye  when  seen  through  the  medium  of  that  artifi 
cial  light  for  which  they  are  best  adapted ;  and  I 
soon  contented  myself  with  sending  my  contributions, 
at  proper  intervals,  keeping  aloof  in  person.  This 
experiment  gave  me  occasion  to  perceive,  that 
human  virtues,  like  little  candles,  shine  best  in  the 
dark,  and  that  their  radiance  is  chiefly  owing  to 
the  atmosphere  of  a  "naughty  world."  From 
speculating  I  returned  to  facts. 

The  question  of  slavery  had  agitated  the  benevo 
lent  for  some  years,  and  finding  a  singular  apathy 
in  my  own  bosom  on  this  important  subject,  *I 
bought  five  hundred  of  each  sex,  to  stimulate  my 
sympathies.  This  led  me  nearer  to  the  United 
States  of  America,  a  country  that  I  had  endeavor 
ed  to  blot  out  of  my  recollection ;  for,  while  thus 
encouraging  a  love  for  the  species,  I  had  scarcely 


THE    MONIKINS.  85 

thought  it  necessary  to  go  so  far  from  home.  As  no 
rule  exists  without  an  exception,  I  confess  I  was  a 
good  deal  disposed  to  believe  that  a  Yankee  might 
very  fairly  be  an  omission  in  an  Englishman's  phi 
lanthropy.  But,  "  in  for  a  penny,  in  for  a  pound." 
The  negroes  led  me  to  the  banks  of  the  Mississippi, 
where  I  was  soon  the  owner  of  both  a  sugar  and 
a  cotton-plantation.  In  addition  to  these  purchases, 
I  took  shares  in  divers  South-Sea-men,  owned  a 
coral  and  pearl-fishery  of  my  own,  and  sent  an  agent 
with  a  proposition  to  King  Tamamamaah  to  create 
a  monopoly  of  sandal- wood,  in  our  joint  behalf. 

The  earth  and  all  it  contained  assumed  new  glo 
ries  in  my  eyes.  I  had  fulfilled  the  essential  condi 
tion  of  the  political  economists,  the  jurists,  the  con 
stitution-mongers,  and  all  the  "talents  and  decency," 
and  had  stakes  in  half  the  societies  of  the  world.  I 
was  fit  to  govern,  I  was  fit  to  advise,  to  dictate  to 
most  of  the  people  of  Christendom ;  for  I  had  taken 
a  direct  interest  in  their  welfares,  by  making  them 
my  own.  Twenty  times  was  I  about  to  jump  into 
a  post-chaise,  and  to  gallop  down  to  the  rectory,  in 
order  to  lay  my  new-born  alliance  with  the  species, 
and  all  its  attendant  felicity,  at  the  feet  of  Anna, — 
but  the  terrible  thought  of  monogamy,  and  of  its 
sympathy-withering  consequences,  as  often  stayed 
my  course.  I  wrote  to  her,  weekly,  however, 
making  her  the  participator  of  a  portion  of  my 
happiness,  though  I  never  had  the  satisfaction  of 
receiving  a  single  line  in  reply. 

Fairly  emancipated  from  selfishness,  and  pledged 
to  the  species,  I  now  quitted  England  on  a  tour  of 
philanthropical  inspection.  I  shall  not  weary  the 
reader  with  an  account  of  my  journeys  over  the 
beaten  tracks  of  the  continent,  but  transport  him 
and  myself  at  once  to  Paris,  in  which  city  I  arrived 
on  the  17th  of  May,  Anno  Domini  1819.  I  had 


96  THE   MOWIKINS. 

seen  much,  fancied  myself  improved,  and,  by  con 
stant  dwelling  on  my*  system,  saw  its  excellencies 
as  plainly  as  Napoleon  saw  the  celebrated  star 
which  defied  the  duller  vision  of  his  uncle,  the 
Cardinal.  At  the  same  time,  as  usually  happens 
with  those  who  direct  all  their  energies  to  a  given 
point,  the  opinions  originally  formed  of  certain  por 
tions  of  my  theory,  began  to  undergo  mutation?,  as 
nearer  and  more  practical  views  pointed  out  incon 
sistencies  and  exposed  defects.  As  regards  Am.;i, 
in  particular,  the  quiet,  gentle,  unobtrusive,  and  yet 
distinct  picture  of  womanly  loveliness,  that  was 
rarely  absent  from  my  mind,  had,  for  the  past 
twelve-month,  haunted  me  with  a  constancy  of  ar 
gument  that  might  have  unsettled  the  Newtonian 
scheme  of  philosophy  itself.  I  already  more  than 
questioned  whether  the  benefit  to  be  derived  from 
the  support  of  one  so  affectionate  and  true,  would 
not  fully  counterbalance  the  disadvantage  of  a  con 
centration  of  interest,  so  far  as  the  sex  was  con 
cerned.  This  growing  opinion  was  fast  getting  to 
be  conviction,  when  I  encountered  on  the  boule 
vards,  one  day,  an  old  country  neighbor  of  the  rec 
tor's,  who  gave  me  the  best  account  of  the  family, 
adding,  after  descanting  on  the  beauty  and  excel 
lence  of  Anna  herself,  that  the  dear  girl  had,  quite 
lately,  actually  refused  a  peer  of  the  realm,  who 
enjoyed  all  the  acknowledged  advantages  of  youth, 
riches,  birth,  rank  and  a  good  name,  and  who  had 
selected  her,  from  a  deep  conviction  of  her  worth, 
and  of  her  ability  to  make  any  sensible  man  happy. 
As  to  my  own  power  over  the  heart  of  Anna,  I 
never  entertained  a  doubt.  She  had  betrayed  it  in 
a  thousand  ways,  and  on  a  hundred  occasions ;  nor 
had  I  been  at  all  backward  in  letting  her  under 
stand  how  highly  I  valued  her  dear  self,  although 
I  had  never  yet  screwed  up  my  resolution  so  high, 


THE   MONIKINS.  97 

as  distinctly  to  propose  for  her  hand.  But  all  my 
unsettled  purposes  became  concentrated  on  hearing 
this  welcome  intelligence;  and,  taking  an  abrupt 
leave  of  my  old  acquaintance,  I  hurried  home  and 
wrote  the  following  letter : 

Dear — very  dear,  nay — dearest  ANNA  : 

I  met  your  old  neighbor  ,  this  morning,  on  the 

boulevards,  and  during  an  interview  of  an  hour  we  did  little 
else  but  talk  of  thee.  Although  it  has  been  my  most  ardent 
and  most  predominant  wish  to  open  my  heart  to  the  whole 
species,  yet,  Anna,  I  fear  I  have  loved  thee  alone !  Absence, 
so  far  from  expanding,  appears  to  contract  my  affections,  too 
many  of  which  centre  in  thy  sweet  form  and  excellent  vir 
tues.  The  remedy  I  proposed  is  insufficient,  and  I  begin  to 
think  that  matrimony  alone  can  leave  me  master  of  sufficient 
freedom  of  thought  and  action,  to  turn  the  attention  I  ought 
to  the  rest  of  the  human  race.  Thou  hast  been  with  me  in 
idea,  in  the  four  corners  of  the  earth,  by  sea  and  by  land, 
in  dangers  and  in  safety,  in  all  seasons,  regions  and  situa 
tions,  and  there  is  no  sufficient  reason  why  those  who  are 
ever  present  in  the  spirit,  should  be  materially  separated. 
Thou  hast  only  to  say  a  word,  to  whisper  a  hope,  to  breathe 
a  wish,  and  I  will  throw  myself,  a  repentant  truant,  at  thy 
feet,  and  implore  thy  pity.  When  united,  however,  we  will 
not  lose  ourselves  in  the  sordid  and  narrow  paths  of  self 
ishness,  but  come  forth  again,  in  company,  to  acquire  a  new 
and  still  more  powerful  hold  on  this  beautiful  creation,  of 
which,  by  this  act,  I  acknowledge  thee  to  be  the  most  divine 
portion. 

Dearest,  dearest  Anna,  thine  and  the  species', 
For  ever, 

JOHN  GOLDENCALP. 
To  Miss  ETHERINGTON. 

If  there  was  ever  a  happy  fellow  on  earth,  it  was 
myself,  when  this  letter  was  written,  sealed,  and 
VOL.  I.  9 


98  THE   MON1KINS. 

fairly  dispatched.  The  die  was  cast ;  and  I  walked 
into  the  air,  a  regenerated  and  an  elastic  being;  Let 
what  might  happen,  I  was  sure  of  Anna.  Her  gen 
tleness  would  calm  my  irritability;  her  prudence 
temper  my  energies ;  her  bland  but  enduring  affec 
tions  soothe  my  soul.  I  felt  at  peace  with  all  around 
me,  myself  included,  and  I  found  a  sweet  assurance 
of  the  wisdom  of  the  step  I  had  just  taken  in  the 
expanding  sentiment.  If  such  were  my  sensations 
now  that  every  thought  centered  in  Anna,  what 
would  they  not  become  when  these  personal  trans 
ports  were  cooled  by  habit,  and  nature  was  left  to 
the  action  of  the  ordinary  impulses !  I  began  to 
doubt  of  the  infallibility  of  that  part  of  my  system 
which  had  given  me  so  much  pain,  and  to  incline  to 
the  new  doctrine,  that  by  concentration  on  particu 
lar  parts,  we  come  most  to  love  the  whole.  On 
examination,  there  was  reason  to  question  whether 
it  was  not  on  this  principle  even,  that,  as  an  espe 
cial  landholder,  I  attained  so  great  an  interest  in 
my  native  island ;  for,  while  I  did  not  certainly  own 
the  whole  of  Great  Britain,  I  felt  that  I  had  a  pro 
found  respect  for  every  thing  in  it,  that  was  in  any, 
even  the  most  remote  manner,  connected  with  my 
own  particular  possessions. 

A  week  flew  by  in  delightful  anticipations.  The 
happiness  of  this  short  but  heavenly  period  became 
so  exciting,  so  exquisite,  that  I  was  on  the  point  of 
giving  birth  to  an  improvement  on  my  theory,  (or 
rather  on  the  theory  of  the  political  economists  and 
constitution-mongers,  for  it  is  in  fact  theirs,  and 
not  mine,)  when  the  answer  of  Anna  was  received. 
If  anticipation  be  a  state  of  so  much  happiness, — 
happiness  being  the  great  pursuit  of  man, — why  not 
invent  a  purely  probationary  condition  of  society  1 
— why  not  change  its  elementary  features  from 
positive  to  anticipating  interests,  which  would  give 


THE    MONIKINS.  99 

more  zest  to  life,  and  bestow  felicity  unimpaired 
by  the  dross  of  realities  ?  I  had  determined  to  carry 
out  this  principle  in  practice,  by  an  experiment,  and 
left  the  hotel  to  order  an  agent  to  advertise,  and  to 
enter  into  a  treaty  or  two,  for  some  new  invest 
ments,  (without  the  smallest  intention  of  bringing 
them  to  a  conclusion,)  when  the  porter  delivered 
me  the  ardently  expected  letter.  I  never  knew 
what  would  be  the  effect  of  taking  a  stake  in  so 
ciety  by  anticipation,  therefore;  the  contents  of 
Anna's  missive  driving  every  subject  that  was  not 
immediately  connected  with  the  dear  writer,  and 
with  sad  realities,  completely  out  of  my  head.  It 
is  not  improbable,  however,  that  the  new  theory 
would  have  proved  to  be  faulty,  for  I  have  often  had 
occasion  to  remark  that  heirs  (in  remainder,  for 
instance,)  manifest  a  hostility  to  the  estate,  by  car 
rying  out  the  principle  of  anticipation,  rather  than 
any  of  that  prudent  respect  for  social  consequences, 
to  which  the  legislator  looks  with  so  much  anxiety. 
The  letter  of  Anna  was  in  the  following  words : , 

Good — nay,  Dear  JOHN, 

Thy  letter  was  put  into  my  hands  yesterday.  This  is 
the  fifth  answer  I  have  commenced,  and  you  will  therefore 
see  that  I  do  not  write  without  reflection.  I  know  thy  ex 
cellent  heart,  John,  better  than  it  is  known  to  thyself.  It  has 
either  led  thee  to  the  discovery  of  a  secret  of  the  last  im 
portance  to  thy  fellow-creatures,  or  it  has  led  thee  cruelly 
astray.  An  experiment  so  noble  and  so  praiseworthy,  ought 
not  to  be  abandoned,  on  account  of  a  few  momentary  misgiv 
ings  concerning  the  result.  Do  not  stay  thy  eagle  flight, 
at  the  instant  thou  art  soaring  so  near  the  sun!  Should 
we  both  judge  it  for  our  mutual  happiness,  I  can  become  thy 
wife  at  a  future  day.  We  are  still  young,  and  there  is  no 
urgency  for  an  immediate  union.  In  the  mean  time,  I  will 
endeavor  to  prepare  myself  to  be  the  companion  of  a  philan- 


100  THE   MONIKINS. 

thropist,  by  practising  on  thy  theory,  and,  by  expanding  my 
own  affections,  render  myself  worthy  to  be  the  wife  of  one 
who  has  so  large  a  stake  in  society,  and  who  loves  so  many 
and  so  truly. 

Thine  imitator  and  friend, 

Without  change, 

ANNA  ETHERINGTON. 
To  Sir  JOHN  GOLDENCALF,  Bart. 

P.  S.  You  may  perceive  that  I  am  in  a  state  of  improve 
ment,  for  I  have  just  refused  the  hand  of  Lord  M'Dee,  because 
I  found  I  loved  all  his  neighbors,  quite  as  well  as  I  loved  the 
young  peer  himself. 

Ten  thousand  furies  took  possession  of  my  soul, 
in  the  shape  of  so  many  demons  of  jealousy.  Anna 
expanding  her  affections  ! — Anna  taking  any  other 
stake  in  society  than  that  I  made  sure  she  would 
accept  through  me! — Anna  teaching  herself  to 
love  more  than  one,  and  that  one  myself! — The 
thought  was  madness.  I  did  not  believe  in  the 
sincerity  of  her  refusal  of  Lord  M'Dee.  I  ran  for 
a  copy  of  the  Peerage,  (for  since  my  own  eleva 
tion  in  life,  I  regularly  bought  both  that  work  and 
the  Baronetage,)  and  turned  to  the  page  that  con 
tained  his  name.  He  was  a  Scottish  Viscount, 
who  had  just  been  created  a  Baron  of  the  United 
Kingdom,  and  his  age  was  precisely  that  of  my 
own.  Here  was  a  rival  to  excite  distrust !  By  a 
singular  contradiction  in  sentiments,  the  more  I 
dreaded  his  power  to  injure  me,  the  more  I  under 
valued  his  means.  While  I  fancied  Anna  was 
merely  playing  with  me,  and  had  in  secret  made 
up  her  mind  to  be  a  peeress,  I  had  no  doubt  that 
the  subject  of  her  choice  was  both  ill-favored  and 
awkward,  and  had  cheek-bones  like  a  Tartar. 
While  reading  of  the  great  antiquity  of  his  family, 
(which  reached  obscurity  in  the  thirteenth  century,) 


THE   MONIKIffS.  101 

I  set  it  down  as  established,  that  the  first  of  his 
unknown  predecessors  was  a  bare-legged  thief; 
and,  at  the  very  moment  that  I  imagined  Anna 
was  smiling  on  him,  and  retracting  her  coquettish 
denial,  I  could  have  sworn  that  he  spoke  with  an 
unintelligible  border  accent,  and  that  he  had  red 
hair! 

The  torment  of  such  pictures  grew  to  be  intole 
rable,  and  I  rushed  into  the  open  air  for  relief. 
How  long,  or  whither  I  wandered,  I  know  not ; 
but  on  the  morning  of  the  following  day  I  found 
I  was  seated  in  a  guinguette,  near  the  base  of  Mont- 
martre,  eagerly  devouring  a  roll,  and  refreshing 
myself  with  sour  wine.  When  a  little  recovered 
from  the  shock  of  discovering  myself  in  a  situation 
so  novel,  (for,  having  no  investments  in  guinguettes, 
I  had  not  taken  sufficient  interest  in  these  popular 
establishments  ever  to  enter  one  before,)  I  had 
leisure  to  look  about  and  survey  the  company. 
Some  fifty  Frenchmen  of  the  laboring  classes  were 
drinking  on  every  side,  and  talking  with  a  vehe 
mence  of  gesticulation,  and  a  clamor,  that  com 
pletely  annihilated  thought.  This  then,  thought  I, 
is  a  scene  of  popular  happiness.  These  creatures 
are  excellent  fellows,  enjoying  themselves  on 
liquor  that  has  not  paid  the  city-duty ;  and  perhaps 
I  may  seize  upon  some  point  that  favors  my  sys 
tem  among  spirits  so  frank  and  clamorous.  Doubt 
less,  if  any  one  among  them  is  in  possession  of  any 
important  social  secret,  it  will  not  fail  to  escape 
him  here.  From  meditations  of  this  philosophical 
character,  I  was  suddenly  aroused  by  a  violent 
blow  before  me,  accompanied  with  an  exclama 
tion,  in  very  tolerable  English,  of  the  word — 

"King!" 

On  the  centre  of  the  board  which  did  the  office 
of  a  table,  and  directly  beneath  my  eyes,  lay  a 
*9* 


102  THE   MONIKINS. 

clenched  fist  of  fearful  dimensions,  that,  in  color 
and  protuberances,  bore  a  good  deal  of  resem 
blance  to  a  freshly  unearthed  Jerusalem  artichoke. 
Its  sinews  seemed  to  be  cracking  with  tension,  and 
the  whole  knob  was  so  expressive  of  intense  pug 
nacity,  that  my  eyes  involuntarily  sought  its 
owner's  face.  I  had  unconsciously  taken  my  seat 
directly  opposite  a  man  whose  stature  was  nearly 
double  that  of  the  compact,  bustling,  sputtering, 
and  sturdy  little  fellows,  who  were  bawling  on 
every  side  of  us,  and  whose  skinny  lips,  instead 
of  joining  in  the  noise,  were  so  firmly  compressed 
as  to  render  the  crevice  of  the  mouth  no  more 
strongly  marked  than  a  wrinkle  in  the  brow  of  a 
man  of  sixty.  His  complexion  was  naturally  fair, 
but  exposure  had  tanned  the  skin  of  his  face  to 
the  color  of  the  crackle  of  a  roasted  pig;  those 
parts  which  a  painter  would  be  apt  to  term  the 
"  high  lights"  being  indicated  by  touches  of  red, 
nearly  as  bright  as  fourth-proof  brandy.  His  eyes 
were  small,  stern,  fiery,  and  very  gray ;  and  just 
at  the  instant  they  met  my  admiring  look,  they 
resembled  two  stray  coals,  that,  by  some  means, 
had  got  separated  from  the  body  of  adjacent  heat 
in  the  face.  He  had  a  prominent,  well-shaped 
nose,  athwart  which  the  skin  was  stretched  like 
leather  in  the  process  of  being  rubbed  down  on 
the  currier's  bench,  and  his  ropy  black  hair  was 
carefully  smoothed  over  his  temples  and  brows,  in 
a  way  to  show  that  he  was  abroad  on  a  holiday 
excursion. 

When  our  eyes  met,  this  singular-looking  being 
gave  me  a  nod  of  friendly  recognition,  for  no  better 
reason  that  I  could  discover,  than  the  fact  that  I 
did  not  appear  to  be  a  Frenchman. 

"  Did  mortal  man  ever  listen  to  such  fools,  Cap- 


THE   MONIKINS.  103 

tain,"  he  observed,  as  if  certain  we  must  think 
alike  on  the  subject. 

"  Really  I  did  not  attend  to  what  was  said ; 
there  certainly  is  much  noise." 

"I  don't  pretend  to  understand  a  word  of 
what  they  are  saying,  myself;  but  it  sounds  like 
thorough  nonsense." 

"  My  ear  is  not  yet  sufficiently  acute  to  distin 
guish  sense  from  nonsense  by  mere  intonation  and 
sound — but  it  would  seem,  sir,  that  you  speak 
English,  only." 

"  Therein  you  are  mistaken ;  for,  being  a  great 
traveller,  I  have  been  compelled  to  look  about  me, 
and  as  a  nat'ral  consequence,  I  speak  a  little  of  all 
languages.  I  do  not  say  that  I  use  the  foreign 
parts  of  speech  always  fundamentally,  but  then  I 
worry  through  an  idee  so  as  to  make  it  legible 
and  of  use,  especially  in  the  way  of  eating  and 
drinking.  As  to  French,  now,  I  can  say  ( don- 
nez-me  some  van,'  and  '  don-nez-vous  some  pan1  as 
well  as  the  best  of  them ;  but  when  there  are  a 
dozen  throats  bawling  at  once,  as  is  the  case  with 
these  here  chaps,  why  one  might  as  well  go  on 
the  top  of  Ape's  Hill,  and  hold  a  conversation  with 
the  people  he  will  meet  with  there,  as  to  pretend 
to  hold  a  rational  or  a  discussional  discourse.  For 
my  part,  where  there  is  to  be  a  conversation,  I 
like  every  one  to  have  his  turn,  keeping  up  the 
talk,  as  it  might  be,  watch  and  watch ;  but  among 
these  Frenchmen  it  is  pretty  much  as  if  their  idees 
had  been  caged,  and  the  door  being  suddenly 
opened,  they  fly  out  in  a  flock,  just  for  the  pleasure 
of  saying  they  are  at  liberty." 

I  now  perceived  that  my  companion  was  a 
reflecting  being,  his  ratiocination  being  connected 
by  regular  links,  and  that  he  did  not  boost  his  phi 
losophy  on  the  leaping-staff  of  impulse,  like  most 


104  THE   MONIKINS. 

of  those  who  were  sputtering,  and  arguing,  and 
wrangling,  with  untiring  lungs,  in  all  corners  of 
the  guinguette.  I  frankly  proposed,  therefore,  that 
we  should  quit  the  place,  and  walk  into  the  road, 
where  our  discourse  would  be  less  disturbed,  and 
consequently  more  satisfactory.  The  proposal  was 
well  received,  and  we  left  the  brawlers,  walking 
by  the  outer  boulevards  towards  my  hotel  in  the 
Rue  de  Rivoli,  by  the  way  of  the. Champs  Elyse'es. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

Touching  an  amphibious  animal,  a  special  introduction,  and 
its  consequences. 

I  SOON  took  an  interest  in  my  new  acquaintance. 
He  was  communicative,  shrewd,  and  peculiar ;  and 
though  apt  to  express  himself  quaintly,  it  was 
always  with  the  pith  of  one  who  had  seen  a  great 
deal  of,  at  least,  one  portion  of  his  fellow-crea 
tures.  The  conversation,  under  such  circum 
stances,  did  not  flag;  on  the  contrary,  it  soon 
grew  more  interesting  by  the  stranger's  beginning 
to  touch  on  his  private  interests.  He  told  me  that 
he  was  a  mariner,  who  had  been  cast  ashore  by 
one  of  the  accidents  of  his  calling,  and,  by  way 
of  putting  in  a  word  in  his  own  favor,  he  gave  me 
to  understand  that  he  had  seen  a  great  deal,  more 
especially  of  that  caste  of  his  fellow-creatures,  who, 
like  himself,  live  by  frequenting  the  mighty  deep. 

" I  am  very  happy,"  I  said,  "to  have  met  with 
a  stranger  who  can  give  me  information  touching 
an  entire  class  of  human  beings,  with  whom  I 
have,  as  yet,  had  but  little  communion.  In  order 
that  we  may  improve  the  occasion  to  the  utmost, 


THE   MONIKINS.  105 

I  propose  that  we  introduce  ourselves  to  each 
other  at  once,  and  swear  an  eternal  friendship,  or, 
at  least,  until  we  may  find  it  convenient  to  dis 
pense  with  the  obligation." 

"  For  my  part,  I  am  one  who  like  the  friendship 
of  a  dog  better  than  his  enmity,*'  returned  my  com 
panion,  with  a  singleness  of  purpose  that  left  him 
no  disposition  to  waste  his  breath  in  idle  compli 
ments.  "  I  accept  the  offer,  therefore,  with  all  my 
heart ;  and  this  the  more  readily,  because  you  are 
the  only  one  I  have  met,  for  a  week,  who  can 
ask  me  how  I  do,  without  saying  '  Come  on,  dong, 
portez-vous.'  Being  used  to  meet  with  squalls,  how 
ever,  I  shall  accept  your  offer  under  the  last  con 
dition  named." 

I  liked  the  stranger's  caution.  It  denoted  a  pro 
per  care  of  character,  and  furnished  a  proof  of 
responsibility.  The  condition  was  therefore  ac 
cepted  on  my  part,  as  frankly  as  it  had  been  urged 
on  his. 

"  And  now,  sir,"  I  added,  "when  we  had  shaken 
each  other  very  cordially  by  the  hand,  "  may  I 
presume  to  ask  your  name  ?" 

"  I  am  called  Noah,  and  I  don't  care  who  knows 
it.  I'm  not  ashamed  of  either  of  my  names,  what 
ever  else  I  may  be  ashamed  of." 

«  Noah ?" 

"Poke,  at  your  service" — he  pronounced  the 
word  slowly  and  very  distinctly,  as  if  what  he 
had  just  said  of  his  self-confidence  were  true.  As 
I  had  afterwards  occasion  to  take  his  signature,  1 
shall  at  once  give  it  in  the  proper  form — "  Capt 
Noah  Poke." 

"  Of  what  part  of  England  are  you  a  native, 
Mr.  Poke?" 

"  I  believe  I  may  say,  of  the  new  parts." 

"  I  did  not  know  that  any  portion  of  the  island 


10ft  THE    MONIKINS. 

was  so  designated.  Will  you  have  the  good-nature 
to  explain  yourself." 

"I'm  a  native  of  Stunin'tun,  in  the  state  of 
Connecticut,  in  old  New  England.  My  parents 
being  dead,  I  was  sent  to  sea  a  four-year-old,  and 
here  I  am,  walking  about  the  kingdom  of  France 
without  a  cent  in  my  pocket,  a  shipwrecked  mari 
ner.  Hard  as  my  lot  is,  to  say  the  truth,  I'd  about 

as  leave  starve  as  live  by  speaking  their  d d 

lingo." 

"Shipwrecked — a  mariner — starving — and  a 
Yankee !" 

"All  that,  and  maybe  more,  too;  though,  by 
your  leave,  commodore,  we'll  drop  the  last  title. 
I'm  proud  enough  to  call  myself  a  Yankee,  but  my 
back  is  apt  to  get  up  when  I  hear  an  Englishman 
use  the  word.  We  are  yet  friends,  and  it  may  be 
well  enough  to  continue  so,  until  some  good  comes 
of  it,  to  one  or  the  other  of  the  parties." 

"I  ask  your  pardon,  Mr.  Poke,  and  will  not 
offend  again.  Have  you  circumnavigated  the 
globe?" 

Capt.  Poke  snapped  his  fingers,  in  pure  contempt 
of  the  simplicity  of  the  question. 

"  Has  the  moon  ever  sailed  round  the  'arth ! 
Look  here  a  moment,  commodore" — he  took  from 
his  pocket  an  apple,  of  which  he  had  been  munch 
ing  half-a-dozen  during  the  walk,  and  held  it  up  to 
view — "  draw  your  lines  which  way  you  will  on 
this  sphere;  crosswise,  or  lengthwise,  up  or  down, 
zig-zag  or  parpendic'lar,  and  you  will  not  find 
more  traverses  than  I've  worked  about  the  old 
ball!" 

" By  land,  as  well  as  by  sea?" 

"  Why,  as  to  the  land,  I've  had  my  share  of 
that,  too ;  for  it  has  been  my  hard  fortune  to  run 
upon  it,  when  a  softer  bed  would  have  given  a 


THE   MONIKINS.  107 

more  quiet  nap.  This  is  just  the  present  difficulty 
with  me,  for  I  am  now  tacking  about  among 
these  Frenchmen  in  order  to  get  afloat  again,  like 
an  alligator  floundering  in  the  mud.  I  lost  my 
schooner  on  the  north-east  coast  of  Russia — some 
where  hereabouts,"  pointing  to  the  precise  spot  on 
the  apple ;  "  we  were  up  there  trading  in  skins — 
and  finding  no  means  of  reaching  home  by  the 
road  I'd  come,  and  smelling  salt  water  down  here 
away,  Pve  been  shaping  my  course  westward,  for 
the  last  eighteen  months,  steering  as  near  as  might 
be  directly  athwart  Europe  and  Asia ;  and  here  1 
am  at  last,  within  two  days'  run  of  Havre,  which 
is,  if  I  can  get  good  Yankee  planks  beneath  me 
once  more,  within  some  eighteen  or  twenty  days' 
run  of  home."  is 

"  You  allow  me,  then,  to  call  the  planks,  Yan 
kee?" 

"  Call  'em  what  you  please,  commodore;  though 
I  should  prefar  to  call  'em  the  '  Debby  and  Dolly 
of  Stunin'tun,'  to  any  thing  else,  for  that  was  the 
name  of  the  craft  I  lost. — Well,  the  test  of  us  are 
but  frail,  and  the  longest-winded  man  is  no  dolphin 
to  swim  with  his  head  under  water !" 

"  Pray,  Mr.  Poke,  permit  me  to  ask  where  you 
learned  to  speak  the  English  language  with  so 
much  purity  ?" 

"  Stunin'tun — I  never  had  a  mouthful  of  school 
ing  but  what  I  got  at  home.  It's  all  homespun.  I 
make  no  boast  of  scholarship ;  but  as  for  naviga 
tion,  or  for  finding  my  way  about  the  'arth,  I'll 
turn  my  back  on  no  man,  unless  it  be  to  leave  him 
behind.  Now  we  have  people  with  us,  that  think 
a  great  deal  of  their  geometry  and  astronomies, 
but  I  hold  to  no  such  slender  threads.  My  way  is, 
when  there  is  occasion  to  go  anywhere,  to  settle 
it  well  in  my  mind  as  to  the  place,  and  then  to 


108  THE    MONIKINS. 

make  as  straight  a  wake,  as  natur'  will  allow, 
taking  little  account  of  the  charts,  which  are  as  apt 
to  put  you  wrong  as  right ; — and  when  they  do  get 
you  into  a  scrape,  it's  a  smasher!  Depend  on 
yourself  and  human  natur',  is  my  rule ;  though  I 
admit  there  is  some  accommodation  in  a  compass, 
particularly  in  cold  weather." 

"  Cold  weather  ! — I  do  not  well  comprehend  the 
distinction." 

"Why,  I  rather  conclude  that  one's  scent  gets 
to  be  dullish  in  a  frost ;  but  this  may  be  no  more 
than  a  conceit,  after  all,  for  the  two  times  I've  been 
wrecked  were  in  summer,  and  both  the  accidents 
happened  by  sheer  dint  of  hard  blowing,  and  in 
broad  day-light,  when  nothing  human,  short  of  a 
change  of  wind,  could  have  saved  us." 

"  And  you  prefer  this  peculiar  sort  of  naviga 
tion?" 

"  To  all  others,  especially  in  the  sealing-business, 
which  is  my  ra'al  occupation.  It's  the  very  best 
way  in  the  world,  to  discover  islands ;  and  every 
body  knows  that  \ve  sealers  are  always  on  the 
look-out  for  su'thin'  of  that  sort." 

"  Will  you  suffer  me  to  inquire,  Captain  Poke, 
how  many  times  you  have  doubled  Cape  Horn  ?" 

My  navigator  threw  a  quick,  jealous  glance  at 
me,  as  if  he  distrusted  the  nature  of  the  question. 

"  Why,  that  is  neither  here  nor  there ; — perhaps  I 
don't  double  either  of  the  capes,  perhaps  I  do.  I  get 
into  the  South  Sea  with  my  craft,  and  it's  of  no  great 
moment  how  it's  done.  A  skin  is  worth  just  as  much 
in  the  market,  though  the  furrier  may  not  happen 
to  have  a  glossary  of  the  road  it  has  travelled." 

"  A  glossary  ?" 

"  What  matters  a  signification,  commodore,  when 
people  understand  each  other?  This  over-land  jour 
ney  has  put  me  to  my  wits,  for  you  will  understand, 


THE   MONIKINS.  109 

that  I've  had  to  travel  among  natives  that  cannot 
speak  a  syllable  of  the  homespun ;  so  I  brought  the 
schooner's  dictionary  with  me  as  a  sort  of  terres 
trial  almanac,  and  I  fancied  that,  as  they  spoke  gib 
berish  to  me,  the  best  way  was  to  give  it  to  them 
back  again,  as  near  as  might  be  in  their  own  coin, 
hoping  I  might  hit  on  su'thin'  to  their  liking.  By 
this  means,  I've  come  to  be  rather  more  voluble 
than  formerly." 

"  The  idea  was  happy." 

"  No  doubt  it  was,  as  is  just  evinced.  But,  hav 
ing  given  you  a  pretty  clear  insight  into  my  natur' 
and  occupation,  it  is  time  that  I  ask  a  few  questions 
of  you.  This  is  a  business,  you  must  know,  at 
which  we  do  a  good  deal  at  Stunm'tun,  and  at 
which  we  are  commonly  thought  to  be  handy." 

"  Put  your  questions,  Capt.  Poke ;  I  hope  the  an 
swers  will  be  satisfactory." 

"  Your  name  ?" 

"  John  Goldencalf — by  the  favor  of  His  Majesty, 
Sir  John  Goldencalf,  Baronet." 

"  *  Sir  John  Goldencalf— by  the  favor  of  His  Ma 
jesty,  a  Baronet !'  Is  Baronet  a  calling  ?  or  what 
sort  of  crittur  or  thing  is  it  ?" 

"  It  is  my  rank,  in  the  kingdom  to  which  I  be 
long." 

"  I  begin  to  understand  what  you  mean.  Among 
your  nation,  mankind  is  what  we  call  stationed, 
like  a  ship's  people  that  are  called  to  go  about ; — 
you  have  a  certain  birth  in  that  kingdom  of  yours, 
much  as  I  should  have  in  a  sealing  schooner." 

"  Exactly  so ;  and  I  presume  you  will  allow  that 
order,  and  propriety,  and  safety,  result  from  this 
method,  among  mariners  ?" 

"  No  doubt — no  doubt ;  we  station  anew,  how 
ever,  each  v'yage,  according  to  experience:  I'm 

VOL.  I.  10 


HO  THE    MON1K1N3. 

not  so  sure  that  it  would  do  to  take  even  the  cook 
from  father  to  son,  or  we  might  have  a  pretty  mess 
of  it" 

Here  the  sealer  commenced  a  series  of  questions, 
which  he  put  with  a  vigor  and  perseverance  that,  I 
fear,  left  me  without  a  single  fact  of  my  life  unre- 
vealed,  except  those  connected  with  the  sacred  sen 
timent  that  bound  me  to  Anna,  and  which  were  far 
too  hallowed  to  escape  me,  even  under  the  ordeal 
of  a  Stunin'tun  inquisitor.  In  short,  finding  that  I 
was  nearly  helpless  in  such  hands,  I  made  a  merit 
of  necessity,  and  yielded  up  my  secrets,  as  wood 
in  a  vice  discharges  its  moisture.  It  was  scarcely 
possible  that  a  mind  like  mine,  subjected  to  the  action 
of  such  a  pair  of  moral  screws,  should  not  yield 
.some  hints  touching  its  besetting  propensities.  The 
Captain  seized  this  clue,  and  he  went  at  the  theory 
like  a  bull-dog  at  the  muzzle  of  an  ox. 

To  oblige  him,  therefore,  I  entered,  at  some 
length,  into  an  explanation  of  my  system.  After 
the  general  remarks  that  were  necessary  to  give  a 
stranger  an  insight  into  its  leading  principles,  I 
gave  him  to  understand  that  I  had  long  been  look 
ing  for  one  like  him,  for  a  purpose  that  shall  now 
be  explained  to  the  reader.  I  had  entertained  some 
negotiations  with  Tamaahmaah,  and  had  certain  in 
vestments  in  the  pearl  and  whale-fisheries,  it  is  true ; 
but,  on  the  whole,  my  relations  with  all  that  por 
tion  of  mankind  who  inhabit  the  islands  of  the 
Pacific,  the  north-west  coast  of  America,  and  the 
north-east  coast  of  the  old  continent,  were  rather 
loose,  and  generalty  in  an  unsettled  and  vague  con 
dition  ;  and  it  appeared  to  me  that  I  had  been  singu 
larly  favored,  in  having  a  man  so  well  adapted  to 
their  regeneration,  thrown,  as  it  were,  by  Provi 
dence,  and  in  a  manner  so  unusual,  directly  in  my 


THE    MONIKINS.  Ill 

way.  I  now  frankly  proposed,  therefore,  to  fit  out 
an  expedition,  that  should  be  partly  of  trade  and 
partly  of  discovery,  in  order  to  expand  my  interests 
in  this  new  direction,  and  to  place  my  new  acquaint 
ance  at  its  head.  Ten  minutes  of  earnest  expla 
nation  on  my  part,  sufficed  to  put  my  companion 
in  possession  of  the  leading  features  of  the  plan. — 
When  I  had  ended  this  direct  appeal  to  his  love  of 
enterprise,  I  was  answered  by  the  favorite  exclama 
tion  of — 

"King!" 

"  I  do  not  wonder,  Captain  Poke,  that  your  admi 
ration  breaks  out  in  this  manner ;  for,  I  believe, 
few  men  fairly  enter  into  the  beauty  of  this  benevo 
lent  system,  who  are  not  struck  equally  with  its 
grandeur  and  its  simplicity.  May  I  count  on  your 
assistance  ?" 

"  This  is  a  new  idee,  Sir  Goldencalf " 

"  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  if  you  please,  sir." 

"  A  new  idee,  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  and  it  needs 
circumspection.  Circumspection  in  a  bargain,  is 
the  certain  way  to  steer  clear  of  misunderstandings. 
You  wish  a  navigator  to  take  your  craft,  let  her  oe 
what  she  will,  into  unknown  seas,  and  I  wish,  na 
turally,  to  make  a  straight  course  for  Stunin'tun. — 
You  see  the  bargain  is  in  apogee,  from  the  start." 

"  Money  is  no  consideration  with  me,  Captain 
Poke." 

"  Well,  this  is  an  idee  that  has  brought  many  a 
more  difficult  contract  at  once  into  perigee,  Sir 
John  Goldencalf.  Money  is  always  a  considerable 
consideration  with  me,  and  I  may  say,  also,  just 
now  it  is  rather  more  so  than  usual.  But  when  a 
gentleman  clears  the  way  as  handsomely  as  you 
have  now  done,  any  bargain  may  be  counted  as  a 
good  deal  more  than  half  made." 


112  THE    MOXIKIXS. 

A  few  explicit  explanations  disposed  of  this  part 
of  the  subject,  and  Captain  Poke  accepted  of  my 
terms  in  the  spirit  of  frankness  with  which  they 
were  made.  Perhaps  his  decision  was  quickened 
by  an  offer  of  twenty  Napoleons,  which  I  did  not 
neglect  making  on  the  spot.  Amicable,  and  in 
some  respects'  confidential,  relations  were  now 
established  between  my  new  acquaintance  and 
myself;  and  we  pursued  our  walk,  discussing  the 
details  necessary  to  the  execution  of  our  project. 
After  an  hour  or  two  passed  in  this  manner,  I 
invited  my  companion  to  go  to  my  hotel,  meaning 
that  he  should  partake  of  my  board  until  we  could 
both  depart  for  England,  where  it  was  my  inten 
tion  to  purchase,  without  delay,  a  vessel  for  the 
contemplated  voyage,  in  which  I  also  had  decided 
to  embark  in  person. 

We  were  obliged  to  make  our  way  through  the 
throng  that  usually  frequents  the  lower  part  of  the 
Champs  Elysees,  during  the  season  of  good  wea 
ther  and  towards  the  close  of  day.  This  task  was 
nearly  over,  when  my  attention  was  particularly 
drawn  to  a  group  that  was  just  entering  the  place 
of  general  resort,  apparently  with  the  design  of 
adding  to  the  scene  of  thoughtlessness  and  amuse 
ment.  But,  as  I  am  now  approaching  the  most 
material  part  of  this  extraordinary  work,  it  will 
be  proper  to  reserve  the  opening  for  a  new  chapter. 


fHE   MONIKINS.  113 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

An  introduction  to  four  new  characters,  some  touches  of  phi 
losophy,  and  a  few  capital  thoughts  on  political  economy. 

THE  group  which  drew  my  attention  was  com 
posed  of  six  individuals,  two  of  which  were  ani 
mals  of  the  genus  homo,  or  what  is  vulgarly  termed 
man  ;  and  the  remainder  were  of  the  order  primates, 
and  of  the  class  mammalia;  or  what,  in  common 
parlance,  are  called  monkeys. 

The  first  were  Savoyards,  and  may  be  gene 
rally  described  as  being  unwashed,  ragged  and 
carnivorous,-  in  colour,  swarthy  ;  in  lineaments  and 
expression,  avaricious  and  shrewd,  and  in  appetites 
voracious.  The  latter  were  of  the  common  species, 
of  the  usual  size,  and  of  approved  gravity.  There 
were  two  of  each  sex ;  being  very  equally  paired 
as  to  years  and  external  advantages. 

The  monkeys  were  all  habited  with  more  or  less 
of  the  ordinary  attire  of  our  modern  European 
civilization ;  but  peculiar  care  had  been  taken  with 
the  toilet  of  the  senior  of  the  two  males.  This 
individual  had  on  the  coat  of  a  hussar,  a  cut  that 
would  have  given  a  particular  part  of  his  body  a 
more  military  contour  than  comported  with  his 
real  character,  were  it  not  for  a  red  petticoat,  that 
was  made  shorter  than  common ;  less,  however, 
with  a  view  to  show  a  pretty  foot  and  ankle,  than 
to  leave  the  nether  limbs  at  liberty  to  go  through 
with  certain  extravagant  efforts,  which  the  Savoy 
ards  were  unmercifully  exacting  from  his  natural 
agility.  He  wore  a  Spanish  hat,  decorated  with 
a  few  bedraggled  feathers,  a  white  cockade,  and 
10* 


114  THE   MONIKINS. 

a  wooden  sword.  In  addition  to  the  latter,  he 
carried  in  his  hand  a  small  broom. 

Observing  that  my  attention  was  strongly  at 
tracted  to  this  party,  the  ill-favored  Savoyards 
immediately  commenced  a  series  of  experiments 
in  saltation",  with  the  sole  view,  beyond  a  question, 
to  profit  by  my  curiosity.  The  inoffensive  victims 
of  this  act  of  brutal  tyranny,  submitted  with  a 
patience  worthy  of  the  profoundest  philosophy, 
meeting  the  wishes  of  their  masters  with  a  readi 
ness  and  dexterity  that  was  beyond  all  praise. 
One  swept  the  earth,  another  leaped  on  the  back 
of  a  dog,  a  third  threw  himself  head-over-heels, 
again  and  again,  without  a  murmur;  and  the  fourth 
moved  gracefully  to  and  fro,  like  a  young  girl  in 
a  quadrille.  All  this  might  have  passed  without 
calling  for  particular  remark,  (since,  alas  !  the  spec 
tacle  is  only  too  common,)  were  it  not  for  certain 
eloquent  appeals  that  were  made  to  me,  through 
the  eyes,  by  the  individual  in  the  hussar  jacket. 
His  look  was  rarely  averted  from  my  face  for  a 
moment,  and,  in  this  way,  a  silent  communion 
was  soon  established  between  us.  I  observed  that 
his  gravity  was  indomitable.  Nothing  could  elicit 
a  smile,  or  a  change  of  countenance.  Obedient 
to  the  whip  of  his  brutal  master,  he  never  refused 
the  required  leap ;  for  minutes  at  a  time,  his  legs 
and  petticoat  described  confused  circles  in  the 
air,  appearing  to  have  taken  a  final  leave  of  the 
earth;  but,  the  effort  ended,  he  invariably  descend 
ed  to  the  ground  with  a  quiet  dignity  and  compo 
sure,  that  showed  how  little  the  inward  monkey 
partook  of  the  antics  of  the  outward  animal.  Draw 
ing  my  companion  a  little  aside,  I  ventured  to 
suggest  a  few  thoughts  to  him  on  the  subject. 

"  Really,  Captain  Poke,  it  appears  to  me  there  is 
great  injustice  in  the  treatment  of  these  poor  crea- 


THE  MONIKINS.  115 

tares  !"  I  said.  "  What  right  have  these  two  foul- 
looking  blackguards  to  seize  upon  beings  much 
more  interesting  to  the  eye,  and,  I  dare  say,  far 
more  intellectual,  than  themselves,  and  cause  them 
to  throw  their  legs  about  in  this  extravagant  man 
ner,  under  the  penalty  of  stripes,  and  without 
regard  to  their  feelings,  or  to  their  convenience? — 
I  say,  sir,  the  measure  appears  to  me  to  be  intole 
rably  oppressive,  and  it  calls  for  prompt  redress." 

"  King !" 

"  King  or  subject,  it  does  not  alter  the  moral 
deformity  of  the  act.  What  have  these  innocent 
beings  done,  that  they  should  be  subjected  to  this 
disgrace  ?  Are  they  not  flesh  and  blood,  like  our 
selves — do  they  not  approach  nearer  to  our  form, 
and,  for  aught  we  know  to  the  contrary,  to  our 
reason,  than  any  other  animal  ?  and  is  it  tolerable 
that  our  nearest  imitations,  our  very  cousins, 
should  be  thus  dealt  by?  Are  they  dogs,  that  they 
are  treated  like  dogs  ?" 

"  Why,  to  my  notion,  Sir  John,  there  isn't  a  dog 
on  'arth  that  can  take  such  a  summerset.  Their 
flapjacks  are  quite  extraor'nary !" 

"  Yes,  sir,  and  more  than  extraordinary ;  they 
are  oppressive.  Place  yourself,  Mr.  Poke,  for  a 
single  instant,  in  the  situation  of  one  of  these 
persons;  fancy  that  you  had  a  hussar  jacket 
squeezed  upon  your  brawny  shoulders,  a  petticoat 
placed  over  your  lower  extremities,  a  Spanish  hat 
with  bedraggled  feathers  set  upon  your  head,  a 
wooden  sword  stuck  at  your  side,  and  a  broom 
put  into  your  hand ;  and  that  these  two  Savoyards 
were  to  menace  you  with  stripes  unless  you  con 
sented  to  throw  summersets  for  the  amusement  of 
strangers — I  only  ask  you  to  make  the  case  your 
own,  sir,  and  then  say  what  course  you  would 
take,  and  what  you  would  do  ?" 


116  THE   MON1KINS. 

"  I  would  lick  both  of  these  young  blackguards, 
Sir  John,  without  remorse,  break  the  sword  and 
the  broom  over  their  heads,  kick  their  sensibilities 
till  they  couldn't  see,  and  take  my  course  for 
Stunin'tun,  where  I  belong." 

"Yes,  sir,  this  might  do  with  the  Savoyards, 
who  are  young  and  feeble" 

"'T  wouldn't  alter  the  case  much,  if  two  of 
these  Frenchmen  were  in  their  places" — put  in 
the  Captain,  glaring  wolfishly  about  him.  "  To  be 
plain  with  you,  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  being  human, 
I'd  submit  to  no  such  monkey  tricks." 

"  Do  not  use  the  term  reproachfully,  Mr.  Poke, 
I  entreat  of  you.  We  call  these  animals  monkeys, 
it  is  true ;  but  wre  do  not  know  what  they  call 
themselves.  Man  is  merely  an  animal,  and  you 
must  very  well  know" 

"  Harkee,  Sir  John" — interrupted  the  Captain, 
"I'm  no  botanist,  and  do  not  pretend  to  more 
schooling  than  a  sealer  has  need  of,  for  finding  his 
way  about  the  'arth ;  but,  as  for  a  man's  being  an 
animal,  I  just  wish  to  ask  you,  now,  if,  in  your 
judgment,  a  hog  is  also  an  animal  ?" 

"  Beyond  a  doubt — and  fleas,  and  toads,  and 
sea-serpents,  and  lizards,  and  water-devils — we  are 
all,  neither  more  nor  less  than  animals." 

"  Well,  if  a  hog  is  an  animal,  I  am  willing  to 
allow  the  relationship;  for,  in  the  course  of  my 
experunce,  which  is  not  small,  I  have  met  with 
men  that  you  might  have  mistaken  for  hogs,  in 
every  thing  but  the  bristles,  the  snout,  and  the  tail. 
I'll  never  deny  what  I've  seen  with  my  own  eyes, 
though  I  suffer  for  it ;  and  therefore  I  admit  that 
hogs  being  animals,  it  is  more  than  likely  that 
some  men  must  be  animals  too." 

"We  call  these  interesting  beings  monkeys;  but 
how  do  we  know  that  they  do  not  return  the  com- 


THE    MOMKINS.  117 

pliment,  and  call  us,  in  their  own  particular  dia 
lect,  something  quite  as  offensive.  It  would  become 
our  species  to  manifest  a  more  equitable  and  phi 
losophical  spirit,  and  to  consider  these  interesting 
strangers  as  an  unfortunate  family  which  has  fallen 
into  the  hands  of  brutes,  and  which  is,  in  every 
way,  entitled  to  our  commiseration  and  our  active 
interference.  Hitherto,  I  have  neve.r  sufficiently 
stimulated  my  sympathies  for  the  animal  world, 
by  any  investment  in  quadrupeds;  but  it  is  my 
intention  to  write  to-morrow  to  my  English  agent 
to  purchase  a  pack  of  hounds  and  a  suitable  stud 
of  horses ;  and  by  way  of  quickening  so  laudable 
a  resolution,  I  shall  forthwith  make  propositions  to 
the  Savoyards  for  the  speedy  emancipation  of  this 
family  of  amiable  foreigners.  The  slave  trade  is 
an  innocent  pastime,  compared  to  the  cruel  oppres 
sion  that  the  gentleman  in  the  Spanish  hat,  in  par 
ticular,  is  compelled  to  endure." 

"King!" 

"  He  may  be  a  king,  sure  enough,  in  his  own 
country,  Captain  Poke ; — a  fact  that  would  add  ten 
fold  agony  to  his  unmerited  sufferings." 

Hereupon,  I  proceeded,  without  more  ado,  to 
open  a  negotiation  with  the  Savoyards.  The  judi 
cious  application  of  a  few  Napoleons  soon  brought 
about  a  happy  understanding  between  the  contract 
ing  parties,  when  the  Savoyards  transferred  to  my 
hands  the  strings  which  confined  their  vassals,  as 
the  formal  and  usual  acknowledgment  of  the  right 
of  ownership.  Committing  the  three  others  to  the 
keeping  of  Mr.  Poke,  I  led  the  individual  in  the 
hussar-jacket  a  little  on  one  side,  and,  raising  my 
hat,  to  show  that  I  was  superior  to  the  vulgar  feel 
ing  of  feudal  superiority,  I  addressed  him,  briefly, 
in  the  following  words : — 

"Although  I   have  ostensibly  bought  the  right 


118  THE   MOtflKINS. 

which  these  Savoyards  professed  to  have  in  your 
persons  and  services,  I  seize  an  early  occasion  to 
inform  you  that,  virtually,  you  are  now  free.  As 
we  are  among  a  people  accustomed  to  see  your 
race  in  subjection,  however,  it  may  not  be  prudent 
to  proclaim  the  nature  of  the  present  transaction, 
lest  there  might  be  some  further  conspiracies 
against  your:  natural  rights.  We  will  retire  to  my 
hotel,  forthwith,  therefore,  where  your  future  hap 
piness  shall  be  the  subject  of  our  more  mature  and 
of  our  united  deliberations." 

The  respectable  stranger  in  the  hussar-jacket 
heard  me  with  inimitable  gravity  and  self-command, 
until,  in  the  warmth  of  feeling,  I  raised  an  arm  in 
earnest  gesticulation,  when,  most  probably  over 
come  by  the  emotions  of  delight  that  were  natu 
rally  awakened  in  his  bosom  by  this  sudden  change 
of  fortune,  he  threw  three  summersets,  or  flapjacks, 
as  Captain  Poke  had  quaintly  designated  his  evolu 
tions,  in  so  rapid  succession,  as  to  render  it,  for  a  mo 
ment,  a  matter  of  doubt  whether  nature  had  placed 
his  head  or  his  heels  uppermost. 

Making  a  sign  for  Captain  Poke  to  follow,  I  now 
took  my  way  directly  to  the  rue  de  Rivoli.  We 
were  attended  by  a  constantly  increasing  crowd, 
until  the  gate  of  the  hotel  was  fairly  entered  ;  and 
glad  was  I  to  see  my  charge  safely  housed,  for 
there  were  abundant  indications  of  another  design 
upon  their  rights,  in  the  taunts  and  ridicule  of  the 
living  mass  that  rolled  up,  as  it  were,  upon  our 
heels.  On  reaching  my  own  apartment,  a  courier, 
who  had  been  waiting  my  return,  and  who  had 
just  arrived  express  from  England,  put  a  packet 
into  my  hands,  stating  that  it  came  from  my  prin 
cipal  English  agent.  Hasty  orders  were  given  to 
attend  to  the  comfort  and  wants  of  Captain  Poke 
and  the  strangers,  (orders  that  were  in  no  danger 


THE    MONIKINS.  119 

of  being  neglected,  since  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  with 
the  reputed  annual  revenue  of  three  millions  of 
francs,  had  unlimited  credit  with  all  the  inhabitants 
of  the  hotel,)  and  I  hurried  into  my  cabinet,  and  sat 
down  to  the  eager  perusal  of  the  different  commu 
nications. 

Alas !  there  was  not  a  line  from  Anna !  The  ob 
durate  girl  still  trifled  with  my  misery;  and,  in  re 
venge,  I  entertained  a  momentary  resolution  of 
adopting  the  notions  of  Mahmoud,  in  order  to 
qualify  myself  to  set  up  a  harem. 

The  letters  were  from  a  variety  of  correspond 
ents,  embracing  many  of  those  who  were  entrust 
ed  with  the  care  of  my  interests  in  very  opposite 
quarters  of  the  world.  Half  an  hour  before,  I  had 
been  dying  to  open  more  intimate  relations  with 
the  interesting  strangers ;  but  my  thoughts  instant 
ly  took  a  new  direction,  and  I  soon  found  that  the 
painful  sentiments  I  had  entertained  touching  their 
welfare  and  happiness,  were  quite  lost  in  the  newly 
awakened  interests  that  lay  before  me.  It  is  in 
this  simple  manner,  no  doubt,  that  the  system  to 
which  I  am  a  convert  effects  no  small  part  of  its 
own  great  purposes.  No  sooner  does  any  one  in 
terest  grow  painful  by  excess,  than  a  new  claim 
arises  to  divert  the  thoughts,  a  new  demand  is 
made  on  the  sensibilities ;  and,  by  lowering  bur  af 
fections  from  the  intensity  of  selfishness,  to  the 
more  bland  and  equable  feeling  of  impartiality, 
forms  that  just  and  generous  condition  of  the  mind 
at  which  the  political  economists  aim,  when  they 
dilate  on  the  glories  and  advantages  of  their  favor 
ite  theory  of  the  social  stake. 

In  this  happy  frame  of  mind,  I  fell  to  reading 
the  letters  with  avidity,  and  with  the  god-like  de 
termination  to  reverence  Providence  and  to  do 
justice. — Fiat  justitia  ruat  cselum! 


120  THE    MONIKINS. 

The  first  epistle  was  from  the  agent  of  the  prin 
cipal  West-India  estate.  He  acquainted  me  with 
the  fact  that  all  hopes  from  the  expected  crop  were 
destroyed  by  a  hurricane,  and  he  begged  that  I 
would  furnish  the  means  necessary  to  carry  on  the 
affairs  of  the  plantation,  until  another  season  might 
repair  the  loss.  Priding  myself  on  punctuality  as 
a  man  of  business,  before  I  broke  another  seal,  a 
letter  was  written  to  a  banker  in  London,  request 
ing  him  to  supply  the  necessary  credits,  and  to  no 
tify  the  agent  in  the  West-Indies  of  the  circum 
stance.  As  he  was  a  member  of  parliament,  I 
seized  the  occasion,  also,  to  press  upon  him  the 
necessity  of  government's  introducing  some  early 
measure  for  the  protection  of  the  sugar-growers,  a 
most  meritorious  class  of  his  fellow-subjects,  and 
one  whose  exposures  and  actual  losses  called  loud 
ly  for  relief  of  this  nature.  As  I  closed  the  letter, 
I  could  not  help  dwelling,  with  complacency,  on 
the  zeal  and  promptitude  with  which  I  had  acted — 
the  certain  proof  of  the  usefulness  of  the  theory  of 
investments. 

The  second  communication  was  from  the  man 
ager  of  an  East-India  property,  that  "very  happily 
came  with  its  offering  to  fill  the  vacuum  left  by  the 
failure  of  the  crops  just  mentioned.  Sugar  was 
likely  to  be  a  drug  in  the  peninsula,  and  my  cor 
respondent  stated  that  the  cost  of  transportation 
being  so  much  greater  than  from  the  other  colonies, 
this  advantage  would  be  entirely  lost,  unless  go 
vernment  did  something  to  restore  the  East-Indian 
to  his  natural  equality.  I  enclosed  this  letter  in  one 
to  my  Lord  Say  and  Do,  who  was  in  the  ministry, 
asking  of  him,  in  the  most  laconic  and  pointed  terms, 
whether  it  were  possible  for  the  empire  to  prosper, 
when  one  portion  of  it  was  left  in  possession  of 
exclusive  advantages,  to  the  prejudice  of  all  the 


THE   MONIKINS.  121 

others  ?  As  this  question  was  put  with  a  truly  Brit 
ish  spirit,  I  hope  it  had  some  tendency  to  open  the 
eyes  of  his  Majesty's  ministers;  for  much  was 
shortly  after  said,  both  in  the  journals  and  in  Par 
liament,  on  the  necessity  of  protecting  our  East- 
Indian  fellow-subjects,  and  of  doing  natural  justice 
by  establishing  the  national  prosperity  on  the  only 
firm  basis,  that  of  Free  Trade. 

The  next  letter  was  from  the  acting  partner  of 
a  large  manufacturing  house,  to  which  I  had  ad 
vanced  quite  half  the  capital,  in  order  to  enter  into 
a  sympathetic  communion  with  the  cotton-spinners. 
The  writer  complained  heavily  of  the  import  duty 
on  the  raw  article ;  made  some  poignant  allusions 
to  the  increasing  competition  on  the  continent  and 
in  America ;  and  pretty  clearly  intimated  that  the 
Lord  of  the  manor  of  Householder  ought  to  make 
himself  felt  by  the  administration,  in  a  question  of 
so  much  magnitude  to  the  nation.  On  this  hint  I 
spake.  I  sat  down,  on  the  spot,  and  wrote  a  long 
letter  to  my  friend,  Lord  Pledge,  in  which  I  pointed 
out  to  him  the  danger  that  threatened  our  political 
economy ;  that  we  were  imitating  the  false  theories 
of  the  Americans,  (the  countrymen  of  Captain 
Poke) ;  that  trade  was  clearly  never  so  prosperous 
as  when  it  was  the  most  successful ;  that  success 
depended  on  effort,  and  effort  was  the  most  efficient 
when  the  least  encumbered ;  and,  in  short,  that,  as 
it  was  self-evident  a  man  would  jump  farther  with 
out  being  in  foot-irons,  or  strike  harder  without  be 
ing  handcuffed,  so  it  was  equally  apparent,  that  a 
merchant  would  make  a  better  bargain  for  himself, 
when  he  could  have  things  all  his  own  way,  than 
when  his  enterprise  and  industry  were  shackled 
by  the  impertinent  and  selfish  interposition  of  the 
interests  of  others.  In  conclusion,  there  was  an 
eloquent  description  of  the  demoralizing  conse- 

VOL.  I.  11 


122  THE    MONIKINS. 

quences  of  smuggling,  and  a  pungent  attack  on  the 
tendencies  of  taxation  in  general.  I  have  written 
and  said  some  good  things  in  my  time,  as  several 
of  my  dependants  have  sworn  to  me,  in  a  way  that 
even  my  natural  modesty  cannot  repudiate ;  but  I 
shall  be  excused  for  the  weakness,  if  I  now  add, 
that  I  believe  this  letter  to  Lord  Pledge  contained 
some  as  clever  points,  as  any  thing  I  remember, 
in  their  way;  the  last  paragraph,  in  particular, 
being  positively  the  neatest  and  the  best  turned 
moral  I  ever  produced. 

Letter  fourth  was  from  the  steward  of  the  House 
holder  estate.  He  spoke  of  the  difficulty  of  getting 
the  rents ;  a  difficulty  that  he  imputed  altogether  to 
the  low  price  of  corn.  He  said  that  it  would  soon 
be  necessary  to  re-let  certain  farms;  and  he  feared 
that  the  unthinking  cry  against  the  corn-laws  would 
affect  the  conditions.  It  was  incumbent  on  the  land 
ed  interest  to  keep  an  eye  on  the  popular  tendencies, 
as  respected  this  subject ;  for  any  material  variation 
from  the  present  system  would  lower  the  rental  of 
all  the  grain-growing  counties  in  England,  thirty 
per  cent.,  at  least,  at  a  blow.  He  concluded  with 
a  very  hard  rap  at  the  Agrarians,  a  party  that  was 
just  coming  a  little  into  notice  in  Great  Britain, 
and,  by  a  very  ingenious  turn,  in  which  he  com 
pletely  demonstrated  that  the  protection  of  the 
landlord  and  the  support  of  the  Protestant  religion 
were  indissolubly  connected.  There  was  also  a 
vigorous  appeal  to  the  common  sense  of  the  subject, 
on  the  danger  to  be  apprehended  by  the  people 
from  themselves ;  which  ne  treated  in  a  way  that, 
a  little  more  expanded,  would  have  made  a  delight 
ful  homily  on  the  rights  of  man. 

I  believe  I  meditated  on  the  contents  of  this  letter 
fully  an  hour.  Its  writer,  John  Dobbs,  was  as  worthy 
and  upright  a  fellow  as  ever  breathed;  and  I  could 


THE   MONIKINS.  123 

not  but  admire  the  surprising  knowledge  of  men 
which  shone  through  every  line  he  had  indite  . 
Something  must  be  done,  it  was  clear;  and,  at 
length,  I  determined  to  take  the  bull  by  the  horns, 
and  to  address  Mr.  Huskisson  at  once,  as  the 
shortest  way  of  coming  at  the  evil.  He  was  the 
political  sponsor  for  all  the  new  notions  on  the 
subject  of  our  foreign  mercantile  policy ;  and,  by 
laying  before  him,  in  a  strong  point  of  view,  the 
fatal  consequences  of  carrying  his  system  to  ex 
tremes,  I  hoped  something  might  yet  be  done  for 
the  owners  of  real  estate,  the  bones  and  sinews  of 
the  land. 

I  shall  just  add,  in  this  place,  that  Mr.  Huskis 
son  sent  me  a  very  polite  and  a  very  statesman-like 
reply,  in  which  he  disclaimed  any  intention  of  med 
dling  improperly  with  British  interests,  in  any  way ; 
that  taxation  was  necessary  to  our  system,  and  of 
course  every  nation  was  the  best  judge  of  its  own 
means  and  resources ;  but  that  he  merely  aimed  at 
the  establishment  of  just  and  generous  principles, 
by  which  nations  that  had  no  occasion  for  British 
measures  should  not  unhandsomely  resort  to  them ; 
and  that  certain  eternal  truths  should  stand,  like  so 
many  well-constructed  tubs,  each  on  its  own  bot 
tom.  I  must  say  I  was  pleased  with  this  attention 
from  a  man  generally  reputed  as  clever  as  Mr. 
Huskisson,  and  from  that  time  I  became  a  convert 
to  most  of  his  opinions. 

The  next  communication  that  I  opened,  was 
from  the  overseer  of  the  estate  in  Louisiana,  who 
informed  me  that  the  general  aspect  of  things  in 
that  quarter  of  the  world  was  favorable,  but  the 
small-pox  had  found  its  way  among  the  negroes, 
and  the  business  of  the  plantation  would  imme 
diately  require  the  services  of  fifteen  able-bodied 
men,  with  the  usual  sprinkling  of  women  and  chil- 


124  THE    MONIKINS. 

dren.  He  added,  that  the  laws  of  America  prohi 
bited  the  further  importation  of  blacks  from  any 
country  without  the  limits  of  the  Union,  but  that 
there  was  a  very  pretty  and  profitable  internal 
trade  in  the  article ;  and  that  the  supply  might  be 
obtained,  in  sufficient  season,  either  from  the  Caro- 
linas,  Virginia,  or  Maryland.  He  admitted,  how 
ever,  that  there  was  some  choice  between  the 
different  stocks  of  these  several  states,  and  that  some 
discretion  might  be  necessary  in  making  the  selec 
tion.  The  negro  of  the  Carolinas  was  the  most 
used  to  the  cotton-field,  had  less  occasion  for 
clothes,  and  it  had  been  proved  by  experiment, 
could  be  fattened  on  red  herrings;  while,  on  the 
other  hand,  the  negro  farther  north  had  the  highest 
instinct,  could  sometimes  reason,  and  that  he  had 
even  been  known  to  preach,  when  he  had  got 
as  high  up  as  Philadelphia.  He  much  affected, 
also,  bacon  and  poultry.  Perhaps  it  might  be  well 
to  purchase  samples  of  lots  from  all  the  different 
stocks  in  market. 

In  reply,  I  assented  to  the  latter  idea,  suggesting 
the  expediency  of  getting  one  or  two  of  the  higher 
castes  from  the  north  ;  I  had  no  objection  to 
preaching,  provided  they  preached  work;  but  I 
cautioned  the  overseer  particularly  against  schis 
matics.  Preaching,  in  the  abstract,  could  do  no 
harm ;  all  depending  on  doctrine. 

This  advice  was  given  as  the  result  of  much 
earnest  observation.  Those  European  states  that 
had  the  most  obstinately  resisted  'the  introduction 
of  letters,  I  had  recently  had  occasion  to  remark, 
were  changing  their  systems,  and  were  about  to 
act  on  the  principle  of  causing  "  fire  to  fight  fire." 
They  were  fast  having  recourse  to  school-books, 
using  no  other  precaution  than  the  simple  expedient 
of  writing  them  themselves.  By  this  ingenious 


MOMKINS.  125 

invention,  poison  was  converted  into  food,  and 
truths  of  all  classes  were  at  once  put  above  the 
dangers  of  disputations  and  heresies. 

Having  disposed  of  the  Louisianian,  I  very 
gladly  turned  to  the  opening  of  the  sixth  seal.  The 
letter  was  from  the  efficient  trustee  of  a  company 
to  whose  funds  I  had  largely  contributed,  by  way 
of  making  an  investment  in  charity.  It  had  struck 
me,  a  short  time  previously  to  quitting  home,  that 
interests  positive  as  most  of  those  I  had  embarked 
in,  had  a  tendency  to  render  the  spirit  worldly;  and 
I  saw  no  other  check  to  such  an  evil,  than  by  seek 
ing  for  some  association  with  the  saints,  in  order  to 
set  up  a  balance  against  the  dangerous  propensity. 
A  lucky  occasion  offered  through  the  wants  of  the 
Philo-african-anti-compulsion-free-labour  Society, 
whose  meritorious  efforts  were  about  to  cease  for 
want  of  the  great  charity-power — gold.  A  draft 
for  five  thousand  pounds  had  obtained  me  the  honor 
of  being  advertised  as  a  shareholder  and  a  patron ; 
and,  I  know  not  why ! — but  it  certainly  caused  me 
to  inquire  into  the  results  with  far  more  interest  than 
I  had  ever  before  felt  in  any  similar  institution. 
Perhaps  this  benevolent  anxiety  arose  from  that 
principle  in  our  nature,  which  induces  us  to  look 
after  whatever  has  been  our  own,  as  long  as  any 
part  of  it  can  be  seen. 

The  principal  trustee  of  the  Philo-african-anti- 
compulsion-free-labour  Society  now  wrote  to  state 
that  some  of  the  speculations  which  had  gone  pan 
passu  with  the  charity,  had  been  successful,  and 
that  the  shareholders  were,  by  the  fundamental 
provisions  of  the  association,  entitled  to  a  dividend, 
but — how  often  that  awkward  word  stands  between 
the  cup  and  the  lip ! — but,  that  he  was  of  opinion  the 
establishment  of  a  new  factory,  near  a  point  where 
the  slavers  most  resorted,  and  where  gold-dust  and 
11* 


126  THE    MONIRINS. 

palm-oil  were  also  to  be  had  in  the  greatest  quan 
tities,  and  consequently  at  the  lowest  prices,  would 
equally  benefit  trade  and  philanthropy ;  that,  by  a 
judicious  application  of  our  means,  these  two  inte 
rests  might  be  made  to  see-saw  very  cleverly,  as 
cause  and  effect,  effect  and  cause ;  that  the  black 
man  would  be  spared  an  incalculable  amount  of 
misery,  the  white  man  a  grievous  burthen  of  sin, 
and  the  particular  agents  of  so  manifest  a  good 
might  quite  reasonably  calculate  on  making,  at  the 
very  least,  forty  per  cent,  per  annum  on  their 
money,  besides  having  all  their  souls  saved,  in  the 
bargain.  Of  course  I  assented  to  a  proposition  so 
reasonable  in  itself,  and  which  offered  benefits  so 
plausible ! 

The  next  epistle  was  from  the  head  of  a  great 
commercial  house  in  Spain,  in  which  I  had  taken 
some  shares,  and  whose  interests  had  been  tempo 
rarily  deranged  by  the  throes  of  the  people  in  their 
efforts  to  obtain  redress  for  real  or  imaginary 
wrongs.  My  correspondent  showed  a  proper  indig 
nation  on  the  occasion,  and  \vas  not  sparing  in  his 
language  whenever  he  was  called  to  speak  of 
popular  tumults.  "  What  do  the  wretches  wish  !" 
he  asked,  with  much  point — "  Our  lives,  as  well  as 
our  property?  Ah!  my  dear  sir,  this  bitter  fact 
impresses  us  all  (by  us,  he  meant  the  mercantile 
interests)  with  the  importance  of  strong  executives. 
Where  should  we  have  been,  but  for  the  bayonets 
of  the  king  ?  or  what  would  have  become  of  our 
altars,  our  firesides  and  our  persons,  had  it  not 
pleased  God  to  grant  us  a  .monarch  indomitable  in 
will,  brave  in  spirit,  and  quick  in  action  ?"  I  wrote 
a  proper  answer  of  congratulation,  and  turned  to 
the  next  epistle,  which  was  the  last  of  the  communi 
cations. 

The  eighth  letter  was  from  the  acting  head  of 


THE    MOfflKItfS.  127 

another  commercial  house,  in  New-York,  United 
States  of  America,  or  the  country  of  Captain  Poke, 
where  it  would  seem  the  President,  by  a  decided 
exercise  of  his  authority,  had  drawn  upon  him 
self  the  execrations  of  a  large  portion  of  the 
commercial  interests  of  the  country;  since  the 
effect  of  the  measure,  right  or  wrong,  as  a  legiti 
mate  consequence  or  not,  by  hook  or  by  crook,  had 
been  to  render  money  scarce.  -There  is  no  man  so 
keen  in  his  philippics,  so  acute  in  discovering  and 
so  prompt  in  analyzing  facts,  so  animated  in  his  phi 
losophy,  and  so  eloquent  in  his  complaints,  as  your 
debtor,  when  money  unexpectedly  gets  to  be  scarce ! 
Credit,  comfort,  bones,  sinews,  marrow  and  all,  ap 
pear  to  depend  on  the  result ;  and  it  is  no  wonder 
that,  under  so  lively  impressions,  men  who  have 
hitherto  been  content  to  jog  on  in  the  regular  and 
quiet  habits  of  barter,  should  suddenly  start  up  into 
logicians,  politicians,  ay,  or  even  into  magicians.  Such 
had  been  the  case  with  my  present  correspondent, 
who  seemed  to  know  and  to  care  as  little  in  gene 
ral  of  the  polity  of  his  own  country  as  if  he  had 
never  been  in  it,  but  who  now  was  ready  to  split 
hairs  with  a  metaphysician,  and  who  could  not 
have  written  more  complacently  of  the  constitution 
if  he  had  even  read  it.  My  limits  will  not  allow 
an  insertion  of  the  whola  letter,  but  one  or  two  of 
its  sentences  shall  be  given.  "  Is  it  tolerable,  my 
dear  sir,"  he  went  on  to  say,  "  that  the  executive 
of  any  country,  I  will  not  say  merely  of  our  own, 
should  possess,  or  exercise,  even  admitting  that  he 
does  possess  them,  such  unheard  of  powers  ?  Our 
condition  is  worse  than  that  of  the  Mussulmans, 
who,  in  losing  their  money,  usually  lose  their  heads, 
and  are  left  in  a  happy  insensibility  to  their  suffer 
ings  :  but,  alas !  there  is  an  end  of  the  much  boast 
ed  liberty  of  America !  The  executive  has  swallow- 


128  THE    MON1KINS. 

ed  up  all  the  other  branches  of  the  government,  and 
the  next  thing  will  be  to  swallow  up  us.  Our  altars, 
our  firesides,  and  our  persons  will  shortly  be  in 
vaded  ;  and  I  much  fear  that  my  next  letter  will  be 
received  by  you,  long  after  all  correspondence  shall 
be  prohibited,  every  means  of  communication  cut 
off,  and  we  ourselves  shall  be  precluded  from  writ 
ing,  by  being  chained,  like  beasts  of  burthen,  to  the 
car  of  a  bloody  tyrant."  Then  followed  as  pretty 
a  string  of  epithets  as  I  remember  to  have  heard 
from  the  mouth  of  the  veriest  shrew  at  Billings 
gate. 

I  could  not  but  admire  the  virtue  of  the  "  so 
cial-stake  system,"  which  kept  men  so  sensibly  alive 
to  all  their  rights,  let  them  live  where  they  would, 
or  under  what  form  of  government,  which  was  so 
admirably  suited  to  sustain  truth  and  render  us  just. 
In  reply,  I  sent  back  epithet  for  epithet,  echoed  all 
the  groans  of  my  correspondent,  and  railed  as  be 
came  a  man  who  was  connected  with  a  losing 
concern. 

This  closed  my  correspondence  for  the  present, 
and  I  arose  wearied  with  my  labors,  and  yet  great 
ly  rejoicing  in  their  fruits.  It  was  now  late,  but 
excitement  prevented  sleep ;  and  before  retiring  for 
the  night,  I  could  not  help  looking  in  upon  my  guests. 
Captain  Poke  had  gone  to  a  room  in  another  part 
of  the  hotel,  but  the  family  of  amiable  strangers 
were  fast  asleep  in  the  ante-chamber.  They  had 
supped  heartily,  as  I  was  assured,  and  were  now 
indulging  in  a  happy  but  temporary  oblivion — to 
use  an  approved  expression — of  all  their  wrongs. 
Satisfied  with  this  state  of  things,  I  now  sought  my 
own  pillow,  or,  according  to  a  favorite  phrase  of 
Mr.  Noah  Poke,  I  also  "  turned  in." 


THE    MONIKINS.  129 


CHAPTER  IX. 

The  commencement  of  wonders,  which  are  the  more  extra 
ordinary  on  account  of  their  truth. 

I  DARE  say  my  head  had  been  on  the  pillow  fully 
an  hour,  before  sleep  closed  my  eyes.  During  this 
time,  I  had  abundant  occasion  to  understand  the 
activity  of  what  are  called  the  "  busy  thoughts." — 
Mine  were  feverish,  glowing,  and  restless.  They 
wandered  over  a  wide  field; — one  that  included 
Anna,  with  her  beauty,  her  mild  truth,  her  woman 
ly  softness  and  her  womanly  cruelty ;  Captain  Poke 
and  his  peculiar  opinions ;  the  amiable  family  of 
quadrupeds  and  their  wounded  sensibilities ;  the  ex 
cellencies  of  the  social-stake  system ;  and,  in  short, 
most  of  that  which  I  had  seen  and  heard  during 
the  last  four-and-twenty  hours.  When  sleep  did 
tardily  arrive,  it  overtook  me  at  the  very  moment 
that  I  had  inwardly  vowed  to  forget  my  heartless 
mistress,  and  to  devote  the  remainder  of  my  life  to 
the  promulgation  of  the  doctrine  of  the  expansive- 
super-human-generalized-affection-principle,  to  the 
utter  exclusion  of  all  narrow  and  selfish  views,  and 
in  which  I  resolved  to  associate  myself  with  Mr. 
Poke,  as  with  one  who  had  seen  a  great  deal  of 
this  earth  and  its  inhabitants,  without  narrowing 
down  his  sympathies  in  favor  of  any  one  place  or 
person,  in  particular,  Stunin'tun  and  himself  very 
properly  excepted. 

It  was  broad  day-light  when  I  awoke  on  the  fol 
lowing  morning.  My  spirits  were  calmed  by  rest, 
and  my  nerves  had  been  soothed  by  the  balmy 
freshness  of  the  atmosphere.  It  appeared  that  my 
valet  had  entered  and  admitted  the  morning  air, 


130  THE   MONIKINS. 

and  then  had  withdrawn,  as  usual,  to  await  the  signal 
of  the  bell,  before  he  presumed  to  reappear.    I  lay 
many  minutes,  in  delicious  repose,  enjoying  the  pe 
riodical  return  to  life  and  reason,  bringing  with  it, 
the  pleasures  of  thought  and  its  ten  thousand  agree 
able  associations.  The  delightful  reverie  into  which 
I  was  insensibly  dropping,  was,  however,  ere  long 
arrested  by  low,  murmuring,  and,  as  I  thought, 
plaintive  voices,  at  no  great  distance  from  my  own 
bed.  Seating  myself  erect,!  listened  intently,  and  with 
a  good  deal  of  surprise ;  for  il  was  not  easy  to  ima 
gine  whence  sounds,  so  unusual  for  that  place  and 
hour,  could  proceed.     The  discourse  was  earnest, 
and  even  animated ;  but  it  was  carried  on  in  so  low 
a  tone  that  it  would  have  been  utterly  inaudible,  but 
for  the  deep  quiet  of  the  hotel.  Occasionally  a  word 
reached  my  ear,  and  I  was  completely  at  fault  in  en 
deavoring  to  ascertain  even  the  language.    That  it 
was  in  neither  of  the  five  great  European  tongues,  I 
was  certain,  for  all  these  1  either  spoke  or  read;  and 
there  were  particular  sounds  and  inflexions  that  in 
duced  me  to  think  that  it  savored  of  the  most  an 
cient  of  the  two  classics.    It  is  true  that  the  proso 
dy  of  these  dialects,  at  the  same  time  that  is  is  a 
shibboleth  of  learning,  is  a  disputed  point,  the  very 
sounds  of  the  vowels  even  being  a  matter  of  na 
tional   convention; — the  Latin  word  dux,  for  in 
stance,  becoming  ducks  in  England,  dooks  in  Italy, 
and  dukes  in  France :  yet  there  is  a  'je  ne  sais  quoij 
a  delicacy  in  the  auricular  taste  of  a  true  scholar, 
that  will  rarely  lead  him  astray,  when  his  ears  are 
greeted  with  words  that  have  been  used  by  Demos 
thenes  or  Cicero.*     In  the  present  instance,  I  dis 
tinctly  heard  the  word,  my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton, 

*  Or  Chichero,  or  Kickero,  whichever  may  happen  to  suit 
the  prejudices  of  the  reader. 


THE    MONIKINS.  131 

which  I  made  sure  was  a  verb  in  the  dual  number 
and  second  person,  of  a  Greek  root,  but  of  a  signi 
fication  that  I  could  not,  on  the  instant,  master,  but 
which,  beyond  a  question,  every  scholar  will  recog 
nize  as  having  a  strong  analogy  to  a  well-known 
line  in  Homer.  If  I  was  puzzled  with  the  sylla 
bles  that  accidentally  reached  me,  I  was  no  less 
perplexed  with  the  intonations  of  the  voices  of  the 
different  speakers.  While  it  was  easy  to  under 
stand  they  were  of  the  two  sexes,  they  had  no 
direct  affinity  to  the  mumbling  sibilations  of  the 
English,  the  vehement  monotony  of  the  French, 
the  gagging  sonorousness  of  the  Spaniards,  the 
noisy  melody  of  the  Italians,  the  ear-splitting  oc 
taves  of  the  Germans,  or  the  undulating,  head- 
over-heels  enunciation  of  the  countrymen  of  my 
particular  acquaintance,  Captain  Noah  Poke.  Of 
all  the  living  languages  of  which  I  had  any  know 
ledge,  the  resemblance  was  nearer  to  the  Danish 
and  Swedish,  than  to  any  other;  but  I  much 
doubted,  at  the  time  I  first  heard  the  syllables,  and 
still  question,  if  there  is  exactly  such  a  word  as 
my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton  to  be  found  in  even 
either  of  those  tongues.  I  could  no  longer  sup 
port  the  suspense.  The  classical  and  learned 
doubts  that  beset  me,  grew  intensely  painful;  and, 
arising  with  the  greatest  caution,  in  order  not  to 
alarm  the  speakers,  I  prepared  to  put  an  end  to 
them  all,  by  the  simple  and  natural  process  of 
actual  observation. 

The  voices  came  from  the  ante-chamber,  the 
door  of  which  was  slightly  open.  Throwing  on  a 
dressing-gown,  and  thrusting  my  feet  into  slippers, 
I  moved  on  tiptoe  to  the  aperture,  and  placed  my 
eye  in  such  a  situation  as  enabled  me  to  command 
a  view  of  the  persons  of  those  who  were  still 
earnestly  talking  in  the  adjoining  room.  All  sur- 


132  THE    MONIKINS. 

prise  vanished  the  moment  I  found  that  the  four 
monkeys  were  grouped  in  a  corner  of  the  apart 
ment,  where  they  were  carrying  on  a  very  ani 
mated  dialogue,  the  two  oldest  of  the  party  (a  male 
and  a  female)  being  the  principal  speakers.  It  was 
not  to  be  expected  that  even  a  graduate  of  Oxford, 
although  belonging  to  a  sect  so  proverbial  for 
classical  lore,  that  many  of  them  knew  nothing 
else,  could,  at  the  first  hearing,  decide  upon  the 
analogies  and  character  of  a  tongue  that  is  so  little 
cultivated  even  in  that  ancient  seat  of  learning. 
Although  I  had  now  certainly  a  direct  clue  to  the 
root  of  the  dialect  of  the  speakers,  I  found  it  quite 
impossible  to  get  any  useful  acquaintance  with  the 
general  drift  of  what  was  passing  among  them. 
As  they  were  my  guests,  however,  and  might  pos 
sibly  be  in  want  of  some  of  the  conveniences  that 
were  necessary  to  their  habits,  or  might  even  be 
suffering  under  still  graver  embarrassments,  I 
conceived  it  to  be  a  duty  to  waive  the  ordinary 
usages  of  society,  and  at  once  offer  whatever 
it  was  in  my  power  to  bestow,  at  the  risk  of  inter 
rupting  concerns  that  they  might  possibly  wish  to 
consider  private.  Using  the  precaution,  there 
fore,  to  make  a  little  noise,  as  the  best  means  of 
announcing  my  approach,  the  door  was  gently 
opened,  and  I  presented  myself  to  view.  At  first, 
I  was  a  little  at  a  loss  in  what  manner  to  address 
the  strangers;  but,  believing  that  a  people  who 
spoke  a  language  so  difficult  of  utterance  and  so 
rich  as  that  I  had  just  heard,  like  those  who  use 
dialects  derived  from  the  Slavonian  root,  were 
most  probably  the  masters  of  all  others;  and  remem 
bering,  moreover,  that  French  was  a  medium  of 
thought  among  all  polite  people,  I  determined  to 
have  recourse  to  that  tongue. 

"Messieurs  et  mesdames,"  I  said,  inclining  my 


THE   MONIKINS.  133 

body  in  salutation,  "mille  pardons  pour  cette  intrusion 
pen  convenable" — but,  as  I  am  writing  in  English, 
it  may  be  well  to  translate  the  speeches  as  I  pro 
ceed  ;  although  I  abandon  with  regret  the  advantage 
of  going  through  them  literally,  and  in  the  appro 
priate  dialect  in  which  they  were  originally  spoken. 

"  Gentlemen  and  ladies,"  I  said,  inclining  my  body 
in  salutation,  "  I  ask  a  thousand  pardons  for  this 
inopportune  intrusion  on  your  retirement;  but  over 
hearing  a  few  of  what  I  much  fear  are  but  too 
well  grounded  complaints,  touching  the  false  posi 
tion  in  which  you  are  placed,  as  the  occupant  of 
this  apartment,  and  in  that  light  your  host,  I  have 
ventured  to  approach,  with  no  other  desire  than 
the  wish  that  you  would  make  me  the  repository 
of  all  your  griefs,  in  order,  if  possible,  that  they 
may  be  repaired  as  soon  as  circumstances  shall  in 
any  manner  allow." 

The  strangers  were  very  naturally  a  little  star 
tled  at  my  unexpected  appearance,  and  at  the 
substance  of  what  I  had  just  said.  I  observed 
that  the  two  ladies  were  apparently,  in  some  slight 
degree,  even  distressed,  the  younger  turning  her 
head  on  one  side  in  maiden  modesty,  while  the 
elder,  a  duenna-sort-of-looking  person,  dropped 
her  eyes  to  the  floor,  but  succeeded  in  better 
maintaining  her  self-possession  and  gravity.  The 
eldest  of  the  two  gentlemen  approached  me  with 
dignified  composure,  after  a  moment  of  hesitation; 
and,  returning  my  salute,  by  waving  his  tail  with 
singular  grace  and  decorum,  he  answered  as  fol 
lows. — I  may  as  well  state  in  this  place,  that  he 
spoke  the  French  about  as  well  as  an  Englishman 
who  has  lived  long  enough  on  the  continent  to 
fancy  he  can  travel  in  the  provinces  without  being 
detected  for  a  foreigner.  Au  reste,  his  accent  was 
slightly  Russian,  and  his  enunciation  whistling  and 

VOL.  I.  12 


134  THE    MONIKINS. 

harmonious.  The  females,  especially  in  some  of  the 
lower  keys  of  their  voices,  made  sounds  not  unlike 
the  sighing  tones  of  the  Eolian  harp.  It  was  real 
ly  a  pleasure  to  hear  them  ;  but  I  have  often  had 
occasion  to  remark  that,  in  every  country  but  one 
which  I  do  not  care  to  name,  the  language,  when 
uttered  by  the  softer  sex,  takes  new  charms,  and 
is  rendered  more  delightful  to  the  ear. 

"  Sir,"  said  the  stranger,  when  he  had  done 
waving  his  tail,  "I  should  do  great  injustice  to  my 
feelings,  and  to  the  monikin  character  in  general, 
were  I  to  neglect  expressing  some  small  portion 
of  the  gratitude  I  feel  on  the  present  occasion. 
Destitute,  houseless,  insulted  wanderers  and  cap 
tives,  fortune  has  at  length  shed  a  ray  of  happiness 
on  our  miserable  condition,  and  hope  begins  to 
shine  through  the  cloud  of  our  distress,  like  a  pass 
ing  gleam  of  the  sun.  From  my  very  tail,  sir,  in 
my  own  name  and  in  that  of  this  excellent  and 
most  prudent  matron,  and  in  those  of  these  two 
noble  and  youthful  lovers,  I  thank  you — Yes !  hon 
orable  and  humane  being  of  the  genus  homo,  spe 
cies  Anglicus,  we  all  return  our  most  tail-felt 
acknowledgments  of  your  goodness  !" 

Here  the  whole  party  gracefully  bent  the  orna 
ments  in  question  over  their  heads,  touching  their 
receding  foreheads  with  the  several  tips,  and 
bowed. — I  would  have  given  ten  thousand  pounds, 
at  that  moment,  to  have  had  a  good  investment  in 
tails,  in  order  to  emulate  their  form  of  courtesy ; 
but  naked,  shorn  and  destitute  as  I  was,  with  a 
feeling  of  humility,  I  was  obliged  to  put  my  head 
a  little  on  one  shoulder,  and  give  the  ordinary 
English  bob,  in  return  for  their  more  elaborate 
politeness. 

"If  I  were  merely  to  say,  sir,"  I  continued, 
when  the  opening  salutations  were  thus  properly 


THE    MONI1UNS.  135 

exchanged,  "  that  I  am  charmed  at  this  accidental 
interview,  the  word  would  prove  very  insufficient 
to  express  my  delight.  Consider  this  hotel  as  your 
own ;  its  domestics  as  your  domestics ;  its  stores 
of  condiments  as  your  stores  of  condiments,  and 
its  nominal  tenant  as  your  most  humble  servant 
and  friend.  I  have  been  greatly  shocked  at  the 
indignities  to  which  you  have  hitherto  been  ex 
posed,  and  now  promise  you  liberty,  kindness,  and 
all  those  attentions  to  which,  it  is  very  apparent, 
you  are  fully  entitled  by  your  birth,  breeding,  and 
the  delicacy  of  your  sentiments.  I  congratulate 
myself  a  thousand  times  for  having  been  so  for 
tunate  as  to  make  your  acquaintance.  My  great 
est  desire  has  always  been  to  stimulate  the  sym 
pathies  ;  but,  until  to-day,  various  accidents  have 
confined  the  cultivation  of  this  heaven-born  pro 
perty,  in  a  great  measure,  to  my  own  species;  I 
now  look  forward,  however,  to  a  delicious  career 
of  new-born  interests  in  the  whole  of  the  animal 
creation,  I  need  scarcely  say,  in  that  of  quadrupeds 
of  your  family  in  particular." 

"  Whether  we  belong  to  the  class  of  quadrupeds 
or  not,  is  a  question  that  has  a  good  deal  embar 
rassed  our  own  savans"  returned  the  stranger. 
"  There  is  an  ambiguity  in  our  physical  action  that 
renders  the  point  a  little  questionable  ;  and  there 
fore,  I  think,  the  higher  castes  of  our  natural  phi 
losophers  rather  prefer  classing  the  entire  monikin 
species,  with  all  its  varieties,  as  caudae-jactans, 
or  tail-wavers ;  adopting  the  term  from  the  nobler 
part  of  the  animal  formation.  Is  not  this  the  better 
opinion  at  home,  my  Lord  Chatterino  ?"  he  asked, 
turning  to  the  youth,  who  stood  respectfully  at  his 
side. 

"  Such,  I  believe,  my  dear  Doctor,  was  the  last 
classification  sanctioned  by  the  academy,"  the 


136  THE   MONIKIKS. 

young  noble  replied,  with  a  readiness  that  proved 
him  to  be  both  well-informed  and  intelligent,  and, 
at  the  same  time,  with  a  reserve  of  manner  that 
did  equal  credit  to  his  modesty  and  breeding.  "  The 
question  of  whether  we  are  or  are  not  bipeds  has 
greatly  agitated  the  schools  for  more  than  three 
centuries." 

"The  use  of  this  gentleman's  name,"  I  hastily 
rejoined,  "  my  dear  sir,  reminds  me  that  we  are 
but  half  acquainted  with  each  other.  Permit  me  to 
waive  ceremony,  and  to  announce  myself,  at  once, 
as  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  Baronet,  of  Householder- 
Hall,  in  the  Kingdom  of  Great  Britain,  a  poor  ad 
mirer  of  excellence  wherever  it  is  to  be  found,  or 
under  whatever  form,  and  a  devotee  of  the  system 
of  the  *  social-stake.* " 

"  I  am  happy  to  be  admitted  to  the  honor  of  this 
formal  introduction,  Sir  John.  .In  return,  I  beg  you 
will  suffer  me  to  say  that  this  young  nobleman  is,  in 
our  own  dialect,  No.  6,  purple ;  or,  to  translate  the  ap 
pellation,  my  Lord  Chatterino.  This  young  lady  is 
No.  4,  violet,  or,  my  Lady  Chatterissa.  This  excel 
lent  and  prudent  matron  is  No.  4,626,243,  russet,  or, 
Mistress  Vigilance  Lynx,  to  translate  her  appella 
tion  also  into  the  English  tongue ;  and  that  I  am 
No.  22,817,  brown-study-color,  or,  Dr.  Reasono, 
to  give  you  a  literal  signification  of  my  name, — a 
poor  disciple  of  the  philosophers  of  our  race,  an 
LL.  D.,  and  a  F.  U.  D.  G.  E.,  the  travelling  tutor  of 
this  heir  of  one  of  the  most  illustrious  and  the  most 
ancient  houses  of  the  island  of  Leaphigh,  in  the 
monikin  section  of  mortality." 

"  Every  syllable,  learned  Dr.  Reasono,  that  falls 
from  your  revered  lips,  only  whets  curiosity,  and 
adds  fuel  to  the  flame  of  desire,  tempting  me  to  in 
quire  further  into  your  private  history,  your  future 
intentions,  the  polity  of  your  species,  and  all  those 
interesting  topics  that  will  readily  suggest  them- 


THE   MONIKINS.  137 

selves  to  one  of  your  quick  apprehension  and  ex 
tensive  acquirements.  I  dread  being  thought  indis 
creet  ;  and  yet,  putting  yourself  in  my  position,  I 
trust  you  will  overlook  a  wish  so  natural  .and  ar 
dent." 

x  "  Apology  is  unnecessary,  Sir  John,  and  nothing 
would  afford  me  greater  satisfaction  than  to  an 
swer  any  and  every  inquiry  you  may  be  disposed 
to  make." 

"  Then,  sir,  to  cut  short  all  useless  circumlocu 
tion,  suffer  me  to  ask  at  once  an  explanation  of  the 
system  of  enumeration,  by  which  you  indicate  in 
dividuals? — You  are  called  No.  22,817,  brown- 
study-color " 

"  Or,  Dr.  Reasono.  As  you  are  an  Englishman, 
you  will  perhaps  understand  me  better,  if  I  refer  to 
a  recent  practice  of  the  new  London  police.  You 
may  have  observed  that  the  men  wear  letters  in 
red  or  white,  and  numbers  on  the  capes  of  their 
coats.  By  the  letters,  the  passenger  can  refer  to 
the  company  of  the  officer,  while  the  number  indi 
cates  the  individual.  Now,  the  idea  of  this  im 
provement  came,  I  make  no  doubt,  from  our  sys 
tem,  under  which  society  is  divided  into  castes,  for 
the  sake  of  harmony  and  subordination,  and  these 
castes  are  designated  by  colors  and  shades  of  colors, 
that  are  significant  of  their  stations  and  pursuits — 
the  individual,  as  in  the  new  police,  being  known 
by  the  number.  Our  own  language  being  exceed 
ingly  sententious,  is  capable  of  expressing  the  most 
elaborate  of  these  combinations  in  a  very  few 
sounds.  I  should  add  that  there  is  no  difference  in 
the  manner  of  distinguishing  the  sexes,  with  the 
exception  that  each  is  numbered  apart,  and  each 
has  a  counterpart-color  to  that  of  the  same  caste 
in  the  other  sex.  Thus,  purple  and  violet  are  both 
noble,  the  former  being  masculine  and  the  latter 
12* 

1  -  I 


138  THE    MONIKINS. 

feminine,  and  russet  being  the  counterpart  of 
brown-study-color." 

"  And — excuse  my  natural  ardor  to  know  more 
— and  do  you  bear  these  numbers  and  colors  mark 
ed  on  your  attire,  in  your  own  region  ?" 

"As  for  attire,  Sir  John,  the  monikins  are  too 
highly  improved,  mentally  and  physically,  to  need 
any.  It  is  known  that  in  all  cases,  extremes  meet. 
The  savage  is  nearer  to  nature  than  the  merely 
civilized  being,  and  the  creature  that  has  passed 
the  mistifications  of  a  middle  state  of  improvement, 
finds  himself  again  approaching  nearer  to  the  habits, 
the  wishes,  and  the  opinions  of  our  common  mo 
ther.  As  the  real  gentleman  is  more  simple  in 
manners  than  the  distant  imitator  of  his  deport 
ment  ;  as  fashions  and  habits  are  always  more  ex 
aggerated  in  provincial  towns  than  in  polished 
capitals ;  or,  as  the  profound  philosopher  has  less 
pretensions  than  the  tyro,  so  does  our  common 
genus,  as  it  draws  nearer  to  the  consummation  of 
its  destiny,  and  its  highest  attainments,  learn  to  re 
ject  the  most  valued  usages  of  the  middle  condi 
tion,  and  to  return,  with  ardor,  towards  nature,  as 
to  a  first  love.  It  is  on  this  principle,  sir,  that  the 
monikin  family  never  wears  clothes." 

"  I  could  not  but  perceive  that  the  ladies  have 
manifested  some  embarrassment  ever  since  I  en 
tered, — is  it  possible,  that  their  delicacy  has  taken 
the  alarm,  at  the  state  of  rny  toilet  ?" 

"  At  the  toilet  itself,  Sir  John,  rather  than  at  its 
state,  if  I  must  speak  plainly.  The  female  mind, 
trained  as  it  is  with  us,  from  infancy  upward,  in 
the  habits  and  usages  of  nature,  is  shocked  by  any 
departure  from  her  rules.  You  will  know  how  to 
make  allowances  for  the  squeamishness  of  the  sex, 
for  I  believe  it  is  much  alike,  in  this -particular,  let 
it  come  from  what  quarter  of  the  earth  it  may." 


THE   MONIKINS.  139 

"  I  can  only  excuse  the  seeming  want  of  polite 
ness  by  my  ignorance,  Dr.  Reasono.  Before  I  ask 
another  question,  the  oversight  shall  be  repaired.  I 
must  retire  into  my  own  chamber  for  an  instant, 
gentlemen  and  ladies,  and  I  beg  you  will  find  such 
sources  of  amusement  as  first  offer,  until  I  can  re 
turn.  There  are  nuts,  I  believe,  in  this  closet ;  su 
gar  is  usually  kept  on  that  table,  and  perhaps  the 
ladies  might  find  some  relaxation  by  exercising 
themselves  on  the  chairs.  In  a  single  moment  I 
shall  be  with  you  again." 

Hereupon,  I  withdrew  into  my  bed-chamber,  and 
began  to  lay  aside  the  dressing-gown,  as  well  as 
my  shirt.  Remembering,  however,  that  I  was  but 
too  liable  to  colds  in  the  head,  I  returned  to  ask 
Dr.  Reasono  to  step  in  where  I  was  for  an  instant. 
On  mentioning  the  difficulty,  this  excellent  person 
assumed  the  office  of  preparing  his  female  friends 
to  overlook  the  slight  innovation  of  my  still  wear 
ing  the  night-cap  and  slippers. 

"  The  ladies  would  think  nothing  of  it,"  the  phi 
losopher  good-humoredly  remarked,  by  way  of 
lessening  my  regrets  at  having  wounded  their  sen 
sibilities,  "  were  you  even  to  appear  in  a  military 
cloak  and  Hessian  boots,  provided,  it  was  not 
thought  that  you  were  of  their  acquaintance,  and 
in  their  immediate  society.  I  think  you  must  have 
often  remarked  among  the  sex  of  your  own  spe 
cies,  who  are  frequently  quite  indifferent  to  nudities 
(their  prejudices  running  counter  to  ours,)  that  ap 
pear  in  the  streets,  but  which  would  cause  them 
instantly  to  run  out  of  the  room,  when  exhibited  in 
the  person  of  an  acquaintance ;  these  conventional 
asides  being  tolerated  everywhere,  by  a  judicious 
concession  of  punctilios  that  might  otherwise  be 
come  insupportable." 


140  THB   MONIILINS. 

"  The  distinction  is  too  reasonable  to  require  an 
other  word  of  explanation,  dear  sir*  Now,  let  us 
rejoin  the  ladies,  since  I  am,  at  length,  in  some  de 
gree,  fit  to  be  seen." 

I  was  rewarded  for  this  bit  of  delicate  attention, 
by  an  approving  smile  from  the  lovely  Chatterissa, 
and  good  Mistress  Lynx  no  longer  kept  her  eyes 
riveted  on  the  floor,  but  bent  them  on  me,  with 
looks  of  admiration  and  gratitude. 

"  Now  that  this  little  contre-tems  is  no  longer  an 
obstacle,"  I  resumed,  "  permit  me  to  continue  those 
inquiries  which  you  have  hitherto  answered  with 
so  much  amenity,  and  so  satisfactorily.  As  you 
have  no  clothes,  in  what  manner  is  the  parallel  be 
tween  your  usage  and  that  of  the  new  London  po 
lice  practically  completed  ?" 

"  Although  we  have  no  clothes,  Nature,  whose 
laws  are  never  violated  with  impunity,  but  who  is 
as  beneficent  as  she  is  absolute,  has  furnished  us 
with  a  downy  covering  to  supply  their  places, 
wherever  clothes  are  needed  for  comfort.  We  have 
coats  that  defy  fashions,  require  no  tailors,  and 
never  lose  their  naps.  But  it  would  be  inconveni 
ent  to  be  totally  clad  in  this  manner ;  and,  there 
fore,  the  palms  of  our  hands  are,  as  you  see,  un 
gloved  ;  the  portions  of  the  frame  on  which  we  seat 
ourselves  are  left  uncovered,  most  probably  lest 
some  inconvenience  should  arise  from  taking  acci 
dental  and  unfavorable  positions.  This  is  the  part 
of  the  monikin  frame  the  best  adapted  for  receiving 
paint,  and  the  numbers  of  which  I  have  spoken  are 
periodically  renewed  there,  at  public  offices  appoint 
ed  for  that  purpose.  Our  characters  are  so  minute  as 
to  escape  the  human  eye ;  but  by  using  that  opera- 
glass,  I  make  no  doubt  that  you  may  still  see  some 
of  my  own  enregistration,  although,  alas  !  unusual 
friction,  great  misery,  and,  I  may  say,  unmerited 


THE   MONIKWS.  141 

wrongs,  have  nearly  un-monikined  me  in  this,  as 
well  as  in  various  other,  particulars." 

As  Dr.  Reasono  had  the  complaisance  to  turn 
round,  and  to  use  his  tail  like  the  index  of  a  black 
board,  by  aid  of  the  glass,  I  very  distinctly  traced 
the  figures  to  which  he  alluded.  Instead  of  being 
in  paint,  however,  as  he  had  given  me  reason  to 
anticipate,  they  seemed  to  be  branded,  or  burnt 
in,  indelibly,  as  we  commonly  mark  horses,  thieves, 
and  negroes.  On  mentioning  the  fact  to  the  phi 
losopher,  it  was  explained  with  his  usual  facility 
and  politeness. 

"  You  are  quite  right,  sir,"  he  said ;  "  the  omis 
sion  of  paint  was  to  prevent  tautology,  an  offence 
against  the  simplicity  of  the  monikin  dialect,  as 
well  as  against  monikin  taste,  that  would  have 
been  sufficient,  under  our  opinions,  even  to  over 
turn  the  government." 

"  Tautology !" 

"  Tautology,  Sir  John ;  on  examining  the  back 
ground  of  the  picture,  you  will  perceive  that  it  is 
already  of  a  dusky,  sombre  hue ;  now,  this  being 
of  a  meditative  and  grave  character,  has  been 
denominated  by  our  academy  the  '  brown-study- 
color;'  and  it  would  clearly  have  been  superer 
ogatory  to  lay  the  same  tint  upon  it.  No,  sir ;  we 
avoid  repetitions  even  in  our  prayers,  deeming 
them  to  be  so  many  proofs  of  an  illogical  and  of 
an  anti-consecutive  mind." 

"The  system  is  admirable,  and  I  see  new  beau 
ties  at  each  moment.  You  enjoy  the  advantage, 
for  instance,  under  this  mode  of  enumeration,  of 
knowing  your  acquaintances  from  behind,  quite  as 
well  as  if  you  met  them  face  to  face !" 

"  The  suggestion  is  ingenious,  showing  an  active 
and  an  observant  mind ;  but  it  does  not  quite  reach 
the  motive  of  the  politico-numerical-identity-sys- 


142  THE    MONIKINS. 

tern  of  which  we  are  speaking.  The  objects  of 
this  arrangement  are  altogether  of  a  higher  and 
more  useful  nature ;  nor  do  we  usually  recognize 
our  friends  by  their  countenances,  which  at  the 
best  are  no  more  than  so  many  false  signals,  but 
by  their  tails." 

"  This  is  admirable  !  What  a  facility  you  pos 
sess  for  recognizing  an  acquaintance,  who  may 
happen  to  be  up  a  tree  !  But  may  I  presume  to 
inquire,  Dr.  Reasono,  what  are  the  most  approved 
of  the  advantages  of  the  politico-numerical-identity- 
system?  For  impatience  is  devouring  my  vitals." 

"  They  are  connected  with  the  interests  of  go 
vernment.  You  know,  sir,  that  society  is  estab 
lished  for  the  purposes  of  governments,  and  govern 
ments,  themselves,  mainly  to  facilitate  contributions 
and  taxations.  Now,  by  the  numerical  system, 
we  have  every  opportunity  of  including  the  whole 
monikin  race  in  the  collections,  as  they  are  pe 
riodically  checked  off  by  their  numbers.  The 
idea  was  a  happy  thought  of  an  eminent  statician 
of  ours,  who  gained  great  credit  at  court  by  the 
invention,  and,  in  fact,  who  was  admitted  to  the 
academy  in  consequence  of  its  ingenuity." 

"  Still  it  must  be  admitted,  my  dear  Doctor," 
put  in  Lord  Chatterino,  always  with  the  modesty, 
and  perhaps  I  might  add,  with  the  generosity  of 
youth,  "  that  there  are  some  among  us  who  deny 
that  society  was  made  for  governments,  and  who 
maintain  that  governments  were  made  for  society; 
or,  in  other  words,  for  monikins." 

"Mere  theorists,  my  goo<^  Lord;  and  their 
opinions,  even  if  true,  are  never  practised  on. 
Practice  is  every  thing  in  political  matters ;  and 
theories  are  of  no  use,  except  as  they  confirm 
practice." 

"Both  theory  and  practice  are  perfect,"  I  cried; 


THE   MONIKINS.  143 

"and  I  make  no  doubt  that  the  classification  into  co 
lors,  or  castes,  enables  the  authorities  to  commence 
the  imposts  with  the  richest,  or  the  *  purples.' " 

"  Sir,  monikin  prudence  never  lays  the  founda 
tion-stone  at  the  summit ;  it  seeks  the  base  of  the 
edifice;  and  as  contributions  are  the  walls  of 
society,  we  commence  with  the  bottom.  When 
you  shall  know  us  better,  Sir  John  Goldencalf, 
you  will  begin  to  comprehend  the  beauty  and 
benevolence  of  the  entire  monikin  economy." 

I  now  adverted  to  the  frequent  use  of  this  word 
"monikin;"  and,  admitting  my  ignorance,  desired 
an  explanation  of  the  term,  as  well  as  -a  more 
general  insight  into  the  origin,  history,  hopes,  and 
polity  of  the  interesting  strangers ;  if  they  can  be 
so  called  who  were  already  so  well  known  to  me. 
Dr.  Reasono  admitted  that  the  request  was  natural 
and  was  entitled  to  respect;  but  he  delicately  sug 
gested  the  necessity  of  sustaining  the  animal  func 
tions  by  nutriment,  intimating  that  the  ladies  had 
supped  but  in  an  indifferent  way  the  evening 
before,  and  acknowledging  that,  philosopher  as  he 
was,  he  should  go  through  the  desired  explanations 
after  improving  the  slight  acquaintance  he  had 
already  made  with  certain  condiments  in  one  of 
the  armoires,  with  far  more  zeal  and  point,  than 
could  possibly  be  done  in  the  present  state  of  his 
appetite.  The  suggestion  was  so  very  plausible 
that  there  was  no  resisting  it;  and,  suppressing 
my  curiosity  as  well  as  I  could,  the  bell  was  rung, 
I  retired  to  my  bed-chamber  to  resume  so  much 
of  my  attire  as  was  necessary  to  the  semi-civili 
zation  of  man,  and  then  the  necessary  orders  were 
given  to  the  domestics,  who,  by  the  way,  were 
suffered  to  remain  under  the  influence  of  those 
ordinary  and  vulgar  prejudices  that  are  pretty 
generally  entertained  by  the  human,  against  the 
monikin  family. 


144  THE    MOJUK1NS. 

Previously  to  separating  from  my  new  friend 
Dr.  Reasono,  however,  1  took  him  aside,  and 
stated  that  I  had  an  acquaintance  in  the  hotel,  a 
person  of  singular  philosophy,  after  the  human 
fashion,  and  a  great  traveller ;  and  that  I  desired 
.  permission  to  let  him  into  the  secret  of  our  intended 
»  lecture  on  the  monikin  economy,  and  to  bring 
*  him  with  me  as  an  auditor.  To  this  request,  No. 
22,81-7,  brown-study-color,  or  Dr.  Reasono,  gave 
a  very  cordial  assent;  hinting  delicately,  at  the 
same  time,  his  expectation  that  this  new  auditor, 
who,  of  course,  was  no  other  than  Captain  Noah 
Poke,  would  not  deem  it  disparaging  to  his  man 
hood,  to  consult  the  sensibilities  of  the  ladies,  by 
appearing  in  the  garments  of  that  only  decent  and 
respectable  tailor  and  draper,  nature.  To  this 
suggestion  I  gave  a  ready  approval ;  when  each 
went  his  way,  after  the  usual  salutations  of  bowing 
and  tail-waving,  with  a  mutual  promise  of  being 
punctual  to  the  appointment. 


CHAPTER  X. 

A  great  deal  of  negotiation,  in  which  human  shrewdness  is 
completely  shamed,  and  human  ingenuity  is  shown  to  be 
of  a  very  secondary  quality. 

MR.  POKE  listened  to  my  account  of  all  that  had 
passed,  with  a  very  sedate  gravity.  He  informed 
me  that  he  had  witnessed  so  much  ingenuity  among 
the  seals,  and  had  known  so  many  brutes  that 
seemed  to  have  the  sagacity  of  men,  and  so  many 
men  who  appeared  to  have  the  stupidity  of 
brutes,  that  he  had  no  difficulty  whatever  in  be- 


'  •• ":-  'i'5 

THE    AtONIKINS.  145 

Heving  every  word  I  told  him.  He  expressed  his 
satisfaction,  too,  at  the  prospect  of  hearing  a  lec 
ture  on  natural  philosophy  and  political  economy 
from  the  lips  of  a  monkey;  although  he  took  occa 
sion  to  intimate  that  no  desire  to  learn  anything 
lay  at  the  bottom  of  his  compliance ;  for,  in  his 
country,  these  matters  were  very  generally  studied 
in  the  district  schools,  the  very  children  who  ran 
about  the  streets  of  *  Stunin'tun*  usually  knowing 
more  than  most  of  the  old  people  in  foreign  parts. 
"  Still  a  monkey  might  have  some  new  ideas ;  and, 
for  his  part,  he  was  willing  to  hear  what  every 
one  had  to  say;  for,  if  a  man  did'nt  put  in  a  word 
for  himself,  in  this  world,  he  might  be  certain  no 
one  else  would  take  the  pains  to  speak  for  him." 
But  when  I  came  to  mention  the  details  of  the 
programme  of  the  forthcoming  interview,  and 
stated  that  it  was  expected  the  audience  would 
wear  their  own  skins,  out  of  respect  to  the  ladies, 
I  greatly  feared  that  my  friend  would  have  so  far 
excited  himself  as  to  go  into  fits.  The  rough  old 
sealer  swore  some  terrible  oaths,  protesting  "  that 
he  would  not  make  a  monkey  of  .himself,  by  ap 
pearing  in  this  garb,  for  all  the  monikin  philoso 
phers,  or  high-born  females,  that  could  be  stowed 
in  a  ship's  hold ;  that  he  was  very  liable  to  take 
cold ;  that  he  once  knew  a  man  who  undertook  to 
play  beast  in  this-  manner,  and  the  first  thing  the 
poor  devil  knew,  he  had  great  claws  and  a  tail 
sprouting  out  of  him ;  a  circumstance  that  he  had 
always  attributed  to  a  just  judgment  for  striving 
to  make  himself  more  than  Providence  had  intend 
ed  him  for;  that,  provided  a  man's  ears  were 
naked,  he  could  hear  just  as  well  as  if  his  whole 
body  was  naked ;  that  he  did  jiot  complain  of  the 
monkeys  going  in  their  skins,  and  that  they  ought, 
in  reason,  not  to  meddle  with  his  clothes ;  that  he 
VOL.  I.  13 


146  THE   MOMKINS. 

should  be  scratching  himself  the  whole  time,  and 
thinking  what  a  miserable  figure  he  cut ;  that  he 
would  have  no  place  to  keep  his  tobacco;  that  he 
was  apt  to  be  deaf  when  he  was  cold ;  that  he 

would  be  d d  if  he  did  any  such  thing ;  that 

human  natur'  and  monkey  natur'  were  not  the  same, 
and  it  was  not  to  be  expected  that  men  and  mon 
keys  should  follow  exactly  the  same  fashions;  that 
the  meeting  would  have  the  appearance  of  a  box 
ing-match,  instead  of  a  philosophical  lecture ;  that 
he  never  heard  of  such  a  thing  at  Stunin'tun ;  that 
he  should  feel  sneaking  at  seeing  his  own  shins  in 
the  presence  of  ladies ;  that  a  ship  always  made 
better  weather  under  some  canvas,  than  under 
bare  poles ;  that  he  might  possibly  be  brought  to 
his  shirt  and  pantaloons,  but  as  for  giving  up  these, 
he  would  as  soon  think  of  cutting  the  sheet-anchor 
off  his  bows,  with  the  vessel  driving  on  a  lee-shore; 
that  flesh  and  blood  were  flesh  and  blood,  and  they 
liked  their  comfort;  that  he  should  think  the  whole 
time  he  was  about  to  go  in  a  swimming,  and 
should  be  looking  about  for  a  good  place  to  dive;" 
together  with  a  great  many  more  similar  objec 
tions,  that  have  escaped  me  in  the  multitude  of 
things  of  greater  interest  which  have  since  occu 
pied  my  time.  I  have  frequently  had  occasion  to 
observe,  that,  when  a  man  has  one  good,  solid 
reason  for  his  decision,  it  is  no  easy  matter  to 
shake  it;  but,  that  he  who  has  a  great  many, 
usually  finds  them  of  far  less  account  in  the 
struggle  of  opinions.  Such  proved  to  be  the  fact 
with  Captain  Poke  on  the  present  occasion.  I  suc 
ceeded  in  stripping  him  of  his  garments,  one  by 
one,  until  I  got  him  reduced  to  the  shirt,  where, 
like  a  stout  ship  that  is  easily  brought  to  her 
bearings  by  the  breeze,  he  *  stuck  and  hung'  in 
a  manner  to  manifest  it  would  require  a  heavy 
strain  to  bring  him  down  any  lower.  A  lucky 


THE    MONIKINS.  147 

thought  relieved  us  all  from  the  dilemma.  There 
were  a  couple  of  good  large  bison-skins  among 
my  effects,  and  on  suggesting  to  Dr.  Reasono  the 
expediency  of  encasing  Captain  Poke  in  the  folds 
of  one  of  them,  the  philosopher  cheerfully  assented, 
observing  that  any  object  of  a  natural  and  simple 
formation  was  agreeable  to  the  monikin  senses  ; 
their  objections  were  merely  to  the  deformities  of 
art,  which  they  deemed  to  be  so  many  offences 
against  Providence.  On  this  explanation,  I  ven 
tured  to  hint  that,  being  still  in  the  infancy  of  the 
new  civilization,  it  would  be  very  agreeable  to  my 
ancient  habits,  could  I  be  permitted  to  use  one  of 
the  skins,  also,  while  Mr.  Poke  occupied  the  other. 
Not  the  slightest  objection  was  raised  to  the  pro 
posal,  and  measures  were  immediately  taken  to 
prepare  us  to  appear  in  good  company.  Soon 
after  I  received  from  Dr.  Reasono  a  protocol  of 
the  conditions  that  were  to  regulate  the  approach 
ing  interview.  This  document  was  .written  in 
Latin,  out  of  respect  to  the  ancients,  and  as  I  after 
wards  understood,  it  was  drawn  up  .by  my  Lord 
Chatterino,  who  had  been  educated  for  the  diplo 
matic  career  at  home,  previously  to  the  accident 
which  had  thrown  him,  alas  !  into  human  hands.  I 
translate  it  freely,  for  the  benefit  of  the  ladies,  who 
usually  prefer  their  own  tongues  to  any  others. 

PROTOCOL  of  an  interview  that  is  to  take  place 
between  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  Bart.,  of  House 
holder  Hall,  in  the  kingdom  of  Great  Britain,  and 
No.  22,817,  brown-study-colour,  or  Socrates  Rea 
sono,  F.  U.  D.  G.  E.,  Professor  of  Probabilities  in 
the  University  of  Monikinia,  and  in  the  kingdom 
of  Leaphigh : 

The  contracting  parties  agree  as  follows,  viz. — 
ARTICLE  1.  That  there  shall  be  an  interview. 


148  THE    MONIKINS. 

ART.  2.  That  the  said  interview  shall  be  a  peace 
able  interview,  and  not  a  belligerent  interview. 

ART.  3.  That  the  said  interview  shall  be  logical, 
explanatory,  and  discursory. 

ART.  4.  That  during  said  interview,  Dr.  Rea- 
sono  shall  have  the  privilege  of  speaking  most, 
and  Sir  John  Goldencalf  'the  privilege  of  hearing 
most. 

ART.  5.  That  Sir  John  Goldencalf  shall  have 
the  privilege  of  asking  questions,  and  Dr.  Reasono 
the  privilege  of  answering  them. 

ART.  6.  That  a  due  regard  shall  be  had  to  both 
human  and  monikin  prejudices  and  sensibilities. 

ART.  7.  That  Dr.  Reasono,  and  any  monikins 
who  may  accompany  him,  shall  smooth  their  coats, 
and  otherwise  dispose  of  their  natural  vestments, 
in  a  way  that  shall  be  as.  agreeable  as  possible  to 
Sir  John  Goldencalf  and  his  friend. 

ART.  8.  That  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  and  any  man 
who  may  accompany  him,  shall  appear  in  bison- 
skins,  wearing  no  other  clothing,  in  order  to  render 
themselves  as  agreeable  as  possible  to  Dr.  Reasono 
and  his  friends. 

ART.  9.  That  the  conditions  of  this  protocol  shall 
be  respected. 

ART.  10.  That  any  doubtful  significations  in  this 
protocol  shall  be  interpreted,  as  near  as  may  be,  in 
favor  of  both  parties. 

ART.  11.  That  no  precedent  shall  be  established 
to  the  prejudice  of  either  the  human  or  the  moni 
kin  dialect,  by  the  adoption  of  the  Latin  language 
on  this  occasion. 

Delighted  with  this  proof  of  attention  on  the  part 
of  my  Lord  Chatterino,  I  immediately  left  a  card 
for  that  young  nobleman,  and  then  seriously  set 
about  preparing  myself,  with  an  increased  scrupu- 


THE   MONIK1NS.  149 

lousness,  for  the  fulfilment  of  the  smallest  condition 
of  the  compact.  Capt.  Poke  was  soon  ready,  and 
I  must  say  that  he  looked  more  like  a  quadruped 
on  its  hind  legs,  in  his  new  attire,  than  a  human 
being.  As  for  my  own  appearance,  I  trust  it  was 
such  as  became -my  station  and  character. 

At  the  appointed  time  all  the  parties  were  as 
sembled,  Lord  Chatterino  appearing  with  a  copy 
of  the  protocol  in  his  hand.  This  instrument  was 
formally  read,  by  the  young  peer,  in  a  very  cred 
itable  manner,  when  a  silence  ensued,  as  if  to  in 
vite  comment.  I  know  not  how  it  is,  but  I  never 
yet  heard  the  positive  stipulations  of  any  bargain, 
that  I  did  not  feel  a  propensity  to  look  out  for 
weak  places  in  them.  I  had  begun  to  see  that 
the  discussion  might  lead  to  argument,  argument 
to  comparisons  between  the  two  species,  and 
something  like  an  esprit  de  corps  was  stirring  within 
me.  It  now  struck  me  that  a  question  might  be 
fairly  raised  as  to  the  propriety  of  Dr.  Reasono's 
appearing  with  three  backers,  while  I  had  but  one. 
The  objection  was,  therefore,  urged  on  my  part,  I' 
hope  in  a  modest  and  conciliatory  manner.  In 
reply,  my  Lord  Chatterino  observed,  it  was  true 
the  protocol  spoke  in  general  terms  of  mutual  sup 
porters,  but  if — 

"  Sir  John  Goldencalf  would  be  at  the  trouble 
of  referring  to  the  instrument  itself,  he  would  see 
that  the  backers  of  Dr.  Reasono  were  mentioned  in 
the  plural  number,  while  that  of  Sir  John  himself 
was  alluded  to  only  in  the  singular  number." 

"  Perfectly  true,  my  Lord ;  but  you  will,  how 
ever,  permit  me  to  remark,  that  two  Monikins 
would  completely  fulfil  the  conditions  in  favor  of 
Dr.  Reasono,  while  he  appears  here  with  three ; 
there  certainly  must  be  some  limits  to  this  plurality, 
or  the  Doctor  would  have  a  right  to  attend  the 
13* 


150  THE   MONIK1NS. 

interview  accompanied  by  all  the  inhabitants  of 
Leaphigh." 

"  The  objection  is  highly  ingenious,  and  credit 
able  in  the  last  degree  to  the  diplomatic  abilities 
of  Sir  John  Goldencalf ;  but,  among  monikins,  two 
females  are  deemed  equal  to  only  one  male,  in  the 
eye  of  the  law.  Thus,  in  cases  which  require  two 
witnesses,  as  in  conveyances  of  real  estate,  two 
male  monikins  are  sufficient,  whereas  it  would 
be  necessary  to  have  four  female  signatures,  in 
order -to  give  the  instrument  validity.  In  the  legal 
sense,  therefore,  I  conceive  that  Dr.  Reasono  is 
attended  by  only  two  monikins." 

Captain  Poke  hereupon  observed  that  this  pro 
vision  in  the  law  of  Leaphigh  was  a  good  one;  for 
he  had  often  had  occasion  to  remark  that  women, 
quite  half  the  time,  did  not  know  what  they  were 
about;  and  he  thought,  in  general,  that  they  require 
more  ballast  than  men. 

"  This  reply  would  completely  cover  the  case, 
my  Lord,"  I  answered,  "  were  the  protocol  purely 
a  monikin  document,  and  this  assembly  purely  a 
monikin  assembly.  But  the  facts  are  notoriously 
otherwise.  The  document  is  drawn  up  in  a  com 
mon  vehicle  of  thought  among  scholars,  and  I 
gladly  seize  the  opportunity  to  add,  that  I  do  not 
remember  to  have  seen  a  better  specimen  of  mo 
dern  latinity." 

"  It  is  undeniable,  Sir  John,"  returned  Lord 
Chatterino,  waving  his  tail  in  acknowledgment  of 
the  compliment,  "that  the  protocol  itself,  is  in  a 
language  that  has  now  become  common  property ; 
but  the  mere  medium  of  thought,  on  such  occa 
sions,  is  of  no  great  moment,  provided  it  is  neu 
tral  as  respects  the  contracting  parties ;  moreover, 
in  this  particular  case,  article  llth  of  the  protocol 
contains  a  stipulation  that  no  legal  consequence* 


THE   MONIKINS.  151 

whatever  are  to  follow  the  use  of  the  Latin  lan 
guage;  a  stipulation  that  leaves  the  contracting  par 
ties  in  possession  of  their  original  rights.  Now, 
as  the  lecture  is  to  be  a  monikin  lecture,  given 
by  a  monikin  philosopher,  and  on  monikin  grounds, 
I  humbly  urge  that  it  is  proper  the  interview  should 
generally  be  conducted  on  monikin  principles." 

"  If  by  monikin  grounds,  is  meant  monikin 
ground,  (which  I  have  a  right  to  assume,  since 
the  greater  necessarily  includes  the  less,)  I  beg 
leave  to  remind  your  Lordship,  that  the  parties 
are,  at  this  moment,  in  a  neutral  country,  and 
that,  if  either  of  them  can  set  up  a  claim  of,  terri 
torial  jurisdiction,  or  the  rights  of  the  flag,  these 
claims  must  be  admitted  to  be  human,  since  the 
locataire  of  this  apartment  is  a  man,  in  control  of 
the  locus  in  quo,  and  pro  hac  vice,  the  suzerain." 

"  Your  ingenuity  has  greatly  exceeded  my  con 
struction,  Sir  John,  and  I  beg  leave  to  amend  my 
plea. — All  I  mean  is,  that  the  leading  consideration 
in  this  interview,  is  a  monikin  interest — that  we 
are  met  to  propound,  explain,  digest,  animadvert 
on,  and  embellish  a  monikin  theme — that  the 
accessory  must  be  secondary  to  the  principal — 
that  the  lesser  must  merge,  not  in  your  sense,  but 
in  my  sense,  in  the  greater—- and,  by  consequence, 
that " 

"You  will  accord  me  your  pardon,  my  dear 
Lord,  but  I  hold " 

"  Nay,  my  good  Sir  John,  I  trust  to  your  intel 
ligence  to  be  excused  if  I  say " 

"  One  word,  my  Lord  Chatterino,  I  pray  you, 
in  order  that " 

"A  thousand,  very  cheerfully,  Sir  John,  but " 

"My  Lord  Chatterino !" 

"Sir  John  Goldencalf!" 


152  THE   MONIKINS. 

Hereupon  we  both  began  talking  at  the  same 
time,  the  noble  young  monikin  gradually  nar 
rowing  down  the  direction  of  his  observations  to 
the  single  person  of  Mrs.  Vigilance  Lynx,  who,  I 
afterwards  had  occasion  to  know,  was  an  excel 
lent  listener ;  and  I,  in  my  turn,  after  wandering 
from  eye  to  eye,  settled  down  into  a  sort  of  ora 
tion  that  was  especially  addressed  to  the  under 
standing  of  Captain  Noah  Poke.  My  auditor 
contrived  to  get  one  ear  entirely  clear  of  'the 
bison's  skin,  and  nodded  approbation  of  what  fell 
from  me,  with  a  proper  degree  of  human  and 
clannish  spirit.  We  might  possibly  have  harangued 
in  this  desultory  manner,  to  the  present  time,  had 
not  the  amiable  Chatterissa  advanced,  and,  with 
the  tact  and  delicacy  which  distinguish  her  sex, 
by  placing  her  pretty  patte  on  the  mouth  'of  the 
young  nobleman,  she  effectually  checked  his  volu 
bility.  When  a  horse  is  running  away,  he  usually 
comes  to  a  dead  stop,  after  driving  through  lanes, 
and  gates,  and  turnpikes,  the  moment  he  finds 
himself  master  of  his  own  movements,  in  an  open 
field.  Thus,  in  my  own  case,  no  sooner  did  I  find 
myself  in  sole  possession  of  the  argument,  than  I 
brought  it  to  a  close.  Dr.  Reasono  improved  the 
pause,  to  introduce  a  proposition  that,  the  experi 
ment  already  made  by  myself  and  Lord  Chatterino 
being  evidently  a  failure,  he  and  Mr.  Poke  should 
retire  and  make  an  effort  to  agree  upon  an  en 
tirely  new  programme  of  the  proceedings.  This 
happy  thought  suddenly  restored  peace;  and,  while 
the  two  negotiators  were  absent,  I  improved  the 
opportunity  to  become  better  acquainted  with  the 
lovely  Chatterissa  and  her  female  Mentor.  Lord 
Chatterino,  who  possessed  all  the  graces  of  diplo 
macy,  who  could  turn  from  a  hot  and  angry  dis 
cussion,  on  the  instant,  to  the  most  bland  and  win- 


THE    MONIKINS.  153 

ning  courtesy,  was  foremost  in  promoting  my 
wishes,  inducing  his  charming  mistress  to  throw 
aside  the  reserve  of  a  short  acquaintance,  and  to 
enter,  at  once,  into  a  free  and  friendly  discourse. 
Some  time  elapsed  before  the  plenipotentiaries 
returned ;  for  it  appears  that,  owing  to  a  constitu 
tional  peculiarity,  or,  as  he  subsequently  explained 
it  himself,  a  *  Stunin'tun  principle/  Captain  Poke 
conceived  he  was  bound,  in  a  bargain,  to  dispute 
every  proposition  which  came  from  the  other  party.  • 
This  difficulty  would  probably  have  proved  insu 
perable,  had  not  Dr.  Reasono  luckily  bethought 
him  of  a  frank  and  liberal  proposal  to  leave  every 
other  article,  without  reserve,  to  the  sole  dictation 
of  his  colleague,  reserving  to  himself  the  same 
privilege  for  all  the  rest.  Noah,  after  being  well 
assured  that  the  philosopher  was  no  lawyer,  as 
sented  ;  and  the  affair,  once  begun  in  this  spirit 
of  concession,  was  soon  brought  to  a  close.  And 
here  I  would  recommend  this  happy  expedient  to 
all  negotiators  of  knotty  and  embarrassing  treaties, 
since  it  enables  each  party  to  gain  his  point,  and 
probably  leaves  as  few  openings  for  subsequent 
disputes,  as  any  other  mode  that  has  yet  been 
adopted.  The  new  instrument  ran  as  follows,  it 
having  been  written,  in  duplicate,  in  English  and  in 
Monikin.  It  will  be  seen  that  the  pertinacity  of 
one  of  the  negotiators  gave  it  very  much  the  cha 
racter  of  a  capitulation. 

PROTOCOL  of  an  interview,  &c.  &c.  &c. 

The  contracting  parties  agree  as  follows,  viz. — 

ARTICLE  1.  There  shall  be  an  interview. 

ART.  2.  Agreed;  provided  all  the  parties  can 
come  and  go  at  pleasure. 

ART.  3.  The  said  interview  shall  be  conducted, 
generally,  on  philosophical  and  liberal  principles. 


154  THE   MONIKINS. 

ART.  4.  Agreed;  provided  tobacco  may  be  used 
at  discretion. 

ART.  5.  That  either  party  shall  have  the  privi 
lege  of  propounding  questions,  and  either  party 
the  privilege  of  answering  them. 

ART.  6.  Agreed;  provided  no  one  need  listen, 
or  no  one  talk,  unless  so  disposed. 

ART.  7.  The  attire  of  all  present  shall  be  con 
formable  to  the  abstract  rules  of  propriety  and 
decorum. 

ART.  8.  Agreed ;  provided  the  bison-skins  may 
be  reefed,  from  time  to  time,  according  to  the 
state  of  the  weather. 

ART.  9.  The  provisions  of  this  protocol  shall  be 
rigidly  respected. 

ART.  10.  Agreed ;  provided  no  advantage  be 
taken  by  lawyers. 

Lord  Chatterino  and  myself  pounced  upon  the 
respective  documents  like  two  hawks,  eagerly 
looking  for  flaws,  or  the  means  of  maintaining  the 
opinions  we  had  before  advanced,  and  which  wre 
had  both  shown  so  much  cleverness  in  supporting. 

"  Why,  my  Lord,  there  is  no  provision  for  the 
appearance  of  any  Monikins  at  all  at  this  inter 
view  !" 

"  The  generality  of  the  terms  leaves  it  to  be 
inferred  that  all  may  come  and  go  who  may  be  so 
disposed." 

"  Your  pardon,  my  Lord ;  article  8  contains  a 
direct  allusion  to  bison-skins  in  the  plural,  arid 
under  circumstances  from  which  it  follows,  by  a 
just  deduction,  that  it  was  contemplated  that  more 
than  one  wearer  of  the  said  skins  should  be  present 
at  the  said  interview." 

"Perfectly  just,  Sir  John;  but  you  will  suffer 
me  to  observe  that  by  article  1,  it  is  conditioned 


THE   MON1KINS.  155 

that  there  shall  be  an  interview;  and  by  article  3, 
it  is  furthermore  agreed  that  the  said  interview 
shall  be  conducted  '  on  philosophical  and  liberal 
principles ;'  now,  it  need  scarcely  be  urged,  good 
Sir  John,  that  it  would  be  the  extreme  of  illiberality 
to  deny  to  one  party  any  privilege  that  was  pos 
sessed  by  the  other." 

"  Perfectly  just,  my  Lord,  were  this  an  affair 
of  mere  courtesy ;  but  legal  constructions  must  be 
made  on  legal  principles,  or  .else,  as  jurists  and 
diplomatists,  we  are  all  afloat  on  the  illimitable 
ocean  of  conjecture." 

"  And  yet  article  10  expressly  stipulates  that 
'no  advantage  shall  be  taken  by  lawyers.'  By 
considering  articles  3,  and  10,  profoundly  and  in 
conjunction,  we  learn  that  it  was  the  intention  of 
the  negotiators  to  spread  the  mantle  of  liberality, 
apart  from  all  the  subtilties  and  devices  of  mere 
legal  practitioners,  over  the  whole  proceedings. 
Permit  me,  in  corroboration  of  what  is  now  urged, 
to  appeal  to  the  voices  of  those  who.  framed  the 
very  conditions  about  which  we  are  now  arguing. 
Did  you,  sir,"  continued  my  Lord  Chatterino, 
turning  to  Captain  Poke,  with  emphasis  and  dig 
nity  ;  "  did  you,  sir,  when  you  drew  up  this  cele 
brated  article  10 — did  you  deem  that  you  were 
publishing  authority  of  which  the-  lawyers  could 
take  advantage  ?" 

A  deep  and  very  sonorous  "  No,"  was  the  ener 
getic  reply  of  Mr.  Poke. 

My  Lord  Chatterino,  then  turning,  with  equal 
grace,  to  the  Doctor,  first  diplomatically  waving 
his  tail  three  times,  continued : — 

"  And  you,  sir,  in  drawing  up  article  3 — did  you 
conceive  that  you  were  supporting  and  promul 
gating  illiberal  principles  ?" 

The  question  was  met  by  a  prompt  negative; 


166  THE    MONIKINS. 

when  the  young  noble  paused,  and  looked  at  me, 
like  one  who  had  completely  triumphed. 

"  Perfectly  eloquent,  completely  convincing,  irre 
futably  argumentative,  and  unanswerably  just,  my 
Lord,"  I  put  in ;  "  but  I  must  be  permitted  to  hint 
that  the  validity  of  all  laws  is  derived  from  the 
enactment :  now  the  enactment,  or,  in  the  case  of 
a  treaty,  the  virtue  of  the  stipulation,  is  not  derived 
from  the  intention  of  the  party  who  may  happen 
to  draw  up  a  law  or  a  clause,  but  from  the  assent 
of  the  legal  deputies:  In  the  present  instance,  there 
are  two  negotiators,  and  I  now  ask  permission  to 
address  a  few  questions  to  them,  reversing  the 
order  of  your  own  interrogatories;  and  the  result 
may  possibly  furnish  a  clue  to  the  quo  animo,  in  a 
new  light."  Addressing  the  philosopher,  I  conti 
nued — "Did  you,  sir,  in  assenting  to  article  10, 
imagine  that  you  were  defeating  justice,  counte 
nancing  oppression,  and  succouring  might  to  the 
injury  of  right?" 

The  answer  was  a  solemn,  and,  I  do  not  doubt, 
•a  very  conscientious,  "  No." 

"And  you,  sir,"  turning  to  Captain  Poke,  "did 
you,  in  assenting  to  article  3,  in  the  least  conceive 
that,  by  any  possibility,  the  foes  of  humanity  could 
torture  your  approbation  into  the  means  of  deter 
mining  that  the  bison-skin  wearers  were  not  to  be 
upon  a  perfect  footing  with  the  best  Monikins  of 
the  land?" 

"Blast  me,  if  I  did!" 

"  But,  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  the  Socratic  method 

of  reasoning " 

• "  Was  first  resorted  to  by  yourself,  my  Lord — " 

"  Nay,  good  Sir " 

"  Permit  me,  my  dear  Lord " 

"  Sir  John " 

"  My  Lord " 


THB    MOMKINS.  137 

Hereupon  the  gentle  Chatterissa  again  advanced, 
and  by  another  timely  interposition  of  her  graceful 
tact,  she  succeeded  in  preventing  the  reply.  The 
parallel  of  the  runaway  horse  was  acted  over, 
and  I  came  to  another  stand-still.  Lord  Chat- 
terino  now  gallantly  proposed  that  the  whole  affair 
should  be  referred,  with  full  powers,  to  the  ladies. 
I  could  not  refuse;  and  the  plenipotentiaries  retired, 
under  a  growling  accompaniment  of  Captain  Poke, 
who  pretty  plainly  declared  that  women  caused 
more  quarrels  than  all  the  rest  of  the  world,  and, 
from  the  little  he  had  seen,  he  expected  it  would 
turn  out  the  same  with  monikinas. 

The  female  sex  certainly  possess  a  facility  of 
composition  that  is  denied  our  portion  of  the  crea 
tion.  In  an  incredibly  short  time,  the  referees 
returned  with  the  following  programme. 

PROTOCOL  of  an  interview  between,  &c.  &c. 

The  contracting  parties  agree  as  follows,  viz. — 

ARTICLE  1.  There  shall  be  an  amicable,  logical, 
philosophical,  ethical,  liberal,  general,  and  contro 
versial  interview. 

ART.  2.  The  interview  shall  be  amicable 

ART.  3.  The  interview  shall  be  general. 

ART.  4.  The  interview  shall  be  logical. 

ART.  5.  The  interview  shall  be  ethical. 

ART.  6.  The  interview  shall  be  philosophical. 

ART.  7.  The  interview  shall  be  liberal. 

ART.  8.  The  interview  shall  be  controversial. 

ART.  9.  The  interview  shall  be  controversial, 
liberal,  philosophical,  ethical,  logical,  general,  and 
amicable. 

ART.  10.  The  interview  shall  be  as  particularly 
agreed  upon. 

VOL.  I.  14 


158  THE    MON1KINS. 

The  cat  does  not  leap  upon  the  mouse  with  more 
avidity  than  Lord  Chatterino  and  myself  pounced 
upon  the  third  protocol,  seeking  new  grounds  for 
the  argument  that  each  was  resolved  on. 

"Auguste !  cher  Augusts !"  exclaimed  the  lovely 
Chatterissa,  in  the  prettiest  Parisian  accent  I 
thought  I  had  ever  heard — "  Pour  moi !" 

"A  moi!  Monseigneur,"  I  put  in,  flourishing  my 
copy  of  the  protocol — I  was  checked  in  the  midst 
of  this  controversial  ardor,  by  a  tug  at  the  bison- 
skin  ;  when,  casting  a  look  behind  me,  I  saw  Cap 
tain  Poke  winking  and  making  other  signs  that  he 
wished  to  say  a  word  in  a  corner. 

"  I  think,  Sir  John,"  observed  the  worthy  sealer, 
"  if  we  ever  mean  to  let  this  bargain  come  to  a  catas 
trophe,  it  might  as  well  be  done  now.  The  females 
have  been  cunning,  but  the  deuce  is  in  it  if  we 
can't  weather  upon  two  women  before  the  matter 
is  well  over.  In  Stunin'tun,  when  it  is  thought 
best  to  accommodate  proposals,  why  we  object 
and  raise  a  breeze  in  the  beginning,  but  towards 
the  end  we  kinder  soften  and  mollify,  or  else  trade 
would  come  to  a  stand.  The  hardest  gale  must 
blow  its  pipe  out.  Trust  to  me  to  floor  the  best 
argument  the  best  monkey  of  them  all  can  agi 
tate  !" 

"  This  matter  is  getting  serious,  Noah,  and  I  am 
filled  with  an  esprit,  de  corps.  Do  you  not  begin 
yourself  to  feel  human?" 

"  Kinder ;  but  more  bisonish  than  any  thing 
else.  Let  them  go  on,  Sir  John ;  and,  when  the 
time  comes,  we  will  take  them  aback,  or  set  me 
down  as  a  pettifogger." 

The  Captain  winked  knowingly;  and  I  began  to 
see  that  there  was  some  sense  in  his  opinion.  On 
rejoining  our  friends,  or  allies,  I  scarce  know 
which  to  call  them,  I  found  that  the  amiable  Chat- 


THE    MONIKINS.  159 

terissa  had  equally  calmed  the  diplomatic  ardor  of 
her  lover,  again;  and  we  now  met  on  the  best  pos 
sible  terms.  The  protocol  was  accepted  by  accla 
mation  ;  and  preparations  were  instantly  com 
menced  for  the  lecture  of  Dr.  Reasono. 


CHAPTER  XL 

A  philosophy  that  is  bottomed  on  something  substantial — 
Some  reasons  plainly  presented,  and  cavilling  objections 
put  to  flight,  by  a  charge  of  logical  bayonets. 

DR.  REASONO  was  quite  as  reasonable,  in  the  per 
sonal  embellishments  of  his  lyceum,  as  any  public 
lecturer  I  remember  to  have  seen,  who  was  requir 
ed  to  execute  his  functions  in  the  presence  of  ladies. 
If  I  say  that  his  coat  had  been  brushed,  his  tail 
newly  curled,  and  that  his  air  was  a  little  more  than 
usually  "  solemnized,"  as  Captain  Poke  described 
it  in  a  decent  whisper,  I  believe  all  will  be  said 
that  is  either  necessary  or  true.  He  placed  him 
self  behind  a  footstool,  which  served  as  a  table, 
smoothed  its  covering  a  little  with  his  paws,  and 
at  once  proceeded  to  business.  It  may  be  well  to 
add  that  he  lectured  without  notes,  and,  as  the 
subject  did  not  immediately  call  for  experiments, 
without  any  apparatus. 

Waving  his  tail  towards  the  different  parts  of 
the  room  in  which  his  audience  were  seated,  the 
philosopher  commenced. 

"As  the  present  occasion,  my  hearers,"  he  said, 
4<  is  one  of  those  accidental  calls  upon  science,  to 
which  all  belonging  to  the  academies  are  liable, 
and  does  not  demand  more  than  the  heads  of  our 
thesis  to  be  explained,  I  shall  not  dig  into  the  roots 


160  THE    MONIKINS. 

of  the  subject,  but  limit  myself  to  such  general 
remarks  as  may  serve  to  furnish  the  outlines  of  our 
philosophy,  natural,  moral  and  political " 

"  How,  sir,"  I  cried,  "  have  you  a  political  as 
well  as  a  moral  philosophy  ?" 

"  Beyond  a  question ;  and  a  very  useful  philoso 
phy  it  is.  No  interests  require  more  philosophy 
than  those  connected  with  politics. — To  resume, 
our  philosophy,  natural,  moral  and  political,  reserv- 
th( 


ing  most  of  the  propositions,  demonstrations,  and 
corollaries,  for  greater  leisure,  and  a  more  ad 
vanced  state  of  information  in  the  class. — Pre 
scribing  to  myself  these  salutary  limits,  therefore,  I 
shall  begin  only  with  Nature. 

"  Nature  is  a  term  that  we  use  to  express  the 
pervading  and  governing  principle  of  created 
things.  It  is  known  both  as  a  generic  and  a  specific 
term,  signifying  in  the  former  character  the  ele 
ments  and  combinations  of  omnipotence,  as  applied 
to  matter  in  general,  and  in  the  latter,  its  particu 
lar  subdivisions,  in  connexion  with  matter  in  its 
infinite  varieties.  It  is  moreover  subdivided  into  its 
physical  and  moral  attributes,  which  admit  also 
of  the  two  grand  distinctions  just  named.  Thus, 
when  we  say  Nature,  in  the  abstract,  meaning 
physically,  we  would  be  understood  as  alluding  to 
those  general,  uniform,  absolute,  consistent,  and 
beautiful  laws,  which  control  and  render  harmo 
nious,  as  a  great  whole,  the  entire  action,  affini 
ties,  and  destinies  of  the  universe ;  and  when  we 
say  Nature  in  the  speciality,  we  would  be  under 
stood  to  speak  of  the  nature  of  a  rock,  of  a  tree, 
of  air,  fire,  water,  and  land.  Again ;  in  alluding 
to  a  moral  Nature  in  the  abstract,  we  mean  sin, 
and  its  weaknesses,  its  attractions,  its  deformities ; 
in  a  word,  its  totality ;  while,  on  the  other  hand, 
when  we  use  the  term,  in  this  sense,  under  the 


THE   MOfflKINS.  161 

limits  of  a  speciality,  we  confine  its  signification 
to  the  particular  shades  of  natural  qualities  that 
mark  the  precise  object  named.  Let  us  illustrate 
our  positions  by  a  few  brief  examples* 

"  When  we  say  '  O  Nature !  how  art  thou  glo 
rious,  sublime,  instructive!' — we  mean  that  her 
laws  emanate  from  a  power  of  infinite  intelligence 
and  perfection ;  and  when  we  say  *  O  Nature ! 
how  art  thou  frail,  vain  and  insufficient!'  we  mean 
that  she  is,  after  all,  but  a  secondary  quality,  infe 
rior  to  that  which  brought  her  into  existence,  for 
definite,  limited,  and,  doubtless,  useful  purposes. 
In  these  examples,  we  treat  the  principle  in  the 
abstract. 

"  The  examples  of  nature  in  the  speciality  will 
be  more  familiar,  and,  although  in  no  degree  more 
true,  will  be  better  understood  by  the  generality 
of  my  auditors.  Especial  nature,  in  the  physical 
signification,  is  apparent  to  the  senses,  and  is 
betrayed  in  the  outward  forms  of  things,  through 
their  force,  magnitude,  substance,  and  proportions ; 
and,  in  its  more  mysterious  properties,  to  examina 
tion,  by  their  laws,  harmony,  and  action.  Espe 
cial  moral  nature  is  denoted  in  the  different  pro 
pensities,  capacities  and  conduct  of  the  different 
classes  of  all  moral  beings.  In  this  latter  sense 
we  have  monikin  nature,  dog  nature,  horse  nature, 
hog  nature,  human  nature -" 

"  Permit  me,  Dr.  Reasono,"  I  interrupted,  "  to 
inquire  if,  by  this  classification,  you  intend  to  con 
vey  more  than  may  be  understood  by  the  accidental 
arrangement  of  your  examples  ?" 

"  Purely  the  latter,  I  do  assure  you,  Sir  John." 

"  And  do  you  admit  the  great  distinctions  of 
animal  and  vegetable  natures'?" 

"  Our  academies  are  divided  on  this  point.  One 
school  contends  that  all  living  nature  is  to  be  em- 
14* 


162  THE    MONIK1NS. 

braced  in  a  great  comprehensive  genus,  while 
another  admits  of  the  distinctions  you  have  named. 
I  am  of  the  latter  opinion,  inclining  to  the  belief 
that  Nature  herself  has  drawn  the  line  between 
the  two  classes,  by  bestowing  on  one  the  double 
gift  of  the  moral  and  physical  nature,  and  by  with 
holding  the  former  from  the  other.  The  existence 
of  the  moral  nature  is  denoted  by  the  presence  of 
the  will.  The  academy  of  Leaphigh  has  made  an 
elaborate  classification  of  all  the  known  animals, 
of  which  the  sponge  is  at  the  bottom  of  the  list, 
and  the  monikin  at  the  top." 

"  Sponges  are  commonly  uppermost,"  growled 
Noah. 

"  Sir,"  said  I,  with  a  disagreeable  rising  at  the 
throat,  "  am  I  to  understand  that  your  savans 
account  man  an  animal  in  a  middle  state  between 
a  sponge  and  a  monkey?" 

"  Really,  Sir  John,  this  warmth  is  quite  unsuited 
to  philosophical  discussion — if  you  continue  to 
indulge  in  it,  I  shall  find  myself  compelled  to 
postpone  the  lecture." 

At  this  rebuke  I  made  a  successful  effort  to 
restrain  myself,  although  my  esprit  de  corps  nearly 
choked  me.  Intimating,  as  well  as  I  could,  a 
change  of  purpose,  Dr.  Reasono,  who  had  stood 
suspended  over  his  table  with  an  air  of  doubt, 
waved  his  tail,  and  proceeded : — 

"  Sponges,  oysters,  crabs,  sturgeons,  clams,  toads, 
snakes,  lizards,  skunks,  opossums,  ant-eaters,  ba 
boons,  negroes,  wood-chucks,  lions,  esquimaux, 
sloths,  hogs,  hottentots,  ourang-outangs,  men  and 
monikins  are,  beyond  a  question,  all  animals.  The 
only  disputed  point  among  us  is,  whether  they  are 
all  of  the  same  genus,  forming  varieties  or  species, 
or  whether  they  are  to  be  divided  into  the  three 
great  families  of  the  improvabks.,  the  unimprvva- 


THE   MOiVlKINS.  163 

blest  and  the  relrogressives.  They  who  maintain 
that  we  form  but  one  great  family,  reason  by  cer 
tain  conspicuous  analogies,  that  serve  as  so  many 
links  to  unite  the  great  chain  of  the  animal  world. 
Taking  man  as  a  centre,  for  instance,  they  show 
that  this  creature  possesses,  in  common  with  every 
other  creature,  some  observable  property.  Thus, 
man  is,  in  one  particular,  like  a  sponge;  in  another, 
he  is  like  an  oyster;  a  hog  is  like  a  man;  the  skunk 
has  one  peculiarity  of  a  man ;  the  ourang-outang 
another ;  the  sloth  another " 

"King!" 

"  And  so  on,  to  the  end  of  the  chapter.  This 
school  of  philosophers,  while  it  has  been  very 
ingeniously  supported,  is  not,  however,  the  one 
most  in  favor,  just  at  this  moment,  in  the  academy 
of  Leaphigh " 

"  Just  at  this  moment,  Doctor !" 

"  Certainly,  sir.  Do  you  not  know  that  truths, 
physical  as  well  as  moral,  undergo  their  revolu 
tions,  the  same  as  all  created  nature?  The  acade 
my  has  paid  great  attention  to  this  subject ;  and 
it  "issues  annually  an  almanack,  in  which  the  dif 
ferent  phases,  the  revolutions,  the  periods,  the 
eclipses,  whether  partial  or  total,  the  distances 
from  the  centre  of  light,  the  apogee  and  perigee  of 
all  the  more  prominent  truths,  are  calculated,  with 
singular  accuracy;  and  by  the  aid  of  which  the 
cautious  are  enabled  to  keep  themselves,  as  near 
as  possible,  within  the  bounds  of  reason.  We 
deem  this  effort  of  the  monikin  mind  as  the  sub- 
limest  of  all  its  inventions,  and  as  furnishing  the 
strongest  known  evidence  of  its  near  approach  to 
the  consummation  of  our  earthly  destiny.  This 
is  not  the  place  to  dwell  on  that  particular  point 
of  our  philosophy,  however ;  and,  for  the  present, 
we  will  postpone  the  subject." 


164  THE   MONIKINS. 

"Yet  you  will  permit  me,  Dr.  Reasono,  in  virtue 
of  clause  1,  article  5,  protocol  No,  1,  (which  pro- 
toco/,  if  not  absolutely  adopted,  must  be  supposed 
to  contain  the  spirit  of  that  which  was,)  to  inquire 
whether  the  calculations  of  the  revolutions  of  truth, 
do  not  lead  to  dangerous  moral  extravagancies, 
ruinous  speculations  in  ideas,  and  serve  to  unsettle 
society  ?" 

The  philosopher  withdrew  a  moment  with  my 
Lord  Chatterino,  to  consult  whether  it  would  be 
prudent  to  admit  of  the  validity  of  protocol  No.  1, 
even  in  this  indirect  manner ;  whereupon  it  was  de 
cided  between  them,  that,  as  such  admission  would 
lay  open  all  the  vexatious  questions  that  had  just 
been  so  happily  disposed  of,  clause  1  of  article  5 
having  a  direct  connexion  with  clause  2 ;  clauses 
1  and  2  forming  the  whole  article ;  and  the  said 
article  5,  in  its  entirety,  forming  an  integral  por 
tion  of  the  whole  instrument ;  and  the  doctrine  of 
constructions  enjoining  that  instruments  are  to  be 
construed,  like  wills,  by  their  general,  and  not  by 
their  especial,  tendencies,  it  would  be  dangerous 
to  the  objects  of  the  interview  to  allow  the  appli 
cation  to  be  granted.  But,  reserving  a  protest 
against  the  concession  being  interpreted  into  a 
precedent,  it  might  be  well  to  concede  that,  as  an 
act  of  courtesy,  which  was  denied  as  a  right. 
Hereupon,  Dr.  Reasono  informed  me  that  these 
calculations  of  the  revolutions  of  truth  did  lead  to 
certain  moral  extravagancies,  and  in  many  in 
stances  to  ruinous  speculations  in  ideas ;  that  the 
academy  of  Leaphigh,  and  so  far  as  his  informa- 


to  manage,  the  most  likely  to  be  abused,  and  the 
most  dangerous  to  promulgate.     I  was  moreover 


THE    MONIK1NS.  165 

promised,  at  a  future  day,  some  illustrations  of 
this  branch  of  the  subject. 

"  To  pursue  the  more  regular  thread  of  my  lec 
ture,"  continued  Dr.  Reasono,  when  he  had  po 
litely  made  this  little  digression,  "  we  now  divide 
these  portions  of  the  created  world  into  animated 
and  vegetable  nature ;  the  former  is  again  divided 
into  the  improvable  and  the  unimprovable,  and  the 
retrogressive.     The  improvable  embraces  all  those 
species  which  are  marching,  by  slow,  progressive, 
but  immutable  mutations,  towards  the  perfection 
of  terrestrial  life,  or  to  that   last,  elevated,  and 
sublime  condition  of  mortality,  in  which  the  mate 
rial  makes  its  final  struggle  with  the  immaterial — 
mind  with  matter.     The  improvable  class  of  ani 
mals,  agreeably  to   the   monikin  dogmas,  com 
mences  with  those  species  in  which  matter  has 
the  most  unequivocal  ascendency,  and  terminates 
with  those  in  which  mind  is  as  near  perfection  as 
this  mortal  coil  will  allow.     We  hold  that  mind 
and  matter,  in  that  mysterious  union  which  con 
nects  the  spiritual  with  the  physical  being,  com 
mence  in  the  medium  state,  undergoing,  not,  as 
some  men  have  pretended,  transmigrations  of  the 
soul  only,  but  such  gradual   and  imperceptible 
changes  of  both  soul  and  body,  as  have  peopled 
the  world  with  so  many  wonderful  beings ;  won 
derful,  mentally  and  physically ;  and  all  of  which 
(meaning  all  of  the  improvable  class)  are  no  more 
than  animals  of  the  same  great  genus,  on  the  high 
road  of  tendencies,  who  are  advancing  towards 
the  last  stage  of  improvement,  previously  to  their 
final  translation  to  another  planet,  and  a  new  exist 
ence. 

"The  retrogressive  class  is  composed  of  those  spe 
cimens  which,  owing  to  their  destiny,  take  a  false 
direction;  which,  instead  of  tending  to  the  immate- 


166  THE   MOMKINS. 

rial,  tend  to  the  material ;  which  gradually  become 
more  and  more  under  the  influence  of  matter,  until, 
by  a  succession  of  physical  translations,  the  will  is 
eventually  lost,  and  they  become  incorporated  with 
the  earth  itself.  Under  this  last  transformation, 
these  purely  materialized  beings  are  chymically 
analyzed  in  the  great  laboratory  of  nature,  and 
their  component  parts  are  separated : — thus  the 
bones  become  rocks,  the  flesh  earth,  the  spirits  air, 
the  blood  water,  the  grizzle  clay,  and  the  ashes  of 
the  will  are  converted  into  the  element  of  fire.  In 
this  class  we  enumerate  whales,  elephants,  hippo 
potami,  and  divers  other  brutes,  which  visibly  ex 
hibit  accumulations  of  matter  that  must  speedily 
triumph  over  the  less  material  portions  of  their  na 
tures." 

"  And  yet,  Doctor,  there  are  facts  that  militate 
against  the  theory;  the  elephant,  for  instance,  is 
accounted  one  of  the  most  intelligent  of  all  the 
quadrupeds." 

"  A  mere  false  demonstration,  sir.  Nature  de 
lights  in  these  little  equivocations :  thus,  we  have 
false  suns,  false  rainbows,  false  prophets,  false  vision, 
and  even  false  philosophy.  There  are  entire  races 
of  both  our  species,  too,  as  the  Congo  and  the  Es 
quimaux,  for  yours,  and  baboons  and  the  common 
monkeys,  that  inhabit  various  parts  of  the  world 
possessed  by  the  human  species,  for  ours,  which  are 
mere  shadows  of  the  forms  and  qualities  that  pro 
perly  distinguish  the  animal  in  its  state  of  perfec 
tion." 

"  How,  sir ;  are  you  not,  then,  of  the  same  fami 
ly  as  all  the  other  monkeys  that  we  see  hopping 
and  skipping  about  the  streets  ?" 

"  No  more,  sir,  than  you  are  of  the  same  family 
as  the  flat-nosed,  thick-lipped,  low-browed,  ink- 
skinned  negro,  or  the  squalid,  passionless,  brutalized 


THE   MONIKINS.  167 

Esquimaux.  I  have  said  that  nature  delights  in 
vagaries ;  and  all  these  are  no  more  than  some  of 
her  mistifications.  Of  this  class  is  the  elephant, 
who,  while  verging  nearest  to  pure  materialism, 
makes  a  deceptive  parade  of  the  quality  he  is  fast 
losing.  Instances  of  this  species  of  playing  trumps, 
if  I  may  so  express  it,  are  common  in  all  classes 
of  beings.  How  often,  for  instance,  do  men,  just 
as  they  are  about  to  fail,  make  a  parade  of  wealth, 
women  seem  obdurate  an  hour  before  they  capitu 
late,  and  diplomatists  call  Heaven  to  be  a  witness 
of  their  resolutions  to  the  contrary,  the  day  before 
they  sign  and  seal !  In  the  case  of  the  elephant, 
however,  there  is  a  slight  exception  to  the  general 
rule,  which  is  founded  on  an  extraordinary  struggle 
between  mind  and  matter,  the  former  making  an 
effort  that  is  unusual,  and  which  may  be  said  to 
form  an  exception  to  the  ordinary  warfare  between 
these  two  principles,  as  it  is  commonly  conducted 
in  the  retrogressive  class  of  animals.  The  most 
infallible  sign  of  the  triumph  of  mind  over  matter, 
is  in  the  development  of  the  tail " 

"King!" 

"  Of  the  tail,  Dr.  Reasono  ?" 

"  By  all  means,  sir, — that  seat  of  reason,  the  tail ! 
Pray,  Sir  John,  what  other  portion  of  our  frames 
did  you  imagine  was  indicative  of  intellect  ?" 

"Among  men,  Dr.  Reasono,  it  is  commonly 
thought  the  head  is  the  more  honorable  member, 
and,  of  late,  we  have  made  analytical  maps  of  this 
part  of  our  physical  formation,  by  which  it  is  pre 
tended  to  know  the  breadth  and  length  of  a  moral 
quality,  no  less  than  its  boundaries." 

"  You  have  made  the  best  use  of  your  materials, 
such  as  they  were,  and  I  dare  say  the  map  in  ques 
tion,  all  things  considered,  is  a  very  clever  perform 
ance.  But  in  the  complication  and  abstruseness  of 


168  THE    MONIKINS. 

this  very  moral  chart  (one  of  which  I  perceive 
standing  on  your  mantel-piece,)  you  may  learn  the 
confusion  which  still  reigns  over  the  human  intel 
lect.  Now,  in  regarding  us,  you  can  understand 
the  very  converse  of  your  dilemma.  How  much 
easier,  for  instance,  is  it  to  take  a  yard-stick,  and 
by  a  simple  admeasurement  of  a  tail,  come  to  a 
sound,  obvious  and  incontrovertible  conclusion  as 
to  the  extent  of  the  intellect  of  the  specimen,  than 
by  the  complicated,  contradictory,  self-balancii  •; 
and  questionable  process  to  which  you  are  reduced ! 
Were  there  only  this  fact,  it  would  abundantly  es 
tablish  the  higher  moral  condition  of  the  monikin 
race,  as  it  is  compared  with  that  of  man." 

"  Dr.  Reasono,  am  I  to  understand  that  the  mon 
ikin  family  seriously  entertain  a  position  so  extrav 
agant  as  this :  that  a  monkey  is  a  creature  more 
intellectual  and  more  highly  civilized  than  man  ?" 

"  Seriously,  good  Sir  John ! — Why  you  are  the 
first  respectable  person  it  has  been  my  fortune  to 
meet,  who  has  even  affected  to  doubt  the  fact.  It 
is  well  known  that  both  belong  to  the  improveable 
class  of  animals,  and  that  monkeys,  as  you  are 
pleased  to  term  us,  were  once  men,  with  all  their 
passions,  weaknesses,  inconsistencies,  modes  of  phi 
losophy,  unsound  ethics,  frailties,  incongruities  and 
subserviency  to  matter ;  that  they  passed  into  the 
monikin  state  by  degrees,  and  that  large  divisions 
of  them  are  constantly  evaporating  into  the  imma 
terial  world,  completely  spiritualized  and  free  from 
the  dross  of  flesh.  I  do  not  mean  in  what  is  call 
ed  death — for  that  is  no  more  than  an  occasional 
deposit  of  matter  to  be  resumed  in  a  new  aspect, 
and  with  a  nearer  approach  to  the  grand  results, 
(whether  of  the  improveable  or  of  the  retrogressive 
classes;)  but  those  final  mutations  which  transfer 
us  to  another  planet,  to  enjoy  a  higher  state  of  be- 


THE    MO tf  I  KINS.  169 

_.  -,   mjai&..i  • :  .-;., "   ••  V 

ing,  and  leaving  us  always  on  the  high  road  to 
wards  final  excellence." 

"  All  this  is  very  ingenious,  sir ;  but,  before  you 
can  persuade  me  into  the  belief  that  man  is  an  ani 
mal  inferior  to  a  monkey,  Dr.  Reasono,  you  will 
allow  me  to  say  that  you  must  prove  it." 

"  Ay,  ay,  or  me,  either,"  put  in  Captain  Poke, 
waspishly. 

"  Were  I  to  cite  my  proofs,  gentlemen,"  contin 
ued  the  philosopher,  whose  spirit  appeared  to  be 
much  less  moved  by  our  doubts  than  ours  were  by 
his  position — "  I  should,  in  the  first  place,  refer  you 
to  history.  All  the  monikin  writers  are  agreed  in 
recording  the  gradual  translation  of  the  species 
from  the  human  family " 

"  This  may  do  very  well,  sir,  for  the  latitude  of 
Leaphigh,  but  permit  me  to  say  that  no  human  his 
torian,  from  Moses  down  to  Buffon,  has  ever  taken 
such  a  view  of  our  respective  races.  There  is  not 
a  word  in  any  of  all  these  writers  on  the  subject." 

'•  How  should  there  be,  sir  ? — History  is  not  a 
prediction,  but  a  record  of  the  past.  Their  silence 
is  so  much  negative  proof  in  our  favor.  Does 
Tacitus,  for  instance,  speak  of  the  French  revolu 
tion  ?  Is  not  Herodotus  silent  on  the  subject  of  the 
independence  of  the  American  continent  ? — or  do 
any  of  the  Greek  and  Roman  writers  give  us  the 
annals  of  Stunin'tun, — a  city  whose  foundations 
were  most  probably  laid  some  time  after  the  com 
mencement  of  the  Christian  era  ?  It  is  morally 
impossible  that  men  or  monikins  can  faithfully  re 
late  events  that  have  never  happened;  and  as  it  has 
never  yet  happened  to  any  man,  who  is  still  a  man, 
to  be  translated  to  the  monikin  state  of  being,  it 
follows,  as  a  necessary  consequence,  that  he  can 
know  nothing  about  it.  If  you  want  historical 
proofs,  therefore,  of  what  I  say,  you  must  search 

VOL.  I.  15 


170  THE   MONIKINS. 

the  monikin  annals  for  the  evidence.  There  it  is  to 
be  found,  with  an  infinity  of  curious  details  ;  and  I 
trust  the  time  is  not  far  distant,  when  I  shall  have 
great  pleasure  in  pointing  out  to  you  some  of 
the  most  approved  chapters  of  our  best  writers 
on  this  subject.  But  we  are  not  confined  to  the 
testimony  of  history,  in  establishing  our  condition 
to  be  of  the  secondary  formation.  The  internal 
evidence  is  triumphant :  we  appeal  to  our  simplici 
ty,  our  philosophy,  the  state  of  the  arts  among  us ; 
in  short,  to  all  those  concurrent  proofs  which  are 
dependent  on  the  highest  possible  state  of  civiliza 
tion.  In  addition  to  this,  we  have  the  infallible 
testimony  which  is  to  be  derived  from  the  develop 
ment  of  our  tails.  Our  system  of  caudology  is,  in 
itself,  a  triumphant  proof  of  the  high  improvement 
of  the  monikin  reason." 

"  Do  I  comprehend  you  aright,  Dr.  Reasono, 
when  I  understand  your  system  of  caudology,  or 
tailology,  to  render  it  into  the  vernacular,  to  dog 
matize  on  the  possibility  that  the  seat  of  reason  in 
a  man,  which  to  day  is  certainly  in  his  brains,  can 
ever  descend  into  a  tail  ?' 

"  If  you  deem  development,  improvement  and 
simplification,  a  descent,  beyond  a  question,  sir. 
But  your  figure  is  a  bad  one,  Sir  John ;  for  ocular 
demonstration  is  before  you,  that  a  monikin  can 
carry  his  tail  as  high  as  a  man  can  possibly  carry 
his  head.  Our  species,  in  this  sense,  is  morally 
nicked ;  and  it  costs  us  no  effort  to  be  on  a  level 
with  human  kings.  We  hold,  with  you,  that  the 
brain  is  the  seat  of  reason,  while  the  animal  is  in 
what  we  call  the  human  probation,  but  that  it  is  a 
reason  undeveloped,  imperfect  and  confused ;  cased, 
as  it  were,  in  an  envelope  unsuited  to  its  functions; 
but  that,  as  it  gradually  oozes  out  of  this  straitened 
receptacle,  towards  the  base  of  the  animal,  it  ac- 


THE    MCWIKINS.  171 

quires  solidity,  lucidity,  and,  finally,  by  elongation 
and  development,  point.  If  you  examine  the  human 
brain,  you  will  find  it,  though  capable  of  being 
stretched  to  a  great  length,  compressed  in  a  dimi 
nutive  compass,  involved  and  snarled ;  whereas  the 
same  physical  portion  of  the  genus  gets  simplicity, 
a  beginning  and  an  end,  a  directness  and  consecutive- 
ness,  that  are  necessary  to  logic,  and,  as  has  just 
been  mentioned,  a  point,  in  the  monikin  seat  of  rea 
son,  which,  by  all  analogy,  go  to  prove  the  supe 
riority  of  the  animal  possessing  advantages  so 
great." 

"  Nay,  sir,  if  you  come  to  analogies,  they  will  be 
found  to  prove  more  than  you  may  wish.  In  vege 
tation,  for  instance,  saps  ascend  for  the  purposes 
of  fructification  and  usefulness ;  and,  reasoning  from 
the  analogies  of  the  vegetable  world,  it  is  far  more 
probable  that  tails  have  ascended  into  brains,  than 
that  brains  have  descended  into  tails ;  and,  conse 
quently,  that,  men  are  much  more  likely  to  be  an 
improvement  on  monkeys,  than  monkeys  an  im 
provement  on  men." 

I  spoke  with  warmth,  I  know ;  for  the  doctrine 
of  Dr.  Reasono  was  new  to  me ;  and,  by  this  time, 
my  esprit  de  corps  had  pretty  effectually  blinded 
reflection. 

"You  gave  him  a  red-hot  shot  that  time,  Sir 
John,"  whispered  Captain  Poke  at  my  elbow;  "  now, 
if  you  are  so  disposed,  I  will  wring  the  necks  of 
all  these  little  blackguards,  and  throw  them  out  of 
the  window." 

I  immediately  intimated  that  any  display  of  brute 
force  would  militate  directly  against  our  cause; 
as  the  object,  just  at  that  moment,  was  to  be  as 
immaterial  as  possible. 

"Well,  well,  manage  it  in  your  own  way,  Sir  John, 
and  I'm  quite  as  immaterial  as  you  can  wish ;  but 


172  THE    MONIKINS. 

should  these  cunning  varments  ra'ally  get  the  better 
of  us  in  the  argument,  I  shall  never  dare  look  at  Miss 
Poke,  or  show  my  face  ag'in  in  Stunin'tun." 

This  little  aside  was  secretly  conducted,  while 
Dr.  Reasono  was  drinking  a  glass  of  eau  sucree ; 
but  he  soon  returned  to  the  subject,  with  the  digni 
fied  gravity  that  never  forsook  him. 

"  Your  remark  touching  saps  has  the  usual  savor 
of  human  ingenuity,  blended,  however,  with  the 
proverbial  short-sightedness  of  the  species.  It  is 
very  true  that  saps  ascend  for  the  purposes  of  fruc 
tification  ;  but  what  is  this  fructification,  to  which 
you  allude  ?  It  is  no  more  than  a  false  demonstra 
tion  of  the  energies  of  the  plant.  For  all  the  pur 
poses  of  growth,  life,  durability,  and  the  final 
conversion  of  the  vegetable  matter  into  an  element, 
the  root  is  the  seat  of  power  and  authority;  and,  in 
particular,  the  tap-root  above,  or  rather  below  all 
others.  This  tap-root  may  be  termed  the  tail  of 
vegetation.  You  may  pluck  fruits  with  impunity — 
nay,  you  may  even  top  all  the  branches,  and  the 
tree  shall  survive ;  but,  put  the  axe  to  the  root,  and 
the  pride  of  the  forest  falls !" 

All  this  was  too  evidently  true  to  be  denied,  and 
I  felt  worried  and  badgered ;  for  no  man  likes  to  be 
beaten  in  a  discussion  of  this  sort,  and  more  espe 
cially  by  a  monkey.  I  bethought  me  of  the  elephant, 
and  determined  to  make  one  more  thrust,  by  the 
aid  of  his  powerful  tusks,  before  I  gave  up  the  point. 

"  I  am  inclined  to  think,  Dr.  Reasono,"  I  put  in 
as  soon  as  possible,  "  that  your  savans  have  not 
been  very  happy  in  illustrating  their  theory  by 
means  of  the  elephant.  This  animal,  besides  being 
a  mass  of  flesh,  is  too  well  provided  with  intellect 
to  be  passed  off  for  a  dunce ;  and  he  not  only  has 
one,  but  he  might  almost  be  said  to  be  provided 
with  two  tails." 


THE   MON1KINS.  173 

"  That  has  been  his  chief  misfortune,  sir.  Mat 
ter,  in  the  great  warfare  between  itself  and  mind, 
has  gone  on  the  principle  of  divide  and  conquer. 
You  are  nearer  the  truth  than  you  imagined,  for 
the  trunk  of  the  elephant  is  merely  the  abortion  of  a 
tail;  and  yet,  you  see,  it  contains  nearly  all  the  intelli 
gence  that  the  animal  possesses.  On  the  subject  of  the 
fate  of  the  elephant,  however,  theory  is  confirmed 
by  actual  experiment.  Do  not  your  geologists  and 
naturalists  speak  of  the  remains  of  animals,  which 
are  no  longer  to  be  found  among  living  things  1" 

"  Certainly,  sir ;  the  mastodon — the  megatherium, 
iguanodon ;  and  the  plesiosaurus " 

"  And  do  you  not  also  find  unequivocal  evidences 
of  animal  matter  incorporated  with  rocks  ?" 

"  This  fact  must  be  admitted,  too." 

"  These  phenomena,  as  you  call  them,  are  no 
more  than  the  final  deposits  which  nature  has  made 
in  the  cases  of  those  creatures  in  which  matter  has 
completely  overcome  its  rival,  mind.  So  soon  as 
the  will  is  entirely  extinct,  the  being  ceases  to  live ; 
or  it  is  no  longer  an  animal.  It  falls  and  reverts 
altogether  to  the  element  of  matter.  The  processes 
of  decomposition  and  incorporation  are  longer,  or 
shorter,  according  to  circumstances;  and  these 
fossil  remains  of  \vhich  your  writers  say  so  much, 
are  merely  cases  that  have  met  with  accidental 
obstacles  to  their  final  decomposition.  As  respects 
our  two  species,  a  very  cursory  examination  of  their 
qualities  ought  to  convince  any  candid  mind  of  the 
truth  of  our  philosophy.  Thus,  the  physical  part 
of  man  is  much  greater  in  proportion  to  the  spirit 
ual,  than  it  is  in  the  monikin;  his  habits  are  grosser 
and  less  intellectual ;  he  requires  sauce  and  condi 
ments  in  his  food ;  he  is  farther  removed  from  sim 
plicity,  and,  by  necessary  implication,  from  high 
civilization ;  he  eats  flesh,  a  certain  proof  that  the 
15* 


174  THE    MONIKINS. 

material  principle  is  still  strong  in  the  ascendant ; 
he  has  no  cauda " 

"  On  this  point,  Dr.  Reasono,  I  would  inquire  if 
your  scholars  attach  any  weight  to  traditions  ?" 

"The  greatest  possible,  sir.  It  is  the  monikin 
tradition  that  our  species  is  composed  of  men 
refined,  of  diminished  matter  and  augmented  minds, 
with  the  seat  of  reason  extricated  from  the  confine 
ment  and  confusion  of  the  caput,  and  extended, 
unravelled,  and  rendered  logical  and  consecutive, 
in  the  cauda" 

"  Well,  sir,  we  too  have  our  traditions ;  and  an 
eminent  writer,  at  no  great  distance  of  time,  has 
laid  it  down  as  incontrovertible,  that  men  once  had 
cauda" 

"  A  mere  prophetic  glance  into  the  future,  as  com 
ing  events  are  known  to  cast  their  shadows  before." 

"  Sir,  the  philosopher  in  question  establishes  his 
position,  by  pointing  to  the  stumps." 

"He  has  unluckily  mistaken  a  foundation-stone  for 
a  ruin !  Such  errors  are  not  unfrequent  with  the 
ardent  and  ingenious.  That  men  will  have  tails,  I 
make  no  doubt ;  but  that  they  have  ever  reached 
this  point  of  perfection,  I  do  most  solemnly  deny. 
There  are  many  premonitory  symptoms  of  their 
approaching  this  condition;  the  current  opinions 
of  the  day,  the  dress,  habits,  fashions,  and  phi 
losophy  of  the  species,  encourage  the  belief;  but 
hitherto  you  have  never  reached  the  enviable  dis 
tinction.  As  to  traditions,  even  your  own  are  all 
in  favor  of  our  theory.  Thus,  for  instance,  you 
have  a  tradition  that  the  earth  was  once  peopled  by 
giants.  Now,  this  is  owing  to  the  fact  that  men 
were  formerly  more  under  the  influence  of  matter, 
and  less  under  that  of  mind,  than  to-day.  You  admit 
that  you  diminish  in  size,  and  improve  in  moral 
attainments;  all  of  which  goes  to  establish  the  truth 


THE   MONIKINS.  175 

of  the  monikin  philosophy.  You  begin  to  lay  less 
stress  on  physical,  and  more  on  moral  excellencies; 
and,  in  short,  many  things  show  that  the  time  for 
the  final  liberation  and  grand  development  of  your 
brains,  is  not  far  distant.  This  much  I  very  gladly 
concede ;  for,  while  the  dogmas  of  our  schools  are 
not  to  be  disregarded,  I  very  cheerfully  admit  that 
you  are  our  fellow-creatures,  though  in  a  more 
infant  and  less  improved  condition  of  society." 

"King!" 

Here  Dr.  Reasono  announced  the  necessity  of 
taking  a  short  intermission,  in  order  to  refresh 
himself.  I  retired  with  Captain  Poke,  to  have  a 
little  communication  with  my  fellow-mortal,  under 
the  peculiar  circumstances  in  which  we  were  placed, 
and  to  ask  his  opinion  of  what  had  been  said.  Noah 
swore  bitterly  at  some  of  the  conclusions  of  the 
monikin  philosopher,  affirming  he  should  like  no 
better  sport  than  to  hear  him  lecture  in  the  streets 
of  Stunin'tun,  where,  he  assured  me,  such  doctrine 
would  not  be  tolerated  any  longer  than  was  neces 
sary  to  sharpen  a  harpoon,  or  to  load  a  gun. 
Indeed,  he  did  not  know  but  the  Doctor  would  be 
incontinently  kicked  over  -into  Rhode  Island,  with 
out  ceremony. 

"  For  that  matter,"  continued  the  indignant  old 
sealer,  "  I  should  ask  no  better  sport,  than  to  have 
permission  to  put  the  big  toe  of  my  right  foot,  under 
full  sail,  against  the  part  of  the  blackguard  where 
his  beloved  tail  is  stepped.  That  would  soon  bring 
him  to  reason.  Why,  as  for  his  caudce,  if  you 
will  believe  me,  Sir  John,  I  once  saw  a  man,  on 
the  coast  of  Patagonia — a  savage,  to  be  sure,  and 
not  a  philosopher^"  as  this  fellow  pretends  to  be — 
who  had  an  outrigger  of  this  sort,  as  long  as  a 
ship's  ring-tail-boom.  And  what  was  he,  after  all, 


176  THE    MONIKINS. 

but  a  poor  devil  who  did  not  know  a  sea-lion  from 
a  grampus !" 

This-  assertion  of  Captain  Poke  relieved  my  mind 
considerably;  and,  laying  aside  the  bison-skin,  I 
asked  him  to  have  the  goodness  to  examine  the  lo 
calities,  with  some  particularity,  about  the  termina 
tion  of  the  dorsal  bone,  in  order  to  ascertain  if  there 
were  any  encouraging  signs  to  be  discovered. 
Capt.  Poke  put  on  his  spectacles,  for  time  had 
brought  the  worthy  mariner  to  their  use,  as  he 
said,  "whenever  he  had  occasion  to  read  fine  print;" 
and,  after  some  time,  I  had  the  satisfaction  to  hear 
him  declare,  that  if  it  was  a  cauda  I  wanted,  there 
was  as  good  a  place  to  step  one,  as  could  be  found 
about  any  monkey  in  the  universe;  "and  you  have 
only  to  say  the  word,  Sir  John,  and  I  will  just  step 
into  the  next  room,  and  by  the  help  of  my  knife 
and  a  little  judgment  in  choosing,  I'll  fit  you  out 
with  a  jury-article,  which,  if  there  be  any  ra'al 
vartue  in  this  sort  of  thing,  will  qualify  you  at  once 
to  be  a  judge,  or,  for  that  matter,  a  bishop." 

We  were  now  summoned  again  to  the  lecture- 
room,  and  I  had  barely  time  to  thank  Captain  Poke 
for  his  obliging  offer,  which  circumstances  just 
then,  however,  forbade  my  accepting. 


THE    MONIKINS.  177 


CHAPTER  XII. 

Better  and  better — A  higher  flight  of  reason — More  obvious 
truths,  deeper  philosophy,  and  facts  that  even  an  ostrich 
might  digest. 

"  I  GLADLY  quit  what  I  fear  some  present  may 
have  considered  the  personal  part  of  my  lecture," 
resumed  Dr.  Reasono,  "  to  turn  to  those  portions 
of  the  theme  that  should  possess  a  common  interest, 
awaken  common  pride,  and  excite  common  felici 
tations.  I  now  propose  to  say  a  few  words  on  that 
part  of  our  natural  philosophy  which  is  connected 
with  the  planetary  system,  the  monikin  location, — 
and,  as  a  consequence  from  both,  the  creation  of 
the  world." 

"  Although  dying  with  impatience  to  be  enlight 
ened  on  all  these  interesting  points,  you  will  grant 
me  leave  to  inquire,  en  passant,  Dr.  Reasono,  if 
your  savans  receive  the  Mosaic  account  of  the 
creation  or  not." 

"  As  far  as  it  corroborates  our  own  system,  sir, 
and  no  farther.  There  would  be  a  manifest  incon 
sistency  in  our  giving  an  antagonist  validity  to  any 
hostile  theory,  let  it  come  from  Moses  or  Aaron ; 
as  one  of  your  native  good  sense  and  subsequent 
cultivation  will  readily  perceive." 

"Permit  me  to  intimate,  Dr.  Reasono,  that  the 
distinction  your  philosophers  take  in  this  matter,  is 
directly  opposed  to  a  very  arbitrary  canon  in  the 
law  of  evidence,  which  dictates  the  necessity  of 
repudiating  the  whole  of  a  witness's  testimony, 
when  we  repudiate  a  part." 

"  That  may  be  a  human,  but  it  is  not  a  monikin, 
distinction.  So  far  from  admitting  the  soundness 


178  THE    MOMKIKS. 

of  the  principle,  we  hold  that  no  monikin  is  ever 
wholly  right,  or  that  he  will  be  wholly  right,  so  long 
as  he  remain  in  the  least  under  the  influence  of 
matter ;  and  we  therefore  winnow  the  false  from 
the  true,  rejecting  the  former  as  worse  than  useless, 
while  we  take  the  latter  as  the  nutriment  of  facts." 

"  I  now  repeat  my  apologies  for  so  often  inter 
rupting  you,  venerable  and  learned  sir ;  and  I  en 
treat  you  will  not  waste  another  moment  in  replying 
to  my  interrogatories,  but  proceed  at  once  to  an 
explanation  of  your  planetary  system,  or  of  any 
other  little  thing  it  may  suit  your  convenience  to 
mention.  When  one  listens  to  a  real  philosopher, 
one  is  certain  to  learn  something  that  is  either  use 
ful  or  agreeable,  let  the  subject  be  what  it  may." 

"  By  the  monikin  philosophy,  gentlemen,"  conti 
nued  Dr.  Reasono,  "we  divide  the  great  component 
parts  of  this  earth  into  land  and  water.  These  two 
principles  we  term  the  primary  elements.  Human 
philosophy  has  added  air  and  fire  to  the  list ;  but 
these  we  reject  either  entirely,  or  admit  them  only 
as  secondary  elements.  That  neither  air  nor  fire  is 
a  primary  element,  may  be  proved  by  experiment. 
Thus,  air  can  be  formed,  in  the  quality  of  gases ; 
can  be  rendered  pure  or  foul ;  is  dependent  on  eva 
poration,  being  no  more  than  ordinary  matter  in  a 
state  of  high  rarefaction.  Fire  has  no  independent 
existence ;  requires  fuel  for  its  support,  and  is  evi 
dently  a  property  that  is  derived  from  the  combina 
tions  of  other  principles.  Thus,  by  putting  two  or 
more  billets  of  wood  together,  by  rapid  friction  you 
produce  fire.  Abstract  the  ah*  suddenly,  and  your 
fire  becomes  extinct ;  abstract  the  wood,  and  you 
have  the  same  result.  From  these  two  experiments 
it  is  shown  that  fire  has  no  independent  existence, 
and  therefore  is  not  an  element.  On  the  other  hand, 
take  a  billet  of  wood  and  let  it  be  completely  satu- 


THE    MONIKINS.  179 

rated  with  water :  the  wood  acquires  a  new  pro 
perty,  (as  also  by  the  application  of  fire,  which  con 
verts  it  into  ashes  and  air,)  for  its  specific  gravity  is 
increased,  it  becomes  less  inflammable,  emits  vapor 
more  readily,  and  yields  less  readily  to  the  blow  of 
the  axe.  Place  the  same  billet  under  a  powerful 
screw,  and  a  vessel  beneath.  Compress  the  billet, 
and  by  a  sufficient  application  of  force,  you  will 
have  the  wood,  perfectly  dry,  left  beneath  the 
screw,  and  the  vessel  will  contain  water.  Thus 
is  it  shown  that  land  (all  vegetable  matter  being  no 
more  than  fungi  of  the  earth)  is  a  primary  element, 
and  that  water  is  also  a  primary  element;  while  air 
and  fire  are  not. 

"  Having  established  the  elements,  I  shall,  for 
brevity's  sake,  suppose  the  world  created.  In  the 
beginning,  the  orb  was  placed  in  vacuum,  station 
ary,  and  with  its  axis  perpendicular  to  the  plane  of 
what  is  now  called  its  orbit.  Its  only  revolution  was 
the  diurnal." 

"  And  the  changes  of  the  seasons  ?" 
"  Had  not  yet  taken  place.  The  days  and  nights 
were  equal;  there  were  no  eclipses;  the  same  stars 
were  always  visible.  This  state  of  the  earth  is 
supposed,  from  certain  geological  proofs,  to  have 
continued  about  a  thousand  years,  during  which 
time  the  struggle  between  mind  and  matter  was 
solely  confined  to  quadrupeds.  Man  is  thought  to 
have  made  his  appearance,  so  far  as  our  documents 
go  to  establish  the  fact,  about  the  year  of  the  world 
one  thousand  and  three.  About  this  period,  too,  it 
is  supposed  that  fire  was  generated  by  the  friction 
of  the  earth's  axis,  while  making  the  diurnal  move 
ment  ;  or,  as  some  imagine,  by  the  friction  of  the 
periphery  of  the  orb,  rubbing  against  vacuum  at 
the  rate  of  so  many  thousand  miles  in  a  minute. 
The  fire  penetrating  the  crust,  soon  got  access  to  the 


180  THE    MONIKINS. 

bodies  of  water  that  fill  the  cavities  of  the  earth. 
From  this  time  is  to  be  dated  the  existence  of  a 
new  and  most  important  agent  in  the  terrestrial 
phenomena,  called  steam.  Vegetation  now  began 
to  appear,  as  the  earth  received  warmth  from 
within " 

"  Pray,  sir,  may  I  ask  in  what  manner  all  the 
animals  existed  previously  ?" 

"  By  feeding  on  each  other.  The  strong  devoured 
the  weak,  until  the  most  diminutive  of  the  animal- 
cula  was  reached,  when  these  turned  on  their  per 
secutors,  and,  profiting  by  their  insignificance, 
commenced  devouring  the  strongest.  You  find 
daily  parallels  to  this  phenomenon  in  the  history 
of  man.  He  who,  by  his  energy  and  force,  has 
triumphed  over  his  equals,  is  frequently  the  prey  of 
the  insignificant  and  vile.  You  doubtless  know  that 
the  polar  regions,  even  in  the  original  attitude  of 
the  earth,  owing  to  their  receiving  the  rays  of  the 
sun  obliquely,  must  have  possessed  a  less  genial 
climate  than  the  parts  of  the  orb  that  lie  between 
the  arctic  and  the  antarctic  circles.  This  was  a 
wise  provision  of  Providence  to  prevent  a  prema 
ture  occupation  of  those  chosen  regions,  or  to  cause 
them  to  be  left  uninhabited,  until  mind  had  so  far 
mastered  matter,  as  to  have  brought  into  existence 
the  first  monikin." 

"  May  I  venture  to  ask  to  what  epoch  you  refer 
the  appearance  of  the  first  of  your  species  ?" 

"  To  the  Monikin  Epocha,  beyond  a  doubt,  sir — 
but  if  you  mean  to  ask  in  what  year  of  the  world 
this  event  took  place,  I  should  answer,  about  the 
year  4017.  It  is  true,  that  certain  of  our  writers 
affect  to  think  that  divers  men  were  approaching 
to  the  sublimation  of  the  monikin  mind,  previously  to 
this  period;  but  the  better  opinion  is,  that  these  cases 
were  no  more  than  what  are  termed  premonitory. 


THE    MONIKINS.  181 

Thus,  Socrates,  Plato,  Confucius,  Aristotle,  Euclid, 
Zeno,  Diogenes,  and  Seneca,  were  merely  so  many 
admonishing  types  of  the  future  condition  of  man, 
indicating  their  near  approach  to  the  monikin,  or 
to  the  final  translation." 

"  And  Epicurus " 

"  Was  an  exaggeration  of  the  material  principle, 
that  denoted  the  retrogression  of  a  large  portion  of 
the  race  towards  brutality  and  matter.  These  phe 
nomena  are  still  of  daily  occurrence." 

"  Do  you  then  hold  the  opinion,  for  instance,  Dr. 
Reasono,  that  Socrates  is  now  a  monikin  philoso 
pher,  with  his  brain  unravelled  and  rendered  logic 
ally  consecutive,  and  that  Epicurus  is  transformed 
perchance  into  a  hippopotamus  or  a  rhinoceros, 
with  tusks,  horns,  and  hide  ?" 

"  You  quite  mistake  our  dogmas,  Sir  John.  We 
do  not  believe  in  transmigration  in  the  individual 
at  all,  but  in  the  transmigration  of  classes.  Thus, 
we  hold  that  whenever  a  given  generation  of  men,  in 
a  peculiar  state  of  society,  attain,  in  the  aggregate, 
a  certain  degree  of  moral  improvement,  or  mentality, 
as  we  term  it  in  the  schools,  that  there  is  an  admix 
ture  of  their  qualities  in  masses,  some  believe  by 
scores,  others  think  by  hundreds,  and  others  again 
pretend  by  thousands ;  and  if  it  is  found,  by  the 
analysis  that  is  regularly  instituted  by  nature,  that 
the  proportions  are  just,  the  material  is  consigned 
to  the  monikin  birth ;  if  not,  it  is  repudiated,  and 
either  kneaded  anew  for  another  human  experi 
ment,  or  consigned  to  the  vast  stores  of  dormant 
matter.  Thus  all  individuality,  so  far  as  it  is  con 
nected  with  the  past,  is  lost." 

"  But,  sir,  existing  facts  contradict  one  of  the 
most  important  of  your  propositions;  while  you 
admit  that  a  want  of  a  change  in  the  seasons  would 
be  a  consequence  of  the  perpendicularity  of  the 

VOL.  I.  16 


182  THE    MON1KINS. 

earth's  axis  to  the  plane  of  its  present  orbit,  this 
change  in  the  seasons  is  a  matter  not  to  be  denied. 
Flesh  and  blood  testify  against  you  here,  no  less 
than  reason." 

"  I  spoke  of  things  as  they  were,  sir,  previously 
to  the  birth  of  the  monikinia ;  since  which  time  a 
great,  salutary,  harmonious,  and  contemplated  alter 
ation  has  occurred.  Nature  had  reserved  the  polar 
regions  for  the  new  species,  with  divers  obvious  and 
benevolent  purposes.  It  was  rendered  uninhabitable 
by  the  obliquity  of  the  sun's  rays ;  and  though  mat 
ter,  in  the  shape  of  mastodons  and  whales,  with  an 
instinct  of  its  antagonist  destination,  had  frequently 
invaded  their  precincts,  it  was  only  to  leave  the 
remains  of  the  first  embedded  in  fields  of  ice,  me 
morials  of  the  uselessness  of  struggling  against 
destiny,  and  to  furnish  proofs  of  the  same  great 
truth  in  the  instance  of  the  others ;  who,  if  they  did 
enter  the  polar  basins  as  masters  of  the  great  deep, 
either  left  their  bones  there,  or  returned  in  the  same 
characters  as  they  went.  From  the  appearance  of 
animal  nature  on  the  earth,  down  to  the  period 
when  the  monikin  race  arose,  the  regions  in  ques 
tion  were  not  only  uninhabited,  but  virtually  unin 
habitable.  When,  however,  Nature,  always  wary, 
wise,  beneficent,  and  never  to  be  thwarted,  had 
prepared  the  way,  those  phenomena  were  exhibited 
that  cleared  the  road  for  the  new  species.  I  have 
alluded  to  the  internal  struggle  between  fire  and 
water,  and  to  their  progeny,  steam.  This  new 
agent  was  now  required  to  act.  A  moment's 
attention  to  the  manner  in  which  the  next  great 
step  in  the  progress  of  civilization  was  made,  will 
show  with  what  foresight  and  calculation  our  com 
mon  mother  had  established  her  laws.  The  earth 
is  flattened  at  the  poles,  as  is  well  imagined  by 
some  of  the  human  philosophers,  in  consequence 


THE    MONIKINS.  183 

of  its  diurnal  movement  commencing  while  the  ball 
was  still  in  a  state  of  fusion,  which  naturally  threw 
off  a  portion  of  the  unkneaded  matter,  towards  the 
periphery.  This  was  not  done  without  the  design 
of  accomplishing  a  desired  end.  The  matter  that 
was  thus  accumulated  at  the  equator,  was  necessa 
rily  abstracted  from  other  parts ;  and,  in  this  man 
ner,  the  crust  of  the  globe  became  thinnest  at  the 
poles.  When  a  sufficiency  of  steam  had  been  gene 
rated  in  the  centre  of  the  ball,  a  safety-valve  was 
evidently  necessary  to  prevent  a  total  disruption. 
As  there  was  no  other  machinist  than  Nature,  she 
worked  with  her  own  tools,  and  agreeably  to  her 
own  established  laws.  The  thinnest  portions  of  the 
crust  opportunely  yielded  to  prevent  a  catastrophe, 
when  the  superfluous  and  heated  vapor  escaped,  in 
a  right  line  with  the  earth's  axis,  into  vacuum. 
This  phenomenon  occurred,  as  nearly  as  we  have 
been  able  to  ascertain,  about  the  year  700  before 
the  Christian  era  commenced,  or  some  two  cen 
turies  previously  to  the  birth  of  the  first  monikins." 

"  And  why  so  early,  may  I  presume  to  inquire, 
Doctor?" 

"  Simply  that  there  might  be  time  for  the  new 
climate  to  melt  the  ice  that  had  accumulated  about 
the  islands  and  continents  of  that  region,  (for  it 
was  only  at  the  southern  extremity  of  the  earth 
that  the  explosion  had  taken  place,)  in  the  course 
of  so  many  centuries.  Two  hundred  and  seventy 
years  of  the  active  and  unremitted  agency  of  steam 
sufficed  for  this  end ;  since  the  accomplishment  of 
which,  the  monikin  race  has  been  in  the  undis 
turbed  enjoyment  of  the  whole  territory,  together 
with  its  blessed  fruits." 

"Am  I  to  understand,"  asked  Captain  Poke, 
with  more  interest  than  he  had  before  manifested 
in  the  philosopher's  lecture,  "  that  your  folks,  when 


184  THE    MONIKINS. 

at  hum',  live  to  the  south'ard  of  the  belt  of  ice  that 
we  mariners  'always  fall  in  with  somewhere  about 
the  parallel  of  77°  south  latitude  ?" 

"  Precisely  so — alas !  that  we  should,  this  day, 
be  so  far  from  those  regions  of  peace,  delight,  intel 
ligence,  and  salubrity  !  But  the  will  of  Providence 
be  done ! — doubtless,  there  is  a  wise  motive  for  our 
captivity  and  sufferings,  which  may  yet  lead  to  the 
further  glory  of  the  monikin  race !" 

"Will  you  have  the  kindness  to  proceed  with 
your  explanations,  Doctor?  If  you  deny  the  annual 
revolution  of  the  earth,  in  what  manner  do  you 
account  for  the  changes  of  the  seasons,  and  other 
astronomical  phenomena,  such  as  the  eclipses  which 
so  frequently  occur  ?" 

"  You  remind  me  that  the  subject  is  not  yet  ex 
hausted,"  the  philosopher  hurriedly  rejoined,  hastily 
and  covertly  dashing  a  tear  from  his  eye.  "Pros 
perity  produced  some  of  its  usual  effects,  among 
the  founders  of  our  species.  For  a  few  centuries, 
they  went  on  multiplying  in  numbers,  elongating 
and  rendering  still  more  consecutive  their  caudce, 
improving  in  knowledge  and  the  arts,  until  some 
spirits,  more  audacious  than  the  rest,  became  restive 
under  the  slow  march  of  events,  which  led  them 
towards  perfection  at  a  rate  ill-suited  to  their  fiery 
impatience.  At  this  time,  the  mechanic  arts  were 
at  the  highest  pitch  of  perfection  amongst  us — we 
have  since,  in  a  great  measure,  abandoned  them, 
as  unsuited  to,  and  unnecessary  for,  an  advanced 
state  of  civilization — we  wore  clothes,  constructed 
canals,  and  effected  other  works  that  were  greatly 
esteemed  among  the  species  from  which  we  had 
emigrated.  At  this  time,  also,  the  whole  monikin 
family  lived  together  as  one  people,  enjoyed  the 
same  laws,  and  pursued  the  same  objects.  But  a 


THE    MONIKINS.  185 

political  sect  arose  in  the  region,  under  the  direction 
of  misguided  and  hot-headed  leaders,  who  brought 
down  upon  us  the  just  judgment  of  Providence,  and 
a  multitude  of  evils  that  it  will  require  ages  to 
remedy.  This  sect  soon  had  recourse  to  religious 
fanaticism  and  philosophical  sophisms,  to  attain  its 
ends.  It  grew  rapidly  in  power  and  numbers ;  for 
we  monikins,  like  men,  as  I  have  had  occasion  to 
observe,  are  seekers  of  novelties.  At  last  it  pro 
ceeded  to  absolute  overt  acts  of  treason  against 
the  laws  of  Providence  itself.  The  first  violent 
demonstration  of  its  madness  and  folly,  was  setting 
up  the  doctrine  that  injustice  had  been  done  the 
monikin  race,  by  causing  the  safety-valve  of  the 
world  to  be  opened  within  their  region.  Although 
we  were  manifestly  indebted  to  this  very  circum 
stance  for  the  benignity  of  our  climate,  the  value 
of  our  possessions,  the  general  healthfulness  of  our 
families — nay,  for  our  separate  existence  itself,  as 
an  independent  species,  yet  did  these  excited  and 
ill-judging  wretches  absolutely  wage  war  upon  the 
most  benevolent  and  the  most  unequivocal  friend 
they  had.  Specious  premises  led  to  theories,  theo 
ries  to  declamations,  declamation  to  combination, 
combination  to  denunciation,  and  denunciation  to 
open  hostilities.  The  matter  in  dispute  was  debated 
for  two  generations,  when  the  necessary  degree  of 
madness  having  been  excited,  the  leaders  of  the 
party,  who  by  this  time  had  worked  themselves, 
through  their  hobby,  into  the  general  control  of  the 
monikin  affairs,  called  a  meeting  of  all  their  parti 
sans,  and  passed  certain  resolutions,  which  will 
nev^r  be  blotted  from  the  monikin  memory,  so  fatal 
were  their  consequences,  so  ruinous,  for  a  time, 
their  effects !  They  were  conceived  in  the  follow 
ing  terms; — 

16* 


186  THE 

"  AT  a  full  and  overflowing  meeting  of  the  most 
monikinized  of  the  monikin  race,  holden  at  the  house 
of  Peleg  Pat,  (we  still  used  the  human  appellations, 
at  that  epoch,)  in  the  year  of  the  world  3,007,  and 
of  the  monikin  era  317,  Plausible  Shout  was  called 
to  the  chair,  and  Ready  Quill  was  named  secretary. 

"  After  several  excellent  and  eloquent  addresses 
from  all  present,  it  was  unanimously  resolved  as 
follows,  viz. 

"  That  steam  is  a  curse,  and  not  a  blessing ;  and 
that  it  deserves  to  be  denounced  by  all  patriotic 
and  true  monikins. 

"  That  we  deem  it  the  height  of  oppression  and 
injustice  in  Nature,  that  she  has  placed  the  great 
safety-valve  of  the  world,  within  the  lawful  limits 
of  the  monikin  territories. 

"  That  the  said  safety-valve  ought  to  be  removed 
forthwith ;  and  that  it  shall  be  so  removed,  peace 
ably  if  it  can,  forcibly  if  it  must. 

"  That  we  cordially  approve  of  the  sentiments  of 
John  Jaw,  our  present  estimable  chief  magistrate, 
the  incorruptible  partisan,  the  undaunted  friend  of 
his  friends,  jjie  uncompromising  enemy  of  steam, 
and  the  sound,  pure,  orthodox,  and  true  monikin. 

"  That  we  recommend  the  said  Jaw  to  the  confi 
dence  of  all  monikins* 

"  That  we  call  upon  the  country  to  sustain  us  in 
our  great,  holy,  and  glorious  design,  pledging  our 
selves,  posterity,  the  bones  of  our  ancestors,  and  all 
who  have  gone  before  or  who  may  come  after 
us,  to  the  faithful  execution  of  our  intentions. 
"Signed, 

"  PLAUSIBLE  SHOUT,  Chairman. 

"  READY  QUILL,  Secretary." 

"No  sooner  were  these  resolutions  promulgated, 
(for  instead  of  being  passed  at  a  full  meeting,  it  is 


THE    MONIKINS.  187 

flow  understood  they  were  drawn  up  between 
Messrs.  Shout  and  Quill,  under  the  private  dicta 
tion  of  Mr.  Jaw,)  than  the  public  mind  began 
seriously  to  meditate  proceeding  to  extremities. 
That  perfection  in  the  mechanic  arts  which  had 
hitherto  formed  our  pride  and  boast,  now  proved 
to  be  our  greatest  enemy.  It  is  thought  that  the 
leaders  of  this  ill-directed  party  meant,  in  truth, 
to  confine  themselves  to  certain  electioneering 
effects ;  but  who  can  stay  the  torrent,  or  avert  the 
current  of  prejudice !  The  stream  was  setting 
against  steam ;  the  whole  invention  of  the  species 
was  put  in  motion ;  and  in  one  year  from  the  pas 
sage  of  the  resolutions  I  have  recited,  mountains 
were  transported,  endless  piles  of  rocks  were 
thrown  into  the  gulf,  arches  were  constructed,  and 
the  hole  of  the  safety-valve  was  hermetically 
sealed.  You  will  form  some  idea  of  the  waste  of 
intelligence  and  energy  on  this  occasion,  when  I 
add,  that  it  was  found,  by  actual  observation,  that 
this  artificial  portion  of  the  earth  was  thicker, 
stronger,  and  more  likely  to  be  durable  than  the 
natural.  So  far  did  infatuation  lead  the  victims, 
that  they  actually  caused  the  whole  region  to  be 
sounded,  and,  having  ascertained  the  precise  local 
ity  of  the  thinnest  portion  of  the  crust,  John  Jaw, 
and  all  the  most  zealous  of  his  followers,  removed 
to  the  spot,  where  they  established  the  seat  of 
their  government  in  triumph.  All  this  time  Nature 
rested  upon  her  arms,  in  the  quiet  of  conscious 
force.  It  was  not  long,  however,  before  our  an 
cestors  began  to  perceive  the  consequences  of  their 
act,  in  the  increase  of  the  cold,  in  the  scarcity  of 
fruits,  and  in  the  rapid  augmentation  of  the  ice. 
The  monikin  enthusiasm  is  easily  awakened  in 
favor  of  any  plausible  theory,  but  it  invariably 
yields  to  physical  pressure.  No  doubt  the  human 


188  THE    MOtflKlNS. 

race,  better  furnished  with  the  material  of  physical 
resistance,  does  not  exhibit  so  much  of  this  weak 
ness,  but " 

"  Do  not  flatter  us  with  the  exception,  Doctor. 
I  find  so  many  points  of  resemblance  between  us, 
that  I  really  begin  to  think  we  must  have  had  the 
same  origin;  and  if  you  would  only  admit  that 
man  is  of  the  secondary  formation  and  the  moni- 
kins  of  the  primary,  I  would  accept  the  whole  ot 
your  philosophy  without  a  moment's  delay." 

"  As  such  an  admission  would  be  contrary  to 
both  fact  and  doctrine,  I  trust,  my  dear  sir,  you 
will  see  the  utter  impossibility  of  a  Professor  in 
the  University  of  Leaphigh  making  the  conces 
sion,  even  in  this  remote  part  of  the  world. — As  I 
was  about  to  observe,  the  people  began  to  betray 
uneasiness  at  the  increasing  and  constant  inclem 
ency  of  the  weather;  and  Mr.  John  Jaw  found  it 
necessary  to  stimulate  their  passions  by  a  new 
development  of  his  principles.  His  friends  and 
partisans  were  all  assembled  in  the  great  square 
of  the  new  capital,  and  the  following  resolutions 
were,  to  use  the  language  of  a  handbill  that  is  still 
preserved  in  the  archives  of  the  Leaphigh  Histo 
rical  Society,  (for  it  would  seem  they  were  printed 
before  they  were  passed,)  "  unanimously,  enthu 
siastically,  and  finally  adopted,"  viz. 

Resolved,  That  this  meeting  has  the  utmost 
contempt  for  steam. 

Resolved,  That  this  meeting  defies  snow,  and 
sterility,  and  all  other  natural  disadvantages. 

Resolved,  That  we  will  live  for  ever. 

Resolved,  That  we  will  henceforward  go  naked, 
as  the  most  effectual  means  of  setting  the  frost  at 
defiance. 


THE    MONIK1NS.  189 

Resolved,  That  we  are  now  over  the  thinnest 
part  of  the  earth's  crust  in  the  polar  regions. 

Resolved,  That  henceforth  we  will  support  no 
monikin  for  any  public  trust,  who  will  not  give  a 
pledge  to  put  out  all  his  fires,  and  to  dispense  with 
cooking  altogether. 

Resolved,  That  we  are  animated  by  the  true 
spirit  of  patriotism,  reason,  good  faith,  and  firm 
ness. 

Resolved,  That  this  meeting  now  adjourn  sine  die. 

"We  are  told  that  the  last  resolution  was  just 
carried  by  acclamation,  when  Nature  arose  in  her 
might,  and  took  ample  vengeance  for  all  her 
wrongs.  The  great  boiler  of  the  earth  burst,  with 
a  tremendous  explosion,  carrying  away,  as  the 
thinnest  part  of  the  workmanship,  not  only  Mr. 
John  Jaw,  and  all  his  partisans,  but  forty  thousand 
square  miles  of  territory.  The  last  that  was  seen 
of  them  was  about  thirty  seconds  after  the  occur 
rence  of  the  explosion,  when  the  whole  mass  dis 
appeared  near  the  northern  horizon,  going  at  a 
rate  a  little  surpassing  that  of  a  cannon-ball  which 
has  just  left  its  gun." 

"  King !"  exclaimed  Noah  ;  "  that  is  what  we 
sailors  call,  to  cut  and  run." 

"  Was  nothing  ever  heard  of  Mr.  Jaw  and  his 
companions,  my  good  Doctor?" 

"  Nothing  that  could  be  depended  on.  Some  of 
our  naturalists  assume  that  the  monkeys  which 
frequent  the  other  parts  of  the  earth  are  their 
descendants,  who,  stunned  by  the  shock,  have  lost 
their  reasoning  powers,  while,  at  the  same  time, 
they  show  glimmerings  of  their  origin.  This  is, 
in  truth,  the  better  opinion  of  our  savans;  and  it 
is  usual  with  us,  to  distinguish  all  the  human  spe 
cies  of  monkeys  by  the  name  of  "  the  lost  moni- 


190  THE    MONIK1NS. 

kins."  Since  my  captivity,  chance  has  thrown 
me  in  the  way  of  several  of  these  animals,  who 
were  equally  under  the  control  of  the  cruel  Sa 
voyards;  and  in  conversing  with  them,  in  order  to 
inquire  into  their  traditions  and  to  trace  the  analo 
gies  of  language,  I  have  been  led  to  think  there  is 
some  foundation  for  the  opinion.  Of  this,  how 
ever,  hereafter." 

"  Pray,  Dr.  Reasono,  what  became  of  the  forty 
thousand  square  miles  of  territory  ?" 

"Of  that,  we  have  a  better  account;  for  one  of 
our  vessels,  which  was  far  to  the  northward,  on  an 
exploring  expedition,  fell  in  with  it  in  longitude  2° 
from  Leaphigh,  latitude  6°  S.,  and  by  her  means 
it  was  ascertained  that  divers  islands  had  been 
already  formed  by  falling  fragments;  and,  judging 
from  the  direction  of  the  main  body  when  last 
seen,  the  fertility  of  that  part  of  the  world,  and 
various  geological  proofs,  we  hold  that  the  great 
western  Archipelago  is  the  deposit  of  the  remain 
der." 

"  And  the  monikin  region,  sir, — what  was  the 
consequence  of  this  phenomenon  to  that  part  of 
the  world  ?" 

"  Awful — sublime — various — and  durable  !  The 
more  important,  or  the  personal  consequences, 
shall  be  mentioned  first.  Fully  one-third  of  the 
monikin  species  was  scalded  to  death.  A  great 
many  contracted  asthmas  and  other  diseases  of 
the  lungs,  by  inhaling  steam.  Most  of  the  bridges 
were  swept  away  by  the  sudden  melting  of  the 
snows,  and  large  stores  of  provisions  were  spoilt 
by  the  unexpected  appearance  and  violent  charac 
ter  of  the  thaw.  These  may  be  enumerated  among 
the  unpleasant  consequences.  Among  the  pleasant, 
we  esteem  a  final  and  agreeable  melioration  of  the 
climate,  which  regained  most  of  its  ancient  char- 


THE   MONPIKINS.  191 

acler,  and  a  rapid  and  distinct  elongation  of  our 
caudce,  by  a  sudden  acquisition  of  wisdom. 

"  The  secondary,  or  the  terrestrial  consequences, 
were  as  follow. — By  the  suddenness  and  force 
with  which  so  much  steam  rushed  into  space,  find 
ing  its  outlet  several  degrees  from  the  pole,  the 
earth  was  canted  from  its  perpendicular  attitude, 
and  remained  fixed  with  its  axis  having  an  inclina 
tion  of  23°  27°°  to  the  plane  of  its  orbit.  At  the 
same  time,  the  orb  began  to  move  in  vacuum,  and, 
restrained  by  antagonist  attractions,  to  perform 
what  is  called  its  annual  revolution." 

"  I  can  very  well  understand,  friend  Reasono," 
observed  Noah,  "  why  the  'arth  should  heel  under 
so  sudden  a  flaw,  though  a  well-ballasted  ship 
would  right  again  when  the  puff  was  over ;  but  I 
cannot  understand  how  a  little  steam  leaking  out 
at  one  end  of  a  craft  should  set  her  a-going  at  the 
rate  we  are  told  this  world  travels  ?" 

"  If  the  escape  of  the  steam  were  constant,  the 
diurnal  motion  giving  it  every  moment  a  new  posi 
tion,  the  earth  would  not  be  propelled  in  its  orbit, 
of  a  certainty,  Captain  Poke ;  but  as,  in  fact,  this 
escape  of  the  steam  has  the  character  of  pulsation, 
being  periodical  and  regular,  nature  has  ordained 
that  it  shall  occur  but  once  in  the  twenty-four  hours, 
and  this  at  such  a  time  as  to  render  its  action  uni 
form,  and  its  impulsion  always  in  the  same  direc 
tion.  The  principle  on  which  the  earth  receives 
this  impetus,  can  be  easily  illustrated  by  a  familiar 
experiment.  Take,  for  instance,  a  double-barrelled 
fowling-piece,  load  both  barrels  with  extra  quan 
tities  of  powder,  introduce  a  ball  and  two  wads 
into  each  barrel,  place  the  breech  within  476^V 
inches  of  the  abdomen,  and  take  care  to  fire  both 
barrels  at  once.  In  this  case,  the  balls  will  give 
an  example  of  the  action  of  the  forty  thousand 


192  THE   HOMKINS. 

square  miles  of  territory,  and  the  person  experi 
menting  will  not  fail  to  imitate  the  impulsion,  or 
the  backward  movement,  of  the  earth." 

"  While  I  do  not  deny  that  such  an  experiment 
would  be  likely  to  set  both  parties  in  motion,  friend 
Reasono,  I  do  not  see  why  the  'arth  should  not  final 
ly  stop,  as  the  man  would  be  sure  to  do,  after  he 
had  got  through  with  hopping,  and  kicking,  and 
swearing." 

"  The  reason  why  the  earth,  once  set  in  motion 
in  vacuum,  does  not  stop,  can  also  be  elucidated 
by  experiment,  as  follows. — Take  Captain  Noah 
Poke,  provided  as  he  is  by  nature  with  legs  and 
the  power  of  motion ;  lead  him  to  the  Place  Fen- 
dome  ;  cause  him  to  pay  three  sous,  which  will  gain 
him  admission  to  the  base  of  the  column  ;  let  him 
ascend  to  the  summit ;  thence  let  him  leap  with  all 
his  energy,  in  a  direction  at  right  angles  with  the 
shaft  of  the  column,  into  the  open  air ;  and  it  will 
be  found  that,  though  the  original  impulsion  would 
not  probably  impel  the  body  more  than  ten  or 
twelve  feet,  motion  would  continue  until  it  had 
reached  the  earth. — Corollary:  hence  it  is  proved, 
that  all  bodies  in  which  the  vis  inertia  has  been 
overcome,  will  continue  in  motion,  until  they  come 
in  contact  with  some  power  capable  of  stopping 
them." 

"  King ! — Do  you  not  think,  Mr.  Reasono,  that  the 
'arth  makes  its  circuit,  as  much  owing  to  this  said 
steam  of  yours  shoving,  as  it  were,  always  a  little 
on  one  side,  acting  thereby  in  some  fashion  as  a 
rudder,  which  causes  her  to  keep  waring,  as  we 
seamen  call  it,  and  as  big  crafts  take  more  room 
than  small  ones  in  waring,  why,  she  is  compelled 
to  run  so  many  millions  of  miles  before,  as  it  might 
be,  she  comes  up  to  the  wind  ag'in  ?  Now,  there 
is  reason  in  such  an  idee ;  whereas,  I  never  could 


THE  MONIKINS.  193 

reconcile  it  to  my  natur',  that  these  little  bits  of 
stars  should  keep  a  craft  like  the  'arth  in  her 
course,  with  such  a  devil  of  a  way  on  her,  as  we 
know  in  reason  she  must  have,  to  run  so  far  in  a 
twelve-month.  Why,  the  smallest  yaw — and,  for 
a  hooker  of  her  keel,  a  thousand  miles  would  n't 
be  a  broader  yaw  than  a  hundred  feet  in  a  ship — 
the  smallest  yaw  would  send  her  aboard  of  the 
Jupiter,  or  the  Marcury,  when  there  would  be  a 
smashing  of  out-board  work  such  as  mortal  never 
before  witnessed !" 

"  We  rather  lean  to  the  opinion  of  the  efficacy 
of  attraction,  sir  ; — nor  do  I  see  that  your  propo 
sition  would  at  all  obviate  your  own  objection." 

"  Then,  sir,  I  will  just  explain  myself.  Let  us 
suppose  there  was  a  steamer  with  a  hundred  miles 
of  keel ;  let  us  suppose  the  steam  up,  and  the  craft 
•with  a  broad  offing ;  let  us  suppose  her  helm  lash'd 
hard  a-port,  and  she  going  at  the  rate  of  ten  thou 
sand  knots  the  hour,  without  bringing  up  or  short 
ening  sail  for  years  at  a  time.  Now,  all  this  being 
admitted,  what  would  be  her  course  ?  Why,  sir, 
any  child  could  tell  you,  she  would  keep  turning 
in  a  circle  of  some  fifty  or  a  hundred  thousand 
miles  in  circumference ;  and  such,  it  appears  to  me, 
it  is  much  more  rational  to  suppose  is  the  natur'  of 
the  'arth's  traversing,  than  all  this  steering-small 
among  stars  and  attractions." 

"  There  is  truly  something  very  plausible,  Cap 
tain  Poke,  in  your  suggestion  ;  and  I  propose  that 
you  shall  profit  by  the  first  occasion  to  lay  your 
opinions  on  the  subject,  more  at  large,  before  the 
Academy  of  Leaphigh." 

"With  all  my  heart,  Doctor;  for  I  hold  that 
knowledge,  like  good  liquor,  is  given  to  be  passed 
round  from  one  to  another,  and  not  to  be  gulped 
in  a  corner  by  any  particular  individle.  And 

VOL.  I.  17 


194  THE    MONIKINS. 

now  I'm  throwing  out  hints  of  this  natur',  I  will 
just  intimate  another,  that  you  may  add  to  your 
next  demonstration,  by  way  of  what  you  call  a 
corollary : — which  is  this, — that  is  to  say — if  all 
you  tell  us  about  the  bursting  of  the  boiler  and  the 
polar  kick  be  true,  then  is  the  'arth  the  first  steam 
boat  that  was  ever  invented,  and  the  boastings  of 
the  French,  and  the  English,  and  the  Spaniards, 
and  the  Italians,  on  this  point,  are  no  more  than 
so  much  smoke." 

"  And  of  the  Americans,  too,  Captain  Poke," 
I  ventured  to  observe. 

"  Why,  Sir  John,  that  is  as  it  may  happen. — I 
don't  well  see  how  Fulton  could  have  stolen  the 
idee,  seeing  that  he  did  not  know  the  Doctor, 
and  most  probably  never  heard  of  Leaphigh  in  his 
life." 

We  all  smiled,  even  to  the  amiable  Chatterissa, 
at  the  nicety  of  the  navigator's  distinctions ;  and 
the  philosopher's  lecture,  in  its  more  didactic 
form,  being  now  virtually  at  an  end,  a  long  and  de 
sultory  conversation  took  place,  in  which  a  multi 
tude  of  ingenious  questions  were  put  by  Captain 
Poke  and  myself,  and  which  were  as  cleverly  an 
swered  by  the  Doctor  and  his  friends. 

At  length,  Dr.  Reasono,  who,  philosopher  as  he 
was,  and  much  as  he  loved  science,  had  not  given 
himself  all  this  trouble,  without  a  view  to  what 
are  called  ulterior  considerations,  came  out  with 
a  frank  expose  of  his  wishes.  Accident  had  appa 
rently  combined  all  the  means  for  gratifying  the 
burning  desire  I  betrayed  to  be  let  into  further  de 
tails  of  the  monikin  polity,  morals,  philosophy,  and 
all  the  other  great  social  interests  of  the  part  of 
the  world  they  inhabit.  I  was  wealthy  beyond 
bounds,  and  the  equipment  of  a  proper  vessel 
would  be  an  expenditure  of  no  moment ;  both  the 


THE   MONIKINS.  195 

Doctor  and  Lord  Chatterino  were  good  practical 
geographers,  after  they  were  once  within  the  pa 
rallel  of  77°  south,  and  Captain  Poke,  according  to 
his  own  account  of  himself,  had  passed  half  his  life 
in  poking  about  among  the  sterile  and  uninhabited 
islands  of  the  frozen  ocean.  What  was  there  to 
prevent  the  most  earnest  wishes  of  all  present 
from  being  gratified  ?  The  CaDtain  was  out  of 
employment,  and  no  doubt  would  be  glad  to  get 
the  command  of  a  good  tight  sea-boat ;  the 
strangers  pined  for  home,  and  it  was  my  most 
ardent  wish  to  increase  my  stake  in  society,  by 
taking  a  further  interest  in  monikins. 

On  this  hint*  I  frankly  made  a  proposal  to  the 
old  sealer,  to  undertake  the  task  of  restoring  these 
amiable  and  enlightened  strangers  to  their  own 
fire-sides  and  families.  The  Captain  soon  began 
to  discover  a  little  of  his  Stunin'tun  propensity; 
for,  the  more  I  pressed  the  matter  on  him,  the 
more  readily  he  found  objections.  The  several 
motives  he  urged  for  declining  the  proposal,  may 
be  succinctly  given  as  follows : — 

It  was  true  that  he  wanted  employment,  but 
then  he  wanted  to  see  Stunin'tun  too ;  he  doubt 
ed  whether  monkeys  would  make  good  sailors;  it 
was  no  joke  to  run  in  among  the  ice,  and  it  might 
be  still  less  of  one  to  find  our  way  back  again  ;  he 
had  seen  the  bodies  of  dead  seals  and  bears  that 
were  frozen  as  hard  as  stone,  and  which  might,  for 
any  thing  he  knew,  have  lain  in  that  state  a  hun 
dred  years,  and,  for  his  part,  he  should  like  to  be 
buried  when  he  was  good  for  nothing  else ;  how 
did  he  know  these  monikins  might  not  catch  the 
men,  when  they  had  once  fairly  got  them  in  their 
country,  and  strip  them,  and  make  them  throw  sum 
mersets,  as  the  Savoyards  had  compelled  the  Doc 
tor,  and  even  the  Lady  Chatterissa ,  to  do  1 — he  knew 


196  THE   MONIKItfS. 

he  should  break  his  neck  the  very  first  flap-jack ; 
if  he  were  ten  years  younger,  perhaps  he  should 
like  the  frolic ;  he  did  not  believe  the  right  sort  of 
craft  could  be  found  in  England,  and,  for  his  part, 
he  liked  sailing  under  the  stars  and  stripes;  he 
didn't  know  but  he  might  go,  if  he  had  a  crew 
of  Stunin'tunners ;  he  always  knew  how  to  get 
along  with  such  people ;  he  could  scare  one  by 
threatening  to  tell  his  marm  how  he  behaved,  and 
bring  another  to  reason  by  hinting  that  the  gals 
would  shy  him,  if  he  wasn't  more  accommodating; 
then  there  might  be  no  such  place  as  Leaphigh, 
after  all;  or,  if  there  was,  he  might  never  find 
it;  as  for  wearing  a  bison-skin  under  the  equa 
tor,  it  was  quite  out  of  the  question,  a  human  skin 
being  a  heavy  load  to  carry  in  the  calm  latitudes ; 
and  finally,  that  he  didn't  exactly  see  what  he  was 
to  get  by  it." 

These  objections  were  met,  one  by  one,  revers 
ing  the  order  in  which  they  were  made,  and  com 
mencing  with  the  last. 

I  offered  a  thousand  pounds  sterling  as  the  re 
ward.  This  proposal  brought  a  gleam  of  satis 
faction  into  Noah's  eyes,  though  he  shook  his  head, 
as  if  he  thought  it  very  little.  It  was  then  sug 
gested  that  there  was  no  doubt  we  should  discover 
certain  islands  that  were  well  stored  with  seals, 
and  that  I  would  waive  all  claims  as  owner,  and 
that  hereafter  he  might  turn  these  discoveries  to 
his  own  private  account.  At  this  bait  he  nibbled, 
and,  at  one  time,  I  thought  he  was  about  to  suffer 
himself  to  be  caught.  But  he  remained  obstinate. 
After  trying  all  our  united  rhetoric,  and  doubling 
the  amount  of  the  pecuniary  offer,  Dr.  Reasono 
luckily  bethought  him  of  the  universal  engine  of 
human  weakness,  and  the  old  sealer,  who  had 
resisted  money — an  influence  of  known  efficacy 


THE   MON1KINS.  197 

at  Stunin'tun — ambition,  the  secret  of  new  sealing 
grounds,  and  all  the  ordinary  inducements  that 
might  be  thought  to  have  weight  with  men  of  his 
class,  was,  in  the  end,  hooked  by  his  own  vanity! 
The  philosopher  cunningly  expatiated  on  the  plea 
sure  there  would  be  in  reading  a  paper  before  the 
academy  of  Leaphigh,  on  the  subject  of  the  captain's 
peculiar  views  touching  the  earth's  annual  revolu 
tion,  and  of  the  virtue  of  sailing  planets  with  their 
helms  lashed  hard-a-port,  when  all  the  dogmatical 
old  navigator's  scruples  melted  away  like  snow  in 
a  thaw. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

A  chapter  of  preparations — Discrimination  in  character — A 
tight  fit,  and  other  conveniences,  with  some  judgment. 

I  SHALL  pass  lightly  over  the  events  of  the  suc 
ceeding  month.  During  this  time,  the  whole  party 
was  transferred  to  England,  a  proper  ship  had  been 
bought  and  equipped,  the  family  of  strangers  were 
put  in  quiet  possession  of  their  cabins,  and  I  had 
made  all  my  arrangements  for  being  absent  from 
England  for  the  next  two  years.  The  vessel  was 
a  stout-built,  comfortable  ship  of  about  three  hun 
dred  tons  burthen,  and  had  been  properly  con 
structed  to  encounter  the  dangers  of  the  ice.  Her 
accommodations  were  suitably  arranged  to  meet 
all  the  exigencies  of  both  monikin  and  human  wants, 
the  apartments  of  the  ladies  being  very  properly 
separated  from  those  of  the  gentlemen,  and  other 
wise  rendered  decorous  and  commodious.  The 
Lady  Chatterissa  very  pleasantly  called  their  pri 
vate  room  the  gynecee,  which,  as  I  afterwards  ascer- 
17* 


198  THE   MONIKINS. 

tained,  was  a  term  for  the  women's  apartments, 
obtained  from  the  Greek,  the  monikins  being  quite 
as  much  addicted  as  we  are  ourselves,  to  showing 
their  acquirements  by  the  introduction  of  words 
from  foreign  tongues. 

Noah  showed  great  care  in  the  selection  of  the 
ship's  company,  the  service  being  known  to  be 
arduous,  and  the  duties  of  a  very  responsible  cha 
racter.  For  this  purpose,  he  made  a  journey  ex 
pressly  to  Liverpool,  (the  ship  lying  in  the  Greenland 
Dock  at  London,)  where  he  was  fortunate  enough 
to  engage  five  Yankees,  as  many  Englishmen,  two 
Norwegians  and  a  Swede,  all  of  whom  had  been 
accustomed  to  cruising  as  near  the  poles  as  ordi 
nary  men  ever  succeed  in  reaching.  He  was  also 
well  suited  in  his  cook  and  mates ;  but  I  observed 
that  he  had  great  difficulty  in  finding  a  cabin-boy 
to  his  mind.  More  than  twenty  applicants  were 
rejected,  some  for  the  want  of  one  qualification,  and 
some  for  the  want  of  another.  As  I  was  present 
at  several  examinations  of  different  candidates  for 
the  office,  I  got  a  little  insight  into  his  manner  of 
ascertaining  their  respective  merits. 

The  invariable  practice  was,  first,  to  place  a  bot 
tle  of  rum,  and  a  pitcher  of  water,  before  the  lad, 
and  to  order  him  to  try  his  hand  at  mixing  a  glass 
of  grog.  Four  applicants  were  incontinently  rejected 
for  manifesting  a  natural  inaptitude  at  hitting  the 
juste  milieu,  in  this  important  part  of  the  duty  of  a 
cabin-boy.  Most  of  the  candidates,  however,  were 
reasonably  expert  in  the  art ;  and  the  captain  soon 
came  to  the  next  requisite,  which  was,  to  say  "  Sir," 
in  a  tone,  as  Noah  expressed  it,  somewhere  be 
tween  the  snap  of  a  steel-trap  and  the  mendicant 
whine  of  a  beggar.  Fourteen  were  rejected  for 
deficiencies  on  this  score,  the  captain  remarking 
that  most  of  them  "  were  the  sa'ciest  blackguards" 
he  had  ever  fallen  in  with.  When  he  had,  at 


I'HE   MONIKINS.  199 

length,  found  one  who  could  mix  a  tumbler  of 
grog,  and  answer  "  Sir,"  to  his  liking,  he  proceeded 
to  make  experiments  on  their  abilities  in  carrying 
a  soup-tureen  over  a  slushed  plank ;  in  wiping  plates 
without  a  napkin,  and  without  using  their  shirt 
sleeves  ;  in  snuffing  candles  with  their  fingers ;  in 
making  a  soft  bed  with  few  materials  besides 
boards;  in  mixing  the  various  compounds  of  burgoo, 
lob-skous,  and  dough,  (which  he  affectedly  pro- 
noufjced  duff) ;  in  fattening  pigs  on  beef-bones,  and 
ducks  on  the  sweepings  of  the  deck ;  in  looking  at 
molasses  without  licking  his  lips;  and  in  various  other 
similar  accomplishments,  which  he  maintained  were 
as  familiar  to  the  children  of  Stunin'tun,  as  their 
singing-books  and  the  ten  commandments.  The 
nineteenth  candidate  to  my  uninstructed  eyes  seemed 
perfect ;  but  Noah  rejected  him  for  the  want  of  a 
quality  that  he  declared  was  indispensable  to  the 
quiet  of  the  ship.  It  appeared  he  was  too  bony 
about  an  essential  part  of  his  anatomy,  a  peculiarity 
that  was  very  dangerous  to  a  captain,  as  he  him 
self  was  once  so  unfortunate  as  to  put  his  great  toe 
out  of  joint,  by  kicking  one  of  these  ill-formed 
youngsters  with  unpremeditated  violence ;  a  thing 
that  was  very  apt  to  happen  to  a  man  in  a  hurry. 
Luckily,  number  twenty  passed,  and  was  imme 
diately  promoted  to  the  vacant  birth.  The  very 
next  day  the  ship  put  to  sea,  in  good  condition,  and 
with  every  prospect  of  a  fortunate  voyage. 

I  will  here  state  that  a  general  election  occurred 
the  week  before  we  sailed  ;  and  I  ran  down  to 
Householder  and  got  myself  returned,  in  order  to 
protect  the  interests  of  those  who  had  a  natural 
right  to  look  up  to  me  for  that  small  favor. 

We  discharged  the  pilot  when  we  had  the  Scilly 
Islands  over  the  taffrail,  and  Mr.  Poke  took  com 
mand  of  the  vessel,  in  good  earnest.  Coming  down 


200  THE   MOXiftiV£. 

channel,  he  had  done  little  more  than  rummage 
about  in  the  cabin,  examine  the  lockers,  and  makei 
his  foot  acquainted  with  the  anatomy  of  poor  Bob, 
as  the  cabin-boy  was  called ;  who,  judging  from  the 
amount  of  the  captain's  practice,  was  admirably 
well  suited  for  his  station,  in  the  great  requisite  of 
a  kickee.  But,  the  last  hold  of  the  land  loosened 
by  the  departure  of  the  pilot,  our  navigator  came 
forth  in  his  true  colours,  and  showed  the  stuff  of 
which  he  was  really  made.  The  first  thing  he  did 
was  to  cause  a  pull  to  be  made  on  every  halyard, 
bowline  and  brace  in  the  ship ;  he  then  rattled  off 
both  mates,  in  order  to  show  them  (as  he  afterwards 
told  me  in  confidence)  that  he  was  captain  of  his 
own  vessel ;  gave  the  people  to  understand  he  did 
not  like  to  speak  twice  on  the  same  subject  and  on 
the  same  occasion,  which  he  said  was  a  privilege 
he  very  willingly  left  to  congress-men  and  women ; 
and  then  he  appeared  satisfied  with  himself  and  all 
around  him* 

A  week  after  we  had  taken  our  departure,  I 
ventured  to  ask  Captain  Poke  if  it  might  not  be  well 
enough  to  take  an  observation,  and  to  resort  to 
some  means  in  order  to  know  where  the  ship  was. 
Noah  treated  this  idea  with  great  disrespect.  He 
could  see  no  use  in  wearing  out  quadrants  without 
any  necessity  for  it.  Our  course  was  south,  we 
knew,  for  we  were  bound  to  the  south  pole;  all  we 
had  to  do  was  to  keep  America  on  the  starboard, 
and  Africa  on  the  larboard,  hand.  To  be  sure,  there 
was  something  to  be  said  about  the  trades,  and  a 
little  allowance  to  be  made  for  currents,  now  and 
then ;  but  he  and  the  ship  would  get  to  be  better 
acquainted  before  a  great  while,  and  then  all  would 
go  oh  like  clockwork.  A  few  days  after  this  con 
versation,  I  was  on  deck  just  as  day  dawned,  and  to 
tny  surprise  Noah,  who  was  in  his  birth,  called  out 


THE    MONIKINS.  201 

to  the  mate,  through  the  sky-light,  to  let  him  know 
exactly  how  the  land  bore.  No  one  had  yet  seen 
any  land ;  but  at  this  summons  we  began  to  look 
about  us,  and  sure  enough  there  was  an  island 
dimly  visible  in  the  eastern  board !  Its  position  by 
compass  was  immediately  communicated  to  the 
captain,  who  seemed  well  satisfied  with  the  result. 
Renewing  his  admonition  to  the  officer  of  the  deck 
to  take  care  and  keep  Africa  on  the  larboard  hand, 
he  turned  over  in  his  bed  to  resume  his  nap. 

I  afterwards  understood  from  the  mates,  that  we 
had  made  a  very  capital  fall  upon  the  trades,  and 
that  we  were  getting  on  wonderfully  well,  though 
it  was  quite  as  great  a  mystery  to  them  as  it  was 
to  me,  how  the  captain  could  know  where  the  ship 
was ;  for  he  had  not  touched  his  quadrant,  except 
to  wipe  it  with  a  silk  handkerchief,  since  we  left 
England.  About  a  fortnight  after  we  had  passed 
the  Cape  de  Verds,  Noah  came  on  deck  in  a  great 
rage,  and  began  to  storm  at  the  mate  and  the  man 
at  the  wheel  for  not  keeping  the  ship  her  course. 
To  this  the  former  answered  with  spirit,  that  the 
only  order  he  had  received  in  a  fortnight,  was  "to 
keep  her  jogging  south,  allowing  for  variation,"  and 
that  she  was  heading  at  that  moment  according  to 
orders.  Hereupon  Noah  gave  Bob,  who  happened 
to  pass  him  just  then,  a  smart  application  a  poste 
riori,  and  swore  "that  the  compass  was  as  big  a  fool 
as  the  mate ;  that  the  ship  was  two  points  off  her 
course ;  that  south  was  hereaway,  and  not  there 
away  ;  that  he  knew  by  the  feel  of  the  wind  that  it 
had  no  northin'  in  it,  and  we  had  got  it  away  on 
the  quarter,  whereas  it  ought  to  be  for'ard  of  the 
beam ;  that  we  were  running  for  Rio  instead  of 
Leaphigh,  and  that  if  we  ever  expected  to  get  to 
the  latter  country,  we  must  haul  up  on  a  good  taut 
bowline."  The  mate,  to  my  surprise,  suddenly  acqui- 


202  THE    MONlKlrfS. 

esced,  and  immediately  brought  the  ship  by  the 
wind.  He  afterwards  told  me,  in  a  half  whisper, 
that  the  second  mate  having  been  sharpening  some 
harpoons,  had  unwittingly  left  them  much  too  close 
to  the  binnacle ;  and  that,  in  fact,  the  magnet  had 
been  attracted  by  them,  so  as  to  deceive  the  man 
at  the  wheel  and  himself,  fully  twenty  degrees  as  to 
the  real  points  of  the  compass.  I  must  say  this 
little  occurrence  greatly  encouraged  me,  leaving 
no  doubt  about  our  eventual  and  safe  arrival  as 
far,  at  least,  as  the  boundary  of  ice  which  separates 
the  human  from  the  monikin  region.  Profiting  by 
this  feeling  of  security,  I  now  began  to  revive  the 
intercourse  with  the  strangers,  which  had  been  par 
tially  interrupted  by  the  novel  and  disagreeable 
circumstances  of  a  sea  life. 

The  Lady  Chatterissa  and  her  companion,  as  is 
much  the  case  with  females  at  sea,  rarely  left  the 
gynece*e;  but,  as  we  drew  near  the  equator,  the  phi 
losopher  and  the  young  peer  passed  most  of  their 
time  on  deck,  or  aloft.  Dr.  Reasono  and  I  spent 
half  of  the  mild  nights  in  discussing  subjects  con 
nected  with  my  future  travels ;  and,  as  soon  as  we 
were  well  clear  of  the  rain  and  the  thunder  and 
lightning  of  the  calm  latitudes,  Captain  Poke, 
Robert,  and  myself,  began  to  study  the  language  of 
Leaphigh.  The  cabin-boy  was  included  in  this 
arrangement,  Noah  intimating  we  should  find  it 
convenient  to  take  him  on  shore  with  us,  since  a 
wish  to  conceal  my  destination  had  induced  me  to 
bring  no  servant  along.  Luckily  for  us,  the  moni 
kin  ingenuity  had  greatly  diminished  the  labor  of 
the  acquisition.  The  whole  language  was  spoken 
and  written  on  a  system  of  decimals,  which  render 
ed  it  particularly  easy,  after  the  elementary  princi 
ples  were  once  acquired.  Thus,  unlike  most  human 
tongues,  in  which  the  rule  usually  forms  the  excep- 


THE   MONIKINS.  203 

tion,  no  departure  from  its  laws  was  ever  allowed, 
under  the  penalty  of  the  pillory.  This  provision, 
the  captain  protested,  was  the  best  rule  of  them  all, 
and  saved  a  vast  deal  of  trouble ;  for,  as  he  knew 
by  experience,  a  man  might  be  a  perfect  adept  in 
the  language  of  Stunin'tun,  and  then  be  laughed  at 
in  New- York  for  his  pains.  The  comprehensive 
ness  of  the  tongue  was  also  another  great  advan 
tage  ;  though,  like  all  other  eminent  advantages  or 
excessive  good,  it  was  the  next-door  neighbor  to  as 
great  an  evil.  Thus,  as  my  Lord  Chatterino  obli 
gingly  explained,  "we -witch -it- me -cum"  means 
"  Mkdam,  I  love  you  from  the  crown  of  my  head 
to  the  tip  of  my  tail ;  and  as  I  love  no  other  half  as 
well,  it  would  make  me  the  happiest  monikin  on 
earth,  if  you  would  consent  to  become  my  wife, 
that  we  might  be  models  of  domestic  propriety 
before  all  eyes,  from  this  time  henceforth  and  for 
ever."  In  short,  it  was  the  usual  and  the  most  solemn 
expression  for  asking  in  marriage;  and,  by  the  laws 
of  the  land,  was  binding  on  the  proposer  until  as 
formally  declined  by  the  other  party.  But,  unluck 
ily,  the  word  "we-switch-it-me-cum,"  means  "Ma 
dam,  I  love  you  from  the  crown  of  my  head  to  the 
tip  of  my  tail ;  and,  if  I  did  not  love  another  better, 
it  would  make  me  the  happiest  monikin  on  earth, 
if  you  would  consent  to  become  my  wife,  that  we 
might  be  models  of  domestic  propriety  before  all 
eyes,  from  this  time  henceforth  and  for  ever." 
Now  this  distinction,  subtle  and  insignificant  as  it 
was  to  the  eye  and  the  ear,  caused  a  vast  deal  of 
heart-burning  and  disappointment  among  the  young 
people  of  Leaphigh.  Several  serious  lawsuits  had 
grown  out  of  this  cause,  and  two  great  political 
parties  had  taken  root  in  the  unfortunate  mistake 
of  a  young  monikin  of  quality,  who  happened  to 
lisp,  and  who  used  the  fatal  word  indiscreetly. 


204  THE   MONIKINS. 

That  feud,  however,  was  now  happily  appeased, 
having  lasted  only  a  century;  but  it  would  be  wise, 
as  we  were  all  three  bachelors,  to  take  note  of  the 
distinction.  Captain  Poke  said  he  thought,  on  the 
whole,  he  was  sufficiently  safe,  as  he  was  much 
accustomed  to  the  use  of  the  word  "switchel;"  but 
he  thought  it  might  be  very  well  to  go  before  some 
consul,  as  soon  as  the  ship  anchored,  and  enter  a 
formal  protest  of  our  ignorance  of  all  these  niceties, 
lest  some  advantage  should  be  taken  of  us  by  the 
reptiles  of  lawyers ;  that  he  in  particular  was  not  a 
bachelor,  and  that  Miss  Poke  would  be  as  furious 
as  a  hurricane,  if,  by  an  accident,  he  should  happen 
to  forget  himself.  The  matter  was  deferred  for 
future  deliberation. 

About  this  time,  too,  I  had  some  more  interesting 
communications  with  Dr.  Reasono,  on  the  subject 
of  the  private  histories  of  all  the  party  of  which  he 
was  the  principal  member.  It  would  seem  that  the 
philosopher,  though  rich  in  learning,  and  the  pro 
prietor  of  one  of  the  best  developed  caudcB  in  the 
entire  monikin  world,  was  poor  in  the  more  vulgar 
attributes  of  monikin  wealth.  While  he  bestowed 
freely,  therefore,  from  the  stores  of  his  philosophy, 
and  through  the  medium  of  the  academy  of  Leap- 
high,  on  all  his  fellows,  he  was  obliged  to  seek  an 
especial  recipient  for  his  surplus  knowledge,  in  the 
shape  of  a  pupil,  in  order  to  provide  for  the  small 
remains  of  the  animal  that  still  lingered  in  his  habits. 
Lord  Chatterino,  the  orphan  heritor  of  one  of  the 
noblest  and  wealthiest,  as  well  as  one  of  the  most 
ancient  houses  of  Leaphigh,  had  been  put  under  his 
instruction  at  a  very  tender  age,  as  had  my  Lady 
Chatterissa  under  that  of  Mrs.  Lynx,  with  very 
much  the  same  objects.  This  young  and  accom 
plished  pair  had  early  distinguished  each  other,  in 
monikin  society,  for  their  unusual  graces  of  person, 
general  attainments,  mutual  amiableness  of  disposi- 


THE    MONIKINS.  205 

tion,  harmony  of  thought,  and  soundness  of  princi 
ples.  Every  thing  was  propitious  to  the  gentle 
flame  which  was  kindled  in  the  vestal  bosom  of 
Chatterissa,  and  which  was  met  by  a  passion  so 
ardent,  and  so  respectful,  as  that  which  glowed  in 
the  heart  of  young  No.  8  purple.  The  friends  of  the 
respective  parties,  so  soon  as  the  budding  sympathy 
between  them  was  observed,  in  order  to  prevent 
the  blight  of  wishes  so  appropriate,  had  called  in 
the  aid  of  the  matrimonial  surveyor-general  of 
Leaphigh,  an  officer  especially  appointed  by  the 
king  in  council,  whose  duty  it  is  to  take  cognizance 
of  the  proprieties  of  all  engagements  that  are  likely 
to  assume  a  character  as  grave  and  durable  as  that 
of  marriage.  Dr.  Reasono  showed  me  the  certifi 
cate  issued  from  the  Marriage  Department  on  this 
occasion,  and  which,  in  all  his  wanderings,  he  had 
contrived  to  conceal  within  the  lining  of  the  Span 
ish  hat  the  Savoyards  had  compelled  him  to  wear, 
and  which  he  still  preserved  as  a  document  that 
was  absolutely  indispensable  on  his  return  to  Leap- 
high;  else  he  would  never  be'permitted  to  travel  a 
foot  in  company  with  two  young  people  of  birth 
and  of  good  estates,  who  were  of  the  different  sexes. 
I  translate  the  certificate,  as  literally  as  the  poverty 
of  the  English  language  will  allow. 

EXTRACT  from  the  Book  of  Fitness,  Marriage  De 
partment,  Leaphigh,  season  of  nuts,  day  of 
brightness. 

Vol.  7243,  p.  82. 

Lord  Chatterino:  Domains;  126,952J  acres  of 
land ;  meadow,  arable  and  wood  in  just  proportions. 

Lady  Chatterissa:  Domains;  11 5,999  J  acres  of 
land ;  mostly  arable. 

Decree,  as  of  record ;  it  is  found  that  the  lands 

VOL.  I.  18 


206  THE   MONIKINS. 

of  my  Lady  Chatterissa  possess  in  quality  what 
they  want  in  quantity. 

Lord  Chatterino :  Birth ;  sixteen  descents  pure ; 
one  bastardy — four  descents  pure — a  suspicion — 
one  descent  pure — a  certainty. 

Lady  Chatterissa:  Birth;  six  descents  pure — 
three  bastardies — eleven  descents  pure — a  cer 
tainty — a  suspicion — unknown. 

Decree  as  of  record ;  it  is  found  that  the  advan 
tage  is  on  the  side  of  my  Lord  Chatterino,  but  the 
excellence  of  the  estate  on  the  other  side  is  believed 
to  equalize  the  parties. 

(Signed)  No.  6  ermine.  A  true  copy, 

(Counter  signed)          No.  1,000,003  ink-color. 

Ordered,  that  the  parties  make  the  Journey  of 
Trial  together,  under  the  charge  of  Socrates  Rea- 
sono,  Professor  of  Probabilities  in  the  University 
of  Leaphigh,  L.  L.  D.,  F.  U.  D.  G.  E.,  and  of  Mrs. 
Vigilance  Lynx,  licensed  duenna. 

The  Journey  of  Trial  is  so  peculiar  to  the  moni- 
kin  system,  and  it  might  be  so  usefully  introduced 
into  our  own,  that  it  may  be  well  to  explain  it. 
Whenever  it  is  found  that  a  young  couple  are 
agreeable  (to  use  a  peculiarly  anglicized  angli- 
cism),  in  all  the  more  essential  requisites  of  matri 
mony,  they  are  sent  on  the  journey  in  question, 
under  the  care  of  prudent  and  experienced  mentors, 
with  a  view  to  ascertain  how  far  they  may  be  able  to 
support,  in  each  other's  society,  the  ordinary  vicissi 
tudes  of  life.  In  the  case  of  candidates  of  the  more  vul 
gar  classes,  there  are  official  overseers,  who  usually 
drag  them  through  a  few  mud-puddles,  and  then 
set  them  to  work  at  some  hard  labor  that  is  espe 
cially  profitable  to  the  public  functionaries,  who 
commonly  get  the  greater  part  of  their  own  year's 
work  done  in  this  manner.  But,  as  the  moral  pro- 


THE   MONIKINS.  207 

visions  of  all  laws  are  invented  less  for  those  who 
own  1 26,952  J  acres  of  land,  divided  into  meadow, 
arable  and  wood,  in  just  proportions,  than  for  those 
whdse  virtues  are  more  likely  to  yield  to  the  fiery 
ordeal  of  temptation,  the  rich  and  noble,  after 
making  a  proper  and  useful  manifestation  of  their 
compliance  with  the  usage,  ordinarily  retire  to 
their  country-seats,  where  they  pass  the  period  of 
probation  as  agreeably  as  they  can ;  taking  care 
to  cause  to  be  inserted  in  the  Leaphigh  gazette, 
however,  occasional  extracts  from  their  letters, 
describing  the  pains  and  hardships  they  are  com 
pelled  to  endure,  for  the  consolation  and  edification 
of  those  who  have  neither  birth  nor  country-houses. 
In  a  good  many  instances  the  journey  is  actually 
performed  by  proxy.  But  the  case  of  my  Lord 
Chatterino  and  my  Lady  Chatterissa  formed  an 
exception  even  to  these  exceptions.  It  was  thought 
by  the  authorities,  that  the  attachment  of  a  pair  so 
illustrious  offered  a  good  occasion  to  distinguish  the 
Leaphigh  impartiality ;  and,  on  the  well-known 
principle  which  induces  us  sometimes  to  hang  an 
Earl  in  England,  the  young  couple  was  command 
ed  actually  to  go  forth  with  all  useful  6clat,  (secret 
orders  being  given  to  their  guardians  to  allow 
every  possible  indulgence,  at  the  same  time,)  in 
order  that  the  lieges  might  see  and  exult  in  the 
sternness  and  integrity  of  their  rulers. 

Dr.  Reasono  had  accordingly  taken  his  depar 
ture  from  the  capital  for  the  mountains,  where  he 
instructed  his  wards  in  a  practical  commentary  on 
the  ups  and  downs  of  life,  by  exposing  them  on  the 
verges  of  precipices  and  in  the  delights  of  the  most 
fertile  valleys,  (which,  as  he  justly  observed,  was 
the  greater  danger  of  the  two,)  leading  them  over 
flinty  paths,  hungry  and  cold,  in  order  to  try  their 
tempers;  and  setting  up  establishments  with  the 


208  THE    MONIK1NS. 

most  awkward  peasants  for  servants,  to  ascertain 
the  depth  of  Chatterissa's  philosophy ;  with  a  vari 
ety  of  similar  ingenious  devices,  that  will  readily 
suggest  themselves  to  all  who  have  any  matrimo 
nial  experience,  whether  they  live  in  palaces  or 
cottages.    When  this  part  of  the  trial  was  success 
fully  terminated,  (the  result  having  shown  that  the 
gentle  Chatterissa  was  of  proof,  so  far  as  mere  tem 
per  was  concerned,)  the  whole  party  was  ordered 
off  to  the  barrier  of  ice,  which  divides  the  monikin 
from  the  human  region,  \vith  a  view  to  ascertain 
whether  the  warmth  of  their  attachment  was  of  a 
nature  likely  to  resist  the  freezing  collisions  of  the 
world.     Here,  unfortunately,  (for  the  truth  must  be 
said,)  an  unlucky  desire  of  Dr.  Reasono,  who  was 
already  F.  U.  D.  G.  E.,  but  who  had  a  devouring 
ambition  to  become  also  M.O.R.E.,  led  him  into  the 
extreme  imprudence  of  pushing  through  an  opening, 
where  he  had  formerly  discovered  an  island,  on  an 
ancient  expedition  of  the  same  sort ;  and  on  which 
island  he  thought  he  saw  a  rock,  that  formed  a 
stratum  of  what  he  believed  to  be  a  portion  of  the 
43,000   square  miles,  that  were  discomposed   by 
the  great  eruption  of  the  earth's  boiler.     The  phi 
losopher  foresaw  a  thousand  interesting  results  that 
were  dependent  on  the  ascertaining  of  this  impor 
tant  fact;  for  all  the  learning  of  Leaphigh  having 
been  exhausted,  some  five  hundred  years  before,  in 
establishing  the  greatest  distance  to  which  any  frag 
ment  had  been  thrown  on  that  memorable  occasion, 
great  attention  had  latterly  been  given  to  the  dis 
covery  of  the  least  distance  any  fragment  had  been 
hurled.  Perhaps  I  ought  to  speak  tenderly  of  the  con 
sequences  of  a  learned  zeal,  but  it  was  entirely  owing 
to  this  indiscretion  that  the  whole  party  fell  into  the 
hands  of  certain  mariners  who  were  sealing  on  the 
northern  shores  of  this  very  island,  (friends  and 


TPHE   MOtflKltfS.  209 

neighbours,  as  it  afterwards  appeared,  of  Captain 
Poke,)  who  remorselessly  seized  upon  the  travellers, 
and  sold  them  to  a  homeward-bound  Indiaman, 
which  they  afterwards  fell  in  with,  near  the  island 
of  St.  Helena — St.  Helena!  the  tomb  of  him  who  is 
a  model  to  all  posterity,  for  the  moderation  of  his 
desires,  the  simplicity  of  his  character,  a  deep  vene 
ration  for  truth,  profound  reverence  for  justice, 
unwavering  faith,  and  a  clear  appreciation  of  all 
the  nobler  virtues !  /.  * ::; 

We  came  in  sight  of  the  island  in  question,  just 
as  Dr.  Reasono  concluded  his  interesting  narrative; 
and,  turning  to  Captain  Poke,  I  solemnly  asked 
that  discerning  and  shrewd  .seaman,— 

"If  he  did  not  think  the  future  would  fully 
avenge  itself  of  the  past — if  history  would  not  do 
ample  justice  to  the  mighty  dead — if  certain  names 
would  not  be  consigned  to  everlasting  infamy  for 
chaining  a  hero  to  a  rock;  and  whether  his  country, 
the  land  of  freemen,  would  ever  have  disgraced 
itself,  by  such  an-act  of  barbarism  and  vengeance?" 

The  Captain  heard  me  very  calmly;  then  de 
liberately  helping  himself  to  some  tobacco,  he 
replied : — 

"Harkee,  Sir  John.  At  Stunin'tun,  when  we 
catch  a  ferocious  crittur',  we  always  put  it  in  a  cage. 
I'm  no  great  mathematician,  as  I've  often  told  you; 
but  if  my  dog  bites  me  once,  I  kick  him — twice,  I 
beat  him — thrice,  I  chain  him." 

Alas ! — there  are  minds  so  unfortunately  consti 
tuted,  that  they  have  no  sympathies  with  the  sub 
lime.  All  their  tendencies  are  direct  and  common 
sense-like.  To  such  men,  Napoleon  appears  little 
better  than  one  who  lived  among  his  fellows  more 
in  the  character  of  a  tiger  than  in  that  of  a  man. 
They  condemn  him  because  he  could  not  reduce 
his  own  sense  of  the  attributes  of  greatness  to  the 
18* 


210  THE   MONIK1NS. 

level  of  their  homebred  morality.  Among  this 
number,  it  would  now  seem,  was  to  be  classed 
Captain  Noah  Poke. 

A  wish  to  relate  the  manner  in  which  Dr. 
Reasono  and  his  companions  fell  into  human 
hands,  has  caused  me  to  overlook  one  or  two 
matters  of  lighter  moment,  that  should  not,  in 
justice  to  myself,  however,  be  entirely  omitted. 

When  we  had  been  at  sea  two  days,  a  very 
agreeable  surprise  for  the  monikin  party,  was 
prepared  and  executed.  I  had  caused  a  certain 
number  of  jackets  and  trowsers  to  be  made  of 
the  skins  of  different  animals,  such  as  dogs,  cats, 
sheep,  tigers,  leopards,  hogs,  &c.  &c.,  with  the 
proper  accompaniments  of  snouts,  hoofs,  and 
claws ;  and,  when  the  ladies  came  on  deck,  after 
breakfast,  their  eyes  were  no  longer  offended  by 
our  rude  innovations  upon  nature,  but  the  whole 
crew  were  flying  about  the  rigging,  like  so  many 
animals  of  the  different  species  named.  Noah 
and  myself  appeared  in  the  characters  of  sea-lions, 
the  former  having  intimated  that  he  understood  the 
nature  of  that  beast  better  than  any  other.  Of 
course,  this  delicate  attention  was  properly  appre 
ciated,  and  handsomely  acknowledged. 

I  had  taken  the  precaution  to  order  imitation- 
skins  to  be  made  of  cotton,  which  were  worn  in 
the  low  latitudes;  and,  as  we  got  near  the  Falk 
land  Islands,  the  real  skins  were  resumed,  with 
promptitude,  and  I  might  add,  with  pleasure. 

Noah  had,  at  first,  raised  some  strong  objec 
tions  to  the  scheme,  saying  that  he  should  not  feel 
safe  in  a  ship  manned  and  officered  altogether  by 
wild  beasts;  but,  at  last,  he  came  to  enjoy  the 
thing  as  a  good  joke,  never  failing  to  hail  the  men, 
not  by  their  names  as  formerly,  but,  as  he  ex 
pressed  it  himself,  "  by  their  natur's ;"  calling  out 


THE    MONIKINS.  211 

"  You  cat,  scatch  this ;"  "  You  tiger,  jump  here ;" 
"  You  hog,  out  of  that  dirt ;"  "  You  dog,  scamper 
there;"  "You  horse,  haul  away,"  and  divers  other 
similar  conceits,  that  singularly  tickled  his  fancy. 
The  men  themselves  took  up  the  ball,  which  they 
kept  rolling,  embellished  with  all  sorts  of  nautical 
witticisms ;  their  surname — they  had  but  one, 
viz.  Smith — being  entirely  dropped  for  the  new 
appellations.  Thus,  the  sounds  of  "Tom  Dog," 
"Jack  Cat,"  "Bill  Tiger,"  "Sam  Hog,"  and 
"  Dick  Horse,"  were  flying  about  the  decks,  from 
morning  to  night. 

Good  humour  is  a  great  alleviator  of  bodily 
privation.  From  the  time  the  ship  lost  sight  of 
Staten  Land,  we  had  heavy  weather,  with  hard 
gales  from  the  southward  and  westward ;  and  we 
had  the  utmost  difficulty  in  making  our  southing. 
Observations  now  became  a  very  difficult  matter, 
the  sun  being  invisible  for  a  week  at  a  time.  The 
marine  instinct  of  Noah,  at  this  crisis,  was  of  the 
last  importance  to  all  on  board.  He  gave  us  the 
cheering  assurance,  however,  from  time  to  time, 
that  we  were  going  south,  although  the  mates 
declared  that  they  knew  not  where  the  ship  was, 
or  whither  she  was  running ;  neither  sun,  moon,  nor 
star  having  now  been  seen  for  more  than  a  week. 

We  had  been  in  this  state  of  anxiety  and  doubt 
for  about  a  fortnight,  when  Captain  Poke  suddenly 
appeared  on  deck,  and  called  for  the  cabin-boy, 
in  his  usual  stentorian  and  no-denial  voice,  by  the 
name  of  "  You  Bob  Ape ;"  for  the  duty  of  Robert 
requiring  that  he  should  be  much  about  the  persons 
of  the  monikins,  I  had  given  him  a  dress  of  apes' 
skins,  as  a  garb  that  would  be  more  congenial  to 
their  tastes  than  that  of  a  pig,  or  a  weasel.  Bob 
Ape  was  soon  forthcoming,  and,  as  he  approached 
his  master,  he  quietly  turned  his  face  from  him, 


212  TflE    MONIKItfS. 

receiving,  as  a  matter  of  course,  three  or  four 
smart  admonitory  hints,  by  way  of  letting  him 
know  that  he  was  to  be  active  in  the  performance 
of  the  duty  on  which  he  was  about  to  be  sent. 
On  this  occasion  I  made  an  odd  discovery.  Bob 
had  profited  by  the  dimensions  of  his  lower  gar 
ment,  which  had  been  cut  for  a  much  larger 
boy,  (one  of  those  who  had  broken  down  in  essay 
ing  the  true  Doric  of  "  Sir,")  by  stuffing  it  with 
an  old  union-jack — a  sort  of  "  sarvice,"  as  he 
afterwards  told  rne,  that  saved  him  a  good  deal 
of  wear  and  tear  of  skin.  To  return  to  passing 
events,  however:  when  Robert  had  been  duly  kick 
ed,  he  turned  about  manfully,  and  demanded  the 
captain's  pleasure.  He  was  told  to  bring  the  largest 
and  the  fairest  pumpkin  he  could  find,  from  the 
private  stores  of  Mr.  Poke,  that  navigator  never 
going  to  sea  without  a  store  of  articles,  that  he 
termed  "  Stunin'tun  food."  The  Captain  took  the 
pumpkin  between  his  legs,  and  carefully  peeled  off 
the  whole  of  its  greenish-yellow  coat,  leaving  it  a 
globe  of  a  whitish  colour.  He  then  asked  for  the 
tar-bucket;  and,  with  his  fingers,  traced  various 
marks,  which  were  pretty  accurate  outlines  of  the 
different  continents  and  the  larger  islands  of  the 
world.  The  region  near  the  south  pole,  however, 
he  left  untouched ;  intimating  that  it  contained 
certain  sealing  islands,  which  he  considered  pretty 
much  as  the  private  property  of  the  Stunin'tunners. 
"Now,  Doctor,"  he  said,  pointing  to  the  pump 
kin,  "  there  is  the  'arth,  and  here  is  the  tar-pot — 
just  mark  down  the  position  of  your  island  of 
Leaphigh,  if  you  please,  according  to  the  best 
accounts  your  academy  has  of  the  matter.  Make 
a  dab,  here  and  there,  if  you  happen  to  know  of 
any  rocks  and  shoals.  After  that,  you  can  lay 
down  the  island  where  you  were  captured,  giving 


THE    MONIKINS.  213 

a  general  idee  of  its  headlands  and  of  the  trending 
of  the  coast.'* 

Dr.  Reasono  took  a  fidd,  and  with  its  end  he 
traced  all  the  desired  objects  with  great  readiness 
and  skill.  Noah  examined  the  work,  and  seemed 
satisfied  that  he  had  fallen  into  the  hands  of  a 
monikin  who  had  very  correct  notions  of  bearings 
and  distances,  one,  in  short,  on  whose  local  know- 
edge  it  might  do  to  run  even  in  the  night.  He 
then  projected  the  position  of  Stunin'tun,  an  occu 
pation  in  which  he  took  great  delight,  actually 
designing  the  meeting-house  and  the  principal 
tavern;  after  which,  the  chart  was  laid  aside. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

How  to  steer  small — How  to  run  the  gauntlet  with  a  ship — 
How  to  go  clear — A  new-fashioned  screw-dock,  and  certain 
mile-stones. 

CAPTAIN  POKE  no  longer  deliberated  about  the 
course  we  were  to  steer.  With  his  pumpkin  for 
a  chart,  his  instinct  for  an  observation,  and  his 
nose  for  a  compass,  the  sturdy  sealer  stood  boldly 
to  the  southward;  or,  at  least,  he  ran  dead  before  a 
stiff  gale,  which,  as  he  more  than  once  affirmed, 
was  as  true  a  norther  as  if  bred  and  born  in  the 
Canadas. 

After  coursing  over  the  billows,  at  a  tremendous 
rate,  for  a  day  and  a  night,  the  Captain  appeared 
on  deck,  with  a  face  of  unusual  meaning,  and  a 
mind  loaded  with  its  own  reflections,  as  was 
proved  by  his  winking  knowingly  whenever  he 
delivered  himself  of  a  sentiment ;  a.  habit  that  he 


214  THE   MONIKINS. 

had  most  probably  contracted,  in  early  youth,  at 
Stunin'tun,  for  it  seemed  to  be  quite  as  inveterate 
as  it  was  thorough-bred. 

"  We  shall  soon  know,  Sir  John,"  he  observed, 
hitching  the  sea-lion  skin  into  symmetry,  "whether 
it' is  sink  or  swim  !" 

"  Pray  explain  yourself,  Mr.  Poke,"  cried  I,  in 
a  little  alarm.  "  If  any  thing  serious  is  to  happen, 
you  are  bound  to  give  timely  notice." 

"Death  is  always  untimely  to  some  crittur's,  Sir 
John." 

"  Am  I  to  understand,  sir,  that  you  mean  to  cast 
away  the  ship  ?" 

"  Not  if  I  can  help  it,  Sir  John ;  but  a  craft  that 
is  foreordained  to  be  a  wrack,  will  be  a  wrack,  in 
spite  of  reefing  and  bracing.  Look  ahead,  you 
Dick  Lion — ay,  there  you  have  it !" 

There  we  had  it,  sure  enough !  I  can  only 
compare  the  scene  which  now  met  my  eyes,  to  a 
sudden  view  of  the  range  of  the  Oberland  Alps, 
when  the  spectator  is  unexpectedly  placed  on  the 
verge  of  the  precipice  of  the  Weissenstein.  There 
he  would  see  before  him  a  boundless  barrier  of 
glittering  ice,  broken  into  the  glorious  and  fantas 
tic  forms  of  pinnacles,  walls  and  valleys ;  while 
here,  we  saw  all  that  was  sublime  in  such  a  view, 
heightened  by  the  fearful  action  of  the  boisterous 
ocean,  which  beat  upon  the  impassable  boundary, 
in  ceaseless  violence. 

"  Good  God !  Captain  Poke,"  I  exclaimed,  the 
instant  I  caught  a  glimpse  of  the  formidable  dan 
ger  that  menaced  us,  "  you  surely  do  not  mean  to 
continue  madly  on,  with  such  a  warning  of  the 
consequences  in  plain  view  ?" 

"  What  would  you  have,  Sir  John  ?  Leaphigh 
lies  on  the  t'other  side  of  these  ice-islands  ?" 

"  But  you  need  not  run  the  ship  against  them — 
why  not  go  round  them?5 


THE   MONIKINS.  215 

"  Because  they  go  round  the  'arth,  in  this  lati 
tude.  Now  is  the  time  to  speak,  Sir  John.  If  we 
are  bound  to  Leaphigh,  we  have  the  choice  of 
three  pretty  desperate  chances ;  to  go  through,  to 
go  under,  or  to  go  over  that  there  ice.  If  we  are 
to  put  back,  there  is  not  a  moment  to  lose,  for  it 
may  be  even  now  questioned  whether  the  ship 
would  claw  off,  as  we  are,  with  a  sending  sea, 
and  this  heavy  norther." 

I  believe  I  would,  at  that  moment,  gladly  have 
given  up  all  my  social  stakes  to  be  well  rid  of  the 
adventure.  Still  pride,  that  substitute  for  so  many 
virtues,  the  greatest  and  the  most  potent  of  all 
hypocrites,  forbade  my  betraying  the  desire  to 
retreat.  I  deliberated,  while  the  ship  flew ;  and 
when,  at  length,  I  turned  to  the  captain  to  suggest 
a  doubt  that  might,  at  an  earlier  notice,  possibly 
have  changed  the  whole  aspect  of  affairs,  he  blunt 
ly  told  me  it  was  too  late.  It  was  safer  to  proceed 
than  to  return,  if,  indeed,  return  were  possible,  in 
the  present  state  of  the  winds  and  waves.  Making 
a  merit  of  necessity,  I  braced  my  nerves  to  meet 
the  crisis,  and  remained  a  submissive,  and,  appa 
rently,  a  calm  spectator,  of  that  which  followed. 

The  Walrus,  (such  was  the  name  of  our  good 
ship,)  by  this  time,  was  under  easy  canvas,  and 
yet,  urged  by  the  gale,  she  rolled  down,  with 
alarming  velocity,  towards  the  boundary  of  foam, 
where  the  congealed  and  the  still  liquid  element 
held  their  strife.  The  summits  of  the  frozen  crags 
waved  in  their  glittering  glory,  in  a  way  just  to- 
show  that  they  were  afloat ;  and  I  remembered 
to  have  heard  that,  at  times,  as  their  bases  melted, 
entire  mountains  had  been  known  to  roll  over, 
engulphing  all  that  lay  beneath.  To  me  it  seemed 
but  a  moment,  before  the  ship  was  fairly  over 
shadowed  by  these  shining  cliffs,  which  gently 
undulating,  waved  their  frozen  summits  nearly  a 


216  THE   MONIKWS. 

thousand  feet  in  air.  I  looked  at  Noah,  in  alarm, 
for  it  appeared  to  me,  that  he  intentionally  precipi 
tated  us  to  destruction.  But,  just  as  I  was  about 
to  remonstrate,  he  made  a  sign  with  his  hand,  and 
the  vessel  was  brought  to  the  wind.  Still  retreat 
was  impossible  ;  for  the  heave  of  the  sea  was  too 
powerful,  and  the  wind  too  heavy,  to  leave  us  any 
hope  of  long  keeping  the  Walrus  from  drifting 
down  upon  the  ragged  peaks  that  bristled  in  icy 
glory  to  leeward.  Nor  did  Captain  Poke,  him 
self,  seem  to  entertain  any  such  design  ;  for,  instead 
of  hugging  the  gale,  in  order  to  haul  oft'  from  the 
danger,  he  had  caused  the  yards  to  be  laid  perfectly 
square,  and  we  were  now  running,  at  a  great  rate, 
in  a  line  nearly  parallel  with  the  frozen  coast, 
though  gradually  setting  upon  it. 

"  Keep  full !  Let  her  go  through  water,  you  Jim 
Tiger,"  said  the  old  sealer,  whose  professional  ardor 
was  fairly  aroused.  "  Now,  Sir  John,  unluckily,  we 
are  on  the  wrong  side  of  these  ice-mountains,  for 
the  plain  reason,  that  Leaphigh  lies  to  the  south'ard 
of  them.  We  must  be  stirring,  therefore,  for  no 
craft  that  was  ever  launched  could  keep  off  these 
crags,  with  such  a  gale  driving  home  upon  them, 
for  more  than  an  hour  or  two.  Our  great  concern, 
at  present,  is  to  look  out  for  a  hole  to  run  into." 

"  Why  have  you  come  so  close  to  the  danger, 
with  your  knowledge  of  the  consequences  ?" 

"  To  own  the  truth,  Sir  John,  natur^  is  natur', 
and  I'm  getting  to  be  a  little  near-sighted  as  I  grow 
old ;  besides,  I'm  not  so  sartain  that  danger  is  the 
more  dangerous,  for  taking  a  good  steady  look 
plump  in  its  face." 

Noah  raised  his  hand,  as  much  as  to  say  he 
wished  no  answer,  and  both  of  us  were  immedi 
ately  occupied  in  gazing  anxiously  to  leeward.  The 
ship  was  just  opening  a  small  cove  in  the  ice,  which 


THE    MONIKINS.  217 

might  have  been  a  cable's  length  in  depth  and  a 
quarter  of  a  mile  across  its  outer,  or  the  widest, 
part.  Its  form  was  regular,  being  that  of  a  semi 
circle  ;  but,  at  its  bottom,  the  ice,  instead  of  form 
ing  a  continued  barrier,  like  all  the  rest  we  had 
yet  passed,  was  separated  by  a  narrow  opening, 
that  was  bounded  on  each  side  by  a  frowning  pre 
cipice.  The  two  bergs  were  evidently  drawing 
nearer  to  each  other,  but  there  was  still  a  strait, 
or  a  watery  gorge  between  them,  of  some  two 
hundred  feet  in  width.  As  the  ship  plunged  on 
ward,  the  pass  was  opened,  and  we  caught  a 
glimpse  of  the  distant  view  to  leeward.  It  was 
merely  a  glimpse — the  impatient  Walrus  allowing 
us  but  a  moment  for  examination, — but  it  appeared 
sufficient  for  the  purposes  of  the  old  sealer.  We 
were  already  across  the  mouth  of  the  cove,  and 
within  a  cable's  length  of  the  ice  again ;  for  as  we 
drew  near  what  may  be  called  the  little  cape,  we 
found  ourselves  once  more  in  closer  proximity  to 
the  menacing  mountain.  It  was  a  moment  when 
all  depended  on  decision';  and,  fortunately,  our 
sealer,  who  was  so  wary  and  procrastinating  In  a 
bargain,  never  had  occasion  to  make  two  drafts 
on  his  thoughts,  in  situations  of  emergency.  As 
the  ship  cleared  the  promontory  on  the  eastern 
side  of  the  cove,  we  again  opened  a  curvature  of 
the  ice,  which  gave  a  little  more  water  to  leeward. 
Tacking  was  impossible,  and  the  helm  was  put 
hard-a- weather.  The  bow  of  the  Walrus-  fell  off, 
and  as  she  rose  on  the  next  wave,  I  thought  its 
send  would  carry  us  helplessly  down  upon  the 
berg.  But  the  good  craft,  obedient  to  her  rudder, 
whirled  round,  as  if  sensible  herself  of  the  dan 
ger,  and,  in  less  time  than  I  had  ever  before  known 
her  to  ware,  we  felt  the  wind  on  the  other  quarter. 
Our  cats  and  dogs  bestirred  themselves,  for  there 
'  VOL.  I.  19 


218  THE    MON1KINS. 

was  no  one  there,  Captain  Noah  Poke  excepted, 
whose  heart  did  not  beat  quick  and  hard.  In  much 
less  time  than  usual,  the  yards  were  braced  up  on 
the  other  tack,  and  the  ship  was  ploughing  heavily 
against  the  sea,  with  her  head  to  the  westward. 
It  is  impossible  to  give  one  who  has  never  been  in 
such  a  situation,  a  just  idea  of  the  feverish  impa 
tience,  the  sinking  and  mounting  of  hope,  as  we 
watch  the  crab-like  movement  of  .a  vessel,  that  is 
clawing  off  a  lee  shore,  in  a  gale.  In  the  present 
case,  it  being  well  known  that  the  sea  was  fathom 
less,  we  had  run  so  near  the  danger  that  not  even 
the  smallest  of  its  horrors  was  veiled  from  sight. 

While  the  ship  labored  along,  I  saw  the  clouds 
fast  shutting  in  to  windward,  by  the  interposition 
of  the  promontory  of  ice, — the  certain  sign  that 
our  drift  was  rapid, — and,  as  we  drew  nearer  to 
the  point,  breathing  became  labored  and  even 
audible.  Here  Noah  took  a  chew  of  tobacco,  I 
presume  on  the  principle  of  enjoying  a  last  quid, 
should  the  elements  prove  fatal ;  and  then  he  went 
to  the  wheel  in  person. 

"  Let  her  go  through  the  water,"  he  said,  easing 
the  helm  a  little — "  let  her  jog  ahead,  or  we  shall 
lose  command  of  her  in  this  devil's-pot !" 

The  vessel  felt  the  slight  change,  and  drew 
faster  through  the  foaming  brine,  bringing  us,  with 
increasing  velocity,  nearer  to  the  dreaded  point. 
As  we  came  up  to  the  promontory,  the  water  fell 
back  in  spray  on  the  decks,  and  there  was  an  in 
stant  when  it  appeared  as  if  the  wind  was  about 
to  desert  us.  Happily  the  ship  had  drawn  so  far 
ahead,  as  to  feel  the  good  effects  of  a  slight 
change  of  current  that  was  caused  by  the  air 
rushing  obliquely  into  the  cove ;  and,  as  Noah,  by 
easing  the  helm  still  more,  had  anticipated  this 
alteration,  which  had  been  felt  adversely  but  a 


THE    MONIKINS.  219 

moment  before,  while  struggling  to  the  eastward 
of  the  promontory,  we  drew  swiftly  past  the  icy 
cape,  opening  the  cove  handsomely,  with  the  ship's 
head  falling  off  fast  towards  the  gorge. 

There  was  but  a  minute,  or  two,  for  squaring 
the  yards  and  obtaining  the  proper  position  to 
windward  of  the  narrow  strait.  Instead  of  run- 
niag  down  in  a  direct  line  for  the  latter,  Captain 
Poke  kept  the  ship  on  such  a  course  as  to  lay  it 
well  open,  before  her  head  was  pointed  toward 
the  passage.  By  this  time,  the  two  bergs  had 
drawn  so  near  each  other  as  actually  to  form  an 
arch  across  its  mouth  ;  and  this  too,  at  a  part  so 
low  as  to  render  it  questionable  whether  there 
was  sufficient  elevation  to  permit  the  Walrus  to 
pass  beneath.  But  retreat  was  impossible,  the 
gale  urging  the  ship  furiously  onward.  The  width 
of  the  passage  was  now  but  little  more  than  a 
hundred  feet,  and  it  actually  required  the  nicest 
steerage  to  keep  our  yard-arms  clear  of  the  oppo 
site  precipices,  as.  the  vessel  dashed,  with  foam 
ing  bows,  into  the  gorge.  The  wind  drew  through 
the  opening  with  tremendous  violence,  fairly  howl 
ing,  .as  if  in  delight  at  discovering  a  passage  by 
which  it  might  continue  its  furious  career.  We 
may  have  been  aided  by  the  sucking  of  the  wind 
and  the  waves,  both  of  which  were  irresistibly 
drawn  towards  the  pass,  or  it  is  quite  probable 
that  the  skill  of  Captain  Poke  did  us  good  service, 
on  this  awful  occasion;  but,  owing  to  the  one 
or  the  other,  or  to  the  two  causes  united,  the 
Walrus  shot  into,  the  gorge*  so  accurately,  as  to 
avoid  touching  either  of  the  lateral  margins  of  the 
ice.  We  were  not  so  fortunate,  however,  with 
the  loftier  spars ;  for,"  scarcely  was  the  vessel  be 
neath  the  arch,  when  she  lifted  on  a  swell,  and 
her  main-top-gallant-mast  snapped  off  in  the  cap. 


220  THE    MONIKIJT9. 

The  ice  groaned  and  cracked  over  our  heads; 
and  large  fragments  fell  both  ahead  and  astern  of 
us,  several  of  them  even  tumbling  upon  our  decks. 
One  large  piece  came  down  within  an  inch  of  the 
extremity  of  Dr.  Reasono's  tail,  just  escaping  the 
dire  calamity  of  knocking  out  the  brains  of  that 
profound  and  philo-monikin  philosopher.  In  another 
instant,  the  ship  was  through  the  pass,  which  com 
pletely  closed,  with  the  crash  of  an  earthquake,  as 
soon  as  possible  afterwards. 

Still  driven  by  the  gale,  we  ran  rapidly  towards 
the  south,  along  a  channel  less  than  a  quarter  of  a 
mile  in  width,  the  bergs  evidently  closing  on  each 
side  of  us,  and  the  ship,  as  if  conscious  of  her  jeo 
pardy,  doing  her  utmost,  with  Captain  Poke  still  at 
the  wheel.  In  little  more  than  an  hour,  the  worst 
was  over;  the  Walrus  issuing  into  an  open  basin 
of  several  leagues  in  extent,  which  was,  however, 
completely  encircled  by  the  frozen  mountains. 
Here  Noah  took  a  look  at  the  pumpkin,  after  which 
he  made  no  ceremony  in  plumply  telling  Dr.  Rea- 
sono  that  he  had  been  greatly  mistaken  in  laying 
down  the  position  of  Captivity  Island,  as  he  him 
self  had  named  the  spot  where  the  amiable  stran 
gers  had  fallen  into  human  hands.  The  philosopher 
was  a  little  tenacious  of  his  opinion ;  but  what  is 
argument  in  the  face  of  facts  ?  Here  was  the  pump 
kin,  and  there  were  the  blue  waters!  The  Captain 
now  quite  frankly  declared  that  he  had  great  doubts 
whether  there  was  any  such  place  as  Leaphigh  at 
all ;  and  as  the  ship  had  a  capital  position  for  such 
an  object,  he  bluntly,  though  privately,  proposed  to 
me,  that  we  should  throw  all  the  monikins  over 
board,  project  the  entire  polar  basin  on  his  chart, 
as  being  entirely  free  from  islands,  and  then  go  a 
sealing.  I  rejected  the  propositions,  firstly,  as  pre 
mature  ;  secondly,  as  inhuman ;  thirdly,  as  inhos- 


THE    MONIK1JTS. 

pitable ;  fourthly,  as  inconvenient ;  and  lastly,  as 
impracticable. 

There  might  have  arisen  a  disagreeable  contro 
versy  between  us,  on  this  point ;  for  Mr.  Poke  had 
begun  to  warm,  and  to  swear  that  one  good  seal, 
of  the  true  quality  of  fur,  was  worth  a  hundred 
monkeys ;  wrhen  most  happily  the  panther  at  the 
mast-head  cried  out  that  two  of  the  largest  of  the 
mountains,  to  the  southward  of  us,  were  separat 
ing,  and  that  he  could  discern  a  passage  into 
another  basin.  Hereupon  Captain  Poke  concen 
trated  his  oaths,  which  he  caused  to  explode  like 
a  bomb,  and  instantly  made  sail,  again,  in  the 
proper  direction.  By  three  o'clock,  P.  M.,  we  had 
run  the  gauntlet  of  the  bergs,  a  second  time,  and 
were  at  least  a.  degree  nearer  the  pole,  in  the  basin 
just  alluded  to. 

The  mountains  had  now  entirely  disappeared 
in  the  southern  board;  but  the  sea  was  covered, 
far  as  the  eye  could  reach,  with  field-ice.  Noah 
stood  on,  without  apprehension;  for  the  water  had 
been  smooth  ever  since  we- entered  the  first  open 
ing,  the  wind  not  having  rake  enough  to  knock  up 
a  swell.  When  about  a  mile  from  the  margin  of 
the  frozen  and  seemingly  interminable  plain,  the 
ship  was  brought,  to  the  wind,  and  hove-to. 

Ever  since  the  vessel  left  the  docks,  there  had 
been  six  sets  of  spars  of  a  form  so  singular,  lying 
among  the  booms,  that  they  had  often  been  the 
subject  of  conversation  between  the  mates  and 
myself,  neither  of  the  former  being  able  to  tell 
their  uses.  These  sticks  were  of  no  great  length, 
some  fifteen  feet  at  the  most,  of  sound  English 
oak.  Two  or  three  pairs  were  alike,  for  they 
were  in  pairs,  each  pair  having  one  of  the  sides 
of  a  shape  resembling  different  parts  of  the  ship's 
bottom,  with  the  exception  that  they  were  chiefly 
19* 


222  THE    MON1KINS. 

concave,  while  the  bottom  of  a  vessel  is  mainly 
convex.  Al  one  extremity  each  pair  was  firmly 
connected  by  a  short,  massive,  iron  link,  of  about 
two  feet  in  length;  and,  at  its  opposite  end,  a 
large  eye-bolt  was  driven  into  each  stick,  where 
it  was  securely  forelocked.  When  the  Walrus  was 
stationary,  we  learned,  for  the  first  time,  the  uses 
of  these  unusual  preparations.  A  pair  of  the  tim 
bers,  which  were  of  great  solidity  and  strength, 
were  dropped  over  the  stern,  and,  sinking  beneath 
the  keel,  their  upper  extremities  were  separated, 
by  means  of  lanyards  turned  into  the  eye-bolts. 
The  lanyards  were  then  brought  forward  to  the 
bilge  of  the  vessel,  where,  by  the  help  of  tackles, 
the  timbers  were  rowsed  up  in  such  a  manner, 
that  the  link  came  clo-se  to  the  false-keel,  and  the 
timbers  themselves  were  laid  snug  against  each 
side  of  the  ship.  As  great  care  had  been  taken,  by 
means  of  marks  on  the  vessel,  as  wrell  as  in  forming 
the  skids  themselves,  the  fit  was  perfect.  No  less 
than  five  pairs -were  secured  in  and  near  the  bilge, 
and  as  many  more  were  distributed  forward  and 
aft,  according  to  the  shape  of  the  bottom.  Fore- 
and-aft  pieces,  that  reached  from  one  skid  to  the 
other,  were  then  placed  between  those  about  the 
bilge  of  the  ship,  each'  of  them  having  a  certain 
number  of  short  ribs,  extending  upwards  and 
downwards.  These  fore-and-aft  pieces  were  laid 
along  the  water-line,  their  ends  entering  the  skids 
by  means  of  mortices  and  tenons,  where  they  were 
snugly  bolted.  The  result  of  the  entire  arrange 
ment  was  to  give  the  vessel  an  exterior  protection 
against  the  •  field-ice,  by  means  of  a  sort  of  net 
work  of  timber,  the  whole  of  which  had  been  so 
accurately  fitted  in  the  dock,  as  to  bear  equally 
on  her  frame.  These  preparations  were  not  fairly 
completed  before  ten  o'clock  on  the  following 


• 

THE    MONIKINS.  223 

morning,  when  Noah  stood  directly  for  an  opening 
in  the  ice  before  us,  which,  just  about  that  time 
began  to  be  apparent. 

"  We  sha'n't  go  so  fast  for  our  armour,"  ob 
served  the  cautious  old  sealer ;  "  but  what  we 
want  in  heels,  we'll  make  up  in  bottom." 

For  the  whole  of  that  day,  we  worked  our  de 
vious  course,  by  great  labor,  and  at  uncertain 
intervals,  to  the  southward ;  and  at  night,  we  fas 
tened  the  Walrus  to  a  floe,  in  waiting  for  the 
return  of  light.  Just  as  the  day  dawned,  however, 
I  heard  a  tremendous  grating  sound  against  the 
side  of  the  vessel;  and,  rushing  on  deck,  I  found 
that  we  were  completely  caught  between  two 
immense  fields,  which  seemed  to  be  attracted 
towards  each  other  for  no  other  apparent  purpose 
than  to  crush  us.  Here  it  was  that  the  expedient 
of  Captain  Poke  made  manifest  its  merits.  Pro 
tected  by  the  massive  timbers,  and  false  ribs,  the 
bilge  of  the  ship  resisted  the  pressure;  and  as, 
under  such  circumstances,  something  must  yield, 
luckily  nothing  but  the  attraction  of  gravitation 
was  overcome.  The  skids,  through  their  inclina 
tion,  acted  as  wedges,  the  links  pressing  against 
the  keel ;  and,  in  the  course  of  an  hour,  the  Wal 
rus  was  gradually  lifted  out  of  the  water,  main 
taining  her  upright  position,  in  consequence  of  the 
powerful  nip  of  the  floes.  No  sooner  was  this 
experiment  handsomely  effected,  than  Mr.  Poke 
jumped  upon  the  ice,  and  commenced  an  exami 
nation  of  the  ship's  bottom. 

"Here's  a  dry  dock  for  you,  Sir  John!"  ex 
claimed  the  old  sealer,  chuckling.  "  I'll  have  a 
patent  for  this,  the  moment  I  put  foot  ag'in  in 
Stunin'tu'n." 

A  feeling  of  security,  to  which  I  had  been  a 
stranger  ever  since  we  entered  the  ice,  was  created 


224  THE    MONIKIXS. 

by  the  composure  of  Noah,  and  by  his  self-con 
gratulation  at  what  he  called  his  project  to  get  a 
look  at  the  Walrus's  bottom.  Notwithstanding  all 
the  fine  declarations  of  exultation  and  success, 
however,  that  he  flourished  among  us  who  were 
not  mariners,  I  was  much  disposed  to  think  that, 
like  other,  men  of  extraordinary  genius,  he  had 
blundered  on  the  grand  result  of  his  "ice-screws," 
and  that  it  was  not  foreseen  and  calculated.  Let 
this  be  as  it  may,  however,  all  hands  were  soon 
on  the  floe,  with  brooms,  scrapers,  hammers,  and 
nails,  and  the  opportunity  of  repairing  and  clean 
ing  was  thoroughly  improved. 

For  four-and-twenty  hours  the  ship  remained 
in  the  same  attitude,  stiff  as  a  church,  and  some 
of  us  began  to  entertain  apprehensions,  that  she 
might  be  kept  on  her  frozen  blocks  for  ever.  The 
accident  had  happened,  according  to  the  statements 
of  Captain  Poke,  in  lat.  78°  13'  26" — although  I 
never  knew  in  what  manner  he  ascertained  the 
important  particular  of  our  precise  situation.  Think 
ing  it  might  be  well  to  get  some  more  accurate 
ideas  on  this  subject,  after  so  long  and  ticklish  a 
run,  I  procured  the  quadrant  from  Bob  Ape,  and 
brought  it  down  upon  the  ice,  where  I  made  it  a 
point,  as  an  especial  -favor,  the  weather  being 
favorable  and  the  proper  hour  near,  that  our  com 
mander  would  correct  his  instinct  by  a  solar  ob 
servation.  Noah  protested  that  your  old  seaman, 
especially  if  a  sealer  and  a  Stunin'tunner,  had  no 
occasion  for  such  geometry-operations,  as  he 
termed -them;  that  it  might  be  well  enough,  per 
haps  necessary,  for  your  counting-house,  silk- 
gloved  captains,  who  run  between  New-York  and 
Liverpool,  to  be  rubbing  up  their  glasses  and 
polishing  their  sextants,  for  they  hardly  ever  knew 
where  they  were,  except  at  such  times;  but  as  for 


THE    MON1K1NS.  225 

himself,  he  had  little  need  of  turning  star-gazer  at 
his  time  of  life,  and  that,  as  he  had  already  told 
me,  he  was  getting  to  be  near-sighted,  and  had 
some  doubts  whether  he  could  discern  an  object 
like  the  sun,  that  was  known  to  be  so  many  thou 
sands  of  millions  of  miles  from  the  earth.  These 
scruples,  however,  were  overcome  by  my  clean 
ing  the  glasses,  preparing  a  barrel  for  him  to  stand 
on,  that  he  might  be  at  the  customary  elevation 
above  his  horizon,  and  putting  the  instrument  into 
his  hands,  the  mates  standing  near,  ready  to  make 
the  calculations,  when  he  gave  the  sun's  declina 
tion. 

"  We  are  drifting  south'ard,  I  know,"  said  Mr. 
Poke,  before  he  commenced  his  sight; — "  I  feel  it 
in  my  bones.  We  are,  at  this  moment,  in  79°  36' 
14" — having  made  a  southerly  drift  of  more  than 
eighty  miles,  since  yesterday  noon.  Now,  mind 
my  words,  and  see  what  the  sun  will  say  about  it." 

When  the  calculations  were  made,  our  latitude 
was  found  to  be  79°  35'  47".  Noah  was  somewhat 
j>uzzled  by  the  difference,  for  which  he  could"  in 
no  plausible  way  account,  as  the  observation  had 
been  unusually  good  and  certain.  But  an  opinion 
ated  and  an  ingenious  man  is  seldom  at  a  loss  to 
find  a  sufficient  reason  to  establish  his  own  cor 
rectness,  or  to  prove  the  mistakes  of  others. 

"Ay,  I  see  how  it  is/'  he  said,  after  a  little 
cogitation;  "the  sun  must  be  wrong — it  should  be 
no  wonder  if  the  sun  did  get  a  little  out  of  his  track, 
in  these  high,  cold  latitudes.  Yes,  yes :  the  sun 
must  be  wrong." 

I  was  too  much  delighted  at  being  certain  we 
were  going  on  our  course  to  dispute  the  point, 
and  the  great  luminary  was  abandoned  to  the 
imputation  of  sometimes  being  in  error.  Dr. 
Reasono  took  occasion  to  say,  in  my  private  ear, 
that  there  was  a  sect  of  philosophers  in  Leaphigh, 


226  THE    MONIKINS. 

who  had  long  distrusted  the  accuracy  of  the  plan 
etary  system,  and  who  had  even  thrown  out  hints 
that  the  earth,  in  its  annual  revolution,  moved  in 
a  direction  absolutely  contrary  to  that  which  Na 
ture  had  .contemplated  when  she  gave  the  original 
polar  impulse;  but  that,  as  regarded  himself,  he 
thought  very  little  of  these  opinions,  as  he  had  fre 
quent  occasion  to  observe  that  there  was  a  large 
class  of  monikins  whose  ideas  always  went  up  hill. 
For  two  more  days  and  as  many  nights,  we 
continued  to  drift  with  the  floes  to  the  southward, 
or  as  'near  as  might  be,  towards  the  haven  of  our 
wishes.  On  the  fourth  morning,  there  was  a  suit 
able  change  in  the  weather;  both  thermometer 
and  barometer  rose  ;  the-  air  became  more  bland, 
and  most  of  our  cats  and  dogs,  notwithstanding 
we  were  still  surrounded  by  the  ice,  began  to  cast 
their  skins.  Dr.  Reasono  noted  these  signs,  and 
stepping  on  the  floe  he  brought  back  with  him  a 
considerable  fragment  of  the  frozen  element. — 
This  was  carried  to  the  camboose,  where  it  was 
subjected  to  the  action  of  fire,  which,  within  a 
given  number  of  minutes,  pretty  much  as  a  matter 
of  course,  as  I  thought,  caused  it  to.melt.  The  whole 
process  was  watched  with  an  anxiety  the  most  in 
tense,  by  the  whole  of  the  monikins,  however ;  and 
when  the  result  was  announced,  the  amiable  and 
lovely  Chatterissa  clapped  her  pretty  little  pattes 
with  joy,  and  gave  all  the  other  natural  indica 
tions  of  delight,  which  characterize  the  emotions 
of  that  gentle  sex  of  which  she  was  so  bright  an 
ornament.  Dr.  Reasono  was  not  backward  in  ex 
plaining  the  cause  of  so  much  unusual  exhilaration, 
for  hitherto  her  manner  had  been  characterized 
by  the  well-bred  and  sophisticated  restraint  which 
marks  high  training.  The  experiment  had  shown, 
by  the  infallible  and  scientific  tests  of  monikin 


THE    MONIKINS.  227 

chemistry,  that  we  were  now  within  the  influence 
of  a  steam-climate,  and  there  could  no  longer  be 
any  rational  doubt  of  our  eventual  arrival  in  the 
polar  basin. 

The  result  proved  that  the  philosopher  was  right. 
About  noon  the  floes,  which  all  that  day  had  be 
gun  to  assume  what  is  termed  a  *  sloppy  character,' 
suddenly  gave  way,  and  the  Walrus  settled  down 
into  her  proper  element,  with  great  equanimity  and 
propriety.  Captain  Poke  lost  no  time  in  unship 
ping  the  skids;  and,  a  smacking  breeze,  that  was 
well  saturated  with  steam,  springing  up  from  the 
westward,  we  made  sail.  Our  course  was  due 
south,  without  regard  to  the  ice,  which  yielded  be 
fore  our  bows  like  so  much  thick  water,  and,  just 
as  the  sun  set,  we  entered  the  open  sea,  rioting  in 
the  luxuriance  of  its  genial  climate,  in  triumph. 

Sail  was  carried  on  the  ship  all  that  night ;  and 
just  as  the  day  dawned,  we  made  the  first  mile 
stone,  a  proof,  not  to  be  mistaken,  that. we  were 
now  actually  in  the  monikin  region.  Dr.  Reasono 
had  the  goodness  to  explain  to  us  the  history  of 
these  aquatic  phenomena.  If  would  seem  that 
when  the  earth  exploded,  its  entire  crust,  through 
out  the  whole  of  this  part  of  the  world,  was  start 
ed  upward  in  such  a  way  as  to  give  a  very  uni 
form  depth  to  the  sea,  which  in  no  place  exceeds 
four  fathoms.  It  follows,  as  a  consequence,  that 
no  prevalence  of  northerly  winds  can  force  the 
icebergs  beyond  78°  of  south  latitude,  as  they  in 
variably  ground  on  reaching  the-  outer  edge  of 
the  polar  bank.  The  floes,  being  thin,  are  melt 
ed  of  course  ;  and  thus,  by  this  beneficent  preven 
tion,  the  monikin  world  is  kept  entirely  free  from 
the  very  danger  to  which  a  vulgar  mind  would  be 
the  most  apt  to  believe  it  is  the  most  exposed. 

A  congress  of  nations  had  been  held,  about  five 


228  THE    MOMKINS. 

centuries  since,  which  was  called  the  Holy-philo- 
marine-safety-and-find-the-way  Alliance.  At  this 
Congress  the  high  contracting  parties  agreed 
to  name  a  commission  to  make  provision,  gene 
rally,  for  the  secure  navigation  of  the  seas.  One 
of  the  expedients  of  this  commission,  which,  by 
the  way,  is  said  to  have  been  composed  of  very 
illustrious  monikins,  was  to  cause  massive  blocks 
of  stone  to  be  laid  down,  at  measured  distances, 
throughout  the  whole  of  the  basin,  and  in  which 
other  stone  uprights  were  secured.  The  necessa 
ry  inscriptions  were  graved  on  proper  tablets,  and 
as  we  approached  the  one  already  named,  I  ob 
served  that  it  had  the  image  of  a  monikin,  carved 
also  in  stone,  with  his  tail  extended  in  a  right  line, 
pointing,  as  Mr.  Poke  assured  me,  S.  and  by  W. 
half  W.  I  had  made  sufficient  progress  in  the 
monikin  language,  to  read,  as  we  glided  past  this 
water-mark — "To  Leaphigh,  15  miles."  One 
monikin  mile,  however,  we  were  next  told,  was 
equal  to  nine  English  statute  miles ;  and,  conse 
quently,  W7e  were  not  quite  so  near  our  port  as 
was  at  first  supposed.  I  expressed  great  satisfac 
tion  at  finding  ourselves  so  fairly  on  the  road,  how 
ever,  and  paid  Dr.  Reasono  some  well-merited 
compliments  on  the  high  state  of  civilization  to 
which  his  species  had  evidently  arrived.  The  day 
was  not  distant,  I  added,  when,  it  was  reasonable 
to  suppose,  our  own  seas  would  have  floating  res 
taurants  and  cafes,  with  suitable  pot-houses  for  the 
mariners ;  though  I  did  not  well  see  how  we  were 
to  provide  a  substitute  for  their  own  excellent  or 
ganization  of  mile-stones.  The  Doctor  received 
my  compliments  with  a  proper  modesty,  saying 
that  he  had  no  doubt  mankind  would  do  all  that 
lay  in  their  power  to  have  good  eating  and  drink- 
ing-houses,  wherever  they  could  be  established; 
but,  as  to  the  marine  mile-stones,  he  agreed  with 


THE    MONIKINS.  229 

me,  that  there  was  little  hope  of  their  being  plant 
ed,  until  the  crust  of  the  earth  should  be  driven 
upward,  so  as  to  rise  within  four  fathoms  of  the 
surface  of  the  water.  On  the  other  hand,  Captain 
Poke  held  this  latter  improvement  very  cheap.  He 
affirmed  it  was  no  sign  of  civilization  at  all,  for,  as  a 
man  became  civilized,  he  had  less  need  of  primers 
and  finger-boards;  and,  as  for  Leaphigh,  any  toler 
able  navigator  might  see  it  bore  S.  by  W.  half  W. 
allowing  for  variation,  distant  135  English  miles. 
To  these  objections  I  was  silent,  for  I  had  had  fre 
quent  occasions  to  observe  that  men  very  often 
underrate  any  advantage  of  which  they  have 
come  into  the  enjoyment  by  a  providential  inter 
position. 

Just  as  the  sun  was  in  the  meridian,  the  cry  of 
4  land  ahead'  was  heard  from  aloft.  The  monikins 
were  all  smiles  and  gratitude ;  the  crew  was  ex 
cited  by  admiration  and  wonder ;  and,  as  for  my 
self,  I  was  literally  ready  to  jump  out  of  my  skin, 
not  only  with  delight,  but,  in  some  measure  also, 
from  the  exceeding  warmth  of  the  atmosphere.  Our 
cats  and  dogs  began  to  uncase ;  Bob  was  obliged 
to  unmask  his  most  exposed  frontier,  by  removing 
the  union-jack ;  and  Noah  himself  fairly  appeared 
on  deck  in  his  shirt  and  night-cap.  The  amiable 
strangers  were  too  much  occupied  to  be  particu 
lar,  and  I  slipped  into  my  state-room  to  change  my 
toilet  to  a  dress  of  thin  silk,  that  was  painted  to 
resemle  the  skin  of  a  polar  bear, — a  contradiction 
between  appearances  and  the  substance  of  things, 
that  is  much  too  common  in  our  species  ever  to  be 
deemed  out  of  fashion. 

We  neared  the  land  with  great  rapidity,  im 
pelled  by  a  steam-breeze,  and  just  as  the  sun  sunk 
in  the  horizon  our  anchor  was  let*  go,  in  the  outer 
harbor  of  the  city  of  Aggregation. 

VOL.  I.  20 


830  THE    MONIKIffS. 


CHAPTER  XV. 

An  arrival ;  forms  of  reception  ;  several  new  christenings ; 
an  official  document,  and  terra  firma. 

IT  is  always  agreeable  to  arrive  safe,  at  the  end 
of  a  long,  fatiguing  and  hazardous  journey.  But 
the  pleasure  is  considerably  augmented  when  the 
visit  is  paid  to  a  novel  region,  with  a  steam- cli 
mate,  and  which  is  peopled  by  a  new  species.  My 
own  satisfaction,  too,  was  coupled  with  the  reflec 
tion  that  I  had  been  of  real  service  to  four  very 
interesting  and  well-bred  strangers,  who  had  been 
cast,  by  an  adverse  fortune,  into  the  hands  of  hu 
manity,  and  who  owed  to  me  a  boon  far  more  pre 
cious  than  that  of  life  itself, — a  restoration  to  their 
natural  and  acquired  rights,  their  proper  stations 
in  society,  and  sacred  liberty  !  The  reader  will 
judge,  therefore,  with  what  inward  self-congratu 
lation  I  now  received  the  acknowledgments  of  the 
whole  monikin  party,  and  listened  to  their  most 
solemn  protestations  ever  to  consider,  not  only  all 
they  might  jointly  and  severally  possess  in  the  way 
of  estates  and  dignities,  at  my  entire  disposal,  but 
their  persons  as  my  slaves.  Of  course,  I  made  as 
light  as  possible  of  any  little  service  I  might  have 
.done  them,  protesting,  in  my  turn,  that  I  looked 
upon  the  whole  affair  more  in  the  light  of  a  party 
of  pleasure  than  a  tax,  reminding  them  that  I  had 
not  only  obtained  an  insight  into  a  new  philosophy, 
but  that  I  was  already,  thanks  to  the  decimal  sys 
tem,  a  tolerable  proficient  in  their  ancient  and 
learned  language.  These  civilities  were  scarcely 
well  over,  before  we  were  boarded  by  the  boat  of 
the  port-captain. 


THE    MONIK1NS.  231 

The  arrival  of  a  human  ship  was  an  event  likely 
to  create  excitement  in  a  monikin  country ;  and, 
as  our  approach  had  been  witnessed  for  several 
hours,  preparations  had  been  made  to  give  us  a 
proper  reception.  The  section  of  the  academy  to 
whom  is  committed  the  custody  of  the  "  Science 
of  Indications,"  was  hastily  assembled,  by  order 
of  the  King,  who,  by  the  way,  never  speaks  ex 
cept  through  the  mouth  of  his  oldest  male  first 
cousin,  who,  by  the  fundamental  laws  of  the  realm, 
is  held  responsible  for  all  his  official  acts,  (in  pri 
vate,  the  King  is  allowed  almost  as  many  privi 
leges  as  any  other  monikin,)  and  who,  as  is  due 
to  him  in  simple  justice,  is  permitted  to  exercise, 
in  a  public  point  of  view,  the  functions  of  the  eyes, 
ears,  nose,  conscience,  and  tail  of  the  monarch. 
The  savans  were  active,  and  as  they  proceeded 
with  method,  and  on  well-established  principles, 
their  report  was  quickly  made.  It  contained,  as 
we  afterwards  understood,  seven  sheets  of  pre 
mises,  eleven  of  argument,  sixteen  of  conjecture, 
and  two  lines  of  deduction.  This  heavy  draft  on 
the  monikin  intellect,  w^as  duly  achieved  by  divid 
ing  the  work  into  as  many  parts  as  there  wrere 
members  of  the  section  present,  viz.  forty.  The 
substance  of  their  labors  was,  to  say  that  the  vessel 
in  sight  was  a  strange  vessel ;  that  it  came  to  a 
strange  country,  on  a  strange  errand,  being  man 
ned  by  strangers  ;  and  that  its  objects  were  more 
likely  to  be  peaceful  than  warlike,  since  the  glasses 
of  the  academy  did  not  enable  them  to  discover 
any  means  of  annoyance,  with  the  exception  of 
certain  wild  beasts,  who  appeared,  however,  to  be 
peaceably  occupied  in  working  the  ship.  All  this 
was  sententiously  expressed  in  the  purest  monikin 
language.  The  effect  of  the  report  was  to  cause 
all  hostile  preparations  to4te  abandoned. 


232  THE    MONIKIXS. 

No  sooner  did  the  boat  of  the  port-captain  return 
to  the  shore,  with  the  news  that  the  strange  ship 
had  arrived  with  my  Lord  Chatterino,  my  Lady 
Chatterissa  and  Dr.  Reasono,  than  there  was  a 
general  burst  of  joy  along  the  strand.  In  a  very 
short  time,  the  King — alias  his  eldest  first  cousin 
of  the  male  gender — ordered  the  usual  compli 
ments  to  be  paid  to  his  distinguished  subjects.  A 
deputation  of  young  Lords,  the  hopes  of  Leaphigh, 
came  off  to  receive  their  colleague ;  whilst  a  bevy 
of  beautiful  maidens,  of  noble  birth,  crowded 
around  the  smiling  and  graceful  Chatterissa,  glad 
dening  her  heart  with  their  caressing  manners  and 
felicitations.  The  noble  pair  left  us  in  separate 
boats,  each  attended  by  an  appropriate  escort. 
We  overlooked  the  little  neglect  of  forgetting  to 
take  leave  of  us,  for  joy  had  quite  set  them  both 
beside  themselves.  Next  came  a  long  procession 
composed  of  high  numbers,all  of  the  "  brown-study- 
color."  These  learned  and  dignified  persons  were 
a  deputation  from  the  academy,  which  had  sent 
forth  no  less  than  forty  of  its  number  to  receive 
Dr.  Reasono.  The  meeting  between  these  loving 
friends  of  monikinity  and  of  knowledge,  was  con 
ducted  on  the  most  approved  principles  of  reason. 
Each  section  (there  are  forty  in  the  academy  of 
Leaphigh)  made  an  address,  to  all  of  which  the 
Doctor  returned  suitable  replies,  always  using 
exactly  the  same  sentiments,  but  varying  the  subject 
by  transpositions,  as  dictionaries  are  known  to  be 
composed  by  the  ingenious  combinations  of  the 
twenty-six  letters  of  the  alphabet.  Dr.  Reasono 
withdrew  with  his  coadjutors,  to  my  surprise,  pay 
ing  not  a  whit  more  attention  to  Captain  Poke  and 
myself,  than  would  be  paid,  in  any  highly  civilized 
country  of  Christendom,  on  a  similar  occasion,  by 
a  collection  of  the  learned,  to  the  accidental  pre- 


THE   MONIK1NS.  233 

sence  of  two  monkeys.  I  thought  this  augured 
badly,  and  began  to  feel  as  became  Sir  John 
Goldencalf,  Bart.,  of  Householder  Hall,  in  the 
Kingdom  of  Great  Britain,  when  my  sensations 
were  nipped  in  the  bud  by  the  arrival  of  the  Offi 
cers  of  Registration  and  Circulation.  It  was  the 
duty  of  the  latter  to  give  us  the  proper  passports 
to  enter  into  and  to  circulate  within  the  country, 
after  the  former  had  properly  enregistered  our 
numbers  and  colors,  in  such  a  way  as  to  bring  us 
within  the  reach  of  taxation.  The  officer  of  Re 
gistration  was  very  expeditious  from  long  prac 
tice.  He  decided,  at  once,  that  I  formed  a  new 
class  by  myself;  of  which,  of  course,  I  was  No.  1. 
The  Captain  and  his  two  mates  formed  another, 
Nos.  1,  2  and  3.  Bob  had  a  class  also  to  himself, 
and  the  honors  of  No.  1 ;  and  the  crew  formed  a 
fresh  class,  being  numbered  according  to  height, 
as  the  register  deemed  their  merits  to  be  altogether 
physical.  Next  came  the  important  point  of  color, 
on  which  depended  the  quality  of  the  class  or  caste, 
the  numbers  merely  indicating  our  respective  sta 
tions  in  the  particular  divisions.  After  a  good  deal 
of  deliberation,  and  many  interrogatories,  I  was 
enregistered  as  No.  1,  flesh-color.  Noah  as  No.  1, 
sea-water-color,  and  his  mates  2  and  3,  accord 
ingly.  Bob  as  No.  1,. smut-colour;  and  the  crew 
as  Nos.  1,  2,  3,  &c.  tar-color.  The  officer  now 
called  upon  an  assistant  to  come  forth  with  a  sort 
of  knitting-needle  heated  red-hot,  in  order  to  affix 
the  official  stamp  to  each  in  succession.  Luckily 
for  us.  all,  Noah  happened  to  be  the  first  to  whom 
the  agent  of  the  stamp-office  applied,  to  uncase 
and  to  prepare  for  the  operation.  The  result 
was  one  of  those  bursts  of  eloquent  and  logical 
vituperation,  and  of  remonstrating  outcries,  to 
which  any  new  personal  exaction  never  failed 
20* 


234  THE   MONIKINS. 

to  give  birth  in  the  sealer.  His  discourse  on  this 
occasion  might  be  divided  into  the  several  follow 
ing  heads,  all  of  which  were  very  ingeniously 
embellished  by  the  usual  expletives  and  imagery — 
"  He  was  not  a  beast  to  be  branded  like  a  horse, 
nor  a  slave  to  be  treated  like  a  Congo  nigger ;  he 
saw  no  use  in  applying  the  marks  to  men,  who 
were  sufficiently  distinguished  from  monkeys  alrea 
dy  ;  Sir  John  had  a  handle  before  his  name,  and 
if  he  liked  it,  he  might  carry  his  name  behind  his 
body,  by  way  of  counterpoise,  but,  for  his  part, 
he  wanted  no  outriggers  of  the  sort,  being  satis 
fied  with  plain  Noah  Poke ;  he  was  a  republican, 
and  it  was  anti-republican  for  a  man  to  carry 
about  with  him  graven  images;  he  thought  it 
might  be  even  flying  in  the  face  of  the  Scriptures, 
or,  what  was  worse,  turning  his  back  on  them ; 
he  said  that  the  Walrus  had  her  name,  in  good 
legible  characters,  on  her  starn,  and  that  might 

answer  for  both  of  them ;  he  protested,  d n  nis 

eyes,  that  he  wouldn't  be  branded  like  a  thief;  he 
incontinently  wished  the  keeper  of  the  privy-seal 

to  the  d 1;  he  insisted  there  was  no  use  in  the 

practice,  unless  one  threw  all  aback  and  went  starn 
foremost  into  society,  a  rudeness  at  which  human 
natur'  revolted ;  he  knew  a  man  at  Stunin'tun  who 
had  five  names,  and  he  should  like  to  know  what 
they  would  do  with  him,  if  this  practice  should 
come  into  fashion  there ;  he  had  no  objection  to  a 
little  paint,  but  no  red-hot  knitting-needle  should 
make  acquaintance  with  his  flesh,  so  long  as  he 
walked  his  quarter-deck." 

The  keeper  of  the  seals  listened  to  this  remon 
strance  with  singular  patience  and  decorum ;  a 
forbearance  that  was  probably  owing  to  his  not 
understanding  a  word  that  had  been  said.  But 


THE    MONIKIff S.  235 

there  is  a  language  that  is  universal,  and  it  is  not 
less  easy  to  comprehend  when  a  man  is  in  a  pas 
sion,  than  it  is  to  comprehend  any  other  irritated 
animal.  The  officer  of  the  Registration  Depart 
ment,  on  this  hint,  politely  inquired  of  me,  if  some 
part  of  his  official  duties  were  not  particularly 
disagreeable  to  No.  1,  sea-water-color.  On  my 
admitting  that  the  captain  was  reluctant  to  be 
branded,  he  merely  shrugged  his  shoulders,  and 
observed,  that  the  exactions  of  the  public  were  sel 
dom  agreeable,  but  that  duty  was  duty,  that  the 
stamp-act  was  peremptory,  and  not  a  foot  of  ours 
could  touch  Leaphigh,  until  we  were  all  checked 
off  in  this  manner,  in  exact  conformity  with  the 
registration.  I  was  much  puzzled  what  to  do,  by 
this  indomitable  purpose  to  perform  his  duty  in  the 
officer;  for,  to  own  the  truth,  my  own  cuticle  had 
quite  as  much  aversion  to  the  operation,  as  that  of 
Captain  Poke  himself.  It  was  not  the  principle, 
so  much  as  the  novelty  of  its  application,  which 
distressed  me ;  for  I  had  travelled  too  much  not  to 
know  that  a  stranger  rarely  enters  a  civilized 
country  without  being  more  or  less  skinned,  the 
merest  savages  only  permitting  him  to  pass  un 
scathed.  It  suddenly  came  to  my  recollection 
that  the  monikins  had  left  all  the  remains  of  their 
particular  stores  on  board,  consisting  of  an  ample 
supply  of  delicious  nuts.  Sending  for  a  bag  of  tha 
best  of  them,  I  ordered  it  to  be  put  into  the  regis 
ter's  boat,  informing  him,  at  the  same  time,  that  I 
was  conscious  they  were  quite  unworthy  of  him, 
but  that  I  hoped,  such  as  they  were,  he  would 
allow  me  to  make  an  offering  of  them  to  his  wife. 
This  attention  was  properly  felt  and  received;  and 
a  few  minutes  afterwards,  a  certificate  in  the  fol 
lowing  words  was  put  into  my  hands,  viz. — 


236  THE    MONIKINS. 

"  Leaphigh,  season  of  promise,  day  of  perform 
ance:  Whereas,  certain  persons  of  the  human 
species  have  lately  presented  themselves  to  be 
enregistered,  according  to  the  statute  'For  the 
promotion  of  order  and  classification,  and  for  the 
collection  of  contributions;'  and  whereas,  these 
persons  are  yet  in  the  second  class  of  the  animal 
probation,  and  are  more  subject  to  bodily  impres 
sions  than  the  higher,  or  monikin  species ;  Now, 
know  all  monikins,  &c.,  that  they  are  stamped  in 
paint,  and  that  only  by  their  numbers;  each  class 
among  them  being  easily  to  be  distinguished  from 
the  others,  by  outward  and  indelible  proofs. 
"Signed, 

"  No.  8,020  office-color." 

I  was  told  that  all  we  had  to  do  now,  was  to 
mark  ourselves  with  paint  or  tar,  as  we  might 
choose,  the  latter  being  recommended  for  the 
crew;  taking  no  farther  trouble  than  to  number 
ourselves:  and,  when  we  went  ashore,  if  any  of 
the  gens-d'armes  inquired  why  we  had  not  the 
legal  impression  on  our  persons,  which  quite  pos 
sibly  would  be  the  case,  as  the  law  was  absolute 
in  its  requisitions,  all  we  had  to  do  was  to  show 
the  certificate;  but,  if  the  certificate  was  not 
sufficient,  we  were  men  of  the  world,  and  under 
stood  the  nature  of  things  so  well,  that  we  did  not 
require  to  be  taught  so  simple  a  proposition  in  phi 
losophy,  as  that  which  says,  "  like  causes  produce 
like  effects ;"  and  he  presumed  I  could  not  have  so 
far  overrated  his  merits,  as  to  have  sent  the  whole 
of  my  nuts  into  his  boat.  I  avow  that  I  was  not 
very  sorry  to  hear  the  officer  throw  out  these 
hints,  for  they  convinced  me  that  my  journey 
through  Leaphigh  would  be  accompanied  with 
less  embarrassment  than  I  had  anticipated,  since 


THE    MONIKINS.  237 

I  now  plainly  perceived  that  monikins  act  on  prin 
ciples  that  are  not  very  essentially  different  from 
those  of  the  human  race  in  general. 

The  complaisant  register  and  the  keeper  of  the 
privy-seal  took  their  departure  together,  when  we 
forthwith  proceeded  to  number  ourselves  in  com 
pliance  with  his  advice.  As  the  principle  was 
already  settled,  we  had  no  difficulty  with  its  appli 
cation,  Noah,  Bob,  myself,  and  the  largest  of  the 
seamen  being  all  No's.  1,  and  the  rest  ranking  in 
order.  By  this  time  it  was  night.  The  guard-boats 
began  to  appear  on  the  water,  and  we  deferred 
disembarking  until  morning. 

All  hands  were  early  afoot.  It  had  been  arranged 
that  Captain  Poke  and  myself,  attended  by  Bob,  as  a 
domestic,  were  to  land,  in  order  to  make  a  journey 
through  the  island,  while  the  Walrus  was  to  be  left  in 
charge  of  the  mates  and  the  crew ;  the  latter  having 
permission  to  go  ashore,  from  time  to  time,  as  is 
the  practice  with  all  seamen  in  port.  There  was 
a  great  deal  of  preliminary  scrubbing  and  shaving, 
before  the  whole  party  could  appear  on  deck,  pro 
perly  attired  for  the  occasion.  Mr.  Poke  wore  a 
thin  dress  of  linen,  admirably  designed  to  make  him 
look  like  a  sea-lion;  a  conceit  that  he  said  was  not 
only  agreeable  to  his  feelings  and  habits,  but  which 
had  a  cool  and  pleasant  character,  that  was  alto- 
ther  suited  to  a  steam-climate.  For  my  own  part, 
I  agreed  with  the  worthy  sealer,  seeing  but  little 
difference  between  his  going  in  this  garb,  and  his 
going  quite  naked.  My  dress  was  made,  on  a  design 
of  my  own,  after  the  social-stake  system ;  or,  in 
other  words,  it  was  so  arranged  as  to  take  an  inte 
rest  in  half  of  the  animals  of  .Exeter 'Change,  to 
which  menagerie  the  artist,  by  whom  it  had  been 
painted,  was  sent  expressly,  in  order  to  consult 
nature.  Bob  wore  the  effigy,  as  his  master  called 
it,  of  a  turnspit. 


238  THE    MONIKINS. 

The  monikins  were  by  far  too  polished  to  crowd 
about  us  when  we  landed,  with  an  impertinent  and 
troublesome  curiosity.  So  far  from  this,  we  were 
permitted  to  approach  the  capital  itself  without  let 
or  hindrance.  As  it  is  less  my  intention  to  describe 
physical  things  than  to  dwell  upon  the  philosophy 
and  the  other  moral  aspects  of  the  Leaphigh  world, 
little  more  will  be  said  of  their  houses,  domestic 
economy,  and  other  improvements  in  the  arts,  than 
may  be  gathered  incidentally,  as  the  narrative  shall 
proceed.  Let  it  suffice  to  say,  on  these  heads,  that 
the  Leaphigh  monikins,  like  men,  consult,  or  think 
they  consult — which,  so  long  as  they  know  no  bet 
ter,  amounts  to  pretty  much  the  same  thing — their 
own  convenience  in  all  things,  the  pocket  alone 
excepted ;  and  that  they  continue  very  laudably  to 
do  as  their  fathers  did  before  them,  seldom  making 
changes,  unless  they  may  happen  to  possess  the 
recommendation  of  being  exotics;  when,  indeed, 
they  are  sometimes  adopted,  probably  on  account 
of  their  possessing  the  merit  of  having  been  proved 
suitable  to  another  state  of  things. 

Among  the  first  persons  we  met,  on  entering  the 
great  square  of  Aggregation,  as  the  capital  of  Leap- 
high  is  called  when  rendered  into  English,  was 
my  Lord  Chatterino.  He  was  gaily  promenading 
with  a  company  of  young  nobles,  who  all  seemed 
to  be  enjoying  their  youth,  health,  rank  and  privi 
leges,  with  infinite  gusto.  We  met  this  party  in  a 
way  to  render  an  escape  from  mutual  recognition 
impossible.  At  first  I  thought,  from  his  averted 
eye,  that  it  was  the  intention  of  our  late  shipmate 
to  consider  our  knowledge  of  each  other  as  one  of 
those  accidental  acquaintances  which,  it  is  known, 
we  all  form  at  watering-places,  on  journeys,  or  in 
the  country,  and  which  it  is  ill-mannered  to  press 
upon  others  in  town ;  or,  as  Captain  Poke  afterwards 


THE    MOfflKIffS.  239 

expressed  it,  like  the  intimacy  between  an  English 
man  and  a  Yankee,  that  has  been  formed  in  the 
house  of  the  latter,  on  better  wine  than  is  met  with 
anywhere  else,  and  which  was  never  yet  known  to 
withstand  the  influence  of  a  British  fog.  "  Why,  Sir 
John,"  the  sealer  added,  "I  once  tuck  (he  meant  to 
say  took,  not  tucked)  a  countryman  of  yours  under 
my  wing,  at  Stunin'tun,  during  the  last  war.  He 
was  a  prisoner,  as  wre  make  prisoners ;  that  is,  he 
went  and  did  pretty  much  as  he  pleased ;  and  the 
fellow  had  the  best  of  every  thing — molasses  that  a 
spoon  would  stand  up  in,  pork  that  would  do  to 
slush  down  a  top-mast,  and  New-England  rum, 
that  a  king  might  sit  down  to,  but  could  not  get  up 
from — well,  what  was  the  end  on't?  why,  as  sure 
as  we  are  among  these  monkeys,  the  fellow  booked 
me.  Had  I  booked  but  the  half  of  what  he  guzzled, 
the  amount,  I  do  believe,  would  have  taken  the 
transaction  out  of  any  justice's  court  in  the  state. 
He  said  my  molasses  was  meagre,  the  pork  lean, 
and  the  liquor  infernal.  There  were  truth  and  grati 
tude  for  you !  He  gave  the  whul  account,  too,  as  a 
specimen  of  what  he  called  American  living !" 

Hereupon  I  reminded  my  companion,  that  an 
Englishman  did  not  like  to  receive  even  favors,  on 
compulsion ;  that  wrhen  he  meets  a  stranger  in  his 
own  country,  and  is  master  of  his  own  actions,  no 
man  understands  better  what  true  hospitality  is,  as 
I  hoped  one  day  to  show  him,  at  Householder  Hall : 
as  to  his  first  remark,  he  ought  to  remember  that 
an  Englishman  considered  America  as  no  more 
than  the  country,  and  that  it  would  be  ill-mannered 
to  press  an  acquaintance  made  there. 

Noah,  like  most  other  men,  was  very  reasonable 
on  all  subjects  that  did  not  interfere  with  his  preju 
dices  or  his  opinions;  and  he  very  readily  admitted 
the  general  justice  of  my  reply. 


240  THE    MONIK1XS. 

"  It's  pretty  much  as  you  say,  Sir  John,"  he  con 
tinued.  "  In  England  you  may  press  men,  but  it 
wun't  do  to  press  hospitality.  Get  a  volunteer  in  this 
way,  and  he  is  as  good  a  fellow  as  heart  can  wish. 
I  shouldn't  have  cared  so  much  about  the  chap's 
book,  if  he  had  said  nothin'  ag'in  the  rum.  Why, 
Sir  John,  when  the  English  bombarded  Stunin'tun 
with  eighteen-pounders,  I  proposed  to  load  our  old 
twelve  with  a  gallon  out  of  the  very  same  cask, 
for  I  do  think  it  would  have  huv'  the  shot  the  best 
part  of  a  mile !" 

But  this  digression  is  leading  me  from 

the  narrative.  My  Lord  Chatterino  turned  his  head 
a  little  on  one  side,  as  we  were  passing ;  and  I  was 
deliberating  whether,  under  the  circumstances,  it 
would  be  well-bred  to  remind  him  of  our  old  ac 
quaintance,  when  the  question  was  settled  by  the 
decision  of  Captain  Poke,  who  placed  himself  in 
such  a  position  that  it  was  no  easy  matter  to  get 
round  him,  through  him,  or  over  him ;  or  who  laid 
himself  wrhat  he  called  "  athwart  hawse." 

"Good  morning,  my  Lord,"  said  the  straight 
forward  seaman,  who  generally  went  at  a  subject, 
as  he  went  at  a  seal.  "  A  fine  warm  day ;  and  the 
smell  of  the  land,  after  so  long  a  passage,  is  quite 
agreeable  to  the  nose,  whatever  its  ups  and  downs 
may  be  to  the  legs." 

The  companions  of  the  young  peer  looked  ama 
zed  ;  and  some  of  them,  I  thought,  notwithstanding 
gravity  and  earnestness  are  rather  characteristic 
of  the  monikin  physiognomy,  betrayed  a  slight  dis 
position  to  laugh.  Not  so  with  my  Lord  Chatter 
ino  himself. 

He  examined  us  a  moment  through  a  glass,  and  / 
then  seemed  suddenly  and,  on  the  whole,  agreeably  F 
struck  at  seeing  us.  \ 

"How,  Goldencalf!"  he  cried,  in  surprise,  "you 


THE   MONIKINS.  241 

in  Leaphigh !  This  is,  indeed,  an  unexpected  satis 
faction  ;  for  it  will  now  be  in  my  power  to  prove 
some  of  the  facts  that  I  am  telling  my  friends,  by 
actual  observation.  Here  are  two  of  the  humans, 
gents,  of  whom  I  was  but  this  moment  giving  you 
some  account — " 

Observing  a  disposition  to  merriment  in  his  asso 
ciates,  he  continued,  looking  exceedingly  grave  : — 

"  Restrain  yourselves,  gentlemen,  I  pray  you. 
These  are  very  worthy  people,  I  do  assure  you,  in 
their  own  way,  and  are  not  at  all  to  be  ridiculed. 
I  scarcely  know,  even  in  our  own  marine,  a  better 
or  a  bolder  navigator  than  this  honest  seaman;  and, 
as  for  the  one  in  the  parti-colored  skin,  I  will  take 
upon  myself  to  say,  that  he  is  really  a  person  of 
some  consideration  in  his  own  little  circle.  He  is, 
I  believe,  a  member  of  par — par — par — am  I  right, 
Sir  John  ? — a  member  of " 

"  Parliament,  my  Lord — an  M.  P." 

"Ay — I  thought  I  had  it — an  M.  P.  or  a  member 
of  parliament  in  his  own  country,  which,  I  dare 
say,  now,  is  some  such  thing  among  his  people,  as 
a  public  proclaimer  of  those  laws  which  come  from 
His  Majesty's  eldest  first-cousin  of  the  masculine 
gender,  may  be  among  us.  Ssome  such  thing — eh — 
now — eh — is  it  not,  Sir  John  ?" 

"  I  dare  say  it  is,  my  Lord." 

"All  very  true,  Chatterino,"  put  in  one  of  the 
young  monikins,  with  a  very  long,  elaborated  tail, 
which  he  carried  nearly  perpendicular — "  but  what 
would  be  even  a  law-maker — to  say  nothing  of  law 
breakers  like  ourselves — among  men !  You  should 
remember,  my  dear  fellow,  that  a  mere  title,  or  a 
profession,  is  not  the  criterion  of  true  greatness;  but 
that  the  prodigy  of  a  village  may  be  a  very  com 
mon  monikin  in  town." 

"  Poh — poh" — interrupted  Lord  Chatterino, "  thou 

VOL.  I.  21 


242  THE    MON1KINS. 

art  ever  for  refining,  Hightail — Sir  John  Golden- 
calf  is  a  very  respectable  person  in  the  island  of — 
a — a — a — What  do  you  call  that  said  island  of 

yours,  Goldencalf  ? — a — a " 

"  Great  Britain,  my  Lord." 
"  Ay,  Great  Breeches,  sure  enough :  yes,  he  is 
a  respectable  person — I  can  take  it  upon  myself 
to  say,  with  confidence,  a  very  respectable  person, 
in  Great  Breeches.  I  dare  say  he  owns  no  small 
portion  of  the  island  himself.  How  much,  nov,-, 
Sir  John,  if  the  truth  were  told  ?" 

"  Only  the  estate  and  village  of  Householder, 
my  Lord,  with  a  few  scattered  manors,  here  and 
there." 

"  Well,  that  is  a  very  pretty  thing,  there  can  be 
no  doubt, — then  you  have  money  at  use  ?" 

"  And  who  is  the  debtor  ?"  sneeringly  inquired 
the  jack-a-napes  Hightail. 

"  No  other,  my  Lord  Hightail,  than  the  realm 
f>f  Great  Britain." 

"  Exquisite,  that,  egad  !  A  noble's  fortune  in  the 

custody  of  the  realm  of  a — Greek — a " 

"  Great  Breeches,"  interrupted  my  Lord  Chat- 
terino ;  who,  notwithstanding  he  swore  he  was 
excessively  angry  with  his  friend  for  his  obstinate 
incredulity,  very  evidently  had  to  exercise  some 
forbearance  to  keep  from  joining  in  the  general 
laugh.  "  It  is  a  very  respectable  country,  I  do 
protest ;  and  I  scarcely  remember  to  have  tasted 
better  gooseberries  than  they  grow  in  that  very 
island." 

"  What !  have  they  really  gardens,  Chatterino?" 
"  Certainly — after  a  fashion — and  houses,  and 
public  conveyances — and  even  universities." 

"  You  do  not  mean  to  say,  certainly,  that  they 
have  a  system !" 

"  Why,  as  to  system,  I  believe  they  are  a  little 


THE    MONIKINS.  243 

at  sixes  and  sevens.  I  really  can't  take  it  upon 
myself  to  say  that  they  have  a  system." 

"  Oh,  yes,  my  Lord, — of  a  certainty  we  have 
one — the  Social-stake  System. 

"  Ask  the  creature,"  whispered  audibly  the  filthy 
coxcomb  Hightail,  "  if  he  himself,  now,  has  any 
income." 

"  How  is  it,  Sir  John, — have  you  an  income  T" 

"  Yes,  my  Lord,  of  one  hundred  and  twelve 
thousand  sovereigns  a  year." 

"  Of  what  1 — of  what  ?"  demanded  two  or  three 
voices,  with  well-bred,  subdued  eagerness. 

"  Of  sovereigns — why  that  means  kings  !" 

It  would  appear  that  the  Leaphighers,  while 
they  obey  only  the  King's  eldest  first-cousin  of  the 
masculine  gender,  perform  all  their  official  acts  in 
the  name  of  the  sovereign  himself,  for  whose  person 
and  character  they  pretty  uniformly  express  the 
profoundest  veneration ;  just  as  we  men  express 
admiration  for  a  virtue  that  we  never  practise. 
My  declaration,  therefore,  produced  a  strong  sen 
sation,  and  I  was  soon  required  to  explain  myself. 
This  I  did,  by  simply  stating  the  truth. 

"  Oh,  gold,  y'clept  sovereigns  !"  exclaimed  three 
or  four,  laughing  heartily.  "  Why  then,  your 
famous  Great  Breeches  people,  after  all,  Chatteri- 
no,  are  so  little  advanced  in  civilization,  as  to  use 
gold  !  Harkee,  Signior — a — a — Boldercraft,  have 
you  no  currency  in  '  promises'  ?  " 

"  I  do  not  know,  sir,  that  I  rightly  comprehend 
the  question." 

"  Why,  we  poor  barbarians,  sir,  who  live  as 
you  see  us,  only  in  a  state  of  simplicity  and  na 
ture," — there  was  irony  in  every  syllable  the  im 
pudent  scoundrel  uttered, — "  we  poor  wretches, 
or  rather  our  ancestors,  made  the  discovery,  that, 
for  the  purposes  of  convenience,  having,  as  you 


244  THE    MONIK1NS. 

perceive,  no  pockets,  it  might  be  well  to  convert 
all  our  currency  into  '  promises.'  Now,  I  would 
ask  if  you  have  any  of  that  coin  ?" 

"  Not  as  coin,  sir,  but  as  collateral  to  coin,  we 
have  plenty." 

"  He  speaks  of  collaterals  in  currency,  as  if  he 
were  discussing  a  pedigree !  Are  you  really, 
Mynherr  Shouldercalf,  so  little  advanced  in  your 
country,  as  not  to  know  the  immense  advantages 
of  a  currency  of  *  promises'  ?" 

"  As  I  do  not  understand  exactly  what  the  na 
ture  of  this  currency  is,  sir,  I  cannot  answer  as 
readily  as  I  could  wish." 

"  Let  us  explain  it  to  him ;  for,  I  vow,  I  am 
really  curious  to  hear  his  answer.  Chatterino,  do 
you,  who  have  some  knowledge  of  the  thing's 
habits,  be  our  interpreter." 

"  The  matter  is  thus,  Sir  John.  About  five  hun 
dred  years  ago,  our  ancestors  having  reached  that 
pass  in  civilization  when  they  came  to  dispense 
with  the  use  of  pockets,  began  to  find  it  necessary 
to  substitute  a  new  currency  for  that  of  the  metals, 
which  it  was  inconvenient  to  carry,  of  which  they 
might  be  robbed,  and  which  also  were  liable  to  be 
counterfeited.  The  first  expedient  was  to  try  a 
lighter  substitute.  Laws  were  passed  giving  value 
to  linen  and  cotton,  in  the  raw  material ;  then, 
compounded  and  manufactured ;  next,  written  on, 
and  reduced  in  bulk,  until,  having  passed  through 
the  several  gradations  of  wrapping-paper,  brown- 
paper,  foolscap  and  blotting-paper,  and  having  set 
the  plan  fairly  at  work,  and  got  confidence  tho 
roughly  established,  the  system  was  perfected  by 
a  coup  de  main  ; — *  promises'  in  words,  were  sub 
stituted  for  all  other  coin.  You  see  the  advantage 
at  a  glance. — A  monikin  can  travel,  without  pock 
ets  or  baggage,  and  still  carry  a  million  ;  the  mo- 


THE    MOfflKINS.  245 

ney  cannot  be  counterfeited,  nor  can  it  be  stolen 
or  burned." 

"  But,  my  Lord,  does  it  not  depreciate  the  value 
of  property  ?" 

"Just  the  contrary: — an  acre  that  formerly 
could  be  bought  for  one  promise,  would  now  bring 
a  thousand." 

"  This  certainly  is  a  great  improvement,  unless 
frequent  failures " 

"  Not  at  all ;  there  has  not  been  a  bankruptcy 
in  Leaphigh  since  the  law  was  passed  making 
promises  a  legal  tender." 

"  I  wonder  no  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer 
ever  thought  of  this,  at  home  !" 

"  So  much  for  your  Great  Breeches,  Chatteri- 
no !"  And  then  there  was  another  and  a  very  gen 
eral  laugh.  I  never  before  felt  so  deep  a  sense  of 
national  humility. 

"  As  they  have  universities,"  cried  another  cox 
comb,  "  perhaps  this  person  has  attended  one  of 
them." 

"  Indeed,  sir,"  I  answered,  "  I  am  regularly 
graduated." 

"  It  is  not  easy  to  see  what  he  has  done  with 
his  knowledge, — for,  though  my  sight  is  none  of 
the  worst,  I  can  not  trace  the  smallest  sign  of  a 
cauda  about  him." 

"  Ah !"  Lord  Chatterino  good-naturedly  explain 
ed,  "  the  inhabitants  of  Great  Breeches  carry  their 
brains  in  their  heads." 

"  Their  heads !" 

"  Heads  !" 

"  That's  excellent,  by  His  Majesty's  preroga 
tive  !  Here's  civilization,  with  a  vengeance  !" 

I  now  thought  that  the  general  ridicule  would 
overwhelm  me.  Two  or  three  came  closer,  as  if 
21* 


246  THE    MONIK1NS. 

in  pity  or  curiosity ;  and,  at  last,  one  cried  out 
that  I  actually  wore  clothes. 

"  Clothes — the  wretch  !  Chatterino,  do  all  your 
human  friends  wear  clothes  ?" 

The  young  peer  was  obliged  to  confess  the  truth : 
and  then  there  arose  such  a  clamor  as  may  be 
fancied  took  place  among  the  peacocks,  when  they 
discovered  the  daw  among  them  in  masquerade. 
Human  nature  could  endure  no  more  ;  and,  bow 
ing  to  the  company,  I  wished  Lord  Chatterino, 
very  hurriedly  good  morning,  and  proceeded 
towards  the  tavern. 

"Don't  forget  to  step  into  Chatterino-house, 
Goldencalf,  before  you  sail,"  cried  my  late  fellow- 
traveller,  looking  over  his  shoulder,  and  nodding 
in  quite  a  friendly  way  towards  me. 

"  King!"  exclaimed  Captain  Poke.  "  That  black 
guard  ate  a  whole  bread-locker-full  of  nuts,  on  our 
outward  passage,  and,  now,  he  tells  us  to  step  into 
his  Chatterino-house,  before  we  sail!" 

I  endeavoured  to  pacify  the  sealer,  by  an  appeal 
to  his  philosophy.  It  was  true  that  men  never  for 
got  obligations,  and  were  always  excessively  anx 
ious  to  repay  them ;  but  the  monikins  were  an  ex 
ceedingly  instructed  species ;  they  thought  more 
of  their  minds  than  of  their  bodies,  as  was  plain 
by  comparing  the  smallness  of  the  latter  with  the 
length  and  development  of  the  seat  of  reason  ; 
and  one  of  his  experience  should  know  that  good- 
breeding  is  decidedly  an  arbitrary  quality,  and  that 
we  ought  to  respect  its  laws,  however  opposed  to 
our  own  previous  practices. 

"  I  dare  say,  friend  Noah,  you  may  have  ob 
served  some  material  difference  in  the  usages  of 
Paris,  for  instance,  and  those  of  Stunin'tun." 

"  That  I  have,  Sir  John,  that  I  have  ;  and  alto 
gether  to  the  advantage  of  Stunin'tun  be  they." 


THE   MOKIKWS.  247 

"  We  are  all  addicted  to  the  weakness  of  be 
lieving  our  own  customs  best ;  and  it  requires  that 
we  should  travel  much,  before  we  are  able  to  de 
cide  on  points  so  nice." 

"  And  do  you  not  call  me  a  traveller !  Have  n't  I 
been  sixteen  times  a  sealing,  twice  a  whaling,  with 
out  counting  my  cruise  over-land,  and  this  last  run 
to  Leaphigh !" 

"  Ay,  you  have  gone  over  much  land  and  much 
water,  Mr.  Poke;  but  your  stay  in  any  given  place 
has  been  just  long  enough  to  find  fault.  Usages 
must  be  worn,  like  a  shoe,  before  one  can  judge  of 
the  fit." 

It  is  possible  Noah  would  have  retorted,  had  not 
Mrs.  Vigilance  Lynx,  at  that  moment,  come  wrig 
gling  by,  in  a  way  to  show  she  was  much  satisfied 
with  her  safe  return  home.  To  own  the  truth, 
while  striving  to  find  apologies  for  it,  I  had  been  a 
little  contrarie,  as  the  French  term  it,  by  the  indif 
ference  of  my  Lord  Chatterino,  which,  in  my  secret 
heart,  I  was  not  slow  in  attributing  to  the  manner 
in  which  a  peer  of  the  realm  of  Leaphigh  regarded, 
de  haul  en  has,  a  mere  Baronet  of  Great  Britain — 
or  Great  Breeches,  as  the  young  noble  so  pertina 
ciously  insisted  on  terming  our  illustrious  island. 
Now,  as  Mrs.  Vigilance  was  of  "  russet-color,"  a 
caste  of  an  inferior  standing,  I  had  little  doubt  that 
she  would  be  as  glad  to  own  an  intimacy  with  Sir 
John  Goldencalf  of  Householder  Hall,  as  the  other 
might  be  willing  to  shuffle  it  off. 

"  Good  morrow,  good  Mrs.  Vigilance,"  I  said 
familiarly,  endeavoring  to  wriggle  in  a  way  that 
would  have  shaken  a  tail,  had  it  been  my  good  for 
tune  to  be  the  owner  of  one — "Good  morrow, 
good  Mrs.  Vigilance — I'm  glad  to  meet  you  again 
on  shore." 

I  do  not  remember  that  Mrs.  Vigilance,  during 


248  THE   MONIKINS. 

the  whole  period  of  our  acquaintance,  was  par 
ticularly  squeamish,  or  topping  in  her  deportment. 
On  the  contrary,  she  had  rather  made  herself  re 
markable  for  a  modest  and  commendable  reserve. 
But,  on  the  present  occasion,  she  disappointed  all 
reasonable  expectation,  by  shrinking  on  one  side, 
uttering  a  slight  scream,  and  hurrying  past  as  if 
she  thought  we  might  bite  her.  Indeed,  I  can  only 
compare  her  deportment  to  that  of  a  female  of  our 
own,  who  is  so  full  of  vanity  as  to  fancy  all  eyes 
on  her,  and  who  gives  herself  airs  about  a  dog  or 
a  spider,  because  she  thinks  they  make  her  look  so 
much  the  more  interesting.  Conversation  was  quite 
out  of  the  question ;  for  the  duenna  hurried  on, 
bending  her  head  downward,  as  if  heartily  ashamed 
of  an  involuntary  weakness. 

"  Well,  good  madam,"  said  Noah,  whose  stern 
eye  followed  her  movements  until  she  was  quite  lost 
in  the  crowd,  "you  would  have  had  a  sleepless 
v'yage,  if  I  had  fore-imagined  this !  Sir  John, 
these  people  stare  at  us  as  if  we  were  wild  beasts!" 

"  1  cannot  say  I  am  of  your  way  of  thinking, 
Captain  Poke.  To  me  they  seem  to  take  no  more 
notice  of  us,  than  we  should  take  of  two  curs  in  the 
streets  of  London." 

"  I  begin,  now,  to  understand  what  the  parsons 
mean  when  they  talk  of  the  lost  condition  of  man. 
It's  ra'ally  awful  to  witness  to  what  a  state  of  un- 
feelingness  a  people  can  be  abandoned !  Bob,  get 
out  of  the  way,  you  grinning  blackguard." 

Hereupon  Bob  received  a  salutation  which  would 
have  demolished  his  stern-frame,  had  it  not  been 
for  the  union-jack.  Just  then  I  was  glad  to  see 
Dr.  Reasono  advancing  towards  us,  surrounded  by 
a  group  of  attentive  listeners,  all  of  whom,  by  their 
years,  gravity  and  deportment,  I  made  no  question 
were  savans.  As  he  drew  near,  I  found  he  was 


THE    MONIKINS.  249 

discoursing  of  the  marvels  of  his  Jate  voyage. 
When  within  six  feet  of  us  the  whole  party  stopped, 
the  Doctor  continuing  to  descant,  with  a  very 
proper  gesticulation,  and  in  a  way  to  show  that  his 
subject  was  of  infinite  interest  to  his  listeners. 
Accidentally  turning  his  eye  in  our  direction,  he 
caught  a  glimpse  of  our  figures,  and  making  a  few 
hurried  apologies  to  those  around  him,  the  excel 
lent  philosopher  came  eagerly  forward,  with  both 
hands  extended.  Here  was  a  difference,  indeed, 
between  his  treatment  and  that  of  Lord  Chatterino 
and  the  duenna!  The  salutation  was  warmly 
returned;  and  the  Doctor  and  myself  stepped  a 
little  apart,  as  he  lost  no  time  in  informing  me  he 
wished  to  say  a  word  in  private. 

"My  dear  Sir  John,"  the  philosopher  began, 
"  our  arrival  has  been  the  most  happily-timed  thing 
imaginable!  All  Leaphigh,  by  this  time,  is  filled 
with  the  subject ;  and  you  can  scarcely  conceive 
the  importance  that  is  attached  to  the  event.  New 
sources  of  trade,  scientific  discoveries,  phenomena 
both  moral  and  physical,  and  results  that  it  is 
thought  may  serve  to  raise  the  monikin  civiliza 
tion  still  higher  than  ever.  Fortunately,  the  acad 
emy  holds  its  most  solemn  meeting  of  the  year  this 
very  day,  and  I  have  been  formally  requested  to 
give  the  assembly  an  outline  of  those  events  which 
have  lately  passed  before  my  eyes.  The  King's 
eldest  first-cousin  of  the  masculine  gender  is  to 
attend  openly;  and  it  is  even  conjectured,  in  a  way 
to  be  quite  authentic,  that  the  King  himself  will  be 
present  in  his  owrn  royal  person." 

"  How !"  I  exclaimed ;  "  have  you  a  mode,  in 
Leaphigh,  of  rendering  conjectures  certain  ?" 

"  Beyond  a  doubt,  sir,  or  what  would  our  civili 
zation  be  worth  1  As  to  the  King's  Majesty,  we 
always  deal  in  the  most  direct  ambiguities.  Now, 


250  THE    MONIKIIfSf 

as  respects  many  of  our  ceremonies,  the  sovereign 
is  known  morally  to  be  present,  when  he  may  be 
actually  and  physically  eating  his  dinner  at  the 
other  extremity  of  the  island ;  this  important  illus 
tration  of  the  royal  ubiquity  is  effected  by  means  of 
a  legal  fiction.  On  the  other  hand,  the  King  often 
indulges  his  natural  propensities,  such  as  curiosity, 
love  of  fun,  or  detestation  of  ennui,  by  coming 
in  person,  when,  by  the  court-fiction,  he  is  thought 
to  be  seated  on  his  throne,  in  his  own  royal  palace. 
Oh!  as  to  all  these  little  accomplishments  and  graces 
in  the  art  of  Truths,  we  are  behind  no  people  in  the 
universe !" 

"  I  beg  pardon,  Doctor — so  his  Majesty  is  ex 
pected  to  be  at  the  academy,  this  morning  1" 

"  In  a  private  box.  Now  this  affair  is  of  the  last 
importance  to  me  as  a  savant,  to  you  as  a  human 
-  being — for  it  will  have  a  direct  tendency  to  raise 
your  whole  species  in  the  monikin  estimation — and, 
lastly,  to  learning.  It  will  be  indispensably  neces 
sary  that  you  should  attend,  with  as  many  of  your 
companions  as  possible — more  especially  the  better 
specimens.  I  was  coming  down  to  the  landing,  in 
the  hope  of  meeting  you ;  and  a  messenger  has 
gone  off  to  the  ship  to  require  that  the  people  be 
sent  ashore  forthwith.  You  will  have  a  tribune  to 
yourselves;  and,  really,  I  do  not  like  to  express 
beforehand  what  I  think  concerning  the  degree  of 
attention  you  will  all  receive;  but  this  much  I  think 
I  can  say — you  will  see." 

"  This  proposition,  Doctor,  has  taken  me  a  little 
by  surprise,  and  I  hardly  know  what  answer  to 
give." 

"  You  cannot  say  no,  Sir  John ;  for,  should  his 
Majesty  hear  that  you  have  refused  to  come  to  a 
meeting  at  which  he  is  to  be  present,  it  would 


TK3    MONIKINS.  251 

seriously,  and,  I  might  add,  justly  offend  him : — 
nor  could  I  answer  for  the  consequences." 

"  Why,  I  was  told  that  all  the  power  was  in  the 
hands  of  his  Majesty's  eldest  first-cousin  of  the  mas 
culine  gender;  in  which  case  I  thought  I  might 
snap  my  fingers  at  his  Majesty  himself." 

"  Not  in  opinion,  Sir  John,  which  is  one  of  the 
three  estates  of  the  government.  Ours  is  a  govern 
ment  of  three  estates — viz.  the  Law,  Opinion,  and 
Practice.  By  law  the  king  rules,  by  practice  his 
cousin  rules,  and  by  opinion  the  king  again  rules. 
Thus  is  the  strong  point  of  practice  balanced  by 
law  and  opinion.  This  it  is  that  constitutes  the 
harmony  and  perfection  of  the  system.  No,  it 
would  never  do  to  offend  his  Majesty." 

Although  I  did  not  very  \vell  comprehend  the 
Doctor's  argument,  yet,  as  I  had  often  found  in 
human  society,  theories  political,  moral,  theological, 
and  philosophical,  that  everybody  had  faith  in,  and 
which  nobody  understood,  I  thought  discussion 
useless,  and  gave  up  the  point  by  promising  the 
Doctor  to  be  at  the  academy  in  half  an  hour,  which 
was  the  time  named  for  our  appearance.  Taking 
the  necessary  directions  to  find  the  place,  we  sepa 
rated  ;  he  to  hasten  to  make  his  preparations,  and  I 
to  reach  the  tavern,  in  order  to  deposit  our  baggage, 
that  no  decency  might  be  overlooked  on  an  occa 
sion  so  solemn. 


END  OF  VOL.  I. 


THE 


MONIKINS; 


EDITED  BY  THE  AUTHOR  OP  "THE  SPY." 


"Then  thou  knewest  her?"  said  the  knight. 

"Not  I,"  answered  the  squire;  "  but  the  person  who  told  me  the  story, 
said  it  was  so  true  and  certain,  that  if  ever  I  should  chance  to  tell  it  again, 
I  might  affirm  upon  oath,  that  I  had  seen  it  with  my  own  eyes." 

Sancko  Panza. 


IN  TWO  VOLUMES. 
VOL.  II. 


CAREY,  LEA,   &   BLANCHARD. 



1835. 


ENTERED  according  to  the  act  of  congress,  in  the  year  1835, 
by  CAHEY,  LEA,  &  BLAITCHARD,  in  the  clerk's  office  of  the  dis 
trict  court  of  the  eastern  district  of  Pennsylvania. 


CONTENTS  OF  VOL.  II. 


CHAPTER  I. 

Page 

An  inn — Debts  paid  in  advance,  and  a  singular  touch  of 
human  nature  found  closely  incorporated  with  monikin 
nature 5 

CHAPTER  II. 

New  lords,  new  laws — Gyration,  rotation,  and  another 
nation ; — also  an  invitation 26 

CHAPTER  III. 

A  court,  a  court-dress,  and  a  courtier — Justice  in  various 
aspects,  as  well  as  honor  ...;.-. .^  .  .  .  44 

CHAPTER  IV. 

About  the  humility  of  professional  saints,  a  succession  of 
tails,  a  bride  and  bridegroom,  and  other  heavenly  mat 
ters, — diplomacy  included  60 

CHAPTER  V. 

A  very  common  case— or  a  great  deal  of  law,  and  very 
little  justice.  Heads  and  tails — with  the  dangers  of 
each 74 

CHAPTER  VI. 

Better  and  better — More  law  and  more  justice — Tails 
and  heads;  the  importance  of  keeping  each  in  its 
proper  place 91 

CHAPTER  Vn. 

A  neophyte  in  diplomacy — diplomatic  introduction — a 
calculation — a  shipment  of  Opinions — how  to  choose 
an  invoice,  with  an  assortment 104 


IV  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  VIIL 

Political  boundaries — Political  rights — Political  selec 
tions,  and  political  disquisitions ;  with  political  results  117 

CHAPTER  IX. 

An  arrival — An  election — Architecture — A  rolling-pin, 
and  Patriotism  of  the  most  approved  water 135 

CHAPTER  X. 

A  fundamental  principle,  a  fundamental  law,  and  a  fun 
damental  error 154 

CHAPTER  XL 

How  to  enact  laws — Oratory,  logic  and  eloquence,  all 
considered  in  their  every-day  aspects 165 

CHAPTER  XII. 

An  effect  of  logarithms  on  morals — An  obscuration,  a 
dissertation,  and  a  calculation 184 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

The  importance  of  motives  to  a  legislator — Moral  con- 
secutiveness,  comets,  kites,  and  a  convoy ;  with  some 
every-day  legislation ;  together  with  cause  and  effect  199 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

Some  explanations — A  human  appetite — A  dinner,  and 
a  bonne  bouche 212 

V   "    •  ** 

CHAPTER  XV. 

Explanations — A  leave-taking — Love — Confessions,  but 
no  penitence  .  .  /.'.y.  .  v.  .  r  ,t.  %.  .  »-.  ....  225 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

Bliss — The  best  investment  in  society — the  result  of 
much  experience-r-and  The  End 234 


THE    MON1KINS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

An  inn — Debts  paid  in  advance,  and  a  singular  touch  of  human 
nature  found  closely  incorporated  with  monikin  nature. 

WE  soon  secured  rooms,  ordered  dinner,  brushed 
our  clothes,  and  made  the  other  little  arrangements 
that  it  was  necessary  to  observe  for  the  credit  of 
the  species.  Everything  being  ready,  we  left  the 
inn,  and  hurried  towards  the  "Palais  des  Arts  et  des 
Sciences."  We  had  not  got  out  of  sight  of  the  inn, 
however,  before  one  of  its  gardens  was  at  our  heels 
with  a  message  from  his  mistress.  He  told  us,  in 
very  respectful  tones,  that  his  master  was  out,  and 
that  he  had  taken  with  him  the  key  of  the  strong 
box  ;  that  there  was  not  actually  money  enough  in 
the  drawer  to  furnish  an  entertainment  for  such 
great  persons  as  ourselves,  and  she  had  taken  the 
liberty  to  send  us  a  bill  receipted,  with  a  request 
that  we  would  make  a  small  advance,  rather  than 
reduce  her  to  the  mortification  of  treating  such  dis 
tinguished  guests  in  an  unworthy  manner.  The 
bill  read  as  follows : — 

No.  1  parti-color  and  friends 

To  No.  82,763  grape  color          Dr. 
To  use  of  apartments,  with  meals  and  lights,  as 
per  agreement,  p.  p.  300  per  diem — one  day,        p.  p.  300 
By  cash  advanced,  50 

Balance  due  p.  p.  250 


n 

« 


6  THE    MONIKINS. 

"This  seems  all  right,"  I  observed  to  Noah;  "but 
I  am,  at  this  moment,  as  penniless  as  the  good  woman 
herself.  I  really  do  not  see  what  we  are  to  do, 
unless  Bob  sends  her  back  his  store  of  nuts " 

"  Harkee,  my  nimble-go-hop,"  put  in  the  seaman, 
"  what  is  your  pleasure!" 

The  waiter  referred  to  the  bill,  as  expressing  his 
mistress's  wants. 

"What  are  these  p.  p.  that  I  find  noted  in  the 
bill — play  or  pay,  hey?" 

"  Promises,  of  course,  your  honor." 

"  Oh !  then  you  desire  fifty  promises,  to  provide 
our  dinner." 

"  Nothing  more,  sir.  With  that  sum  you  shall 
dine  like  noblemen — ay,  sir,  like  aldermen." 

I  was  delighted  to  find  that  this  worthy  class  of 
beings  have  the  same  propensities  in  all  countries. 

"  Here,  take  a  hundred,"  answered  Noah,  snap 
ping  his  fingers,  "  and  make  no  bones  of  it  And 
harkee,  my  worthy — lay  out  every  farthing  of 
them  in  the  fare.  Let  there  be  good  cheer,  and  no 
one  will  grumble  at  the  bill.  I  am  ready  to  buy  the 
inn,  and  all  it  holds,  at  need." 

The  waiter  departed  well  satisfied  with  these 
assurances,  and  apparently  in  the  anticipation  of 
good  vails  for  his  own  trouble. 

We  soon  got  into  the  current  that  was  setting 
towards  our  place  of  destination.  On  reaching  the 
gate,  we  found  we  were  anxiously  expected ;  for 
there  was  an  attendant  in  waiting,  who  instantly 
conducted  us  to  the  seats  that  were  provided  for 
our  special  reception.  It  is  always  agreeable  to  be 
among  the  privileged,  and  I  must  own  that  we  were 
all  not  a  little  flattered,  on  finding  that  an  elevated 
tribune  had  been  prepared  for  us,  in  the  centre  of 
the  rotunda  in  which  the  academy  held  its  sittings, 
so  that  we  could  see,  and  be  seen  by,  every  indivi- 


THE  MONIKINS. 


dual  of  the  crowded  assembly.  The  whole  crew, 
even  to  the  negro-cook,  had  preceded  us ;  an  addi 
tional  compliment,  that  I  did  not  fail  to  acknowledge, 
by  suitable  salutations  to  all  the  members  present. 
After  the  first  feelings  of  pleasure  and  surprise  were 
a  little  abated,  I  had  leisure  to  look  about  me  and 
to  survey  the  company. 

The  academicians  occupied  the  whole  of  the 
body  of  the  rotunda,  the  space  taken  up  by  the 
erection  of  our  temporary  tribune  alone  excepted ; 
while  there  were  sofas,  chairs,  tribunes  and  benches 
arranged  for  the  spectators,  in  the  outer  circles, 
and  along  the  side- walls  of  the  hall.  As  the  edifice 
itself  was  very  large,  and  mind  had  so  essentially 
reduced  matter  in  the  monikin  species,  there  could 
not  have  been  less  than  fifty  thousand  tails  present. 
Just  before  the  ceremonies  commenced,  Dr.  Rea- 
sono  approached  our  tribune,  passing  from  one  to 
another  of  the  party,  saying  a  pleasant  and  an  encou 
raging  word  to  each,  in  a  way  to  create  high  expect 
ations  in  us  all,  as  to  what  was  to  follow.  We 
were  so  very  evidently  honored  and  distinguished, 
that  I  struggled  hard  to  subdue  any  unworthy  feel 
ing  of  pride,  as  unbecoming  human  meekness,  and 
in  order  to  maintain  a  philosophical  equanimity 
under  the  manifestations  of  respect  and  gratitude 
that  I  knew  were  about  to  be  lavished  upon  even 
the  meanest  of  our  party.  The  Doctor  was  yet  in 
the  midst  of  his  pointed  attentions,  when  the  King's 
eldest  first-cousin  of  the  masculine  gender  entered, 
and  the  business  of  the  meeting  immediately  began. 
I  profited  by  a  short  pause,  however,  to  say  a  lew 
words  to  my  companions*  I  told  them  there  would 
soon  be  a  serious  demand  on  their  modesty.  We 
had  performed  a  great  and  generous  exploit,  and  it 
did  not  become  us  to  tessen'its  merit  by  betraying 
a  vain-glorious  self-esteem.  I  implored  them  all  to 


8  THE   MONIKINS. 

take  pattern  by  me;  promising,  in  the  end,  that 
their  new  friends  would  trebly  prize  their  hardihood, 
self-denial  and  skill. 

There  was  a  new  member  of  the  academy  of 
Latent  Sympathies  to  be  received  and  installed.  A 
long  discourse  was  read  by  one  of  this  department 
of  the  monikin  learning,  which  pointed  out  and 
enlarged  on  the  rare  merits  of  the  new  academician. 
He  was  followed  by  the  latter ;  who,  in  a  very  ela 
borate  production,  that  consumed  just  fifty-five 
minutes  in  the  reading,  tried  all  he  could  to  persuade 
the  audience  that  the  defunct  was  a  loss  to  the  world, 
that  no  accident  or  application  would  ever  repair; 
and  that  he  himself  was  precisely  the  worst  person 
who  could  have  been  selected  to  be  his  successor. 
I  was  a  little  surprised  at  the  perfect  coolness  with 
which  the  learned  body  listened  to  a  reproach,  that 
was  so  very  distinctly  and  perseveringly  thrown, 
as  it  were,  into  their  very  teeth.  But  a  more  inti 
mate  acquaintance  with  monikin  society  satisfied 
me,  that  any  one  might  say  just  what  he  pleased, 
so  long  as  he  allowed  that  every  one  else  was  an 
excellent  fellow,  and  he  himself  the  poorest  devil 
going.  When  the  new  member  had  triumphantly 
established  his  position,  and  just  as  I  thought  his 
colleagues  were  bound,  in  common  honesty,  to 
reconsider  their  vote,  he  concluded  and  took  his 
seat  among  them,  with  quite  as  much  assurance  as 
the  best  philosopher  of  them  all. 

After  a  short  pause,  and  an  abundance  of  felici 
tations  on  his  excellent  and  self-debasing  discourse, 
the  newly-admitted  member  again  rose,  and  began 
to  read  an  essay  on  some  discoveries  he  had  made 
in  the  science  of  Latent  Sympathies.  According  to 
his  account  of  the  matter,  every  monikin  possessed 
a  fluid  which  was  invisible,  like  the  animalcula 
which  pervade  nature,  and  which  required  only 


THE   MONIKINS.  9 

to  be  brought  into  command,  and  to  be  reduced  to 
more  rigid  laws,  to  become  the  substitutes  for  the 
senses  of  sight,  touch,  taste,  hearing  and  smelling. 
This  fluid  was  communicable ;  and  had  already  been 
so  far  rendered  subject  to  the  will,  as  to  make  it  of 
service  in  seeing  in  the  dark,  in  smelling  when  the 
operator  had  a  bad  cold,  in  tasting  when  the  palate 
was  down,  and  in  touching  by  proxy.     Ideas  had 
been   transmitted,  through   its   agency,  sixty-two 
leagues  in  one  minute  and  a  half.     Two  monikins, 
who  were  afflicted  with  diseased  tails,  had,  during 
the  last  two  years,  been  insulated  and  saturated, 
and  had  then  lost  those  embellishments,  by  opera 
tions;  a  quantity  of  the  fluid  having  been  substituted 
in  their  places  so  happily,  that  the  patients  fancied 
themselves  more  than  ever  conspicuous  for  the 
length  and  finesse  of  their   cauda.    An  experi 
ment  had  also  been  successfully  tried  on  a  member 
of  the  lower  house  of  parliament,  who,  being  mar 
ried  to  a  monikina  of  unusual  mind,  had  for  a  long 
time  been  supplied  with  ideas  from  this  source, 
although   his   partner  was   compelled  to   remain 
at  home,  in  order  to  superintend  the  management 
of  their  estate,  forty-two  miles  from  town,  during 
the  whole  session.     He  particularly  recommended 
to  government  the  promotion  of  this  science,  as  it 
might  be  useful  in  obtaining  evidence  for  the  pur 
poses  of  justice,  in  detecting  conspiracies,  in  col 
lecting  the  taxes,  and  in  selecting  candidates  for 
trusts  of  a  responsible  nature.   The  suggestion  was 
well  received  by  the  King's  cousin,  more  especially 
those  parts  that  alluded  to  sedition  and  the  revenue. 
This  essay  was  also  perfectly  well  received  by 
the  savans,  for  I  afterwards  found  very  little  came 
amiss  to  the  academy ;  and  the  members  named 
a  committee  forthwith,  to  examine  into  "  the  facts 


10  THE   MONIKWS. 

concerning  invisible  and  unknown  fluids,  their  agen 
cy,  importance,  and  relations  to  monikin  happiness." 

We  were  next  favored  with  a  discussion  on  the 
different  significations  of  the  word  gorstchwzyb ; 
which,  rendered  into  English,  means  "  eh !"  The 
celebrated  philologist  who  treated  the  subject,  dis 
covered  amazing  ingenuity  in  expatiating  on  its 
ramifications  and  deductions.  First,  he  tried  the 
letters  by  transpositions,  by  which  he  triumphantly 
proved  that  it  was  derived  from  all  the  languages 
of  the  ancients ;  the  same  process  showed  that  it 
possessed  four  thousand  and  two  different  significa 
tions  ;  he  next  reasoned  most  ably  and  comprehen 
sively  for  ten  minutes,  backwards  and  forwards, 
using  no  other  word  but  this,  applied  in  its  various 
senses ;  after  which,  he  incontrovertibly  established 
that  this  important  part  of  speech  was  so  useful  as 
to  be  useless,  and  he  concluded  by  a  proposition, 
in  which  the  academy  coincided  by  acclamation, 
that  it  should  be  for  ever  and  incontinently  expunged 
from  the  Leaphigh  vocabulary.  As  the  vote  was 
carried  by  acclamation,  the  King's  cousin  arose, 
and  declared  that  the  writer  who  should  so  far 
offend  against  good  taste,  as  hereafter  to  make  use  of 
the  condemned  word,  should  have  two  inches  cut  oft' 
the  extremity  of  his  tail.  A  shudder  among  the 
ladies,  who,  I  afterwards  ascertained,  loved  to  carry 
their  caudca  as  high  as  our  women  like  to  carry  their 
heads,  proved  the  severity  of  the  decree. 

An  experienced  and  seemingly  much  respected 
member  now  arose  to  make  the  following  propo 
sal.  He  said  it  was  known  that  the  monikin  species 
was  fast  approaching  perfection ;  that  the  increase 
of  mind  and  the  decrease  of  matter  was  so  very 
apparent  as  to  admit  of  no  denial ;  that,  in  his  own 
case,  he  found  his  physical  powers  diminish  daily, 
while  his  mental  acquired  new  distinctness  and[ 


THE    MONIKINS.  11 

force ;  that  he  could  no  longer  see  without  specta 
cles,  hear  without  a  tube,  or  taste  without  high- 
seasoning  :  from  all  this  he  inferred  that  they  were 
drawing  near  to  some  important  change,  and  he 
wished  that  portion  of  the  science  of  Latent  Sym 
pathies  which  was  connected  with  the  unknown 
fluid,  just  treated  on,  might  be  referred  to  a  com 
mittee  of  the  whole,  in  order  to  make  some  provi 
sion  for  the  wants  of  a  time  when  monikins  should 
finally  lose  their  senses.  There  was  nothing  to  say 
against  a  proposition  so  plausible,  and  it  was  ac 
cepted  nemine  contradicenie,  with  the  exception  of 
a  fewr  in  the  minority. 

There  was  now  a  good  deal  of  whispering,  much 
wagging  of  tails,  and  other  indications  that  the  real 
business  of  the  meeting  was  about  to  be  touched 
upon.  All  eyes  were  turned  on  Dr.  Reasono,  who, 
after  a  suitable  pause,  entered  a  tribune  prepared 
for  solemn  occasions,  and  began  his  discourse. 

The  philosopher,  who,  having  committed  his  essay 
to  memory,  spoke  extempore,  commenced  with  a 
beautiful  and  most  eloquent  apostrophe  to  learn 
ing,  and  to  the  enthusiasm  which  glows  in  the 
breasts  of  all  her  real  votaries,  rendering  them 
alike  indifferent  to  their  personal  ease,  their  tempo 
ral  interests,  danger,  suffering,  and  tribulations  of 
the  spirit.  After  this  exordium,  which  was  pro 
nounced  to  be  unique  for  its  simplicity  and  truth, 
he  entered,  at  once,  on  the  history  of  his  own  re 
cent  adventures. 

First  alluding  to  the  admirable  character  of  that 
Leaphigh  usage  which  prescribes  the  Journey  of 
Trial,  our  philosopher  spoke  of  the  manner  in  which 
he  had  been  selected  to  accompany  my  Lord  Chat- 
terino  on  an  occasion  so  important  to  his  future 
hopes.  He  dwelt  on  the  physical  preparations,  the 
previous  study,  and  the  moral  machinery  that  he 


12  THE   MONIKINS. 

had  employed  with  his  pupil,  before  they  quitted 
town ;  all  of  which,  there  is  reason  to  think,  were 
well  fitted  to  their  objects,  as  he  was  constantly 
interrupted  by  murmurs  of  applause.  After  some 
time  spent  in  dilating  on  these  points,  I  had,  at 
length,  the  satisfaction  to  find  him,  Mrs.  Lynx,  and 
their  two  wards,  fairly  setting  out  on  a  journey 
which,  as  he  very  justly  mentioned,  proved  "  to  be 
pregnant  with  events  of  so  much  importance  to 
knowledge  in  general,  to  the  happiness  of  the  spe 
cies,  and  to  several  highly  interesting  branches  of 
monikin  science,  in  particular."  I  say  the  satisfac 
tion,  for,  to  own  the  truth,  I  was  eager  to  witness 
the  effect  that  would  be  made  on  the  monikin  sen 
sibilities,  when  he  came  to  speak  of  my  own  dis 
cernment  in  detecting  theirreal  characters  beneath 
the  contumely  and  disgrace  in  which  it  had  been 
my  good  fortune  to  find  them,  the  promptitude  with 
which  I  had  stepped  forward  to  their  relief,  and  the 
liberality  and  courage  with  which  I  had  furnished 
the  means  and  encountered  the  risks,  that  were  ne 
cessary  to  restore  them  to  their  native  land.  The 
anticipation  of  this  human  triumph  could  not  but 
diffuse  a  general  satisfaction  in  our  tribune, — even 
the  common  mariners,  as  they  recalled  the  dangers 
through  which  they  had  passed,  feeling  a  conscious 
ness  of  deserving,  mingled  with  that  soothing  sen 
timent  which  is  ever  the  companion  of  a  merited 
reward.  As  the  philosopher  drew  nearer  to  the 
time  when  it  would  be  necessary  to  speak  of  us,  I 
threw  a  look  of  triumph  at  Lord  Chatterino,  which, 
however,  failed  of  its  intended  effect, — the  young 
peer  continuing  to  whisper  to  his  noble  companions 
with  just  as  much  self-importance  and  coolness  as 
if  he  had  not  been  one  of  the  rescued  captives. 

Dr.  Reasono  was  justly  celebrated,  among  his 
colleagues,  for  ingenuity  and  eloquence.     The  ex- 


THE   MON1KINS.  13 

cellent  morals  that  he  threw  into  every  possible 
opening  of  his  subject,  the  beauty  of  the  figures 
with  which  they  were  illustrated,  and  the  mascu 
line  tendencies  of  his  argument,  gave  general  de 
light  to  the  audience.  The  Journey  of  Trial  was 
made  to  appear,  what  it  had  been  intended  to  be 
by  the  fathers  and  sages  of  the  Leaphigh  institutions, 
a  probation  replete  with  admonitions  and  instruc 
tion.  The  aged  and  experienced,  who  had  grown 
callous  by  time,  could  not  conceal  their  exultation; 
the  mature  and  suffering  looked  grave  and  full  of 
meditation ;  while  the  young  and  sanguine  fairly 
trembled,  and,  for  once,  doubted.  But,  as  the  phi 
losopher  led  his  party  from  precipice  to  precipice 
in  safety,  as  rocks  were  scaled  and  seductive  val 
leys  avoided,  a  common  feeling  of  security  began 
to  extend  itself  among  the  audience;  and  we  all 
followed  him  in  his  last  experiment  among  the  ice, 
with  that  sort  of  blind  confidence  which  the  soldier 
comes,  in  time,  to  entertain  in  the  orders  of  a  tried 
and  victorious  general. 

The  Doctor  was  graphic  in  his  account  of  the 
manner  in  which  he  and  his  wards  plunged  among 
these  new  trials.  The  lovely  Chatterissa  (for  all  his 
travelling  companions  were  present,)  bent  aside  her 
head  and  blushed,  as  the  philosopher  alluded  to  the 
manner  in  which  the  pure  flame  that  glowed  in  her 
gentle  bosom  resisted  the  chill  influence  of  that  cold 
region  ;  and  when  he  recited  an  ardent  declaration 
that  my  Lord  Chatterino  had  made  on  the  centre 
of  a  floe,  and  the  kind  and  amorous  answer  of  his 
mistress,  I  thought  the  applause  of  the  old  acade 
micians  would  have  actually  brought  the  vaulted 
dome  clattering  about  our  ears. 

At  length  he  reached  the  point  in  the  narrative, 
where  the  amiable  wanderers  fell  in  with  the  seal 
ers,  on  that  unknown  island  to  which  chance  and 

VOL.  II.  2 


14  THE   MON1K1NS. 

an  adverse  fortune  had  unhappily  led  them,  in  their 
pilgrimage.  I  had  taken  measures  secretly  to  in 
struct  Mr.  Poke  and  the  rest  of  my  companions,  as 
to  the  manner  in  which  it  became  us  to  demean 
ourselves,  while  the  Doctor  was  acquainting  the 
academy  with  that  first  outrage  committed  by  hu 
man  cupidity,  or  the  seizure  of  himself  and  friends. 
We  were  to  rise,  in  a  body,  and,  turning  our  faces 
a  little  on  one  side,  veil  our  eyes  in  sign  of  shame. 
Less  than  this,  it  struck  me,  could  scarcely  be  done, 
without  manifesting  an  improper  indifference  to 
monikin  rights ;  and  more  than  this,  might  have 
been  identifying  ourselves  with  the  particular  indi 
viduals  of  the  species  who  had  perpetrated  the 
wrong.  But  there  was  no  occasion  to  exhibit  this 
delicate  attention  to  our  learned  hosts.  The  Doc 
tor,  with  a  refinement  of  feeling  that  did  credit, 
indeed,  to  monikin  civilization,  gave  an  ingenious 
turn  to  the  whole  affair,  which  at  once  removed  all 
cause  of  shame  from  our  species ;  and  which,  if  it 
left  reason  for  any  to  blush,  by  a  noble  act  of  dis 
interestedness,  threw  the  entire  onus  of  the  obliga 
tion  on  himself.  Instead  of  dwelling  on  the  ruth* 
less  manner  in  which  he  and  his  friends  had  been 
seized,  the  worthy  Doctor  very  tranquilly  informed 
his  listeners  that,  finding  himself,  by  hazard,  brought 
in  contact  with  another  species,  and  that  the  means 
of  pushing  important  discoveries  were  unexpectedly 
placed  in  his  power ;  conscious  it  had  long  been 
a  desideratum  with  the  savans  to  obtain  a  nearer 
view  and  more  correct  notions  of  human  society ; 
believing  he  had  a  discretion  in  the  matter  of  his 
wards,  and  knowing  that  the  inhabitants  of  Leap- 
low,  a  republic  which  all  disliked,  were  seriously 
talking  of  sending  out  an  expedition  for  this  very 
purpose,  he  had  promptly  decided  to  profit  by 
events,  to  push  inquiry  to  the  extent  of  his  abilities, 


THE   MONlKItfS.  15 

and  to  hazard  all  in  the  cause  of  learning  and  truth, 
by  at  once  engaging  the  vessel  of  the  sealers,  and 
sailing,  without  dread  of  consequences,  forthwith 
into  the  very  bosom  of  the  world  of  man ! 

I  have  listened  with  awe  to  the  thunder  of  the 
tropics, — I  have  held  my  breath  as  the  artillery  of 
a  fleet  vomited  forth  its  fire,  and  rent  the  air  with 
sudden  concussions, — I  have  heard  the  roar  of  the 
tumbling  river  of  the  Canadas,  and  I  have  stood 
aghast  at  the  crashing  of  a  forest  in  a  tornado ; — 
but  never  before  did  I  feel  so  life-stirring,  so  thrill 
ing  an  emotion,  of  surprise,  alarm  and  sympathy, 
as  that  which  arose  within  me,  at  the  burst  of  com 
mendation  and  delight  with  which  this  announce 
ment  of  self-devotion  and  enterprise  was  received 
by  the  audience.  Tails  waved,  pattes  met  each  other 
in  ecstasy,  voice  whistled  to  voice,  and  there  was 
one  common  cry  of  exultation,  of  rapture  and  of 
glorification,  at  this  proof,  not  of  monikin,  for  that 
would  have  been  frittering  away  the  triumph,  but 
at  this  proof  of  Leaphigh  courage ! 

During  the  clamor,  I  took  an  opportunity  to 
express  my  satisfaction  at  the  handsome  manner 
in  which  our  friend  the  Doctor  had  passed  over 
an  acknowledged  human  delinquency,  and  the  inge 
nuity  with  which  he  had  turned  the  whole  of  the 
unhappy  transaction  to  the  glory  of  Leaphigh. 
Noah  answered  that  the  philosopher  had  certainly 
"  shown  a  knowledge  of  human  natur',  and  he  pre 
sumed  of  monikin  natur',  in  the  matter;  no  one 
would  now  dispute  his  statement,  since,  as  he  knew 
by  experience,  no  one  was  so  likely  to  be  set  down 
as  a  liar,  as  he  who  endeavored  to  unsettle  the 

food  opinion  that  either  a  community  or  an  indivi- 
ual  entertained  of  himself.     This  was  the  way  at 
Stunin'tun,  and  he  believed  this  was  pretty  much 
the  way  at  New- York,  or  he  might  say  with  the 


16  THE    MONIK1NS. 

whole  'arm,  from  pole  to  pole.  As  for  himself, 
however,  he  owned  he  should  like  to  have  a  few 
minutes'  private  conversation  with  the  sealer  in 
question,  to  hear  his  account  of  the  matter;  he 
didn't  know  any  owner  in  his  part  of  the  world, 
who  would  bear  a  captain  out,  should  he  abandon 
a  v'yage  in  this  way,  on  no  better  security  than  the 
promises  of  a  monkey,  and  of  a  monkey,  too,  who 
must,  of  necessity,  be  an  utter  stranger  to  him." 

When  the  tumult  of  applause  had  a  little  abated, 
Dr.  Reasono  proceeded  with  his  narrative.  He 
touched  lightly  on  the  accommodations  of  the 
schooner,  which  he  gave  us  reason  to  think  were 
altogether  of  a  quality  beneath  the  condition  of  her 
passengers;  and  he  added  that,  falling  in  with  a 
larger  and  fairer  vessel,  which  was  making  a  passage 
between  Bombay  and  Great  Britain,  he  profited  by 
the  occasion,  to  exchange  ships.  This  vessel  touched 
at  the  island  of  St.  Helena,  where,  according  to  the 
Doctor's  account  of  the  matter,  he  found  means  to 
pass  the  greater  part  of  a  week  on  shore. 

Of  the  island  of  St.  Helena  he  gave  a  long,  scien 
tific,  and  certainly  an  interesting  account.  It  was 
reported  to  be  volcanic,  by  the  human  savans,  he 
said,  but  a  minute  examination  and  a  comparison 
of  the  geological  formation,  &c.,  had  quite  satisfied 
him  that  their  own  ancient  account,  which  was 
contained  in  the  mineralogical  works  of  Leaphigh, 
was  the  true  one;  or,  in  other  words,  that  this  rock 
was  a  fragment  of  the  polar  world  that  had  been 
blown  away  at  the  great  eruption,  and  which  had 
become  separated  from  the  rest  of  the  mass  at  this 
spot,  where  it  had  fallen  and  become  a  fixture  of 
the  ocean.  Here  the  Doctor  produced  certain  spe 
cimens  of  rock,  which  he  submitted  to  the  learned 
present,  inviting  their  attention  to  its  character,  and 
asking,  with  great  mineralogical  confidence,  if  it  did 


fHE   MONlKItfS.  17 

not  intimately  resemble  a  well-known  stratum  of  a 
mountain  within  two  leagues  of  the  very  spot  they 
were  in  ?  This  triumphant  proof  of  the  truth  of  his 
proposition  was  admirably  received ;  and  the  phi 
losopher  was  in  particular  rewarded  by  the  smiles 
of  all  the  females  present;  for  ladies  usually  are 
well  pleased  with  any  demonstration  that  saves 
them  the  trouble  of  comparison  and  reflection. 

Before  quitting  this  branch  of  his  subject,  the 
Doctor  observed  that,  interesting  as  were  these 
proofs  of  the  accuracy  of  their  histories,  and  of  the 
great  revolutions  of  inanimate  nature,  there  was 
another  topic  connected  with  St.  Helena,  which,  he 
felt  certain,  would  excite  a  lively  emotion  in  the 
breasts  of  all  who  heard  him.  At  the  period  of  his 
visit,  the  island  had  been  selected  as  a  prison  for  a 
great  conqueror  and  disturber  of  his  fellow-crea 
tures  ;  and  public  attention  was  much  drawn  to  the 
spot  by  this  circumstance,  few  men  coming  there 
who  did  not  permit  all  their  thoughts  to  be  absorbed 
by  the  past  acts,  and  the  present  fortunes,  of  the 
individual  in  question.  As  for  himself,  there  was 
of  course  no  great  attraction  in  any  events  con 
nected  with  mere  human  greatness,  the  little  strug 
gles  and  convulsions  of  the  species  containing  no 
particular  interest  for  a  devotee  of  the  monikin 
philosophy;  but  the  manner  in  which  all  eyes  were 
drawn  in  one  direction,  afforded  him  a  liberty  of 
action  that  he  had  eagerly  improved,  in  a  way  that, 
he  humbly  trusted,  would  not  be  thought  altogether 
unworthy  of  their  approbation.  While  searching 
for  minerals  among  the  clifis,  his  attention  had  been 
drawn  to  certain  animals  that  arc  called  monkeys, 
in  the  language  of  those  regions;  which,  from  very 
obvious  affinities  of  a  physical  nature,  there  was 
some  reason  to  believe  might  have  had  a  common 
origin  with  the  monikin  .species.  The  academy 


18  THE   MOMK1NS. 

would  at  once  see  how  desirable  it  was  to  learn 
all  the  interesting  particulars  of  the  habits,  lan 
guage,  customs,  marriages,  funerals,  religious  opi 
nions,  traditions,  state  of  learning,  and  general 
moral  condition  of  this  interesting  people,  with  a 
view  to  ascertain  whether  they  were  merely  one 
of  those  abortions  to  which,  it  is  known,  nature  is 
in  the  practice  of  giving  birth,  in  the  outward  ap 
pearance  of  their  own  species,  or  whether,  as  seve 
ral  of  their  best  writers  had  plausibly  maintained, 
they  were  indeed  a  portion  of  those  whom  they 
had  been  in  the  habit  of  designating  as  the  "  Lost 
Monikins."  He  had  succeeded  in  getting  access 
to  a  family  of  these  beings,  and  in  passing  an  entire 
day  in  their  society.  The  result  of  his  investigations 
was,  that  they  were  truly  of  the  monikin  family, 
retaining  much  of  the  ingenuity  and  many  of  the 
spiritual  notions  of  their  origin,  but  witli  their  intel 
lects  sadly  blunted,  and  perhaps  their  improvable 
qualities  annihilated,  by  the  concussion  of  the  ele 
ments  that  had  scattered  them  abroad  upon  the 
face  of  the  earth,  houseless,  hopeless,  regionless 
wanderers.  The  vicissitudes  of  climate,  and  a  great 
alteration  of  habits,  had  certainly  wrought  some 
physical  changes ;  but  there  still  remained  a  suffi 
cient  scientific  identity  to  prove  they  were  monikins. 
They  even  retained,  in  their  traditions,  some  glim 
merings  of  the  awful  catastrophe  bv  which  they 
were  separated  from  the  rest  of  their  fellow-crea 
tures;  but  they  necessarily  were  vague  and  profitless. 
Having  touched  on  several  other  points  connected 
with  these  very  extraordinary  facts,  the  Doctor 
concluded  by  saying  that  he  saw^but  one  way  in 
which  this  discovery  could  be  turned  to  any  prac 
tical  advantage,  beyond  the  confirmation  it  alFordcd 
of  the  truth  of  their  own  annals.  He  suggested  the 
expediency  of  fitting  out  expeditions  to  go  among 


THE    MOKIK/IKS.  19 

these  islands  and  seize  upon  a  number  of  families, 
which,  being  transported  into  Leaphigh,  might  found 
a  race  of  useful  menials,  who,  wrhile  they  would 
prove  much  less  troublesome  than  those  who  pos 
sessed  all  the  knowledge  of  monikins,  would  proba 
bly  be  found  more  intelligent  and  useful  than  any 
domestic  animal  which  they  at  present  owned. 
This  happy  application  of  the  subject  met  with 
decided  commendation.  I  observed  that  most  of 
the  elderly  females  put  their  heads  together  on  the 
spot,  and  appeared  to  be  congratulating  each  other 
on  the  prospect  of  being  speedily  relieved  from  their 
household  cares. 

Dr.  Reasono  next  spoke  of  his  departure  from 
St.  Helena,  and  of  his  finally  landing  in  Portugal. 
Here,  agreeably  to  his  account,  he  engaged  cer 
tain  Savoyards  to  act  as  his  couriers  and  guides, 
during  a  tour  he  intended  to  make  through  Portu 
gal,  Spain,  Switzerland,  France,  &c.  &c.  &c.  I 
listened  with  admiration.  Never  before  had  I 
so  lively  a  perception  of  the  vast  difference  that 
is  effected  in  our  views  of  matters  and  things,  by 
the  agency  of  an  active  philosophy,  as  was  now 
furnished  by  the  narrative  of  the  speaker.  Instead 
of  complaining  of  the  treatment  he  had  received, 
and  of  the  degradations  to  which  he  and  his  com 
panions  had  been  subjected,  he  spoke  of  it  all  as  so 
much  prudent  submission,  on  his  part,  to  the  cus 
toms  of  the  countries  in  which  he  happened  to  find 
himself,  and  as  the  means  of  ascertaining  a  thou 
sand  important  facts,  both  moral  and  physical, 
which  he  proposed  to  submit  to  the  academy  in  a 
separate  memoir,  another  day.  At  present,  he 
was  admonished  by  the  clock  to  conclude,  and  he 
would  therefore  hasten  his  narrative,  as  much  as 
possible. 

The  Doctor,  with  great  ingenuousness,  confessed 


20  THE   MOMKIN& 

that  he  could  gladly  have  passed  a  year  or  two 
longer  in  those  distant  and  highly  interesting  por 
tions  of  the  earth ;  but  he  could  not  forget  that  he 
had  a  duty  to  perform  to  the  friends  of  two  noble 
families.  The  Journey  of  Trial  had  been  completed 
under  the  most  favorable  auspices,  and  the  ladies 
naturally  became  anxious  to  return  home.  They 
had  accordingly  passed  into  Great  Britain,  a  coun 
try  remarkable  for  maritime  enterprise,  where  he 
immediately  commenced  the  necessary  prepara 
tions  for  their  sailing.  A  ship  had  been  procured 
under  the  promise  of  allowing  it  to  be  freighted, 
free  of  custom-house  charges,  with  the  products 
of  Leaphigh.  A  thousand  applications  had  been 
made  to  him  for  permission  to  be  of  his  party,  the 
natives  naturally  enough  wishing  to  see  a  civilized 
country;  but  prudence  had  admonished  him  to 
accept  of  those  only  who  were  the  most  likely  to 
make  themselves  useful.  The  King  of  Great  Bri 
tain,  no  mean  prince  in  human  estimation,  had 
committed  his  only  son  and  heir-apparent  to  his 
care,  with  a  view  to  his  improvement  by  travel 
ling;  and  the  Lord  High  Admiral  himself  had 
asked  permission  to  take  command  of  an  expedi 
tion  that  was  of  so  much  importance  to  knowledge 
in  general,  and  to  his  own  profession  in  particular. 
Here  Dr.  Reasono  ascended  our  tribune,  and 
presented  Bob  to  the  academy  as  the  Prince-Royal 
of  Great  Britain,  and  Captain  Poke  as  her  Lord 
High  Admiral!  He  pointed  out  certain  peculiar 
ities  about  the  former,  the  smut  in  particular, 
which  had  become  pretty  effectually  incorporated 
with  the  skin,  as  so  many  signs  of  royal  birth; 
and  ordering  the  youngster  to  uncase,  he  drew 
forth  the  union-jack  that  the  lad  carefully  kept 
about  his  nether  part  as  a  fender,  and  exhibited  it 
as  his  armorial  bearings — a  modification  of  its 


THE    MONIK1NS.  21 

uses  that  would  not  have  been  very  far  out  of  the 
way,  had  another  limb  been  substituted  for  the 
agent.  As  for  Captain  Poke,  he  requested  the 
academicians  to  study  his  nautical  air,  in  general, 
as  furnishing  sufficient  proof  of  his  pursuits,  and 
of  the  ordinary  appearance  of  human  seamen. 

Turning  to  me,  I  was  then  introduced  to  all 
present  as  the  travelling  governor  and  personal 
attendant  of  Bob,  and  as  a  very  respectable  per 
son  in  my  way.  He  added,  that  he  believed,  also, 
I  had  some  pretension  to  be  the  discoverer  of 
something  that  was  called  the  social-stake  system ; 
which,  he  dared  to  say,  was  a  very  creditable  dis 
covery  for  one  of  my  opportunities. 

By  this  prompt  substitution  of  employments,  I 
found  I  had  effectually  changed  places  with  the 
cabin-boy;  who,  instead  of  waiting  on  me,  was,  in 
future,  to  receive  that  trifling  attention  at  my 
hands.  The  mates  were  presented  as  two  rear- 
admirals  at  nurse,  and  the  crew  was  said  to  be 
composed  of  so  many  post-captains  in  the  navy 
of  Great  Britain.  To  conclude,  the  audience  was 
given  to  understand  that  we  Were  all  brought  to 
Leaphigh,  like  the  minerals  from  St.  Helena,  as 
so  many  specimens  of  the  human  species ! 

I  shall  not  deny  that  Dr.  Reasono  had  taken  a 
very  different  view  of  himself  and  his  acts,  as  well 
as  of  me  and  my  acts,  from  those  I  had  all  along 
entertained  myself;  and  yet,  on  reflection,  it  is  so 
common  to  consider  ourselves  in  lights  very  dif 
ferent  from  those  in  which  we  are  viewed  by 
others,  that  I  could  not,  on  the  whole,  complain  as 
much  of  his  representations  as  I  had  at  first  thought 
it  might  become  me  to  do.  .  At  all  events,  I  was 
completely  spared  the  necessity  of  blushing  for  my 
generosity  and  disinterestedness,  and  in  other  re 
spects  was  saved  the  pain  of  viewing  any  part 


22  THE    NONIKINS. 

of  my  own  conduct  under  a  consciousness  of  its- 
attracting  attention  by  its  singularity  on  the  score 
of  merit  I  must  say,  nevertheless,  that  I  was  both 
surprised,  and  a  little  indignant ;  but  the  sudden  and 
unexpected  turn  that  had  been  given  to  the  whole 
affair  threw  me  so  completely  off  my  centre,  that, 
for  the  life  of  me,  I  could  not  say  a  word  in  my  own 
behalf.  To  make  the  matter  worse,  that  monkey 
Chatterino  nodded  to  me  kindly,  as  if  he  would 
show  the  spectators  that,  on  the  whole,  he  thought 
me  a  very  good  sort  of  a  fellow ! 

After  the  lecture  was  over,  the  audience  ap 
proached  to  examine  us,  taking  a  great  many 
amiable  liberties  with  our  persons,  and  otherwise 
showing  that  we  were  deemed  curiosities  wor 
thy  of  their  study.  The  King's  cousin,  too,  was 
not  neglectful  of  us,  but  he  had  it  announced  to 
the  assembly  that  we  were  entirely  welcome  to 
Leaphigh;  and  that,  out  of  respect  to  Dr.  Reasono, 
we  were  all  promoted  to  the  dignity  of  "  Honorary 
Monikins,"  for  the  entire  period  of  our  stay  in  the 
country.  He  also  caused  it  to  be  proclaimed,  that 
if  the  boys  annoyed  us  in  the  streets,  they  should 
have  their  tails  curled  with  birch  curling-irons.  As 
for  the  Doctor  himself,  it  was  proclaimed  that,  in 
addition  to  his  former  title  of  F.U.D.G.E.,  he  was 
now  preferred  to  be  even  M.  O.  R.  E.,  and  that  he 
was  also  raised  to  the  dignity  of  an  H.O.A.X.,  the 
very  highest  honor  to  which  any  savant  of  Leap- 
high  could  attain. 

At  length  curiosity  was  appeased,  and  we  were 
permitted  to  descend  from  the  tribune;  the  com 
pany  ceasing  to  attend  to  us,  in  order  to  pay 
attention  to  each  other.  As  I  had  time,  now,  to 
recollect  myself,  I  did  not  lose  a  moment  in  taking 
the  two  mates  aside,  to  present  a  proposition  that 
we  should  go,  in  a  body,  before  a  notary,  and  enter 


THE    MONJKINTS.  23 

a  protest  against  the  unaccountable  errors  into 
which  Dr.  Reasono  had  permitted  himself  to  fall, 
whereby  the  truth  was  violated,  the  rights  of  per 
sons  invaded,  humanity  dishonored,  and  the  Leap- 
high  philosophy  misled.  I  cannot  say  that  my  ar 
guments  were  well  received ;  and  I  was  compelled 
to  quit  the  two  rear-admirals,  and  to  go  in  quest  of 
the  crew,  with  the  conviction  that  the  former  had  been 
purchased.  An  appeal  to  the  reckless,  frank,  loyal 
natures  of  the  common  seamen,  I  thought,  would 
not  fail  to  meet  with  better  success.  Here,  too,  I  was 
fated  to  encounter  disappointment.  The  men  swore 
a  few  hearty  oaths,  and  affirmed  that  Leaphigh  was 
a  good  country.  They  expected  pay  and  rations, 
as  a  matter  of  course,  in  proportion  to  their  new 
rank ;  and  having  tasted  the  sweets  of  command, 
they  were  not  yet  prepared  to  quarrel  with  their 
good  fortune,  and  to  lay  aside  the  silver  tankard 
for  the  tar-pot. 

Quitting  the  rascals,  whose  heads  really  appear 
ed  to  be  turned  by  their  unexpected  elevation,  I 
determined  to  hunt  up  Bob,  and,  by  dint  of  Mr. 
Poke's  ordinary  application,  compel  him,  at  least, 
in  despite  of  the  union-jack,  to  return  to  a  sense  of 
his  duty,  and  to  reassume  his  old  post  as  the  servi 
tor  of  my  wants.  I  found  the  little  blackguard  in 
the  midst  of  a  bevy  of  monikinas  of  all  ages,  who 
were  lavishing  their  attentions  on  his  worthless  per 
son,  and  otherwise  doing  all  they  could  to  eradicate 
everything  like^  humility,  or  any  good  quality  that 
might  happen  to  remain  in  him.  He  certainly  gave 
me  a  fair  opportunity  to  commence  the  attack,  for 
he  wore  the  union-jack  over  his  shoulder,  in  the 
manner  of  a  royal  mantle,  while  the  females  of  in 
ferior  rank  pressed  about  him  to  kiss  its  hem !  The 
air  with  which  he  received  this  adulation,  fairly 
imposed  on  even  me ;  and,  fearful  that  the  monikinas 
might  mob  me,  should  I  attempt  to  undeceive  them, 


24  THE    MONIK1NS. 

— for  monikinas,  let  them  be  of  what  species  they 
may,  always  hug  a  delusion, — I  abandoned  my 
hostile  intentions,  for  the  moment,  and  hurried  after 
Mr.  Poke,  little  doubting  my  ability  of  bringing 
one  of  his  natural  rectitude  of  mind,  to  a  right  way 
of  thinking. 

The  Captain  heard  my  remonstrances  with  a 
decent  respect.  He  even  seemed  to  enter  into  my 
feelings  with  a  proper  degree  of  sympathy.  He 
very  frankly  admitted  that  I  had  not  been  well 
treated  by  Dr.  Reasono,  and  he  appeared  to  think 
that  a  private  conversation  with  that  individual 
might  yet  possibly  have  the  effect  of  bringing  him 
to  a  more  reasonable  representation  of  facts.  But, 
as  to  any  sudden  and  violent  appeal  to  public  opin 
ion  for  justice,  or  an  ill-advised  recourse  to  a  nota 
ry,  he  strenuously  objected  to  both.  The  purport 
of  his  remarks  was  somewhat  as  follows : — 

"  He  was  not  acquainted  with  the  Leaphigh  law 
of  protests,  and,  in  consequence,  we  might  spend 
our  money  in  paying  fees,  without  reaping  any  ad 
vantage  ;  the  Doctor,  moreover,  was  a  philosopher, 
an  F.  U.  D.  G.  E.,  and  an  H.  O.  A.  X.,  and  these  were 
fearful  odds  to  contend  against  in  any  country,  and 
more  especially  in  a  foreign  country ;  he  had  an 
innate  dislike  for  law-suits ;  the  loss  of  my  station 
was  certainly  a  grievance,  but,  still,  it  might  be 
borne ;  as  for  himself,  he  never  asked  for  the  office 
of  Lord  High  Admiral  of  Great  Britain,  but,  as  it 
had  been  thrust  upon  him,  why,  he  wrould  do  his 
best  to  sustain  the  character ;  he  knew  his  friends 
at  Stunin'tun  would  be  glad  to  hear  of  his  promo 
tion,  for,  though  in  his  country  there  were  no  Lords, 
nor  even  any  Admirals,  his  countrymen  were  always 
exceedingly  rejoiced  whenever  any  of  their  fellow- 
citizens  were  preferred  to  those  stations  by  any  body 
but  themselves,  seeming  to  think  an  honor  confer 
red  on  one,  was  an  honor  conferred  on  the  whole 


THE    MONIKINS.  25 

nation ;  he  liked  to  confer  honor  on  his  own  nation, 
for  no  people  on  'arth  tuck  up  a  notion  of  this  sort, 
and  divided  it  among  themselves  in  a  way  to  give 
each  a  share,  sooner  than  the  people  of  the  States, 
though  they  were  very  cautious  about  leaving  any' 
portion  of  the  credit  in  first  hands,  and,  therefore, 
he  was  disposed  to  keep  as  much  as  he  could,  while 
it  was  in  his  power ;  he  believed  he  was  a  better 
seaman  than  most  of  the  Lord  High  Admirals  who 
had  gone  before  him,  and  he  had  no  fears  on  that 
score ;  he  wondered  whether  his  promotion  made 
Miss  Poke  Lady  High  Admiral ;  as  I  seemed  great 
ly  put  out  about  my  own  rank,  he  would  give  me 
the  acting  appointment  of  a  chaplain,  (he  didn't 
think  I  was  qualified  to  be  a  sea-officer,)  and  no 
doubt  I  had  interest  enough  at  home  to  get  it  con 
firmed  ;  a  great  statesman  in  his  country  had  said, 
"  that  few  die  and  none  resigned,"  and  he  did  n't 
like  to  be  the  first  fo  set  new  fashions ;  for  his  part, 
he  rather  looked  upon  Dr.  Reasono  as  his  friend, 
and  it  was  unpleasant  to  quarrel  with  one's  friends ; 
he  was  willing  to  do  any  thing,  in  reason,  but  re 
sign,  and  if  I  could  persuade  the  Doctor  to  say  he 
had  fallen  into  a  mistake  in  my  particular  case,  and 
that  I  had  been  sent  to  Leaphigh  as  a  Lord  High 
Ambassador,  Lord  High  Priest,  or  Lord  High  any 
thing  else,  except  Lord  High  Admiral,  why,  he  was 
ready  to  swear  to  it — though  he  now  gave  notice 
that,  in  the  event  of  such  an  arrangement,  he  should 
claim  to  rank  me  in  virtue  of  the  date  of  his  own 
commission;  if  he  gave  up  his  appointment  a  minute 
sooner  than  was  absolutely  necessary,  he  should 
lose  his  own  self-respect,  and  never  dare  look  Miss 
Poke  in  the  face,  again ;  on  the  whole,  he  should 
do  no  such  thing ;  and,  finally,  he  wished  me  a 
good  morning,  as  he  was  about  to  make  a  call  on 
the  Lord  High  Admiral  of  Leaphigh.'; 
VOL.  II.  3 


26  THE   MONIKINS. 


CHAPTER  II. 

New  lords,  new  laws — Gyration,  rotation,  and  another  na 
tion  ; — also  an  invitation. 

I  FELT  that  my  situation  had  now  become  ex 
ceedingly  peculiar.  It  is  true  that  my  modesty  had 
been  unexpectedly  spared,  by  the  very  ingenious 
turn  Dr.  Reasono  had  given  to  the  history  of  our 
connexion  with  each  other;  but  I  could  not  see  that 
I  had  gained  any  other  advantage  by  the  expedient. 
All  my  own  species  had,  in  a  sense,  cut  me ;  and  I 
was  obliged  to  turn  despondingly,  and  not  without 
humiliation,  towards  the  inn,  where  the  banquet 
ordered  by  Mr.  Poke  waited  our  appearance. 

I  had  reached  the  great  square,  when  a  tap  on 
the  knee  drew  my  attention  to  one  at  my  side.  The 
applicant  for  notice  was  a  monikin,  who  had  all  the 
physical  peculiarities  of  a  subject  of  Leaphigh,  and 
yet,  who  was  to  be  distinguished  from  most  of  the 
inhabitants  of  that  country,  by  a  longer  and  less 
cultivated  nap  to  his  natural  garment,  greater 
shrewdness  about  the  expression  of  the  eyes  and 
the  mouth,  a  general  air  of  business,  and,  for  a 
novelty,  a  bob-cauda.  He  was  accompanied  by  posi 
tively  the  least  well-favored  being  of  the  species  I 
had  yet  seen.  I  was  addressed  by  the  former. 

"  Good  morning,  Sir  John  Goldencalf,"  he  com 
menced,  with  a  sort  of  jerk,  that  I  afterwards 
learned  was  meant  for  a  diplomatic  salutation; 
"  you  have  not  met  with  the  very  best  treatment 
to-day,  and  I  have  been  waiting  for  a  good  oppor 
tunity  to  make  my  condolences,  and  to  offer  my 
services." 


THE    MONIKINS.  27 

•"•Sir,  you  are  only  too  good.  I  do  feel  a  little 
wronged ;  and  I  must  say,  sympathy  is  most  grate 
ful  to  my  feelings.  You  will,  however,  allow  me 
to  express  my  surprise  at  your  being  acquainted 
with  my  real  name,  as  well  as  with  my  misfor 
tunes?" 

"  Why,  sir,  to  own  the  truth,  I  belong  to  an  ex 
amining  people.  The  population  is  very  much 
scattered  in  my  country,  and  we  have  fallen  into  a 
practice  of  inquiry  that  is  very  natural  to  such  a 
state  of  things.  I  think  you  must  have  observed 
that  in  passing  along  a  common  highway,  you 
rarely  meet  another  without  a  nod;  while  thou 
sands  are  met  in  a  crowded  street  without  even  a 
glance  of  the  eye.  We  develop  this  principle,  sir ; 
and  never  let  any  fact  escape  us,  for  the  want  of  a 
laudable  curiosity." 

"  You  are  not  a  subject  of  Leaphigh*  then  ?" 

"  God  forbid ! — No,  sir,  I  am  a  citizen  of  Leap- 
low,  a  great  and  a  glorious  republic  that  lies  three 
days'  sail  from  this  island ;  a  new  nation,  which  is 
in  the  enjoyment  of  all  the  advantages  of  youth  and 
vigor,  and  which  is  a  perfect  miracle  for  the  bold 
ness  of  its  conceptions,  the  purity  of  its  institutions, 
and  its  sacred  respect  for  the  rights  of  monikins.  I 
have  the  honor  to  be,  moreover,  the  Envoy  Extra 
ordinary  and  Minister  Plenipotentiary  of  the  repub 
lic  to  the  King  of  Leaphigh,  a  nation  from  which 
we  originally  sprung,  but  which  we  have  left  far 
behind  us  in  the  race  of  glory  and  usefulness.  I 
ought  to  acquaint  you  with  my  name,  sir,  in  return 
for  the  advantage  I  possess  on  this  head,  in  relation 
to  yourself." 

Hereupon  my  new  acquaintance  put  into  my 
hand  one  of  his  visiting-cards,  which  contained  as 
follows : — 


28  THE    MON1K1KS. 

General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel, 

PEOPLE'S  FRIEND: 

Envoy  Extraordinary  and  Minister  Plenipo 
tentiary  from  the  Republic  of  Leaplow 
near  his  Majesty  the  King  of  Leaphigh. 

"  Sir,"  said  I,  pulling  off  my  hat  with  a  profound 
reverence,  "  I  was  not  aware  to  whom  I  had  the 
honor  of  speaking.  You  appear  to  fill  a  variety 
of  employments,  and  I  make  no  doubt,  with  equal 
skill." 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  believe  I  am  about  as  good  at  one 
of  my  professions,  as  at  another." 

"  You  will  permit  me  to  observe,  however,  Gene 
ral — a — a — Judge — a — a — I  scarcely  know,  dear 
sir,  which  of  these  titles  is  the  most  to  your  taste  1" 

"  Use  which  you  please,  sir. — I  began  with  Gen 
eral,  but  had  got  as  low  as  Colonel  before  I  left 
home.  People's  Friend  is  the  only  appellation  of 
which  I  am  at  all  tenacious.  Call  me  People's 
Friend,  sir,  and  you  may  call  me  anything  else  you 
find  most  convenient." 

"  Sir,  you  are  only  too  obliging.  May  I  venture 
to  ask  if  you  have  really,  proprid  persona,  filled  all 
these  different  stations  in  life  r' 

"Certainly,  sir — I  hope  you  do  not  mistake  me 
for  an  impostor !" 

"  As  far  from  it  as  possible. — But  a  judge  and  a 
commodore,  for  instance,  are  characters  whose 
duties  are  so  utterly  at  variance,  in  human  affairs, 
that  I  will  allow  I  find  the  conjunction,  even  in  a 
monikin,  a  little  extraordinary." 

'•Not  at  all,  sir.  I  was  duly  elected  to  each, 
served  my  time  out  in  them  all,  and  have  honorable 
discharges  to  show  in  every  instance." 

"  You  must  have  found  some  perplexity  in  the 
performance  of  duties  so  very  different?" 


THE    MONIKINS.  29 

"  Ah — I  see  you  have  been  long  enough  in  Leap- 
high  to  imbibe  some  of  its  prejudices !  It  is  a  sad 
country  for  prejudice.  I  got  my  foot  mired  in  some 
of  them  myself,  as  soon  as  it  touched  the  land. 
Why,  sir,  my  card  is  an  illustration  of  what  we 
call,  in  Leaplow,  rotation  in  office." 

"  Rotation  in  office !" 

"  Yes,  sir,  rotation  in  office ;  a  system  that  we 
invented  for  our  personal  convenience,  and  which 
is  likely  to  be  firm,  as  it  depends  on  principles  that 
are  eternal." 

"  Will  you  suffer  me  to  inquire,  Colonel,  if  it  has 
any  affinity  to  the  social-stake  system?" 

"  Not  in  the  least.  That,  as  I  understand  it,  is  a 
stationary,  while  this  is  a  rotatory  system.  Nothing 
is  simpler.  We  have  in  Leaplow  two  enormous 
boxes  made  in  the  form  of  wheels.  Into  one  we 
put  the  names  of  the  citizens,  and  into  the  other  the 
names  of  the  offices.  We  then  draw  forth,  in  the 
manner  of  a  lottery ;  and  the  thing  is  settled  for  a 
twelvemonth." 

"  I  find  this  rotatory  plan  exceedingly  simple — 
pray,  sir,  does  it  work  as  well  as  it  promises  ?" 

"  To  perfection. — We  grease  the  wheels,  of 
course,  periodically." 

"  And  are  not  frauds  sometimes  committed  by 
those  who  are  selected  to  draw  the  tickets?" 

"  Oh !  they  are  chosen  precisely  in  the  same 
way." 

"  But  those  who  draw  their  tickets  1" 

"  All  rotatory — they  are  drawn  exactly  on  the 
same  principle." 

"  But  there  must  be  a  beginning.  Those,  again, 
who  draw  tfteir  tickets— they  may  betray  their 
trusts?" 

"Impossible — they  are  always  the  most  Patriotic 
Patriots  of  the  land  !  No,  no,  sir — we  are  not  such 
3* 


30  THE    MONIKINS. 

dunces  as  to  leave  anything  to  corruption.  Chance 
does  it  all.  Chance  makes  me  a  commodore  to 
day — a  judge  to-morrow.  Chance  makes  the  lottery 
boys,  and  chance  makes  the  patriots.  It  is  neces 
sary  to  see  in  order  to  understand  how  much  purer 
and  useful  is  your  chance  patriot,  for  instance,  than 
one  that  is  bred  to  the  calling." 

"  Why,  this  savors,  after  all,  of  the  doctrine  of 
descents,  which  is  little  more  than  a  matter  of 
chance." 

"It  would  be  so,  sir,  I  confess,  were  it  not 
that  our  chances  centre  in  a  system  of  patriots. 
Our  approved  patriots  are  our  guarantees  against 
abuses^ " 

"  Hem  '."—interrupted  the  companion  of  Commo 
dore  People's  Friend,  with  an  awkward  distinct 
ness,  as  if  to  recall  himself  to  our  recollection. 

"  Sir  John,  I  crave  pardon  for  great  remissness — 
allow  me  to  present  my  fellow-citizen,  Brigadier 
Downright,  a  gentleman  who  is  on  his  travels,  like 
yourself;  and  as  excellent  a  fellow  as  is  to  be  found 
in  the  whole  monikin  region." 

"Brigadier  Downright,  I  crave  the  honor  of  your 
acquaintance. — But,  gentlemen,  I  too  have  been 
sadly  negligent  of  politeness.  A  banquet  that  has 
cost  a  hundred  promises  is  waiting  my  appearance; 
and,  as  some  of  the  expected  guests  are  unavoid 
ably  absent,  if  you  would  favor  me  with  your  ex 
cellent  society,  we  might  spend  an  agreeable  hour 
in  the  further  discussion  of  these  important  inte 
rests." 

As  neither  of  the  strangers  made  the  smallest 
objection  to  the  proposal,  we  were  all  soon  com 
fortably  seated  at  the  dinner-table.  The  Commo 
dore,  who,  it  would  seem,  was  habitually  well  fed, 
merely  paid  a  little  complimentary  attention  to  the 
banquet ;  but  Mr.  Downright  attacked  it  tooth  and 


THE    MONIKINS.  31 

nail,  and  I  had  no  great  reason  to  regret  the 
absence  of  Mr.  Poke.  In  the  mean  time,  the  con 
versation  did  not  flag. 

"  I  think  I  understand  the  outline  of  your  system, 
Judge  People's  Friend,"  I  resumed,  "  with  the  ex 
ception  of  the  part  that  relates  to  the  Patriots. 
Would  it  be  asking  too  much  to  request  a  little 
explanation  on  that  particular  point  ?" 

"Not  in  the  least,  sir*  Our  social  arrangement 
is  founded  on  a  hint  from  nature ;  a  base,  as  you 
will  concede,  that  is  broad  enough  to  sustain  the 
universe.  As  a  people,  we  are  a  hive  that  formerly 
swarmed  from  Leaphigh;  and  finding  ourselves 
free  and  independent,  we  set  about  forthwith  build 
ing  the  social  system  on  not  only  a  sure  foundation, 
but  on  sure  principles.  Observing  that  nature  dealt 
in  duplicates,  we  pursued  the  hint,  as  the  leading 
idea " 

"  In  duplicates,  Commodore !" 

"  Certainly,  Sir  John — a  monikin  has  two  eyes, 
two  ears,  two  nostrils,  two  lungs,  two  arms,  two 
hands,  two  legs,  two  feet,  and  so  on  to  the  end  of 
the  chapter.  On  this  hint,  we  ordered  that  there 
should  be  drawn,  morally,  in  every  district  of  Leap- 
low,  two  distinct  and  separate  lines,  that  should 
run  at  right  angles  to  each  other.  These  were 
termed  the  "  political  land-marks"  of  the  country ; 
and  it  was  expected  that  every  citizen  should  range 
himself  along  one  or  the  other. — All  this  you  will 
understand,  however,  was  a  moral  contrivance,  not 
a  physical  one." 

"  Is  the  obligation  of  this  moral  contrivance  im 
perative?"  . 

"Not  legally,  it  is  true;  but  then,  he  who  does  not 
respect  it  is  like  one  who  is  out  of  fashion,  and  he  is  so 
generally  esteemed  a  poor  devil,  that  the  usage  has 
a  good  deal  more  than  the  force  of  a  law.  At  first, 


32  THE   MON1K1NS. 

it  was  intended  to  make  it  a  part  of  the  con 
stitution;  but  one  of  our  most  experienced  states 
men  so  clearly  demonstrated  that,  by  so  doing,  we 
should  not  only  weaken  the  nature  of  the  obliga 
tion,  but  most  probably  raise  a  party  against  it,  the 
idea  was  abandoned.  Indeed,  if  any  thing,  both  the 
letter  and  the  spirit  of  the  fundamental  law  have 
been  made  to  lean  a  little  against  the  practice ;  but 
having  been  cleverly  introduced,  in  the  way  of  con 
struction,  it  is  now  bone  of  our  bone,  and  flesh  of 
our  flesh.  Well,  sir,  these  two  great  political  land 
marks  being  fairly  drawn,  the  first  effort  of  one 
who  aspires  to  be  thought  a  Patriot,  is  to  acquire 
the  practice  of  'toeing  the  mark'  promptly  and 
with  facility.  But  should  I  illustrate  my  positions 
by  a  few  experiments,  you  might  comprehend  the 
subject  all  the  better. — For  though,  in  fact,  the  true 
evolutions  are  purely  moral,  as  I  have  just  had  the 
honor  to  explain,  yet  we  have  instituted  a  physical 
parallel  that  is  very  congenial  to  our  habits,  with 
which  the  neophyte  always  commences." 

Here  the  Commodore  took  a  bit  of  chalk  and 
drew  two  very  distinct  lines,  crossing  each  other 
at  right  angles,  through  the  centre  of  the  room. 
When  this  was  done,  he  placed  his  feet  together, 
and  then  he  invited  me  to  examine  if  it  were  possi 
ble  to  see  any  part  of  the  planks  between  the  extre 
mities  of  his  toes  and  the  lines.  After  a  rigid  look, 
I  was  compelled  to  confess  it  was  not. 

"  This  is  what  we  call  « toeing  the  mark ;'  it  is 
4  Social  Position,,  No.  1.'  Almost  every  citizen  gets 
to  be  expert  in  practising  it,  on  one  or  the  other  of 
the  two  great  political  lines.  After  this,  he  who 
would  push  his  fortunes  further,  commences  his 
career  on  the  great  rotatory  principle." 

"Your  pardon,  Commodore; — we  call  the  word 
rotary,  in  English." 


THE   MONIKINS.  33 

"  Sir,  it  is  not  expressive  enough  for  our  mean 
ing;  and  therefore  we  term  it  '  rotatory.'  I  shall 
now  give  you  an  example  of  Position  No.  2." 

Here  the  Commodore  made  a  spring,  throwing 
his  body,  as  a  soldier  would  express  it,  to  the  "right 
about,"  bringing,  at  the  same  time,  his  feet  entirely 
on  the  other  side  of  the  line ;  always  rigidly  toe 
ing  the  mark. 

"  Sir,"  said  I,  "  this  was  extremely  well  done ; 
but  is  this  evolution  as  useful  as  certainly  it  is 
dexterous  ?" 

"It  has  the  advantage  of  changing  front,  Sir 
John ;  a  manoeuvre  quite  as  useful  in  politics  as  in 
war.  Most  all  in  the  line  get  to  practise  this,  too, 
as  my  friend  Downright,  there,  could  show  you, 
were  he  so  disposed." 

"  I  do  n't  like  to  expose  my  flanks,  or  my  rear, 
more  than  another,"  growled  the  Brigadier. 

"  If  agreeable,  I  will  now  show  you  Gyration 
2d,  or  Position  No.  3." 

On  my  expressing  a  strong  desire  to  see  it,  the 
Commodore  put  himself  again  in  Position  No.  1 ; 
and  then  he  threw  what  Captain  Poke  was  in  the 
habit  of  calling  a  *  flap-jack,'  or  a  summerset; 
coming  down  in  a  way  tenaciously  to  toe  the 
mark. 

I  was  much  gratified  with  the  dexterity  of  the 
Commodore,  and  frankly  expressed  as  much ;  in 
quiring,  at  the  same  time,  if  many  attained  to  the 
same  skill.  Both  the  Commodore  and  the  Briga 
dier  laughed  at  the  simplicity  of  the  question ;  the 
former  answering  that  the  people  of  Leaplow 
were  exceedingly  active  and  adventurous,  and  both 
lines  had  got  to  be  so  expert,  that,  at  the  word  of 
command,  they  would  throw  their  summersets  in 
as  exact  time,  and  quite  as  promptly,  as  a  regi- 

*         * 


34  THE    MOfflKIffS. 

ment  of  guards  would  go  through  the  evolution 
of  slapping  their  cartridge-boxes. 

"  What,  sir,"  I  exclaimed,  in  admiration,  "  the 
entire  population !" 

"Virtually,  sir.  There  is,  now  and  then,  a 
stumbler ;  but  he  is  instantly  kicked  out  of  sight, 
and  uniformly  counts  for  nothing." 

"  But  as  yet,  Commodore,  your  evolutions  are 
altogether  too  general  to  admit  of  the  chance 
selection  of  patriots,  since  patriotism  is  usually  a 
monopoly." 

"  Very  true,  Sir  John;  I  shall  therefore  come  to 
the  main  point  without  delay.  Thus  far,  it  is 
pretty  much  an  affair  of  the  whole  population,  as 
you  say;  few  refusing  to  toe  the  mark,  Or  to 
throw  the  necessary  flap-jacks,  as  you  have  inge 
niously  termed  them.  The  lines,  as  you  may  per 
ceive,  cross  each  other  at  right  angles;  and  there 
is  consequently  some  crowding,  and,  occasionally, 
a  good  deal  of  jostling,  at  and  near  the  point  of 
junction.  We  begin  to  term  a  monikin  a  Patriot, 
when  he  can  perform  this  evolution." 

Here  the  Commodore  threw  his  heels  into  the 
air  with  such  rapidity  that  I  could  not  very  well 
tell  what  he  was  about,  though  it  was  sufficiently 
apparent  that  he  was  acting  entirely  on  the  rota 
tory  principle.  I  observed  that  he  alighted,  with 
singular  accuracy,  on  the  very  spot  where  he  had 
stood  before,  toeing  the  mark  with  beautiful  pre 
cision. 

"  That  is  what  we  call  Gyration  3d,  or  Position 
No.  4.  He  who  can  execute  it  is  considered  an 
adept  in  our  politics ;  and  he  invariably  takes  his 
position  near  the  enemy,  or  at  the  junction  of  the 
hostile  lines." 

"  How,  sir,  are  these  lines,  then,  manned  as  they 


THE   MONIK1NS.  35 

are  with  citizens  of  the   same  country,  deemed 
hostile !" 

"Are  cats  and  dogs  hostile,  sir? — Certainly, 
although  standing,  as  it  might  be,  face  to  face, 
acting  on  precisely  the  same  principle,  or  the  rota 
tory  impulse,  and  professing  to  have  exactly  the 
same  object  in  view,  viz.  the  common  good,  they 
are  social,  political,  and  I  might  almost  say,  the 
moral  antipodes  of  each  other.  They  rarely  inter 
marry,  never  extol,  and  frequently  refuse  to  speak 
to  one  another.  In  short,  as  the  Brigadier  could  tell 
you,  if  he  were  so  disposed,  they  are  antagonist, 
body  and  soul.  To  be  plain,  sir,  they  are  enemies." 

"This  is  very  extraordinary  for  fellow-citizens!" 

"  'Tis  the  monikin  nature,"  observed  Mr.  Down 
right  ;  "  no  doubt,  sir,  men  are  much  wiser  ?" 

As  I  did  not  wish  to  divert  the  discourse  from 
the  present  topic,  I  merely  bowed  to  this  remark, 
and  begged  the  Judge  to  proceed. 

"  Weil,  sir,"  continued  the  latter,  "  you  can 
easily  imagine  that  they  who  are  placed  near  the 
point  where  the  two  lines  meet,  have  no  sinecures. 
To  speak  the  truth,  they  blackguard  each  other 
with  all  their  abilities,  he  who  manifests  the  most 
inventive  genius  in  this  high  accomplishment,  being 
commonly  thought  the  cleverest  fellow.  Now,  sir, 
none  but  a  patriot  could,  in  the  nature  of  things, 
endure  this  without  some  other  motive  than  his 
country's  good,  and  so  we  esteem  them." 

"  But  the  most  Patriotic  Patriots,  Commodore  ?" 

The  minister  of  Leaphigh  now  toed  the  mark 
again,  placing  himself  within  a  few  feet  of  the 
point  of  junction  between  the  two  lines;  and  then 
he  begged  me  to  pay  particular  attention  to  his 
evolution.  When  all  was  ready,  the  Commodore 
threw  himself,  as  it  were,  invisibly  into  the  air 
again,  head  over  heels,  so  far  as  I  could  discover, 


36  THE   MONIKINS. 

and  alighted  on  the  antagonist  line,  toeing  the 
mark  with  a  most  astonishing  particularity.  It  was 
a  clever  gyration,  beyond  a  doubt ;  and  the  per 
former  looked  towards  me,  as  if  inviting  com 
mendation. 

"  Admirably  executed,  Judge,  and  in  a  way  to 
induce  one  to  believe  that  you  must  have  paid  great 
attention  to  the  practice." 

"  I  have  performed  this  mano3uvre,  Sir  John,  five 
times  in  real  life ;  and  my  claim  to  be  a  Patriotic 
Patriot  is  founded  on  its  invariable  success.  A 
single  false  step  might  have  ruined  me;  but  as 
you  say,  practice  makes  perfect,  and  perfection  is 
the  parent  of  success." 

"  And  yet  I  do  not  rightly  understand  how  so 
sudden  a  desertion  of  one's  own  side,  to  go  over,  in 
this  active  manner,  head  over  heels,  I  may  say,  to 
another  side,  constitutes  a  fair  claim  to  be  deemed 
so  pure  a  character  as  that  of  a  patriot." 

"  What,  sir,  is  not  he  who  throws  himself  de- 
fencelessly  into  the  very  middle  of  the  ranks  of  the 
enemy,  the  hero  of  the  combat  ?  Now,  as  this  is  a 
political  struggle,  and  not  a  warlike  struggle,  but 
one  in  which  the  good  of  the  country  is  alone  upper 
most,  the  monikin  who  thus  manifests  the  greatest 
devotion  to  the  cause,  must  be  the  purest  patriot  I 
give  you  my  honor,  sir,  all  my  own  claims  are 
founded  entirely  on  this  particular  merit" 

"  He  is  right,  Sir  John ;  you  may  believe  every 
word  he  says,"  observed  the  Brigadier,  nodding. 

"  I  begin  to  understand  your  system,  which  is 
certainly  well  adapted  to  the  monikin  habits,  and 
must  give  rise  to  a  noble  emulation  in  the  practice 
of  the  rotatory  principle.  But  I  understood  you  to 
say,  Colonel,  that  the  people  of  Leaplow  are  from 
the  hive  of  Leaphigh  ?" 

"  Just  so,  sir." 


THE    MONIKINS.  37 

"  How  happens  it  then,  that  you  dock  yourselves 
of  the  nobler  member,  while  the  inhabitants  of  this 
country  cherish  it  as  the  apple  of  the  eye — nay,  as 
the  seat  of  reason  itself?" 

"You  allude  to  our  tails? — Why,  sir,  Nature  has 
dealt  out  these  ornaments  with  a  very  unequal 
hand,  as  you  may  perceive  on  looking  out  of  the 
window.  We  agree  that  the  tail  is  the  seat  of  rea 
son,  and  that  the  extremities  are  the  most  intellec 
tual  parts;  but,  as  governments  are  framed  to 
equalize  these  natural  inequalities,  we  denounce 
them  as  anti-republican.  The  law  requires,  there 
fore,  that  every  citizen,  on  attaining  his  majority, 
shall  be  docked  agreeably  to  a  standard  measure, 
that  is  kept  in  each  district.  Without  some  such 
expedient,  there  might  be  an  aristocracy  of  intellect 
among  us,  and  there  would  be  an  end  of  our  liber 
ties.  This  is  the  qualification  of  a  voter,  too,  and 
of  course  we  all  seek  to  obtain  it." 

Here  the  Brigadier  leaned  across  the  table  and 
whispered  that  a  great  patriot,  on  a  most  trying 
occasion,  had  succeeded  in  throwing  a  summerset 
out  of  his  own  into  the  antagonist  line,  and  that,  as 
he  carried  with  him  all  the  sacred  principles  for 
which  his  party  had  been  furiously  contending  for 
many  years,  he  had  been  unceremoniously  dragged 
back  by  his  tail,  which  unfortunately  came  within 
reach  of  those  quondam  friends  on  whom  he  had 
turned  his  back ;  and  that  the  law  had,  in  truth,  been 
passed  in  the  interests  of  the  patriots.  He  added, 
that  the  lawful  measure  allowed  a  longer  stump 
than  was  commonly  used ;  but  that  it  was  considered 
under-bred  for  any  one  to  wear  a  dock  that  reached 
more  than  two  inches  and  three  quarters  of  an  inch 
into  society,  and  that  most  of  their  political  aspi 
rants,  in  particular,  chose  to  limit  themselves  to  one 

VOL.  II.  4 


38  THE    MONIK1NS. 

inch  and  one  quarter  of  an  inch,  as  a  proof  of  ex 
cessive  humility. 

Thanking  Mr.  Downright  for  his  clear  and  sensi 
ble  explanation,  the  conversation  was  resumed. 

"  I  had  thought,  as  your  institutions  are  founded 
on  reason  and  nature,  Judge,"  I  continued,  "  that 
you  would  be  more  disposed  to  cultivate  this 
member  than  to  mutilate  it;  and  this  the  more 
especially,  as  I  understand  all  monikins  believe  it 
to  be  the  very  quintessence  of  reason." 

"  No  doubt,  sir ;  we  do  cultivate  our  tails,  but  it 
is  on  the  vegetable  principle,  or  as  the  skilful  gar 
dener  lops  the  branch  that  it  may  throw  out  more 
vigorous  shoots.  It  is  true,  we  do  not  expect  to  see 
the  tail  itself  sprouting  out  anew ;  but  then  we  look 
to  the  increase  of  its  reason,  and  to  its  more  gene 
ral  diffusion  in  society.  The  extremities  of  our 
caudcB,  as  fast  as  they  are  lopped,  are  sent  to  a  great 
intellectual  mill,  where  the  mind  is  extracted  from 
the  matter,  and  the  former  is  sold,  on  public  ac 
count,  to  the  editors  of  the  daily  journals.  This  is 
the  reason  our  Leaplow  journalists  are  so  distin 
guished  for  their  ingenuity  and  capacity,  and  the 
reason,  too,  why  they  so  faithfully  represent  the 
average  of  the  Leaplow  knowledge." 

"  And  honesty,  you  ought  to  add,"  growled  the 
Brigadier. 

"  I  see  the  beauty  of  the  system,  Judge,  and  very 
beautiful  it  is !  This  essence  of  lopped  tails  repre 
sents  the  average  of  Leaplow  brains,  being  a  com 
pound  of  all  the  tails  of  the  country;  and  as  a  daily 
journal  is  addressed  to  the  average  intellect  of  the 
community,  there  is  a  singular  fitness  between  the 
readers  and  the  readees.  To  complete  my  stock 
of  information  on  this  head,  however,  will  you  just 
allow  me  to  inquire  what  is  the  effect  of  this  system 
on  the  totality  of  Leaplow  intelligence  ?" 


THE   MONIKINS.  39 

"  Wonderful !  As  we  are  a  commonwealth,  it  is 
necessary  to  have  a  unity  of  sentiment  on  all  lead 
ing  matters,  and  by  thus  compounding  all  the  ex 
tremes  of  our  reasons,  we  get  what  is  called  '  pub 
lic  opinion;'  which  public  opinion  is  uttered  through 
the  public  journals " 

"  And  a  most  Patriotic  Patriot  is  always  chosen 
to  be  the  inspector  of  the  mill,"  interrupted  the  Bri 
gadier. 

"  Better  and  better !  you  send  all  the  finer  parts 
of  your  several  intellects  to  be  ground  up  and 
kneaded  together;  the  compound  is  sold  to  the 
journalists,  who  utter  it  anew,  as  the  results  of  the 
united  wisdom  of  the  country !" 

"  Or,  as  public  opinion. — We  make  great  ac 
count  of  reason  in  all  our  affairs,  invariably  calling 
ourselves  the  most  enlightened  nation  on  earth; 
but  then  we  are  especially  averse  to  anything  like 
an  insulated  effort  of  the  mind,  which  is  offensive, 
anti-republican,  aristocratic  and  dangerous.  We 
put  all  our  trust  in  this  representation  of  brains, 
which  is  singularly  in  accordance  with  the  funda 
mental  base  of  our  society,  as  you  must  perceive." 

"  We  are  a  commercial  people,  too,"  put  in 
the  Brigadier ;  "  and  being  much  accustomed  to 
the  laws  of  insurance,  we  like  to  deal  in  ave 
rages." 

"Very  true,  brother  Downright;  very  true.  We 
are  particularly  averse  to  anything  like  inequality. 
Ods  zooks !  it  is  almost  as  great  an  offence  for  a 
monikin  to  know  more  than  his  neighbors,  as  it 
is  for  him  to  act  on  his  own  impulses.  No — no — 
we  are  truly  a  free  and  an  independent  common 
wealth,  and  we  hold  every  citizen  as  amenable  to 
public  opinion,  in  all  he  does,  says,  thinks  or 
wishes." 

"  Pray,  sir,  do  both  of  the  two  great  political 


40  THE 

lines  send  their  tails  to  the  same  mills,  and  respect 
the  same  general  sentiments  ?" 

"No,  sir;  we  have  two  public  opinions,  in  Leap- 
low." 

"  Two  public  opinions  !" 

"  Certainly,  sir ;  the  horizontal  and  the  perpen 
dicular." 

"  This  infers  a  most  extraordinary  fertility  of 
thought,  and  one  that  I  hold  to  be  almost  impos 
sible  !" 

Here  the  Commodore  and  the  Brigadier  incon 
tinently  both  laughed  as  hard  as  they  could ;  and 
that,  too,  directly  in  my  face. 

"  Dear  me,  Sir  John — why,  my  dear  Sir  John  ! 

Jou  are  really  the  drollest  creature  !" — gasped  the 
udge,  holding  his  sides, — "  the  very  funniest  ques 
tion  I  have  ev — ev — ever  encountered!"  He 
now  stopped  to  wipe  his  eyes;  after  which  he 
was  better  able  to  express  himself.  "  The  same 
public  opinion,  forsooth ! — Dear  me — dear  me, 
that  I  should  not  have  made  myself  understood ! — 
I  commenced,  my  good  Sir  John,  by  telling  you 
that  we  deal  in  duplicates,  on  a  hint  from  Nature ; 
and  that  we  act  on  the  rotatory  principle.  In 
obedience  to  the  first,  we  have  always  two  pub 
lic  opinions;  and,  although  the  great  political 
land-marks  are  drawn  in  what  may  be  called  a 
stationary  sense,  they,  too,  are  in  truth  rotatory. 
One,  which  is  thought  to  lie  parallel  to  the  fun 
damental  law,  or  the  constitutional  meridian  of 
the  country,  is  termed  the  horizontal,  and  the  other 
the  perpendicular  line.  Now,  as  nothing  is  really 
stationary  in  Leaplow,  these  two  great  land-marks 
are  always  acting,  likewise,  on  the  rotatory  princi 
ple,  changing  places  periodically;  the  perpendicular 
becoming  the  horizontal,  and  vice  versa ;  they  who 
toe  their  respective  marks,  necessarily  taking  new 


THE    MOJVIK1NS.  41 

views  of  things,  as  they  vary  the  line  of  sight. 
These  great  revolutions  are,  however,  very  slow, 
and  are  quite  as  imperceptible  to  those  who  accom 
pany  them,  as  are  the  revolutions  of  our  planet  to 
its  inhabitants." 

"And  the  gyrations  of  the  patriots,  of  which  the 
Judge  has  just  now  spoken,"  added  the  Brigadier, 
"  are  much  the  same  as  the  eccentric  movements 
of  the  comets  that  embellish  the  solar  system, 
without  deranging  it  by  their  uncertain  courses." 

"  No,  sir,  we  should  be  poorly  off,  indeed,  if  we 
had  but  one  public  opinion,"  resumed  the  Judge. 
"  Ecod,  I  do  not  know  what  would  become  of  the 
most  Patriotic  Patriots,  in  such  a  dilemma !" 

"  Pray,  sir,  let  me  ask,  as  you  draw  for  places, 
if  you  have  as  many  places  as  there  are  citizens  ?" 

"  Certainly,  sir.  Our  places  are  divided,  firstly, 
into  the  two  great  subdivisions  of  the  "inner"  and 
the  "outer."  Those  who  toe  the  mark  on  the  most 
popular  line  occupy  the  former,  and  those  who  toe 
the  mark  on  the  least  popular  line  take  all  the  rest, 
as  a  matter  of  course.  The  first,  however,  it  is 
necessary  to  explain,  are  the  only  places  worth 
having.  As  great  care  is  had  to  keep  the  commu 
nity  pretty  nearly  equally  divided " 

"  Excuse  the  interruption — but  in  what  manner 
is  this  effected?" 

"Why,  as  only  a  certain  number  can  toe  the 
mark,  we  count  all  those  who  are  not  successful 
in  getting  up  to  the  line,  as  outcasts ;  and,  after 
fruitlessly  hanging  about  our  skirts  for  a  time, 
they  invariably  go  over  to  the  other  line ;  since  it 
is  better  to  be  first  in  a  village,  than  second  in 
Rome.  We  thus  keep  up  something  like  an  equi 
librium  in  the  state,  which,  as  you  must  know,  is 
necessary  to  liberty.  The  minority  take  the  outer 
places,  and  all  the  inner  are  left  to  the  majority. 
4* 


42  THE    MON1KINS. 

Then  comes  another  subdivision  of  the  places; 
that  is  to  say,  one  division  is  formed  of  the  honor 
ary,  and  another  of  the  profitable  places.  The 
honorary,  or  about  nine-tenths  of  all  the  inner 
places,  are  divided,  with  great  impartiality,  among 
the  mass  of  those  who  have  toed  the  mark  on  the 
strongest  side,  and  who  usually  are  satisfied  with 
the  glory  of  the  victory.  The  names  of  the  remain 
der  are  put  into  the  wheels  to  be  drawn  for 
against  the  prizes,  on  the  rotatory  principle." 

"  And  the  patriots,  sir; — are  they  included  in  this 
chance-medley  ?" 

"  Far  from  it.  As  a  reward  for  their  dangers, 
they  have  a  little  wheel  to  themselves,  although 
they,  also,  are  compelled  to  submit  to  the  rotatory 
principle.  Their  cases  differ  from  those  of  the 
others,  merely  in  the  fact  that  they  always  get 
something.1' 

I  would  gladly  have  pursued  the  conversation, 
which  was  opening  a  flood  of  light  upon  my  poli 
tical  understanding;  but,  just  then,  a  fellow  with 
the  air  of  a  footman  entered,  carrying  a  packet 
tied  to  the  end  of  his  cauda.  Turning  round,  he 
presented  his  burthen,  with  profound  respect,  and 
withdrew.  I  found  that  the  packet  contained  three 
notes,  with  the  following  addresses : — 

"  To  his  Royal  Highness  Bob,  Prince  of  Wales,  &c.  &c.  &c." 
"  To  my  Lord  High  Admiral  Poke,  &c.  &c.  &c." 
"To  Master  Goldencalf,  Clerk,  &c.  &c.  &c." 

Apologizing  to  my  guests,  the  seal  of  my  own 
note  was  eagerly  opened.  It  read  as  follows : 

"The  Right  Honorable  the  Earl  of  Chatterino,  Lord  of  the 
Bed-Chamber  in  waiting  on  his  Majesty,  informs  Master 
John  Goldencalf,  Clerk,  that  he  is  commanded  to  attend  the 


THE   MON1KINS.  43 

drawing-room,  this  evening,  when  the  nuptial  ceremony  will 
take  place  between  the  Earl  of  Chatterino  and  the  Lady 
Chatterissa,  the  first  Maid  of  Honor  to  her  Majesty  the 
Queen. 

"  N.  B.  The  gentlemen  will  appear  in  full  dress" 

On  explaining  the  contents  of  my  note  to  the 
Judge,  he  informed  me  that  he  was  aware  of  the 
approaching  ceremony,  as  he  had  also  an  invita 
tion  to  be  present,  in  his  official  character.  I 
begged,  as  a  particular  favor,  England  having  no 
representative  at  Leaphigh,  that  he  would  do  me 
the  honor  to  present  me,  in  his  capacity  of  a 
foreign  minister.  The  Envoy  made  no  sort  of 
objection,  and  I  inquired  as  to  the  costume  neces 
sary  to  be  observed ;  as,  so  far  as  I  had  seen,  it 
was  good  breeding  at  Leaphigh  to  go  naked.  The 
Envoy  had  the  goodness  to  explain,  that,  although, 
in  point  of  mere  attire,  clothing  was  extremely 
offensive  to  the  people  of  both  Leaphigh  and  Leap- 
low,  yet,  in  the  former  country,  no  one  could  pre 
sent  himself  at  court,  foreign  ministers  excepted, 
without  a  cauda.  As  soon  as  we  understood  each 
other  on  these  points,  we  separated,  with  an  un 
derstanding  that  I  was  to  be  in  readiness  (together 
with  my  companions,  of  whose  interest  I  had  not 
been  forgetful)  to  attend  the  Envoy  and  the  Briga 
dier,  when  they  should  call  for  me,  at  an  hour 
that  was  named. 


44  THE    MONIKINS. 


CHAPTER  111. 

A  court,  a  court-dress,  and  a  courtier — Justice  in  various 
aspects,  as  well  as  honor. 

MY  guests  were  no  sooner  gone,  than  I  sent  for 
the  landlady,  to  inquire  if  any  court-dresses  were 
to  be  had  in  the  neighborhood.  She  told  me, 
plenty  might  certainly  be  had,  that  were  suited  to 
the  monikin  dimensions,  but  she  much  doubted 
whether  there  was  a  tail  in  all  Leaphigh,  natural 
or  artificial,  that  was  at  all  fit  for  a  person  of  my 
stature.  This  was  vexatious ;  and  I  was  in  a 
brown-study,  calling  up  all  my  resources  for  the 
occasion,  when  Mr.  Poke  entered  the  inn,  carry 
ing  in  his  hand  two  as  formidable  ox-tails  as  I 
remember  ever  to  have  seen.  Throwing  one  to 
wards  me,  he  said  the  Lord  High  Admiral  of 
Leaphigh  had  acquainted  him,  that  there  was  an 
invitation  out  for  the  Prince  and  himself,  as  well 
as  for  the  governor  of  the  former,  to  be  present 
at  court  within  an  hour.  He  had  hurried  off 
from  what  he  called  a  very  good  dinner,  consider 
ing  there  was  nothing  solid,  (the  Captain  was  par 
ticularly  fond  of  pickled  pork,)  to  let  me  know  the 
honor  that  was  intended  us;  and,  on  the  way 
home,  he  had  fallen  in  with  Dr.  Reasono,  who,  on 
being  acquainted  with  his  errand,  had  riot  failed 
to  point  out  the  necessity  of  the  whole  party  com 
ing  en  habit  de  cour.  Here  was  a  dilemma,  with  a 
vengeance ;  for  the  first  idea  that  struck  the  Cap 
tain  was  "  the  utter  impossibility  of  finding  any 
thing  in  this  way,  in  all  Leaphigh,  befitting  a  Lord 
High  Admiral  of  his  length  of  keel;  for,  as  to  going 
in  an  ordinary  monikin  queue,  why,  he  should  look 


THE   MONIKItfS.  45 

like  a  three-decked  ship,  with  a  brig's  spar  step 
ped  for  a  lower  mast!"  Dr.  Reasono,  however, 
had  kindly  removed  the  embarrassment,  by  con 
ducting  him  to  the  Cabinet  of  Natural  History, 
where  three  suitable  appendages  had  been  found, 
viz.  two  fine  relics  of  oxen,*  and  another,  a  capital 
specimen,  that  had  formerly  been  the  mental  lever, 
or,  as  the  Captain  expressed  it,  "the  steering  oar" 
of  a  kangaroo.  The  latter  had  been  sent  off,  ex 
press,  with  a  kind  consideration  for  the  honor  of 
Great  Britain,  to  Prince  Bob,  who  was  at  a  villa 
of  one  of  the  royal  family,  in  the  neighborhood  of 
Aggregation. 

I  was  greatly  indebted  to  Noah,  for  his  dexterity 
in  helping  me  to  a  good  fit  with  my  court-dress. 
There  was  not  time  for  much  particularity,  for 
we  were  in  momentary  expectation  of  Judge  Peo 
ple's  Friend's  return.  All  we  could  do,  therefore, 
was  to  make  a  belt  of  canvas,  (the  Captain  being 
always  provided  with  needles,  palm,  &c.,  in  his 
bag,)  and  to  introduce  the  smaller  end  of  the  tail 
through  a  hole  in  the  belt,  drawing  its  base  tight 
up  to  the  cloth,  which,  in  its  turn,  was  stitched 
round  our  bodies.  This  was  but  an  indifferent  sub 
stitute  for  the  natural  appendage,  it  is  true ;  and 
the  hide  had  got  to  be  so  dry  and  unyielding,  that 
it  was  impossible  for  the  least  observant  person  to 
imagine  there  was  a  particle  of  brains  in  it.  The 
arrangement  had,  also,  another  disadvantage.  The 
cauda  stuck  out  nearly  at  right  angles  with  the 
position  of  the  body,  and,  besides  occupying  much 
more  space  than  would  probably  be  permitted  in 
the  royal  presence,  "  it  gave  any  jackanapes,"  as 
Noah  observed,  "  the  great  advantage  over  us,  of 
making  us  yaw  at  pleasure,  since  he  might  use 
the  outriggers  as  levers."  But  a  seaman  is  inex- 

*  Canda  Boviim.—BuF. 


46  THE    MONlKlffS. 

haustible  in  expedients.  Two  "  back-stays,"  or 
"  bob-stays,"  (for  the  Captain  facetiously  gave 
them  both  appellations,)  were  soon  "  turned  in," 
and  the  tails  were  "  stayed  in,  in  a  way  to  bring 
them  as  upright  as  try-sail-masts;"  to  which  spars, 
indeed,  according  to  Noah's  account  of  the  mat 
ter,  they  bore  no  small  resemblance. 

The  Envoy  Extraordinary  of  Leaplow,  accom 
panied  by  his  friend,  Brigadier  Downright,  arrived 
just  as  we  were  dressed ;  and  a  most  extraordinary 
figure  the  former  cut,  if  truth  must  be  said.  Al 
though  obliged  to  be  docked,  according  to  the 
Leaplow  law,  to  six  inches,  and  brought  down  to 
a  real  bob,  by  both  the  public  opinions  of  his  coun 
try,  for  this  was  one  of  the  few  points  on  which 
these  antagonist  sentiments  were  perfectly  agreed, 
he  now  appeared  in  just  the  largest  brush  I  remem 
ber  to  have  seen  appended  to  a  monikin !  I  felt  a 
strong  inclination  to  joke  the  rotatory  republican 
on  this  coquetry;  but  then  I  remembered  how 
sweet  any  stolen  indulgence  becomes;  and,  for 
the  life  of  me,  I  could  not  give  utterance  to  a 
ban  mot.  The  elegance  of  the  Minister  was  ren 
dered  the  more  conspicuous  by  the  simplicity  of 
the  Brigadier,  who  had  contrived  to  moustache  his 
dock,  a  very  short  one  at  the  best,  in  such  a  man 
ner  as  to  render  it  nearly  invisible.  On  my  ex 
pressing  a  doubt  to  Mr.  Downright  about  his  being 
admitted  in  such  a  costume,  he  snapped  his  fingers, 
and  gave  me  to  understand  he  knew  better.  He 
appeared  as  a  Brigadier  of  Leaplow,  (I  found 
afterwards  that  he  was  in  truth  no  soldier,  but 
that  it  was  a  fashion  among  his  countrymen  to 
travel  under  the  title  of  Brigadier,)  and  this  was 
his  uniform ;  and  he  should  like  to  see  the  cham 
berlain  who  would  presume  to  call  in  question  the 
state  of  his  wardrobe !  As  it  was  no  affair  of 


.      THE    MONIKINS,  47 

mine,  I  prudently  dropped  the   subject,  and  we 
were  soon  in  the  court  of  the  palace. 

I  shall  pass  over  the  parade  of  guards,  the  state 
bands,  the  sergeant-trumpeters,  the  crowd  of  foot 
men  and  pages,  and  conduct  the  reader  at  once  to 
the  antechamber.  Here  we  found  the  usual  throng 
composed  of  those  who  live  in  the  smiles  of 
princes.  There  was  a  great  deal  of  politeness, 
much  bowing  and  curtseying,  and  the  customary 
amount  of  genteel  empressement  to  be  the  first  to 
bask  in  the  sunshine  of  royalty.  Judge  People's 
Friend,  in  his  character  of  a  foreign  minister,  was 
privileged;  and  we  had  enjoyed  the  private  entree, 
and  were  now,  of  right,  placed  nearest  to  the 
great  doors  of  the  royal  apartments.  Most  of  the 
diplomatic  corps  were  already  in  attendance,  and, 
quite  as  a  matter  of  course,  there  were  a  great 
many  cordial  manifestations  of  the  ardent  attach 
ment  that  bound  them  and  their  masters  together, 
in  the  inviolable  bonds  of  a  most  sacred  amity. 
Judge  People's  Friend,  according  to  his  own  ac 
count  of  the  matter,  represented  a^great  nation — 
a  very  great  nation — and  yet  I  did  not  perceive 
that  he  met  with  a  warm — a  very  warm — recep 
tion.  However,  as  he  seemed  satisfied  with  him 
self,  and  all  around  him,  it  would  have  been 
unkind,  not  to  say  rude,  in  a  stranger  to  disturb 
his  self-esteem  ;  and  I  took  especial  care,  therefore, 
not  to  betray,  by  the  slightest  hint,  my  opinion 
that  a  good  many  near  his  person  seemed  to  think 
him  and  his  artificial  queue  somewhat  in  the  way. 
The  courtiers  of  Leaphigh,  in  particular,  who  are 
an  exceedingly  exclusive  and  fastidious  corps,  ap 
peared  to  regard  the  privileges  of  the  Judge  with 
an  evil  eye;  and  one  or  two  of  them  actually  held 
their  noses  as  he  flourished  his  brush  a  little  too 
near  their  sac.red  faces,  as  if  they  found  its  odor 


48  THE    MONIK1NS. 

out  of  fashion.  While  making  these  silent  observa 
tions,  a  page  cried  out  from  the  lower  part  of  the 
saloon,  "  Room  for  his  Royal  Highness  the  Crown 
Prince  of  Great  Britain  !"  The  crowd  opened,  and 
that  young  blackguard  Bob  walked  up  the  avenue, 
in  state.  He  wore  the  turnspit  garment  as  the 
base  of  his  toilet;  but  the  superstructure  was 
altogether  more  in  keeping  with  the  rascal's  as 
sumed  character.  The  union-jack  was  thrown 
over  his.  shoulder  in  the  fashion  of  a  mantle,  and 
it  was  supported  by  the  cook  and  steward  of  the 
Walrus,  (two  blacks,)  both  clothed  as  alligators. 
The  kangaroo's  tail  was  rigged  in  a  way  to  excite 
audible  evidences  of  envy  in  the  heart  of  Mr. 
Poke.  The  stepping  of  it,  the  Captain  whispered, 
"  did  the  young  dog  great  credit,  for  it  looked  as 
natural  as  the  best  wig  he  had  ever  seen;  and  then, 
in  addition  to  the  bob-stay,  it  had  two  guys,  which 
acted  like  the  yoke-lines  of  a  boat,  or  in  such  a 
way,  that  by  holding  one  in  each  hand,  the  brush 
could  be  worked  *  starboard  and  larboard'  like  a 
rudder."  I  have  taken  this  description  mainly  from 
the  mouth  of  the  Captain,  and  most  sincerely  do 
I  hope  it  may  be  intelligible  to  the  reader. 

Bob  appeared  to  be  conscious  of  his  advantages; 
for,  on  reaching  the  upper  end  of  the  room,  he 
began  whisking  his  tail,  and  flourishing  it  to  the 
right  and  left,  so  as  to  excite  a  very  perceptible 
and  lively  admiration  in  the  mind  of  Judge  People's 
Friend, — an  effect  that  so  much  the  more  proved 
the  wearer's  address,  for  that  high  functionary 
was  bound  ex  cfficio  to  entertain  a  sovereign  con 
tempt  for  all  courtly  vanities.  I  saw  the  eye  of 
the  Captain  kindle,  however ;  and  when  the  inso 
lent  young  coxcomb  actually  had  the  temerity  to 
turn  his  back  on  his  master,  and  to  work  his  brush 
under  his  very  nose,  human  nature  could  endure 


THE   MONIKINS.  49 

no  more.  The  right  leg  of  my  Lord  High  Admiral 
slowly  retired,  with  somewhat  of  the  caution  of 
the  cat  about  to  spring,  and  then  it  was  projected 
forward,  with  a  rapidity  that  absolutely  lifted  the 
Crown  Prince  from  the  floor. 

The  royal  self-possession  of  Bob  could  not  pre 
vent  an  exclamation  of  pain,  as  well  as  of  sur 
prise  ;  and  some  of  the  courtiers  ran  forward  invo 
luntarily  to  aid  him, — for  courtiers  always  run 
involuntarily  to  the  succor  of  princes.  At  least  a 
dozen  of  the  ladies  offered  their  smelling-bottles, 
with  the  most  amiable  assiduity  and  concern.  To 
prevent  any  disagreeable  consequences,  however, 
I  hastened  to  acquaint  the  crowd  that,  in  Great 
Britain,  it  is  the  usage  to  cuff  and  kick  the 
whole  royal  family ;  and  that,  in  short,  it  is  no 
more  than  the  customary  tribute  of  the  subject 
to  the  prince.  In  proof  of  what  I  said,  I  took  good 
care  to  give  the  saucy  young  scoundrel  a  touch  of 
my  own  homage.  The  monikins,  who  know  that 
different  customs  prevail  in  different  nations,  has 
tened  to  compliment  the  young  scion  of  royalty 
in  the  same  manner ;  and  both  the  cook  and  stew 
ard  relieved  their  ennui  by  falling  into  the  track 
of  imitation.  Bob  could  not  stand  the  last  appli 
cations;  and  he  was  about  to  beat  a  retreat,  when 
the  master  of  ceremonies  appeared,  to  conduct  him 
to  the  royal  presence. 

The  reader  is  not  to  be  misled  by  the  honors 
that  were  paid  to  the  imaginary  Crown  Prince, 
and  to  suppose  that  the  court  of  Leaphigh  enter 
tained  any  peculiar  respect  for  that  of  Great  Bri 
tain.  It  was  merely  done  on  the  principle  that 
governed  the  conduct  of  our  own  learned  sove 
reign,  King  James  I.,  when  he  refused  to  see  the 
amiable  Pocahontas  of  Virginia,  because  she  had 
degraded  royalty  by  intermarrying  with  a  subject. 

VOL.  II.  5 


50  THE    MON1KINS. 

The  respect  was  paid  to  the  caste,  and  not  to  the 
individual,  to  his  species,  or  to  his  nation. 

Let  his  privileges  come  from  what  cause  they 
would,  Bob  was  glad  enough  to  get  out  of  the  pre 
sence  of  Captain  Poke, — who  had  already  pretty 
plainly  threatened,  in  the  Stunnin'tun  dialect,  to 
unship  his  cauda, — into  that  of  the  Majesty  of  Leap- 
high.  A  few  minutes  afterwards,  the  doors  were 
thrown  open,  and  the  whole  company  advanced 
into  the  royal  apartments. 

The  etiquette  of  the  court  of  Leaphigh  differs, 
in  many  essential  particulars,  from  the  etiquette 
of  any  other  court  in  the  monikin  region.  Nei 
ther  the  King,  nor  his  royal  consort,  is  ever  visi 
ble  to  any  one  in  the  country,  so  far  as  is  vulgarly 
known.  On  the  present  occasion,  two  thrones 
were  placed  at  opposite  extremities  of  the  saloon, 
and  a  magnificent,  crimson,  damask  curtain  was 
so  closely  drawn  before  each,  that  it  was  quite 
impossible  to  see  who  occupied  it.  On  the  lowest 
step  there  stood  a  chamberlain  or  a  lady  of  the 
bed-chamber,  who,  severally,  made  all  the  speeches, 
and  otherwise  enacted  the  parts  of  the  illustrious 
couple.  The  reader  will  understand,  therefore,  that 
all  which  is  here  attributed  to  either  of  these  great 
personages,  was  in  fact  performed  by  one  or  the 
other  of  the  substitutes  named,  and  that  I  never 
had  the  honor  of  actually  standing,  face  to  face, 
with  their  Majesties.  Every  thing  that  is  now 
about  to  be  related,  in  short,  was  actually  done  by 
deputy,  on  the  part  of  the  monarch  and  his  wife. 

The  King  himself  merely  represents  a  senti 
ment,  all  the  power  belonging  to  his  eldest  first- 
cousin  of  the  masculine  gender,  and  any  inter 
course  with  him  is  entirely  of  a  disinterested  or 
of  a  sentimental  character.  He  is  the  head  of  the 
church, — after  a  very  secular  fashion,  however; 
— all  the  bishops  and  clergy  therefore  got  down 


THE   MONIK1NS,  51 

on  their  knees  and  said  their  prayers ;  though  the 
Captain  suggested  that  it  might  be  their  cate 
chisms  :  I  never  knew  which.  •  I  observed,  also, 
that  all  his  law  officers  did  the  same  thing ;  but  as 
they  never  pray,  and  do  not  know  their  cate 
chisms,  I  presume  the  genuflections  were  to  beg 
something  better  than  the  places  they  actually 
filled.  After  this,  came  a  long  train  of  military 
and  naval  officers,  who,  soldier-like,  kissed  his 
paw.  The  civilians  next  had  a  chance,  and  then 
it  was  our  turn  to  be  presented. 

"  I  have  the  honor  to  present  the  Lord  High 
Admiral  of  Great  Britain,  to  your  Majesty,"  said 
Judge  People's  Friend,  who  had  waived  his  official 
privilege  of  going  first,  in  order  to  do  us  this  favor 
in  person ;  it  having  been  decided,  on  a  review  of 
all  the  principles  that  touched  the  case,  that  no 
thing  human  could  take  precedence  of  a  monikin 
at  court,  always  making  the  exception  in  favor  of 
royalty,  as  in  the  case  of  Prince  Bob. 

"  I  am  happy  to  see  you  at  my  court,  Admiral 
Poke,"  the  King  politely  rejoined,  manifesting  the 
tact  of  high  rank  in  recognizing  Noah  by  his 
family  name,  to  the  great  surprise  of  the  old  sealer. 

"  King !" 

"  You  were  about  to  remark  ? "  most  gra 
ciously  inquired  his  Majesty,  a  little  at  a  loss  to 
understand  what  his  visiter  would  be  at. 

"  Why,  I  could  not  contain  my  astonishment  at 
your  memory,  Mr.  King,  which  has  enabled  you 
to  recall  a  name  that  you  probably  never  before 
heard !" 

There  was  now  a  great,  and,  to  me,  a  very  un 
accountable  confusion  in  the  circle.  It  would 
seem,  that  the  Captain  had  unwittingly  trespassed 
on  two  of  the  most  important  of  the  rules  of  eti 
quette,  in  very  mortal  points.  He  had  confessed 
to  the  admission  of  an  emotion  as  vulgar  as  that 


52  THE    MONIKINS. 

of  astonishment  in  the  royal  presence,  and  he  had 
intimated  that  his  Majesty  had  a  memory ;  a  pro 
perty  of  the  mind  which,  as  it  might  prove  dan 
gerous  to  the  liberties  of  Leaphigh,  were  it  left  in 
the  keeping  of  any  but  a  responsible  minister,  it 
had  long  been  decided  it  was  felony  to  impute  to 
the  King.  By  the  fundamental  law  of  the  land, 
the  King's  eldest  first-cousin  of  the  masculine  gen 
der  may  have  as  many  memories  as  he  please, 
and  he  may  use  them,  or  abuse  them,  as  he  shall 
see  fit,  both  in  private  or  in  the  public  service ;  but 
it  is  held  to  be  utterly  unconstitutional  and  un 
parliamentary,  and,  by  consequence,  extremely 
underbred,  to  insinuate,  even  in  the  most  remote 
manner,  that  the  King  himself  has  either  a  memo 
ry,  a  will,  a  determination,  a  resolution,  a  desire, 
a  conceit,  an  intention,  or,  in  short,  any  other  in 
tellectual  property,  that  of  a  "royal  pleasure" 
alone  excepted.  It  is  both  constitutional  Bnd 
parliamentary  to  say  the  King  has  a  "  royal  plea 
sure,"  provided  the  context  goes  to  prove  that  this 
"royal  pleasure"  is  entirely  at  the  disposition  of 
his  eldest  first-cousin  of  the  masculine  gender. 

When  Mr.  Poke  was  made  acquainted  with  his 
mistake,  he  discovered  a  proper  contrition ;  and 
the  final  decision  of  the  affair  was  postponed,  in 
order  to  have  the  opinion  of  the  judges  on  the  pro 
priety  of  taking  bail,  which  I  promptly  offered  to 
put  in,  in  behalf  of  my  old  ship-mate.  This  disa 
greeable  little  interruption  temporarily  disposed  of, 
the  business  of  the  drawing-room  went  on. 

Noah  was  next  conducted  to  the  Queen,  who 
was  much  inclined  (always  by  deputy)  to  overlook 
the  little  mistake  into  which  he  had  fallen  with 
her  royal  consort,  and  to  receive  him  graciously. 

"  May  it  please  your  Majesty,  I  have  the  honor 
to  present  to  your  Majesty's  royal  notice,  the  Lord 
Noah  Poke,  the  Lord  High  Admiral  of  a  distant 


THE   MONIKINS.  53 

and  but  little  known  country,  called  Great  Bri 
tain,"  said  the  gold  stick  of  the  evening, — Judge 
People's  Friend  being  afraid  of  committing  Leap- 
low,  and  declining  to  introduce  the  Captain  to  any 
one  else. 

"Lord  Poke  is  a  countryman  of  our  royal  cou 
sin  the  Prince  Bob !"  observed  the  Queen,  in  an 
exceedingly  gracious  manner. 

"  No  marm,"  put  in  the  sealer,  promptly,  "  your 
cousin  Bob  is  no  cousin  of  mine ;  and  if  it  were 
lawful  for  your  Majesty  to  have  a  memory,  or  an 
inclination,  or  any  thing  else  in  that  way,  I  should 
beg  the  favor  of  you,  to  order  the  young  black 
guard  to  be  soundly  threshed." 

The  Majesty  of  Leaphigh  stood  aghast,  by 
proxy!  It  would  seem  Noah  had  now  actually 
fallen  into  a  more  serious  error,  than  the  mistake 
he  had  made  with  the  King.  By  the  law  of  Leap- 
high,  the  Queen  is  not  a  femme  couverte.  She 
can  sue  and  be  sued  in  her  own  name,  holds  her 
separate  estate,  without  the  intervention  of  trustees, 
and  is  supposed  to  have  a  memory,  a  will,  an  in 
clination,  or  any  thing  else  in  that  way,  except  a 
"  royal  pleasure,"  to  which  she  cannot,  of  right, 
lay  claim.  As  to  her,  the  King's  first-cousin  is 
a  dead  letter ;  he  having  no  more  control  over  her 
conscience,  than  he  has  over  the  conscience  of  an 
apple-woman.  In  short,  her  Majesty  is  quite  as 
much  the  mistress  of  her  own  convictions  and  con 
science,  as  it  probably  ever  falls  to  the  lot  of  wo 
men  in  such  high  stations  to  be  the  mistress  of 
interests  that  are  of  so  much  importance  to  those 
around  them.  Noah,  innocently  enough,  I  do  firm 
ly  believe,  had  seriously  wounded  all  those  nice 
sensibilities  which  are  naturally  dependent  on  such 
an  improved  condition  of  society.  Forbearance 
could  go  no  farther,  and  I  saw,  by  the  dark  looks 
5* 


54  THE   MONIKINS. 

around  me,  that  the  Captain  had  committed  a 
serious  crime.  He  was  immediately  arrested,  and 
conducted  from  the  presence  to  an  adjoining  room, 
into  which  I  obtained  admission,  after  a  good  deal 
of  solicitation  and  some  very  strong  appeals  to 
the  sacred  character  of  the  rights  of  hospitality. 

It  now  appeared,  that  in  Leaphigh,  the  merits 
of  a  law  are  decided  on  a  principle  very  similar 
to  the  one  we  employ  in  England  in  judging  of  the 
quality  of  our  wines ;  viz.,  its  age.  The  older  a 
law,  the  more  it  is  to  be  respected,  no  doubt 
because,  having  proved  its  fitness  by  outlasting  all 
the  changes  of  society,  it  has  become  more  mel 
low,  if  not  more  palatable.  Now,  by  a  law  of 
Leaphigh,  that  is  coeval  with  the  monarchy,  he 
who  offends  the  Queen's  Majesty  at  a  levee,  is  to 
lose  his  head ;  and  he  who,  under  the  same  cir 
cumstances,  offends  the  King's  Majesty,  neces 
sarily  the  more  heinous  offence,  is  to  lose  his 
tail.  In  consequence  of  the  former  punishment, 
the  criminal  is  invariably  buried,  and  he  is  con 
signed  to  the  usual  course  of  monikin  regenera 
tion  and  resuscitation ;  but  in  consequence  of  the 
latter,  it  is  thought  that  he  is  completely  thrown 
without  the  pale  of  reason,  and  is  thereby  consigned 
to  the  class  of  the  retrogressive  animals.  His  mind 
diminishes,  and  his  body  increases ;  the  brain,  for 
want  of  the  means  of  development,  takes  the  as 
cending  movement  of  sap  again;  his  forehead 
dilates ;  bumps  re-appear ;  and,  finally,  after  pass- 
Ing  gradually  downward  in  the  -scale  of  intellect, 
he  becomes  a  mass  of  insensible  matter.  Such, 
at  least,  is  the  theory  of  his  punishment. 

By  another  law,  that  is  even  older  than  the  mo 
narchy,  any  one  who  offends  in  the  King's  palace 
may  be  tried  by  a  very  summary  process,  the 
King's  pages  acting  as  his  judges ;  in  which  case, 
the  sentence  is  to  be  executed  without  delay. 


THE    MONIKINS.  55 


Such  was  the  dilemma  to  which  Noah,  by  an 
indiscretion  at  court,  was  suddenly  reduced  ;  and, 
but  for  my  prompt  interference,  he  would  proba 
bly  have  been  simultaneously  decapitated  at  both 
extremities,  in  obedience  to  an  etiquette  which  pre 
scribes  that,  under  the  circumstances  of  a  court 
trial,  neither  the  King's  nor  the  Queen's  rights  shall 
be  entitled  to  precedence.  In  defence  of  my  client 
I  urged  his  ignorance  of  the  usages  of  the  country, 
and,  indeed,  of  all  other  civilized  countries,  Stun- 
nin'tun  alone  excepted.    I  stated  that  the  criminal 
was  an  object  altogether  unworthy  of  their  notice; 
that  he  was  not  a  Lord  High  Admiral  at  all,  but  a 
mere  pitiful  sealer ;  I  laid  some  stress  on  the  im 
portance  of  maintaining  friendly  relations  with  the 
sealers,  who  cruise  so  near  the  monikin  region ; 
I  tried  to  convince  the  judges  that  Noah  meant  no 
harm  in  imputing  moral  properties  to  the  King, 
and  that  so  long  as  he  did  not  impute  immoral  pro 
perties  to  his  royal  consort,  she  might  very  well 
afford  to  pardon  him.    I  then  quoted  Shakspeare's 
celebrated  lines  on  mercy,  which  seemed  to  be 
well  enough  received,  and  committed  the  whole 
affair  to  their  better  judgment. 

I  should  have  got  along  very  creditably,  and 
most  probably  obtained  the  immediate  discharge 
of  my  friend,  had  not  the  Attorney-General  of 
Leaphigh  been  drawn  by  curiosity  into  the  room. 
Although  he  had  nothing  to  say  to  the  merits  of 
my  arguments,  he  objected  to  every  one  of  them, 
on  the  ground  of  formality.  This  was  too  long, 
and  that  was  too  short ;  one  was  too  high,  and 
another  too  low;  a  fifth  was  too  broad,  and  a 
sixth  too  narrow ;  in  short,  there  was  no  figure  of 
speech  of  this  nature,  to  which  he  did  not  resort, 
in  order  to  prove  their  worthlessness,  with  the 
exception  that  I  do  not  remember  he  charged  any 
of  my  reasons  with  being  too  deep. 


56  THE    MONIKINS. 

Matters  were  now  beginning  to  look  serious 
for  poor  Noah,  when  a  page  came  skipping  in, 
to  say  that  the  wedding  was  about  to  take  place, 
and  that  if  his  comrades  wished  to  witness  it,  they 
must  sentence  the  prisoner  without  delay.  Many 
a  man,  it  is  said,  has  been  hanged,  in  order  that 
the  judge  might  dine ;  but,  in  the  present  instance, 
I  do  believe  Captain  Poke  was  spared,  in  order 
that  his  judges  might  not  miss  a  fine  spectacle.  I 
entered  into  recognizance,  in  fifty  thousand  pro 
mises,  for  the  due  appearance  of  the  criminal  on 
the  following  morning ;  and  we  all  returned,  in  a 
body,  to  the  presence-chamber,  treading  on  each 
other's  tails,  in  the  eagerness  to  be  foremost. 

Any  one  who  has  ever  been  at  a  human  court, 
must  very  well  know  that,  while  it  is  the  easiest 
thing  in  the  wrorld  to  throw  it  into  commotion  by 
a  violation  of  etiquette,  matters  of  mere  life  and 
death  are  not  at  all  of  a  nature  to  disturb  its  tran 
quillity.  There,  everything  is  a  matter  of  routine 
and  propriety;  and,  to  judge  from  experience, 
nothing  is  so  unseemly  as  to  appear  to  possess  hu 
man  sympathies.  The  fact  is  not  very  different  at 
Leaphigh,  for  the  monikin  sympathies,  apparently, 
are  quite  as  obtuse  as  those  of  men ;  although 
justice  compels  me  to  allow,  that  in  the  case  of 
Captain  Poke,  the  appeal  was  made  in  behalf  of  a 
creature  of  a  different  species.  It  is  also  a  set 
tled  principle  of  Leaphigh  jurisprudence,  that  it 
would  be  monstrous  for  the  King  to  interfere  in 
behalf  of  justice, — justice,  however,  being  always 
administered  in  his  name  ;  although  it  certainly  is 
not  held  to  be  quite  so  improper  for  him  to  inter 
fere  in  behalf  of  those  who  have  offended  justice. 

As  a  consequence  of  these  nice  distinctions, 
which  it  requires  a  very  advanced  stage  of  civili 
zation  fully  to  comprehend,  both  the  King  and 
Queen  received  our  whole  party,  when  we  came 


THE   MONIKINS.  57 

back  into  the  presence,  exactly  as  if  nothing  par 
ticular  had  occurred.  Noah  wore  both  head  and 
tail  erect,  like  another;  and  the  Lord  High  Admi 
ral  of  Leaphigh  dropped  into  a  familiar  conversa 
tion  with  him,  on  the  subject  of  ballasting  ships, 
in  just  as  friendly  a  manner  as  if  he  were  on  the 
best  possible  terms  with  the  whole  royal  family. 
This  moral  sang  froid  is  not  to  be  ascribed  to 
phlegm,  but  is,  in  fact,  the  result  of  high  mental 
discipline,  which  causes  the  courtier  to  be  utterly 
destitute  of  all  feeling,  except  in  cases  that  affect 
himself. 

It  was  high  time,  now,  that  I  should  be  present 
ed.  Judge  People's  Friend,  who  had  witnessed 
the  dilemma  of  Noah  with  diplomatic  unconcern, 
very  politely  renewed  the  offer  of  his  services  in 
my  favor,  and  I  went  forward  and  stood  before 
the  throne. 

"  Sire,  allow  me  to  present  a  very  eminent  lite 
rary  character  among  men,  a  cunning  clerk,  by 
name  Goldencalf,"  said  the  envoy,  bowing  to  his 
Majesty. 

"  He  is  welcome  to  my  court,"  returned  the 
King  by  proxy.  "  Pray,  Mr.  People's  Friend,  is 
not  this  one  of  the  human  beings  who  have  lately 
arrived  in  my  dominions,  and  who  have  shown 
so  much  cleverness  in  getting  Chatterino  and  his 
governor  through  the  ice  ?" 

"  The  very  same,  please  your  Majesty ;  and  a 
very  arduous  service  it  was,  and  right  cleverly 
performed." 

"  This  reminds  me  of  a  duty.-— Let  my  cousin 
be  summoned." 

I  now  began  to  see  a  ray  of  hope,  and  to  feel 
the  truth  of  the  saying  which  teaches  us  that  jus 
tice,  though  sometimes  slow,  never  fails  to  arrive 
at  last.  I  had  also,  now,  and  for  the  first  time,  a 
good  view  of  the  King's  eldest  first-cousin  of  the 


58  THE    MONIK1NS. 

masculine  gender,  who  drew  near  at  the  sum 
mons  ;  and,  while  he  had  the  appearance  of  listen 
ing  with  the  most  profound  attention  to  the  in 
structions  of  the  King  of  Leaphigh,  was  very  evi 
dently  telling  that  potentate  what  he  ought  to  do. 
The  conference  ended,  his  Majesty's  proxy  spoke 
in  a  way  to  be  heard  by  all  who  had  the  good 
fortune  to  be  near  the  royal  person. 

"  Reasono  did  a  good  thing,"  he  said ;  "  really, 
a  very  good  thing,  in  bringing  us  these  specimens 
of  the  human  family.  But  for  his  cleverness,  I 
might  have  died  without  ever  dreaming  that 
men  were  gifted  with  tails."  (Kings  never  get 
hold  of  the  truth  at  the  right  end.)  "  I  wonder  if  the 
Queen  knew  it.  Pray,  did  you  know,  my  Augusta, 
that  men  had  tails  ?" 

"  Our  exemption  from  state  affairs  gives  us  fe 
males  better  opportunities  than  your  Majesty  en 
joys,  to  study  these  matters,"  returned  his  royal 
consort,  by  the  mouth  of  her  Lady  of  the  Bed- 
Chamber. 

"I  dare  say  I'm  very  silly, — but  our  cousin, 
here,  thinks  it  might  be  well  to  do  something  for 
these  good  people,  for  it  may  encourage  their 
King  himself  to  visit  us  some  day." 

An  exclamation  of  pleasure  escaped  the  ladies ; 
who  declared,  one  and  all,  it  would  be  delightful  to 
see  a  real  human  King, — it  would  be  so  funny ! 

"  Well,  well,"  added  the  good-natured  monarch, 
"Heaven  knows  what  may  happen,  for  I  have  seen 
stranger  things.  Really,  we  ought  to  do  some 
thing  for  these  good  people ;  for,  although  we  owe 
the  pleasure  of  their  visit,  in  a  great  degree,  to  the 
cleverness  of  Reasono, — who,  by  the  way,  I'm 
glad  to  hear  is  declared  an  H.  O.  A.  X., — yet 
he  very  handsomely  admits,  that  but  for  their  ex 
ertions — none  of  our  seamikins  being  within  reach 
— it  would  have  been  quite  impossible  to  get 


THE    MONIKIJVS.  50 

through  the  ice.  1  wish  1  knew,  now,  which  was 
the  cleverest  and  the  most  useful  of  their  party." 

Here  the  Queen,  always  thinking  and  speaking 
by  proxy,  suggested  the  propriety  of  leaving  the 
point  to  Prince  Bob. 

"  It  would  be  no  more  than  is  due  to  his  rank ; 
for  though  they  are  men,  I  dare  say  they  have 
feelings  like  ourselves." 

The  question  was  now  submitted  to  Bob,  who 
sat  in  judgment  on  us  all,  with  as  much  gravity 
as  if  accustomed  to  such  duties  from  infancy.  It 
is  said  that  men  soon  get  to  be  familiar  with  eleva 
tion,  and  that,  while  he  who  has  fallen  never  fails 
to  look  backward,  he  who  has  risen  invariably 
limits  his  vision  to  the  present  horizon.  Such 
proved  to  be  the  case  with  the  princely  Bob. 

"  This  person,"  observed  the  jack-a-napes,  point 
ing  to  me,  "  is  a  very  good  sort  of  a  person,  it  is 
true,  but  he  is  hardly  the  sort  of  person  your  Ma 
jesty  wants  just  now.  There  is  the  Lord  High 
Admiral,  too, — but — "  (Bob's  but  was  envenomed 
by  a  thousand  kicks  !) — "  but — you  wish,  sire,  to 
know  which  of  my  father's  subjects  was  the  most 
useful  in  getting  the  ship  to  Leaphigh?" 

"  That  is  precisely  the  fact  I  desire  to  know." 

Bob,  hereupon,  pointed  to  the  cook;  who,  it  will 
be  remembered,  was  present  as  one  of  his  train- 
bearers. 

"  I  believe  I  must  say,  sire,  that  this  is  the  man. 
He  fed  us  all;  and  without  food,  and  that  in  consider 
able  quantities,  too,  nothing  could  have  been  done." 

The  little  blackguard  was  rewarded  for  his  im 
pudence,  by  exclamations  of  pleasure  from  all 
around  him. — "  It  was  so  clever  a  distinction," — 
"  it  showed  so  much  reflection," — "  it  was  so  very 
profound," — "  it  proved  how  much  he  regarded 
the  base  of  -society,"- — in  short,  "  it  was  evident 
England  would  be  a  happy  country,  when  he 


GO  THE    MON1KINS. 

should  be  called  to  the  throne !"  In  the  mean 
time,  the  cook  was  required  to  come  forth,  and 
kneel  before  his  Majesty. 

"  What  is  your  name  ?"  whispered  the  Lord  of 
the  Bed-Chamber,  who  now  spoke  for  himself. 

"  Jack  Coppers,  your  honor." 

The  Lord  of  the  Bed-Chamber  made  a  commu 
nication  to  his  Majesty,  when  the  sovereign  turned 
round  by  proxy,  with  his  back  towards  Jack,  and, 
giving  him  the  accolade  with  his  tail,  he  bade  him 
rise,  as  "  Sir  Jack  Coppers." 

I  was  a  silent,  an  admiring,  an  astounded  wit 
ness  of  this  act  of  gross  and  flagrant  injustice. 
Some  one  pulled  me  aside,  and  then  I  recognized 
the  voice  of  Brigadier  Downright. 

"You  think  that  honors  have  alighted  where 
they  are  least  due.  You  think  that  the  saying  of 
your  Crown  Prince  has  more  smartness  than  truth, 
more  malice  than  honesty.  You  think  that  the 
court  has  judged  on  false  principles,  and  acted  on 
an  impulse  rather  than  on  reason ;  that  the  King 
has  consulted  his  own  ease  in  affecting  to  do  jus 
tice;  that  the  courtiers  have  paid  a  homage  to  their 
master,  in  affecting  to  pay  a  homage  to  merit;  and 
that  nothing  in  this  life  is  pure  or  free  from  the 
taint  of  falsehood,  selfishness  or  vanity.  Alas ! 
this  is  too  much  the  case  with  us  monikins,  I  must 
allow;  though,  doubtless,  among  men  you  manage 
a  vast  deal  more  cleverly." 


CHAPTER  IV. 

About  the  humility  of  professional  saints,  a  succession  of  tails, 
a  bride  and  bridegroom,  and  other  heavenly  matters, — diplo 
macy  included. 

PERCEIVING  that  Brigadier  Downright  had  an 
observant  mind,  and  that  he  was  altogether  supe- 


THE    MON1KINS,  61 

rior  to  the  clannish  feeling  which  is  so  apt  to  ren 
der  a  particular  species  inimical  to  all  others,  I 
asked  permission  to  cultivate  his  acquaintance; 
begging,  at  the  same  time,  that  he  would  kindly 
favor  me  with  such  remarks  as  might  be  suggest 
ed  by  his  superior  wisdom  and  extensive  travels, 
on  any  of  those  customs  or  opinions  that  would 
naturally  present  themselves  in  our  actual  situa 
tion.  The  Brigadier  took  the  request  in  good  part, 
and  we  began  to  promenade  the  rooms  in  compa 
ny.  As  the  Archbishop  of  Aggregation,  who  was 
to  perform  the  marriage  ceremony,  was  shortly 
expected,  the  conversation  very  naturally  turned 
on  the  general  state  of  religion  in  the  monikin 
region. 

I  was  delighted  to  find  that  the  clerical  dogmas 
of  this  insulated  portion  of  the  world  were  based 
on  principles  absolutely  identical  with  those  of  all 
Christendom.  The  monikins  believe  that  they  are 
a  miserable  lost  set  of  wretches,  who  are  so  de 
based  by  nature,  so  eaten  up  by  envy,  uncharita- 
bleness  and  all  other  evil  passions,  that  it  is  quite 
impossible  they  can  do  anything  that  is  good  of 
themselves ;  that  their  sole  dependence  is  on  the 
moral  interference  of  the  great  superior  power  of 
creation;  and  that  the  very  first,  and  the  one  need 
ful  step  of  their  own,  is  to  cast  themselves  entirely 
on  this  power  for  support,  in  a  proper  spirit  of 
dependence  and  humility.  As  collateral  to,  and 
consequent  on  this  condition  of  the  mind,  they  lay 
the  utmost  stress  on  a  disregard  of  all  the  vanities 
of  life,  a  proper  subjection  of  the  lusts  of  the  flesh, 
and  an  abstaining  from  the  pomp  and  vain-glory 
of  ambition,  riches,  power  and  the  faculties.  In 
short,  the  one  thing  needful  was  humility — hu 
mility — humility.  Once  thoroughly  humbled  to  a 
degree  that  put  them  above  the  danger  of  back- 

VOL.  II.  6 


62  THE  MONIKINS. 

sliding,  they  obtained  glimpses  of  security,  and 
were  gradually  elevated  to  the  hopes  and  the  con 
dition  of  the  just. 

The  Brigadier  was  still  eloquently  discoursing 
on  this  interesting  topic,  when  a  distant  door 
opened,  and  a  gold  stick,  or  some  other  sort  of 
stick,  announced  the  Right  Reverend  Father  in 
God,  his  Grace  the  most  eminent  and  most  serene 
Prelate,  the  very  puissant  and  thrice  gracious  and 
glorified  saint,  the  Primate  of  all  Leaphigh ! 

The  reader  will  anticipate  the  eager  curiosity 
with  which  I  advanced  to  get  a  glimpse  of  a  saint 
under  a  system  as  sublimated  as  that  of  the  great 
monikin  family.  Civilization  having  made  such 
progress  as  to  strip  all  the  people,  even  to  the 
King  and  Queen,  entirely  of  every  thing  in  the 
shape  of  clothes,  I  did  not  well  see  under  what 
new  mantle  of  simplicity  the  heads  of  the  church 
could  take  refuge !  Perhaps  they  shaved  oft*  all 
the  hair  from  their  bodies  in  sign  of  supereminent 
self-abasement,  leaving  themselves  naked  to  the 
cuticle,  that  they  might  prove,  by  ocular  evidence, 
what  a  poor  ungainly  set  of  wretches  they  really 
were,  carnally  considered ;  or  perhaps  they  went 
on  all-fours  to  heaven,  in  sign  of  their  unfitness  to 
enter  into  the  presence  of  the  pure  of  mind,  in  an 
attitude  more  erect  and  confident.  Well,  these 
fancies  of  mine  only  wrent  to  prove  how  erroneous 
and  false  are  the  conclusions  of  one  whose  capa 
city  has  not  been  amplified  and  concatenated  by 
the  ingenuities  of  a  very  refined  civilization  !  His 
Grace,  the  most  gracious  Father  in  God,  wore  a 
mantle  of  extraordinary  fineness  and  beauty,  the 
material  of  which  was  composed  of  every  tenth 
hair  taken  from  all  the  citizens  of  Leaphigh,  who 
most  cheerfully  submitted  to  be  shaved,  in  order 
that  the  wants  of  his  most  eminent  humility  might 
be  decently  supplied.  The  mantle,  wove  from  such 


THE   MONIKINS.  63 

a  warp  and  such  a  woof,  was  necessarily  very 
large ;  and  it  really  appeared  to  me  that  the  pre 
late  did  not  very  well  know  what  to-  do  with  so 
much  of  it,  more  especially  as  the  contributions 
include  a  new  robe  annually.  I  was  now  desi 
rous  of  getting  a  sight  of  his  tail ;  for,  knowing 
that  the  Leaphighers  take  great  pride  in  the  length 
and  beauty  of  that  appurtenance,  I  very  naturally 
supposed  that  a  saint  wrho  wore  so  fine  and  glo 
rious  a  robe,  by  way  of  humility,  must  have 
recourse  to  some  novel  expedient  to  mortify  him 
self  on  this  sensitive  subject,  at  least.  I  found  that 
the  ample  proportions  of  the  mantle  concealed, 
not  only  the  person,  but  most  of  the  movements 
of  the  Archbishop ;  and  it  was  with  many  doubts 
of  my  success,  that  I  led  the  Brigadier  behind  the 
episcopal  train  to  reconnoitre.  The  result  disap 
pointed  expectation  again.  Instead  of  being  des 
titute  of  a  taii,  or  of  concealing  that  with  which 
Nature  had  supplied  him  beneath  his  mantle,  the 
most  gracious  dignitary  wore  no  less  than  six 
caudcBj  viz.  his  own,  and  five  others  added  to  it,  by 
some  subtle  process  of  clerical  ingenuity  that  I 
shall  not  attempt  to  explain ;  one  "  bent  on  to  the 
other,"  as  the  Captain  described  them,  in  a  subse 
quent  conversation.  This  extraordinary  train  was 
allowed  to  sweep  the  floor;  the  only  sign  of  humi 
lity,  according  to  my  uninstructed  faculties,  I  could 
discern  about  the  person  and  appearance  of  this 
illustrious  model  of  clerical  self-mortification  and 
humility. 

The  Brigadier,  however,  was  not  tardy  in  set 
ting  me  right.  In  the  first  place,  he  gave  me  to 
understand  that,  the  hierarchy  of  Leaphigh  was 
illustrated  by  the  order  of  their  tails.  Thus,  a 
deacon  wore  one  and  a  half;  a  curate,  if  a  minister, 
one  and  three  quarters,  and  a  rector,  two;  a  dean, 
two  and  a  half;  an  archdeacon,  three ;  a  bishop, 


64  THE   MOtflKINS. 

four ;  the  Primate  of  Leaphigh,  five,  and  the  Pri 
mate  of  all  Leaphigh,  six.  The  origin  of  the  cus 
tom,  which  was  very  ancient,  and  of  course  very 
much  respected,  was  imputed  to  the  doctrine  of  a 
saint  of  great  celebrity,  who  had  satisfactorily 
proved  that  as  the  tail  was  the  intellectual,  or  the 
spiritual  part  of  a  monikin,  the  farther  it  was 
removed  from  the  mass  of  matter,  or  the  body, 
the  more  likely  it  was  to  be  independent,  consecu 
tive,  logical  and  spiritualized.  The  idea  had  suc 
ceeded  astonishingly  at  first;  but  time,  which  will 
wear  out  even  a  cauda,  had  given  birth  to  schisms 
in  the  church  on  this  interesting  subject ;  one  party 
contending  that  two  more  joints  ought  to  be  added 
to  the  Archbishop's  embellishment,  by  way  of  sus 
taining  the  church,  and  the  other  that  two  joints 
ought  to  be  incontinently  abstracted,  in  the  way 
of  reform. 

These  explanations  were  interrupted  by  the  ap 
pearance  of  the  bride  and  bridegroom,  at  different 
doors.  The  charming  Chatterissa  advanced  with 
a  most  prepossessing  modesty,  followed  by  a  glo 
rious  train  of  noble  maidens,  all  keeping  their  eyes, 
by  a  rigid  ordinance  of  hymeneal  etiquette,  drop 
ped  to  the  level  of  the  Queen's  feet.  On  the  other 
hand,  my  Lord  Chatterino,  attended  by  that  cox 
comb  Hightail,  and  others  of  his  kidney,  stepped 
towards  the  altar  with  a  lofty  confidence,  which  the 
same  etiquette  exacted  of  the  bridegroom.  The 
parties  were  no  sooner  in  their  places,  than  the 
prelate  commenced. 

The  marriage  ceremony,  according  to  the  for 
mula  of  the  established  church  of  Leaphigh,  is  a 
very  solemn  and  imposing  ceremony.  The  bride 
groom  is  required  to  swear  that  he  loves  the  bride 
and  none  but  the  bride;  that  he  has  made  his 
choice  solely  on  account  of  her  merits,  uninflu 
enced  even  by  her  beauty ;  and  that  he  will  so  far 


THE   MONIKINS.  65 

command  his  inclinations  as,  on  no  account*  ever  to 
love  another  a  jot.  The  bride*  on  her  part,  calls 
heaven  and  earth  to  witness,  that  she  will  do  just 
what  the  bridegroom  shall  ask  of  her ;  that  she  will 
be  his  bondwoman,  his  slave,  his  solace  and  his 
delight ;  that  she  is  quite  certain  no  other  monikin 
could  make  her  happy,  but,  on  the  other  hand,  she 
is  absolutely  sure  that  any  other  monikin  would 
be  certain  to  make  her  miserable.  When  these 
pledges,  oaths  and  asseverations  were  duly  made 
and  recorded,  the  Archbishop  caused  the  happy 
pair  to  be  wreathed  together,  by  encircling  them 
with  his  episcopal  tail,  and  they  were  then  pro 
nounced  monikin  and  monikina.  I  pass  over  the 
congratulations,  which  were  quite  in  rule,  to  relate 
a  short  conversation  I  held  with  the  Brigadier. 

"  Sir,"  said  I,  addressing  that  person,  as  soon  as 
the  prelate  said  'amen,'  "how  is  this?  I  have 
seen  a  certificate,  myself,  which  showed  that 
there  was  a  just  admeasurement  of  the  fitness  of 
this  union,  on  the  score  of  other  considerations 
than  those  mentioned  in  the  ceremony !" 

u  That  certificate  has  no  connexion  with  this 
ceremony." 

"  And  yet  this  ceremony  repudiates  all  the  con 
siderations  enumerated  in  the  certificate !" 

"  This  ceremony  has  no  connexion  with  that 
certificate." 

"  So  it  would  seem ;  and  yet  both  refer  to  the 
same  solemn  engagement !" 

"  Why,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  Sir  John  Golden- 
calf,  we  monikins  (for  in  these  particulars  Leaphigh 
is  Leaplow)  have  two  distinct  governing  princi 
ples  in  all  that  we  say  or  do,  which  may  be  di 
vided  into  the  theoretical  and  the  practical — moral 
and  immoral  would  not  be  inapposite — but,  by  the 
first  we  control  all  our  interests,  down  as  far  as 
6* 


66  THE    MONIKINS. 

facts,  when  we  immediately  submit  to  the  latter. 
There  may  possibly  be  something  inconsistent  in 
appearance  in  such  an  arrangement ;  but  then  our 
most  knowing  ones  say  that  it  works  well.  No 
doubt  among  men,  you  get  along  without  the  em 
barrassment  of  so  much  contradiction." 

I  now  advanced  to  pay  my  respects  to  the 
Countess  of  Chatterino,  who  stood  supported  by 
the  Countess-dowager,  a  lady  of  great  dignity  and 
elegance  of  demeanor.  The  moment  I  appeared, 
the  elaborate  air  of  modesty  vanished  from  the 
charming  countenance  of  the  bride,  in  a  look  of 
natural  pleasure ;  and,  turning  to  her  new  mother, 
she  pointed  me  out  as  a  man !  The  courteous  old 
dowager  gave  me  a  very  kind  reception,  inquiring 
if  I  had  enough  good  things  to  eat,  whether  I  was 
not  much  astonished  at  the  multitude  of  strange 
sights  I  beheld  in  Leaphigh,  said  I  ought  to  be 
much  obliged  to  her  son  for  consenting  to  bring 
me  over,  and  invited  me  to  come  and  see  her, 
some  fine  morning. 

I  bowed  my  thanks,  and  then  returned  to  join 
the  Brigadier,  with  a  view  to  seek  an  introduction 
to  the  Archbishop.  Before  I  relate  the  particulars 
of  my  interview  with  that  pious  prelate,  however, 
it  may  be  well  to  say  that  this  was  the  last  I  ever 
saw  of  any  of  the  Chatterino  set,  as  they  retired 
from  the  presence  immediately  after  the  congratu 
lations  were  ended.  I  heard,  however,  previously 
to  leaving  the  region,  which  was  within  a  month 
of  the  marriage,  that  the  noble  pair  kept  separate 
establishments,  on  account  of  some  disagreement 
about  an  incompatibility  of  temper — or  a  young 
officer  of  the  guards — I  never  knew  exactly  which; 
but  as  the  estates  suited  each  other  so  well,  there 
is  little  doubt  that,  on  the  whole,  the  match  was 
as  happy  as  could  be  expected. 


THE    MONIK1NS.  67 

The  Archbishop  received  me  with  a  great  deal 
of  professional  benevolence,  the  conversation  drop 
ping  very  naturally  into  a  comparison  of  the  re 
spective  religious  systems  of  Great  Britain  and 
Leaphigh.  He  was  delighted  when  he  found  we 
had  an  establishment;  and  I  believe  I  was  indebted 
to  his  knowledge  of  this  fact,  for  his  treating  me 
more  as  an  equal  than  he  might  otherwise  nave 
done,  considering  the  difference  in  species.  I  was 
much  relieved  by  this ;  for,  at  the  commencement 
of  the  conversation,  he  had  sounded  me  a  little  on 
doctrine,  at  which  I  am  far  from  being  expert, 
never  having  taken  an  interest  in  the  church,  and 
I  thought  he  looked  frowning  at  some  of  my 
answers ;  but,  when  he  heard  that  we  really  had 
a  national  religion,  he  seemed  to  think  all  safe,  nor 
did  he  once,  after  that,  inquire  whether  we  were 
pagans  or  presbyterians.  But  when  I  told  him  we 
had  actually  a  hierarchy,  I  thought  the  good  old 
prelate  would  have  shaken  my  hand  off,  and  beati 
fied  me  on  the  spot ! 

"  We  shall  meet  in  heaven  some  day !"  he  ex 
claimed,  with  holy  delight ;  "  men  or  monikins,  it 
can  make  no  great  difference,  after  all.  We  shall 
meet  in  heaven ;  and  that,  too,  in  the  upper  man 
sions  !" 

The  reader  will  suppose  that,  an  alien,  and 
otherwise  unknown,  I  was  much  elated  by  this 
distinction.  To  go  to  heaven  in  company  with  the 
Archbishop  of  Leaphigh  was  in  itself  no  small 
favor ;  but  to  be  thus  noticed  by  him  at  court  was 
really  enough  to  upset  the  philosophy  of  a  stranger. 
I  was  sorely  afraid,  all  the  while,  he  would  descend 
to  particulars,  and  that  he  might  have  found  some 
essential  points  of  difference  to  nip  his  new-born 
admiration.  Had  he  asked  me,  for  instance,  how 
many  caudce  our  bishops  wear,  I  should  have  been 


6S  THE    MON1K1NS. 

badgered ;  for,  as  near  as  I  could  recollect,  their 
personal  illustration  was  of  another  character. 
The  venerable  prelate,  however,  soon  gave  me 
his  blessing,  pressed  me  warmly  to  come  to  his 
palace  before  I  sailed,  promised  to  send  some 
tracts  by  me  to  England,  and  then  hurried  away, 
as  he  said/to  sign  a  sentence  of  excommunication 
against  an  unruly  presbyter,  who  had  much  dis 
turbed  the  harmony  of  the  church,  of  late,  by  an 
attempt  to  introduce  a  schism  that  he  called 
"  piety." 

The  Brigadier  and  myself  discussed  the  subject 
of  religion  at  some  length,  when  the  illustrious 
prelate  had  taken  his  leave.  I  was  told  that  the 
monikin  world  was  pretty,  nearly  equally  divided 
into  two  parts,  the  old  and  the  new.  The  latter 
had  remained  uninhabited,  until  within  a  few  gene 
rations,  when  certain  monikins,  who  were  too 
good  to  live  in  the  old  world,  emigrated  in  a 
body,  and  set  up  for  themselves  in  the  new.  This, 
the  Brigadier  admitted,  was  the  Leaplow  account 
of  the  matter;  the  inhabitants  of  the  old  countries, 
on  the  other  hand,  invariably  maintaining  that  they 
had  peopled  the  new  countries  by  sending  all  those 
of  their  own  communities  there,  who  were  not  fit  to 
stay  at  home.  This  little  obscurity  in  the  history 
of  the  new  world,  he  considers  of  no  great  moment, 
as  such  trifling  discrepancies  must  always  depend 
on  the  character  of  the  historian.  Leaphigh  was 
by  no  means  the  only  country  in  the  elder  monikin 
region.  There  were  among  others,  for  instance, 
Leapup  and  Leapdown ;  Leapover  and  Leap- 
through;  Leaplong  and  Leapshort;  Leapround 
and  Leapunder.  Each  of  these  countries  had  a 
religious  establishment,  though  Leaplow,  being 
founded  on  a  new  social  principle,  had  none.  The 
Brigadier  thought,  himself,  on  the  whole,  that  the 


THE    MONIKINS.  69 

chief  consequences  of  the  two  systems  were,  that 
the  countries  which  had  establishments  had  a  great 
reputation .  for  possessing  religion,  and  those  that 
had  no  establishments  were  well  enough  off  in  the 
article  itself,  though  but  indifferently  supplied  on 
the  score  of  reputation. 

I  inquired  of  the  Brigadier  if  he  did  not  think  an 
establishment  had  the  beneficial  effect  of  sustain 
ing  truth,  by  suppressing  heresies,  limiting  and  cur 
tailing  prurient  theological  fancies,  and  otherwise 
setting  limits  to  innovations.  My  friend  did  not 
absolutely  agree  with  me  in  all  these  particulars ; 
though  he  very  frankly  allowed  that  it  had  the  effect 
of  keeping  two  truths  from  falling  out,  by  separating 
them.  Thus,  Leapup  maintained  one  set  of  reli 
gious  dogmas  under  its  establishment,  and  Leap- 
down  maintained  their  converse.  By  keeping 
these  truths  apart,  no  doubt,  religious  harmony 
was  promoted,  and  the  several  ministers  of  the 
gospel  were  enabled  to  turn  all  their  attention  to 
the  sins  of  the  community,  instead  of  allowing  it 
to  be  diverted  to  the  sins  of  each  other,  as  was 
very  apt  to  be  the  case  when  there  was  an  anta 
gonist  interest  to  oppose. 

Shortly  after,  tKe  King  and  Queen  gave  us  all 
our  conges.  Noah  and  myself  got  through  the 
crowd  without  injury  to  our  trains,  and  we  sepa 
rated  in  the  court  of  the  palace ;  he  to  go  to  his 
bed  and  dream  of  his  trial  on  the  morrow,  and  I 
to  go  home  with  Judge  People's  Friend  and  the 
Brigadier,  who  had  invited  me  to  finish  the  even 
ing  with  a  supper.  I  was  left  chatting  with  the 
last,  while  the  first  went  into  his  closet  to  indite  a 
dispatch  to  his  government,  relating  to  the  events 
of  the  evening. 

The  Brigadier  was  rather  caustic  in  his  com- 


70  THE    MONIKINS. 

ments  on  the  incidents  of  the  drawing-room.  A 
republican  himself,  he  certainly  did  love  to  give 
royalty  and  nobility  some  occasional  rubs  ;  though 
I  must  do  this  worthy,  upright  monikin  the  justice 
to  say,  he  was  quite  superior  to  that  vulgar  hostili 
ty  which  is  apt  to  distinguish  many  of  his  caste, 
and  which  is  founded  on  a  principle  as  simple  as 
the  fact  that  they  cannot  be  kings  and  nobles 
themselves. 

While  we  were  chatting  very  pleasantly,  quite 
at  our  ease,  and  in  undress,  as  it  were,  the  Briga 
dier  in  his  bob,  and  I  with  my  tail  laid  aside,  Judge 
People's  Friend  rejoined  us,  with  his  dispatch  open 
in  his  hand.  He  read  aloud  what  he  had  written, 
to  my  great  astonishment,  for  I  had  been  accus 
tomed  to  think  diplomatic  communications  sacred. 
But  the  Judge  observed,  that  in  this  case  it  was 
useless  to  affect  secresy,  for  two  very  good  rea 
sons  ;  firstly,  because  he  had  been  obliged  to  employ 
a  common  Leaphigh  scrivener  to  copy  what  he  had 
written, — his  government  depending  on  a  noble 
republican  economy,  which  taught  it  that,  if  it 
did  get  into  difficulties  by  the  betrayal  of  its  cor 
respondence,  it  would  still  have  the  money  that  a 
clerk  would  cost,  to  help  it  out  of  the  embarrass 
ment  ;  and,  secondly,  because  he  knew  the  govern 
ment  itself  would  print  it,  as  soon  as  it  arrived.  For 
his  part,  he  liked  to  have  the  publishing  of  his  own 
works.  Under  these  circumstances,  I  was  even 
allowed  to  take  a  copy  of  the  letter,  of  which  I 
now  furnish  a  fac-simile. 

SIR, 

The  undersigned,  Envoy  Extraordinary  and  Minister  Pleni 
potentiary  of  the  North- Western  Leaplow  Confederate  Union, 
has  the  honor  to  inform  the  Secretary  of  State,  that  our  inte- 
reits  in  this  portion  of  Iho  oarth  arc,  in  general,  on  the  best 


THE    MON1KINS.  71 

possible  footing  ;  our  national  character  is  getting  every  day 
to  be  more  and  more  elevated  ;  our  rights  are  more  and  more 
respected,  and  our  flag  is  more  and  more  whitening  every 
sea.  After  this  flattering  and  honorable  account  of  the  state 
of  our  general  concerns,  I  hasten  to  communicate  the  follow 
ing  interesting  particulars. 

The  treaty  between  our  beloved  North- Western  Confederate 
Union  and  Leaphigh,  has  been  dishonored  in  every  one  of  its 
articles ;  nineteen  Leaplow  seamen  have  been  forcibly  im 
pressed  into  a  Leapthrough  vessel  of  war ;  the  King  of  Leap- 
up  has  made  an  unequivocal  demonstration  with  a  very  im 
proper  part  of  his  person,  at  us ;  and  the  King  of  Leapover 
has  caused  seven  of  our  ships  to  be  seized  and  sold,  and  the 
money  to  be  given  to  his  mistress. 

Sir,  I  congratulate  you  on  this  very  flattering  condition  of 
our  foreign  relations ;  which  can  only  be  imputed  to  the  glo 
rious  constitution  of  which  we  are  the  common  servants,  and 
to  the  just  dread  which  the  Leaplow  name  has  so  universally 
inspired  in  other  nations. 

The  King  has  just  had  a  drawing-room,  in  which  I  took 
great  care  to  see  that  the  honor  of  our  beloved  country  should 
be  faithfully  attended  to.  My  cauda  was  at  least  three  inches 
longer  than  that  of  the  representative  of  Leapup,  the  Minis 
ter  most  favored  by  Nature  in  this  important  particular ;  and 
I  have  the  pleasure  of  adding,  that  her  Majesty  the  Queen 
deigned  to  give  me  a  very  gracious  smile.  Of  the  sincerity 
of  that  smile  there  can  be  no  earthly  doubt,  sir ;  for,  though 
there  is  abundant  evidence  that  she  did  apply  certain  un 
seemly  words  to  our  beloved  country,  lately,  it  would  quite 
exceed  the  rules  of  diplomatic  courtesy,  arid  be  unsustained 
by  proof,  were  we  to  call  in  question  her  royal  sincerity  on 
this  public  occasion.  Indeed,  sir,  at  all  the  recent  drawing- 
rooms  I  have  received  smiles  of  the  most  sincere  and  encou 
raging  character,  not  only  from  the  King,  but  from  all  his 
ministers,  his  first-cousin  in  particular ;  and  I  trust  they  will 


72  THE    MONIKINS. 

have  the  most  beneficial  effects  on  the  questions  at  issue  be 
tween  the  Kingdom  of  Leaphigh  and  our  beloved  country. 
If  they  would  now  only  do  us  justice  in  the  very  important 
affair  of  the  long-standing  and  long-neglected  redress,  which 
we  have  been  seeking  in  vain  at  their  hands,  for  the  last 
seventy-two  years,  I  should  say  that  our  relations  were  on 
the  best  possible  footing. 

Sir,  I  congratulate  you  on  the  profound  respect  with  which 
the  Leaplow  name  is.  treated,  in  the  most  distant  quarters  of 
the  earth,  and  on  the  benign  influence  this  fortunate  circum 
stance  is  likely  to  exercise  on  all  our  important  interests. 

I  see  but  little  probability  of  effecting  the  object  of  my 
special  mission,  but  the  utmost  credit  is  to  be  attached  to  the 
sincerity  of  the  smiles  of  the  King  and  Queen,  and  of  all 
the  royal  family. 

In  a  late  conversation  with  his  Majesty,  he  inquired  in  the 
kindest  manner  after  the  health  of  the  Great  Sachem,  [this 
is  the  title  of  the  head  of  the  Leaplow  government,]  and 
observed  that  our  growth  and  prosperity  put  all  other  nations  to 
shame ;  and  that  we  might,  on  all  occasions,  depend  on  his 
most  profound  respect  and  perpetual  friendship.  In  short,  sir, 
all  nations,  far  and  near,  desire  our  alliance,  are  anxious  to 
open  new  sources  of  commerce,  and  entertain  for  us  the  pro- 
foundest  respect,  and  the  most  inviolable  esteem. — You  can 
tell  the  Great  Sachem  that  this  feeling  is  surprisingly  aug 
mented  under  his  administration,  and  that  it  has  at  least  quad 
rupled  during  my  mission.  If  Leaphigh  would  only  respect 
its  treaties,  Leapthrough  would  cease  taking  our  seamen, 
Lea  pup  have  greater  deference  for  the  usages  of  good  society, 
and  the  King  of  Leapover  would  seize  no  more  of  our  ships 
to  supply  his  mistress  with  pocket-money,  our  foreign  rela 
tions  might  be  considered  to  be  without  spot.  As  it  is,  sir,  they 
are  far  better  off  than  I  could  have  expected,  or  indeed,  had 
ever  hoped  to  see  them ;  and  of  one  thing  you  may  be  diplo 
matically  certain,  that  we  are  universally  respected,  and  that 


THE    MONIKINS.  73 

the  Leaplow  name  is  never  mentioned  without  all  in  compa 
ny  rising  and  waving  their  caudce. 

(Signed.)  JUDAS  PEOPLE'S  FRIEND. 

Hon. ,  &c 

P.  S.  [Private.] 

DEAR  SIR, — If  you  publish  this  dispatch,  omit  the  part 
where  the  difficulties  are  repeated.  I  beg  you  will  see  that 
my  name  is  put  in  with  those  of  the  other  patriots,  against 
the  periodical  rotation  of  the  little  wheel ;  as  I  shall  certainly 
be  obliged  to  return  home  soon,  having  consumed  all  my 
means.  Indeed,  the  expense  of  maintaining  a  tail,  of  which 
our  people  have  no  notion,  is  so  very  great,  that  I  think  none 
of  our  missions  should  exceed  a  week  in  duration. 

I  would  especially  advise  that  the  message  should  dilate 
on  .the  subject  of  the  high  standing  of  the  Leaplow  character, 
in  foreign  nations ;  for,  to  be  frank  with  you,  facts  require 
that  this  statement  should  be  made  as  often  as  possible. 

When  this  letter  was  read,  the  conversation  re 
verted  to  religion.  The  Brigadier  explained  that 
the  law  of  Leaphigh  had  various  peculiarities  on 
this  subject,  that  I  do  not  remember  to  have  heard 
of  before.  Thus,  a  monikin  could  not  be  born, 
without  paying  something  to  the  church,  a  prac 
tice  which  early  initiated  him  into  his-  duties  to 
wards  that  important  branch  of  the  public  welfare; 
and,  even  when  he  died,  he  left  a  fee  behind  him, 
for  the  parson,  as  an  admonition  to  those  who  still 
existed  in  the  flesh,  not  to  forget  their  obligations. 
He  added  that  this  sacred  interest  was,  in  short,  so 
rigidly  protected,  that,  whenever  a  monikin  refused 
to  be  plucked  for  a  new  clerical  or  episcopal  man 
tle,  there  was  a  method  of  fleecing  him,  by  the 
application  of  red-hot  iron  rods,  which  generally 
singed  so  much  of  his  skin,  that,  he  was  commonly 
willing,  in  the  end,  to  let  the  hair-proctors  pick  and 
choose,  at  pleasure. 

VOL.  II.  7 


74  THE    MONIKINS. 

I  confess  I  was  indignant  at  this  picture,  and  did 
not  hesitate  to  stigmatize  the  practice  as  barbarous. 

"  Your  indignation  is  very  natural,  Sir  John,  and 
is  just  what  a  stranger  would  be  likely  to  feel, 
when  he  found  mercy,  and  charity,  and  brotherly 
love,  and  virtue,  and,  above  all,  humility,  made  the 
stalking-horses  of  pride,  selfishness,  and  avarice. 
But  this  is  the  way  with  us  monikins ;  no  doubt, 
men  manage  better." 


CHAPTER  V. 

A  very  common  case — or  a  great  deal  of  law,  and  very  little 
justice.    Heads  and  tails — with  the  dangers  of  each. 

I  WAS  early  with  Noah  on  the  following  morning. 
The  poor  fellow,  when  it  is  remembered  that  he 
was  about  to  be  tried  for  a  capital  offence,  in  a 
foreign  country,  under  novel  institutions,  and  before 
a  jury  of  a  different  species,  manifested  a  surpris 
ing  degree  of  fortitude.  Still,  the  love  of  life  was 
strong  within  him,  as  was  apparent  by  the  way  in 
which  he  opened  the  discourse. 

"  Did  you  observe  how  the  wind  was,  this  morn 
ing,  Sir  John,  as  you  came  in  ?"  the  straight-forward 
sealer  inquired,  with  a  peculiar  interest. 

"  It  is  a  pleasant  gale  from  the  southward." 

"  Right  off  shore !  If  one  knew  where  all  them 
blackguards  of  Rear  Admirals  and  Post  Captains 
were  to  be  found — I  don't  think,  Sir  John,  that  you 
would  care  much  about  paying  those  fifty  thousand 
promises  ?" 

"My  recognizes? — Not  in  the  least,  my  dear 
friend,  were  it  not  for  our  honor.  It  would  scarce 
ly  be  creditable  for  the  Walrus  to  sail,  however, 


'      -  -;^'"  - 

THE    MONIKINS.  75 

leaving  an  unsettled  account  of  her  Captain's  be- 
nind  us.  What  would  they  say  at  Stunnin'tun — 
what  would  your  own  consort  think  of  an  act  so 
unmanly  ?" 

"  Why,  at  Stunnin'tun,  we  think  him  the  smart 
est  who  gets  the  easiest  out  of  any  difficulty ;  and 
1  do  n't  well  see  why  Miss  Poke  should  know  it, — 
or,  if  she  did,  why  she  should  think  the  worse  of 
her  husband,  for  saving  his  life." 

"  Away  with  these  unworthy  thoughts,  and  brace 
yourself  to  meet  the  trial.  We  shall,  at  least,  get 
some  insight  into  the  Leaphigh  jurisprudence. — 
Come,  I  see  you  are  already  dressed  for  the  occa 
sion  ;  let  us  be  as  prompt  as  duellists." 

Noah  made  up  his  mind  to  submit  with  dignity ; 
although  he  lingered  in  the  great  square,  in  order 
to  study  the  clouds,  in  a  way  to  show  he  might 
have  settled  the  whole  affair  with  the  fore-topsail, 
had  he  known  where  to  find  his  crew.  Fortunately 
for  the  reputations  of  all  concerned,  however,  he 
did  not ;  and,  discarding  everything  like  apprehen 
sion  from  his  countenance,  the  sturdy  mariner  enter 
ed  the  Old  Bailey  with  the  tread  of  a  man,  and  the 
firmness  of  innocence.  I  ought  to  have  said  sooner, 
that  we  had  received  notice  early  in  the  morning, 
that  the  proceedings  had  been  taken  from  before 
the  pages,  on  appeal,  and  that  a  new  venue  had  been 
laid  in  the  High  Criminal  Court  of  Leaphigh. 

Brigadier  Downright  met  us  at  the  door ;  where 
also  a  dozen,  grave,  greasy-looking  counsellors  ga 
thered  about  us,  in  a  way  to  show  that  they  were 
ready  to  volunteer  in  behalf  of  the  stranger,  on 
receiving  no  more  than  the  customary  fee.  But  I 
had  determined  to  defend  Noah  myself,  (the  court 
consenting,)  for  I  had  forebodings  that  our  safety 
would  depend  more  on  an  appeal  to  the  rights  of 
hospitality,  than  on  any  legal  defence  it  was  in  our 


76  THE    MONIK1NS. 

power  to  offer.  As  the  Brigadier  kindly  volunteered 
to  aid  me  for  nothing,  I  thought  proper  not  to  re 
fuse  his  services,  however. 

I  pass  over  the  appearance  of  the  court,  the  em- 
pannelling  of  the  jury,  and  the  arraignment;  for,  in 
matters  of  mere  legal  forms,  there  is  no  great 
difference  between  civilized  countries,  all  of  them 
wearing  the  same  semblance  of  justice.  The  first 
indictment,  for  unhappily  there  were  two,  charged 
Noah  with  having  committed  an  assault,  with  malice 
prepense,  on  the  King's  dignity,  with  "  sticks,  dag 
gers,  muskets,  blunderbusses,  air-guns,  and  other 
unlawful  weapons,  more  especially  with  the  tongue, 
in  that  he  had  accused  his  Majesty,  face  to  face, 
with  having  a  memory,  &c.  &c."  The  other  indict 
ment,  repeating  the  formula  of  the  first,  charged  the 
honest  sealer  with  feloniously  accusing  her  Majes 
ty  the  Queen,  "in  defiance  of  the  law,  to  the  injury 
of  good  morals  and  the  peace  of  society,  with 
having  no  memory,  &c.  &c."  To  both  these  charges, 
the  plea  of  "  Not  Guilty,"  was  entered  as  fast  as 
possible,  in  behalf  of  our  client. 

I  ought  to  have  said  before,  that  both  Brigadier 
Downright  and  myself  had  applied  to  be  admitted 
of  counsel  for  the  accused,  under  an  ancient  law 
of  Leaphigh,  as  next  of  kin ;  I  as  a  fellow  human 
being,  and  the  Brigadier  by  adoption. 

The  preliminary  forms  observed,  the  Attorney- 
General  was  about  to  go  into  proof,  in  behalf  of 
the  crown,  when  my  brother  Downright  arose  and 
said  that  he  intended  to  save  the  precious  time  of 
the  court,  by  admitting  the  facts ;  and  that  it  was 
intended  to  rest  the  defence  altogether  on  the  law 
of  the  case.  He  presumed  that  the  jury  was  the 
judge  of  the  law  as  well  as  of  the  facts,  according 
to  the  rule  of  Leaplow,  and  that  "  he  and  his  bro 
ther  Goldencalf  were  quite  prepared  to  show  that 


THE    MONIKINS.  77 

the  law  was  altogether  with  us,  in  this  affair." 
The  court  received  the  admission,  and  the  facts 
were  submitted  to  the  jury,  by  consent,  as  proven; 
although  the  Chief-Justice  took  occasion  to  remark, 
Longbeard  dissenting,  that,  while  the  jury  were 
certainly  judges  of  the  law,  in  one  sense,  yet  there 
was  another  sense  in  which  they  were  not  judges 
of  the  law.  The  dissent  of  Baron  Longbeard  went 
to  maintain  that  while  the  jury  were  the  judges  of 
the  law  in  the  "  another  sense"  mentioned,  they 
were  not  judges  of  the  law  in  the  "one  sense" 
named.  This  difficulty  disposed  of,  Mr.  Attorney- 
General  arose  and  opened  for  the  crown. 

I  soon  found  that  we  had  one  of  a  very  compre 
hensive  and  philosophical  turn  of  mind  against  us, 
in  the  advocate  of. the  other  side.  He  commenced 
his  argument  by  a  vigorous  and  lucid  sketch  of  the 
condition  of  the  world  previously  to  the  subdivi 
sions  of  its  different  inhabitants  into  nations,  and 
tribes,  and  clans,  while  in  the  human  or  chrysalis 
condition.  From  this  statement,  he  deduced  the 
regular  gradations  by  which  men  became  sepa 
rated  into  communities,  and  subjected  to  the  laws 
of  civilization,  or  what  is  called  society.  Having 
proceeded  thus  far,  he  touched  lightly  on  the  dif 
ferent  phases  that  the  institutions  of  men  had  pre 
sented,  and  descended  gradually  and  consecutively 
to  the  fundamental  principles  of  the  social  com 
pact,  as  they  were  known  to  exist  among  monikins. 
After  a  few  general  observations  that  properly  be 
longed  to  the  subject,  he  came  to  speak  of  those 
portions  of  the  elementary  principles  of  society 
that  are  connected  with  the  rights  of  the  sovereign. 
These  he  divided  into  the  rights  of  the  King's  pre 
rogative,  the  rights  of  the  King's  person,  and  the 
rights  of  the  King's  conscience.  Here  he  again 
generalized  a  little,  and  in  a  very  happy  manner ; 
7* 


?8  THE   MON1K1NS. 

so  well,  indeed,  as  to  leave  all  his  hearers  in  doubt 
as  to  what  he  would  next  be  at ;  when,  by  a  fierce 
logical  swoop,  he  descended  suddenly  on  the  latter 
of  the  King's  rights,  as  the  one  that  was  most 
connected  with  the  subject. 

He  triumphantly  showed  that  the  branch  of  the 
royal  immunities  that  was  chiefly  affected  by  the 
offence  of  the  prisoner  at  the  bar,  was  very  clearly 
connected  with  the  rights  of  the  King's  conscience. 
"  The  attributes  of  royalty,"  observed  the  sagacious 
advocate,  "  are  not  to  be  estimated  in  the  same  man 
ner  as  the  attributes  of  the  subject.  In  the  sacred 
person  of  the  King  are  centred  many,  if  not  most, 
of  the  interesting  privileges  of  monikinism.  That 
royal  personage,  in  a  political  sense,  can  do  no 
wrong;  official  infallibility  is  the  consequence.  Such 
a  being  has  no  occasion  for  the  ordinary  faculties 
of  the  monikin  condition.  Of  what  use,  for  instance, 
is  a  judgment,  or  a  conscience,  to  a  functionary 
who  can  do  no  wrong?  The  law,  in  order  to  relieve 
one  on  whose  shoulders  was  imposed  the  burthen 
of  the  state,  had,  consequently,  placed  the  latter 
especially  in  the  keeping  of  another.  His  Majesty's 
first-cousin  is  the  keeper  of  his  conscience,  as 
is  known  throughout  the  realm  of  Leaphigh.  A 
memory  is  the  faculty  of  the  least  account  to  a 
personage  who  has  no  conscience;  and,  while  it 
is  not  contended  that  the  sovereign  is  relieved 
from  the  possession  of  his  memory  by  any  positive 
statute  law,  or  direct  constitutional  provision,  it 
follows,  by  unavoidable  implication,  and  by  all 
legitimate  construction,  that,  having  no  occasion 
to  possess  such  a  faculty,  it  is  the  legal  presump 
tion  he  is  altogether  without  it." 

"  That  simplicity,  lucidity  and  distinctness,  my 
Lords,"  continued  Mr.  Attorney-General,  "  which 
ar«  necessary  to  every  well-ordered  mind,  would 


THE  MONIKINS.  "79 

be  impaired,  in  the  case  of  his  Majesty,  were  his 
intellectual  faculties  unnecessarily  crowded  in  this 
useless  manner,  and  the  state  would  be  the  sufferer. 
My  Lords,  the  King  reigns,  but  he  does  not  govern* 
This  is  a  fundamental  principle  of  the  constitution ; 
nay,  it  is  more — it  is  the  palladium  of  our  liberties! 
My  Lords,  it  is  an  easy  matter  to  reign  in  Leap- 
high.  It  requires  no  more  than  the  rights  of  pri 
mogeniture,  sufficient  discretion  to  understand  the 
distinction  between  reigning  and  governing,  and  a 
political  moderation  that  is  unlikely  to  derange  the 
balance  of  the  state.  But  it  is  quite  a  different  thing 
to  govern.  His  Majesty  is  required  to  govern  no 
thing,  the  slight  interests  just  mentioned  excepted ; 
no,  not  even  himself.  The  case  is  far  otherwise 
with  his  first  cousin.  This  high  functionary  is 
charged  with  the  important  trust  of  governing.  It 
had  been  found,  in  the  early  ages  of  the  monarchy, 
that  one  conscience,  or  indeed  one  set  of  faculties 
generally,  scarcely  sufficed  for  him  whose  duty  it 
was  both  to  reign  and  to  govern.  We  all  know, 
my  Lords,  how  insufficient  for  our  personal  ob 
jects  are  our  own  private  faculties ;  how  difficult 
we  find  it  to  restrain  even  ourselves,  assisted  merely 
by  our  own  judgments,  consciences  and  memories; 
and  in  this  fact,  do  we  perceive  the  great  import 
ance  of  investing  him  who  governs  others,  with  an 
additional  set  of  these  grave  faculties.  Under  a 
due  impression  of  the  exigency  of  such  a  state  of 
things,  the  common  law — not  statute  law,  my 
Lords,  which  is  apt  to  be  tainted  with  the  imperfec 
tions  of  monikin  reason  in  its  isolated  or  individual 
state,  usually  bearing  the  impress  of  the  single  cauda 
from  which  it  emanated;  but  the  common  law,  the 
known  receptacle  of  all  the  common  sense  of  the 
nation — in  such  a  state  of  things,  then,  has  the 
common  law  long  since  decreed  that  his  Majesty's 

' 


80  THE   MON1KINS. 

first-cousin  should  be  the  keeper  of  his  Majesty's 
conscience;  and,  by  necessary  legal  implication, 
endowed  with  his  Majesty's  judgment,  his  Majes 
ty's  reason,  and,  finally,  his  Majesty's  memory. 

"  My  Lords,  this  is  the  legal  presumption.  It 
would,  in  addition,  be  easy  for  me  to  show,  in  a 
thousand  facts,  that  not  only  the  sovereign  of  Leap- 
high,  but  most  other  sovereigns,  are  and  ever  have 
been,  destitute  of  the  faculty  of  a  memory.  It  might 
be  said  to  be  incompatible  with  the  royal  condition 
to  be  possessed  of  this  obtrusive  faculty.  Were  a 
prince  endowed  with  a  memory,  he  might  lose 
sight  of  his  high  estate,  in  the  recollection  that  he 
was  born,  and  that  he  is  destined,  like  another,  to 
die ;  he  might  be  troubled  with  visions  of  the  past ; 
nay,  the  consciousness  of  his  very  dignity  might  be 
unsettled  and  weakened  by  a  vivid  view  of  the  ori 
gin  of  his  royal  race.  Promises,  obligations,  attach 
ments,  duties,  principles,  and  even  debts,  might 
interfere  with  the  due  discharge  of  his  sacred 
trusts,  were  the  sovereign  invested  with  a  memory; 
and  it  has,  therefore,  been  decided,  from  time  im 
memorial,  that  his  Majesty  is  utterly  without  the 
properties  of  reason,  judgment,  and  memory,  as  a 
legitimate  inference  from  his  being  destitute  of  a 
conscience." 

Mr.  Attorney-General  now  directed  the  attention 
of  the  court  and  jury  to  a  statute  of  the  3d  of  First 
born  6th,  by  which  it  was  enacted  that  any  person 
attributing  to  his  Majesty  the  possession  of  any 
faculty,  with  felonious  intent,  that  might  endanger 
the  tranquillity  of  the  state,  should  suffer  decaudisa- 
tion,  without  benefit  of  clergy.  Here  he  rested  the 
case  on  behalf  of  the  crown. 

There  was  a  solemn  pause,  after  the  speaker  had 
resumed  his  seat.  His  argument,  logic,  and  above 
all  his  good  sense  and  undeniable  law,  made  a  very 


THE    MONIKINS.  81 

sensible  impression ;  and  I  had  occasion  to  observe 
that  Noah  began  to  chew  tobacco  ravenously. 
After  a  decent  interval,  however,  Brigadier  Down 
right,  who,  it  would  seem,  in  spite  of  his  military 
appellation,  was  neither  more  nor  less  than  a  prac 
tising  attorney  and  counsellor  in  the  city  of  Bivouac, 
the  commercial  capital  of  the  republic  of  Leaplow, 
arose  and  claimed  a  right  to  be  heard  in  reply.  The 
court  now  took  it  into  its  head  to  start  the  objec 
tion,  for  the  first  time,  that  the  advocate  had  not 
been  duly  qualified  to  plead,  or  to  argue,  at  their 
bar.  My  brother  Downright  instantly  referred 
their  Lordships  to  the  law  of  adoption,  and  to  that 
provision  of  the  criminal  code  which  permitted  the 
accused  to  be  heard  by  his  next  of  kin. 

"  Prisoner  at  the  bar,"  said  the  Chief-Justice, 
"you  hear  the  statement  of  counsel.  Is  it  your 
desire  to  commit  the  management  of  your  defence 
to  your  next  of  kin  ?" 

"  To  anybody,  your  honors,  if  the  court  please," 
returned  Noah,'  furiously  masticating  his  beloved 
weed;  "to  anybody  who  will  do  it  wrell,  my  honor- 
ables,  and  do  it  cheap." 

"  And  do  you  adopt,  under  the  provisions  of  the 
statute  in  such  cases  made  and  provided,  Aaron 
Downright  as  one  of  your  next  of  kin,  and  if  so,  in 
what  capacity?" 

«  I  do — I  do — my  Lords  and  your  honors — I  do, 
body  and  soul — if  you  please,  I  adopt  the  Brigadier 
as  my  father;  and  my  fellow  human  being,  and  tried 
friend,  Sir  John  Goldencalf,  here,  I  adopt  him  as 
my  mother." 

The  court  now  formally  assenting,  the  facts  were 
entered  of  record,  and  my  brother  Downright  was 
requested  to  proceed  with  the  defence. 

The  counsel  for  the  prisoner,  like  Dandin,  in  Ra 
cine's  comedy  of  les  Plaideurs,  was  disposed  to  pass 


82  THE    MONIKINS. 

over  the  deluge,  and  to  plunge  instantly  into  the  core 
of  his  subject.  He  commenced  with  a  review  of  the 
royal  prerogatives,  and  with  a  definition  of  the  words 
"  to  reign."  Referring  to  the  dictionary  of  the  acade 
my,  he  showed  triumphantly,  that  to  reign,  was  no 
other  than  to  "govern  as  a  sovereign;"  while  to 
govern,  in  the  familiar  signification,  was  no  more 
than  to  govern  in  the  name  of  a  prince,  or  as  a  de 
puty.  Having  successfully  established  this  point,  he 
laid  down  the  position,  that  the  greater  might  con 
tain  the  less,  but  that  the  less  could  not  possibly 
contain  the  greater.  That  the  right  to  reign,  or  to 
govern,  in  the  generic  signification  of  the  term, 
must  include  all  the  lawful  attributes  of  him  who 
only  governed,  in  the  secondary  signification ;  and 
that,  consequently,  the  King  not  only  reigned,  but 
governed.  He  then  proceeded  to  show  that  a  mem 
ory  was  indispensable  to  him  who  governed,  since, 
without  one,  he  could  neither  recollect  the  laws, 
make  a  suitable  disposition  of  rewards  and  punish 
ments,  nor,  in  fact,  do  any  other  intelligent  or  ne 
cessary  act  Again,  it  was  contended  that  by  the 
law  of  the  land  the  King's  conscience  was  in  the 
keeping  of  his  first-cousin ;  now,  in  order  that  the 
King's  conscience  should  be  in  such  keeping,  it  was 
clear  that  he  must  have  a  conscience,  since  a  non 
entity  could  not  be  in  keeping,  or  even  put  in  com 
mission  ;  and,  having  a  conscience,  it  followed,  ex 
necessitate  rei,  that  he  must  have  the  attributes  of 
a  conscience,  of  which  memory  formed  one  of  the 
most  essential  features.  Conscience  was  defined  to 
be  "  the  faculty  by  which  we  judge  of  the  good 
ness  or  wickedness  of  our  own  actions."  [See 
Johnson's  Dictionary,  page  163.,  letter  C.  London 
edition.  Rivington,  publisher.]  Now,  in  what  man 
ner  can  one  judge  of  the  goodness  or  wickedness 
of  his  acts,  or  of  those  of  any  other  person,  if  he 


THE   MONIKINS.  83 

knows  nothing  about  them? — and  how  can  he  know 
anything  of  the  past,  unless  endowed  with  the 
faculty  of  a  memory  ? 

Again ;  it  was  a  political  corollary  from  the  in 
stitutions  of  Leaphigh,  that  the  King  could  do  no 
wrong 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  my  brother  Downright," 
interrupted  the  Chief  Justice,  "  it  is  not  a  corollary, 
but  a  proposition — and  one,  too,  that  is  held  to  be 
demonstrated.  It  is  the  paramount  law  of  the  land." 

"  I  thank  you,  my  Lord,"  continued  the  Briga 
dier,  "  as  your  Lordship's  high  authority  makes  my 
case  so  much  the  stronger.  It  is,  then,  settled  law, 
gentlemonikins  of  the  jury,  that  the  Sovereign  of 
this  realm  can  do  no  wrong.  It  is  also  settled  law, 
— their  Lordships  will  correct  me,  if  I  misstate, — 
it  is  also  settled  law,  that  the  Sovereign  is  the  foun 
tain  of  honor,  that  he  can  make  war  and  peace, 
that  he  administers  justice,  sees  the  laws  exe 
cuted " 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  again,  brother  Downright," 
interrupted  the  Chief  Justice.  "  This  is  not  the  law, 
but  the  prerogative.  It  is  the  King's  prerogative 
to  be  and  do  all  this,  but  it  is  very  far  from  being 
law." 

"Am  I  to  understand,  my  Lord,  that  the  court 
makes  a  distinction  between  that  which  is  preroga 
tive,  and  that  which  is  law  ?" 

"  Beyond  a  doubt,  brother  Downright !  If  all  that 
is  prerogative,  was  also  law,  we  could  not  get  on 
an  hour." 

"  Prerogative,  if  your  Lordship  pleases,  or  pre- 
rogativa,  is  defined  to  be  *  an  exclusive  or  peculiar 
privilege.'  [Johnson.  Letter  P.  page  139.,  fifth 
clause  from  bottom.  Edition  as  aforesaid. — Speak 
ing  slow,  in  order  to  enable  Baron  Longbeard  to 
make  his  notes.]  Now,  an  exclusive  privilege,  I 


84  THE    MONIKINS. 

humblv  urge,  must  supersede  all  enactments, 
and—" 

"  Not  at  all,  sir — not  at  all,  sir,"  put  in  my  Lord 
Chief  Justice,  dogmatically, — looking  out  of  the 
window  at  the  clouds,  in  a  way  to  show  that  his 
mind  was  quite  made  up.  "  Not  at  all,  good  sir. 
The  King  has  his  prerogatives,  beyond  a  question  ; 
and  they  are  sacred; — a  part  of  the  constitution. 
They  are,  moreover,  exclusive  and  peculiar,  as 
stated  by  Johnson ;  but  their  exclusion  and  pecu 
liarity  are  not  to  be  construed  in  the  vulgar  ac 
ceptations.  In  treating  of  the  vast  interests  of  a 
state,  the  mind  must  take  a  wide  range ;  and  I  hold, 
brother  Longbeard,  there  is  no  principle  more  set 
tled  than  the  fact,  that  prerogativa  is  one  thing,  and 
lex,  or  the  law,  another."  The  Baron  bowed  as 
sent.  "  By  exclusion,  in  this  case,  is  meant  that 
the  prerogative  touches  only  his  Majesty.  The 
prerogative  is  exclusively  his  property,  and  he 
may  do  what  he  pleases  with  it ;  but  the  law  is 
made  for  the  nation,  and  is  altogether  a  different 
matter.  Again  :  by  peculiar,  is  clearly  meant  pe 
culiarity,  or  that  this  case  is  analogous  to  no  other, 
and  must  be  reasoned  on  by  the  aid  of  a  peculiar 
logic.  No,  sir, — the  King  can  make  peace  and 
war,  it  is  true,  under  his  prerogative ;  but  then  his 
conscience  is  hard  and  fast  in  the  keeping  of  an 
other,  who  alone  can  perform  all  legal  acts." 

"  But,  my  Lord,  justice,  though  administered  by 
others,  is  still  administered  in  the  King's  name." 

"  No  doubt,  in  his  name  : — this  is  a  part  of  the 
peculiar  privilege.  War  is  made  in  his  Majesty's 
name,  too, — so  is  peace.  What  is  war  ?  It  is  the 
personal  conflicts  between  bodies  of  men  of  differ 
ent  nations.  Does  his  Majesty  engage  in  these  con 
flicts  ?  Certainly  not.  The  war  is  maintained  by 
taxes  : — does  his  Majesty  pay  them  ? — No.  Thus 


THE    MONIKINS.  85 

we  see  that  while  the  war  is  constitutionally  the 
King's,  it  is  practically  the  people's.  It  follows,  as 
a  corollary, — since  you  quote  corollaries,  brother 
Downright, — that  there  are  two  wars — or  the  war 
of  the  prerogative,  and  the  war  of  the  fact.  Now, 
the  prerogative  is  a  constitutional  principle — a  very 
sacred  one,  certainly ; — but  a  fact  is  a  thing  that 
comes  home  to  every  monikin's  fire-side;  and,  there 
fore,  the  courts  have  decided,  ever  since  the  reign 
of  Timid  II.,  or  ever  since  they  dared,  that  the  pre 
rogative  was  one  thing,  and  the  law  another." 

My  brother  Downright  seemed  a  good  deal  per 
plexed  by  the  distinctions  of  the  court,  and  he  con 
cluded  much  sooner  than  he  otherwise  would  have 
done  ;  summing  up  the  whole  of  his  arguments,  by 
showing,  or  attempting  to  show,  that  if  the  King 
had  even  these  peculiar  privileges,  and  nothing 
else,  that  he  must  be  supposed  to  have  a  memory. 

The  court  now  called  upon  the  Attorney-Gene 
ral  to  reply ;  but  that  person  appeared  to  think  his 
case  strong  enough  as  it  was ;  and  the  matter,  by 
agreement,  was  submitted  to  the  jury% after  a  short 
charge  from  the  bench. 

"  You  are  not  to  suffer  your  intellects  to  be  con 
fused,  gentlemonikins,  by  the  argument  of  the  pri 
soner's  counsel,"  concluded  the  Chief  Justice.  "  He 
has  done  his  duty,  and  it  remains  for  you  to  be 
equally  conscientious.  You  are,  in  this  case,  the 
judges  of  the  law  and  the  fact ;  but  it  is  a  part 
of  my  functions  to  inform  you  what  they  both  are. 
By  the  law,  the  King  is  supposed  to  have  no  facul 
ties.  The  inference  drawn  by  counsel,  that  not 
being  capable  of  erring,  the  King  must  have  the 
highest  possible  moral  attributes,  and  consequently 
a  memory,  is  unsound.  The  constitution  says  his 
Majesty  can  do  no  wrong.  This  inability  may  pro 
ceed  from  a  variety  of  causes.  If  he  can  do  nothing, 

VOL.  II.  8 


86  THE    MONIKINS. 

for  instance,  he  can  do  no  wrong.  The  constitution 
does  not  say  that  the  Sovereign  will  do  no  wrong — 
but,  that  he  can  do  no  wrong.  Now,  gentlemoni- 
kins,  when  a  thing  cannot  be  done,  it  becomes  im 
possible  ;  and  it  is,  of  course,  beyond  the  reach  of 
argument.  It  is  of  no  moment  whether  a  person 
has  a  memory,  if  he  cannot  use  it,  and,  in  such  a 
case,  the  legal  presumption  is,  that  he  is  without  a 
memory ;  for,  otherwise,  Nature,  who  is  ever  wise 
and  beneficent,  would  be  throwing  away  her  gifts. 

"  Gentlemonikins,  I  have  already  said  you  are 
the  judges,  in  this  case,  of  both  the  law  and  the 
fact.  The  fate  of  the  prisoner  is  in  your  hands. — 
God  forbid  that  it  should  be,  in  any  manner,  influ 
enced  by  me ;  but  this  is  an  offence  against  the 
King's  dignity,  and  the  security  of  the  realm ;  the 
law  is  against  the  prisoner,  the  facts  are  all 
against  the  prisoner,  and  I  do  not  doubt  that  your 
verdict  will  be  the  spontaneous  decision  of  your 
own  excellent  judgments,  and  of  such  a  nature  as 
will  prevent  the  necessity  of  our  ordering  a  new 
trial." 

The  jurors  put  their  tails  together,  and  in  less 
than  a  minute,  their  foremonikin  rendered  a  ver 
dict  of  guilty.  Noah  sighed,  and  took  a  fresh  sup 
ply  of  tobacco. 

The  case  of  the  Queen  was  immediately  opened 
by  her  Majesty's  Attorney-General;  the  prisoner 
having  been  previously  arraigned,  and  a  plea  en 
tered  of  not  guilty. 

The  Queen's  advocate  made  a  bitter  attack  on 
the  animus  of  the  unfortunate  prisoner.  He  de 
scribed  her  Majesty  as  a  paragon  of  excellencies  ; 
as  the  depository  of  all  the  monikina  virtues,  and 
the  model  of  her  sex.  "  If  she,  who  was  so  justly- 
celebrated  for  the  gifts  of  charity,  meekness,  reli 
gion,  justice,  and  submission  to  feminine  duties,  had 


THE    MONIKINS.  87 

no  memory,  he  asked  leave  to  demand,  in  the  name 
of  God,  who  had  ?  Without  a  memory,  in  what 
manner  was  this  illustrious  personage  to  recall  her 
duties  to  her  royal  consort,  her  duties  to  her  royal 
offspring,  her  duties  to  her  royal  self?  Memory 
was  peculiarly  a  royal  attribute ;  and  without  its  pos 
session  no  one  could  properly  be  deemed  of  high  and 
ancient  lineage.  Memory  referred  to  the  past,  and  the 
consideration  due  to  royalty  was  scarcely  ever  a 
present  consideration,  but  a  consideration  connected 
with  the  past.  We  venerated  the  past.  Time  was 
divided  into  the  past,  present  and  future.  The  past 
was  invariably  a  monarchical  interest — the  present 
was  claimed  by  republicans — the  future  belonged 
to  fate.  If  it  were  decided  that  the  Queen  had  no 
memory,  we  should  strike  a  blow  at  royalty.  It 
was  by  memory,  as  connected  with  the  public  ar 
chives,  that  the  King  derived  his  title  to  his  throne; 
it  was  to  memory,  which  recalled  the  deeds  of  his 
ancestors,  that  he  became  entitled  to  our  most  pro 
found  respect." 

In  this  manner  did  the  Queen's  Attorney-General 
speak  for  about  an  hour,  when  he  gave  way  to  the 
counsel  for  the  prisoner.  But,  to  my  great  surprise, 
for  I  knew  that  this  accusation  was  much  the 
.gravest  of  the  two,  since  the  head  of  Noah  would 
be  the  price  of  conviction,  my  brother  Downright, 
instead  of  making  a  very  ingenious  reply,  as  I  had 
fully  anticipated,  merely  said  a  few  words,  in  which 
he  expressed  so  firm  a  confidence  in  the  acquittal 
of  his  client,  as  to  appear  to  think  a  further  defence 
altogether  unnecessary.  He  had  no  sooner  seated 
himself,  than  I  expressed  a  strong  dissatisfaction 
with  this  course,  and  avowed  an  intention  to  make 
an  effort  in  behalf  of  my  poor  friend,  myself. 

"  Keep  silence,  Sir  John,"  whispered  my  brother 
Downright ;  "  the  advocate  who  makes  many  un- 


88  THE    MONIKINS. 

successful  applications  gets  to  be  disrespected.  I 
charge  myself  with  the  care  of  the  Lord  High  Ad 
miral's  interests ;  at  the  proper  time,  they  shall  be 
duly  attended  to." 

Having  the  profoundest  respect  for  the  Briga 
dier's  legal  attainments,  and  no  great  confidence 
in  my  own,  I  was  fain  to  submit.  In  the  mean  time, 
the  business  of  the  court  proceeded ;  and  the  jury, 
having  received  a  short  charge  from  the  bench, 
which  wras  quite  as  impartial  as  a  positive  injunc 
tion  to  convict  could  very  well  be,  again  rendered 
the  verdict  of  "  Guilty." 

In  Leaphigh,  although  it  is  deemed  indecent  to 
wear  clothes,  it  is  also  esteemed  exceedingly  deco 
rous  for  certain  high  functionaries  to  adorn  their 
persons  with  suitable  badges  of  their  official  rank. 
We  have  already  had  an  account  of  the  hierarchy 
of  tails,  and  a  general  description  of  the  mantle 
composed  of  tenth-hairs ;  but  I  had  forgotten  to  say 
that  both  my  Lord  Chief-Justice  and  Baron  Long- 
beard  had  tail-cases  made  of  the  skins  of  deceased 
monikins,  which  gave  the  appearance  of  greater 
development  to  their  intellectual  organs,  and  most 
probably  had  some  influence  in  the  way  of  coddling 
their  brains,  which  required  great  care  and  atten 
tion  on  account  of  incessant  use.  They  now  drew 
over  these  tail-cases  a  sort  of  box-coat  of  a  very 
bloodthirsty  color,  which,  we  were  given  to  under 
stand,  was  a  sign  that  they  were  in  earnest,  and 
about  to  pronounce  sentence ;  justice  in  Leaphigh 
being  of  singularly  bloodthirsty  habits. 

"  Prisoner  at  the  bar,"  the  Chief-Justice  began, 
in  a  voice  of  reproof,  "you  have  heard  the  decision 
of  your  peers.  You  have  been  arraigned  and  tried 
on  the  heinous  charge  of  having  accused  the  sove 
reign  of  this  realm  of  being  in  possession  of  the 
faculty  called  "  a  memory,"  thereby  endangering 


THE    MONIKINS.  89 

the  peace  of  society,  unsettling  the  social  relations, 
and  setting  a  dangerous  example  of  insubordination 
and  of  contempt  of  the  laws.  Of  this  crime,  after 
a  singularly  patient  and  impartial  hearing,  you 
have  been  found  guilty.  The  law  allows  the  court 
no  discretion  in  the  case.  It  is  my  duty  to  pass 
sentence  forthwith ;  and  I  now  solemnly  ask  you, 
if  you  have  anything  to  say  why  sentence  of  decau- 
disation  should  not  be  pronounced  against  you" — 
Here  the  Chief- Justice  took  just  time  enough  to 
gape,  and  then  proceeded — "  You  are  right  in 
throwing  yourself  altogether  on  the  mercy  of  the 
court,  which  better  knows  what  is  fittest  for  you, 
than  you  can  possibly  know  for  yourself.  You  will  be 
taken,  Noah  Poke,  or  No.  1,  sea-water-color,  forth 
with,  to  the  centre  of  the  public  square,  between  the 
hours  of  sunrise  and  sunset  of  this  day,  where  your 
cauda  will  be  cut  off;  and  after  it  has  been  divided 
into  four  parts,  a  part  will  be  exposed  towards  each 
of  the  cardinal  points  of  the  compass ;  and  the  brush 
thereof  being  consumed  by  fire,  the  ashes  will  be 
thrown  into  your  face,  and  this  without  benefit  of 
clergy.  And  may  the  Lord  have  mercy  on  your 
soul !" 

"Noah  Poke,  or  No.  1,  sea-water-color,"  put  in 
Baron  Longbeard,  without  giving  the  culprit  breath 
ing-time,  "  you  have  been  indicted,  tried,  and  found 
guilty  of  the  enormous  crime  of  charging  the 
Queen-consort  of  this  realm  of  being  wanting  in 
the  ordinary,  important,  and  every-day  faculty  of  a 
memory.  Have  you  anything  to  say  why  sentence 
should  not  be  forthwith  passed  against  you? — No — 
I  am  sure  you  are  very  right  in  throwing  yourself 
altogether  on  the  mercy  of  the  court,  which  is 
quite  disposed  to  show  you  all  that  is  in  its  power, 
which  happens,  in  this  case,  to  be  none  at  all.  I  need 
not  dwell  on  the  gravity  of  your  offence.  If  the 
8* 


90  THE   MONIKIN9. 

law  should  allow  that  the  Queen  has  no  memory, 
other  females  might  put  in  claims  to  the  same  pri 
vilege,  and  society  would  become  a  chaos.  Mar 
riage  vows,  duties,  affections,  and  all  our  nearest 
and  dearest  interests  would  be  unhinged,  and  this 
pleasant  state  of  being  would  degenerate  into  a 
moral,  or  rather  an  immoral,  pandemonium.  Keep 
ing  in  view  these  all-important  considerations,  and 
more  especially  the  imperativeness  of  the  law, 
which  does  not  admit  of  discretion,  the  court  sen 
tences  you  to  be  carried  hence,  without  delay,  to 
the  centre  of  the  great  square,  where  your  head 
will  be  severed  from  your  body  by  the  public  exe 
cutioner,  without  benefit  of  clergy;  after  which, 
your  remains  are  to  be  consigned  to  the  public  hos 
pitals  for  the  purposes  of  dissection." 

The  words  were  scarcely  out  of  Baron  Long- 
beard's  mouth,  before  both  the  Attorneys-General 
started  up,  to  move  the  court  in  behalf  of  the  sepa 
rate  dignities  of  their  respective  principals.  Mr. 
Attorney-General  of  the  crown  prayed  the  court  so 
far  to  amend  its  sentence,  as  to  give  precedency  to 
the  punishment  on  account  of  the  offence  against 
the  King ;  and  Mr.  Attorney-General  for  the  Queen, 
to  pray  the  court  it  would  not  be  so  far  forgetful 
of  her  Majesty's  rights  and  dignity,  as  to  establish 
a  precedent  so  destructive  of  both.  I  caught  a 
glimpse  of  hope  glancing  about  the  eyes  of  my  bro 
ther  Downright,  who,  waiting  just  long  enough  to 
let  the  two  advocates  warm  themselves  over  these 
points  of  law,  arose  and  moved  the  court  for  a  sta^ 
of  execution,  on  the  plea  that  neither  sentence  was 
legal;  that  delivered  by  my  Lord  Chief-Justice 
containing  a  contradiction,  inasmuch  as  it  ordered 
the  decaudisation  to  take  place  between  the  hours 
of  sunrise  and  sunset,  and  also  forthwith :  and  that 
delivered  by  Baron  Longbeard*,  on  account  of  its 


THE   MONIKINS.  91 

ordering  the  body  to  be  given  up  to  dissection,  con 
trary  to  the  law,  which  merely  made  that  provision 
in  the  case  of  condemned  monikins,  the  prisoner  at 
the  bar  being  entirely  of  another  species. 

The  court  deemed  all  these  objections  serious, 
but  decided  on  its  own  incompetency  to  take  cog 
nizance  of  them.  It  was  a  question  for  the  twelve 
Judges,  who  were  now  on  the  point  of  assembling, 
and  to  whom  they  referred  the  whole  affair  on 
appeal.  In  the  mean  time,  justice  could  not  be 
stayed.  The  prisoner  must  be  carried  out  into  the 
square,  and  matters  must  proceed;  but,  should  either 
of  the  points  be  finally  determined  in  his  favor,  he 
could  have  the  benefit  of  it,  so  far  as  circumstances 
would  then  allow.  Hereupon,  the  court  rose,  and 
the  judges,  counsel  and  clerks,  repaired  in  a  body 
to  the  hall  of  the  twelve  Judges. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

Better  and  better — More  law  and  more  justice — Tails  and 
heads ;  the  importance  of  keeping  each  in  its  proper 
place. 

NOAH  was  incontinently  transferred  to  the  place 
of  execution,  where  I  promised  to  meet  him  in  time 
to  receive  his  parting  sigh,  curiosity  inducing  me 
first  to  learn  the  issue  on  the  appeal.  The  Briga 
dier  told  me  in  confidence,  as  we  went  to  the  other 
hall,  that  the  affair  was  now  getting  to  be  one  of 
great  interest ;  that  hitherto  it  had  been  mere  boys' 
play,  but  it  would  in  future  require  counsel  of  great 
reading  and  research  to  handle  the  arguments,  and 
that  he  flattered  himself  there  was  a  good  occasion 


92  THE   MONIKINS. 

likely  to  present  itself,  for  him  to  show  what 
monikin  reason  really  was. 

The  whole  of  the  twelve  wore  tail-cases,  and 
altogether  they  presented  a  formidable  array  of 
intellectual  development.  As  the  cause  of  Noah 
was  admitted  to  be  one  of  more  than  common  ur 
gency,  after  hearing  only  three  or  four  other  short 
applications  on  behalf  of  the  crown,  whose  rights 
always  have  precedence  on  such  occasions,  the 
Attorney-General  of  the  King  was  desired  to  open 
his  case. 

The  learned  counsel  spoke,  in  anticipation,  to  the 
objections  of  both  his  adversaries,  beginning  with 
those  of  my  brother  Downright.  Forthwith,  he  con 
tended,  might  be  at  any  period  of  the  twenty-four 
hours,  according  to  the  actual  time  of  using  the 
term.  Thus,  forthwith  of  a  morning,  would  mean 
in  the  morning ;  forthwith  at  noon,  would  mean  at 
noon ;  and  so  on  to  the  close  of  the  legal  day.  More 
over,  in  a  legal  signification,  forthwith  must  mean 
between  sunrise  and  sunset,  the  statute  commanding 
that  all  executions  shall  take  place  by  the  light  of 
the  sun,  and  consequently  the  two  terms  ratified 
and  confirmed  each  other,  instead  of  conveying  a 
contradiction,  or  of  neutralizing  each  other,  as  would 
most  probably  be  contended  by  the  opposite  counsel. 

To  all  this  my  brother  Downright,  as  is  usual  on 
such  occasions,  objected  pretty  much  the  converse. 
He  maintained  that  all  light  proceeded  from  the 
sun;  and  that  the  statute,  therefore,  could  only 
mean  that  there  should  be  no  executions  during 
eclipses,  a  period  when  the  whole  monikin  race 
ought  to  be  occupied  in  adoration.  Forthwith,  more 
over,  did  not  necessarily  mean  forthwith,  for  forth 
with  meant  immediately;  and  "between  sunrise 
and  sunset"  meant  between  sunrise  and  sunset; 
which  might  be  immediately,  or  might  not. 

On  this  point  the  twelve  Judges  decided,  firstly, 


THE  MONIKINS.  93 

that  forthwith  did  not  mean  forthwith ;  secondly, 
that  forthwith  did  mean  forthwith;  thirdly,  that  forth 
with  had  two  legal  meanings ;  fourthly,  that  it  was 
illegal  to  apply  one  of  these  legal  meanings  to  a 
wrong  legal  purpose ;  and,  fifthly,  that  the  objection 
was  of  no  avail,  as  respected  the  case  of  No.  1,  sea- 
water-color.  Ordered,  therefore,  that  the  criminal 
lose  his  tail  forthwith. 

The  objection  to  the  other  sentence  met  with 
no  better  fate.  Men  and  monikins  did  not  differ 
more  than  some  men  differed  from  other  men,  or 
some  monikins  differed  from  other  monikins.  Or 
dered,  that  the  sentence  be  confirmed  with  costs. 
I  thought  this  decision  the  soundest  of  the  two ;  for 
I  had  often  had  occasion  to  observe,  that  there 
were  very  startling  points  of  resemblance  between 
monkeys  and  our  own  species. 

The  contest  now  commenced  between  the  two 
Attorneys-General  in  earnest ;  and,  as  the  point  at 
issue  was  a  question  of  mere  rank,  it  excited  a 
lively — I  may  say  an  engrossing — interest  in  all  the 
hearers.  It  was  settled,  however,  after  a  vigorous 
discussion,  in  favor  of  the  King,  whose  royal  dig 
nity  the  twelve  Judges  were  unanimously  of  opinion 
was  entitled  to  precedency  over  that  of  the  Queen. 
To  my  great  surprise,  my  brother  Downright  volun 
teered  an  argument  on  this  intricate  point,  making 
an  exceedingly  clever  speech  in  favor  of  the  King's 
dignity,  as  was  admitted  by  every  one  who  heard 
it.  It  rested  chiefly  on  the  point  that  the  ashes  of 
the  tail  were,  by  the  sentence,  to  be  thrown  into 
the  culprit's  face.  It  is  true  this  might  be  done 
physically  after  decapitation,  but  it  could  not  be 
done  morally.  This  part  of  the  punishment  was 
designed  for  a  moral  effect;  and  to  produce  that  ef 
fect,  consciousness  and  shame  were  both  necessary. 
Therefore,  the  moral  act  of  throwing  the  ashes  into 


94  THE    MONIKINS. 

the  face  of  the  criminal  could  only  be  done  while 
he  was  living,  and  capable  of  being  ashamed. 

Meditation,  Chief-Justice,  delivered  the  opinion 
of  the  bench.  It  contained  the  usual  amount  of 
legal  ingenuity  and  logic,  was  esteemed  as  very 
eloquent  in  that  part  which  touched  on  the  sacred 
and  inviolable  character  of  the  royal  prerogatives, 
(prerogatives,  as  he  termed  them,)  and  was  so 
lucid  in  pointing  out  the  general  inferiority  of  the 
Queen-consort,  that  I  felt  happy  her  Majesty  was 
not  present  to  hear  herself  and  sex  undervalued. 
As  might  have  been  expected,  it  allowed  great 
weight  to  the  distinction  taken  by  the  Brigadier. 
The  decision  was  in  the  following  words,  viz. — 
"  Rex  et  Regina versus  No.  1,  sea-water-color:  Or 
dered,  that  the  officers  of  justice  shall  proceed  forth 
with  to  decaudisate  the  defendant  before  they  de 
capitate  him ;  provided  he  has  not  been  forthwith 
decapitated  before  he  can  be  decaudisated." 

The  moment  this  mandamus  wras  put  into  the 
hands  of  the  proper  officer,  Brigadier  Downright 
caught  me  by  the  knee,  and  led  me  out  of  the  hall 
of  justice,  as  if  both  our  lives  depended  on  our  ex 
pedition.  I  was  about  to  reproach  him  for  having 
volunteered  to  aid  the  King's  Attorney-General, 
when,  seizing  me  by  the  root  of  the  tail,  for  the 
want  of  a  button-hole,  he  said,  with  evident  satis 
faction, — 

"  Affairs  go  on  swimmingly,  my  dear  Sir  John ! 
I  do  not  remember  to  have  been  employed,  for  some 
years,  in  a  more  interesting  litigation.  Now  this 
cause,  which,  no  doubt,  you  think  is  drawing  to  a 
close,  has  just  reached  its  pivot,  or  turning  point ; 
and  I  see  every  prospect  of  extricating  our  client 
with  great  credit  to  myself." 

"  How !  my  brother  Downright !"  I  interrupted ; 
"  the  accused  is  finally  sentenced,  if  not  actually 
executed !" 


THE    MONIKINS.  95 

"  Not  so  fast,  my  good  Sir  John — not  so  fast,  by 
any  means.  Nothing  is  final  in  law,  while  there  is 
a  farthing  to  meet  the  costs,  or  the  criminal  can 
yet  gasp.  I  hold  our  case  to  be  in  an  excellent 
way ;  much  better  than  I  have  deemed  it  at  any 
time  since  the  accused  was  arraigned." 

Surprise  left  me  no  other  power  than  that  which 
was  necessary  to  demand  an  explanation. 

"  All  depends  on  the  single  fact,  dear  sir,"  conti 
nued  my  brother  Downright,  "  whether  the  head  is 
still  on  the  body  of  the  accused  or  not.  Do  you 
proceed,  as  fast  as  possible,  to  the  place  of  execu 
tion  ;  and,  should  our  client  still  have  a  head,  keep 
up  his  spirits  by  a  proper  religious  discourse,  always 
preparing  him  for  the  worst,  for  this  is  no  more 
than  wisdom ;  but,  the  instant  his  tail  is  separated 
from  his  body,  run  hither  as  fast  as  you  can,  to  ap 
prize  me  of  the  fact.  I  ask  but  two  things  of  you — 
speed  in  coming  with  the  news,  and  perfect  cer 
tainty  that  the  tail  is  not  yet  attached  to  the  rest  of 
the  frame,  by  even  a  hair. — A  hair  often  turns  the 
scales  of  justice !" 

"  The  case  seems  desperate — would  it  not  be  as 
well  for  me  to  run  down  to  the  palace,  at  once ; 
demand  an  audience  of  their  Majesties,  throw  my 
self  on  my  knees  before  the  royal  pair,  and  implore 
a  pardon  ?" 

"  Your  project  is  impracticable,  for  three  sufficient 
reasons :  firstly,  there  is  not  time ;  secondly,  you 
would  not  be  admitted  without  a  special  appoint 
ment  ;  thirdly,  there  is  neither  a  King  nor  a  Queen." 

"  No  King  in  Leaphigh !" 

"  I  have  said  it." 

"  Explain  yourself,  brother  Downright,  or  I  shall 
be  obliged  to  refute  what  you  say,  by  the  evidence 
of  my  own  senses." 

"Your  senses  will  prove  to  be  false  witnesses 
then.  Formerly  there  was  a  King  in  Leaphigh; 


9<5  THE    MONIKINS. 

and  one  who  governed,  as  well  as  reigned.  But 
the  nobles  and  grandees  of  the  country,  deeming 
it  indecent  to  trouble  His  Majesty  with  affairs  of 
state  any  longer,  took  upon  themselves  all  the  trou 
ble  of  governing,  leaving  to  the  sovereign  the  sole 
duty  of  reigning.  This  was  done  in  a  way  to  save 
his  feelings,  under  the  pretence  of  setting  up  a  bar 
rier  to  the  physical  force  and  abuses  of  the  mass. 
After  a  time,  it  was  found  inconvenient  and  expen 
sive  to  feed  and  otherwise  support  the  royal  family, 
and  all  its  members  were  privately  shipped  to  a 
distant  region,  which  had  not  yet  got  to  be  so  far 
advanced  in  civilization,  as  to  know  how  to  keep 
up  a  monarchy  without  a  monarch." 

"And  does  Leaphigh  succeed  in  effecting  this 
prodigy  ?" 

"  Wonderfully  well.  By  means  of  decapitations 
and  decaudisations  enough,  even  greater  exploits 
may  be  performed." 

"But  am  I  to  understand  literally, brother  Down 
right,  there  is  no  such  thing  as  a  monarch  in  this 
country  1" 

"Literally." 

"  And  the  presentations  ?" 

"  Are  like  these  trials,  to  maintain  the  monarchy." 

"  And  the  crimson  curtains  1 — " 

"  Conceal  empty  seats." 

"  Why  not,  then,  dispense  with  so  much  costly 
representation  ?" 

"  In  what  way  could  the  grandees  cry  out  that 
the  throne  is  in  danger,  if  there  were  no  throne? 
It  is  one  thing  to  have  no  monarch,  and  another  to 
have  no  throne.  But  all  this  time  our  client  is  in 
great  jeopardy.  Hasten,  therefore,  and  be  particu 
lar  to  act  as  f  have  just  instructed  you." 

I  stopped  to  hear  no  more,  but  in  a  minute  was 
flying  towards  the  centre  of  the  square.  It  was  easy 
enough  to  perceive  the  tail  of  my  friend  waving 


THB    MONIKINS.  97 

over  the  crowd;  but  grief  and  apprehension  had 
already  rendered  his  countenance  so  rueful,  that,  at 
the  first  glance,  I  did  not  recognize  his  head.  He 
was,  however,  still  in  the  body;  for,  luckily  for 
himself,  and  more  especially  for  the  success  of  his 
principal  counsel,  the  gravity  of  his  crimes  had 
rendered  unusual  preparations  necessary  for  the 
execution.  As  the  mandate  of  the  court  had  not 
yet  arrived — justice  being  as  prompt  in  Leaphigh 
as  her  ministers  are  dilatory — two  blocks  were 
prepared,  and  the  culprit  was  about  to  get  down  on 
his  hands  and  knees  between  them,  just  as  I  forced 
my  way  through  the  crowd  to  his  side. 

*"  Ah !  Sir  John,  this  is  an  awful  predicament !" 
exclaimed  the  rebuked  Noah ;  "  a  ra'ally  awful 
situation  for  a  human  Christian  to  have  his  ene 
mies  lying  athwart  both  bows  and  starn  !" 

"While  there  is  life  there  is  hope;  but  it  is  always 
best  to  be  prepared  for  the  worst — he  who  is  thus 
prepared  never  can  meet  with  a  disagreeable  sur 
prise.  Messrs.  Executioners," — for  there  were  two, 
that  of  the  King  and  that  of  the  Queen,  or  one  at 
each  end  of  the  unhappy  criminal — "  Messrs.  Exe 
cutioners,  I  pray  you  to  give  the  culprit  a  moment 
to  arrange  his  thoughts,  and  to  communicate  his  last 
requests  in  behalf  of  his  distant  family  and  friends !" 

To  this  reasonable  petition  neither  of  the  high 
functionaries  of  the  law  made  any  objection,  al 
though  both  insisted  if  they  did  not  forthwith  bring 
the  culprit  to  the  last  stages  of  preparation,  they 
might  lose  their  places.  They  did  not  see,  however, 
but  a  man  might  pause  for  a  moment  on  the  brink 
of  the  grave.  It  would  seem  that  there  had  been 
a  little  misunderstanding  between  the  executioners 
themselves  on  the  point  of  precedency,  which  had 
been  one  cause  of  the  delay,  and  which  had  been 
disposed  of  by  an  arrangement  that  both  should 

VOL.  II.  9 


98  THE    MON1KIXS. 

operate  at  the  same  instant.  Noah  was  now  brought 
down  to  his  hands  and  knees,  "  moored  head  and 
starn,"  as  that  unfeeling  blackguard  Bob,  who  was 
in  the  crowd,  expressed  it,  between  the  two  blocks, 
his  neck  lying  on  one  and  his  tail  on  the  other. 
While  in  this  edifying  attitude,  I  was  permitted  to 
address  him. 

"  It  may  be  well  to  bethink  you  of  your  soul,  my 
dear  Captain,"  I  said ;  "  for,  to  speak  truth,  these 
axes  have  a  very  prompt  and  sanguinary  appear 
ance." 

"  I  know  it,  Sir  John,  I  know  it;  and,  not  to  mis 
lead  you,  I  will  own  that  I  have  been  repenting 
with  all  my  might,  ever  since  that  first  vardict. 
That  affair  of  the  Lord  High  Admiral,  in  particu 
lar,  has  given  me  a  good  deal  of  consarn ;  and  I 
now  humbly  ask  your  pardon  for  being  led  away 
by  such  a  miserable  deception,  which  is  all  owing 
to  that  riptyle  Dr.  Reasono,  who  I  hope  will  yet 
meet  with  his  desarts.  I  forgive  everybody,  and 
hope  everybody  will  forgive  me!  As  for  Miss 
Poke,  it  will  be  a  hard  case ;  for  she  is  altogether 
past  expecting  another  consort,  and  she  must  be 
satisfied  to  be  a  relic  the  rest  of  her  days." 

"  Repentance,  repentance,  my  dear  Noah — re 
pentance  is  the  one  thing  needful,  for  a  man  in  your 
extremity." 

"  I  do — I  do,  Sir  John,  body  and  soul — I  repent, 
from  the  bottom  of  my  heart,  ever  having  come  on 
this  v'y'ge, — nay,  I  do  n't  know  but  I  repent  ever 
having  come  outside  of  Montauk  Point.  I  might, 
at  this  moment,  have  been  a  schoolmaster  or  a 
tavern-keeper  in  Stunin'tun;  and  they  are  both 
good  wholesome  births,  particularly  the  last.  Lord 
love  you !  Sir  John,  if  repentance  would  do  any 
good,  I  should  be  pardoned  on  the  spot" 

Here  Noah  caught  a  glimpse  of  Bob  grinning  in 
the  crowd,  and  he  asked  of  the  executioners,  as  a 


THE    MONIKINS.  99 

last  favor,  that  they  would  have  the  boy  brought 
near,  that  he  might  take  an  affectionate  leave  of 
him.  This  reasonable  request  was  complied  with, 
in  despite  of  poor  Bob's  struggles ;  and  the  young 
ster  had  quite  as  good  reasons  for  hearty  repent 
ance  as  the  culprit  himself.  Just  at  this  trying 
moment,  the  mandate  for  the  order  of  the  punish 
ments  arrived,  and  the  officials  seriously  declared 
that  the  condemned  must  prepare  to  meet  his  fate. 

The  unflinching  manner  in  which  Captain  Poke 
submitted  to  the  mortal  process  of  decaudisation, 
extracted  plaudits  from,  and  awakened  sympathy 
in,  every  monikin  present.  Having  satisfied  myself 
that  the  tail  was  actually  separated  from  the  body, 
I  ran,  as  fast  as  legs  could  carry  me,  towards  the 
hall  of  the  twelve  Judges.  My  brother  Downright, 
who  was  impatiently  expecting  my  appearance, 
instantly  arose  and  moved  the  bench  to  issue  a 
mandamus  for  a  stay  of  execution,  in  the  case  of — 
"Regina  versus  Noah  Poke,  or  No.  1,  sea- water- 
color.  By  the  statute  of  the  2d  of  Longevity  and 
Flirtilla,  it  was  enacted,  my  Lords,"  put  in  the  Briga 
dier,  "  that  in  no  case  shall  a  convicted  felon  suffer 
loss  of  life,  or  limb,  while  it  can  be  established  that 
he  is  non  compos  mentis.  This  is  also  a  rule,  my 
Lords,  of  common  law — but  being  common  sense 
and  common  monikinity,  it  has  been  thought  pru 
dent  to  enforce  it  by  an  especial  enactment.  I  pre 
sume  Mr.  Attorney-General  for  the  Queen  will 
scarcely  dispute  the  law  of  the  case " 

"Not  at  all,  my  Lords — though  I  have  some 
doubts  as  to  the  fact.  The  fact  remains  to  be  es 
tablished,"  answered  the  other,  taking  snuff. 

"  The  fact  is  certain,  and  will  not  admit  of  cavil. 
In  the  case  of  Rex  versus  Noah  Poke,  the  court 
ordered  the  punishment  of  decaudisation  to  take  pre 
cedence  of  that  of  decapitation,  in  the  case  of  Regina 
versus  the  same.  Process  had  been  issued  from  the 


100  THE    MONIKINS. 

bench  to  that  effect;  the  culprit  has,  in  consequence, 
lost  his  cauda,  and  with  it  his  reason;  a  creature 
without  reason  has  always  been  held  to  be  nan 
compos  mentis,  and  by  the  law  of  the  land  is  not 
liable  to  the  punishments  of  life  or  limb." 

"  Your  law  is  plausible,  my  brother  Downright," 
observed  my  Lord  Chief  Justice,  "  but  it  remains 
for  the  bench  to  be  put  in  possession  of  the  facts. 
At  the  next  term,  you  will  perhaps  be  better  pre 
pared " 

"  I  pray  you,  my  Lord,  to  remember  that  this  is 
a  case  whicn  will  not  admit  of  three  months'  delay." 

"  We  can  decide  the  principle  a  year  hence,  as 
well  as  to-day;  and  we  have  now  sat  longer  in 
banco"  looking  at  his  watch,  "  than  is  either  usual, 
agreeable,  or  expedient." 

"  But,  my  Lords,  the  proof  is  at  hand.  Here  is 
a  witness  to  establish  that  the  cauda  of  Noah  Poke, 
the  defendant  of  record,  has  actually  been  sepa 
rated  from  his  body " 

"  Nay- — nay — my  brother  Downright,  a  barrister 
of  your  experience  must  know  that  the  twelve  can 
only  take  evidence  on  affidavit.  If  you  had  an 
affidavit  prepared,  we  might  possibly  find  time  to 
hear  it,  before  we  adjourn, — as  it  is,  the  affair  must 
lie  over  to  another  sitting." 

I  was  now  in  a  cold  sweat,  for  I  could  distinctly 
scent  the  peculiar  odor  of  the  burning  tail;  the 
ashes  of  which  being  fairly  thrown  into  Noah's  face, 
there  remained  no  further  obstacle  to  the  process  of 
decapitation, — the  sentence,  it  will  be  remembered, 
having  kept  his  countenance  on  his  shoulders, 
expressly  for  that  object.  My  brother  Downright, 
however,  was  not  a  lawyer  to  be  defeated  by  so 
simple  a  stumbling-block. — Seizing  a  paper  that  was 
already  written  over  in  a  good  legal  hand,  which 
happened  to  be  lying  before  him,  he  read  it,  with 
out  pause  or  hesitation,  in  the  following  manner : — 


THE    MONIKINS.  ~  101 

"Regina  versus  Noah  Poke. 
Kingdom  of  Leaphigh,  Season  of  Nuts,  ) 

this  fourth  day  of  the  Moon.  £    Personally  ap 

peared  before  me,  Meditation,  Lord  Chief  Justice 
of  the  Court  of  King's  Bench,  John  Goldencalf, 
Baronet,  of  the  Kingdom  of  Great  Britain,  who, 
being  duly  sworn,  doth  depose  and  say,  viz.,  That 
he,  the  said  deponent,  was  present  at,  and  did  wit 
ness  the  decaudisation  of  the  defendant  in  this  suit, 
and  that  the  tail  of  the  said  Noah  Poke,  or  No.  1, 
sea-water-color,  hath  been  truly  and  physically  se 
parated  from  his  body. — And  further  this  deponent 
sayeth  not.  Signature,  &c." 

Having  read,  in  the  most  fluent  manner,  the  fore 
going  affidavit,  (which  existed  only  in  his  own  brain,) 
my  brother  Downright  desired  the  court  to  take  my 
deposition  to  its  truth. 

"  John  Goldencalf,  Baronet,"  said  the  Chief  Jus 
tice,  "  you  have  heard  what  has  just  been  read ;  do 
you  swear  to  its  truth  ?" 

"  I  do." 

Here,  the  affidavit  was  signed  by  both  my  Lord 
Chief  Justice  and  myself,  and  it  was  duly  put  on 
file.  I  afterwards  learned  that  the  paper  used  by 
my  brother  Downright  on  this  memorable  occasion, 
was  no  other  than  the  notes  which  the  Chief  Jus 
tice  himself  had  taken  on  one  of  the  arguments  in 
the  case  in  question,  and,  that  seeing  the  names  and 
title  of  the  cause,  besides  finding  it  no  easy  matter 
to  read  his  own  writing,  that  high  officer  of  the 
crown  had,  very  naturally,  supposed  that  all  was 
right.  As  to  the  rest  of  the  bench,  they  were  in 
too  great  a  hurry  to  go  to  dinner,  to  stop  and  read 
affidavits,  and  the  case  was  instantly  disposed  of, 
by  the  following  decision. 

"  Regina  versus  Noah  Poke,  &c.  Ordered,  That 
the  culprit  be  considered  non  compos  mentis,  and 
9* 


102  THE   MON1K1N6. 

that  he  be  discharged,  on  finding  security  to  keep 
the  peace  for  the  remainder  of  his  natural  life." 

An  officer  was  instantly  dispatched  to  the  great 
square  with  this  reprieve,  and  the  court  rose.  I 
delayed  a  little  in  order  to  enter  into  the  necessary 
recognizances  in  behalf  of  Noah,  taking  up,  at  the 
same  time,  the  bonds  given  the  previous  night,  for 
his  appearance  to  answer  to  the  indictments.  These 
forms  being  duly  complied  with,  my  brother  Down 
right  and  myself  repaired  to  the  place  of  execution, 
in  order  to  congratulate  our  client, — the  former 
justly  elated  with  his  success,  which  he  assured  me 
was  not  a  little  to  the  credit  of  his  own  education. 

We  found  Noah  surprisingly  relieved  by  his  libe 
ration  from  the  hands  of  the  Philistines ;  nor  was 
he  at  all  backward  in  expressing  his  satisfaction  at 
the  unexpected  turn  things  had  taken.  According 
to  his  account  of  the  matter,  he  did  not  set  a  higher 
value  on  his  head  than  another ;  still,  it  was  con 
venient  to  have  one ;  had  it  been  necessary  to 
part  with  it,  he  made  no  doubt  he  should  have 
submitted  to  do  so  like  a  man,  referring  to  the  forti 
tude  with  which  he  had  borne  the  amputation  of 
his  cauda,  as  a  proof  of  his  resolution  ;  for  his  part, 
he  should  take  very  good  care  how  he  accused  any 
one  with  having  a  memory,  or  any  thing  else,  again, 
and  he  now  saw  the  excellence  of  those  wise  pro 
visions  of  the  laws,  which  cut  up  a  criminal  in 
order  to  prevent  the  repetition  of  his  offences ;  he 
did  not  intend  to  stay  much  longer  on  shore,  believ 
ing  he  should  be  less  in  the  way  of  temptation  on 
board  the  Walrus  than  among  the  monikins ;  and, 
as  for  his  own  people,  he  was  sure  of  soon  catch 
ing  them  on  board  again,  for  they  had  now  been 
off  their  pork  twenty-four  hours,  and  nuts  were 
but  poor  grub  for  fore-mast  hands,  after  all ;  phi 
losophers  might  say  what  they  pleased  about  go 
vernments,  but,  in  his  opinion,  the  only  ra'al  tyrant 


THE    MONIKINS.  103 

on  'arth  was  the  belly;  he  did  not  remember  ever 
to  have  had  a  struggle  with  his  belly — and  he  had 
a  thousand — that  the  belly  did  n't  get  the  better ; 
that  it  would  be  awkward  to  lay  down  the  title  of 
Lord  High  Admiral,  but  it  was  easier  to  lay  down 
that  than  to  lay  down  his  head  ;  that  as  for  a  cauda, 
though  it  was  certainly  agreeable  to  be  in  the  fash 
ion,  he  could  do  very  well  without  one,  and  when 
he  got  back  to  Stunnin'tun,  should  the  worst  come 
to  the  worst,  there  was  a  certain  saddler  in  the 
place,  who  could  give  him  as  good  a  fit  as  the  one 
he  had  lost ;  that  Miss  Poke  would  have  been  great 
ly  scandalized,  however,  had  he  come  home  after 
decapitation ;  that  it  might  be  well  to  sail  for  Leap- 
low,  as  soon  as  convenient,  for  in  that  country  he 
understood  bobs  were  in  fashion,  and  he  admitted 
that  he  should  not  like  to  cruise  about  Leaphigh, 
for  any  great  length  of  time,  unless  he  could  look 
as  other  people  look  ;  for  his  part,  he  bore  no  one 
a  grudge,  and  he  freely  forgave  everybody  but  Bob, 
out  of  whom,  the  Lord  willing,  he  proposed  to  have 
full  satisfaction,  before  the  ship  should  be  twenty- 
four  hours  at  sea,  &c.  &c.  &c. 

Such  was  the  general  tendency  of  the  remarks 
of  Captain  Poke,  as  we  proceeded  towards  the  port, 
where  he  embarked  and  went  on  board  the  Walrus, 
with  some  eagerness,  having  learned  that  our  rear- 
admirals  and  post-captains  had,  indeed,  yielded  to  the 
calls  of  nature,  and  had  all  gone  to  their  duty,  swear 
ing  they  would  rather  be  fore-mast  Jacks  in  a  well- 
victualled  ship,  than  the  King  of  Leaphigh  upon  nuts. 

The  Captain  had  no  sooner  entered  the  boat, 
taking  his  head  with  him,  than  I  began  to  make  my 
acknowledgments  to  my  brother  Downright,  for  the 
able  manner  in  which  he  had  defended  my  fellow 
human  being ;  paying,  at  the  same  time,  some  well- 
merited  compliments  to  the  ingenious  and  truly  phi- 


104  THE    MONIKINS. 

losophical  distinctions  of  the  Leaphigh  system  of 
jurisprudence. 

"  Spare  your  thanks  and  your  commendations,  I 
beg  of  you,  good  Sir  John,"  returned  the  Brigadier, 
as  we  walked  back  towards  my  lodgings.  "  We 
did  as  well  as  circumstances  would  allow ;  though 
our  whole  defence  would  have  been  upset,  had  not 
the  Chief  Justice  very  luckily  been  unable  to  read 
his  own  handwriting.  As  for  the  principles  and 
forms  of  the  monikin  law, — for  in  these  particulars 
Leaplow  is  very  much  like  Leaphigh, — as  you  have 
seen  them  displayed  in  these  two  suits,  why,  they 
are  such  as  we  have.  I  do  not  pretend  that  they 
are  faultless ;  on  the  contrary,  I  could  point  out 
improvements  myself — but  we  get  on  with  them  as 
well  as  we  can :  no  doubt,  among  men,  you  have 
codes  that  will  better  bear  examination." 


CHAPTER  VII. 

A  neophyte  in  diplomacy — diplomatic  introduction — a  calcu 
lation — a  shipment  of  Opinions — how  to  choose  an  invoice, 
with  an  assortment. 

I  NOW  began  seriously  to  think  of  sailing  for  Leap- 
low;  for  I  confess  I  was  heartily  tired  of  being 
thought  the  governor  of  his  Royal  Highness  Prince 
Bob,  and  pined  to  be  restored  once  more  to  my  pro 
per  place  in  society.  I  was  the  more  incited  to  make 
the  change,  by  the  representations  of  the  Brigadier, 
who  assured  me  that  it  was  sufficient  to  come 
from  foreign  parts,  to  be  esteemed  a  nobleman 
in  Leaplow,  and  that  I  need  not  apprehend  in  his 
country,  any  of  the  ill-treatment  I  had  received  in 
the  one  in  which  I  now  was.  After  talking  over  the 
matter,  therefore,  in  a  familiar  way,  we  determined 
to  repair  at  once  to  the  Leaplow  legation,  in  order 


THE    MON1KINS.  105 

to  ask  for  our  passports,  and  to  offer,  at  the  same 
time,  to  carry  any  dispatches  that  Judge  People's 
Friend  might  have  prepared  for  his  government, — 
it  being  the  custom  of  the  Leaplowers  to  trust  to 
these  God-sends  in  carrying  on  their  diplomatic 
correspondence. 

We  found  the  Judge  in  undress,  and  a  very  dif 
ferent  figure  he  cut,  certainly,  from  that  which  he 
made  when  I  saw  him  the  previous  night  at  court. 
Then  he  was  all  queue  ;  now,  he  was  all  bob.  He 
seemed  glad  to  see  us,  however,  and  quite  delight 
ed  when  I  told  him  of  the  intention  to  sail  for 
Leaplow,  as  soon  as  the  wind  served.  He  instantly 
asked  a  passage  for  himself,  with  republican  sim 
plicity. 

There  was  to  be  another  turn  of  the  great  and 
little  wheels,  he  said,  and  it  was  quite  important  to 
himself  to  be  on  the  spot;  for,  although  every  thing 
was,  beyond  all  question,  managed  with  perfect 
republican  propriety,  yet,  somehow,  and  yet  he  did 
not  know  exactly  how,  but  somehow,  those  who  are 
on  the  spot  always  get  the  best  prizes.  If  I  could 
give  him  a  passage,  therefore,  he  would  esteem  it 
a  great  personal  favor;  and  I  might  depend  on 
it,  the  circumstance  would  be  well  received  by  the 
party.  Although  I  did  not  very  well  understand 
what  he  meant  by  this  party,  which  was  to  view  the 
act  so  kindly,  I  very  cheerfully  told  the  Judge  that  the 
apartments  lately  occupied  by  my  Lord  Chatterino 
and  his  friends  were  perfectly  at  his  disposal.  I 
was  then  asked  when  I  intended  to  sail ;  and  the 
answer  was,  the  instant  the  wind  hauled,  so  we 
could  lay  out  of  the  harbour.  It  might  be  within 
half  an  hour.  Hereupon  Judge  People's  Friend 
begged  I  would  have  the  goodness  to  wait  until  he 
could  hunt  up  a  charg£  d'affaires.  His  instructions 
were  most  peremptory  never  to  leave  the  legation 
without  a  charge*  d'affaires;  but  he  would  just  brush 


106  THE   MONIKINS. 

his  bob,  and  run  into  the  street,  and  look  up  one  in 
five  minutes,  if  I  would  promise  to  wait  so  long.  It 
would  have  been  unkind  to  refuse  so  trifling  a  favor, 
and  the  promise  was  given.  The  Judge  must  have 
run  as  fast  as  his  legs  would  carry  him ;  for,  in 
about  ten  minutes,  he  was  back  again,  with  a  di 
plomatic  recruit.  He  told  me  his  heart  had  mis 
given  him  sadly.  The  three  first  to  whom  he 
offered  the  place  had  plumply  refused  it,  and,  indeed, 
he  did  not  know  but  he  should  have  a  quarrel  or 
two  on  his  hands ;  but,  at  last,  he  had  luckily  found 
one  who  could  get  nothing  else  to  do,  and  he  pinned 
him  on  the  spot. 

So  far  every  thing  had  gone  on  swimmingly;  but 
the  new  charge  had,  most  unfortunately,  a  very 
long  cauda,  a  fashion  that  was  inexorably  proscribed 
by  the  Leaplow  usages,  except  in  cases  where  the 
representative  went  to  court — for  it  seems  the  Leap- 
low  political  ethics,  like  your  country  buck,  has 
two  dresses ;  one  for  every-day  wear,  and  one  for 
Sundays.  The  Judge  intimated  to  his  intended  substi 
tute,  that  it  was  absolutely  indispensable  he  should 
submit  to  an  amputation, or  he  could  not  possibly  con 
fer  the  appointment,  queues  being  proscribed  at 
home  by  both  public  opinions,  the  horizontal  and 
the  perpendicular.  To  this  the  candidate  objected 
that  he  very  well  knew  the  Leaplow  usages  on  this 
head,  but  that  he  had  seen  his  Excellency  himself 
going  to  court  with  a  singularly  apparent  brush; 
and  he  had  supposed  from  that,  and  from  sundry 
other  little  occurrences  he  did  not  care  to  par 
ticularize,  that  the  Leaplowers  were  not  so  bigoted 
in  their  notions,  but  they  could  act  on  the  principle 
of  doing  at  Rome  as  is*  done  by  the  Romans.  To 
this  the  Judge  replied,  that  this  principle  was  cer 
tainly  recognized  in  all  things  that  were  agreeable; 
and  that  he  knew,  from  experience,  how  hard  it 
was  to  go  in  a  bob,  when  all  around  him  went  in 


THE   MONIKINS.  107 

caudce ;  but  that  tails  were  essentially  anti-republi 
can,  and  as  such  had  been  formally  voted  down  in 
Leaplow,  where  even  the  Great  Sachem  did  not 
dare  to  wear  one,  let  him  long  for  it  as  much  as  he 
would  ;  and  if  it  were  known  that  a  public  charge 
offended  in  this  particular,  although  he  might  be 
momentarily  protected  by  one  of  the  public  opinions, 
the  matter  would  certainly  be  taken  up  by  the  op 
position  public  opinion,  and  then  the  people  might 
order  a  new  turn  of  the  little  wheel,  which  heaven 
it  knew ! — occurred  now  a  great  deal  oftener  than 
was  either  profitable  or  convenient. 

Hereupon  the  candidate  deliberately  undid  the 
fastenings  and  removed  the  queue,  showing,  to  our 
admiration,  that  it  was  false,  and  that  he  was,  after 
all,  neither  more  nor  less  than  a  Leaplower  in  mas 
querade  ;  which,  by  the  way,  I  afterwards  learned, 
was  very  apt  to  be  the  case  with  a  great  many  of 
that  eminently  original  people,  when  they  got  with 
out  the  limits  of  their  own  beloved  land.  Judge 
People's  Friend  was  now  perfectly  delighted.  He 
told  us  this  was  exactly  what  he  could  most  have 
wished  for.  "Here  is  a  bob,"  said  he,  "for  the 
horizontals  and  perpendiculars,  and  there  is  a  capi 
tal  ready-made  cauda  for  his  Majesty  and  his  Ma 
jesty's  first-cousin!  A  Leaphighized  Leaplower, 
more  especially  if  there  be  a  dash  of  caricature 
about  him,  is  the  very  thing  in  our  diplomacy." 
Finding  matters  so  much  to  his  mind,  the  Judge 
made  out  the  letter  of  appointment  on  the  spot,  and 
then  proceeded  to  give  his  substitute  the  usual  in 
structions. 

"  You  are  on  all  occasions,"  he  said,  "to  take  the 
utmost  care  not  to  offend  the  court  of  Leaphigh,  or 
the  meanest  of  the  courtiers,  by  advancing  any  of 
our  peculiar  opinions,  all  of  which,  beyond  dispute, 
you  have  at  your  finger-ends ;  on  this  score,  you 


108  THE    MONIKINS. 

are  to  be  so  particular,  that  you  may  even,  in  your 
own  person,  pro  tempore,  abandon  republicanism — 
yea,  sacred  republicanism  itself! — knowing  that  it 
can  easily  be  resumed  on  your  return  home  again ; 
you  are  to  remember  there  is  nothing  so  undiploma 
tic,  or  even  vulgar,  as  to  have  an  opinion  on  any 
subject,  unless  it  should  be  the  opinion  of  the  per 
sons  you  may  happen  to  be  in  company  with;  and, 
as  we  have  the  reputation  of  possessing  that  quality 
in  an  eminent  degree,  everywhere  but  at  home, 
take  especial  heed  to  eschew  vulgarity — if  you  can; 
you  will  have  the  greatest  care,  also,  to  wear  the 
shortest  bob  in  all  your  private,  and  the  longest  tail 
in  all  your  public,  relations,  this  being  one  of  the 
most  important  of  the  celebrated  checks  and  bal 
ances  of  our  government;  our  institutions  being 
expressly  formed  by  the  mass,  for  the  particular 
benefit  of  all,  you  will  be  excessively  careful  not  to 
let  the  claims  of  any  one  citizen,  or  even  any  set 
of  citizens,  interfere  with  that  harmony  which  it  is 
so  necessary,  for  the  purposes  of  trade,  to  maintain 
with  all  foreign  courts ;  which  courts  being  accus 
tomed  themselves  to  consider  their  subjects  as  cat 
tle,  to  be  worked  in  the  traces  of  the  state,  are  sin- 
gulary  restive  whenever  they  hear  of  any  individual 
being  made  of  so  much  importance.     Should  any 
Leaplower  become  troublesome  on  this  score,  give 
him  a  bad  name  at  once ;  and  in  order  to  effect  that 
object  with  your  own  single-minded  and  right- loving 
countrymen,  swear  that  he  is  a  disorganizer,  and, 
my  life  on  it,  both  public  opinions  at  home  will  sus 
tain  you ;  for  there  is  nothing  on  which  our  public 
opinions  agree  so  well  as  the  absolute  deference 
which  they  pay  to  foreign  public  opinions, — and 
this  the  more  especially,  in  all  matters  that  are  likely 
to  affect  profits,  by  deranging  commerce.  You  will, 
above  all  things,  make  it  a  point  to  be  in  constant 


THE    MONIKINS.  100 

relations  with  some  of  the  readiest  paragraph-wri 
ters  of  the  newspapers,  in  order  to  see  that  facts 
are  properly  stated  at  home.  I  would  advise  you 
to  look  out  some  foreigner  who  has  never  seen 
Leaplow,  for  this  employment;  one  that  is  also 
paid  to  write  for  the  journals  of  Leapup,  or  Leap- 
down,  or  some  other  foreign  country;  by  which 
means  you  will  be  sure  to  get  an  impartial  agent, 
or  one  who  can  state  things  in  your  own  way,  who 
is  already  half  paid  for  his  services,  and  who  will 
not  be  likely  to  make  blunders  by  meddling  with 
distinctive  thought.  When  a  person  of  this  charac 
ter  is  found,  let  him  drop  a  line  now  and  then  in 
favor  of  your  own  sagacity  and  patriotism ;  and  if 
he  should  say  a  pleasant  thing  occasionally  about 
me,  it  will  do  no  harm,  but  may  help  the  little  wheel 
to  turn  more  readily.  In  order  to  conceal  his  ori 
gin,  let  your  paragraph-agent  use  the  word  our 
freely ;  the  use  of  this  word,  as  you  know,  being 
the  only  qualification  of  citizenship  in  Leaplow. 
Let  him  begin  to  spell  the  word  O-U-R,  and  then 
proceed  to  pronounce  it,  and  be  careful  that  he 
does  not  spell  it  H-O-U-R,  which  might  betray 
his  origin.  Above  all  things,  you  will  be  patriotic 
and  republican,  avoiding  the  least  vindication  of 
your  country  and  its  institutions,  and  satisfying 
yourself  with  saying  that  the  latter  are,  at  least, 
well  suited  to  the  former ;  if  you  should  say  this  in 
a  way  to  leave  the  impression  on  your  hearers, 
that  you  think  the  former  fitted  for  nothing  else,  it 
will  be  particularly  agreeable  and  thoroughly  re 
publican,  and  most  eminently  modest  and  praise 
worthy.  You  will  find  the  diplomatic  agents  of  all 
other  states,  sensitive  on  the  point  of  their  peculiar 
political  usages,  and  prompt  to  defend  them ;  but 
this  is  a  weakness  you  will  rigidly  abstain  from 
imitating,  for  our  polity  being  exclusively  based  on 
VOL.  II.  10 


THE    MON1KINS. 

reason,  you  are  to  show  a  dignified  confidence  in 
the  potency  of  that  fundamental  principle,  nor  in  any 
way  lessen  the  high  character  that  reason  already 
enjoys,  by  giving  any  one  cause  to  suspect  you  think 
reason  is  not  fully  able  to  take  care  of  itself.  With 
these  leading  hints,  and  your  own  natural  tenden 
cies,  which  I  am  glad  to  see  are  eminently  fitted  for 
the  great  objects  of  diplomacy,  being  ductile,  imi 
tative,  yielding,  calculating,  and,  above  all,  of  a 
foreign  disposition,  I  think  you  will  be  able  to  get 
on  very  cleverly.  Cultivate,  above  all  things,  your 
foreign  dispositions,  for  you  are  now  on  foreign 
duty,  and  your  country  reposes  on  your  shoulders 
and  eminent  talents,  the  whole  burthen  of  its  foreign 
interests  in  this  part  of  the  world." 

Here  the  Judge  closed  his  address,  which  was 
oral,  apparently  well  satisfied  with  himself  and  with 
his  raw-hand  in  diplomacy.  He  then  said, — 

"  That  he  would  now  go  to  court  to  present  his 
substitute,  and  to  take  leave  himself;  after  which  he 
would  return  as  fast  as  possible,  and  detain  us  no 
longer  than  was  necessary  to  put  his  cauda  in  pepper, 
to  protect  it  against  the  moths ;  for  heaven  knew 
what  prize  he  might  draw  in  the  next  turn  of  the 
little  wheel !" 

We  promised  to  meet  him  at  the  port,  where  a 
messenger  just  then  informed  us,  Captain  Poke  had 
landed,  and  was  anxiously  waiting  our  appearance. 
With  this  understanding  we  separated ;  the  Judge 
undertaking  to  redeem  all  our  promises  paid  in  at 
the  tavern,  by  giving  his  own  in  their  stead. 

The  Brigadier  and  myself  found  Noah  and  the 
cook  bargaining  for  some  private  adventures,  with 
a  Leaphigh  broker  or  two,  who,  finding  that  the  ship 
was  about  to  sail  in  ballast,  were  recommending 
their  wares  to  the  notice  of  these  two  worthies. 

"It  would  be* a  ra'al  sin,  Sir  John,"  commenced 


THE    MONIKINS.  Ill 

the  Captain,  "  to  neglect  an  occasion  like  this  to 
turn  a  penny.  The  ship  could  carry  ten  thousand 
immigrunts,  and  they  say  there  are  millions  of  them 
going  over  to  Leaplow;  or  it  might  stow  half  the 
goods  in  Aggregation.  I'm  resolved,  at  any  rate, 
to  use  my  cabin  privilege ;  and  I  would  advise  you, 
as  owner,  to  look  out  for  suthin'  to  pay  port- 
charges  with,  to  say  the  least." 

"  The  idea  is  not  a  bad  one,  friend  Poke ;  but,  as 
we  are  ignorant  of  the  state  of  the  market  on  the 
other  side,  it  might  be  well  to  consult  some  inhab 
itant  of  the  country  about  the  choice  of  articles. 
Here  is  the  Brigadier  Downright,  whom  I  have 
found  to  be  a  monikin  of  experience  and  judgment, 
and  if  you  please,  we  will  first  hear  what  he  has  to 
say  about  it" 

'•  I  dabble  very  little  in  merchandise,"  returned 
the  Brigadier;  "but,  as  a  general  principle,  I  should 
say  that  no  article  of  Leaphigh  manufacture  would 
command  so  certain  a  market  in  Leaplow  as  Opi 
nions." 

"  Have  you  any  of  these  opinions  for  sale  ?"  I 
inquired  of  the  broker. 

"  Plenty  of  them,  sir,  and  of  all  qualities — from 
the  very  lowest  to  the  very  'ighest  prices — those 
that  may  be  had  for  next  to  nothing,  to  those  that 
we  think  a  great  deal  of  ourselves.  We  always 
keeps  them  ready  packed  for  exportation,  and  send 
wast  invoices  of  them,  hannually,  to  Leaplow  in  par 
ticular.  Opinions  are  harticles  that  help  to  sell  each 
other ;  and  a  ship  of  the  tonnage  of  yours  might 
stow  enough,  provided  they  were  properly  assort 
ed,  to  carry  all  before  them  for  the  season." 

Expressing  a  wish  to  see  the  packages,  we  were 
immediately  led  into  an  adjoining  warehouse,  where, 
sure  enough,  there  were  goodly  lots  of  the  manufac 
tures  in  question.  I  passed  along  the  shelves,  read- 


112  THE    MONIKiNS. 

ing  the  inscriptions  of  the  different  packages.  Point 
ing  to  several  bundles  that  had  "  Opinions  on  Free 
Trade"  written  on  their  labels,  I  asked  the  Briga 
dier  what  he  thought  of  that  article. 

"  Why,  they  would  have  done  better,  a  year  or 
two  since,  when  we  were  settling  a  new  tariff;  but 
I  should  think  there  would  be  less  demand  for  them 
now." 

"You  are  quite  right,  sir," -added  the  broker; 
"  we  did  send  large  invoices  of  them  to  Leaplow 
formerly,,  and  they  were  all  eagerly  bought  up, 
the  moment  they  arrived.  A  great  many  were 
dyed  over  again,  and  sold  as  of  'ome  manufacture. 
Most  of  these  harticles  are  now  shipped  for  Leapup, 
with  whom  we  have  negotiations  that  give  them  a 
certain  value." 

"  *  Opinions  on  Democracy,  and  on  the  polity  of 
governments  in  general;1  I  should  think  these  would 
be  of  no  use  in  Leaplow?" 

"  Why,  sir,  they  goes  pretty  much  hover  the  whole 
world.  We  sell  powers  on  'em  on  our  own  con 
tinent,  near  by,  and  a  great  many  do  go  even  to 
Leaplow ;  though  what  they  does  with  'em  there,  I 
never  could  say,  seeing  they  are  all  government 
monikins  in  that  queer  country." 

An  inquiring  look  extorted  a  clearer  answer 
from  the  Brigadier : — 

"  To  admit  the  fact,  we  have  a  class  among  us 
who  buy  up  these  articles  with  some  eagerness.  I 
can  only  account  for  it,  by  supposing  they  think 
differing  in  their  tastes  from  the  mass,  makes  them 
more  enlightened  and  peculiar." 

"  I  '11  take  them  all.  An  article  that  catches  these 
propensities  is  sure  of  a  sale.  *  Opinions  on  Events;1 
what  can  possibly  be  done  with  these  ?" 

"That  depends  a  little  on  their  classification," 
returned  the  Brigadier.  "  If  they  relate  to  Leap- 


THE    MONIKINS.  113 

low  events,  while  they  have  a  certain  value,  they 
cannot  be  termed  of  current  value ;  but  if  they  refer 
to  the  events  of  all  the  rest  of  the  earth,  take  them, 
for  heaven's  sake !  for  we  trust  altogether  to  this 
market  for  our  supplies." 

On  this  hint  I  ordered  the  whole  lot,  trusting  to 
dispose  of  the  least  fashionable  by  aid  of  those  that 
were  more  in  vogue. 

"  *  Opinions  on  Domestic  Literature?  " 
"  You  may  buy  all  he  has;  we  use  no  other." 
" '  Opinions  on  Continental  Literature.' " 
"Why,  we  know  little  about  the  goods  them 
selves — but  I  think  a  selection  might  answer." 

I  ordered  the  bale  cut  in  two,  and  took  one  half, 
at  a  venture. 

" '  Opinions  on  Lea-plow  Literature^  from  No.  1,  up 
to  No.  100.' " 

"  Ah !  it  is  proper  I  should  explain,"  put  in  the 
broker,  "that  we  has  two  varieties  of  them  'ere 
harticles.  One  is  the  true  harticle,  as  is  got  up  by 
our  great  wits  and  philosophers,  they  says,  on  the 
most  approved  models;  but  the  other  is  nothing  but 
a  sham  harticle  that  is  really  manufactured  in 
Leaplow,  and  is  sent  out  here  to  get  our  stamp. 
That's  all — I  never  deceives  a  customer — both  sell 
well,  I  hear,  on  the  other  side,  however." 

I   looked   again  at  the  Brigadier,  who  quietly 
nodding  assent,  I  took  the  whole  hundred  bales. 
" '  Opinions  of  the  Institutions  of  Leaphigh.' " 
"  Why,  them  'ere  is  assorted,  being  of  all  sizes, 
forms  and  colors.     They  came  coastwise,  and  are 
chiefly  for  domestic  consumption;  though  I  have 
known  'em  sent  to  Leaplow,  with  success." 

"  The  consumers  of  this  article  among  us,"  ob 
served  the  Brigadier,  "  are  very  select,  and  rarely 
take  any  but  of  the  very  best  quality.     But  then 
they  are  usually  so  well  stocked,  that  I  question  if  a 
10* 


114  THE   MOJVIKINS. 

new  importation  would  pay  freight.  Indeed,  our 
consumers  cling  very  generally  to  the  old  fashions 
in  this  article,  not  even  admitting  the  changes  pro 
duced  by  time.  There  was  an  old  manufacturer 
called  Whiterock,  who  has  a  sort  of  Barlow-knife 
reputation  among  us,  and  it  is  not  easy  to  get  an 
other  article  to  compete  with  his.  Unless  they  are 
very  antiquated,  I  would  have  nothing  to  do  with 
them." 

"  Yes,  this  is  all  true,  sir.  We  still  sends  to  Leap- 
low  quantities  of  that  'ere  manufacture;  and  the 
more  hantiquated  the  harticle,  the  better  it  sells; 
but  then  the  new  fashions  has  a  most  wonderful  run 
at  'ome." 

"I'll  stick  to  the  real  Barlow,  through  thick  or 
thin.  Hunt  me  up  a  bale  of  his  notions ;  let  them 
be  as  old  as  the  flood.  What  have  we  here  1 — > 
*  Opinions  on  the  Institutions  of  Leaplow."1 " 

"  Take  them,"  said  the  Brigadier,  promptly- 

"  This  'ere  gentleman  has  an  hidear  of  the  state 
of  his  own  market,"  added  the  broker,  giggling. 
"  Wast  lots  of  these  things  go  across  yearly — and  I 
don't  find  that  any  on  'em  ever  comes  back." 

" '  Opinions  on  the  State  of  Manners  and  Society  in 
Leaplow:" 

"I  believe  I'll  take  an  interest  in  that  article  my 
self,  Sir  John,  if  you  can  give  me  a  ton  or  two 
between  decks.  Have  you  many  of  this  manufac 
ture?" 

"  Lots  on  'em,  sir — and  they  do  sell  so ! — That 
'ere  are  a  good  harticle  both  at  'ome  and  abroad. 
My  eye !  how  they  does  go  off  in  Leaplow !" 

"  This  appears  to  be  also  your  expectation,  Briga 
dier,  by  your  readiness  to  take  an  interest  ?" 

"  To  speak  the  truth,  nothing  sells  better  in  our 
beloved  country." 

"  Permit  me  to  remark  that  I  find  your  readiness 


THE    MON1KINS.  115 

to  purchase  this  and  the  last  article,  a  little  singular. 
If  I  have  rightly  comprehended  our  previous  con 
versations,  you  Leaplowers  profess  to  have  im 
proved  not  only  on  the  ancient  principles  of  polity, 
but  on  the  social  condition,  generally." 

"  We  will  talk  of  this  during  the  passage  home 
ward,  Sir  John  Goldencalf ;  but,  by  your  leave,  I 
will  take  a  share  in  the  investment  in  *  Opinions  on 
the  State  of  Society  and  Manners  in  Leaplow,'  es 
pecially  if  they  treat  at  large  on  the  deformities  of 
the  government,  while  they  allow  us  to  be  genteel* 
This  is  the  true  notch— some  of  these  goods  have 
been  condemned  because  the  manufacturers  hadn't 
sufficient  skill  in  dyeing." 

"  You  shall  have  a  share,  Brigadier.  Harkee, 
Mr.  Broker ;  I  take  it  these  said  opinions  come  from 
some  very  well  known  and  approved  manufactory  t" 

"  All  sorts,  sir.  Some  good,  and  some  good  for 
nothing — everything  sells,  however.  I  never  was 
in  Leaplow,  but  we  says  over  here,  that  the  Leap- 
lowers  eat,  and  drink,  and  sleep  on  our  opinions. 
Lord,  sir,  it  would  really  do  your  heart  good  to  see 
the  stuff,  in  these  harticles,  that  they  does  take  from 
us  without  higgling !" 

"  I  presume,  Brigadier,  that  you  use  them  as  an 
amusement — as  a  means  to  pass  a  pleasant  hour, 
of.  an  evening — a  sort  of  moral  segar  ?" 

"No,  sir,"  put  in  the  broker,  "they  doesn't  smoke 
'em,  my  word  on't,  or  they  wouldn't  buy  'em  in 
such  lots !" 

I  now  thought  enough  had  been  laid  in  on  my 
own  account,  and  I  turned  to  see  what  the  Captain 
was  about.  He  was  higgling  for  a  bale  marked 
"Opinions  on  the  lost  condition  of  the  monikin  soul." 
A  little  curious  to  know  why  he  had  made  this  se 
lection,  I  led  him  aside,  and  frankly  put  the  question. 

'"Why,  to  own  the  truth,  Sir  John,"  he  said, 


116  THE    MONIKINS. 

"  religion  is  an  article  that  sells  in  every  market,  in 
some  shape  or  other.  Now,  we  are  all  in  the  dark 
about  the  Leaplow  tastes  and  usages,  for  I  always 
suspect  a  native  of  the  country  to  which  I  am  bound, 
on  such  a  p'int;  and  if  the  things  shouldn't  sell 
there,  they'll  at  least  do  at  Stunin'tun.  Miss  Poke 
alone  would  use  up  what  there  is  in  that  there  bale, 
in  a  twelvemonth.  To  give  the  woman  her  due, 
she's  a  desperate  consumer  of  snuff  and  religion." 

We  had  now  pretty  effectually  cleared  the  shelves, 
and  the  cook,  who  had  come  ashore  to  dispose  of 
his  slush,  had  not  yet  been  able  to  get  anything. 

"  Here  is  a  small  bale  as  come  from  Leaplow, 
and  a  pinched  little  thing  it  is,"  said  the  broker, 
laughing;  "it  don't  take  at  all,  here,  and  it  might 
do  to  go  'ome  again — at  any  rate  you  will  get  the 
drawback.  It  is  filled  with  *  Distinctive  Opinions 
of  the  Republic  of  Leaplow.' "  The  cook  looked  at 
the  Brigadier,  who  appeared  to  think  the  specula 
tion  doubtful.  Still  it  was  Hobson's  choice ;  and, 
after  a  good  deal  of  grumbling,  the  doctor,  as  Noah 
always  called  his  cook,  consented  to  take  the  "  har- 
ticle,"  at  half  the  prime  cost. 

Judge  People's  Friend  now  came  trotting  down 
to  the  port,  thoroughly  en  republicain,  when  we 
immediately  embarked,  and  in  half  an  hour,  Bob 
was  kicked  to  Noah's  heart's  content,  and  the 
Walrus  was  fairly  under  way  for  Leaplow. 


THE   MONIKINS.  117 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

Political  boundaries — Political  rights — Political  selections, 
and  political  disquisitions ;  with  political  results. 

THE  aquatic  mile-stones  of  the  monikin  seas  have 
been  already  mentioned ;  but  I  believe  I  omitted 
to  say,  that  there  was  a  line  of  demarcation  drawn 
in  the  water,  by  means  of  a  similar  invention,  to 
point  out  the  limits  of  the  jurisdiction  of  each  state. 
Thus,  all  within  these  water-marks,  was  under  the 
laws  of  Leaphigh ;  all  between  them  and  those  of 
some  other  country,  was  the  high  seas ;  and  all 
within  those  of  the  other  country,  Leaplow  for 
instance,  was  under  the  exclusive  jurisdiction  of 
that  other  country. 

With  a  favorable  wind,  the  Walrus  could  run 
to  the  water-marks  in  about  half  a  day;  from 
thence  to  the  water-marks  of  JLeaplow  was  two 
days'  sail,  and  another  half  day  was  necessary  to 
reach  our  haven.  As  we  drew  near  the  legal" 
frontiers  of  Leaphigh,  several  small  fast-sailing 
schooners  were  seen  hovering  just  without  the 
jurisdiction  of  the  King,  quite  evidently  waiting  our 
approach.  One  boarded  us,  just  as  the  outer  end 
of  the  spanker-boom  got  clear  of  the  Leaphigh 
sovereignty.  Judge  People's  Friend  rushed  to  the 
side  of  the  ship,  and  before  the  crew  of  the  boat 
could  get  on  deck,  he  had  ascertained  that  the 
usual  number  of  prizes  had  been  put  into  the  little 
wheel. 

A  monikin  in  a  bob  of  a  most  pronounced  cha 
racter,  or  which  appeared  to  have  been  subjected 
to  the  second  amputation,  being  what  is  called  in 
Leaplow  a  bob-upon-bob,  now  approached,  and 


118  THE    MONIKINS. 

inquired  if  there  were  any  emigrants  on  board. 
He  was  made  acquainted  with  our  characters  and 
objects.  When  he  understood  that  our  stay  would 
most  likely  be  short,  he  was  evidently  a  little  dis 
appointed. 

"  Perhaps,  gentlemen,"  he  added,  "  you  may 
still  remain  long  enough  to  make  naturalization 
desirable?" 

"It  is  always  agreeable  to  be  at  home  in  foreign 
countries — but  are  there  no  legal  objections  ?" 

"  I  see  none,  sir — you  have  no  tails,  I  believe  ?" 

"  None  but  what  are  in  our  trunks.  I  did  not 
know,  however,  but  the  circumstance  of  our  being 
of  a  different  species  might  throw  some  obstacles 
in  the  way." 

"  None  in  the  world,  sir.  We  act  on  principles 
much  too  liberal  for  so  narrow  an  objection.  You 
are  but  little  acquainted  with  the  institutions  and 
policy  of  our  beloved  and  most  happy  country,  I 
see,  sir.  This  is  not  Leaphigh,  nor  Leapup,  nor 
Leapdown,  nor  Leapover,  nor  Leapthrough,  nor 
Leapunder;  but  good  old,  hearty,  liberal,  free  and 
independent,  most  beloved,  happy,  and  prosperous 
beyond  example,  Leaplow.  Species  is  of  no  account 
under  our  system.  We  would  as  soon  naturalize 
one  animal  as  another,  provided  it  be  a  republican 
animal.  I  see  no  deficiency  about  any  of  you.  All 
we  ask  is  certain  general  principles.  You  go  on 
two  legs " 

"  So  do  turkeys,  sir." 

"  Very  true — but  you  have  no  feathers." 

"  Neither  has  a  donkey." 

"  All  very  right,  gentlemen — you  do  not  bray, 
however."  " 

"  I  will  not  answer  for  that,"  put  in  the  captain, 
sending  his  leg  forward  in  a  straight  line,  in  a  way 


THE    MONIKINS.  119 

to  raise  an  outcry  in  Bob,  that  almost  upset  the 
Leaplower's  proposition. 

"At  all  events,  gentlemen,"  he  observed,  "there 
is  a  test  that  will  put  the  matter  at  rest,  at  once." 

He  then  desired  us,  in  turn,  to  pronounce  the 
word  "  our" — "  Our  liberties" — "  our  country" — 
"our  firesides" — "our  altars."  Whoever  expressed 
a  wish  to  be  naturalized,  and  could  use  this  word 
in  the  proper  manner,  and  in  the  proper  place,  was 
entitled  to  be  a  citizen.  We  all  did  very  well  but 
the  second  mate,  who,  being  a  Herefordshire  man, 
could  not,  for  the  life  of  him,  get  any  nearer  to  the 
Doric,  in  the  latter  shibboleth,  than  "our  halters." 
Now,  it  would  seem,  that,  in  carrying  out  a  great 
philanthropic  principle  in  Leaplow,  halters  had 
been  proscribed ;  for,  whenever  a  rogue  did  any 
thing  amiss,  it  had  been  discovered  that,  instead 
of  punishing  him  for  the  offence,  the  true  way  to 
remedy  the  evil  was  to  punish  the  society  against 
which  he  had  offended.  By  this  ingenious  turn, 
society  was  naturally  made  to  look  out  sharp  how 
it  permitted  any  one  to  offend  it.  This  excellent 
idea  is  like  that  of  certain  Dutchmen,  who,  when 
they  cut  themselves  with  an  axe,  always  apply  salve 
and  lint  to  the  cruel  steel,  and  leave  the  wound  to 
heal  as  fast  as  possible. 

To  return  to  our  examination:  we  all  passed  but 
the  second  mate,  who  hung  in  his  halter,  and  was 
pronounced  to  be  incorrigible.  Certificates  of 
naturalization  were  delivered  on  the  spot,  the  fees 
were  paid,  and  the  schooner  left  us. 

That  night  it  blew  a  gale,  and  we  had  no  more 
visitors  until  the  following  morning.  As  the  sun 
rose,  however,  we  fell  in  with  three  schooners, 
under  the  Leaplow  flag,  all  of  which  seemed  bound 
on  errands  of  life  or  death.  The  first  that  reached 
us  sent  a  boat  on  board,  and  a  committee  of  six 


120  THE    MONIKINS. 

"  bob-upon-bobs"  hurried  up  our  side,  and  lost  no 
time  in  introducing  themselves.  I  shall  give  their 
own  account  of  their  business  and  characters. 

It  would  seem  that  they  were  what  is  called  a 
"  nominating  committee"  of  the  Horizontals,  for 
the  city  of  Bivouac,  the  port  to  which  we  were 
bound,  where  an  election  was  about  to  take  place 
for  members  of  the  great  National  Council.  Bi 
vouac  was  entitled  to  send  seven  members ;  and 
having  nominated  themselves,  the  committee  were 
now  in  quest  of  a  seventh  candidate  to  fill  the  va 
cancy.  In  order  to  secure  the  naturalized  interests, 
it  had  been  determined  to  select  as  new  a  comer 
as  possible.  This  would  also  be  maintaining  the 
principle  of  liberality,  in  the  abstract.  For  this 
reason  they  had  been  cruising  for  a  week,  as  near 
as  the  law  would  allow  to  the  Leaphigh  bounda 
ries,  and  they  were  now  ready  to  take  any  one 
who  would  serve. 

To  this  proposition  I  again  objected  the  differ 
ence  of  species.  Here  they  all  fairly  laughed  in 
my  face,  Brigadier  Downright  included,  giving  me 
very  distinctly  to  understand  that  they  thought  I  had 
very  contracted  notions  on  matters  and  things,  to 
suppose  so  trifling  an  obstacle  could  disturb  the 
harmony  and  unity  of  a  Horizontal  vote.  They 
went  for  a  principle,  and  the  devil  himself  could 
not  make  them  swerve  from  the  pursuit  of  so 
sacred  an  object. 

I  then  candidly  admitted  that  nature  had  not 
fitted  me,  as  admirably  as  it  had  fitted  my  friend 
the  Judge,  for  the  throwing  of  summersets ;  and  I 
feared  that  when  the  order  was  given  "to  go  to  the 
right  about,"  I  might  be  found  no  better  than  a 
bungler.  This  staggered  them  a  little ;  and  I  per 
ceived  that  they  looked  at  each  other,  in  doubt. 


THE    MONIKINS.  121 

"  But  you  can,  at  least,  turn  round  suddenly,  at 
need  ?"  one  of  them  asked,  after  a  pause. 

"  Certainly,  sir,"  I  answered,  giving  ocular  evi 
dence  that  I  was  no  idle  boaster,  making  a  com 
plete  gyration  on  my  heels,  in  very  good  time. 

"  Very  well ! — admirably  well !"  they  all  cried 
in  a  breath.  "  The  great  political  essential  is  to  be 
able  to  perform  the  evolutions  in  their  essence, — 
the  facility  with  which  they  are  performed  being 
no  more  than  a  personal  merit." 

"  But,  gentlemen,  I  know  little  more  of  your 
constitution  and  laws,  than  I  have  learned  in  a 
few  broken  discussions  with  my  fellow-travellers." 

"  This  is  a  matter  of  no  moment,  sir.  Our  con 
stitution,  unlike  that  of  Leaphigh,  is  written  down, 
and  he  who  runs  can  read ;  and  then  we  have  a 
political  fugleman  in  the  house,  who  saves  an  im 
mense  deal  of  unnecessary  study  and  reflection  to 
the  members.  All  you  will  have  to  do,  will  be  to 
watch  his  movements ;  and,  my  life  on  it,  you  will 
go  as  well  through  the  manual  exercise  as  the 
oldest  member  there." 

"  How,  sir,  do  all  the  members  take  the  mancEU- 
vres  from  this  fugleman  ?" 

"  All  the  Horizontals,  sir — the  Perpendiculars 
having  a  fugleman  of  their  own." 

"Well,  gentlemen,  I  conceive  this  to  be  an  affair 
in  which  I  am  no  judge,  and  I  put  myself  entirely 
in  the  hands  of  my  friends." 

This  answer  met  with  much  commendation,  and 
manifested,  as  they  all  protested,  great  political 
capabilities;  the  statesman  who  submitted  all  to 
his  friends  never  failing  to  rise  to  eminence  in 
Leaplow.  The  committee  took  my  name  in  writ 
ing,  and  hastened  back  to  their  schooner,  in  order 
to  get  into  port  to  promulgate  the  nomination. 
These  persons  were  hardly  off  the  deck,  before 

VOL.  II.  11 


122  THE    MONIKIJTS. 

another  party  came  up  the  opposite  side  of  the 
ship.  They  announced  themselves  to  be  a  nomi 
nating  committee  of  the  Perpendiculars,  on  exactly 
the  same  errand  as  their  opponents.  They,  too, 
wished  to  propitiate  the  foreign  interests,  and  were 
in  search  of  a  proper  candidate.  Captain  Poke 
had  been  an  attentive  listener  to  all  that  occurred 
during  the  circumstances  that  preceded  my  nomi 
nation;  and  he  now  stepped  promptly  forward, 
and  declared  his  readiness  to  serve.  As  there  wns 
quite  as  little  squeamishness  on  one  side  as  on  tLo 
other,  and  the  Perpendicular  committee,  as  it 
owned  itself,  was  greatly  pressed  for  time,  the 
Horizontals  having  the  start  of  them,  the  affair 
was  arranged  in  five  minutes,  and  the  strangers 
departed  with  the  name  of  NOAH  POKE,  THE 
TRIED  PATRIOT,  THE  PROFOUND  JU 
RIST,  AND  THE  HONEST  MONIKIN,  hand 
somely  placarded  on  a  large  board — all  but  the 
name  having  been  carefully  prepared  in  advance. 
When  the  committee  was  fairly  out  of  the  ship, 
Noah  took  me  aside,  and  made  his  apologies  for 
opposing  me  in  this  important  election.  His  rea 
sons  were  numerous  and  ingenious,  and,  as  usual, 
a  little  discursive.  They  might  be  summed  up  as 
follows:  He  never  had  sat  in  a  parliament,  and  he 
was  curious  to  know  how  it  would  feel ;  it  would 
increase  the  respect  of  the  ship's  company,  to  find 
their  commander  of  so  much  account  in  a  strange 
port ;  he  had  had  some  experience  at  Stunin'tun 
by  reading  the  newspapers,  and  he  didn't  doubt 
of  his  abilities  at  all,  a  circumstance  that  rarely 
failed  of  making  a  good  legislator ;  the  Congress 
man  in  his  part  of  the  country  was  some  such  man 
as  himself,  and  what  was  good  for  the  goose  was 
good  for  the  gander;  he  knew  Miss  Poke  would 
be  pleased  to  hear  he  had  been  chosen ;  he  won- 


THE    MONIKINS.  123 

dered  if  he  should  be  called  the  Honorable  Noah 
Poke,  and  whether  he  should  receive  eight  dollars 
a  day,  and  mileage  from  the  spot  where  the  ship 
then  was;  the  Perpendiculars  might  count  on  him, 
for  his  word  was  as  good  as  his  bond ;  as  for  the 
constitution,  he  had  got  on  under  the  constitution 
at  home,  and  he  believed  a  man  who  could  do 
that  might  get  on  under  any  constitution;  he  didn't 
intend  to  say  a  great  deal  in  parliament,  but  what 
he  did  say  he  hoped  might  be  recorded  for  the  use 
of  his  children ;  together  with  a  great  deal  more 
of  the  same  sort  of  argumentation  and  apology. 

The  third  schooner  now  brought  us  to.  This 
vessel  sent  another  committee,  who  announced 
themselves  to  be  the  representatives  of  a  party 
that  was  termed  the  Tangents.  They  were  not 
numerous,  but  sufficiently  so  to  hold  the  balance 
whenever  the  Horizontals  and  the  Perpendiculars 
crossed  each  other  directly  at  right  angles,  as  was 
the  case  at  present;  and  they  had  now  determined 
to  run  a  single  candidate  of  their  own.  They,  too, 
wished  to  fortify  themselves  by  the  foreign  inte 
rest,  as  was  natural,  and  had  come  out  in  quest 
of  a  proper  person.  I  suggested  the  first  mate ;  but 
against  this  Noah  protested,  declaring  that  come 
what  would,  the  ship  must  on  no  account  be  de 
serted.  Time  pressed;  and,  while  the  Captain  and 
the  subordinate  were  hotly  disputing  the  propriety 
of  permitting  the  latter  to  serve,  Bob,  who  had 
already  tasted  the  sweets  of  political  importance, 
in  his  assumed  character  of  Prince-Royal,  stepped 
slyly  up  to  the  committee,  and  gave  in  his  name. 
Noah  was  too  much  occupied  to  discover  this 
well-managed  movement ;  and  by  the  time  he  had 
sworn  to  throw  the  mate  overboard  if  he  did  not 
instantly  relinquish  all  ambitious  projects  of  this 
nature,  he  found  that  the  Tangents  were  off.  Sup- 


124  THE    MONIK1NS. 

posing  they  had  gone  to  some  other  vessel,  the 
Captain  allowed  himself  to  be  soothed,  and  all 
went  on  smoothly  again. 

From  this  time  until  we  anchored  in  the  bay 
of  Bivouac,  the  tranquillity  and  discipline  of  the 
Walrus  were  undisturbed.  I  improved  the  occa 
sion  to  study  the  constitution  of  Leaplow,  of  which 
the  Judge  had  a  copy,  and  to  glean  such  informa 
tion  from  my  companions,  as  I  believed  might  be 
useful  in  my  future  career.  I  thought  how  plea 
sant  it  would  be  for  a  foreigner  to  teach  the  Leap- 
lowers  their  own  laws,  and  to  explain  to  them  the 
application  of  their  own  principles  !  Little,  how 
ever,  was  to  be  got  from  the  Judge,  who  was  just 
then  too  much  occupied  with  some  calculations 
concerning  the  chances  of  the  little  wheel,  with 
which  he  had  been  furnished  by  a  leading  man  of 
one  of  the  nominating  committees. 

I  now  questioned  the  Brigadier  touching  that 
peculiar  usage  of  his  country  which  rendered 
Leaphigh  opinions  concerning  the  Leaplow  insti 
tutions,  society  and  manners,  of  so  much  value  in 
the  market  of  the  latter.  To  this  I  got  but  an  in 
different  answer,  except  it  was  to  say,  that  his 
countrymen  having  cleared  the  interests  connected 
with  the  subjects  from  the  rubbish  of  time,  and  set 
everything  at  work,  on  the  philosophical  basis  of 
reason  and  common  sense,  were  exceedingly  desi 
rous  of  knowing  what  other  people  thought  of  the 
success  of  the  experiment. 

"  I  expect  to  see  a  nation  of  sages,  I  can  assure 
you,  Brigadier ;  one  in  which  even  the  very  children 
are  profoundly  instructed  in  the  great  truths  of 
your  system ;  and,  as  to  the  monikinas,  I  am  not 
without  dread  of  bringing  my  theoretical  ignorance 
in  collision  with  their  great  practical  knowledge 
of  the  principles  of  your  government." 


THE   MONIKINS.  125 

"  They  are  early  fed  on  political  pap." 

"  No  doubt,  sir,  no  doubt.  How  different  must 
they  be  from  the  females  of  other  countries! 
Deeply  imbued  with  the  great  distinctive  princi 
ples  of  your  system,  devoted  to  the  education  of 
their  children  in  the  same  sublime  truths,  and  inde 
fatigable  in  their  discrimination,  among  the  meanest 
of  their  households !" 

"  Hum !" 

"  Now,  sir,  even  in  England,  a  country  which 
I  trust  is  not  the  most  debased  on  earth,  you  will 
find  women,  beautiful,  intellectual,  accomplished 
and  patriotic,  who  limit  their  knowledge  of  these 
fundamental  points  to  a  zeal  for  a  clique,  and  the 
whole  of  whose  eloquence  on  great  national  ques 
tions  is  bounded  by  a  few  heartfelt  wishes  for  the 
downfall  of  their  opponents." 

"  It  is  very  much  so  at  Stunin'tun,too,  if  truth  must 
be  spoken,"  remarked  Noah,  who  had  been  a  listener. 

"  Who,  instead  of  instructing  the  young  suckers 
that  cling  to  their  sides  in  just  notions  of  general, 
social  distinctions,  nurture  their  young  antipathies 
with  pettish  philippics  against  some  luckless  chief 
of  the  adverse  party." 

"'Tis  pretty  much  the  same  at  Stunin'tun,  as  I 
live !" 

"  Who  rarely  study  the  great  lessons  of  history 
in  order  to  point  out  to  the  future  statesmen  and 
heroes  of  the  empire  the  beacons  of  crime,  the 
incentives  for  public  virtue,  or  the  charters  of  their 
liberties;  but  who  are  indefatigable  in  echoing 
the  cry  of  the  hour,  however  false  or  vulgar,  and 
who  humanize  their  attentive  offspring  by  softly 
expressed  wishes  that  Mr.  Canning,  or  some  other 
frustrator  of  the  designs  of  their  friends,  'were 
fairly  hanged !' " 

"  Stunin'tun,  all  over !" 
11* 


126  THE    MONIKINS. 

"  Beings  that  are  angels  in  form — soft,  gentle, 
refined,  and  tearful  as  the  evening  with  its  dews, 
when  there  is  a  question  of  humanity  or  suffering; 
but  who  seem  strangely  transformed  into  she- 
tigers,  whenever  any  but  those  of  whom  they  can 
approve  attain  to  power ;  and  who,  instead  of  en- 
twTining  their  soft  arms  around  their  husbands  and 
brothers,  to  restrain  them  from  the  hot  strife  of 
opinions,  cheer  them  on  by  their  encouragement, 
and  throw  dirt  with  the  volubility  and  wit  of  fish- 
women." 

"  Miss  Poke,  to  the  back-bone !" 

"  In  short,  sir,  I  expect  to  see  an  entirely  dif 
ferent  state  of  things  at  Leaplow.  There,  when 
a  political  adversary  is  bespattered  with  mud, 
your  gentle  monikinas,  doubtless,  appease  anger 
by  the  mild  soothings  of  philosophy,  tempering 
zeal  by  wisdom,  and  regulating  error  by  apt  and 
unanswerable  quotations  from  that  great  charter 
which  is  based  on  the  eternal  and  immutable  prin 
ciples  of  right." 

"  Well,  Sir  John,  if  you  speak  in  this  elocution 
ary  manner  in  the  house,"  cried  the  delighted 
Noah,  "  I  shall  be  shy  of  answering !  I  doubt,  now, 
if  the  Brigadier  himself  could  repeat  all  you  have 
just  said." 

"  I  have  forgotten  to  inquire,  Mr.  Downright,  a 
little  about  your  Leaplow  constituency.  The  suf 
frage  is,  beyond  question,  confined  to  those  mem 
bers  of  society  who  possess  a  '  social  stake.' " 

"Certainly,  Sir  John.  They  who  live  and 
breathe." 

"  Surely  none  vote  but  those  who  possess  the 
money,  and  houses,  and  lands  of  the  country  ?" 

"  Sir,  you  are  altogether  in  error ;  all  vote  who 
possess  ears,  and  eyes,  and  noses,  and  bobs,  and 
lives,  and  hopes,  and  wishes,  and  feelings,  and 


THE   MON1KINS.  127 

wants.  Wants  we  conceive  to  be  a  much  truer 
test  of  political  fidelity,  than  possessions." 

"  This  is  novel  doctrine,  indeed !  but  it  is  in 
direct  hostility  to  the  social-stake  system." 

"  You  were  never  more  right,  Sir  John,  as 
respects  your  own  theory,  or  never  more  wrong 
as  respects  the  truth.  In  Leaplow  we  contend — 
and  contend  justly — that  there  is  no  broader  or 
bolder  fallacy  than  to  say  that  a  representation  of 
mere  effects,  whether  in  houses,  lands,  merchan 
dise,  or  money,  is  a  security  for  a  good  govern 
ment.  Property  is  affected  by  measures ;  and  the 
more  a  monikin  has,  the  greater  is  the  bribe  to 
induce  him  to  consult  his  own  interests,  although 
it  should  be  at  the  expense  of  those  of  everybody 
else." 

"  But,  sir,  the  interest  of  the  community  is  com 
posed  of  the  aggregate  of  these  interests." 

"  Your  pardon,  Sir  John ;  nothing  is  composed 
of  it,  but  the  aggregate  of  the  interests  of  a  class. 
If  your  government  is  instituted  for  their  benefit 
only,  your  social-stake  system  is  all  well  enough ; 
but  if  the  object  be  the  general  good,  you  have  no 
choice  but  to  trust  its  custody  to  the  general  keep 
ing.  Let  us  suppose  two  men — since  you  happen 
to  be  a  man,  and  not  a  monikin — let  us  suppose 
two  men  perfectly  equal  in  morals,  intelligence, 
public  virtue  and  patriotism,  one  of  whom  shall  be 
rich  and  the  other  shall  have  nothing.  A  crisis 
arrives  in  the  affairs  of  their  common  country, 
and  both  are  called  upon  to  exercise  their  fran 
chise,  on  a  question — as  almost  all  great  questions 
must — that  unavoidably  will  have  some  influence 
on  property  generally.  Which  would  give  the 
most  impartial  vote — he  who,  of  necessity,  must 
be  swayed  by  his  personal  interest,  or  he  who  has 
no  inducement  of  the  sort  to  go  astray  ?" 


THE   MONIK1NS. 

"Certainly  he  who  has  nothing  to  influence 
him  to  go  wrong. — But  the  question  is  not  fairly 
put " 

"  Your  pardon,  Sir  John, — it  is  put  fairly  as  an 
abstract  question,  and  one  that  is  to  prove  a  prin 
ciple.  I  am  glad  to  hear  you  say  that  a  man 
would  be  apt  to  decide  in  this  manner;  for  it  shows 
his  identity  with  a  monikin.  We  hold  that  all 
of  us  are  apt  to  think  most  of  ourselves  on  such 
occasions." 

"  My  dear  Brigadier,  do  not  mistake  sophistry 
for  reason.  Surely,  if  power  belonged  only  to  the 
poor, — and  the  poor,  or  the  comparatively  poor, 
always  compose  the  mass, — they  would  exercise 
it  in  a  way  to  strip  the  rich  of  their  possessions." 

"  We  think  not,  in  Leaplow.  Cases  might  exist, 
in  which  such  a  state  of  things  would  occur  under 
a  reaction;  but  reactions  imply  abuses,  and  are 
not  to  be  quoted  to  maintain  a  principle.  He  who 
was  drunk  yesterday,  may  need  an  unnatural  sti 
mulus  to-day;  while  he  who  is  uniformly  tempe 
rate  preserves  his  proper  tone  of  body  without 
recourse  to  a  remedy  so  dangerous.  Such  an  ex 
periment,  under  a  strong  provocation,  might  possi 
bly  be  made ;  but  it  could  scarcely  be  made  twice 
among  any  people,  and  not  even  once  among  a 
people  that  submits  in  season  to  a  just  division  of 
its  authority,  since  it  is  obviously  destructive  of  a 
leading  principle  of  civilization.  According  to  our 
monikin  histories,  all  the  attacks  upon  property 
have  been  produced  by  property's  grasping  at 
more  than  fairly  belongs  to  its  immunities.  If  you 
make  political  power  a  concomitant  of  property, 
both  may  go  together,  certainly ;  but  if  kept  sepa 
rate,  the  danger  to  the  latter  will  never  exceed  the 
danger  in  which  it  is  put  daily  by  the  arts  of  the 


THE    MONIKINS.  129 

money-getters,  who  are,  in  truth,  the  greatest  foes 
of  property,  as  it  belongs  to  others." 

I  remembered  Sir  Joseph  Job,  and  could  not 
but  admit  that  the  Brigadier  had,  at  least,  some 
truth  on  his  side. 

"  But  do  you  deny  that  the  sentiment  of  proper 
ty  elevates  the  mind,  ennobles,  and  purifies  ?" 

"  Sir,  I  do  not  pretend  to  determine  what  may 
be  the  fact  among  men,  but  we  hold  among  mom- 
kins,  that  'the  love  of  money  is  the  root  of  all 
evil/  " 

"  How,  sir!  do  you  account  the  education  which 
is  a  consequence  of  property,  as  nothing?" 

"  If  you  mean,  my  dear  Sir  John,  that  which  pro 
perty  is  most  apt  to  teach,  we  hold  it  to  be  selfish 
ness;  but  if  you  mean  that  he  who  has  money,  as  a 
rule,  will  also  have  information  to  guide  him  aright, 
I  must  answer,  that  experience,  which  is  worth  a 
thousand  theories,  tells  us  differently.  We  find  that 
on  questions  which  are  purely  between  those  who 
have  and  those  who  have  not,  the  haves  are  com 
monly  united,  and  we  think  this  would  be  the  fact  if 
they  were  as  unschooled  as  bears;  but  on  all  other 
questions,  they  certainly  do  great  discredit  to  edu 
cation,  unless  you  admit  that  there  are,  in  every 
case,  two  rights ;  for,  with  us,  the  most  highly  edu 
cated  generally  take  the  two  extremes  of  every 
argument.  I  state  this  to  be  the  fact  with  moni- 
kins,  you  will  remember — doubtless,  educated  men 
agree  much  better." 

"  But,  my  good  Brigadier,  if  your  position  about 
the  greater  impartiality  and  independence  of  the 
elector  who  is  not  influenced  by  his  private  inte 
rests,  be  true,  a  country  would  do  well  to  submit 
its  elections  to  a  body  of  foreign  umpires." 

"  It  would  indeed,  Sir  John,  if  it  were  certain 
these  foreign  umpires  would  not  abuse  the  power 


130  THE    MONIKINS. 

to  their  own  particular  advantage,  if  they  could 
have  the  feelings  and  sentiments  which  ennoble 
and  purify  a  nation  far  more  than  money,  and  if 
it  were  possible  they  could  thoroughly  understand 
the  character,  habits,  wants,  and  resources  of  an 
other  people.  As  things  are,  therefore,  we  believe 
it  is  wisest  to  trust  our  own  elections  to  ourselves 
— not  to  a  portion  of  ourselves — but  to  all  of  our 
selves." 

"  Immigrunts  included,"  put  in  the  Captain. 

"  Why,  we  do  carry  the  principle  well  out  in  the 
case  of  gentlemen  like  yourselves,'*  returned  the 
Brigadier,  politely;  "  but  liberality  is  a  virtue.  As 
a  principle,  Sir  John,  your  idea  of  referring  the 
choice  of  our  representatives  to  strangers,  has  more 
merit  than  you  probably  imagine,  though,  certain 
ly,  impracticable,  for  the  reasons  already  given. 
When  we  seek  justice,  we  commonly  look  out  for 
some  impartial  judge.  Such  a  judge  is  unattainable, 
however,  in  the  matter  of  the  interests  of  a  state, 
for  the  simple  reason  that  power  of  this  sort,  per 
manently  wielded,  would  be  perverted  on  a  prin 
ciple  which,  after  a  most  scrupulous  analysis,  we 
have  been  compelled  to  admit  is  incorporated  with 
the  very  monikin  nature — viz.  selfishness.  I  make 
no  manner  of  doubt  that  you  men,  however,  are 
altogether  superior  to  an  influence  so  unworthy?" 

Here  I  could  only  borrow  the  use  of  the  Briga 
dier's  "  Hum !" 

"  Having  ascertained  that  it  would  not  do  to 
submit  the  control  of  our  affairs  to  utter  strangers, 
or  to  those  whose  interests  are  not  identified  with 
our  own,  we  set  about  seeing  what  could  be  done 
with  a  selection  from  among  ourselves.  Here  we 
were  again  met  by  that  same  obstinate  principle 
of  selfishness ;  and  we  were  finally  driven  to  take 


THE    MOJVIKINS.  131 

shelter  in  the  experiment  of  intrusting  the  interests 
of  all,  to  the  management  of  all." 

"And,  sir,  are  these  the  opinions  of  Leaphigh?" 

"Very  far  from  it.  The  difference  between 
Leaphigh  and  Leaplow  is  just  this :  the  Leaphigh- 
ers,  being  an  ancient  people,  with  a  thousand 
vested  interests,  are  induced,  as  time  improves  the 
mind,  to  seek  reasons  for  their  facts;  while  we 
Leaplowers,  being  unshackled  by  any  such  re 
straints,  have  been  able  to  make  an  effort  to  form 
our  facts  on  our  reasons." 

"  Why  do  you,  then,  so  much  prize  Leaphigh 
opinions  on  Leaplow  facts  ?" 

"  Why  does  every  little  monikin  believe  his  own 
father  and  mother  to  be  just  the  two  wisest,  best, 
most  virtuous,  and  discreetest  old  monikins  in 
the  whole  world,  until  time,  opportunity,  and  ex 
perience  show  him  his  error  ?" 

"Do  you  make  no  exceptions,  then,  in  your 
franchise,  but  admit  every  citizen  who,  as  you  say, 
has  a  nose,  ears,  bob  and  wants,  to  the  exercise  of 
the  suffrage?" 

"  Perhaps  we  are  less  scrupulous  on  this  head 
than  we  ought  to  be,  since  we  do  not  make  igno 
rance  and  want  of  character  bars  to  the  privilege. 
Qualifications  beyond  mere  birth  and  existence 
may  be  useful,  but  they  are  badly  chosen  wrhen 
they  are  brought  to  the  test  of  purely  material  pos 
sessions.  This  practice  has  arisen  in  the  world 
from  the  fact  that  they  who  had  property  had 
power,  and  not  because  they  ought  to  have  it." 

"  My  dear  Brigadier,  this  is  flying  in  the  face 
of  all  experience." 

"For  the  reason  just  given,  and  because  all 
experience  has  hitherto  commenced  at  the  wrong 
end.  Society  should  be  constructed  as  you  erect 


132  THE    MONIKINS. 

a  house ;  not  from  the  roof  down,  but  from  the 
foundation  upward." 

"  Admitting,  however,  that  your  house  has  been 
badly  constructed  at  first, — in  repairing  it,  would 
you  tear  away  the  walls  at  random,  at  the  risk 
of  bringing  all  down  about  your  ears  ?" 

"I  would  first  see  that  sufficient  props  were 
reared,  and  then  proceed  with  vigor,  though  always 
with  caution.  Courage  in  such  an  experiment  is 
less  to  be  dreaded  than  timidity.  Half  the  evils 
of  life,  social,  personal  and  political,  are  as  much 
the  effects  of  moral  cowardice  as  of  fraud." 

I  then  told  the  Brigadier,  that  as  his  countrymen 
rejected  the  inducements  of  property  in  the  selec 
tion  of  the  political  base  of  their  social  compact,  I 
expected  to  find  a  capital  substitute  in  virtue. 

"  I  have  always  heard  that  virtue  is  the  great 
essential  of  a  free  people,  and  doubtless  you  Le'ap- 
lowers  are  perfect  models  in  this  important  parti 
cular?" 

The  Brigadier  smiled,  before  he  answered  me ; 
first  looking  about,  to  the  right  and  left,  as  if  to 
regale  himself  with  the  odor  of  perfection. 

"  Many  theories  have  been  broached  on  these 
subjects,"  he  replied,  "  in  which  there  has  been 
some  confusion  between  cause  and  effect.  Virtue 
is  no  more  a  cause  of  freedom,  except  as  it  is  con 
nected  with  intelligence,  than  vice  is  a  cause  of  sla 
very.  Both  may  be  consequences,  but  it  is  not  easy 
to  say  how  either  is  necessarily  a  cause.  There 
is  a  homely  saying  among  us  monikins,  which  is 
quite  to  the  point  in  this  matter :  '  Set  a  rogue  to 
catch  a  rogue.'  Now,  the  essence  of  a  free  govern 
ment  is  to  be  found  in  the  responsibility  of  its 
agents.  He  who  governs  without  responsibility  is 
a  master,  while  he  who  discharges  the  duties  of  a 
functionary  under  a  practical  responsibility  is  a  ser- 


THE    MONIKINS.  133 

vant.  This  is  the  only  true  test  of  governments, 
let  them  be  mistified  as  they  may  in  other  respects. 
Responsibility  to  the  mass  of  the  nation  is  the  cri 
terion  of  freedom.  Now  responsibility  is  the  sub 
stitute  for  virtue  in  a  politician,  as  discipline  is  the 
substitute  for  courage,  in  a  soldier.  An  army  of 
brave  monikins  without  discipline,  would  be  very 
apt  to  be  worsted  by  an  army  of  monikins  of  less 
natural  spirit,  with  discipline.  So  a  corps  of  origi 
nally  virtuous  politicians,  without  responsibility, 
would  be  very  apt  to  do  more  selfish,  lawless,  and 
profligate  acts,  than  a  corps  of  less  virtue,  who 
were  kept  rigidly  under  the  rod  of  responsibility. 
Unrestrained  power  is  a  great  corrupter  of  virtue, 
of  itself;  while  the  liabilities  of  a  restrained  au 
thority  are  very  apt  to  keep  it  in  check.  At  least, 
such  is  the  fact  with  us  monikins — men  very  pos 
sibly  get  along  better." 

"  Let  me  tell  you,  Mr.  Downright,  you  are  now 
uttering  opinions  that  are  diametrically  opposed 
to  those  of  the  world,  which  considers  virtue  an 
indispensable  ingredient  in  a  republic." 

"The  world — meaning  always  the  monikin 
world — knows  very  little  about  real  political  liber 
ty,  except  as  a  theory.  We  of  Leaplow  are,  in 
effect,  the  only  people  who  have  had  much  to  do 
with  it,  and  I  am  now  telling  you  what  is  the  result 
of  my  own  observation,  in  my  own  country.  If 
monikins  were  purely  virtuous,  there  would  be  no 
necessity  for  government  at  all ;  but,  being  what 
they  are,  we  think  it  wisest  to  set  them  to  watch 
each  other." 

"But  yours  is  self-government,  which  implies 
self-restraint ;  and  self-restraint  is  but  another 
word  for  virtue." 

'*  If  the  merit  of  our  system  depended  on  self- 
government,  in  your  signification,  or  on  self-re- 

VOL.  II.  12 


134  THE    MON1KINS. 

straint,  in  any  signification,  it  would  not  be  worth 
the  trouble  of  this  argument,  Sir  John  Goldencalf. 
This  is  one  of  those  balmy  fallacies  with  which  ill- 
judging  moralists  endeavor  to  stimulate  monikins 
to  good  deeds.  Our  government  is  based  on  a 
directly  opposite  principle ;  that  of  watching  and 
restraining  each  other,  instead  of  trusting  to  our 
ability  to  restrain  ourselves.  It  is  the  want  of 
responsibility,  and  not  its  constant  and  active 
presence,  which  infers  virtue  and  self-control.  No 
one  would  willingly  lay  legal  restraints  on  himself, 
in  any  thing,  while  all  are  very  happy  to  restrain 
their  neighbors.  This  refers  to  the  positive  and 
necessary  rules  of  intercourse,  and  the  establish 
ment  of  rights;  as  to  mere  morality,  laws  do  very 
little  towards  enforcing  its  ordinances.  Morals 
usually  come  of  instruction;  and  when  all  have  poli 
tical  power,  instruction  is  a  security  that  all  desire." 

"  But  when  all  vote,  all  may  wish  to  abuse  their 
trust  to  their  own  especial  advantage,  and  a  poli 
tical  chaos  would  be  the  consequence." 

"  Such  a  result  is  impossible,  except  as  especial 
advantage  is  identified  with  general  advantage.  A 
community  can  no  more  buy  itself  in  this  manner, 
than  a  monikin  can  eat  himself,  let  him  be  as  rave 
nous  as  he  will.  Admitting  that  all  are  rogues, 
necessity  would  compel  a  compromise." 

"  You  make  out  a  plausible  theory,  and  I  have 
little  doubt  that  I  shall  find  you  the  wisest,  the 
most  logical,  the  discreetest,  and  the  most  consist 
ent  community  I  have  yet  visited.  But  another 
word : — How  is  it  that  our  friend  the  Judge  gave 
such  very  equivocal  instructions  to  his  charge; 
and  why,  in  particular,  did  he  lay  so  much  stress 
on  the  employment  of  means,  which  give  the  lie 
flatly  to  all  you  have  here  told  me?" 

Brigadier  Downright  hereupon  stroked  his  chin, 


THE    MON1KINS.  135 

and  observed  that  he  thought  there  might  possibly 
be  a  shift  of  wind ;  and  he  also  wondered  quite 
audibly,  when  we  should  make  the  land.  I  after 
wards  persuaded  him  to  allow  that  a  monikin  was 
but  a  monikin,  after  all,  whether  he  had  the  advan 
tages  of  universal  suffrage,  or  lived  under  a  despot. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

An  arrival — An  election — Architecture — A  rolling-pin,  and 
Patriotism  of  the  most  approved  water. 

IN  due  time  the  coast  of  Leaplow  made  its 
appearance,  close  under  our  larboard  bow.  So 
sudden  was  our  arrival  in  this  novel  and  extraor 
dinary  country,  that  we  were  very  near  running 
on  it,  before  we  got  a  glimpse  of  its  shores.  The 
seamanship  of  Captain  Poke,  however,  stood  us  in 
hand ;  and,  by  the  aid  of  a  very  clever  pilot,  we 
were  soon  safely  moored  in  the  harbor  of  Bivouac. 
In  this  happy  land,  there  was  no  registration,  no 
passports,  "  no  nothin' " — as  Mr.  Poke  pointedly 
expressed  it.  The  formalities  were  soon  observed, 
although  I  had  occasion  to  remark,  how  much 
easier,  after  all,  it  is  to  get  along  in  this  world 
with  vice  than  with  virtue.  A  bribe  offered  to  a 
custom-house  officer  was  refused;  and  the  only 
trouble  I  had,  on  the  occasion,  arose  from  this 
awkward  obtrusion  of  a  conscience.  However, 
the  difficulty  was  overcome,  though  not  quite  as 
soon  or  as  easily  as  if  douceurs  had  happened  to 
be  in  fashion ;  and  we  were  permitted  to  land  with 
all  our  necessary  effects. 


136  THE    MONIKINS. 

The  city  of  Bivouac  presented  a  singular  aspect, 
as  I  first  put  foot  within  its  hallowed  streets. 
The  houses  were  all  covered  with  large  placards, 
which,  at  first,  I  took  to  be  lists  of  the  wares  to  be 
vended,  for  the  place  is  notoriously  commercial; 
but  which,  on  examination,  I  soon  discovered  were 
merely  electioneering  handbills.  The  reader  will 
figure  to  himself  my  pleasure  and  surprise,  on  read 
ing  the  first  that  offered.  It  ran  as  follows : — 

HORIZONTAL  NOMINATION. 

Horizontal-Systematic-Endoctrinated-Republicans,  Attention ! 
Your  sacred  rights  are  in  danger ;  your  dearest  liberties  are 
menaced ;  your  wives  and  children  are  on  the  point  of  disso 
lution;  the  infamous  and  unconstitutional  position  that  the 
sun  gives  light  by  day,  and  the  moon  by  night,  is  openly  and 
impudently  propagated,  and  now  is  the  only  occasion  that 
will  probably  ever  offer  to  arrest  an  error  so  pregnant  with 
deception  and  domestic  evils.  We  present  to  your  notice  a 
suitable  defender  of  all  these  near  and  dear  interests,  in  the 
person  of 

JOHN    GOLDENCALF, 

The  known  patriot,  the  approved  legislator,  the  profound  phi 
losopher,  the  incorruptible  statesman.  To  our  adopted  fellow- 
citizens  we  need  not  recommend  Mr.  Goldencalf,  for  he  is 
truly  one  of  themselves ;  to  the  native  citizens  we  will  only 
say,  "  Try  him,  and  you  will  be  more  than  satisfied." 

I  found  this  placard  of  great  use,  for  it  gave  me 
the  first  information  I  had  yet  had  of  the  duty  I 
was  expected  to  perform  in  the  coming  session  of 
the  Great  Council ;  which  was  merely  to  demon 
strate  that  the  moon  gave  light  by  day,  and  that 
the  sun  gave  light  by  night.  Of  course,  I  imme 
diately  set  about,  in  my  own  mind,  hunting  up 
the  proper  arguments  by  which  this  grave  political 


THE   MON1K1NS.  137 

hypothesis  was  to  be  properly  maintained.  The 
next  placard  was  in  favor  of — 

NOAH    POKE, 

The  experienced  navigator,  who  will  conduct  the  ship  of 
state  into  the  haven  of  prosperity — the  practical  astronomer, 
who  knows  by  frequent  observations,  that  Lunars  are  not 
to  be  got  in  the  dark. 

Perpendiculars,  be  plumb,  and  lay  your  enemies  on  their 
backs! 

After  this,  I  fell  in  with-— 

THE  HONORABLE  ROBERT  SMUT 

Is  confidently  recommended  to  all  their  fellow-citizens  by 
the  nominating  committee  of  the  Anti-Approved-Sublimated- 
Politico-Tangents,  as  the  real  gentleman,  a  ripe  scholar,*  an 
enlightened  politician,  and  a  sound  democrat. 

But  I  should  fill  the  manuscript  with  nothing 
else,  were  I  to  record  a  tithe  of  the  commendations 
and  abuse  that  were  heaped  on  us  all,  by  a  com 
munity  to  whom,  as  yet,  we  were  absolutely  stran 
gers.  A  single  sample  of  the  latter  shall  suffice. 

AFFIDAVIT. 

Personally  appeared  before  me,  John  Equity,  Justice  of  the 
Peace,  Peter  Veracious,  &c.  &c.,  who,  being  duly  sworn 
upon  the  Holy  Evangelists,  doth  depose  and  say,  viz.  That  he 
was  intimately  acquainted  with  one  John  Goldencalf  in  his 
native  country,  and  that  he  is  personally  knowing  to  the  fact 
that  he,  the  said  John  Goldencalf,  has  three  wives,  seven 
illegitimate  children,  is  moreover  a  bankrupt  without  charac 
ter,  and  that  he  was  obliged  to  emigrate  in  consequence  of 
having  stolen  a  sheep. 

Sworn,  &c. 

(Signed,)        PETER  VERACIOUS. 

*  I  afterwards  found  this  was  a  common  phrase  in  Leaplow, 
being  uniformly  applied  to  every  monikin  who  wore  spectacles. 
12* 


138  THE    MONIKINS. 

I  naturally  felt  a  little  indignant  at  this  impudent 
statement,  and  was  about  to  call  upon  the  first 
passer-by  for  the  address  of  Mr.  Veracious,  when 
the  skirts  of  my  skin  were  seized  by  one  of  the 
Horizontal  nominating  committee,  and  I  was  co 
vered  with  congratulations  on  my  being  happily 
elected.  Success  is  an  admirable  plaster  for  all 
wounds,  and  I  really  forgot  to  have  the  affair  of 
the  sheep  and  of  the  illegitimate  children  inquired 
into;  although  I  still  protest,  that  had  fortune  been 
less  propitious,  the  rascal  who  promulgated  this 
calumny  would  have  been  made  to  smart  for  his 
temerity.  In  less  than  five  minutes  it  was  the  turn 
of  Captain  Poke.  He,  too,  was  congratulated  in 
due  form ;  for,  as  it  appeared,  the  "  immigrunt 
interest,"  as  Noah  termed  it,  had  actually  carried 
a  candidate  on  each  of  the  two  great  opposing 
tickets.  Thus  far,  all  was  well;  for,  after  snaring 
his  mess  so  long,  I  had  not  the  smallest  objection 
to  sit  in  the  Leaplow  parliament  with  the  worthy 
sealer;  but  our  mutual  surprise  and,  I  believe  I 
might  add,  indignation,  were  a  good  deal  excited, 
by  shortly  encountering  a  walking  notice,  which 
contained  a  programme  of  the  proceedings  to  be 
observed  at  the  "  Reception  of  the  Honorable  Ro 
bert  Smut." 

It  would  seem  that  the  Horizontals  and  the  Per 
pendiculars  had  made  so  many  spurious  and  mis- 
tified  ballots,  in  order  to  propitiate  the  Tangents, 
and  to  cheat  each  other,  that  this  young  blackguard 
actually  stood  at  the  head  of  the  poll ! — a  political 
phenomenon,  as  I  subsequently  discovered,  how 
ever,  by  no  means  of  rare  occurrence  in  the  Leap- 
low  history  of  the  periodical  selection  of  the  wisest 
and  best. 

There  was  certainly  an  accumulation  of  interest 
on  arriving  in  a  strange  land,  to  find  oneself  both 


THE    MON1KINS.  139 

extolled  and  vituperated  on  most  of  the  corners  of 
its  capital,  and  to  be  elected  to  its  parliament,  all  in 
the  same  day.  Still,  I  did  not  permit  myself  to  be 
either  so  much  elated  or  so  much  depressed,  as 
not  to  have  all  my  eyes  about  me,  in  order  to 
get  as  correctly  as  possible,  and  as  quickly  as  pos 
sible,  some  insight  into  the  characters,  tastes,  habits, 
wishes  and  wants  of  my  constituents. 

I  have  already  declared  that  it  is  my  intention 
to  dwell  chiefly  on  the  moral  excellencies  and 
peculiarities  of  the  people  of  the  monikin  world. 
Still  I  could  not  walk  through  the  streets  of  Bi 
vouac  without  observing  a  few  physical  usages, 
that  I  shall  mention,  because  they  have  an  evident 
connexion  with  the  state  of  society,  and  the  histo 
rical  recollections  of  this  interesting  portion  of  the 
polar  region. 

In  the  first  place,  I  remarked  that  all  sorts  of 
quadrupeds  are  just  as  much  at  home  in  the  pro 
menades  of  the  town,  as  the  inhabitants  themselves, 
a  fact  that  I  make  no  doubt  has  some  very  proper 
connexion  with  that  principle  of  equal  rights,  on 
which  the  institutions  of  the  country  are  established. 
In  the  second  place,  I  could  not  but  see  that  their 
dwellings  are  constructed  on  the  very  minimum 
of  base,  propping  each  other,  as  emblematic  of  the 
mutual  support  obtained  by  the  republican  system, 
and  seeking  their  development  in  height,  for  the 
want  of  breadth ;  a  singularity  of  customs  that  I 
did  not  hesitate  at  once  to  refer  to  a  usage  of 
living  in  trees,  at  an  epocha  not  very  remote.  In 
the  third  place,  I  noted,  instead  of  entering  their 
dwellings  near  the  ground,  like  men,  and  indeed 
like  most  other  unfledged  animals,  that  they  ascend 
by  means  of  external  steps,  to  an  aperture  about 
half-way  between  the  roof  and  the  earth,  where, 
having  obtained  admission,  they  go  up  or  down, 


140  THE   MON1K15S. 

within  the  building,  as  occasion  requires.  This 
usage,  I  made  no  question,  was  preserved  from 
the  period,  and  that,  too,  no  distant  one,  when  the 
savage  condition  of  the  country  induced  them  to 
seek  protection  against  the  ravages  of  wild  beasts, 
by  having  recourse  to  ladders,  which  were  drawn 
up  after  the  family,  into  the  top  of  the  tree,  as  the 
sun  sunk  beneath  the  horizon.  These  steps  or  lad 
ders  are  generally  made  of  some  white  material, 
in  order  that  they  may,  even  now,  be  found  in  the 
dark,  should  the  danger  be  urgent ;  although  I  do 
not  know  that  Bivouac  is  a  more  disorderly  or 
unsafe  town  than  another,  in  the  present  day.  But 
habits  linger  in  the  usages  of  a  people,  and  are 
often  found  to  exist  as  fashions,  long  after  the  motive 
of  their  origin  has  ceased  and  been  forgotten.  As 
a  proof  of  this,  many  of  the  dwellings  of  Bivouac 
have  still  enormous  iron  chevaux-de-frise  before 
the  doors,  and  near  the  base  of  the  stone-ladders ; 
a  practice  unquestionably  taken  from  the  original, 
unsophisticated,  domestic  defences  of  this  wary 
and  enterprising  race.  Among  a  great  many  of 
these  chevaux-de-frise,  I  remarked  certain  iron 
images,  that  resemble  the  kings  of  chess-men, 
and  which  I  took,  at  first,  to  be  symbols  of  the  cal 
culating  qualities  of  the  owners  of  the  mansions,  a 
species  of  republican  heraldry;  but  which  the  Bri 
gadier  told  me,  on  inquiry,  were  no  more  than  a 
fashion  that  had  descended  from  the  custom  of 
having  stuffed  images  before  the  doors,  in  the 
early  days  of  the  settlement,  to  frighten  away  the 
beasts  at  night,  precisely  as  we  station  scare 
crows  in  a  corn-field.  Two  of  these  well-padded 
sentinels,  with  a  stick  stuck  up  in  a  firelock-atti 
tude,  he  assured  me,  had  often  been  known  to  main 
tain  a  siege  of  a  week,  against  a  she-bear  and  a 
numerous  family  of  hungry  cubs,  in  the  olden 


THE    MONIKINS.  141 

times;  and,  now  that  the  danger  was  gone,  he 
presumed  the  families  which  had  caused  these 
iron  monuments  to  be  erected,  had  done  so  to  re 
cord  some  marvellous  risks  of  this-  nature,  from 
which  their  forefathers  had  escaped  by  means  of 
so  ingenious  an  expedient. 

Everything  in  Bivouac  bears  the  impress  of  the 
sublime  principle  of  the  institutions.  The  houses 
of  the  private  citizens,  for  instance,  overtop  the 
roofs  of  all  the  public  edifices,  to  show  that  the 
public  is  merely  a  servant  of  the  citizen.  Even 
the  churches  have  this  peculiarity,  proving  that 
the  road  to  heaven  is  not  independent  of  the  popu 
lar  will.  The  great  Hall  of  Justice,  an  edifice  of 
which  the  Bivouackers  are  exceedingly  proud,  is 
constructed  in  the  same  recumbent  style,  the  archi 
tect,  with  a  view  to  protect  himself  from  the 
imputation  of  believing  that  the  firmament  was 
within  reach  of  his  hand,  having  taken  the  precau 
tion  to  run  up  a  wooden  finger-board  from  the 
centre  of  the  building,  which  points  to  the  place 
where,  according  to  the  notions  of  all  other  people, 
the  ridge  of  the  roof  itself  should  have  been  raised. 
So  very  apparent  was  this  peculiarity,  Noah  ob 
served  that  it  seemed  to  him  as  if  the  whole 
"  'arth"  had  been  rolled  down  by  a  great  political 
rolling-pin,  by  way  of  giving  the  country  its  finish 
ing  touch. 

While  making  these  remarks,  one  drew  near  at 
a  brisk  trot,  who,  Mr.  Downright  observed,  eagerly 
desired  our  acquaintance.  Surprised  at  his  pre 
tending  to  know  such  a  fact  without  any  previous 
communication,  I  took  the  liberty  of  asking  why 
he  thought  that  we  were  the  particular  objects  of 
the  other's  haste. 

"  Simply  because  you  are  fresh  arrivals.  This 
person  is  one  of  a  sufficiently  numerous  class 


142  THE   MON1KINS. 

among  us,  who,  devoured  by  a  small  ambition, 
seek  notoriety — which,  by  the  way,  they  are 
near  obtaining  in  more  respects  than  they  proba 
bly  desire — by  obtruding  themselves  on  every 
stranger  who  touches  our  shore.  Theirs  is  not  a 
generous  and  frank  hospitality  that  would  fain 
serve  others,  but  an  irritable  vanity  that  would 
glorify  themselves.  The  liberal  and  enlightened 
monikin  is  easily  to  be  distinguished  from  all  of 
this  clique.  He  is  neither  ashamed  of,  nor  bigoted 
in  favor  of  any  usages,  simply  because  they  are 
domestic.  With  him  the  criterions  of  merit  are 
propriety,  taste,  expediency  and  fitness.  He  dis 
tinguishes,  while  these  crave ;  he  neither  wholly 
rejects,  nor  wholly  lives  by,  imitation,  but  judges 
for  himself,  and  uses  his  experience  as  a  respect 
able  and  useful  guide ;  while  these  think  that  all 
they  can  attain  that  is  beyond  the  reach  of  their 
neighbors,  is,  as  a  matter  of  course,  the  sole  aim 
of  life.  Strangers  they  seek,  because  they  have 
long  since  decreed  that  this  country,  with  its 
usages,  its  people,  and  all  it  contains,  being  found 
ed  on  popular  rights,  is  all  that  is  debased  and  vul 
gar,  themselves  and  a  few  of  their  own  particular 
friends  excepted ;  and  they  are  never  so  happy  as 
when  they  are  gloating  on,  and  basking  in,  the 
secondary  refinements  of  what  we  call  the  '  Old 
Region.'  Their  own  attainments,  however,  being 
pretty  much  God-sends,  or  such  as  we  all  pick  up 
in  our  daily  intercourse,  they  know  nothing  of  any 
foreign  country  but  Leaphigh,  whose  language  we 
happen  to  speak;  and,  as  Leaphigh  is  also  the  very 
beau  ideal  of  exclusion,  in  its  usages,  opinions  and 
laws,  they  deem  all  who  come  from  that  part  of 
the  earth,  as  rather  more  entitled  to  their  profound 
homage  than  any  other  strangers." 

Here  Judge  People's  Friend,  who  had  been  vigor- 


THE   MORIKINS.  143 

ously  pumping  the  nominating  committee  on  the 
subject  of  the  chances  of  the  little  wheel,  suddenly 
left  us,  with  a  sneaking,  self-abased  air,  and  with 
his  nose  to  the  ground,  like  a  dog  who  has  just 
caught  a  fresh  scent. 

The  next  time  we  met  the  ex-envoy,  he  was  in 
mourning  for  some  political  backsliding  that  I 
never  comprehended.  He  had  submitted  to  a 
fresh  amputation  of  the  bob,  and  had  so  thorough 
ly  humbled  the  seat  of  reason,  that  it  was  not 
possible  for  the  most  envious  and  malignant  dispo 
sition  to  fancy  he  had  a  particle  of  brains  left. 
He  had,  moreover,  caused  every  hair  to  be  shaved 
off  his  body,  which  was  as  naked  as  the  hand, 
and  altogether  he  presented  an  edifying  picture 
of  penitence  and  self-abasement.  I  afterwards 
understood  that  this  purification  was  considered 
perfectly  satisfactory,  and  that  he  was  thought  to 
be,  again,  within  the  limits  of  the  most  Patriotic 
Patriots. 

In  the  mean  time  the  Bivouacker  had  approach 
ed  me,  and  was  introduced  as  Mr.  Gilded  Wriggle. 

"  Count  Poke  de  Stunin'tun,  my  good  sir,"  said 
the  Brigadier,  who  was  the  master  of  ceremonies 
on  this  occasion,  "and  the  Mogul  Goldencalf — 
both  noblemen  of  ancient  lineage,  admirable  privi 
leges,  and  of  the  purest  water ; — gentlemen,  who, 
when  they  are  at  home,  have  six  dinners  daily, 
always  sleep  on  diamonds,  and  whose  castles  are 
none  of  them  less  than  six  leagues  in  extent." 

"My  friend  General  Downright  has  taken  too 
much  pains,  gentlemen,"  interrupted  our  new  ac 
quaintance,  "  your  rank  and  extraction  being  self- 
evident.  Welcome  to  Leaplow !  I  beg  you  will 
make  free  with  my  house,  my  dog,  my  cat,  my 
horse,  and  myself.  I  particularly  beg  that  your 
first,  your  last,  and  all  the  intermediate  visits,  will 


144  THE   MONIKINS. 

be  to  me.  Well,  Mogul,  what  do  you  really  think 
of  us  ?  You  have  now  been  on  shore  long  enough 
to  have  formed  a  pretty  accurate  notion  of  our 
institutions  and  habits.  I  beg  you  will  not  judge 
of  all  of  us  by  what  you  see  in  the  streets " 

"  It  is  not  my  intention,  sir." 

"  You  are  cautious,  I  perceive  ! — We  are  in  an 
awful  condition,  I  confess;  trampled  on  by  the 
vulgar,  and  far — very  far  from  being  the  people 
that,  I  dare  say,  you  expected  to  see.  I  couldn't 
be  made  the  assistant  alderman  of  my  ward,  if  I 
wished  it,  sir;  too  much  jacobinism — the  people 
are  fools,  sir;  know  nothing,  sir;  not  fit  to  rule 
themselves,  much  less  their  betters,  sir — here  have 
a  set  of  us,  some  hundreds  in  this  very  town,  been 
telling  them  what  fools  they  are,  how  unfit  they 
are  to  manage  their  own  affairs,  and  how  fast 
they  are  going  to  the  devil,  any  time  these  twenty 
years,  and  still  we  have  not  yet  persuaded  them  to 
intrust  one  of  us  with  authority !  To  say  the  truth, 
we  are  in  a  most  miserable  condition;  and  if  any 
thing  could  ruin  this  country,  democracy  would 
have  ruined  it,  just  thirty-five  years  ago." 

Here  the  waitings  of  Mr.  Wriggle  were  inter 
rupted  by  the  wailings  of  Count  Poke  de  Stunin'- 
tun.  The  latter,  by  gazing  in  admiration  at  the 
speaker,  had  inadvertently  struck  his  toe  against 
one  of  the  forty-three  thousand  seven  hundred  and 
sixty  inequalities  of  the  pavement,  (for  everything 
in  Leaplow  is  exactly  equal,  except  the  streets  and 
highways,)  and  fallen  forward  on  his  nose.  I  have 
already  had  occasion  to  allude  to  the  sealer's  rea 
diness  in  using  opprobrious  epithets.  This  contre- 
tems  happened  in  the  principal  street  of  Bivouac, 
or  in  what  is  called  the  Wide-path,  an  avenue  of 
more  than  a  league  in  extent;  but,  notwithstanding 
its  great  length,  Noah  took  it  up  at  one  end  and 


THE   MONIKINS.  145 

abused  it  all  the  way  to  the  other,  with  a  preci 
sion,  fidelity,  rapidity  and  point,  that  excited  gene 
ral  admiration.  "  It  was  the  dirtiest,  worst  paved, 
meanest,  vilest  street  he  had  ever  seen,  and  if  they 
had  it  at  Stunin'tun,  instead  of  using  it  as  a  street 
at  all,  they  would  fence  it  up  at  each  end,  and  turn 
it  into  a  hog-lot."  Here  Brigadier  Downright 
betrayed  unequivocal  signs  of  alarm.  Drawing  us 
aside,  he  vehemently  demanded  of  the  Captain,  if 
he  were  mad,  to  berate  in  this  unheard-of  manner, 
the  touchstone  of  Bivouac  sentiment,  nationality, 
taste  and  elegance!  This  street  was  never  spoken 
of  except  by  the  use  of  superlatives;  a  usage,  by  the 
way,  that  Noah  himself  had  by  no  means  neglected. 
It  was  commonly  thought  to  be  the  longest  and 
the  shortest,  the  widest  and  the  narrowest,  the 
best  built  and  the  worst  built  avenue  in  the  uni 
verse.  "  Whatever  you  say  or  do,"  he  continued, 
"  whatever  you  think  or  believe,  never  deny  the 
superlatives  of  the  Wide-path.  If  asked  if  you  ever 
saw  a  street  so  crowded,  although  there  be  room 
to  wheel  a  regiment,  swear  it  is  stifling;  if  required 
to  name  another  promenade  so  free  from  interrup 
tion,  protest  by  your  soul,  that  the  place  is  a  des 
ert  !  Say  what  you  will  of  the  institutions  of  the 
country " 

"  How !"  I  exclaimed ;  "  of  the  sacred  rights  of 
monikins !" 

"Bedaub  them,  and  the  mass  of  the  monikins, 
too,  with  just  as  much  filth  as  you  please.  Indeed, 
if  you  wish  to  circulate  freely  in  genteel  society,  I 
would  advise  you  to  get  a  pretty  free  use  of  the 
words  *  jacobins,'  '  rabble,'  '  mob,'  *  agrarians,' 
'canatilej  and  'democrats;'  for  they  recommend 
many  to  notice  who  possess  nothing  else.  In  our 
happy  and  independent  country,  it  is  a  sure  sign 
of  lofty  sentiments,  a  finished  education,  a  regu- 

VOL,  II.  13 


146  THE   MONIKINS. 

lated  intellect,  and  a  genteel  intercourse,  to  know 
how  to  bespatter  all  that  portion  of  your  fellow- 
creatures,  for  iastance,  who  live  in  one-story  edi 
fices." 

"I  find  all  this  very  extraordinary,  your  govern 
ment  being  professedly  a  government  of  the  mass !" 

"  You  have  intuitively  discovered  the  reason — 
is  it  not  fashionable  to  abuse  the  government  every 
where?  Whatever  you  do, *in  genteel  life,  ought 
to  be  based  on  liberal  and  elevated  principles;  and, 
therefore,  abuse  all  that  is  animate  in  Leaplow,  the 
present  company,  with  their  relatives  and  quadru 
peds,  excepted;  but  do  not  raise  your  blaspheming 
tongues  against  anything  that  is  inanimate !  Re 
spect,  I  entreat  of  you,  the  houses,  the  trees,  the 
rivers,  the  mountains,  and,  above  all,  in  Bivouac, 
respect  the  Wide-path  !  We  are  a  people  of  lively 
sensibilities,  and  are  tender  of  the  reputations  of 
even  our  stocks  and  stones.  Even  the  Leaplow 
philosophers  are  all  of  a  mind  on  this  subject." 

"  King !" 

"  Can  you  account  for  this  very  extraordinary 
peculiarity,  Brigadier  ?" 

"  Surely  you  cannot  be  ignorant  that  all  which 
is  property  is  sacred !  We  have  a  great  respect 
for  property,  sir,  and  do  not  like  to  hear  our  wares 
underrated.  But  lay  it  on  the  mass  so  much  the 
harder,  and  you  will  only  be  thought  to  be  in  pos 
session  of  a  superior  and  a  refined  intelligence." 

Here  we  turned  again  to  Mr.  Wriggle,  who 
was  dying  to  be  noticed  once  more. 

"Ah!  gentlemen,  last  from  Leaphigh  !" — he  had 
been  questioning  one  of  our  attendants — "How 
comes  on  that  great  and  consistent  people  ?" 

"As  usual,  sir; — great  and  consistent." 

"I  think,  however,  we  are  quite  their  equals, 
eh?— Chips  of  the  same  blocks?" 


THJS    MOtflKINS*  147 

"  No,  sir, — blocks  of  the  same  chips." 

Mr.  Wriggle  laughed,  and  appeared  pleased 
with  the  compliment ;  and  I  wished  I  had  even 
laid  it  on  a  little  thicker. 

"  Well,  Mogul,  what  are  our  great  forefathers 
about?  Still  pulling  to  pieces  that  sublime  fabric 
of  a  constitution,  which  has  so  long  been  the  won 
der  of  the  world,  and  my  especial  admiration  ?" 

"  They  are  talking  of  changes,  sir,  although  I 
believe  they  have  effected  no  great  matter.  The 
Primate  of  all  Leaphigh,  I  had  occasion  to  remark, 
still  has  seven  joints  to  his  tail." 

"  Ah !  they  are  a  wonderful  people,  sir !"  said 
Wriggle,  looking  ruefully  at  his  own  bob,  which, 
as  I  afterwards  understood,  was  a  mere  natural 
abortion.  "  I  detest  change,  sir ;  were  I  a  Leap- 
higher,  I  would  die  in  my  tail !" 

"  One  for  whom  Nature  has  done  so  much  in 
this  way,  is  to  be  excused  a  little  enthusiasm." 

"  A  most  miraculous  people,  sir — the  wonder  of 
the  world — and  their  institutions  are  the  greatest 
prodigy  of  the  times  !" 

"  That  is  well  remarked,  Wriggle,"  put  in  the 
Brigadier;  "for  they  have  been  tinkering  them, 
and  altering  them,  any  time  these  five  hundred  and 
fifty  years,  and  still  they  remain  precisely  the 
same !" 

"  Very  true,  Brigadier,  very  true — the  marvel 
of  our  times  !  But,  gentlemen,  what  do  you  indeed 
think  of  us  ?  I  shall  not  let  you  off  with  generali 
ties.  You  have  now  been  long  enough  on  shore 
to  have  formed  some  pretty  distinct  notions  about 
us,  and  I  confess  I  should  be  glad  to  hear  them. 
Speak  the  truth  with  candor — are  we  not  most 
miserable,  forlorn,  disreputable  devils,  after  all  ?" 

I  disclaimed  the  ability  to  judge  of  the  social 
condition  of  a  people  on  so  short  an  acquaintance,' 


148  THE  MON1KINS. 

but  to  this  Mr.  Wriggle  would  not  listen.  He  in 
sisted  that  I  must  have  been  particularly  disgusted 
with  the  coarseness  and  want  of  refinement  in  the 
rabble,  as  he  called  the  mass,  who,  by  the  way, 
had  already  struck  me  as  being  relatively  much 
the  better  part  of  the  population,  so  far  as  I  had 
seen  things ! — more  than  commonly  decent,  quiet 
and  civil.  Mr.  Wriggle,  also,  very  earnestly  and 
piteously  begged  I  would  not  judge  of  the  whole 
country  by  such  samples  as  I  might  happen  to  fall 
in  with  in  the  highways. 

"  I  trust,  Mogul,  you  will  have  charity  enough 
to  believe  we  are  not  all  of  us  quite  as  bad  as  ap 
pearances,  no  doubt,  make  us  in  your  polished 
eyes.  These  rude  beings  are  spoiled  by  our  Jaco 
binical  laws;  but  we  have  a  class,  sir,  that  is  dif 
ferent.  But,  if  you  will  not  touch  on  the  people, 
how  do  you  like  the  town,  sir  ?  A  poor  place,  no 
doubt,  after  your  own  ancient  capitals?" 

"  Time  will  remedy  all  that,  Mr.  Wriggle." 

"  Do  you  then  think  we  really  want  time ! — 
now,  that  house  at  the  corner,  there,  to  my  taste 
is  fit  for  a  gentleman  in  any  country — eh  ?" 

"  No  doubt,  sir ;  fit  for  one." 

"  This  is  but  a  poor  street  in  the  eyes  of  you 
travellers,  I  know,  this  Wide-path  of  ours;  though 
we  think  it  rather  sublime  ?" 

"  You  do  yourself  injustice,  Mr.  Wriggle — 
though  not  equal  to  many  of  the " 

"  How,  sir,  the  Wide-path  not  equal  to  anything 
on  earth  !  I  know  several  people  who  have  been 
in  the  old  world" — so  the  Leaplowers  call  the 
region  of  Leaphigh,  Leapup,  Leapdown,  &c. — 
"  and  they  swear  there  is  not  as  fine  a  street  in 
any  part  of  it.  I  have  not  had  the  good  fortune 
to  travel,  sir ;  but,  sir,  permit  me,  sir,  to  say,  sir, 
that  some  of  them,  sir,  that  have  travelled,  sir, 


THE   MON1KINS.  149 

think,  sir,  the  Wide-path,  sir,  the  most  magnificent 
public  avenue,  sir,  that  their  experienced  eyes 
ever  beheld,  sir — yes,  sir,  that  their  very  expe 
rienced  eyes  ever  beheld,  sir.'* 

"  I  have  seen  so  little  of  it,  as  yet,  Mr.  Wriggle, 
that  you  will  pardon  me  if  I  have  spoken  hastily." 

"  Oh !  no  offence — I  despise  the  monikin  who  is 
not  above  local  vanities  and  provincial  admira 
tion  !  You  ought  to  have  seen  that,  sir,  for  I 
frankly  admit,  sir,  that  no  rabble  can  be  worse 
than  ours,  and  that  we  are  all  going  to  the  devil, 
as  fast  as  ever  we  can.  No,  sir,  a  most  miserable 
rabble,  sir. — But  as  for  this  street,  and  our  houses, 
and  our  cats,  and  our  dogs,  and  certain  excep 
tions — you  understand  me,  sir — it  is  quite  a  differ 
ent  thing.  Pray,  Mogul,  who  is  the  greatest  per 
sonage,  now,  in  your  nation  ?" 

"  Perhaps  I  ought  to  say  the  Duke  of  Welling 
ton,  sir." 

"  Well,  sir,  allow  me  to  ask  if  he  lives  in  a  bet 
ter  house  than  that  before  us  1 — I  see  you  are  de 
lighted,  eh !  We  are  a  poor,  new  nation  of  pitiful 
traders,  sir,  half  savage,  as  everybody  knows;  but 
we  do  flatter  ourselves  that  we  know  how  to  build 
a  house!  Will  you  just  step  in  and  see  a  new 
sofa  that  its  owner  bought  only  yesterday — I  know 
him  intimately,  and  nothing  gives  him  so  much 
pleasure  as  to  show  his  new  sofa." 

I  declined  the  invitation  on  the  plea  of  fatigue, 
and  by  this  means  got  rid  of  so  troublesome  an 
acquaintance.  On  leaving  me,  however,  he  begged 
that  I  would  not  fail  to  make  his  house  my  home, 
swore  terribly  at  the  rabble,  and  invited  me  to 
admire  a  very  ordinary  view  that  was  to  be 
obtained  by  looking  up  the  Wide-path  in  a  particu 
lar  direction,  but  which  embraced  his  own  abode. 
When  Mr.  Wriggle  was  fairly  out  of  ear-shot,  I 
13* 


150  THE    MOMK1N6. 

demanded  of  the  Brigadier  if  Bivouac,  or  Leap- 
low,  contained  many  such  prodigies. 

"  Enough  to  make  themselves  very  troublesome, 
and  us  ridiculous,"  returned  Mr.  Downright. 
"  We  are  a  young  nation,  Sir  John,  covering  a 
great  surface,  with  a  comparatively  small  popula 
tion,  and,  as  you  are  aware,  separated  from  the 
older  parts  of  the  monikin  region  by  a  belt  of 
ocean.  In  some  respects  we  are  like  people  in  the 
country,  and  we  possess  the  merits  and  failings 
of  those  who  are  so  situated.  Perhaps  no  nation 
has  a  larger  share  of  reflecting  and  essentially 
respectable  inhabitants  than  Leaplow;  but,  not 
satisfied  with  being  what  circumstances  so  admi 
rably  fit  them  to  be,  there  is  a  clique  among  us, 
who',  influenced  by  the  greater  authority  of  older 
nations,  pine  to  be  that  which  neither  nature,  edu 
cation,  manners  nor  facilities  will  just  yet  allow 
them  to  become.  In  short,  sir,  we  have  the  beset 
ting  sin  of  a  young  community — imitation.  In  our 
case  the  imitation  is  not  always  happy,  either;  it 
being  necessarily  an  imitation  that  is  founded  on 
descriptions.  If  the  evil  were  limited  to  mere 
social  absurdities,  it  might  be  laughed  at — but 
that  inherent  desire  of  distinction,  which  is  the 
most  morbid  and  irritable,  unhappily,  in  the  minds 
of  those  who  are  the  least  able  to  attain  anything 
more  than  a  very  vulgar  notoriety,  is  just  as  active 
here,  as  it  is  elsewhere;  and  some  who  have  got 
wealth,  and  and  wrho  can  never  get  more  than 
what  is  purely  dependent  on  wealth,  affect  to  des 
pise  those  who  are  not  as  fortunate  as  themselves 
in  this  particular.  In  their  longings  for  pre-emi 
nence,  they  turn  to  other  states — Leaphigh  more 
especially,  which  is  the  beau  ideal  of  all  nations 
and  people,  who  wish  to  set  up  a  caste  in  opposition 
to  despotism — for  rules  of  thought,  and  declaim 


. 


TKE    MONIKINS.  151 

against  that  very  mass  which  is  at  the  bottom  of 
all  their  prosperity,  by  obstinately  refusing  to  allow 
of  any  essential  innovation  on  the  common  rights. 
In  addition  to  these  social  pretenders,  we  have  our 
political  Endoctrinated." 

"Endoctrinated!  Will  you  explain  the  meaning 
of  the  term  ?" 

"  Sir,  an  Endoctrinated  is  one  of  a  political 
school  who  holds  to  the  validity  of  certain  theories 
which  have  been  made  to  justify  a  set  of  adventi 
tious  facts,  as  is  eminently  the  case  in  our  own 
great  model,  Leaphigh.  We  are  peculiarly  placed 
in  this  country.  Here,  as  a  rule,  facts — meaning 
political  and  social  facts — are  greatly  in  advance 
of  opinion,  simply  because  the  former  are  left 
chiefly  to  their  own  free  action,  and  the  latter  is 
necessarily  trammelled  by  habit  and  prejudice; 
while  in  the  *  old-region'  opinion,  as  a  rule,  and 
meaning  the  leading  or  better  opinion,  is  greatly 
in  advance  of  facts,  because  facts  are  restrained 
by  usage  and  personal  interests,  and  opinion  is 
incited  by  study,  and  the  necessity  of  change." 

"Permit  me  to  say,  Brigadier,  that  I  find  your 
present  institutions  a  remarkable  result  to  follow 
such  a  state  of  things." 

"  They  are  a  cause,  rather  than  a  consequence. 
Opinion,  as  a  whole,  is  everywhere  on  the  advance; 
and  it  is  further  advanced,  even  here,  as  a  whole, 
than  anywhere  else.  Accident  has  favored  the 
foundation  of  the  social  compact;  and  once  found 
ed,  the  facts  have  been  hastening  to  their  consum 
mation  faster  than  the  monikin  mind  has  been  able 
to  keep  company  with  them.  This  is  a  remarka 
ble  but  true  state  of  the  whole  region.  In  other 
monikin  countries,  you  see  opinion  tugging  at  root 
ed  practices,  and  making  desperate  efforts  to  eradi 
cate  them  from  their  bed  of  vested  interests,  while 


152  THE    MONIK1NS. 

here  you  see  facts  dragging  opinion  after  them  like 
a  tail  wriggling  behind  a  kite.*  As  to  our  purely 
social  imitation  and  social  follies,  absurd  as  they 
are,  they  are  necessarily  confined  to  a  small  and  an 
immaterial  class ;  but  the  Endoclrinated  spirit  is  a 
much  more  serious  affair.  That  unsettles  confi 
dence,  innovates  on  the  right,  often  innocently  and 
ignorantly,  and  causes  the  vessel  of  state  to  sail 
like  a  ship  with  a  drag  towing  in  her  wake." 

"  This  is  truly  a  novel  condition  for  an  enlight 
ened  monikin  nation !" 

"No  doubt,  men  manage  better;  but  of  all  this 
you  will  learn  more  in  the  Great  Council.  You 
may,  perhaps,  think  it  strange  that  our  facts 
should  preserve  their  ascendency  in  opposition  to 
so  powerful  a  foe  as  opinion ;  but  you  will  remem 
ber  that  a  great  majority  of  our  people,  if  not  abso 
lutely  on  a  level  with  circumstances,  being  purely 
practical,  are  much  nearer  to  this  level,  than  the 
class  termed  the  Endoctrinated.  The  last  are  trou 
blesome  and  delusive,  rather  than  overwhelming." 

"  To  return  to  Mr.  Wriggle — is  his  sect  nume 
rous  ?" 

"  His  class  flourishes  most  in  the  towns.  In 
Leaplow  we  are  greatly  in  want  of  a  capital,  where 
the  cultivated,  educated,  and  well-mannered  can 
assemble,  and,  placed  by  their  habits  and  tastes 


*  One  would  think  that  Brigadier  Downright  had  lately  paid 
a  visit  to  our  own  happy  and  much  enlightened  land.  Fifty 
years  since,  the  negro  was  a  slave  in  New- York,  and  incapa 
ble  of  contracting  marriage  with  a  white.  Facts  ha\«e,  how 
ever,  been  progressive;  and,  from  one  privilege  to  another, 
he  has  at  length  obtained  that  of  consulting  his  own  tastes  in 
this  matter,  and,  so  far  as  he  himself  is  concerned,  of  doing 
as  he  pleases.  This  is  the  fact ;  but  he  who  presumes  to 
speak  of  it,  has  his  windows  broken  by  opinion,  for  his  pains ! 

Note  by  the  Editor. 


THE    MOXIKIKS.  153 

above  the  ordinary  motives  and  feelings  of  the  less 
instructed,  they  might  form  a  more  healthful,  inde 
pendent,  appropriate,  and  manly  public  sentiment 
than  that  which  now  pervades  the  country.  As 
things  are,  the  real  elite  of  this  community  are  so 
scattered,  as  rather  to  receive  an  impression  from, 
than  to  impart  one  to  society.  The  Leaplow  Wrig 
gles,  as  you  have  just  witnessed,  are  selfish  and 
exacting  as  to  their  personal  pretensions,  irritably 
confident  as  to  the  merit  of  any  particular  excel 
lence  which  limits  their  own  experience,  and  furi 
ously  proscribing  to  those  whom  they  fancy  less 
fortunate  than  themselves." 

"  Good  Heavens ! — Brigadier — all  this  is  exces 
sively  human !" 

"Ah !  it  is — is  it?  Well,  this  is  certainly  the  way 
with  us  monikins.  Our  Wriggles  are  ashamed  of 
exactly  that  portion  of  our  population  of  which 
they  have  most  reason  to  be  proud,  viz.  the  mass ; 
and  they  are  proud  of  precisely  that  portion  of 
which  they  have  most  reason  to  be  ashamed,  viz. 
themselves.  But  plenty  of  opportunities  will  offer 
to  look  farther  into  this ;  and  we  will  now  hasten  to 
the  inn." 

As  the  Brigadier  appeared  to  chafe  under  the 
subject,  I  remained  silent,  following  him  as  fast  as 
I  could,  but  keeping  my  eyes  open,  the  reader  may 
be  very  sure,  as  we  went  along.  There  was  one 
peculiarity  I  could  not  but  remark  in  this  singular 
town.  It  was  this : — all  the  houses  were  smeared 
over  with  some  coloured  earth,  and  then,  after  all 
this  pains  had  been  taken  to  cover  the  material,  an 
artist  was  employed  to  make  white  marks  around 
every  separate  particle  of  the  fabric,  (and  they 
were  in  millions,)  which  ingenious  particularity 
gives  the  dwellings  a  most  agreeable  air  of  detail, 
imparting  to  the  architecture,  in  general,  a  sublimity 


154  THE   MONIKINS. 

that  is  based  on  the  multiplication  table.  If  to 
this  be  added  the  black  of  the  chevaux-de-frise,  the 
white  of  the  entrance-ladders,  and  a  sort  of  stand 
ing-collar  to  the  whole,  immediately  under  the 
eaves,  of  some  very  dazzling  hue,  the  effect  is  not 
unlike  that  of  a  platoon  of  drummers,  in  scarlet 
coats,  cotton  lace,  and  cuffs  and  capes  of  white. 
What  renders  the  similitude  more  striking,  is  the 
fact  that  no  two  of  the  same  platoon  appear  to  be 
exactly  of  a  size,  as  is  very  apt  to  be  the  case  with 
your  votaries  in  military  music. 


CHAPTER  X. 

A  fundamental  principle,  a  fundamental  law,  and  a  funda 
mental  error. 

THE  people  of  Leaplow  are  remarkable  for  the 
deliberation  of  their  acts,  the  moderation  of  their 
views,  and  the  accumulation  of  their  wisdom.  As 
a  matter  of  course,  such  a  people  is  never  in  an 
indecent  haste.  Although  I  had  now  been  legally 
naturalized,  and  regularly  elected  to  the  Great 
Council  fully  twenty-four  hours,  three  entire  days 
were  allowed  for  the  study  of  the  institutions,  and 
to  become  acquainted  with  the  genius  of  a  nation 
who,  according  to  their  own  account  of  the  mat 
ter,  have  no  parallel  in  heaven  or  earth,  or  in  the 
waters  under  the  earth,  before  I  was  called  upon 
to  exercise  my  novel  and  important  functions.  I 
profited  by  the  delay,  and  shall  seize  a  favorable 
moment  to  make  the  reader  acquainted  with  some 
of  my  acquisitions  on  this  interesting  topic. 

The  institutions  of  Leaplow  are  divided  into  two 
great  moral  categories,  viz.  the  legal,  and  the  sub- 
stitutive.  The  former  embraces  the  provisions  of 


THE   MOMKINS.  155 

the  great  elementary,  and  the  latter  all  the  provi 
sions  of  the  great  alimentary  principle.  The  first, 
accordingly,  is  limited  by  the  constitution,  or  the 
Great  National  Allegory,  while  the  last  is  limited 
by  nothing  but  practice;  one  contains  the  proposi 
tion,  and  the  other  its  deductions ;  this  is  all  hypo 
thesis,  that,  all  corollary.  The  two  great  political 
land-marks,  the  two  public  opinions,  the  bob-upon- 
bobs,  the  rotatory  action,  and  the  great  and  little 
wheels,  are  merely  inferential ;  and  I  shall,  there 
fore,  say  nothing  about  them  in  my  present  treatise, 
which  has  a  strict  relation  only  to  the  fundamental 
law  of  the  land,  or  to  the  Great  and  Sacred  Na 
tional  Allegory. 

It  has  been  already  stated  that  Leaplow  was  ori 
ginally  a  scion  of  Leaphigh.  The  political  separation 
took  place  in  the  last  generation,  when  the  Leap- 
lowers  publicly  renounced  Leaphigh  and  all  it  con 
tained,  just  as  your  catechumen  is  made  to  renounce 
the  devil  and  all  his  works.  This  renunciation, 
which  is  also  sometimes  called  the  denunciation, 
was  much  more  to  the  liking  of  Leaplow  than  to 
that  of  Leaphigh ;  and  a  long  and  sanguinary  war 
was  the  consequence.  The  Leaplowers,  after  a 
smart  struggle,  however,  prevailed  in  their  firm 
determination  to  have  no  more  to  do  with  Leap- 
high.  The  sequel  will  show  how  far  they  were 
right. 

Even  preceding  the  struggle,  so  active  was  the 
sentiment  of  patriotism  and  independence,  that  the 
citizens  of  Leaplow,  though  ill-provided  with  the 
productions  of  their  own  industry,  proudly  resort 
ed  to  the  self-denial  of  refusing  to  import  even  a 
pin  from  the  mother  country,  actually  preferring 
nakedness  to  submission.  They  even  solemnly  voted 
that  their  venerable  progenitor,  instead  of  being,  as 
she  clearly  ought  to  have  been,  a  fond,  protecting 


156  THE   MONIKINS. 

and  indulgent  parent,  was,  in  truth,  no  other  than 
a  rapacious,  vindictive  and  tyrannical  step-mother. 
This  was  the  opinion,  it  will  be  remembered,  when 
the  two  communities  were  legally  united,  had  but 
one  head,  wore  clothes,  and  necessarily  pursued  a 
multitude  of  their  interests  in  common. 

By  the  lucky  termination  of  the  war,  all  this  was 
radically  changed.  Leaplow  pointed  her  thumb 
at  Leaphigh,  and  declared  her  intention  henceforth 
to  manage  her  own  affairs  in  her  own  way.  In 
order  to  do  this  the  more  effectually,  and,  at  the 
same  time,  to  throw  dirt  into  the  countenance  of 
her  late  step-mother,  she  determined  that  her  own 
polity  should  run  so  near  a  parallel,  and  yet  should 
be  so  obviously  an  improvement  on  that  of  Leap- 
high,  as  to  demonstrate  the  imperfections  of  the 
latter  to  the  most  superficial  observer.  That  this 
patriotic  resolution  was  faithfully  carried  out  in 
practice,  I  am  now  about  to  demonstrate. 

In  Leaphigh,  the  old  human  principle  had  long 
prevailed,  that  political  authority  came  from  God  ; 
though  why  such  a  theory  should  ever  have  pre 
vailed  anywhere,  as  Mr.  Downright  once  expressed 
it,  I  cannot  see,  the  devil  very  evidently  having  a 
greater  agency  in  its  exercise  than  any  other  influ 
ence,  or  intelligence,  whatever.  However,  the  jus 
divinum  was  the  regulator  of  the  Leaphigh  social 
compact,  until  the  nobility  managed  to  get  the  bet 
ter  of  the  jus,  when  the  divinum  was  left  to  shift 
for  itself.  It  was  at  this  epocha  the  present  con 
stitution  found  its  birth.  Any  one  may  have  ob 
served  that  one  stick  placed  on  end  will  fall,  as  a 
matter  of  course,  unless  rooted  in  the  earth.  Two 
sticks  fare  no  better,  even  with  their  tops  united ; 
but  three  sticks  form  a  standard.  This  simple  and 
beautiful  idea  gave  rise  to  the  polity  of  Leaphigh. 
Three  moral  props  were  erected  in  the  midst  of  the 


THE    MONIKINS.  157 

community,  at  the  foot  of  one  of  which  was  placed 
the  King,  to  prevent  it  from  slipping ;  for  all  the 
danger,  under  such  a  system,  came  from  that  of 
the  base  slipping ;  at  the  foot  of  the  second,  the  no 
bles  ;  and  at  the  foot  of  the  third,  the  people.  On 
the  summit  of  this  tripod  was  raised  the  machine 
of  state.  This  was  found  to  be  a  capital  invention 
in  theory,  though  practice,  as  practice  is  very  apt 
to  do,  subjected  it  to  some  essential  modifications. 
The  King,  having  his  stick  all  his  own  way,  gave 
a  great  deal  of  trouble  to  the  two  other  sets  of 
stick-holders ;  and,  unwilling  to  disturb  the  theory, 
for  that  was  deemed  to  be  irrevocably  settled  and 
sacred,  the  nobility,  who,  for  their  own  particular 
convenience,  paid  the  principal  workmen  at  the 
base  of  the  people's  stick  to  stand  steady,  set  about 
the  means  of  keeping  the  King's  stick,  also,  in  a 
more  uniform  and  serviceable  attitude.  It  was  on 
this  occasion  that,  discovering  the  King  never  could 
keep  his  end  of  the  great  social  stick  in  the  place 
where  he  had  sworn  to  keep  it,  they  solemnly  de 
clared  that  he  must  have  forgotten  where  the  con 
stitutional  foot-hole  was,  and  that  he  had  irretriev 
ably  lost  his  memory, — a  decision  that  was  the 
remote  cause  of  the  recent  calamity  of  Captain 
Poke.  The  King  was  no  sooner  constitutionally 
deprived  of  his  memory,  than  it  was  an  easy  matter 
to  strip  him  of  all  his  other  faculties ;  after  which 
it  was  humanely  decreed,  as  indeed  it  ought  to  be 
in  the  case  of  a  being  so  destitute,  that  he  could  do 
no  wrong.  By  way  of  following  out  the  idea  on  a 
humane  and  Christian-like  principle,  and  in  order 
to  make  one  part  of  the  practice  conform  to  the 
other,  it  was  shortly  after  determined  that  he  should 
do  nothing ;  his  eldest  first-cousin  of  the  masculine 
gender  being  legally  proclaimed  his  substitute.  In 
the  end,  the  crimson  curtain  was  drawn  before  the 
VOL.  II.  14 


158  THE    MONIKINS. 

throne.  As,  however,  this  cousin  might  begin  to 
wriggle  the  stick  in  his  turn,  and  derange  the  bal 
ance  of  the  tripod,  the  other  two  sets  of  stick-holders 
next  decided  that,  though  his  Majesty  had  an  unde 
niable  constitutional  right  to  say  who  should  be  his 
eldest  first-cousin  of  the  masculine  gender,  they  had 
an  undoubted  constitutional  right  to  say  who  he 
should  not  be.  The  result  of  all  this  was  a  compro 
mise  ;  his  Majesty,  who,  like  other  people,  found  the 
sweets  of  authority  more  palatable  than  the  bitter, 
agreeing  to  get  up  on  top  of  the  tripod,  where  he 
might  appear  seated  on  the  machine  of  state,  to 
receive  salutations,  and  eat  and  drink  in  peace, 
leaving  the  others  to  settle  among  themselves  who 
should  do  the  work  at  the  bottom,  as  well  as  they 
could.  In  brief,  such  is  the  history,  and  such  was 
the  polity,  of  Leaphigh,  when  I  had  the  honor  of 
visiting  that  country. 

The  Leaplowers  were  resolute  to  prove  that  all 
this  was  radically  wrong.  They  determined,  in  the 
first  place,  that  there  should  be  but  one  great  social 
beam ;  and,  in  order  that  it  should  stand  perfectly 
steady,  they  made  it  the  duty  of  every  citizen  to 
prop  its  base.  They  liked  the  idea  of  a  tripod 
well  enough,  but,  instead  of  setting  one  up  in  the 
Leaphigh  fashion,  they  just  reversed  its  form,  and 
stuck  it  on  top  of  their  beam,  legs  uppermost,  placing 
a  separate  agent  on  each  leg,  to  work  their  machine 
of  state ;  taking  care,  also,  to  send  a  new  one  aloft 
periodically.  They  reasoned  thus:  If  one  of  the 
Leaphigh  beams  slip — and  they  will  be  very  apt  to 
slip  in  wet  weather,  with  the  King,  nobles,  and  peo 
ple  wriggling  and  shoving  against  each  other — down 
will  come  the  whole  machine  of  state,  or,  to  say 
the  least,  it  will  get  so  much  awry  as  never  to 
work  as  well  as  at  first;  and  therefore  we  will 
have  none  of  it.  If,  on  the  other  hand,  one  of  our 


THE   MONIK1KS.  159 

agents  makes  a  blunder  and  falls,  why,  he  will  only 
break  his  own  neck.  He  will,  moreover,  fall  in  the 
midst  of  us,  and,  should  he  escape  with  life,  we  can 
either  catch  him  and  throw  him  back  again,  or  we 
can  send  a  better  hand  up  in  his  place,  to  serve  out 
the  rest  of  his  time.  They  also  maintain  that  one 
beam,  supported  by  all  the  citizens,  is  much  less 
likely  to  slip  than  three  beams,  supported  by  three 
powers  of  very  uncertain,  not  to  say  unequal,  forces. 

Such,  in  effect,  is  the  substance  of  the  respective 
National  Allegories  of  Leaphigh  and  of  Leaplow  ; 
I  say  Allegories,  for  both  governments  seem  to  rely 
on  this  ingenious  form  of  exhibiting  their  great  dis 
tinctive  national  sentiments.  It  would,  in  fact,  be 
an  improvement,  were  all  constitutions  henceforth 
to  be  written  in  this  manner,  since  they  would  ne 
cessarily  be  more  explicit,  intelligible,  and  sacred, 
than  they  are  by  the  present  attempt  at  literality. 

Having  explained  the  governing  principles  of 
these  two  important  states,  I  now  crave  the  reader's 
attention,  for  a  moment,  while  I  go  a  little  into  the 
details  of  the  modus  operandi,  in  both  cases. 

Leaphigh  acknowledged  a  principle,  in  the  outset, 
that  Leaplow  totally  disclaimed,  viz.  that  of  pri 
mogeniture.  Being  an  only  child  myself,  and  having 
no  occasion  for  research  on  this  interesting  subject, 
I  never  knew  the  basis  of  this  peculiar  right,  until 
I  came  to  read  the  great  Leaphigh  commentator, 
Whiterock,  on  the  governing  rules  of  the  social 
compact.  I  there  found  that  the  first-born,  morally 
considered,  is  thought  to  have  better  claims  to 
the  honors  of  the  genealogical  tree,  on  the  father's 
side,  than  these  offspring  whose  origin  is  to  be 
referred  to  a  later  period  in  connubial  life.  On  this 
obvious  and  highly  discriminating  principle,  the 
crown,  the  rights  of  the  nobles,  and  indeed  all 
other  rights,  are  transferred  from  father  to  son, 


160  THE   MON1K1NS. 

in  the  direct  male  line,  according  to  primogeniture. 

Nothing  of  this  is  practised  in  Leaplow.  There, 
the  supposition  of  legitimacy  is  as  much  in  favor 
of  the  youngest  as  of  the  oldest  born,  and  the  prac 
tice  is  in  conformity.  As  there  is  no  hereditary 
chief  to  poise  on  one  of  the  legs  of  the  great  tripod, 
the  people  at  the  foot  of  the  beam  choose  one 
from  among  themselves,  periodically,  who  is  called 
the  Great  Sachem.  The  same  people  choose  an 
other  set,  few  in  number,  who  occupy  a  common 
seat,  on  another  leg.  These  they  term  the  Riddles. 
Another  set,  still  more  numerous  and  popular  in 
aspect,  if  not  in  fact,  fills  a  large  seat  on  the  third 
leg.  These  last,  from  their  being  supposed  to  be 
supereminently  popular  and  disinterested,  are  fami 
liarly  known  as  the  Legion.  They  are  also  pleas 
ingly  nicknamed  the  Bobees,  an  appellation  that 
took  its  rise  in  the  circumstance  that  most  of  the 
members  of  their  body  have  submitted  to  the  second 
dock,  and,  indeed,  have  nearly  obliterated  every 
sign  of  a  cauda.  I  had,  most  luckily,  been  chosen 
to  sit  in  the  House  of  Bobees,  a  station  for  which  I 
felt  myself  to  be  well  qualified,  in  this  great  essen 
tial  at  least ;  for  all  the  anointing  and  forcing  re 
sorted  to  by  Noah  and  myself,  during  our  voyage 
out,  and  our  residence  in  Leaphigh,  had  not  pro 
duced  so  much  as  a  visible  sprout  in  either. 

The  Great  Sachem,  the  Riddles,  and  the  Legion, 
had  conjoint  duties  to  perform,  in  certain  respects, 
and  separate  duties,  in  others.  All  three,  as  they 
owed  their  allegorical  elevation  to,  so  were  they 
dependent  on,  the  people  at  the  foot  of  the  great 
social  stick,  for  approbation  and  reward, — that  is 
to  say,  for  all  rewards  other  than  those  which  they 
have  it  in  their  power  to  bestow  on  themselves. 
There  was  another  authority,  or  agent  of  the  pub 
lic,  that  is  equally  perched  on  the  social  beam, 


THE   MONIKINS.  161 

though  not  quite  so  dependent  as  the  three  just 
named,  upon  the  main  prop  of  the  people, — being 
also  propped  by  a  mechanical  disposition  of  the 
tripod  itself.  These  are  termed  the  Supreme  Arbi 
trators,  and  their  duties  are  to  revise  the  acts  of  the 
other  three  agents  of  the  people,  and  to  decide 
whether  they  are  or  are  not  in  conformity  with  the 
recognized  principles  of  the  Sacred  Allegory. 

I  was  greatly  delighted  with  my  own  progress 
in  the  study  of  the  Leaplow  institutions.  In  the 
first  place,  I  soon  discovered  that  the  principal 
thing  was  to  reverse  the  political  knowledge  I  had 
acquired  in  Leaphigh,  as  one  would  turn  a  tub  up 
side-down,  when  he  wished  to  draw  from  its  stores 
at  a  fresh  end,  and  then  I  was  pretty  sure  of  being 
within  at  least  the  spirit  of  the  Leaplow  law.  Every 
thing  seemed  simple,  for  all  was  dependent  on  the 
common  prop,  at  the  base  of  the  great  social  beam. 

Having  got  a  thorough  insight  myself,  into  the 
governing  principles  of  the  system  under  which  I 
had  been  chosen  to  serve,  I  went  to  look  up  my 
colleague,  Captain  Poke,  in  order  to  ascertain  how 
he  understood  the  great  Leaplow  Allegory. 

I  found  the  mind  of  the  sealer,  according  to  a 
beautiful  form  of  speech  already  introduced  in  this 
narrative,  "  considerably  exercised,"  on  the  several 
subjects  that  so  naturally  presented  themselves  to 
a  man  in  his  situation.  In  the  first  place,  he  was 
in  a  towering  passion  at  the  impudence  of  Bob  in 
presuming  to  offer  himself  as  a  candidate  for  the 
Great  Council ;  and  having  offered  himself,  the  rage 
of  the  Captain  was  in  no  degree  abated  by  the  cir 
cumstance  of  the  young  rascal's  being  at  the  head 
of  the  poll.  He  most  unreservedly  swore  "  that,  no 
subordinate  of  his  should  ever  sit  in  the  same  legis 
lative  body  with  himself;  that  he  was  a  republican 
by  birth,  and  knew  the  usages  of  republican  go- 
14* 


162  THE   MON1K1NS, 

vernments  quite  as  well  as  the  best  patriot  among 
them ;  and  although  he  admitted  that  all  sorts  of 
critturs  were  sent  to  Congress  in  his  country,  no 
man  ever  knew  an  instance  of  a  cabin-boy's  being 
sent  there.  They  might  elect  just  as  much  as  they 
pleased ;  but  coming  ashore,  and  playing  politician, 
were  very  different  things  from  cleaning  his  boots, 
and  making  his  coffee,  and  mixing  his  grog."  The 
Captain  had  just  been  waited  on  by  a  committee 
of  the  Perpendiculars,  (half  the  Leaplow  commu 
nity  is  on  some  committee  or  other.)  by  wrhom  he 
had  been  elected,  and  they  had  given  notice,  that 
instructions  would  be  sent  in,  forthwith,  to  all  their 
representatives,  to  perform  Gyration  No.  3.,  as 
soon  after  the  meeting  of  the  Council  as  possi 
ble.  He  was  no  tumbler,  and  he  had  sent  for  a 
master  of  political  saltation,  who  had  just  been  with 
him,  practising.  According  to  Noah's  own  state 
ment,  his  success  was  any  thing  but  flattering.  "If 
they  would  give  a  body  room,  Sir  John,"  he  said, 
in  a  complaining  accent,  "  I  should  think  nothing 
of  it — but  you  are  expected  to  stand  shoulder  to 
shoulder — yard-arm  and  yard-arm,  —  and  throw 
a  flap-jack  as  handily  as  an  old  woman  would  toss 
a  johnny-cake!  It's  unreasonable  to  think  of  waring 
ship  without  room ;  but  give  me  room,  and  I'll  en 
gage  to  get  round  on  the  other  tack,  and  to  luff 
into  the  line  again,  as  safely  as  the  oldest  cruiser 
among  'em,  though  not  quite  so  quick.  They  do  go 
about  spitefully,  that 's  sartain !" 

Nor  were  the  Great  National  Allegories  without 
their  difficulties.  Noah  perfectly  understood  the 
images  of  the  two  tripods,  though  he  was  disposed 
to  think  that  neither  was  properly  secured.  A  mast 
would  make  but  bad  weather,  he  maintained,  let  it 
be  ever  so  well  rigged  and  stay'd,  without  being 
also  securely  stepped.  He  saw  no  use  in  trusting 
the  heels  of  the  beams  to  anybody.  Good  lashings 


THE   MOMK1NS,  163 

were  what  were  wanted,  and  then  the  people  might 
go  about  their  private  affairs,  and  no  fear  the  work 
would  fall.  That  the  King  of  Leaphigh  had  no 
memory,  he  could  testify  from  bitter  experience ; 
nor  did  he  believe  that  he  had  any  conscience ;  and, 
chiefly  he  desired  to  know  if  we,  when  we  got  up 
into  our  places  on  top  of  the  three  inverted  beams, 
among  the  other  Bobees,  were  to  make  war  on  the 
Great  Sachem  and  the  Riddles,  or  whether  we 
were  to  consider  the  whole  affair  as  a  good  thing, 
in  wrhich  the  wisest  course  would  be  to  make  fair 
weather  of  it  ? 

To  all  these  remarks  and  questions,  I  answered 
as  well  as  my  owrn  limited  experience  would  allow; 
taking  care  to  inform  my  friend  that  he  had  con 
ceived  the  whole  matter  a  little  too  literally,  as  all 
that  he  had  been  reading  about  the  great  political 
beams,  the  tripods,  and  the  legislative  boxes,  was 
merely  an  allegory. 

"  And  pray,  then,  Sir  John,  what  may  an  alle 
gory  be  ?" 

"  In  this  case,  my  good  sir,  it  is  a  constitution." 

"  And  what  is  a  constitution  ?" 

"  Why,  it  is  sometimes,  as  you  perceive,  an  alle 
gory." 

"  And  are  we  not  to  be  mast-headed,  then,  ac 
cording  to  the  book  ?" 

"  Figuratively,  only." 

"But  there  are  actually  such  critturs  as  the  Great 
Sachem,  and  the  Riddles,  and  above  all,  the  Bobees ! 
— We  are  boney  fie-diddle-di-dee  elected  ?" 

"  Boney  fie-diddle-di-dee." 

"And  may  I  take  the  liberty  of  asking,  what  it 
is  our  duty  to  do  ?" 

"We  are  to  act  practically,  according  to  the 
literality  of  the  legal,  implied,  figurative,  allego 
rical  significations  of  the  Great  National  Compact, 
under  a  legitimate  construction." 


164  THE   MON1KINS. 

"  I  fear  we  shall  have  to  work  double  tides,  Sir 
John,  to  do  so  much  in  so  short  a  time !  Do  you 
mean  that,  in  honest  truth,  there  is  no  beam  V9 

"  There  is,  and  there  is  not." 

"  No  fore,  main,  and  mizzen-tops,  according  to 
what  is  here  written  down  ?" 

"  There  is  not,  and  there  is." 

"  Sir  John,  in  the  name  of  God,  speak  out ! — Is 
all  this  about  eight  dollars  a  day,  no  better  than  a 
take  in?" 

"  That,  I  believe,  is  strictly  literal." 

As  Noah  now  seemed  a  little  mollified,  I  seized 
the  opportunity  to  tell  him  he  must  beware  how  he 
attempted  to  stop  Bob  from  attending  the  Council. 
Members  were  privileged,  going  and  coming;  and 
unless  he  was  guarded  in  his  course,  he  might  have 
some  unpleasant  collision  with  the  serjeant-at-arms. 
Besides,  it  was  unbecoming  the  dignity  of  a  legis 
lator  to  be  wrangling  about  trifles,  and  he  to  whom 
was  confided  the  great  affairs  of  a  state,  ought  to 
attach  the  utmost  importance  to  a  grave  exterior, 
which  commonly  was  of  more  account  with  his 
constituents  than  any  other  quality.  Any  one  could 
tell  whether  he  was  grave  or  not,  but  it  wras  by  no 
means  so  easy  a  matter  to  tell  whether  he  or  his 
constituents  had  the  greatest  cause  to  appear  so. 
Noah  promised  to  be  discreet,  and  we  parted,  not 
to  meet  again  until  we  assembled  to  be  sworn  in. 

Before  continuing  the  narrative,  I  will  just  men 
tion  that  we  disposed  of  our  commercial  investments 
that  morning.  All  the  Leaphigh  opinions  brought 
good  prices ;  and  I  had  occasion  to  see  how  well 
the  Brigadier  understood  the  market,  by  the  eager 
ness  with  which,  in  particular,  the  opinions  on  the 
state  of  society  in  Leaplow,  were  bought  up.  But, 
by  one  of  those  unexpected  windfalls  which  raise 
up  so  many  of  the  chosen  of  the  earth  to  their  high 
places,  the  cook  did  better  than  any  of  us.  It  will 


THE    MONIKINS.  165 

be  remembered,  that  he  had  bartered  an  article  of 
merchandise  that  he  called  slush  against  a  neglect 
ed  bale  of  Distinctive  Leaplow  Opinions,  which  had 
no  success  at  all  in  Leaphigh.  Coming  as  they  did 
from  abroad,  these  articles  had  taken  as  a  novelty 
in  Bivouac,  and  he  sold  them  all  before  night,  at 
enormous  advances ;  the  cry  being  that  something 
new  and  extraordinary  had  found  its  way  into  the 
market ! 


CHAPTER  XL 

How  to  enact  laws — Oratory,  logic  and  eloquence,  all  consi 
dered  in  their  every-day  aspects. 

POLITICAL  oaths  are  very  much  the  same  sort 
of  thing  everywhere,  and  I  shall  say  no  more  about 
our  inauguration  than  simply  to  state  it  took  place 
as  usual.  The  two  houses  were  duly  organized, 
and  we  proceeded,  without  delay,  to  the  transaction 
of  business.  I  will  here  state  that  I  was  much 
rejoiced  to  find  Brigadier  Downright  among  the 
Bobees,  the  Captain  whispering  that  most  probably 
he  had  been  mistaken  for  an  "immigrunt,"  and 
chosen  accordingly. 

It  was  not  a  great  while  before  the  Great  Sachem 
sent  us  a  communication,  which  contained  a  compte 
rendu  of  the  state  of  the  nation.  Like  most  accounts 
it  is  my  good  fortune  to  receive,  I  thought  it  parti 
cularly  long.  Agreeably  to  the  opinions  of  this 
document,  the  people  of  Leaplow  were,  by  a  good 
deal,  the  happiest  people  in  the  world ;  they  were 
also  considerably  more  respected,  esteemed,  be 
loved,  honored,  and  properly  appreciated,  than  any 
other  monikin  community;  and,  in  short,  they  were 
the  admiration  and  glory  of  the  universe.  I  was 
exceedingly  glad  to  hear  this,  for  some  of  the  facts 


166  THE   MONIK1NS. 

were  quite  new  to  me;  a  circumstance  which  shows 
one  can  never  get  correct  notions  of  a  nation  ex 
cept  from  itself. 

These  important  facts  properly  digested,  we  all 
of  us  set  about  our  several  duties  with  a  zeal  that 
spoke  fairly  for  our  industry  and  integrity.  Things 
commenced  swimmingly,  and  it  was  not  long  before 
the  Riddles  sent  us  a  resolution  for  concurrence, 
by  way  of  opening  the  ball.  It  was  conceived  in 
the  following  terms: — "Resolved,  that  the  color 
which  has  hitherto  been  deemed  to  be  black,  is 
really  white." 

As  this  was  the  first  resolution  that  involved  a 
principle  on  which  we  had  been  required  to  vote,  I 
suggested  to  Noah  the  propriety  of  our  going 
round  to  the  Brigadier,  and  inquiring  what  might 
be  the  drift  of  so  singular  a  proposition.  Our  col 
league  answered  the  question  with  great  good  na 
ture,  giving  us  to  understand  that  the  Perpendiculars 
and  the  Horizontals  had  long  been  at  variance  on 
the  mere  coloring  property  of  various  important 
questions,  and  the  real  matter  involved  in  the  reso 
lution  was  not  visible.  The  former-  had  always 
maintained,  (by  always,  he  meant  ever  since  the 
time  they  maintained  the  contrary,)  the  doctrine 
of  the  resolution,  and  the  latter  its  converse.  A 
majority  of  the  Riddles,  just  at  this  moment,  are 
Perpendiculars ;  and,  as  it  was  now  seen,  they  had 
succeeded  in  getting  a  vote  on  their  favorite  prin 
ciple. 

"  According  to  this  account  of  the  matter,  Sir 
John,"  observed  the  Captain,  "  I  shall  be  compelled 
to  maintain  that  black  is  white,  seeing  that  I  am 
in  on  the  Parpendic'lar  interest  ?" 

I  thought  with  the  Captain,  and  was  pleased 
that  my  own  legislative  debut  was  not  to  be  char 
acterized  by  the  promulgation  of  any  doctrine  so 
much  at  variance  with  my  preconceived  ways  of 


THE    MON1KINS.  167 

thinking*  Curious,  however,  to  know  his  opinion, 
I  asked  the  Brigadier  in  what  light  he  felt  disposed 
to  view  the  matter  himself. 

"  I  am  elected  by  the  Tangents,"  he  said ;  "  and, 
by  what  I  can  learn,  it  is  the  intention  of  our  friends 
to  steer  a  middle  course ;  and  one  of  our  leaders  is 
already  selected,  who,  at  a  proper  stage  of  the 
affair,  is  to  move  an  amendment." 

"  Can  you  refer  me,  my  dear  friend,  to  anything 
connected  with  the  Great  National  Allegory,  that 
bears  on  this  point  ?" 

"  Why,  there  is  a  clause  among  the  fundamental 
and  immutable  laws,  which  it  is  thought  was  intend 
ed  to  meet  this  very  case ;  but,  unhappily,  the  sages 
by  whom  our  Allegory  was  drawn  up,  have  not 
paid  quite  as  much  attention  to  the  phraseology  as 
the  importance  of  the  subject  demanded." 

Here  the  Brigadier  laid  his  finger  on  the  clause 
in  question,  and  I  returned  to  a  seat  to  study  its 
meaning.  It  was  conceived  as  follows : — Art.  IV. 
Clause  6 :  "  The  Great  National  Council  shall,  in 
no  case  whatever,  pass  any  law,  or  resolution,  de 
claring  white  to  be  black." 

After  studying  this  fundamental  enactment  to  the 
bottom,  turning  it  on  every  side,  and  finally  consi 
dering  it  upside-down,  I  came  to  the  conclusion  that 
its  tenor  was,  on  the  whole,  rather  more  favorable 
than  unfavorable  to  the  horizontal  doctrine.  It 
struck  me,  a  very  good  argument  was  to  be  made 
out  of  the  constitutional  question,  and  that  it  pre 
sented  a  very  fair  occasion  for  a  new  member  to 
venture  on  a  maiden  speech.  Having  so  settled  the 
matter,  entirely  to  my  own  satisfaction,  I  held  my 
self  in  reserve,  waiting  for  the  proper  moment  to 
produce  an  effect. 

It  was  not  long  before  the  Chairman  of  the  Com 
mittee  on  the  Judiciary  (one  of  the  effects  of  the 
resolution  was  entirely  to  change  the  coloring  of 


168  THE    MONIKINS. 

all  testimony  throughout  the  vast  republic  of  Leap- 
low)  made  his  report  on  the  subject-matter  of  the 
resolution.  This  person  was  a  Tangent,  who  had 
a  besetting  wish  to  become  a  Riddle,  although  the 
leaning  of  our  house  was  decidedly  horizontal; 
and,  as  a  matter  of  course,  he  took  the  Riddle  side 
of  this  question.  The  report,  itself,  required  seven 
hours  in  the  reading,  commencing  with  the  subject 
at  the  epocha  of  the  celebrated  caucus  that  was 
adjourned  sine  die,  by  the  disruption  of  the  earth's 
crust,  and  previously  to  the  distribution  of  the  great 
monikin  family  into  separate  communities,  and  end 
ing  with  the  subject  of  the  resolution  in  his  hand. 
The  reporter  had  set  his  political  palette  with  the 
utmost  care,  having  completely  covered  the  subject 
with  neutral  tints,  before  he  got  through  with  it; 
and  glazing  the  whole  down  with  ultramarine,  in 
such  a  way  as  to  cause  the  eye  to  regard  the  mat 
ter  through  a  fictitious  atmosphere.  Finally,  he 
repeated  the  resolution,  verbatim,  and  as  it  came 
from  the  other  house. 

Mr.  Speaker  now  called  upon  gentlemen  to  deli 
ver  their  sentiments.  To  my  utter  amazement, 
Captain  Poke  arose,  put  his  tobacco  back  into  its 
box,  and  opened  the  debate,  without  apology. 

The  Honorable  Captain  said  he  understood  this 
question  to  be  one  implicating  the  liberties  of  every 
body.  He  understood  the  matter  literally,  as  it  was 
propounded  in  the  Allegory,  and  set  forth  in  the 
resolution ;  and,  as  such,  he  intended  to  look  at  it 
with  unprejudyced  eyes.  "  The  natur'  of  this  propo 
sal  lay  altogether  in  color.  What  is  color,  after 
all?  Make  the  most  of  it,  and  in  the  most  favorable 
position,  which,  perhaps,  is  the  cheek  of  a  comely 
young  woman,  and  it  is  but  skin-deep.  He  re 
membered  the  time  when  a  certain  female  in  an 
other  part  of  the  univarse,  who  is  commonly  called 
Miss  Poke,  might  have  out-rosed  the  best  rose  in  a 


THE   MONJK1NS.  169 

place  called  Stunin'tun;  and  what  did  it  all  amount 
to  ?  He  should  n't  ask  Miss  Poke  herself,  for  ob 
vious  reasons — but  he  would  ask  any  of  the  neigh 
bors  how  she  looked  now?  Quitting  female  natur', 
he  would  come  to  human  natur'  generally.  He  had 
often  remarked  that  sea-water  was  blue,  and  he  had 
frequently  caused  pails  to  be  lowered,  and  the  water 
brought  on  deck,  to  see  if  he  could  come  at  any  of 
this  blueing  matter — for  indigo  was  both  scarce 
and  dear  in  his  part  of  the  world,  but  he  never 
could  make  out  anything  by  the  experiment ;  from 
which  he  concluded  that,  on  the  whull,  there  was 
pretty  much  no  such  thing  as  color,  at  all. 

"  As  for  the  resolution  before  the  house,  it  depend 
ed  entirely  on  the  meaning  of  words.  Now,  after 
all,  what  is  a  word  ?  Why,  some  people's  words 
are  good,  and  other  people's  words  are  good  for 
nothing.  For  his  part,  he  liked  sealed  instruments 
— which  might  be  because  he  was  a  sealer — but  as 
for  mere  words,  he  set  but  little  store  by  them.  He 
once  tuck  a  man's  word  for  his  wages ;  and  the 
long  and  short  of  it  was,  that  he  lost  his  money. 
He  had  known  a  thousand  instances  in  which  words 
had  proved  to  be  of  no  value,  and  he  did  not  see 
why  some  gentlemen  wished  to  make  them  of  so 
much  importance  here.  For  his  part,  he  was  for 
puffing  up  nothing,  no,  not  even  a  word  or  a  color, 
above  its  desarts.  The  people  seemed  to  call  for  a 
change  in  the  color  of  things,  and  he  called  upon 
gentlemen  to  remember  that  this  was  a  free  coun 
try,  and  one  in  which  the  laws  ruled ;  and  therefore 
he  trusted  they  would  be  disposed  to  adapt  the  laws 
to  the  wants  of  the  people.  What  had  the  people 
asked  of  the  house  in  this  matter?  So  far  as  his 
knowledge  went,  they  had  really  asked  nothing  in 
words,  but  he  understood  there  was  great  discon 
tent  on  the  subject  of  the  old  colors ;  and  he  con- 

VOL.  II.  15 


170  THE    MONIKINS. 

strued  their  silence  into  an  expression  of  contempt 
for  words  in  general.  He  was  a  Parpendic'lar,  and 
he  should  always  maintain  parpendic'lar  sentiments. 
Gentlemen  might  not  agree  with  him,  but,  for  one, 
he  was  not  disposed  to  jipordyze  the  liberties  of  his 
constituents,  and  therefore  he  gave  the  rizolution 
just  as  it  came  from  the  Riddles,  without  altering 
a  letter — although  he  did  think  there  was  one  word 
misspelt — he  meant  *  really/  which  he  had  been 
taught  to  spell  'ra'ally' — but  he  was  ready  to 
sacrifice  even  his  opinions  on  this  point  to  the  good 
of  the  country;  and  therefore  he  went  with  the  Rid 
dles,  even  to  their  misprints.  He  hoped  the  rizolu 
tion  would  pass,  with  the  entire  unanimity  so 
important  a  subject  demanded." 

This  speech  produced  a  very  strong  sensation. 
Up  to  this  time,  the  principal  orators  of  the  house 
had  been  much  in  the  practice  of  splitting  hairs 
about  some  nice  technicality  in  the  Great  Allegory; 
but  Noah,  with  the  simplicity  of  a  truly  great  mind, 
had  made  a  home-thrust  at  the  root  of  the  whole 
matter ;  laying  about  him  with  the  single-hearted 
ness  of  the  illustrious  Manchechan,  when  he  couched 
his  lance  against  the  wind-mills.  The  points  ad 
mitted,  that  there  were  no  such  things  as  colors, 
and  that  words  were  of  no  moment,  this,  or  indeed 
any  other  resolution,  might  be  passed  with  impunity. 
The  Perpendiculars  in  the  house  were  singularly 
satisfied,  for,  to  say  the  truth,  their  arguments 
hitherto  had  been  rather  flimsy.  Out  of  doors,  the 
effect  was  greater  still ;  for  it  wrought  a  complete 
change  in  the  whole  tenor  of  the  Perpendicular 
argument.  Monikins  who  the  day  before  had 
strenuously  affirmed  that  their  strength  lay  in  the 
phraseology  of  the  Great  Allegory,  now  suddenly 
had  their  eyes  opened,  clearly  perceiving  that  words 
had  no  just  value.  The  argument  had  certainly 
undergone  some  modifications;  but,  luckily,  the 


THE   MONIKIffS.  171 

deduction  was  undisturbed.  The  Brigadier  noticed 
this  apparent  anomaly;  explaining,  however,  that 
it  was  quite  common  in  Leaplow,  more  especially 
in  all  matters  affecting  politics ;  though  he  felt  per 
suaded  men  must  be  more  consistent. 

No  great  time  is  required  to  put  a  well-orga 
nized  political  corps  to  the  right-about,  when  pro 
per  attention  has  been  paid  to  the  preparatory  drills. 
Although  several  of  the  best  speakers  among  the 
Perpendiculars  had  appeared  in  their  places,  with 
ample  notes,  and  otherwise  in  readiness  to  show 
that  the  phraseology  of  the  resolution  was  altoge 
ther  in  favor  of  their  views  of  the  question,  every 
monikin  of  them  promptly  rejected  his  previous 
argument,  for  the  simple  and  more  conclusive  views 
of  Captain  Poke.  On  the  other  hand,  the  Horizon 
tals  were  so  completely  taken  by  surprise,  that  not 
an  orator  among  them  all  had  a  word  to  say  for 
himself.  So  far  from  replying,  they  actually  per 
mitted  one  of  their  antagonists  to  rise  and  to  follow 
up  the  blow  of  the  Captain;  a  pretty  certain  sign 
that  they  were  bothered. 

The  new  speaker  was  a  very  prominent  leader 
of  the  Perpendiculars.  He  was  one  of  those  poli 
ticians  who  are  only  the  more  dexterous  from  hav 
ing  been  of  all  sides,  knowing  by  experience  the 
weak  and  the  strong  points  of  each,  and  being  fami 
liar  with  every  subdivision  of  political  sentiment 
that  had  ever  existed  in  the  country.  This  ingenious 
orator  took  up  the  subject  with  spirit,  treating  it 
throughout  on  the  principle  of  the  honorable  mem 
ber  who  had  last  spoken.  According  to  his  views 
of  the  question,  the  gist  of  a  resolution,  or  a  law, 
was  to  be  found  in  things  and  not  in  words.  Words 
were  so  many  false  lights  to  mislead,  and — he  need 
not  tell  this  house  a  fact  that  was  familiar  to  all 
who  heard  him — words  would  be,  and  were,  daily 
moulded  to  suit  the  convenience  of  all  sorts  of  per- 

•'";  :*  ; 


172  THE   MONIKINS. 

sons.  It  was  a  capital  error  in  political  life  to  be 
lavish  of  words,  for  the  time  might  come  when  the 
garrulous  and  voluble  would  have  cause  to  repent  of 
having  used  them.  He  asked  the  house  if  the  thing 
proposed  were  necessary — did  the  public  interests 
require  it — was  the  public  mind  prepared  for  it ;  if  so, 
he  begged  gentlemen  to  do  their  duties  to  themselves, 
their  characters,  their  consciences,  their  religion, 
their  property,  and,  lastly,  their  constituents. 

This  orator  had  endeavored  to  destroy  words  by 
words,  and  I  thought  the  house  regarded  his  effort 
rather  favorably.  I  now  determined  to  make  a 
rally  in  favor  of  the  fundamental  law,  which  evi 
dently  had  as  yet  been  but  little  regarded  in  the 
discussion.  I  caught  the  Speaker's  eye,  accordingly, 
and  was  on  my  feet  in  a  moment. 

I  commenced  by  paying  elaborate  compliments 
to  the  talents  and  motives  of  those  who  had  pre 
ceded  me,  and  made  some  proper  allusions  to  the 
known  intelligence,  patriotism,  virtue,  and  legal 
attainments  of  the  house.  All  this  was  so  well  re 
ceived,  that  taking  courage,  I  determined  to  come 
down  upon  my  adversaries,  at  once,  with  the  text 
of  the  written  law.  Prefacing  the  blow  with  an 
eulogium  on  the  admirable  nature  of  those  institu 
tions  which  were  universally  admitted  to  be  the 
wonder  of  the  world,  and  which  were  commonly 
pronounced  to  be  the  second  perfection  of  monikin 
reason,  those  of  Leaphigh  being  invariably  deemed 
the  first,  I  made  a  few  apposite  remarks  on  the 
necessity  of  respecting  the  vital  ordinances  of  the 
body  politic,  and  asked  the  attention  of  my  hearers 
while  I  read  to  them  a  particular  clause,  which 
it  had  struck  me  had  some  allusion  to  the  very 
point  now  in  consideration.  Having  thus  clear 
ed  the  way,  I  had  not  the  folly  to  defeat  the  ob 
jects  of  so  much  preparation,  by  an  indiscreet 
precipitancy.  So  far  from  it,  previously  to  read- 


THE  MONlKlNSi  173 

ing  the  extract  from  the  constitution,  I  waited  until 
the  attention  of  every  member  present  was  attracted 
more  forcibly  by  the  dignity,  deliberation,  and  gra 
vity  of  my  manner,  than  by  the  substance  of  what 
had  yet  been  said.  In  the  midst  of  this  deep  silence 
and  expectation  I  read  aloud,  in  a  voice  that  reached 
every  cranny  of  the  hall — 

"  The  Great  Council  shall,  in  no  case  whatever, 
pass  any  law,  or  resolution,  declaring  white  to  be 
black." 

If  I  had  been  calm  in  the  presentation  of  this  au 
thority,  I  was  equally  self-possessed  in  waiting  for 
its  effect.  Looking  about  me,  I  saw  surprise,  per 
plexity,  doubt,  wonder  and  uncertainty,  in  every 
countenance,  if  I  did  not  find  conviction.  One  fact 
embarrassed  even  me.  Our  friends  the  Horizontals 
were  evidently  quite  as  much  at  fault  as  our  oppo 
nents  the  Perpendiculars,  instead  of  being,  as  I  had 
good  reason  to  hope,  in  an  ecstasy  of  pleasure  on 
hearing  their  cause  sustained  by  an  authority  so 
weighty. 

"Will  the  honorable  member  have  the  goodness  to 
explain  from  what  author  he  has  quoted  ?"  one  of  the 
leading  Perpendiculars  at  length  ventured  to  inquire. 

"  The  language  you  have  just  heard,  Mr,  Speak 
er,"  I  resumed,  believing  that  now  was  the  favor 
able  instant  to  follow  up  the  matter,  "  is  language 
that  must  find  an  echo  in  every  heart — it  is  lan 
guage  that  can  never  be  used  in  vain  in  this  vene 
rable  hall,  language  that  carries  with  it  conviction 
and  command" — I  observed  that  the  members  were 
now  fairly  gaping  at  each  other  with  wonder— 
"  Sir,  I  am  asked  to  name  the  author  from  whom  I 
have  quoted  these  sententious  and  explicit  words — 
Sir,  what  you  have  just  heard  is  to  be  found  in  the 
Article  IV.  Clause  6,  of  the  Great  National  Alle 
gory " 

15* 


174  THE   MONIKINS. 

" Order — Order — Order!"  shouted  a  hundred 
raven  throats. 

I  stood  aghast,  even  more  amazed  than  the  house 
itself  had  been  only  the  instant  before. 

"  Order — Order — Order — Order — Order !"  con 
tinued  to  be  yelled,  as  if  a  million  of  demons  were 
screeching  in  the  hall. 

"The  honorable  member  will  please  to  recollect," 
said  the  bland,  and  ex-officio  impartial  Speaker, 
who,  by  the  way,  was  a  Perpendicular,  elected  by 
fraud,  "  that  it  is  out  of  order  to  use  personalities." 

"  Personalities !  I  do  not  understand,  sir " 

"  The  instrument  to  which  the  honorable  member 
has  alluded,  his  own  good  sense  will  tell  him,  was 
never  written  by  itself — so  far  from  this,  the  very 
members  of  the  convention  by  which  it  was  drawn 
up,  are  at  this  instant  members  of  this  house,  and 
most  of  them  supporters  of  the  resolution  now  be 
fore  the  house ;  and  it  will  be  deemed  personal  to 
throw  into  their  faces  former  official  acts,  in  this 
unheard-of  manner.  I  am  sorry  it  is  my  duty  to 
say,  that  the  honorable  member  is  entirely  out  of 
order." 

"  But,  sir,  the  Sacred  National " 

"  Sacred,  sir,  beyond  a  doubt — but  in  a  sense 
different  from  what  you  imagine — much  too  sacred, 
sir,  ever  to  be  alluded  to  here.  There  are  the  works 
of  the  commentators,  the  books  of  constructions, 
and  especially  the  writings  of  various  foreign  and 
perfectly  disinterested  statesmen, — need  I  name 
Ekrub  in  particular ! — that  are  at  the  command  of 
members ;  but  so  long  as  I  am  honored  with  a  seat 
in  this  chair,  I  shall  peremptorily  decide  against  all 
personalities." 

I  was  dumb-founded.  The  idea  that  the  authority 
itself  would  be  refused  never  crossed  my  mind, 
though  I  had  anticipated  a  sharp  struggle  on  its 
construction.  The  constitution  only  required  that 


THE   MONIKINS.  175 

no  law  should  be  passed  declaring  black  to  be 
white,  whereas  the  resolution  merely  ordered  that 
henceforth  white  should  be  black.  Here  was  mat 
ter  for  discussion,  nor  was  I  at  all  sanguine  as  to 
the  result ;  but  to  be  thus  knocked  on  the  head  by  a 
club,  in  the  outset,  was  too  much  for  the  modesty 
of  a  maiden  speech.  I  took  my  seat  in  confusion ; 
and  I  plainly  saw  that  the  Perpendiculars^  by  their 
sneers,  now  expected  to  carry  everything  triumph 
antly  their  own  way.  This,  most  probably,  would 
have  been  the  case,  had  not  one  of  the  Tangents 
immediately  got  the  floor,  to  move  the  amendment. 
To  the  vast  indignation  of  Captain  Poke,  and,  in 
some  degree,  to  my  own  mortification,  this  duty 
was  intrusted  to  the  Hon.  Robert  Smut.  Mr.  Smut 
commenced  with  entreating  members  not  to  be  led 
away  by  the  sophistry  of  the  first  speaker.  That 
honorable  member,  no  doubt,  felt  himself  called 
upon  to  defend  the  position  taken  by  his  friends; 
but  those  that  knew  him  well,  as  it  had  been  his 
fate  to  know  him,  must  be  persuaded  that  his  sen 
timents  had,  at  least,  undergone  a  sudden  and  mi 
raculous  change.  That  honorable  member  denied 
the  existence  of  color,  at  all !  He  would  ask  that 
honorable  member  if  he  had  never  been  instru 
mental  himself  in  producing  what  is  generally  called 
"black  and  blue  color?"  ne  should  like  to  know 
if  that  honorable  member  placed  as  little  value, 
at  present,  on  blows  as  he  now  seemed  to  set  on 
words — he  begged  pardon  of  the  house,  but  this 
was  a  matter  of  great  interest  to  himself — he  knew 
that  there  never  had  been  a  greater  manufacturer 
of  "black  and  blue  color"  than  that  honorable 
member,  and  he  wondered  at  his  now  so  pertina 
ciously  denying  the  existence  of  colors,  and  at  his 
wish  to  underrate  their  value.  For  his  part,  he 
trusted  he  understood  the  importance  of  words,  and 
the  value  of  hues;  and  while  he  did  not  exactly  see 


176  THE  MONlKltfS. 

the  necessity  of  deeming  black  so  inviolable  as  some 
gentlemen  appeared  to  think  it,  he  was  not  by  any 
means  prepared  to  go  as  far  as  those  who  had  in 
troduced  this  resolution.  He  did  not  believe  that 
public  opinion  was  satisfied  with  maintaining  that 
black  was  black,  but  he  thought  it  was  not  yet  dis 
posed  to  affirm  that  black  was  white.  He  did  not 
say  that  such  a  day  might  not  arrive;  he  only 
maintained  tha-t  it  had  not  yet  arrived,  and  with  a 
view  to  meet  that  which  he  believed  was  the  pub 
lic  sentiment,  he  should  move,  by  way  of  amend 
ment,  to  strike  out  the  whole  of  the  resolution  after 
the  word  "really,"  and  insert  that  which  would 
cause  the  whole  resolution  to  read  as  follows,  viz. 

"Resolved,  that  the  color  which  has  hitherto 
been  deemed  to  be  black,  is  really  lead-color" 

Hereupon,  the  Honorable  Mr.  Smut  took  his  seat, 
leaving  the  house  to,  its  own  ruminations.  The 
leaders  of  the  Perpendiculars,  foreseeing  that  if 
they  got  half-way  this  session,  they  might  effect  the 
rest  of  their  object  the  next,  determined  to  accept 
the  compromise ;  and  the  resolution,  as  amended, 
passed  by  a  handsome  majority.  So  this  important 
point  was  finally  decided  for  the  moment,  leaving 
great  hopes  among  the  Perpendiculars  of  being 
able  to  lay  the  Horizontals  even  flatter  on  their 
backs  than  they  were  just  then. 

The  next  question  that  presented  itself  was  of  far 
less  interest,  exciting  no  great  attention.  To  under 
stand  it,  however,  it  will  be  necessary  to  refer  a 
little  to  history.  The  government  of  Leapthrough 
had,  about  sixty-three  years  before,  caused  one  hun 
dred  and  twenty-six  Leaplow  ships  to  be  burned  on 
the  high  seas,  or  otherwise  destroyed.  The  pretence 
was,  that  they  incommoded  Leapthrough.  Leap- 
low  was  much  too  great  a  nation  to  submit  to  so 
heinous  an  outrage,  while,  at  the  same  time,  she  was 


THE    MONIKIffS.  177 

much  too  magnanimous  and  wise  a  nation  to  resent 
it  in  an  every-day  and  vulgar  manner.  Instead  of 
getting  in  a  passion  and  loading  her  cannon,  she 
summoned  all  her  logic  and  began  to  reason.  After 
reasoning  the  matter  with  Leapthrough  for  fifty-two 
years,  or  until  all  the  parties  who  had  been  wronged 
were  dead,  and  could  no  longer  be  benefited  by  her 
Jogic,  she  determined  to  abate  two-thirds  of  her 
pretensions  in  a  pecuniary  sense,  and  all  her  pre 
tensions  in  an  honorary  sense,  and  to  compromise 
the  affair  by  accepting  a  certain  insignificant  sum 
of  money  as  a  salve  to  the  whole  wrong.  Leap- 
through  conditioned  to  pay  this  money,  in  the  most 
solemn  and  satisfactory  manner;  and  everybody 
was  delighted  with  the  amicable  termination  of  a 
very  vexatious  and  a  seemingly  interminable  dis 
cussion.  Leapthrough  was  quite  as  glad  to  get  rid 
of  the  matter  as  Leaplow,  and  very  naturally,  under 
all  the  circumstances,  thought  the  whole  thing  at 
length  was  done  with,  when  she  conditioned  to  pay 
the  money.  The  Great  Sachem  of  Leaplow,  most 
unfortunately,  however,  had  a  "  will  of  iron,"  or,  in 
other  words,  he  thought  the  money  ought  to  be  paid 
as  well  as  conditioned  to  be  paid.  This  despotic 
construction  of  the  bargain  had  given  rise  to  un 
heard-of  dissatisfaction  in  Leapthrough,  as  indeed 
might  have  been  expected;  but  it  was,  oddly  enough, 
condemned  with  some  heat  even  in  Leaplow  itself, 
where  it  was  stoutly  maintained  by  certain  ingenious 
logicians,  that  the  only  true  way  to  settle  a  bargain 
to  pay  money,  was  to  make  a  new  one  for  a  less 
sum,  whenever  the  amount  fell  due ;  a  plan  that, 
with  a  proper  moderation  and  patience,  would  be 
certain,  in  time,  to  extinguish  the  whole  debt. 

Several  very  elaborate  patriots  had  taken  this 
matter  in  hand,  and  it  was  now  about  to  be  pre 
sented  to  the  house,  under  four  different  categories. 


178  THE    MON1K1NS. 

Category  No.  1,  had  the  merit  of  simplicity  and 
precision.  It  proposed  merely  that  Leaplow  should 
pay  the  money  itself,  and  take  up  the  bond,  using 
its  own  funds.  Category  No.  2,  embraced  a  recom 
mendation  of  the  Great  Sachem  for  Leaplow  to 
pay  itself,  using,  however,  certain  funds  of  Leap- 
through.  Category  3d,  was  a  proposal  to  offer  ten 
millions  to  Leapthrough  to  say  no  more  about  the 
transaction  at  all.  Category  4th,  was  to  commence 
the  negotiating  or  abating  system  mentioned,  with 
out  delay,  in  order  to  extinguish  the  claim  by  in 
stalments  as  soon  as  possible.  ^ 

The  question  came  up  on  the  consideration  of  the 
different  projects  connected  with  these  four  leading 
principles.  My  limits  will  not  admit  of  a  detailed 
history  of  the  debate.  All  I  can  do,  is  merely  to 
give  an  outline  of  the  logic  that  these  various  pro 
positions  set  in  motion,  of  the  legislative  ingenuity 
of  which  they  were  the  parents,  and  of  the  multitude 
of  legitimate  conclusions  that  so  naturally  followed. 

In  favor  of  Category  No.  1,  it  was  urged  that, 
by  adopting  its  leading  idea,  the  affair  would  be 
altogether  in  our  own  hands,  and  might  consequently 
be  settled  with  greater  attention  to  purely  Leaplow 
interests;  that  further  delay  could  only  proceed 
from  our  own  negligence;  that  no  other  project 
was  so  likely  to  get  rid  of  this  protracted  negotia 
tion  in  so  short  a  time ;  that  by  paying  the  debt 
with  the  Leaplow  funds,  we  should  be  sure  of  re 
ceiving  its  amount  in  the  good  legal  currency  of 
the  republic ;  that  it  would  be  singularly  economi 
cal,  as  the  agent  who  paid  might  also  be  authorized 
to  receive,  whereby  there  would  be  a  saving  in 
salary ;  and,  finally,  that,  under  this  category,  the 
whole  affair  might  be  brought  within  the  limits  of 
a  nut-shell,  and  the  compass  of  any  one's  under 
standing. 


THE    MONIKINS.  179 

In  favor  of  Category  No.  2,  little  more  than  very 
equivocal  sophisms,  which  savored  strongly  of  com 
mon-place  opinions,  were  presented.  It  was  pre 
tended,  for  instance,  that  he  who  signed  a  bond  was 
in  equity  bound  to  pay  it ;  that,  if  he  refused,  the 
other  party  had  the  natural  and  legal  remedy  of 
compulsion ;  that  it  might  not  always  be  convenient 
for  a  creditor  to  pay  all  the  obligations  of  other 
people  which  he  might  happen  to  hold ;  that  if  his 
transactions  were  extensive,  money  might  be  want 
ing  to  carry  out  such  a  principle ;  and  that,  as  a 
precedent,  it  would  comport  much  more  with  Leap- 
low  prudence  and  discretion  to  maintain  the  old  and 
tried  notions  of  probity  and  justice,  than  to  enter  on 
the  unknown  ocean  of  uncertainty  that  was  connect 
ed  with  the  new  opinions,  by  admitting  which,  we 
could  never  know  when  we  were  fairly  out  of  debt 
Category  No.  3,  was  discussed  on  an  entirely  new 
system  of  logic,  which  appeared  to  have  great  favor 
with  that  class  of  the  members  who  were  of  the 
more  refined  school  of  ethics.  These  orators  referred 
the  whole  matter  to  a  sentiment  of  honor.  They 
commenced  by  drawing  vivid  pictures  of  the  out 
rages  in  which  the  original  wrongs  had  been  com 
mitted.  They  spoke  of  ruined  families,  plundered 
mariners,  and  blasted  hopes.  They  presented  mi 
nute  arithmetical  calculations  to  show  that  just  forty 
times  as  much  wrong  had,  in  fact,  been  done,  as 
this  bond  assumed ;  and  that,  as  the  case  actually 
stood,  Leaplow  ought,  in  strict  justice,  to  receive 
exactly  forty  times  the  amount  of  the  money  that 
was  actually  included  in  the  instrument.  Turning 
from  these  interesting  details,  they  next  presented 
the  question  of  honor.  Leapthrough,  by  attacking 
the  Leaplow  flag,  and  invading  Leaplow  rights, 
had  made  it  principally  a  question  of  honor,  and, 
in  disposing  of  it,  the  principle  of  honor  ought  never 


180  THE    MOM  KINS. 

to  be  lost  sight  of.  It  was  honorable  to  pay  one's 
debts — this  no  one  could  dispute ;  but  it  was  not  so 
clear,  by  any  means,  that  there  was  any  honor  in 
receiving  one's  dues.  The  national  honor  was 
concerned ;  and  they  called  on  members,  as  they 
cherished  the  sacred  sentiment,  to  come  forward 
and  sustain  it  by  their  votes.  As  the  matter  siood, 
Leaplow  had  the  best  of  it.  In  compounding  with 
her  creditor,  as  had  been  done  in  the  treaty, 
Leapthrough  lost  some  honor — in  refusing  to  pay 
the  bond,  she  lost  still  more ;  and  now,  if  we  should 
send  her  the  ten  millions  proposed,  and  she  should 
have  the  weakness  to  accept  it,  we  should  fairly 
get  our  foot  upon  her  neck,  and  she  could  never 
look  us  in  the  face  again ! 

The  Category  No.  4,  brought  up  a  member  who 
had  made  political  economy  his  chief  study.  This 
person  presented  the  following  case: — According 
to  his  calculations,  the  wrong  had  been  committed 
precisely  sixty-three  years,  and  twenty-six  days,  and 
two-thirds  of  a  day,  ago.  For  the  whole  of  that 
long  period  Leaplow  had  been  troubled  with  this 
vexatious  question,  which  had  hung  like  a  cloud 
over  the  otherwise  unimpaired  brightness  of  her 
political  landscape.  It  was  time  to  get  rid  of  it. 
The  sum  stipulated  was  just  twenty-five  millions, 
to  be  paid  in  twenty-five  annual  instalments,  of  a 
million  each.  Now,  he  proposed  to  reduce  the 
instalments  to  one  half  the  number,  but  in  no  way 
to  change  the  sum.  That  point  ought  to  be  con 
sidered  as  irrevocably  settled.  This  would  dimin 
ish  the  debt  one  half.  Before  the  first  instalment 
should  become  due,  he  would  effect  a  postponement, 
by  diminishing  the  instalments  again  to  six,  refer 
ring  the  time  to  the  latest  periods  named  in  the  last 
treaty,  and  always  most  sacredly  keeping  the  sums 
precisely  the  same.  It  would  be  impossible  to  touch 


THE   MONIKINS.  181 

the  sums,  which,  he  repeated,  ought  to  be  considered 
as  sacred.  Before  the  expiration  of  the  first  seven 
years,  a  new  arrangement  might  reduce  the  instal 
ments  to  two,  or  even  to  one — always  respecting 
the  sum ;  and  finally,  at  the  proper  moment,  a  treaty 
could  be  concluded,  declaring  that  there  should  be 
no  instalment  at  all,  reserving  the  point,  that  if 
there  had  been  an  instalment,  Leaplow  could  never 
have  consented  to  reduce  it  below  one  million.  The 
result  would  be,  that  in  about  five-and-twenty  years 
the  country  would  be  fairly  rid  of  the  matter,  and 
the  national  character,  which  it  was  agreed  on  all 
hands  was  even  now  as  high  as  it  well  could  be, 
would  probably  be  raised  many  degrees  higher. 
The  negotiation  had  commenced  in  a  spirit  of  com 
promise;  and  our  character  for  consistency  required 
that  this  spirit  of  compromise  should  continue  to 
govern  our  conduct  as  long  as  a  single  farthing 
remained  unpaid. 

This  idea  took  wonderfully ;  and  I  do  believe  it 
would  have  passed  by  a  handsome  majority,  had 
not  a  new  proposition  been  presented,  by  an  orator 
of  singularly  pathetic  powers. 

The  new  speaker  objected  to  all  four  of  the  cate 
gories.  He  said  that  each  and  every  one  of  them 
would  lead  to  war.  Leapthrough  was  a  chivalrous 
and  high-minded  nation,  as  was  apparent  by  the 
present  aspect  of  things.  Should  we  presume  to 
take  up  the  bond,  using  our  own  funds,  it  would 
mortally  offend  her  pride,  and  she  would  fight  us ; 
did  we  presume  to  take  up  the  bond,  using  her 
funds,  it  would  offend  her  financial  system,  and  she 
would  fight  us ;  did  we  presume  to  offer  her  ten  mil 
lions  to  say  no  more  about  the  matter,  it  would 
offend  her  dignity  by  intimating  that  she  was  to  be 
bought  off  from  her  rights,  and  she  would  fight  us ; 
did  we  presume  to  adopt  the  system  of  new  nego- 

VOL.  II.  16 


182  THE    MONIKINS. 

tiations,  it  would  mortally  offend  her  honor,  by 
intimating  that  she  would  not  respect  her  old  nego 
tiations,  and  she  would  fight  us.  He  saw  war  in 
all  four  of  the  categories.  He  was  for  a  peace  cate 
gory,  and  he  thought  he  had  in  his  hand  a  proposi 
tion,  that  by  proper  management,  using  the  most 
tender  delicacy,  and  otherwise  respecting  the  sen 
sibilities  of  the  high  and  honorable  nation  in  ques 
tion,  we  might  possibly  get  out  of  this  embarrassing 
dilemma  without  actually  coming  to  blows — he 
said  to  blows,  for  he  wished  to  impress  on  honora 
ble  members  the  penalties  of  war.  He  invited 
gentlemen  to  recollect  that  a  conflict  between  two 
great  nations  was  a  serious  affair.  If  Leapthrough 
were  a  little  nation,  it  would  be  a  different  matter, 
and  the  contest  might  be  conducted  in  a  corner; 
our  honor  was  intimately  connected  with  all  we  did 
with  great  nations.  What  was  war?  Did  gentle 
men  know  ? — He  would  tell  them. 

Here  the  orator  drew  a  picture  of  war  that 
caused  suffering  monikinity  to  shudder.  He  viewed 
it  in  its  four  leading  points:  its  religious,  its  pecu 
niary,  its  political,  and  its  domestic  penalties.  He 
described  war  to  be  the  demon-state  of  the  monikin 
mind ;  as  opposed  to  worship,  to  charity,  brotherly 
love,  and  all  the  virtues.  On  its  pecuniary  penal 
ties,  he  touched  by  exhibiting  a  tax-sheet.  Buttons 
which  cost  six-pence  a  gross,  he  assured  the  house 
would  shortly  cost  seven-pence  a  gross. — Here  he 
was  reminded  that  monikins  no  longer  wore  but 
tons. — No  matter,  they  bought  and  sold  buttons, 
and  the  effects  on  trade  were  just  the  same.  The 
political  penalties  of  war  he  fairly  showed  to  be 
frightful ;  but  when  he  came  to  speak  of  the  domes 
tic  penalties,  there  was  not  a  dry  eye  in  the  house. 
Captain  Poke  blubbered  so  loud  that  I  was  in  an 
agony  lest  he  should  be  called  to  order. 


THE    MONIKINS. 

14  Regard  that  pure  spirit,"  he  cried,  "crushed  as 
it  has  been  in  the  whirlwind  of  war.  Behold  her 
standing  over  the  sod  that  covers  the  hero  of  his 
country,  the  husband  of  her  virgin  affections.  In 
vain  the  orphan  at  her  side  turns  its  tearful  eye  up 
ward,  and  asks  for  the  plumes  that  so  lately  pleased 
its  infant  fancy;  in  vain  its  gentle  voice  inquires 
when  he  is  to  return,  when  he  is  to  gladden  their 
hearts  with  his  presence"— But  I  can  write  no  more. 
Sobs  interrupted  the  speaker,  and  he  took  his  seat 
in  an  ecstasy  of  godliness  and  benevolence. 

I  hurried  across  the  house,  to  beg  the  Brigadier 
would  introduce  me  to  this  just  monikin  without 
a  moment's  delay.  I  felt  as  if  I  could  take  him  to 
my  heart  at  once,  and  swear  an  eternal  friendship 
with  a  spirit  so  benevolent.  The  Brigadier  was  too 
much  agitated,  at  first,  to  attend  to  me;  but,  after 
wiping  his  eyes  at  least  a  hundred  timers,  he  finally 
succeeded  in  arresting  the  torrents,  and  looked  up 
ward  with  a  bland  smile. 

"  Is  he  not  a  wonderful  monikin  ?" 

"  Wonderful  indeed !  How  completely  he  puts 
us  all  to  shame ! — Such  a  monikin  can  only  be  in 
fluenced  by  the  purest  love  for  the  species." 

"  Yes,  he  is  of  a  class  that  we  call  the  third  moni- 
kinity.  Nothing  excites  our  zeal  like  the  principles 
of  the  class  of  which  he  is  a  member !" 

"  How !  Have  you  more  than  one  class  of  the 
humane  ?" 

"Certainly — the  Original,  the  Representative, 
and  the  Speculative." 

"  I  am  devoured  by  the  desire  to  understand  the 
distinctions,  my  dear  Brigadier." 

"  The  Original  is  an  every-day  class,  that  feels 
under  the  natural  impulses.  The  Representative  is 
a  more  intellectual  division,  that  feels  chiefly  by 
proxy.  The  Speculatives  are  those  whose  sympa- 


184  THE    MONIKINS. 

thies  are  excited  by  positive  interests,  like  the  last 
speaker.  This  person  has  lately  bought  a  farm  by 
the  acre,  which  he  is  about  to  sell,  in  village  lots, 
by  the  foot,  and  war  will  knock  the  whole  thing  in 
the  head.  It  is  this  which  stimulates  his  benevo 
lence  in  so  lively  a  manner." 

"  Why,  this  is  no  more  than  a  development  of 
the  social-stake  system " 

I  was  interrupted  by  the  Speaker,  who  called  the 
house  to  order.  The  vote  on  the  resolution  of  the 
last  orator  was  to  be  taken.  It  read  as  follows : — 

"  Resolved,  that  it  is  altogether  unbecoming  the 
dignity  and  character  of  Leapthrough,  for  Leaplow 
to  legislate  on  the  subject  of  so  petty  a  consideration 
as  a  certain  pitiful  treaty  between  the  two  coun 
tries." 

"  Unanimity — unanimity !"  was  shouted  by  fifty 
voices.  Unanimity  there  was;  and  then  the  wrhole 
house  set  to  work,  shaking  hands  and  hugging  each 
other,  in  pure  joy  at  the  success  of  the  honorable 
and  ingenious  manner  in  which  it  had  got  rid  of 
this  embarrassing  and  impertinent  question. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

An  effect  of  logarithms  on  morals — An  obscuration,  a  disser 
tation,  and  a  calculation. 

THE  house  had  not  long  adjourned  before  Cap 
tain  Poke  and  myself  were  favored  with  a  visit 
from  our  colleague  Mr.  Downright,  who  came  on 
an  affair  of  absorbing  interest.  He  carried  in  his 
hand  a  small  pamphlet ;  and  the  usual  salutations 
were  scarcely  over,  before  he  directed  our  attention 


THE   MONIKINS.  185 

to  a  portion  of  its  contents.  Jt  would  seem  that 
Leaplow  was  on  the  eve  of  experiencing  a  great 
moral  eclipse.  The  periods  and  dates  of  the  phe 
nomenon  (if  that  can  be  called  a  phenomenon 
which  was  of  too  frequent  occurrence)  had  been 
calculated,  with  surprising  accuracy,  by  the  acade 
my  of  Leaphigh,  and  sent,  through  its  minister,  as 
an  especial  favor*  to  our  beloved  country,  in  order 
that  we  should  not  be  taken  by  surprise.  The  ac 
count  of  the  affair  read  as  follows : — 

"  On  the  third  day  of  the  season  of  nuts,  there 
will  be  the  commencement  of  a  great  moral  eclipse* 
in  that  portion  of  the  monikin  region  which  lies 
immediately  about  the  pole.  The  property  in  eclipse 
will  be  the  great  moral  postulate  usually  designated 
by  the  term  Principle ;  and  the  intervening  body 
will  be  the  great  immoral  postulate,  usually  known 
as  Interest.  The  frequent  occurrence  of  the  con 
junction  of  these  two  important  postulates  has 
caused  our  moral  mathematicians  to  be  rather  neg 
ligent  of  their  calculations  on  this  subject,  of  late 
years;  but,  to  atone  for  this  inexcusable  indifference 
to  one  of  the  most  important  concerns  of  life,  the 
calculating  committee  was  instructed  to  pay  unusual 
attention  to  all  the  obscurations  of  the  present  year 
and  this  phenomenon,  one  of  the  most  decided  of 
our  age,  has  been  calculated  with  the  utmost  nicety 
and  care.  We  give  the  results. 
!  "  The  eclipse  will  commence  by  a  motive  of  mo 
nikin  vanity  coming  in  contact  with  the  sub-postu 
late  of  charity,  at  1  A.  M.  The  postulate  in  question 
will  be  totally  hid  from  view,  in  the  course  of  6  h. 
17  in.  from  the  moment  of  contact.  The  passage 
of  a  political  intrigue  will  instantly  follow,  when 
the  several  sub-postulates  of  truth,  honesty,  disin 
terestedness  and  patriotism,  will  all  be  obscured  in 
succession,  beginning  with  the  lower  limb  of  the 
16* 


186  fUE   MONIKINS. 


first;  and  ending  with  all  the  limbs  of  the  whole  of 
them,  in  3  h.  42  m.  from  the  moment  of  contact. 
The  shadow  of  vanity  and  political  intrigue  will 
first  be  deepened  by  the  approach  of  prosperity, 
and  this  will  be  soon  succeeded  by  the  contact  of  a 
great  pecuniary  interest,  at  10  h.  2  m.  1  s.  ;  and  in 
exactly  2  s.  and  3-7  s*,  the  whole  of  the  great 
moral  postulate  of  Principle  will  be  totally  hid  from 
view.  In  consequence  of  this  early  passage  of  the 
darkest  shadow  that  is  ever  cast  by  Interest,  the 
passages  of  the  respective  shadows  of  ambition,  ha 
tred,  jealousy,  and  all  the  other  minor  satellites  of 
Interest,  will  be  invisible. 

"  The  country  principally  affected  by  this  eclipse 
will  be  the  republic  of  Leaplow,  a  community  whose 
known  intelligence  and  virtues  are  perhaps  better 
qualified  to  resist  its  influence  than  any  other.  The 
time  of  occupation  will  be  9  y.  7  m.  26  d.  4  h.  16 
m.  2  s.  Principle  will  begin  to  reappear  to  the 
moral  eye  at  the  end  of  this  period,  first  by  the 
approach  of  Misfortune,  whose  atmosphere  being 
much  less  dense  than  that  of  Interest,  will  allow  of 
imperfect  views  of  the  obscured  postulate  ;  but  the 
radiance  of  the  latter  will  not  be  completely  restored 
until  the  arrival  of  Misery,  whose  chastening 
colors  invariably  permit  all  truths  to  be  discernible, 
although  through  a  sombre  medium.  To  resume:  — 

"  Beginning  of  eclipse,  1  A.  M. 
Ecliptic  opposition,     in  4  y.  6  m.  12  d.  9  h.  from 

beginning  of  eclipse. 
Middle,  in  4  y.  9  m.  0  d.  7.  h.  9  m. 

from  beginning  of  eclipse. 
End  of  eclipse,  9  y.  1  1  m.  20  d.  3  h.  2  m. 

from  beginning. 
Period  of  occultation,  9  y.  7  m.  26  d.  4  h.  16  m.  2  s." 

I  gazed  at  the  Brigadier  in  admiration  and  awe. 
There  was  nothing  remarkable  in  the  eclipse  itself, 


THE   MONIKlNS.  187 

which  was  quite  an  every-day  affair ;  but  the  preci 
sion  with  which  it  had  been  calculated  added  to  its 
other  phenomena  the  terrible  circumstance  of  ob 
taining  a  glimpse  into  the  future.  I  now  began  to 
perceive  the  immense  difference  between  living 
consciously  under  a  moral  shadow,  and  living  under 
it  unconsciously.  The  latter  was  evidently  a  trifle 
compared  to  the  former.  Providence  had  most 
kindly  provided  for  our  happiness  in  denying  the 
ability  to  see  beyond  the  present  moment. 

Noah  took  the  affair  even  more  at  heart  than 
myself.  He  told  me,  with  a  rueful  and  prognosti 
cating  countenance,  that  we  were  fast  drawing  near 
to  the  autumnal  equinox,  when  we  should  reach  the 
commencement  of  a  natural  night  of  six  months' 
duration ;  and  although  the  benevolent  substitute  of 
steam  might  certainly  in  some  degree  lessen  the 
evil,  that  it  was  a  furious  evil,  after  aij,  to  exist  for 
a  period  so  weary  without  enjoying  the  light  of  the 
sun.  He  found  the  eternal  glare  of  day  bad  enough, 
but  he  did  not  believe  he  should  be  able  to  endure 
its  total  absence.  Natur'  had  made  him  a  '  watch 
and  watch'  crittur'.  As  for  the  twilight  of  which  so 
much  was  said,  it  was  worse  than  nothin',  being 
neither  one  thing  nor  the  other.  For  his  part,  he 
liked  things  '  made  out  of  whole  cloth.'  Then  he 
had  sent  the  ship  round  to  a  distant  roadstead,  in 
order  that  there  might  be  no  more  post-captains 
and  rear-admirals  among  the  people ;  and  here  had 
he  been  as  much  as  four  days  on  nothing  but  nuts. 
Nuts  might  do  for  the  philosophy  of  a  monkey,  but 
he  found,  on  trial,  that  it  played  the  devil  with  the 
philosophy  of  a  man.  Things  were  bad  enough  as 
they  were.  He  pined  for  a  little  pork — he  cared 
not  who  knew  it ;  it  might  not  be  very  sentimental, 
he  knew,  but  it  was  capital  sea-food;  his  natur' 
was  pretty  much  pork ;  he  believed  most  men  had, 
in  some  way  or  other,  more  or  less  pork  in  their 


188  THE    MONIKINS. 

human  natur's ;  nuts  might  do  for  monikin  natur', 
but  human  natur'  loved  meat;  if  monikins  did  not 
like  it,  monikins  need  not  eat  it;  there  would  be  so 
much  the  more  for  those  that  did  like  it — he  pined 
for  his  natural  aliment,  and  as  for  living  nine  years 
in  an  eclipse,  it  was  quite  out  of  the  question.  The 
longest  Stunin'tun  eclipses  seldom  went  over  three 
hours — he  once  knew  Deacon  Spiteful  pray  quite 
through  one,  from  apogee  to  perigee.  He  therefore 
proposed  that  Sir  John  and  he  should  resign  their 
seats  without  delay,  and  that  they  should  try  to  get 
the  Walrus  to  the  north'ard  as  quick  as  possible,  lest 
they  should  be  caught  in  the  polar  night.  As  for 
the  Hon.  Robert  Smut,  he  wished  hirn  no  better  luck 
than  to  remain  where  he  was  all  his  life,  and  to 
receive  his  eight  dollars  a  day  in  acorns. 

Although  it  was  impossible  not  to  hear,  and,  hav 
ing  heard,  n<^  to  record  the  sentiments  of  Noah, 
still  my  attention  was  much  more  strongly  attracted 
by  the  demeanor  of  the  Brigadier,  than  by  the  jere 
miad  of  the  sealer.  To  an  anxious  inquiry  if  he 
were  not  well,  our  worthy  colleague  answered 
plaintively,  that  he  mourned  over  the  misfortune  of 
his  country. 

"  I  have  often  witnessed  the  passage  of  the  pas 
sions,  and  of  the  minor  motives,  across  the  disk  of 
the  great  moral  postulate,  Principle ;  but  an  occul- 
tation  of  its  light  by  a  Pecuniary  Interest,  and  for 
so  long  a  period,  is  fearful !  Heaven  only  knows 
what  will  become  of  us !" 

"Are  not  these  eclipses,  after  all,  so  many  mere 
illustrations  of  the  social-stake  system  ?  I  confess 
this  occultation,  of  which  you  seem  to  have  so  much 
dread,  is  not  so  formidable  a  thing,  on  reflection,  as 
it  at  first  appeared  to  be." 

"  You  are  quite  right,  Sir  John,  as  to  the  char 
acter  of  the  eclipse  itself,  which,  as  a  matter  of 


THE    MONIKINS.  189 

course,  must  depend  on  the  character  of  the  inter 
vening  body.  But  the  wisest  and  best  of  our  phi 
losophers  hold  that  the  entire  system  of  which  we 
are  but  insignificant  parts,  is  based  on  certain  im 
mutable  truths  of  a  divine  origin.  The  premises,  or 
postulates,  of  all  these  truths,  are  so  many  moral 
guides  in  the  management  of  monikin  affairs ;  and, 
the  moment  they  are  lost  sight  of,  as  will  be  the 
case  during  these  frightful  nine  years  that  are  to 
come,  we  shall  be  abandoned  entirely  to  selfishness. 
Now  selfishness  is  only  too  formidable  when  re 
strained  by  Principle ;  but,  left  to  its  own  grasping 
desires  and  audacious  sophisms,  to  me  the  moral 
perspective  is  terrible.  We  are  only  too  much  ad 
dicted  to  turn  our  eyes  from  Principle,  when  it  is 
shining  in  heavenly  radiance,  and  in  full  glory, 
before  us;  it  is  not  difficult,  therefore,  to  foresee 
the  nature  of  the  consequences  which*are  to  follow 
its  total  and  protracted  obscuration." 

"  You  then  conceive  there  is  a  rule  superior  to 
interest,  which  ought  to  be  respected  in  the  control 
of  monikin  affairs?" 

.     "  Beyond  a  doubt ;  else  in  what  should  we  differ 
from  the  beasts  of  prey  ?" 

"  I  do  not  exactly  see  whether  this  does,  or  does 
not,  accord  with  the  notions  of  the  political  econo 
mists  of  the  social-stake  system." 

"As  you  say,  Sir  John,  it  does,  and  it  does  not. 
Your  social-stake  system  supposes  that  he  who  has 
what  is  termed  a  distinct  and  prominent  interest  in 
society,  will  be  the  most  likely  to  conduct  its  affairs 
wisely,  justly,  and  disinterestedly.  This  would  be 
true,  if  those  great  principles  which  lie  at  the  root 
of  all  happiness  were  respected ;  but  unluckily,  the 
stake  in  question,  instead  of  being  a  stake  in  jus 
tice  and  virtue,  is  usually  reduced  to  be  merely  a 
stake  in  property.  Now,  all  experience  shows  that 


190  THE    MONIKINS. 

the  great  property-incentives  are  to  increase  pro 
perty,  protect  property,  and  to  buy  with  property, 
those  advantages  which  ought  to  be  independent  of 
property,  viz;  honors,  dignities,  power  and  immu 
nities.  I  cannot  say  how  it  is  with  men,  but  our 
histories  are  eloquent  on  this  head.  We  have  had 
the  property-principle  carried  out  thoroughly  in  our 
practice,  and  the  result  has  shown  that  its  chief 
operation  is  to  render  property  as  intact  as  pos 
sible,  and  the  bones,  and  sinews,  and  marrow  of  all 
who  do  not  possess  it,  its  slaves.  In  short,  the  time 
has  been,  when  the  rich  were  even  exempt  from  con 
tributing  to  the  ordinary  exigencies  of  the  state. 
But  it  is  quite  useless  to  theorize  on  this  subject,  for, 
by  that  cry  in  the  streets,  the  lower  limb  of  the  great 
postulate  is  beginning  to  be  obscured,  and,  alas !  we 
shall  soon  have  too  much  practical  information." 

The  Brigadier  was  right.  On  referring  to  the 
clocks,  it  was  found  that,  in  truth,  the  eclipse  had 
commenced  some  time  before,  and  that  we  were 
on  the  verge  of  an  absolute  occultation  of  Princi 
ple,  by  the  basest  and  most  sordid  of  all  motives, 
Pecuniary  Interest. 

The  first  proof  that  was  given  of  the  true  state 
of  things*  was  in  the  language  of  the  people.  The 
word  interest  was  in  every  monikin's  mouth,  while 
the  word  principle,  as  indeed  was  no  more  than 
suitable,  seemed  to  be  quite  blotted  out  of  the  Leap- 
low  vocabulary.  To  render  a  local  term  into 
English,  half  of  the  vernacular  of  the  country  ap 
peared  to  be  compressed  into  the  single  word  "  dol 
lar."  "  Dollar — dollar — dollar" — nothing  but  "  dol 
lar!"  "Fifty  thousand  dollars — twenty  thousand 
dollars — a  hundred  thousand  dollars" — met  one  at 
every  turn.  The  words  rang  at  the  corners — in  the 
public  ways — at  the  exchange — in  the  drawing- 
rooms — ay,  even  in  the  churches.  If  a  temple  had 
been  reared  for  the  worship  of  the  Creator,  the  first 


THE    MONIKINS.  191 

question  was,  how  much  did  it  cost  ? — If  an  artist 
submitted  the  fruits  of  his  labors  to  the  taste  of  his 
fellow-citizens,  conjectures  were  whispered  among 
the  spectators,  touching  its  value  in  the  current 
coin  of  the  republic. — If  an  author  presented  the 
offspring  of  his  genius  to  the  same  arbiters,  its 
merits  were  settled  by  a  similar  standard;  and  one 
divirje,  who  had  made  a  strenuous,  but  an  ill-timed 
appeal  to  the  charity  of  his  countrymen,  by  setting 
forth  the  beauties  as  well  as  the  rewards  of  the 
god-like  property,  was  fairly  put  down  by  a  demon 
stration  that  his  proposition  involved  a  considerable 
outlay,  while  it  did  not  clearly  show  much  was  to 
be  gained  by  going  to  heaven ! 

Brigadier  Downright  had  good  reasons  for  his 
sombre  anticipations,  for  all  the  acquirements,  know 
ledge,  and  experience,  obtained  in  many  years  of 
travel,  were  now  found  to  be  worse  than  useless. 
If  my  honorable  colleague  and  co- voyager  ventured 
a  remark  on  the  subject  of  foreign  policy,  a  portion 
of  politics  to  which  he  had  given  considerable  atten 
tion,  it  was  answered  by  a  quotation  from  the  stock- 
market  ;  an  observation  on  a  matter  of  taste  was 
certain  to  draw  forth  a  nice  distinction  between  the 
tastes  of  certain  liquors,  together  with  a  shrewd  in 
vestigation  of  their  several  prices ;  and  once,  when 
the  worthy  monikin  undertook  to  show,  from  what 
struck  me  to  be  singularly  good  data,  that  the  foreign 
relations  of  the  country  were  in  a  condition  to  re 
quire  great  firmness,  a  proper  prudence,  and  much 
foresight,  he  was  completely  silenced  by  an  an 
tagonist  showing,  from  the  last  sales,  the  high  value 
of  lots  up-town ! 

In  short,  there  was  no  dealing  with  any  subject 
that  could  not  resolve  itself  into  dollars,  by  means 
of  the  customary  exchanges.  The  infatuation  spread 
from  father  to  son ;  from  husband  to  wife ;  from 


192  THE    MONIKIXS. 

brother  to  sister,  and  from  one  collateral  to  an 
other,  until  it  pretty  effectually  assailed  the  whole 
of  what  is  usually  termed  "  society."  Noah  swore 
bitterly  at  this  antagonist  state  of  things.  He  af 
firmed  that  he  could  not  even  crack  a  walnut  in  a 
corner,  but  every  monikin  that  passed  appeared  to 
grudge  him  the  satisfaction,  small  as  it  was;  and 
that  Stunin'tun,  though  a  scramble-penny  place  as 
any  he  knew,  was  paradise  to  Leaplow,  in  the 
present  state  of  things. 

It  was  melancholy  to  remark  how  the  lustre  of 
the  ordinary  virtues  grew  dim,  as  the  period  of  oc- 
cultation  continued,  and  the  eye  gradually  got  to  be 
accustomed  to  the  atmosphere  cast  by  the  shadow 
of  Pecuniary  Interest.  I  involuntarily  shuddered 
at  the  open  and  undisguised  manner  in  which  indi 
viduals,  who  might  otherwise  pass  for  respectable 
monikins,  spoke  of  the  means  that  they  habitually 
employed  in  effecting  their  objects,  and  laid  bare  their 
utter  forgetfulness  of  the  great  postulate  that  was 
hid.  One  coolly  vaunted  how  much  cleverer  he  was 
than  the  law;  another  proved  to  demonstration  that 
he  had  outwitted  his  neighbor;  while  a  third,  more 
daring  or  more  expert,  applied  the  same  grounds 
of  exultation  to  the  entire  neighborhood.  This  had 
the  merit  of  cunning;  that  of  dissimulation;  another 
of  deception,  and  all  of  success ! 

The  shadow  cast  its  malign  influence  on  every 
interest  connected  with  monikin  life.  Temples  were 
raised  to  God  on  speculation ;  the  government  was 
perverted  to  a  money-investment,  in  which  profit, 
and  not  justice  and  security,  was  the  object ;  holy 
wedlock  fast  took  the  aspect  of  buying  and  selling, 
and  few  prayed  who  did  not  identify  spiritual  bene 
fits  with  gold  and  silver. 

The  besetting  propensity  of  my  ancestor  soon 
began  to  appear  in  Leaplow.  Many  of  these  pure 


THE   MONIKINS.  193 

and  unsophisticated  republicans  shouted  "Property 
is  in  danger !"  as  stoutly  as  it  was  ever  roared  by 
Sir  Joseph  Job,  and  dark  allusions  were  made  to 
"  revolutions"  and  "  bayonets."  But  certain  proof 
of  the  prevalence  of  the  eclipse,  and  that  the  shadow 
of  Pecuniary  Interest  lay  dark  on  the  land,  was  to 
be  found  in  the  language  of  what  are  called  the 
"  few."  They  began  to  throw  dirt  at  all  opposed 
to  them,  like  so  many  fish-women;  a  sure  symptom 
that  the  spirit  of  selfishness  was  thoroughly  awa 
kened.  From  much  experience,  I  hold  this  sign 
to  be  infallible  that  the  sentiment  of  aristocracy  is 
active  and  vigilant.  I  never  yet  visited  a  country 
in  which  a  minority  got  into  its  head  the  crotchet 
it  was  alone  fit  to  dictate  to  the  rest  of  its  fellow- 
creatures,  that  it  did  not,  without  delay,  set  about 
proving  its  position,  by  reviling  and  calling  names. 
In  this  particular  "  the  few"  are  like  women,  who, 
conscious  of  their  weakness,  seldom  fail  to  make 
up  for  the  want  of  vigor  in  their  limbs,  by  having 
recourse  to  the  vigor  of  the  tongue.  The  "  one" 
hangs;  the  "many"  command  by  the  dignity  of 
force ;  the  "  few"  vituperate  and  scold.  This  is,  I 
believe,  the  case  all  over  the  world,  except  in  those 
peculiar  instances,  in  which  the  "few"  happen  also 
to  enjoy  the  privilege  of  hanging. 

It  is  worthy  of  remark  that  the  terms  "rabble," 
"disorganizes,"  "jacobins,"  and  "  agrarians"*  were 

*  It  is  scarcely  necessary  to  tell  the  intelligent  reader 
there  is  no  proof  that  any  political  community  was  ever  so 
bent  on  self-destruction  as  to  enact  agrarian  laws,  in  the  vul 
gar  sense  in  which  it  has  suited  the  arts  of  narrow-minded 
politicians  to  represent  them  ever  since  the  revival  of  letters. 
The  celebrated  agrarian  laws  of  Rome  did  not  essentially  dif 
fer  from  the  distribution  of  our  own  military  lands,  or  perhaps 
the  similitude  is  greater  to  the  modern  Russian  military  colo 
nies.  Those  who  feel  an  interest  in  this  subject  would  do 
well  to  consult  Niebuhr. — Note  by  the  Editor. 
VOL.  II.  17 


194  THE    MONIKINS. 

bandied  from  one  to  the  other,  in  Leaplow,  under 
this  malign  influence,  with  precisely  the  same  jus 
tice,  discrimination  and  taste,  as  they  had  been  used 
by  my  ancestor  in  London,  a  few  years  before. 
Like  causes  notoriously  produce  like  effects ;  and 
there  is  no  one  thing  so  much  like  an  Englishman 
under  the  property-fever,  as  a  Leaplow  monikin 
suffering  under  the  same  malady. 

The  effect  produced  on  the  state  of  parties  by 
the  passage  of  the  shadow  of  Pecuniary  Interest, 
was  so  singular  as  to  deserve  our  notice.  Patriots 
who  had  long  been  known  for  an  indomitable  reso 
lution  to  support  their  friends,  openly  abandoned  their 
claims  on  the  rewards  of  the  little  wheel,  and  went 
over  to  the  enemy;  and  this,  too,  without  recourse 
to  the  mysteries  of  the  "flap-jack."  Judge  People's 
Friend  was  completely  annihilated  for  the  moment — • 
so  much  so,  indeed,  as  to  think  seriously  of  taking 
another  mission — for,  during  these  eclipses,  long  ser 
vice,  public  virtue,  calculated  amenity,  and  all  the 
other  bland  qualities  of  your  patriot,  pass  for  nothing, 
when  weighed  in  the  scale  against  profit  and  loss. 
It  was  fortunate  the  Leapthrough  question  was,  in  its 
essence,  so  well  disposed  of,  though  the  uneasiness 
of  those  who  bought  and  sold  land  by  the  inch, 
pushed  even  that  interest  before  the  public  again, 
by  insisting  that  a  few  millions  should  be  expended 
in. destroying  the  munitions  of  war,  lest  the  nation 
might  improvidently  be  tempted  to  make  use  of 
them  in  the  natural  way.  The  cruisers  were  ac 
cordingly  hauled  into  the  stream  and  converted 
into  tide-mills,  the  gun-barrels  were  transformed 
into  gas-pipes,  and  the  forts  were  converted,  as  fast 
as  possible,  into  warehouses  and  tea-gardens.  After 
this,  it  was  much  the  fashion  to  affirm  that  the 
advanced  state  of  civilization  had  rendered  all  future 
wars  quite  out  of  the  question.  Indeed,  the  impetus 


THE   MONIKINS.  195 

that  was  given,  oy  the  effects  of  the  shadow,  in  this 
way,  to  humanity  in  gross,  was  quite  as  remark 
able  as  were  its  contrary  tendencies  on  humanity 
in  detail. 

Public  opinion  was  not  backward  in  showing  how 
completely  it  was  acting  under  the  influence  of  the 
shadow.  Virtue  began  to  be  estimated  by  rent-rolls. 
The  affluent,  without  hesitation,  or,  indeed,  opposi 
tion,  appropriated  to  themselves  the  sole  use  of  the 
word  respectable,  while  taste,  judgment,  honesty, 
and  wisdom,  dropped  like  so  many  heir-looms 
quietly  into  the  possession  of  those  who  had  money. 
The  Leaplowers  are  a  people  of  great  acuteness, 
and  of  singular  knowledge  of  details.  Every  con 
siderable  man  in  Bivouac  soon  had  his  social  station 
assigned  him,  the  whole  community  being  divided 
into  classes,  of  "  hundred-thousand-dollar  monikins" 
— "  fifty-thousand-dollar  monikins" — "  twenty-thou 
sand-dollar  monikins."  Great  conciseness  in  lan 
guage  was  a  consequence  of  this  state  of  feeling. 
The  old  questions  of*'  is  he  honest  ?'  '  is  he  capable!' 
'is  he  enlightened?'  'is  he  wise?'  'is  he  good?' 
being  all  comprehended  in  the  single  interrogatory 
of  '  is  he  richl' 

There  was  one  effect  of  this  very  unusual  state 
of  things,  that  I  had  not  anticipated.  All  the  money- 
getting  classes,  without  exception,  showed  a  singu 
lar  predilection  in  favor  of  what  is  commonly  called 
a  strong  government ;  and  Leaplow  being  not  only 
a  republic,  but  virtually  a  democracy,  I  found  that 
much  the  larger  portion  of  this  highly  respectable 
class  of  citizens,  was  not  at  all  backward  in  ex 
pressing  its  wish  for  a  change. 

"How  is  this?"  I  demanded  of  the  Brigadier, 
whom  I  rarely  quitted ;  for  his  advice  and  opinions 
were  of  great  moment  to  me,  just  at  this  particular 
crisis — "how  is  this,  my  good  friend?-— I  have 


196  THE   MONIKINS. 

always  been  led  to  think  that  trade  is  especially 
favorable  to  liberty ;  and  here  are  all  your  com 
mercial  interests  the  loudest  in  their  declamations 
against  the  institutions." 

The  Brigadier  smiled ;  it  was  but  a  melancholy 
smile,  after  all;  for  his  spirits  appeared  to  have 
quite  deserted  him. 

"  There  are  three  great  divisions  among  politi 
cians,"  he  said ; — "  they  who  do  not  like  liberty  at 
all — they  who  like  it,  as  low  down  as  their  own 
particular  class — and  they  who  like  it,  for  the  sake 
of  their  fellow-creatures.  The  first  are  not  numer 
ous,  but  powerful  by  means  of  combinations ;  the 
second  is  a  very  irregular  corps,,  including,  as  a 
matter  of  course,  nearly  every  body,  but  is  want 
ing,  of  necessity,  in  concert  and  discipline,  since  no 
one  descends  below  his  own  level ;  the  third  are  but 
few,  alas,  how  few !  and  are  composed  of  those 
who  look  beyond  their  own  selfishness.  Now,  your 
merchants,  dwelling  in  towns,  and  possessing  con 
cert,  means,  and  identity  of  interests,  have  been 
able  to  make  themselves  remarkable  for  contending 
with  despotic  power,  a  fact  which  has  obtained  for 
them  a  cheap  reputation  for  liberality  of  opinion ; 
but,  so  far  as  monikin  experience  goes — men  may 
have  proved  to  be  better  disposed — no  government 
that  is  essentially  .influenced  by  commerce  has  ever 
been  otherwise  than  exclusive,  or  aristocratic." 

I  bethought  me  of  Venice,  Genoa,  Pisa,  the  Hanse 
Towns,  and  all  the  other  remarkable  places  of  this 
character  in  Europe,  and  I  felt  the  justice  of  my 
friend's  distinction,  at  the  same  time  I  could  not 
but  observe  how  much  more  the  minds  of  men 
are  under  the  influence  of  names  and  abstractions, 
than  under  the  influence  of  positive  things.  To 
this  opinion  the  Brigadier  very  readily  assented, 
remarking,  at  the  same  time,  that  a  well-wrought 


THE    MONIKINS,  197 

theory  had  generally  more  effect  on  opinion  than 
fifty  facts;  a  result  that  he  attributed  to  the  circum 
stance  of  monikins  having  a  besetting  predisposition 
to  save  themselves  the  trouble  of  thinking. 

I  was,  in  particular,  struck  with  the  effect  of  the 
occultation  of  Principle  on  motives.  I  had  often 
remarked  that  it  was  by  no  means  safe  to  depend 
on  one's  own  motives,  for  two  sufficient  reasons ; 
first,  that  we  did  not  always  know  what  our  own 
motives  were ;  and  secondly,  admitting  that  we  did, 
it  was  quite  unreasonable  to  suppose  that  our 
friends  would  believe  them  what  we  thought  them 
to  be  ourselves.  In  the  present  instance,  every 
monikin  seemed  perfectly  aware  of  the  difficulty; 
and,  instead  of  waiting  for  his  acquaintances  to 
attribute  some  moral  enormity  as  his  governing 
reason,  he  prudently  adopted  a  moderately  selfish 
inducement  for  his  acts,  which  he  proclaimed  with 
a  simplicity  and  frankness  that  generally  obtained 
credit.  Indeed,  the  fact  once  conceded  that  the 
motive  was  not  offensively  disinterested  and  just, 
no  one  was  indisposed  to  listen  to  the  projects  of 
his  friend,  who  usually  rose  in  estimation,  as  he  was 
found  to  be  ingenious,  calculating  and  shrewd. 
The  effect  of  all  this  was  to  render  society  singu 
larly  sincere  and  plain-spoken ;  and  one  unaccus 
tomed  to  so  much  ingenuousness,  or  who  was 
ignorant  of  the  cause,  might,  plausibly  enough, 
suppose,  at  times,  that  accident  had  thrown  him  into 
an  extraordinary  association  with  so  many  artistes, 
who,  as  it  is  commonly  expressed,  live  by  their  wits. 
I  will  avow  that,  had  it  been  the  fashion  to  wear 
pockets  at  Leaplow,  I  should  often  have  been  con 
cerned  for  their  contents ;  for  sentiments  so  purely 
unsophisticated,  were  so  openly  advanced  under  the 
influence  of  the  shadow,  that  one  was  inevitably 
led,  oftener  than  was  pleasant,  to  think  of  the  rela- 
17* 


198  THE   MONIKINS. 

tions  between  meum  and  tuum,  as  well  as  of  the 
unexpected  causes  by  which  they  were  sometimes 
disturbed. 

A  vacancy  occurred,  the  second  day  of  the 
eclipse,  among  the  representatives  of  Bivouac,  and 
the  candidate  of  the  Horizontals  would  certainly 
have  been  chosen  to  fill  it,  but  for  a  contre-lems 
connected  with  this  affair  of  motives.  The  individual 
in  question  had  lately  performed  that  which,  in  most 
other  countries,  and  under  other  circumstances, 
would  have  passed  for  an  act  of  creditable  national 
feeling ;  but  which,  quite  as  a  matter  of  course,  was 
eagerly  presented  to  the  electors,  by  his  opponents, 
as  a  proof  of  his  utter  unfitness  to  be  intrusted  with 
their  interests.  The  friends  of  the  candidate  took 
the  alarm,  and  indignantly  denied  the  charges  of 
the  Perpendiculars,  affirming  that  their  monikin 
had  been  well  paid  for  what  he  had  done.  In  an 
evil  hour,  the  candidate  undertook  to  explain,  by 
means  of  a  handbill,  in  which  he  stated  that  he  had 
been  influenced  by  no  other  motive  than  a  desire 
to  do  that  which  he  believed  to  be  right.  Such  a 
person  was  deemed  to  be  wanting  in  natural  abili 
ties,  and,  as  a  matter  of  course,  he  was  defeated  ; 
for  your  Leaplow  elector  was  not  such  an  ass  as  to 
confide  the  care  of  his  interests  to  one  who  knew 
so  little  how  to  take  care  of  his  own. 

About  this  time,  too,  a  celebrated  dramatist  pro 
duced  a  piece  in  which  the  hero  performed  prodi 
gies  under  the  excitement  of  patriotism,  and  the 
labor  of  his  pen  was  incontinently  damned  for  his 
pains ;  both  pit  and  boxes — the  galleries  dissenting — 
deciding  that  it  was  out  of  all  nature  to  represent  a 
monikin  incurring  danger,  in  this  unheard-of  man 
ner,  without  a  motive.  The  unhappy  wight  altered 
the  last  scene,  by  causing  his  hero  to  be  rewarded 
by  a  good,  round  sum  of  money,  when  the  piece 


THE   MONIKINS.  199 

had  a  very  respectable  run  for  the  rest  of  the  sea 
son,  though  I  question  if  it  ever  were  as  popular  as 
it  would  have  been,  had  this  precaution  been  taken 
before  it  was  first  acted. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

The  importance  of  motives  to  a  legislator — Moral  consecutive- 
ness,  comets,  kites,  and  a  convoy;  with  some  every-day 
legislation ;  together  with  cause  and  effect.  - 

LEGISLATION,  during  the  occultation  of  the  great 
moral  postulate  Principle  by  the  passage  of  Pecu 
niary  Interest,  is,  at  the  best,  but  a  melancholy 
affair.  It  proved  to  be  peculiarly  so  with  us  just 
at  that  moment,  for  the  radiance  of  the  divine 
property  had  been  a  good  deal  obscured,  in  the 
houses,  for  a  long  time  previously,  by  the  inter 
ference  of  various  minor  satellites.  In  nothing, 
therefore,  did  the  deplorable  state  of  things  which 
existed  make  itself  more  apparent,  than  in  our 
proceedings. 

As  Captain  Poke  and  myself,  notwithstanding 
our  having  taken  different  stands  in  politics,  still 
continued  to  live  together,  I  had  better  opportuni 
ties  to  note  the  workings  of  the  obscuration  on  the 
ingenuous  mind  of  my  colleague  than  on  that  of 
most  other  persons.  He  early  began  to  keep  a  diary 
of  his  expenses,  regularly  deducting  the  amount  at 
night  from  the  sum  of  eight  dollars,  and  regarding 
the  balance  as  so  much  clear  gain.  His  conversa 
tion,  too,  soon  betrayed  a  leaning  to  his  personal  in 
terests,  instead  of  being  of  that  pure  and  elevated 
cast  which  should  characterize  the  language  of  a 


200  THE   MONIK1N8. 

statesman,  He  laid  down  the  position,  pretty  dog 
matically,  that  legislation,  after  all,  was  work;  that 
"  the  laborer  was  worthy  of  his  hire ;"  and  that,  for 
his  part,  he  felt  no  great  disposition  to  go  through 
the  vexation  and  trouble  of  helping  to  make  laws, 
unless  he  could  see,  with  a  reasonable  certainty, 
that  something  was  to  be  got  by  it.  He  thought 
Leaplow  had  quite  laws  enough  as  it  was — more 
than  she  respected  or  enforced — and  if  she  wanted 
any  more,  all  she  had  to  do  was  to  pay  for  them. 
He  should  take  an  early  occasion  to  propose  that 
all  our  wages — or,  at  any  rate,  his  own;  others 
might  do  as  they  pleased — should  be  raised,  at  the 
very  least,  two  dollars  a  day,  and  this  while  he 
merely  sat  in  the  house ;  for  he  wished  to  engage 
me  to  move,  by  way  of  amendment,  that  as  much 
more  should  be  given  to  the  committees.  He  did 
not  think  it  was  fair  to  exact  of  a  member  to  be  a 
committee-man  for  nothin',  although  most  of  them 
were  committee-men  for  nothin' ;  and  if  we  were 
called  on  to  keep  two  watches,  in  this  manner,  the 
least  that  could  be  done  would  be  to  give  us  two 
pays.  He  said,  considering  it  in  the  most  favorable 
point  of  view,  that  there  was  great  wear  and  tear 
of  brain  in  legislation,  and  he  should  never  be  the 
man  he  was  before  he  engaged  in  the  trade ;  he 
assured  rne  that  his  idees,  sometimes,  were  so  com 
plicated  that  he  did  not  know  where  to  find  the  one 
he  wanted,  and  that  he  had  wished  for  a  cauda,  a 
thousand  times,  since  he  had  been  in  the  house,  for, 
by  keeping  the  end  of  it  in  his  hand,  like  the  bight 
of  a  rope,  he  might  always  have  suthin'  tangible 
to  cling  to.  He  told  me,  as  a  great  secret,  that  he 
was  fairly  tired  of  rummaging  among  his  thoughts 
for  the  knowledge  necessary  to  understand  what 
was  going  on,  and  that  he  had  finally  concluded  to 
put  himself,  for  the  rest  of  the  session,  under  the 


THE   MONIKINS.  201 

convoy  of  a  God-like.  He  had  been  looking  out  for 
a  fit  fugleman  of  this  sort,  and  he  had  pretty  much 
determined  to  follow  the  signals  of  the  great  God 
like  of  the  Parpendic'lars,  like  the  rest  of  them,  for 
it  would  occasion  less  confusion  in  the  ranks,  and 
enable  him  to  save  himself  a  vast  deal  of  trouble, 
in  making  up  his  mind.  He  didn't  know,  on  the 
whole,  but  eight  dollars  a  day  might  give  a  living 
profit,  provided  he  could  throw  all  the  thinking  on 
his  God-like,  and  turn  his  attention  to  suthin'  else ;  he 
thought  of  writing  his  v'y'ges,  for  he  understood 
that  anything  from  foreign  parts  took  like  wild-fire 
in  Leaplow ;  and  if  they  didn't  take,  he  could  always 
project  charts  for  a  living. 

Perhaps  it  will  be  necessary  to  explain  what 
Noah  meant  by  saying  that  he  thought  of  engaging 
a  God-like.  The  reader  has  had  some  insight  into 
the  nature  of  one  set  of  political  leaders  in  Leap- 
low,  who  are  known  by  the  name  of  the  Most 
Patriotic  Patriots.  These  persons,  it  is  scarcely 
necessary  to  say,  are  always  with  the  majority,  or 
in  a  situation  to  avail  themselves  of  the  evolutions 
of  the  little  wheel.  Their  great  rotatory  principle 
keeps  them  pretty  constantly  in  motion,  it  is  true ; 
but  while  there  is  a  centrifugal  force  to  maintain 
this  action,  great  care  has  been  had  to  provide  a 
centripetal  counterpoise,  in  order  to  prevent  them 
from  bolting  out  of  the  political  orbit.  It  is  supposed 
to  be  owing  to  this  peculiarity  in  their  party  organ 
izations,  that  your  Leaplow  patriot  is  so  very 
remarkable  for  going  round  and  round  a  subject, 
without  ever  touching  it. 

As  an  off-set  to  this  party  arrangement,  the  Per 
pendiculars  have  taken  refuge  in  the  God-likes.  A 
God-like,  in  Leaplow  politics,  in  some  respects  re 
sembles  a  saint  in  the  Catholic  calendar;  that  is  to 
say,  he  is  canonized,  after  passing  through  a  certain 


202  THE    MONIKINS. 

amount  of  temptation  and  vice  with  a  whole  skin ; 
after  having  his  cause  pleaded  for  a  certain  number 
of  years  before  the  high  authorities  of  his  party ; 
and,  usually,  after  having  had  a  pretty  good  taste 
of  purgatory.  Canonization  attained,  however,  all 
gets  to  be  plain  sailing  with  him.  He  is  spared, 
singular  as  it  may  appear,  even  a  large  portion  of 
his  former  "  wear  and  tear"  of  brains,  as  Noah  had 
termed  it,  for  nothing  puts  one  so  much  at  liberty  in 
this  respect,  as  to  have  full  powers  to  do  all  the  think 
ing.  Thinking  in  company,  like  travelling  in  com 
pany,  requires  that  we  should  have  some  respect  to 
the  movements,  wishes  and  opinions  of  others ;  but 
he  who  gets  a  carte  blanche  for  his  sentiments, 
resembles  the  uncaged  bird,  and  may  fly  in  what 
ever  direction  most  pleases  himself,  and  feel  confi 
dent,  as  he  goes,  that  his  ears  will  be  saluted  with 
the  usual  traveller's  signal  of  "  all's  right."  I  can 
best  compare  the  operation  of  your  God-like  and  his 
votaries,  to  the  action  of  a  locomotive  with  its  rail 
road  train.  As  that  goes,  this  follows;  faster  or 
slower,  the  movement  is  certain  to  be  accompa 
nied  ;  when  the  steam  is  up  they  fly,  when  the  fire 
is  out  they  crawl,  and  that,  too,  with  a  very  uneasy 
sort  of  motion ;  and  when  a  bolt  is  broken,  they 
who  have  just  been  riding  without  the  smallest 
trouble  to  themselves,  are  compelled  to  get  out  and 
push  the  load  ahead  as  well  as  they  can,  frequently 
with  very  rueful  faces,  and  in  very  dirty  ways. 
The  cars  whisk  about,  precisely  as  the  locomotive 
whisks  about,  all  the  turn-outs  are  necessarily  imi 
tated,  and,  in  short,  one  goes  after  the  other  very 
much  as  it  is  reasonable  to  suppose  will  happen 
when  two  bodies  are  chained  together,  and  the 
entire  moving  power  is  given  to  only  one  of  them. 
A  God-like  in  Leaplow,  moreover,  is  usually  a  Rid 
dle.  It  was  the  object  of  Noah  to  hitch  on  to  one  of 


THE   MONIKINS.  203 

these  moral  steam-tugs,  in  order  that  he  too  might 
be  dragged  through  his  duties  without  effort  to 
himself;  an  expedient,  as  the  old  sealer  expressed 
it,  that  would,  in  some  degree,  remedy  his  natural 
want  of  a  cauda,  by  rendering  him  nothing  but  tail. 

"  I  expect,  Sir  John,"  he  said,  for  he  had  a  prac 
tice  of  expecting  by  way  of  conjecture,  "  I  expect 
this  is  the  reason  why  the  Leaplowers  dock  them 
selves.  They  find  it  more  convenient  to  give  up 
the  management  of  their  affairs  to  some  one  of 
these  God-likes,  and  fall  into  his  wake  like  the  tail  of 
a  comet,  which  makes  it  quite  unnecessary  to  have 
any  other  cauda" 

"  I  understand  you ;  they  amputate  to  prevent 
tautology." 

Noah  rarely  spoke  of  any  project  until  his  mind 
was  fairly  made  up;  and  the  execution  usually  soon 
followed  the  proposition.  The  next  thing  I  heard 
of  him,  therefore,  he  was  fairly  under  the  convoy, 
as  he  called  it,  of  one  of  the  most  prominent  of  the 
Riddles.  Curious  to  know  how  he  liked  the  experi 
ment,  after  a  week's  practice,  I  called  his  attention 
to  the  subject,  by  a  pretty  direct  inquiry. 

He  told  me  it  was  altogether  the  pleasantest 
mode  of  legislating  that  had  ever  been  devised.  He 
was  now  perfectly  master  of  his  own  time,  and 
in  fact,  he  was  making  out  a  set  of  charts  for  the 
Leaplow  marine,  a  task  that  was  likely  to  bring 
him  in  a  good  round  sum,  as  pumpkins  were  cheap, 
and  in  the  polar  seas  he  merely  copied  the  monikin 
authorities,  and  out  of  it  he  had  things  pretty  much 
his  own  way.  As  for  the  Great  Allegory,  when  he 
wanted  a  hint  about  it,  or,  indeed,  about  any  other 
point  at  issue,  all  he  had  to  do  was  to  inquire  what 
his  God-like  thought  about  it,  and  to  vote  accord 
ingly.  Then  he  saved  himself  a  great  deal  of  breath 
in  the  way  of  argument  out  of  doors,  for  he  and 


204  THE    MONIKINS. 

the  rest  of  the  clienlelle  of  this  Riddle,  having  offi 
cially  invested  their  patron  with  all  their  own  parts, 
the  result  had  been  such  an  accumulation  of  know 
ledge  in  this  one  individual,  as  enabled  them  ordina 
rily  to  floor  any  antagonist  by  the  simple  quotation 
of  his  authority.  Such  or  such  is  the  opinion  of 
God-like  this  or  of  God-like  that,  was  commonly 
sufficient ;  and  then  there  was  no  lack  of  material, 
for  he  had  taken  care  to  provide  himself  with  a 
Riddle  who,  he  really  believed,  had  given  an  opin 
ion,  at  some  time  or  other,  on  every  side  of  every 
subject  that  had  ever  been  mooted  in  Leaplow.  He 
could  nullify,  or  mollify,  or  qualify,  with  the  best  of 
them ;  and  these,  which  he  termed  the  three  fies,  he 
believed  were  the  great  requisites  of  a  Leaplow 
legislator.  He  admitted,  however,  that  some  show 
of  independence  was  necessary,  in  order  to  give 
value  to  the  opinions  of  even  a  God-like,  for  moni- 
kin  nature  revolted  at  anything  like  total  mental 
dependence;  and  that  he  had  pretty  much  made 
up  his  mind  to  think  for  himself  on  a  question  that 
was  to  be  decided  that  very  day. 

The  case  to  which  the  Captain  alluded  was  this. 
The  city  of  Bivouac  was  divided  into  three  pretty 
nearly  equal  parts,  which  were  separated  from  each 
other  by  two  branches  of  a  marsh ;  one  part  of  the 
town  being  on  a  sort  of  island,  and  the  other  two 
parts  on  the  respective  margins  of  the  low  land. 
It  was  very  desirable  to  connect  these  different  por 
tions  of  the  capital  by  causeways,  and  a  law  to  that 
effect  had  been  introduced  in  the  house.  Every 
body,  in  or  out  of  the  house,  was  in  favor  of  the 
project,  for  the  causeways  had  become,  in  somo 
measure,  indispensable.  The  only  disputed  point 
•was  the  length  of  the  works  in  question.  One  who 
is  but  little  acquainted  with  legislation,  and  who  has 
never  witnessed  the  effects  of  an  occultation  of 


THE   MONIKINS.  205 

the  great  moral  postulate  Principle,  by  the  orb  of 
Pecuniary  Interest,  would  very  plausibly  suppose 
that  the  whole  affair  lay  in  a  nut-shell,  and  that  all 
we  had  to  do  was  to  pass  a  law  ordering  the  cause 
ways  to  extend  just  as  far  as  the  public  conve 
nience  rendered  it  necessary.  But  these  are  mere 
tyros  in  the  affairs  of  monikins.  The  fact  was 
that  there  were  just  as  many  different  opinions  and 
interests  at  work  to  regulate  the  length  of  the  cause 
ways,  as  there  were  owners  of  land  along  their  line 
of  route.  The  great  object  was  to  start  in  what  was 
called  the  business  quarter  of  the  town,  and  then  to 
proceed  with  the  work  as  far  as  circumstances 
would  allow.  We  had  propositions  before  us  in 
favor  of  from  one  hundred  feet  as  far  as  up  to  ten 
thousand.  Every  inch  was  fought  for  with  as  much 
obstinacy  as  if  it  were  an  important  breach  that 
was  defended ;  and  combinations  and  conspiracies 
were  as  rife  as  if  we  were  in  the  midst  of  a  revolu 
tion.  It  was  the  general  idea  that  by  filling  in  with 
dirt,  a  new  town  might  be  built  wherever  the  cause 
way  terminated,  and  fortunes  made  by  an  act  of 
parliament.  The  inhabitants  of  the  island  rallied  en 
masse  against  the  causeway  leading  one  inch  from 
their  quarter,  after  it  had  fairly  reached  it ;  and,  so 
throughout  the  entire  line,  monikins  battled  for  what 
they  called  their  interests,  with  an  obstinacy  worthy 
of  heroes. 

On  this  great  question,  for  it  had,  in  truth,  become 
of  the  last  importance  by  dragging  into  its  consider 
ation  most  of  the  leading  measures  of  the  day,  as 
well  as  six  or  seven  of  the  principal  ordinances  of 
the  Great  National  Allegory,  the  respective  parti 
sans  logically  contending  that,  for  the  time  being, 
nothing  should  advance  a  foot  in  Leaplow  that  did 
not  travel  along  that  causeway,  Noah  determined 
to  take  an  independent  stand.  This  resolution  was 

VOL.  II.  18 


206  THE    MON1KINS. 

not  lightly  formed,  for  he  remained  rather  unde 
cided,  until,  by  waiting  a  sufficient  time,  he  felt 
quite  persuaded  that  nothing  was  to  be  got  by  fol 
lowing  any  other  course.  His  God-like  luckily  was 
in  the  same  predicament,  and  everything  promised 
a  speedy  occasion  to  show  the  world  what  it  was  to 
act  on  principle ;  and  this,  too,  in  the  middle  of  a 
moral  eclipse. 

When  the  question  came  to  be  discussed,  the 
landholders  along  the  first  line  of  the  causeway 
were  soon  reasoned  down  by  the  superior  interests 
of  those  who  lived  on  the  island.  The  rub  was  the 
point  of  permitting  the  work  to  go  any  further. 
The  islanders  manifested  great  liberality,  according 
to  their  account  of  themselves ;  for  they  even  con 
sented  that  the  causeway  should  be  constructed  on 
the  other  marsh  to  precisely  such  a  distance  as  would 
enable  any  one  to  go  as  near  as  possible  to  the  hos 
tile  quarter,  without  absolutely  entering  it.  To 
admit  the  latter,  they  proved  to  demonstration, 
would  be  changing  the  character  of  their  own 
island  from  that  of  an  entrepot  to  that  of  a  mere 
thoroughfare.  No  reasonable  monikin  could  ex 
pect  it  of  them. 

As  the  Horizontals,  by  some  calculation  that  I 
never  understood,  had  satisfied  themselves  it  might 
better  answer  their  purposes  to  construct  the  entire 
work,  than  to  stop  anywhere  between  the  two 
extremes,  my  duty  was  luckily,  on  this  occasion,  in 
exact  accordance  with  my  opinions ;  and,  as  a 
matter  of  course,  I  voted,  this  time,  in  a  way  of 
which  I  could  approve.  Noah,  finding  himself  a  free 
agent,  now  made  his  push  for  character,  and  took 
sides  with  us.  Very  fortunately  we  prevailed,  all 
the  beaten  interests  joining  themselves,  at  the  last 
moment,  to  the  weakest  side,  or,  in  other  words,  to 
that  which  was  right ;  and  Leaplow  presented  the 


THE    MONIKINS.  207 

singular  spectacle  of  having  a  just  enactment  passed 
during  the  occultation  of  the  great  moral  postulate, 
so  often  named.  I  ought  to  mention  that  I  have 
termed  principle  a  postulate,  throughout  this  narra 
tive,  simply  because  it  is  usually  in  the  dilemma  of 
a  disputed  proposition. 

No  sooner  was  the  result  known,  than  my  wor 
thy  colleague  came  round  to  the  Horizontal  side 
of  the  house,  to  express  his  satisfaction  with  him 
self  for  the  course  he  had  just  taken.  He  said  it 
was  certainly  very  convenient  and  very  labor- 
saving  to  obey  a  God-like,  and  that  he  got  on  much 
better  with  his  charts  now  he  was  at  liberty  to  give 
his  whole  mind  to  the  subject;  but  there  was  suthin' 
— he  did  n't  know  what — but  "  a  sort  of  Stunin'tun 
feeling"  in  doing  what  one  thought  right,  after  all, 
that  caused  him  to  be  glad  that  he  had  voted  for 
the  whole  causeway.  He  did  not  own  any  land  in 
Leaplow,  and,  therefore,  he  concluded  that  what  he 
had  done,  he  had  done  for  the  best ;  at  any  rate,  if 
he  had  got  nothih'  by  it,  he  had  lost  nothin'  by  it, 
and  he  hoped  all  would  come  right  in  the  end.  The 
people  of  the  island,  it  is  true,  had  talked  pretty  fair 
about  what  they  would  do  for  those  who  should 
sustain  their  interests,  but  he  had  got  sick  of  a  cur 
rency  in  promises ;  and  fair  words,  at  his  time  of 
life,  did  n't  go  for  much ;  and  so,  on  the  whole,  he 
had  pretty  much  concluded  to  do  as  he  had  done. 
He  thought  no  one  could  call  in  question  his  vote, 
for  he  was  just  as  poor  and  as  badly  off  now  he  had 
voted,  as  he  was  while  he  was  making  up  his  mind. 
For  his  part,  he  shouldn't  be  ashamed,  hereafter, 
to  look  both  Deacon  Snort  and  the  Parson  in  the 
face,  when  he  got  home,  or  even  Miss  Poke.  He 
knew  what  it  was  to  have  a  clean  conscience,  as 
well  as  any  man ;  for  none  so  well  knew  what  it 
was  to  be  without  anything,  as  they  who  had  felt 


208  THE   MONIKINS. 

by  experience  its  want.  His  God-like  was  a  very 
labor-saving  God-like ;  but  he  had  found,  on  inquiry, 
that  he  came  from  another  part  of  the  island,  and 
that  he  did  n't  care  a  straw  which  way  his  kite-tail 
(Noah's  manner  of  pronouncing  dientelle)  voted. 
In  short,  he  defied  any  one  say  aught  ag'in  him 
this  time,  and  he  was  not  sorry  the  occasion  had 
offered  to  show  his  independence,  for  his  enemies 
had  not  been  backward  in  remarking  that,  for  some 
days,  he  had  been  little  better  than  a  speaking- 
trumpet  to  roar  out  anything  his  God-like  might 
wish  to  have  proclaimed.  He  concluded  by  stating 
that  he  could  not  hold  out  much  longer  without 
meat  of  some  sort  or  other,  and  by  begging  that  I 
would  second  a  resolution  he  thought  of  offering,  by 
which  regular  substantial  rations  were  to  be  dealt 
out  to  all  the  human  part  of  the  house.  The  inhu- 
mans  might  live  upon  nuts  still,  if  they  liked  them. 

I  remonstrated  against  the  project  of  the  rations 
made  a  strong  appeal  to  his  pride,  by  demonstrating 
that  we  should  be  deemed  little  better  than  brutes 
if  we  were  seen  eating  flesh,  and  advised  him  to 
cause  some  of  his  nuts  to  be  roasted,  by  way  of 
varietv.  After  a  good  deal  of  persuasion,  he  prom 
ised  further  abstinence,  although  he  went  away 
with  a  singularly  carnivorous  look  about  the  mouth, 
and  an  eye  that  spoke  pork  in  every  glance. 

I  was  at  home  the  next  day,  busy  with  my  friend 
the  Brigadier,  in  looking  over  the  Great  National 
Allegory,  with  a  view  to  prevent  falling,  unwit 
tingly,  into  any  more  offences  of  quoting  its  opin 
ions,  when  Noah  burst  into  the  room,  as  rabid  as  a 
wolf  that  had  been  bitten  by  a  whole  pack  of 
hounds.  Such,  indeed,  was,  in  some  measure,  his 
situation ;  for,  according  to  his  statement,  he  had 
been  baited  that  morning,  in  the  public  streets  even, 
by  every  monikin,  monikina,  monikino,  brat  and  beg- 


THE    MONiKtNS. 

gar,  that  he  had  seen.  Astonished  to  hear  that  my 
colleague  had  fallen  into  this  disfavor  with  his  con 
stituents,  I  was  not  slow  in  asking  an  explanation. 

The  Captain  affirmed  that  the  matter  was  beyond 
the  reach  of  any  explanation  it  was  in  his  power  to 
give.  He  had  voted  in  the  affair  of  the  causeway, 
in  strict  conformity  with  the  dictates  of  his  con 
science,  and  yet  h'ere  was  the  whole  population 
accusing  him  of  bribery — nay,  even  the  journals 
had  openly  flouted  at  him  for  what  they  called  his 
barefaced  and  flagrant  corruption.  Here  the  Cap& 
tain  laid  before  us  six  or  seven  of  the  leading  jour 
nals  of  Bivouac,  in  all  of  which  his  late  vote  was 
treated  with  quite  as  little  ceremony  as  if  it  had 
been  an  unequivocal  act  of  sheep-stealing. 

I  looked  at  my  friend  the  Brigadier  for  an  expla 
nation.  After  running  his  eye  over  the  articles  in 
the  journals,  the  latter  smiled,  and  cast  a  look  of 
commiseration  at  our  colleague. 

"  You  have  certainly  committed  a  grave  fault 
here,  my  friend,"  he  said,  "  and  one  that  is  seldom 
forgiven  in  Leaplow — perhaps  I  might  say  never, 
during  the  occultation  of  the  great  moral  postulate, 
as  happens  to  be  the  case  at  present." 

"  Tell  me  my  sins  at  once,  Brigadier,"  cried 
Noah,  with  the  look  of  a  martyr,  "  and  put  me  out 
of  pain." 

"  You  have  forgotten  to  display  a  motive  for  your 
stand  during  the  late  hot  discussion;  and,  as  a  mat 
ter  of  course,  the  community  ascribes  the  worst 
that  monikin  ingenuity  can  devise.  Such  an  over 
sight  would  ruin  even  a  God-like !" 

"  But,  my  dear  Mr.  Downright,"  I  kindly  inter 
posed,  "  our  colleague,  in  this  instance,  is  supposed 
to  have  acted  on  principle." 

The  Brigadier  looked  up,  turning  his  nose  into 
18* 


210  THE   MONIK1NS. 

the  air,  like  a  pup  that  has  not  yet  opened  its 
eyes,  and  then  intimated  that  he  could  not  see  the 
quality  I  had  named,  it  being  obscured  by  the  pas 
sage  of  the  orb  of  Pecuniary  Interest  before  its 
disk.  I  now  began  to  comprehend  the  case,  which 
really  was  much  more  grave  than,  at  first,  I  could 
have  believed  possible.  Noah  himself  seemed  stag 
gered  ;  for,  I  believe,  he  had  fallen  on  the  simple 
and  natural  expedient  of  inquiring  what  he  himself 
would  have  thought  of  the  conduct  of  a  colleague 
who  had  given  a  vote  on  a  subject  so  weighty,  with 
out  exposing  a  motive. 

"  Had  the  Captain  owned  but  a  foot  square  of 
earth,  at  the  end  of  the  causeway,"  observed  the 
Brigadier,  mournfully,  "the  matter  might  be  cleared 
up ;  but  as  things  are,  it  is,  beyond  dispute,  a  most 
unfortunate  occurrence." 

"But  Sir  John  voted  with  me,  and  he  is  no  more 
a  freeholder  in  Leaplow,  than  I  am  myself." 

"  True ;  but  Sir  John  voted  with  the  bulk  of  his 
political  friends." 

"All  the  Horizontals  were  not  in  the  majority; 
for  at  least  twenty  went,  on  this  occasion,  with  the 
minority." 

"  Undeniable — yet  every  monikin  of  them  had  a 
visible  motive.  This  owned  a  lot  by  the  way-side ; 
that  had  houses  on  the  island,  and  another  was  the 
heir  of  a  great  proprietor  at  the  same  point  of  the 
road.  Each  and  all  had  their  distinct  and  positive 
interests  at  stake,  and  not  one  of  them  was  guilty 
of  so  great  a  weakness  as  to  leave  his  cause  to  be 
defended  by  the  extravagant  pretension  of  mere 
Principle !" 

"  My  God-like,  the  greatest  of  all  the  Riddles, 
absented  himself,  and  did  not  vote  at  all." 

"  Simply  because  he  had  no  good  ground  to 
justify  any  course  he  might  take.  No  public  moni- 


THE   MONIKINS.  211 

kin  can  expect  to  escape  censure,  if  he  fail  to  put 
his  friends  in  the  way  of  citing  some. plausible  and 
intelligible  motive  for  his  conduct." 

"  How,  sir !  cannot  a  man,  once  in  his  life,  do 
an  act  without  being  bought  like  a  horse  or  a  dog, 
and  escape  with  an  inch  of  character  ?" 

"  I  shall  not  take  upon  myself  to  say  what  men 
can  do,"  returned  the  Brigadier ;  "  no  doubt  they, 
manage  this  affair  better  than  it  is  managed  here ; 
but,  so  far  as  monikins  are  concerned,  there  is  no 
course  more  certain  to  involve  a  total  loss  of  char 
acter — I  may  say  so  destructive  to  reputation  even 
for  intellect — as  to  act  without  a  good,  apparent 
and  substantial  motive" 

"In  the  name  of  God,  what  is  to  be  done,  Briga 
dier?" 

"  I  see  no  other  course  than  to  resign.  Your  con 
stituents  must  very  naturally  have  lost  all  confi 
dence  in  you ;  for  one  who  so  very  obviously  neg 
lects  his  own  interests,  it  cannot  be  supposed  will 
be  very  tenacious  about  protecting  the  interests  of 
others.  If  you  would  escape  with  the  little  charac 
ter  that  is  left,  you  will  forthwith  resign.  I  do  not 
perceive  the  smallest  chance  for  you  by  going 
through  Gyration  No.  4,  both  public  opinions  uni 
formly  condemning  the  monikin  who  acts  without 
a  pretty  obvious,  as  well  as  a  pretty  weighty,  mo 
tive." 

Noah  made  a  merit  of  necessity;  and,  after  some 
further  deliberation  between  us,  he  signed  his  name 
to  the  following  letter  to  the  Speaker,  which  was 
drawn  up  on  the  spot>  by  the  Brigadier. 

MR.  SPEAKER:— The  state  of  my  health  obliges  me  to 
return  the  high  political  trust  which  has  been  confided  to  me 
by  the  citizens  of  Bivouac,  into  the  hands  from  which  it  was 
received.  In  tendering  my  resignation,  I  wish  to  express  the 


212  THE   MONIKINS. 

great  regret  with  which  I  part  from  colleagues  so  every  way 
worthy  of  profound  respect  and  esteem,  and  I  beg  you  to 
assure  them,  that  wherever  fate  may  hereafter  lead  me, 
I  shall  ever  retain  the  deepest  regard  for  every  honorable 
member  with  whom  it  has  been  my  good  fortune  to  serve. 
The  emigrant  interest,  in  particular,  will  ever  be  the  nearest 
and  dearest  to  my  heart. 

Signed,  NOAH  POKE. 

The  Captain  did  not  affix  his  name  to  this  let 
ter  without  many  heavy  sighs,  and  divers  throes 
of  ambition ;  for  even  a  mistaken  politician  yields 
to  necessity  with  regret.  Having  changed  the 
word  emigrant  to  that  of  "  immigrunt,"  however, 
he  put  as  good  a  face  as  possible  on  the  matter, 
and  wrote  the  fatal  signature.  He  then  left  the 
house, .declaring  that  he  didn't  so  much  begrudge 
his  successor  the  pay,  as  nothing  but  nuts  were  to 
be  had  with  the  money;  and  that,  as  for  himself,  ho 
felt  as  sneaking  as  he  believed  was  the  case  with 
Nebuchadnezzar,  when  he  was  compelled  to  get 
down  on  all-fours,  and  eat  grass. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

Some  explanations— A  human  appetite — A  dinner,  and  a 
bonne  bouche. 

THE  Brigadier  and  myself  remained  behind  to 
discuss  the  general  bearings  of  this  unexpected 
event. 

"  Your  rigid  demand  for  motives,  my  good  sir," 
I  remarked,  "reduces  the  Leaplow  political  moral 
ity  very  much,  after  all,  to  the  level  of  the  social- 
stake  system  of  our  part  of  the  world." 

"  They  both  depend  on  the  crutch  of  personal 


THE    MONIKINS.  213 

interests,  it  is  true ;  though  there  is,  between  them, 
the  difference  of  the  interests  of  a  part  and  of  the 
interests  of  the  whole." 

"And  could  a  part  act  less  commendably  than 
the  whole  appear  to  have  acted  in  this  instance  1" 

"  You  forget  that  Leaplow,  just  at  this  moment, 
is  under  a  moral  eclipse.  I  shall  not  say  that  these 
eclipses  do  not  occur  often,  but  they  occur  quite  as 
frequently  in  other  parts  of  the  region,  as  they  occur 
here.  We  have  three  great  modes  of  controlling 
monikin  affairs,  viz.  the  one,  the  few,  and  the 
many -" 

"  Precisely  the  same  classification  exists  among 
men !"  I  interrupted. 

"  Some  of  our  improvements  are  reflected  back 
wards  ;  twilight  following  as  well  as  preceding  the 
passage  of  the  sun,"  quite  coolly  returned  the  Briga 
dier.  "We  think  that  the  many  come  nearest  to 
balancing  the  evil,  although  we  are  far  from  be 
lieving  even  them  to  be  immaculate.  Admitting 
that  the  tendencies  to  wrong  are  equal  in  the  three 
systems,  (which  we  do  not,  however,  for  we  think 
our  own  has  the  least,)  it  is  contended  that  the 
many  escape  one  great  source  of  oppression  and 
injustice,  by  escaping  the  onerous  provisions  which 
physical  weakness  is  compelled  to  make,  in  order 
to  protect  itself  against  physical  strength." 

"  This  is  reversing  a  very  prevalent  opinion 
among  men,  sir,  who  usually  maintain  that  the 
tyranny  of  the  many  is  the  worst  sort  of  all  tyran 
nies." 

"  This  opinion  has  got  abroad  simply  because  the 
lion  has  not  been  permitted  to  draw  his  own  picture. 
As  cruelty  is  commonly  the  concomitant  of  coward 
ice,  so  is  oppression  nine  times  out  of  ten  the  result 
of  weakness.  It  is  natural  for  the  few  to  dread  the 
many,  while  it  is  not  natural  for  the  many  to  dread 


214  THE    MOMKINS. 

the  few.  Then,  under  institutions  in  which  the 
many  rule,  certain  great  principles  that  are  founded 
on  natural  justice,  as  a  matter  of  course,  are  openly 
recognized ;  and  it  is  rare,  indeed,  that  they  do  not, 
more  or  less,  influence  the  public  acts.  On  the  other 
hand,  the  control  of  a  few  requires  that  these  same 
truths  should  be  either  mistified  or  entirely  smo 
thered  ;  and  the  consequence  is  injustice." 

"  But,  admitting  all  your  maxims,  Brigadier,  as 
regards  the  few  and  the  many,  you  must  yourself 
allow  that  here,  in  your  beloved  Leaplow  itself, 
monikins  consult  their  own  interests;  and  this,  after 
all,  is  acting  on  the  fundamental  principle  of  the 
great  European  social-stake  system." 

"  Meaning  that  the  goods  of  the  world  ought  to 
be  the  test  of  political  power.  By  the  sad  confusion 
which  exists  among  us,  at  this  moment,  Sir  John, 
you  must  perceive  that  we  are  not  exactly  under 
the  most  salutary  of  all  possible  influences.  I  take 
it  that  the  great  Desideratum  of  society  is  to  be 
governed  by  certain  great  moral  truths.  The  infer 
ences  and  corollaries  of  these  truths  are  principles, 
which  come  of  heaven.  Now,  agreeably  to  the 
monikin  dogmas,  the  love  of  money  is  '  of  the  earth, 
earthy ;'  and,  at  the  first  blush,  it  would  not  seem 
to  be  quite  safe  to  receive  such  an  inducement  as 
the  governing  motive  of  one  monikin,  and,  by  a 
pretty  fair  induction,  it  would  seem  to  be  equally 
unwise  to  admit  it  for  a  good  many.  You  will 
remember,  also,  that  when  none  but  the  rich  have 
authority,  they  control  not  only  their  own  property, 
but  that  of  others  who  have  less.  Your  principle 
supposes,  that  in  taking  care  of  his  own,  the  elector 
of  wealth  must  take  care  of  what  belongs  to  the 
rest  of  the  community ;  but  our  experience  shows 
that  a  monikin  can  be  particularly  careful  of  him 
self,  and  singularly  negligent  of  his  neighbor.  There- 


THE    MONIKINS.  215 

fore  do  we  hold  that  money  is  a  bad  foundation  for 
power." 

"You  unsettle  everything,  Brigadier,  without 
finding  a  substitute." 

"  Simply  because  it  is  easy  to  unsettle  everything, 
and  very  difficult  to  find  substitutes.  But,  as  re 
spects  the  base  of  society,  I  merely  doubt  the  wisdom 
of  setting  up  a  qualification  that  we  all  know  depends 
on  an  unsound  principle.  I  much  fear,  Sir  John, 
that,  so  long  as  monikins  are  monikins,  we  shall 
never  be  quite  perfect ;  and  as  to  your  social-stake 
system,  I  am  of  opinion  that  as  society  is  composed 
of  all,  it  may  be  well  to  hear  what  all  have  to  say 
about  its  management." 

"  Many  men,  and,  I  dare  say,  many  monikins, 
are  not  to  be  trusted  even  with  the  management  of 
their  own  concerns." 

"Very  true;  but  it  does  not  follow  that  other 
men,  or  other  monikins,  will  lose  sight  of  their  own 
interests  on  this  account,  if  vested  with  the  right 
to  act  as  their  substitutes.  You  have  been  long 
enough  a  legislator,  now,  to  have  got  some  idea 
how  difficult  it  is  to  make  even  a  direct  and  respon 
sible  representative  respect  entirely  the  interests  and 
wishes  of  his  constituents ;  and  the  fact  will  show 
you  how  little  he  will  be  likely  to  think  of  others, 
who  believes  that  he  acts  as  their  master  and  not 
as  their  servant." 

"  The  amount  of  all  this,  Brigadier,  is  that  you 
have  little  faith  in  monikin  disinterestedness,  in  any 
shape ;  that  you  believe  he  who  is  intrusted  with 
power  will  abuse  it ;  and  therefore  you  choose  to 
divide  the  trust,  in  order  to  divide  the  abuses ;  that 
the  love  of  money  is  an  '  earthy1  quality,  and  not  to 
be  confided  in  as  the  controlling  power  of  a  state  ; 
and,  finally,  that  the  social-stake  system  is  radically 


216  THE    MON1KINS. 

wrong,  inasmuch  as  it  is  no  more  than  carrying 
out  a  principle  that  is  in  itself  defective  ?" 

My  companion  gaped,  like  one  content  to  leave 
the  matter  there.  I  wished  him  a  good  morning, 
and  walked  up  stairs  in  quest  of  Noah,  whose  car 
nivorous  looks  had  given  me  considerable  uneasi 
ness.  The  Captain  was  out;  and,  after  searching 
for  him  in  the  streets,  for  an  hour  or  two,  I  returned 
to  our  abode  fatigued  and  hungry. 

At  no  great  distance  from  our  own  door,  I  met 
Judge  People's  Friend,  shorn  and  dejected,  and  I 
stopped  to  say  a  kind  word,  before  going  up  the 
ladder.  It  was  quite  impossible  to  see  a  gentleman, 
whom  one  had  met  in  good  society  and  in  better 
fortunes,  with  every  hair  shaved  from  his  body,  his 
apology  for  a  tail  still  sore  from  its  recent  amputa 
tion,  and  his  entire  mien  expressive  of  republican 
humility,  without  a  desire  to  condole  with  him.  I 
expressed  my  regrets,  therefore,  as  succinctly  as 
possible,  encouraging  him  with  the  hope  of  seeing 
a  new  covering  of  down  before  long,  but  delicately 
abstaining  from  any  allusion  to  the  cauda,  whose 
loss  I  knew  was  irretrievable.  To  my  great  surprise, 
however,  the  Judge  answered  cheerfully ;  discard 
ing,  for  the  moment,  every  appearance  of  self- 
abasement  and  mortification. 

"How  is  this?"  I  cried ;  "you  are  not  then  mise 
rable!" 

"Very  far  from  it,  Sir  John — I  never  was  in 
better  spirits,  or  had  better  prospects,  in  my  life." 

I  remembered  the  extraordinary  manner  in  which 
the  Brigadier  had  saved  Noah's  head,  and  was  fully 
resolved  not  to  be  astonished  at  any  manifestation 
of  monikin  ingenuity.  Still  I  could  not  forbear  de 
manding  an  explanation. 

"  Why,  it  may  seem  odd  to  you,  Sir  John,  to  find 
a  politician,  who  is  apparently  in  the  depths  of  des- 


THE   MONIKINS.  217 

pair,  really  on  the  eve  of  a  glorious  preferment. 
Such,  however,  is  in  fact  my  case.  In  Leaplow, 
humility  is  everything.  The  monikin  who  will  take 
care  and  repeat  sufficiently  often  that  he  is  just 
the  poorest  devil  going,  that  he  is  absolutely  unfit 
for  even  the  meanest  employment  in  the  land,  and 
in  other  respects  ought  to  be  hooted  out  of  society, 
may  very  safely  consider  himself  in  a  fair  way  to 
be  elevated  to  some  of  the  dignities  he  declares 
himself  the  least  fitted  to  fill." 

"  In  such  a  case,  all  he  will  have  to  do,  then, 
will  be  to  make  his  choice,  and  denounce  himself 
loudest  touching  his  especial  disqualifications  for  that 
very  station?" 

"  You  are  apt,  Sir  John,  and  would  succeed,  if 
you  would  only  consent  to  remain  among  us!"  said 
the  Judge,  winking. 

"I  begin  to  see  into  your  management — after 
all,  you  are  neither  miserable  nor  ashamed  ?" 

"  Not  the  least  in  the  world.  It  is  of  more  im 
portance  for  monikins  of  my  calibre  to  seem  to  be 
anything  than  to  be  it.  My  fellow-citizens  are 
usually  satisfied  with  this  sacrifice ;  and,  now  Prin 
ciple  is  eclipsed,  nothing  is  easier." 

"  But  how  happens  it,  Judge,  that  one  of  your 
surprising  dexterity  and  agility  should  be  caught 
tripping  1  I  had  thought  you  particularly  expert, 
and  infallible  in  all  the  gyrations.  Perhaps  the 
little  affair  of  the  cauda  has  leaked  out  ?" 

The  Judge  laughed  in  my  face. 

"  I  see  you  know  little  of  us,  after  all,  Sir  John. 
Here  have  we  proscribed  caudce,  as  anti-republican, 
both  public  Opinions  setting  their  faces  against  them ; 
and  yet  a  monikin  may  wear  one  abroad  a  mile 
long  with  impunity,  if  he  will  just  submit  to  a  new 
dock  when  he  comes  home,  and  swear  that  he  is 

VOL.  II.  19 


218  THE   MONIKINS. 

the  most  miserable  wretch  going.  If  he  can  throw 
in  a  favorable  word,  too,  touching  the  Leaplow 
cats  and  dogs — Lord  bless  you,  sir!  they  would 
pardon  treason !" 

"  I  begin  to  comprehend  your  policy,  Judge,  if 
not  your  polity.  Leaplow  being  a  popular  govern 
ment,  it  becomes  necessary  that  its  public  agents 
should  be  popular  too.  Now,  as  monikins  naturally 
delight  in  their  own  excellencies,  nothing  so  dis 
poses  them  to  give  credit  to  another,  as  his  profes 
sions  that  he  is  worse  than  themselves." 

The  Judge  nodded  and  grinned. 

"  But  another  word,  dear  sir — as  you  feel  your 
self  constrained  to  commend  the  cats  and  dogs  of 
Leaplow,  do  you  belong  to  that  school  of  philocats, 
who  take  their  revenge  for  their  amenity  to  the 
quadrupeds,  by  berating  their  fellow-creatures  ?" 

The  Judge  started,  and  glanced  about  him  as  if 
he  dreaded  a  thief-taker.  Then  earnestly  imploring 
me  to  respect  his  situation,  he  added  in  a  whisper, 
that  the  subject  of  the  people  was  sacred  with  him, 
that  he  rarely  spoke  of  them  without  a  reverence, 
and  that  his  favorable  sentiments  in  relation  to  the 
cats  and  dogs  were  not  dependent  on  any  particu 
lar  merits  of  the  animals  themselves,  but  merely 
because  they  were  the  people's  cats  and  dogs. 
Fearful  that  I  might  say  something  still  more  dis 
agreeable,  the  Judge  hastened  to  take  his  leave,  and 
I  never  saw  him  afterwards.  I  make  no  doubt, 
however,  that  in  good  time  his  hair  grew  as  he 
grew  again  into  favor,  and  that  he  found  the  means 
to  exhibit  the  proper  length  of  tail  on  all  suitable 
occasions. 

A  crowd  in  the  street  now  caught  my  attention. 
On  approaching  it,  a  colleague  who  was  there  was 
kind  enough  to  explain  its  cause. 

It  would  seem  that  certain  Leaphighers  had  been 


THE    MONIKINS.  219 

travelling  in  Leaplow ;  and,  not  satisfied  with  this 
liberty,  they  had  actually  written  books  concerning 
things  that  they  had  seen,  and  things  that  they  had 
not  seen.  As  respects  the  latter,  neither  of  the  pub 
lic  opinions  was  very  sensitive,  although  many  of 
them  reflected  severely  on  the  Great  National 
Allegory  and  the  sacred  rights  of  monikins ;  but  as 
respects  the  former,  there  was  a  very  lively  excite 
ment.  These  writers  had  the  audacity  to  say  that 
the  Leaplowers  had  cut  off  all  their  caudce,  and  the 
whole  community  was  convulsed  at  an  outrage  so 
unprecedented.  It  was  one  thing  to  take  such  a 
step,  and  another  to  have  it  proclaimed  to  the 
world  in  books.  If  the  Leaplowers  had  no  tails,  it 
was  clearly  their  own  fault.  Nature  had  formed 
them  with  tails.  They  had  bobbed  themselves 
on  a  republican  principle ;  and  no  one's  principles 
ought  to  be  thrown  into  his  face,  in  this  rude 
manner,  more  especially  during  a  moral  eclipse. 

The  dispensers  of  the  essence  of  lopped  tails 
threatened  vengeance;  caricaturists  were  put  in 
requisition;  some  grinned,  some  menaced,  some 
swore,  and  all  read  ! 

I  left  the  crowd,  taking  the  direction  of  my  door 
again,  pondering  on  this  singular  state  of  society, 
in  which  a  peculiarity  that  had  been  deliberately 
and  publicly  adopted,  should  give  rise  to  a  sensi 
tiveness  of  a  character  so  unusual.  I  very  well 
knew  that  men  are  commonly  more  ashamed  of 
natural  imperfections  than  of  those  which,  in  a 
great  measure,  depend  on  themselves ;  but  then  men 
are,  in  their  own  estimation  at  least,  placed  by 
nature  at  the  head  of  creation,  and  in  that  capacity 
it  is  reasonable  to  suppose  they  will  be  jealous  of 
their  natural  privileges.  The  present  case  was 
rather  Leaplow  than  generic;  and  I  could  only 
account  for  it,  by  supposing  that  Nature  had  placed 


220  THE    MONIK1NS. 

certain  nerves  in  the  wrong  part  of  the  Leaplow 
anatomy. 

On  entering  the  house,  a  strong  smell  of  roasted 
meat  saluted  my  nostrils,  causing  a  very  unphi- 
losophical  pleasure  to  the  olfactory  nerves,  a  plea 
sure  which  acted  very  directly,  too,  on  the  gastric 
juices  of  the  stomach.  In  plain  English.  I  had  very 
sensible  evidence  that  it  was  not  enough  to  trans 
port  a  man  to  the  monikin  region,  send  him  to  par 
liament  and  keep  him  on  nuts  for  a  week,  to  render 
him  exclusively  ethereal.  I  found  it  was  vain  "  to 
kick  against  the  pricks."  The  odor  of  roasted 
meat  was  stronger  than  all  the  facts  just  named, 
and  I  was  fain  to  abandon  philosophy,  and  surren 
der  to  the  belly.  I  descended  incontinently  to  the 
kitchen,  guided  by  a  sense  no  more  spiritual  than 
that  which  directs  the  hound  in  the  chase. 

On  opening  the  door  of  our  refectory,  such  a 
delicious  perfume  greeted  the  nose,  that  I  melted 
like  a  romantic  girl  at  the  murmur  of  a  waterfall, 
and,  losing  sight  of  all  the  sublime  truths  so  lately 
acquired,  I  was  guilty  of  the  particular  human 
weakness  which  is  usually  described  as  having  the 
"  mouth  water." 

The  sealer  had  quite  taken  leave  of  his  monikin 
forbearance,  and  was  enjoying  himself  in  a  pecu 
liarly  human  manner.  A  dish  of  roasted  meat  was 
lying  before  him,  and  his  eyes  fairly  glared  as  he 
turned  them  from  me  to  the  viand,  in  a  way  to  ren 
der  it  a  little  doubtful  whether  I  was  a  welcome 
visiter.  But  that  honest  old  principle  of  seamen, 
which  never  refuses  to  share  equally  with  an  ancient 
messmate,  got  the  better  even  of  his  voracity. 

"  Sit  down,  Sir  John,"  the  Captain  cried,  without 
ceasing  to  masticate,  "  and  make  no  bones  of  it. 
To  own  the  fact,  the  latter  are  almost  as  good  as 
th«  flesh.  I  never  tasted  a  sweeter  morsel !" 


THE    MONIKINS.  221 

I  did  not  wait  for  a  second  invitation,  the  reader 
may  be  sure ;  and  in  less  than  ten  minutes  the  dish 
was  as  clear  as  a  table  that  had  been  swept  by 
harpies.  As  this  work  is  intended  for  one  in  which 
truth  is  rigidly  respected,  I  shall  avow  that  I  do  not 
remember  any  cultivation  of  sentiment  which  gave 
me  half  so  much  satisfaction  as  that  short  and  hur 
ried  repast.  I  look  back  to  it,  even  now,  as  to  the 
very  beau  ideal  of  a  dinner !  Its  fault  was  in  the 
quantity,  and  not  in  quality. 

I  gazed  greedily  about  for  more.  Just  then,  I 
caught  a  glimpse  of  a  face  that  seemed  looking  at 
me  with  melancholy  reproach.  The  truth  flashed 
upon  me  in  a  flood  of  horrible  remorse.  Rushing 
upon  Noah  like  a  tiger,  I  seized  him  by  the  throat, 
and  cried,  in  a  voice  of  despair: — 

"  Cannibal !  what  hast  thou  done  ?" 

"  Loosen  your  gripe,  Sir  John — we  do  not  relish 
these  hugs  at  Stunin'tun." 

"  Wretch !  thou  hast  made  me  the  participator 
of  thy  crime!  We  have  eaten  Brigadier  Down 
right  !" 

"  Loosen,  Sir  John,  or  human  natur'  will  rebel." 

"  Monster !  give  up  thy  unholy  repast — dost  not 
see  a  million  reproaches  in  the  eyes  of  the  innocent 
victim  of  thy  insatiable  appetites  ?" 

"  Cast  off,  Sir  John,  cast  off,  while  we  are  friends. 
J  care  not  if  I  have  swallowed  all  the  Brigadiers  in 
Leaplow — off  hands !" 

"  Never,  monster !  until  thou  disgorgest  thy  un 
holy  meal !" 

Noah  could  endure  no  more ;  but,  seizing  me  by 
the  throat,  on  the  retaliating  principle,  I  soon  had 
some  such  sensations  as  one  would  be  apt  to  feel 
if  his  gullet  were  in  a  vice.  I  shall  not  attempt  to 
describe  very  minutely  the  miracle  that  followed. 
Hanging  ought  to  be  an  effectual  remedy  for  many 
19* 


222  THE   MONIK1NS. 

delusions ;  for,  in  my  case,  the  bow-string  I  was 
under  certainly  did  wonders  in  a  very  short  time. 
Gradually  the  whole  scene  changed.  First  came  a 
mist,  then  a  vertigo ;  and  finally,  as  the  Captain  re 
laxed  his  hold,  objects  appeared  in  new  forms,  and  in 
stead  of  being  in  our  lodgings  in  Bivouac,!  found  my 
self  in  my  old  apartment  in  the  Rue  de  Rivoli,  Paris. 

"  King !"  exclaimed  Noah,  who  stood  before  me, 
red  in  me  face  with  exertion;  "this  is  no  boy's 
play,  and  if  it's  to  be  repeated,  I  shall  use  a  lash 
ing  !  Where  would  be  the  harm,  Sir  John,  if  a 
man  had  eaten  a  monkey  ?" 

Astonishment  kept  me  mute.  Every  object,  just 
as  I  had  left  it  the  morning  we  started  for  London, 
on  our  way  to  Leaphigh,  was  there.  A  table,  in 
the  centre  of  the  room,  was  covered  with  sheets  of 
paper  closely  written  over,  which,  on  examination, 
I  found  contained  this  manuscript  as  far  as  the  last 
chapter.  Both  the  Captain  and  myself  were  attired 
as  usual ;  I  a  la  Parisienne,  and  he  a  la  Stunin'tun. 
A  small  ship,  very  ingeniously  made,  and  very 
accurately  rigged,  lay  on  the  floor,  with  "Walrus" 
written  on  her  stern.  As  my  bewildered  eye  caught 
a  glimpse  of  this  vessel,  Noah  informed  me  that, 
having  nothing  to  do  except  to  look  after  my  wel 
fare,  (a  polite  way  of  characterizing  his  ward  over 
my  person,  as  I  afterwards  found,)  he  had  employed 
his  leisure  in  constructing  the  toy. 

All  was  inexplicable.  There  was  really  the 
smell  of  meat.  I  had  also  that  peculiar  sensa 
tion  of  fullness  which  is  apt  to  succeed  a  dinner, 
and  a  dish  well  filled  with  bones  was  in  plain  view. 
I  took  up  one  of  the  latter,  in  order  to  ascertain  its 
genus.  The  Captain  kindly  informed  me  that  it 
was  the  remains  of  a  pig,  which  it  had  cost  him  a 
great  deal  of  trouble  to  obtain,  as  the  French  viewed 
the  act  of  eating  a  pig  but  very  little  less  heinous 


THE   MONIKINS.  223 

than  the  act  of  eating  a  child.  Suspicions  began  to 
trouble  me,  and  I  now  turned  to  look  for  the  head 
and  reproachful  eye  of  the  Brigadier. 

The  head  was  where  I  had  just  before  seen  it, 
visible  over  the  top  of  a  trunk ;  but  it  was  so  far 
raised  as  to  enable  me  to  see  that  it  was  still  planted 
on  its  shoulders.  A  second  look,  enabled  me  to 
distinguish  the  meditative,  philosophical  countenance 
of  Dr.  Reasono,  who  was  still  in  the  hussar-jacket 
and  petticoat,  though,  being  in  the  house,  he  had 
very  properly  laid  aside  the  Spanish  hat  with  be 
draggled  feathers. 

A  movement  followed  in  the  ante-chamber,  and 
a  hurried  conversation,  in  a  low  earnest  tone,  suc 
ceeded.  The  Captain  disappeared,  and  joined  the 
speakers.  I  listened  intently,  but  could  not  catch 
any  of  the  intonations  of  a  dialect  founded  on  the 
decimal  principle.  Presently  the  door  opened,  and 
Dr.  Etherington  stood  before  me  j 

The  good  divine  regarded  me  long  and  earnestly. 
Tears  filled  his  eyes,  and,  stretching  out  both  hands 
towards  me,  he  asked : — 

"  Do  you  know  me,  Jack  ?" 

"  Know  you,  dear  sir ! — Why  should  I  not  ?" 

"  And  do  you  forgive  me,  dear  boy  ?" 

"For  what,  sir? — I  am  sure,  I  have  most  reason 
to  demand  your  pardon  for  a  thousand  follies." 

"  Ah !  the  letter — the  unkind — the  inconsiderate 
letter!" 

"  I  have  not  had  a  letter  from  you,  sir,  in  a  twelve 
month  :  the  last  was  anything  but  unkind." 

"  Though  Anna  wrote,  it  was  at  my  dictation." 

I  passed  a  hand  over  my  brow,  and  had  dawn- 
ings  of  the  truth. 

"Anna?" 

"  Is  here — in  Paris, — and  miserable — most  mise 
rable  ! — on  your  account." 


224  THE   MOKIKINS. 

Every  particle  of  monikinity  that  was  left  in  my 
system  instantly  gave  way  to  a  flood  of  human  sen 
sations. 

"  Let  me  fly  to  her,  dear  sir — a  moment  is  an 
age!" 

"  Not  just  yet,  my  boy.  We  have  much  to  say 
to  each  other,  nor  is  she  in  this  hotel.  To-morrow, 
when  both  are  better  prepared,  you  shall  meet." 

"  Add,  never  to  separate,  sir,  and  I  will  be  patient 
as  a  lamb." 

"  Never  to  separate,  I  believe  it  will  be  better  to 
say." 

I  hugged  my  venerable  guardian,  and  found  a 
delicious  relief  from  a  most  oppressive  burthen  of 
sensations,  in  a  flow  of  tears. 

Dr.  Etherington  soon  led  me  into  a  calmer  tone 
of  mind.  In  the  course  of  the  day,  many  matters 
were  discussed  and  settled.  I  was  told  that  Captain 
Poke  had  been  a  good  nurse,  though  in  a  sealing 
fashion ;  and  that  the  least  I  could  do  was  to  send 
him  back  to  Stunin'tun,  free  of  cost.  This  was 
agreed  to,  and  the  worthy  but  dogmatical  mariner 
was  promised  the  means  of  fitting  out  a  new 
"  Debby  and  Dolly." 

"  These  philosophers  had  better  be  presented  to 
some  academy,"  observed  the  Doctor,  smiling,  as 
he  pointed  to  the  family  of  amiable  strangers,  "  be 
ing  already  F.  U.  D.  G.  E  's  and  H.  O.  A.  X  's.  Mr. 
Reasono,  in  particular,  is  unfit  for  ordinary  society." 

"Do  with  them  as  you  please,  my  more  than 
father.  Let  the  poor  animals,  however,  be  kept 
from  physical  suffering." 

"  Attention  shall  be  paid  to  all  their  wants,  both 
physical  and  moral." 

"  And  in  a  day  or  two,  we  shall  proceed  to  the 
rectory  ?" 

"  The  day  after  to-morrow,  if  you  have  strength." 


THE   MONIKINS.  225 

"  And  to-morrow  ? 

"  Anna  will  see  you." 

"And  the  next  day?" 

"  Nay,  not  quite  so  soon,  Jack ;  but  the  moment 
we  think  you  perfectly  restored,  she  shall  share 
your  fortunes  for  the  remainder  of  your  common 
probation." 


CHAPTER  XV. 

Explanations — A  leave-taking — Love — Confessions,  but  no 
penitence. 

A  NIGHT  of  sweet  repose  left  me  refreshed,  and 
with  a  pulse  that  denoted  less  agitation  than  on  the 
preceding  day.  I  awoke  early,  had  a  bath,  and  sent 
for  Captain  Poke  to  take  his  coffee  with  me,  before 
we  parted;  for  it  had  been  settled,  the  previous 
evening,  that  he  was  to  proceed  towards  Stunin'tun, 
forthwith.  My  old  messmate,  colleague,  co-adven 
turer,  and  fellow-traveller,  was  not  slow  in  obeying 
the  summons.  I  confess  his  presence  was  a  com 
fort  to  me,  for  I  did  not  like  looking  at  objects  that 
had  been  so  inexplicably  replaced  before  my  eyes, 
unsupported  by  the  countenance  of  one  who  had 
gone  through  so  many  grave  scenes  in  my  com 
pany. 

"  This  has  been  a  very  extraordinary  voyage  of 
ours,  Captain  Poke,"  I  remarked,  after  the  worthy 
sealer  had  swallowed  sixteen  eggs,  an  omelette, 
seven  cotelettes,  and  divers  accessaries.  "  Do  you 
think  of  publishing  your  private  journal?" 

"Why,  in  my  opinion,  Sir  John,  the  less  that 
either  of  us  says  of  v'y'ge  the  better." 

"  And  why  so  ?  We  have  had  the  discoveries  of 
Columbus,  Cook,  Vancouver  and  Hudson — why 
not  those  of  Captain  Poke?" 


226  THE   MONIKINS. 

"  To  own  the  truth,  we  sealers  do  not  like  to 
speak  of  our  cruising  grounds — and,  as  for  these 
monikins,  after  all,  what  are  they  good  for?  A 
thousand  of  them  wouldn't  make  a  quart  of  'ile,  and 
by  all  accounts  their  fur  is  worth  next  to  nothinV 

"Do  you  account  their  philosophy  for  nothing ? 
and  their  jurisprudence  ? — you,  who  were  so  near 
losing  your  head,  and  who  did  actually  lose  your 
tail,  by  the  axe  of  the  executioner  ?" 

Noah  placed  a  hand  behind  him,  fumbling 
about  the  seat  of  reason,  with  evident  uneasiness. 
Satisfied  that  no  harm  had  been  done,  he  very 
coolly  placed  half  a  muffin  in  what  he  called  his 
"  provision-hatchway." 

"  You  will  give  me  this  pretty  model  of  our  good 
old  Walrus,  Captain?" 

"  Take  it,  o'  Heaven's  sake,  Sir  John,  and  good 
luck  to  you  with  it  You,  who  give  me  a  full-grown 
schooner,  will  be  but  poorly  paid  with  a  toy." 

"  It's  as  like  the  dear  old  craft,  as  one  pea  is  like 
another!" 

"  I  dare  say  it  may  be.  I  never  knew  a  model 
that  had  n't  suthin'  of  the  original  in  it." 

r"  Well,  my  good  shipmate,  we  must  part.  You 
know  I  am  to  go  and  see  the  lady  who  is  soon  to 
be  my  wife,  and  the  diligence  will  be  ready  to  take 
you  to  Havre,  before  I  return." 

"God  bless  you!  Sir  John,  God  bless  you!" 
Noah  blew  his  nose  till  it  rung  like  a  French  horn. 
I  thought  his  little  coals  of  eyes  were  glittering, 
too,  more  than  common,  most  probably  with 
moisture.  "You're  a  droll  navigator,  and  make  no 
more  of  the  ice  than  a  colt  makes  of  a  rail.  But 
though  the  man  at  the  wheel  is  not  always  awake, 
the  heart  seldom  sleeps." 

"When  the  Debby  and  Dolly  is  fairly  in  the 


THE   MONIKINS.  227 

water,  you  will  do  me  the  pleasure  of  letting  me 
know  it." 

"  Count  on  me,  Sir  John.  Before  we  part,  I  have, 
however,  a  small  favor  to  ask." 

"  Name  it." 

Here  Noah  drew  out  of  his  pocket  a  sort  of  basso 
relievo  carved  in  pine.  It  represented  Neptune 
armed  with  a  harpoon  instead  of  a  trident;  the  Cap 
tain  always  contending  that  the  god  of  the  seas 
should  never  carry  the  latter,  but  that,  in  its  place, 
he  should  be  armed  either  with  the  weapon  he  had 
given  him,  or  with  a  boat-hook.  On  the  right  of 
Neptune  was  an  English  gentleman  holding  out  a 
bag  of  guineas.  On  the  other  was  a  fefiale  who, 
I  was  told,  represented  the  goddess  of  Liberty, 
while  it  was  secretly  a  rather  flattering  likeness  of 
Miss  Poke.  The  face  of  Neptune  was  supposed 
to  have  some  similitude  to  that  of  her  husband. 
The  Captain,  with  the  modesty  which  is  invariably 
the  companion  of  merit  in  the  arts,  asked  per 
mission  to  have  a  copy  of  this  design  placed  on  the 
schooner's  stern.  It  would  have  been  churlish  to 
refuse  such  a  compliment ;  and  I  now  offered  Noah 
my  hand,  as  the  time  for  parting  had  arrived.  The 
sealer  grasped  me  rather  tightly,  and  seemed  dis 
posed  to  say  more  than  adieu. 

"  You  are  going  to  see  an  angel,  Sir  John." 

"  How  ! — Do  you  know  anything  of  Miss  Ether- 
ington  1" 

"  I  should  be  as  blind  as  an  old  bum-boat  else. 
During  our  late  .v'y'ge,  I  saw  her  often." 

"  This  is  strange ! — But  there  is  evidently  some 
thing  on  your  mind,  my  friend :  speak  freely." 

"  Well,  then,  Sir  John,  talk  of  anything  but  of  our 
v'y'ge,  to  the  dear  crittur.  I  do  not  think  she  is 
quite  prepared  yet  to  hear  of  all  the  wonders  we 


228  THE    MONIKINS. 

I  promised  to  be  prudent;  and  the  Captain, 
shaking  me  cordially  by  the  hand,  finally  wished 
me  farewell.  There  were  some  rude  touches  of 
feeling  in  his  manner,  which  reacted  on  certain 
chords  in  my  own  system ;  and  he  had  been  gone 
several  minutes  before  1  recollected  that  it  was  time 
to  go  to  the  Hotel  de  Castile.  Too  impatient  to 
wait  for  the  carriage,  I  flew  along  the  streets  on 
foot,  believing  that  my  own  fiery  speed  would  out 
strip  the  zig-zag  movement  of  &  fiacre  or  a  cabriolet 
de  place. 

Dr.  Etherington  met  me  at  the  door  of  his  ap- 
partement,  and  led  me  to  an  inner  room  without 
speaking.  Here  he  stood  gazing,  for  some  time, 
in  my  face,  with  parental  concern. 

"  She  expects  you,  Jack,  and  believes  that  you 
rang  the  bell." 

"  So  much  the  better,  dear  sir.  Let  us  not  lose 
a  moment ;  let  me  fly  and  throw  myself  at  her  feet, 
and  implore  her  pardon." 

"  For  what,  my  good  boy  ?" 

"  For  believing  that  any  social-stake  can  equal 
that  which  a  man  feels  in  the  nearest,  dearest,  ties 
of  earth !" 

The  excellent  rector  smiled,  but  he  wished  to 
curb  my  impatience. 

"  You  have  already  every  stake  in  society,  Sir 
John  Goldencalf,"  he  answered,  assuming  the  air 
which  human  beings  have,  by  a  general  convention, 
settled  shall  be  dignified,  "that  any  reasonable  man 
can  desire.  The  large  fortune  left  by  your  late 
father,  raises  you,  in  this  respect,  to  the  height 
of  the  richest  in  the  land ;  and  now  that  you  are  a 
baronet,  no  one  will  dispute  your  claim  to  partici 
pate  in  the  councils  of  the  nation.  It  would  perhaps 
be  better,  did  your  creation  date  a  century  or  two 
nearer  the  commencement  of  the  monarchy ;  but, 


THE   MONIKINS.  229 

in  this  age  of  innovations,  we  must  take  things  as 
they  are,  and  not  as  we  might  wish  to  have  them." 

I  rubbed  my  forehead,  for  the  Doctor  had  inci 
dentally  thrown  out  an  embarrassing  idea. 

"  On  your  principle,  my  dear  sir,  society  would 
be  obliged  to  begin  with  its  great-grandfathers  to 
qualify  itself  for  its  own  government." 

"  Pardon  me,  Jack,  if  I  have  said  anything  disa 
greeable—no  doubt  all  will  come  right  in  Heaven. 
Anna  will  be  uneasy  at  our  delay." 

This  suggestion  drove  all  recollection  of  the 
good  rector's  social-stake  system,  which  was  ex 
actly  the  converse  of  the  social-stake  system  of 
my  late  ancestor,  quite  out  of  my  head.  Springing 
forward,  I  gave  him  reason  to  see  that  he  would 
have  no  farther  trouble  in  changing  the  subject. 
When  we  had 'passed  an  ante-chamber,  he  pointed 
to  a  door,  and  admonishing  me  to  be  prudent, 
withdrew. 

My  hand  trembled  as  it  touched  the  door-knob, 
but  the  lock  yielded.  Anna  was  standing  in  the 
middle  of  the  room,  (she  had  heard  my  footstep,) 
an  image  of  womanly  loveliness,  womanly  faith, 
and  womanly  feeling.  By  a  desperate  effort  she 
was,  however,  mistress  of  her  emotions.  Though 
her  pure  soul  seemed  willing  to  fly  to  meet  me,  she 
obviously  restrained  the  impulse,  in  order  to  spare 
my  nerves. 

*'  Dear  Jack !" — and  both  her  soft,  white,  pretty 
little  hands  met  me,  as  I  eagerly  approached. 

"  Anna  ! — dearest  Anna !" — I  covered  the  rosy 
fingers  with  kisses. 

"  Let  us  be  tranquil,  Jack,  and,  if  possible,  en 
deavor  to  be  reasonable,  too." 

"  If  I  thought  this  could  really  cost  one  habit 
ually  discreet  as  you  an  effort,  Anna !" 

VOL.  II.  20 


230  THE    MONIKINS. 

"  One  habitually  discreet  as  I,  is  as  likely  to  feel 
strongly  on  meeting  an  old  friend,  as  another." 

"  I  think  it  would  make  me  perfectly  happy,  could 
I  see  thee  weep." 

As  if  waiting  only  for  this  hint,  Anna  burst  into 
a  flood  of  tears.  I  was  frightened,  for  her  sobs 
became  hysterical  and  convulsed.  Those  precious 
sentiments  which  had  been  so  long  imprisoned  in 
her  gentle  bosom,  obtained  the  mastery,  and  I 
was  well  paid  for  my  selfishness,  by  experiencing 
an  alarm  little  less  violent  than  her  own  outpouring 
of  feeling. 

Touching  the  incidents,  emotions,  and  language 
of  the  next  half-hour,  it  is  not  my  intention  to  be 
very  communicative.  Anna  was  ingenuous,  unre 
served,  and,  if  I  might  judge  by  the  rosy  blushes 
that  suflused  her  sweet  face,  and  the  manner  in 
which  she  extricated  herself  from  my  protecting 
arms,  I  believe  I  must  add  she  deemed  herself 
indiscreet  in  that  she  had  been  so  unreserved  and 
ingenuous. 

"We  can  now  converse  more  calmly,  Jack,"  the 
dear  creature  resumed,  after  she  had  erased  the 
signs  of  emotion  from  her  cheeks — "  more  calmly, 
if  not  more  sensibly." 

"  The  wisdom  of  Solomon  is  not  half  so  precious 
as  the  words  I  have  just  heard — and  as  for  the 
music  of  the  spheres " 

"  It  is  a  melody  that  angels  only  enjoy." 

"  And  art  not  thou  an  angel !" 

"No,  Jack,  only  a  poor,  confiding  girl;  one 
instinct  with  the  affeptions  and  weaknesses  of  her 
sex,  and  one  whom  it  must  be  your  part  to  sustain 
and  direct.  If  we  begin  by  calling  each  other  by 
these  superhuman  epithets,  we  may  awake  from 
the  delusion  sooner  than  if  we  commence  with  be 
lieving  ourselves  to  be  no  other  than  what  we 


THE    MONIKINS.  231 

really  are.  I  love  you  for  your  kind,  excellent 
and  generous  heart,  Jack ;  and  as  for  these  poetical 
beings,  they  are  rather  proverbial,  I  believe,  for 
having  no  hearts  at  all." 

As  Anna  mildly  checked  my  exaggeration  of 
language — after  ten  years  of  marriage  I  am  unwill 
ing  to  admit  there  was  any  exaggeration  of  idea — 
she  placed  her  little  velvet  hand  in  mine  again, 
smiling  away  all  the  severity  of  the  reproof. 

"  Of  one  thing,  I  think  you  may  rest  perfectly 
assured,  dear  girl,"  I  resumed  after  a  moment's  re 
flection.  "  All  my  old  opinions  concerning  expan 
sion  and  contraction  are  radically  changed.  I  have 
carried  out  the  principle  of  the  social-stake  system 
in  the  extreme,  and  cannot  say  that  I  have  been  at 
all  satisfied  with  its  success.  At  this  moment  I  am 
the  proprietor  of  vested  interests  which  are  scat 
tered  over  half  the  world.  So  far  from  finding  that 
I  love  my  kind  any  more  for  all  these  social  stakes, 
I  am  compelled  to  see  that  the  wish  to  protect  one, 
is  constantly  driving  me  into  acts  of  injustice  against 
all  the  others.  There  is  something  wrong,  depend 
on  it,  Anna,  in  the  old  dogmas  of  the  political  econo 
mists  !" 

"  I  know  little  of  these  things,  Sir  John,  but  to 
one  ignorant  as  myself,  it  would  appear  that  the 
most  certain  security  for  the  righteous  exercise  of 
power  is  to  be  found  in  just  principles." 

"  If  available,  beyond  a  question.  They  who 
contend  that  the  debased  and  ignorant  are  unfit  to 
express  they*  opinions  concerning  the  public  weal, 
are  obliged  to  own  that  they  can  only  be  restrained 
by  force.  Now,  as  knowledge  is  power,  their  first 
precaution  is  to  keep  them  ignorant;  and  then  they 
quote  this  very  ignorance,  with  all  its  debasing  con 
sequences,  as  an  argument  against  their  participa 
tion  in  authority  with  themselves.  I  believe  there 


232  THE    MON1KINS. 

can  be  no  safe  medium  between  a  frank  admission 
of  the  whole  principle " 

"You  should  remember,  dear  Goldencalf,  that 
this  is  a  subject  on  which  I  know  but  little.  It  ought 
to  be  sufficient  for  us  that  we  find  things  as  they 
are;  if  change  is  actually  necessary,  we  should 
endeavor  to  effect  it  with  prudence  and  a  proper 
regard  to  justice." 

Anna,  while  kindly  leading  me  back  from  my 
speculations,  looked  both  anxious  and  pained. 

"True — true" — I  hurriedly  rejoined,  for  aivorld 
would  not  tempt  me  to  prolong  her  suffering  for  a 
moment.  "  I  am  foolish  and  forgetful,  to  be  talking 
thus,  at  such  a  moment;  but  I  have  endured  too 
much  to  be  altogether  unmindful  of  ancient  theo 
ries.  I  thought  it  might  be  grateful  to  you,  at 
least,  to  know,  Anna,  that  I  have  ceased  to  look 
for  happiness  in  my  affections  for  all,  and  am  only 
so  much  the  better  disposed  to  turn  in  search  of  it 
to  one." 

"  To  love  our  neighbor  as  ourself,  is  the  latest 
and  highest  of  the  divine  commands,"  the  dear 
girl  answered,  looking  a  thousand  times  more 
lovely  than  ever,  for  my  conclusion  was  very  far 
from  being  displeasing  to  her.  "I  do  not  know 
that  this  object  is  to  be  attained  by  centering  in 
our  persons  as  many  of  the  goods  of  life  as  possi 
ble;  but  I  do  think,  Jack,  that  the  heart  which  loves 
one  truly,  will  be  so  much  the  better  disposed  to 
entertain  kind  feelings  towards  all  others." 

I  kissed  the  hand  she  had  given  me,  and  we  now 
began  to  talk  a  little  more  like  people  of  the  world, 
concerning  our  movements.  The  interview  lasted 
an  hour  longer,  when  the  good  Doctor  interposed 
and  sent  me  home,  to  prepare  for  our  return  to 
England. 

In  a  week  we  were  again  in  the  old  island.  Anna 


THE   MON1KINS.  233 

and  her  father  proceeded  to  the  rectory,  while  I 
was  left  in  town,  busied  with  lawyers,  and  looking 
after  the  results  of  my  numerous  investments. 

Contrary  to  what  many  people  will  be  apt  to 
suppose,  most  of  them  had  been  successful.  On  the 
whole,  I  was  richer  for  the  adventures;  and  with 
such  prospects  accompanying  the  risks,  I  had  little 
difficulty  in  disposing  of  them  to  advantage.  The 
proceeds,  together  with  a  large  balance  of  divi 
dends  that  had  accrued  during  my  absence,  was 
lodged  with  my  banker,  and  I  advertised  for  fur 
ther  landed  property. 

Knowing  the  taste  of  Anna,  I  purchased  one  of 
those  town  residences  which  look  out  on  St.  James's 
Park,  where  the  sight  of  fragrant  shrubbery  and 
verdant  fields  will  be  constantly  before  her  se 
rene  eyes,  during  the  period  of  what  is  called  a 
London  winter, — or  from  the  Easter  holidays  to 
midsummer. 

I  had  a  long  and  friendly  interview  with  my 
Lord  Pledge,  who  was  not  a  man  to  abandon  a 
ministry,  but  who  continued  in  place  just  as  active, 
as  respectable,  as  logical  and  as  useful  as  ever. 
Indeed,  so  conspicuous  was  he  for  the  third  of 
these  qualities,  that  I  caught  myself  peeping,  once 
or  twice,  to  see  if  he  were  actually  destitute  of  a 
cauda.  He  gave  me  the  comfortable  assurance 
that  all  had  gone  on  well  in  parliament  during  my 
absence,  politely  intimating,  at  the  same  time,  that 
he  did  not  believe  I  had  been  missed.  We  settled 
certain  preliminaries  together,  which  will  be  ex 
plained  in  the  next  chapter;  when  I  hurried,  on  the 
wings  of  love,  alias,  in  a  post-chaise  and  four,  to 
wards  the  rectory,  and  to  the  sweetest,  kindest,  gen 
tlest,  truest  girl  in  an  island  which  has  so  many 
of  the  sweet,  the  kind,  the  gentle  and  the  true. 
20* 


234  THE    MQNIKINS. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

Bliss-— The  best  investment  in  society — The  result  of  much 
experience,  and  The  End. 

THAT  day  two  months  found  me  at  the  rectory 
of  Tenthpig,  the  happiest  man  in  England.  The 
season  had  advanced  to  the  middle  of  July,  and  the 
shrubbery  near  the  bow-window  of  my  excellent 
father-in-law's  library,  was  in  full  verdure.  The 
plant,  in  particular,  whose  flowers  had  so  well 
emulated  the  bloom  of  Anna's  cheek,  was  rioting  in 
the  luxuriance  of  renewed  fertility,  its  odors  stealing 
gently  over  the  senses  of  my  young  wife  and  my- 
sel£  as  we  sat  alone,  enjoying  the  holy  calm  of  a 
fine  summer  morning,  and  that  delicious  happiness 
which  is  apt  to  render  the  bliss  of  the  first  months 
of  a  well-assorted  union  almost  palpable. 

Anna  was  seated  so  near  the  window  that  the 
tints  of  the  rose-bush  suffused  her  spotless  robe, 
rendering  her  whole  figure  a  perfect  picture  of  that 
attractive  creature  the  poets  have  so  often  sung — a 
blushing  bride.  The  quiet  light  had  to  traverse  a 
wilderness  of  sweets  before  it  fell  on  her  bland  fea 
tures,  every  polished  lineament  of  which  was  elo 
quent  of  felicity,  and  yet,  if  it  be  not  a  contradic 
tion,  I  would  also  add,  not  entirely  without  the  sha 
dows  of  thought.  She  was  never  more  lovely,  and 
I  had  never  known  her  so  subdued  and  tender,  as 
within  the  last  half-hour.  We  had  been  speaking, 
without  reserve,  of  the  past,  and  Anna  had  just 
faithfully  described  the  extreme  suffering  with  which 
she  had  complied  with  the  command  of  the  good 
rector,  in  writing  the  letter  that  had  so  completely 
unmanned  me. 

"  I  ought  to  have  known  you  better,  love,  than  to 


THE    MONIK1NS.  235 

suspect  you  of  the  act,"  I  rejoined  to  one  of  her 
earnest  protestations  of  regret,  and  gazing  fondly 
into  those  eyes  which  have  so  much  of  the  serenity, 
as  they  have  the  hues,  of  heaven.  ".You  never  yet 
were  so  unkind  to  one  who  was  offensive ;  much 
less  could  you  willingly  have  plotted  this  cruelty 
to  one  you  regard !" 

Anna  could  no  longer  control  herself,  but  her 
cheeks  were  wetted  with  the  usual  signs  of  feeling 
in  her  sex.  Then  smiling  in  the  midst  of  this  little 
outbreaking  of  womanly  sensibility,  her  countenance 
became  playful  and  radiant. 

"  That  letter  ought  not  to  be  altogether  pro 
scribed,  neither,  Jack.  Had  it  not  been  written, 
you  would  never  have  visited  Leaphigh,  nor  Leap- 
low,  nor  have  seen  any  of  those  wonderful  spec 
tacles  which  are  here  recorded." 

The  dear  creature  laid  her  hand  on  a  roll  of 
manuscript  which  she  had  just  returned  to  me,  after 
its  perusal.  At  the  same  time,  her  face  flushed,  as 
vivid  and  transient  feelings  are  reflected  from  the 
features  of  the  innocent  and  ingenuous,  and  she 
made  a  faint  effort  to  laugh. 

I  passed  a  hand  over  my  brow,  for  whenever  this 
subject  is  alluded  to  between  us,  I  invariably  feel 
that  there  is  a  species  of  mistiness,  in  and  about  the 
region  of  thought.  I  was  not  displeased,  however, 
for  I  knew  that  a  heart  which  loved  so  truly  would 
not  willingly  cause  me  pain,  nor  would  one  habit 
ually  so  gentle  and  considerate,  utter  a  syllable  that 
she  might  have  reason  to  think  would  seriously 
displease. 

"  Hadst  thou  been  with  me,  love,  that  journey 
would  always  be  remembered  as  one  of  the  plea- 
santest  events  of  my  life;  for,  while  it  had  its  perils 
and  its  disagreeables,  it  had  also  its  moments  of 
extreme  satisfaction." 


236  THE    MONIKINS. 

"  You  will  never  be  an  adept  in  political  saltation, 
John !" 

"  Perhaps  not — but  here  is  a  document  that  will 
render  it  less  necessary  than  formerly." 

I  threw  her  a  packet  which  had  been  received 
that  morning  from  town,  by  a  special  messenger, 
but  of  whose  contents  I  had  not  yet  spoken.  Anna 
was  too  young  a  wife  to  open  it  without  an  appro 
ving  look  from  my  fond  eye.  On  glancing  over  its 
contents,  she  perceived  that  I  was  raised  to  the 
House  of  Peers  by  the  title  of  Viscount  House 
holder.  The  purchase  of  three  more  boroughs,  and 
the  influence  of  my  old  friend  Lord  Pledge,  had 
done  it  all. 

The  sweet  girl  looked  pleased,  for  I  believe  it  is 
in  female  nature  to  like  to  be  a  Viscountess ;  but, 
throwing  herself  into  my  arms,  she  protested  that 
her  joy  was  at  my  elevation  and  not  at  her  own. 

"  I  owed  you  this  effort,  Anna,  as  some  acknow 
ledgment  for  your  faith  and  disinterestedness  in  the 
affair  of  Lord  M'Dee." 

"  And  yet,  Jack,  he  had  neither  high  cheek-bones, 
nor  red  hair ;  and  his  accent  was  such  as  might 
please  a  girl  less  capricious  than  myself!" 

This  was  said  playfully  and  coquettishly,  but  in  a 
way  to  make  me  feel  how  near  folly  would  have  been 
to  depriving  me  of  a  treasure,  had  the  heart  I  so 
much  prized  been  less  ingenuous  and  pure.  I  drew 
the  dear  creature  to  my  bosom,  as  if  afraid  my  rival 
might  yet  rob  me  of  her  possession.  Anna  looked 
up,  smiling  through  her  tears;  and,  making  an  effort 
to  be  calm,  she  said,  in  a  voice  so  smothered  as  to 
prove  how  delicate  she  felt  the  subject  to  be : — 

"We  will  speak  seldom  of  this  journey,  dear 
John,  and  try  to  think  of  the  long  and  dark  journey 
which  is  yet  before  us.  We  will  speak  of  it,  how 


THE    MONIKINS.  237 

ever,  for  there  should  be  nothing  totally  concealed 
between  us." 

I  kissed  her  serene  and  humid  eyes,  and  repeated 
what  she  had  just  said,  syllable  for  syllable.  Anna 
has  not  been  unmindful  of  her  words ;  for  rarely, 
indeed,  has  she  touched  on  the  past,  and  then 
oftener  in  allusion  to  her  own  sorrows,  than  in 
reference  to  my  impressions. 

But,  while  the  subject  of  my  voyage  to  the  mani 
kin  region  is,  in  a  measure,  forbidden  between  me  and 
my  wife,  there  exists  no  such  restraint  as  between 
me  and  other  people.  The  reader  may  like  to  know, 
therefore,  what  effect  this  extraordinary  adventure 
has  left  on  my  mind,  after  an  interval  of  ten  years. 

There  have  been  moments  when  the  whole  has 
appeared  a  dream;  but,  on  looking  back,  and 
comparing  it  with  other  scenes  in  which  I  have 
been  an  actor,  I  cannot  perceive  that  this  is  not 
quite  as  indelibly  stamped  on  my  memory  as  those. 
The  facts  themselves,  moreover,  are  so  very  like 
what  I  see  daily  in  the  course  of  occurrence  around 
me,  that  I  have  come  to  the  conclusion,  I  did  go 
to  Leaphigh  in  the  way  related,  and  that  I  must 
have  been  brought  back  during  the  temporary 
insanity  of  a  fever.  I  believe,  therefore,  that  there 
are  such  countries  as  Leaphigh  and  Leaplow;  and, 
after  much  thought,  I  am  of  opinion  that  great  jus 
tice  has  here  been  done  to  the  monikin  character  in 
general. 

The  result  of  much  meditation  on  what  I  wit 
nessed,  has  been  to  produce  sundry  material  changes 
in  my  former  opinions,  and  to  unsettle  even  many 
of  the  notions  in  which  I  may  be  said  to  have  been 
born  and  bred.  In  order  to  consume  as  little  of  the 
reader's  time  as  possible,  I  shall  set  down  £  sum 
mary  of  my  conclusions,  and  then  take  my  leave 


238  THE  MONIKINS. 

of  him,  with  many  thanks  for  his  politeness  in  read 
ing  what  I  have  written.  Before  completing  my 
task  in  this  way,  however,  it  will  be  well  to  add  a 
word  on  the  subject  of  one  or  two  of  my  fellow- 
travellers. 

I  never  could  make  up  my  mind  relating  to  the 
fact  whether  we  did  or  did  not  actually  eat  Briga 
dier  Downright.  The  flesh  *was  so  savory,  and  it 
tasted  so  delicious  after  a  week  of  philosophical 
meditation  on  nuts,  and  the  recollection  of  its  plea 
sures  is  so  very  vivid,  that  I  am  inclined  to  think 
nothing  but  a  good  material  dinner  could  have  left 
behind  it  impressions  so  lively.  I  have  had  many 
melancholy  thoughts  on  this  subject,  especially  in 
November ;  but  observing  that  men  are  constantly 
devouring  each  other,  in  one  shape  or  another,  I 
endeavor  to  make  the  best  of  it,  and  to  persuade 
myself  that  a  slight  difference  in  species  may  ex 
onerate  me  from  the  imputation  of  cannibalism. 

I  often  get  letters  from  Captain  Poke.  He  is  not 
very  explicit  on  the  subject  of  our  voyage,  it  is 
true ;  but,  on  the  whole,  I  have  decided  that  the 
little  ship  he  constructed  was  built  on  the  model  of, 
and  named  after,  our  own  Walrus,  instead  of  our 
own  Walrus  being  built  on  the  model  of,  and  named 
after,  the  little  ship  constructed  by  Captain  Poke. 
I  keep  the  latter,  therefore,  to  show  my  friends  as 
a  proof  of  what  I  tell  them,  knowing  the  importance 
of  visible  testimony  with  ordinary  minds. 

As  for  Bob  and  the  mates,  I  never  heard  any 
more  of  them.  The  former  most  probably  continued 
a  "  kickee"  until  years  and  experience  enabled  him 
to  turn  the  tables  on  humanity,  when,  as  is  usually 
the  case  with  Christians,  Jie  would  be  very  likely  to 
take  up  the  business  of  a  "  kicker"  with  so  much 
the  greater  zeal,  on  account  of  his  early  sufferings. 


THE    MONIKINS.  239 

To  conclude,  my  own  adventures  and  observa 
tions  lead  to  the  following  inferences,  viz. — 

That  every  man  loves  liberty  for  his  own  sake, 
and  very  few  for  the  sake  of  other  people. 

That  moral  saltation  is  very  necessary  to  politi 
cal  success  at  Leaplow,  and  quite  probably  in  many 
other  places. 

That  civilization  is  very  arbitrary,  meaning  one 
thing  in  France,  another  thing  at  Leaphigh,  and 
still  a  third  in  Dorsetshire. 

That  there  is  no  sensible  difference  between  mo 
tives  in  the  polar  region  and  motives  anywhere  else. 

That  truth  is  a  comparative  and  local  property, 
being  much  influenced  by  circumstances ;  particu 
larly  by  climate  and  by  different  public  opinions. 

That  there  is  no  portion  of  human  wisdom  so 
select  and  faultless  that  it  does  not  contain  the 
seeds  of  its  own  refutation. 

That  of  all  the  'ocracies,  (aristocracy  and  democ 
racy  included)  hypocrisy  is  the  most  flourishing. 

That  he  who  is  in  the  clutches  of  the  law  may 
think  himself  lucky  if  he  escape  with  the  loss  of  his 
tail. 

That  liberty  is  a  convertible  term,  which  means 
exclusive  privileges  in  one  country,  no  privileges  in 
another,  and  inclusive  privileges  in  all. 

That  religion  is  a  paradox,  in  which  self»denial 
and  humility  are  proposed  as  tenets,  in  direct  con 
tradiction  to  every  man's  senses. 

That  phrenology  and  caudology  are  sister  sciences, 
one  being  quite  as  demonstrable  as  the  other,  and 
more  too. 

That  philosophy,  sound  principles,  and  virtue,  are 
really  delightful;  but,  after  all,  that  they  are  no  more 
than  so  many  slaves  of  the  belly ;  a  man  usually 
preferring  to  eat  his  best  friend  to  starving. 


240  THE    MOMKINS. 

That  a  little  wheel  and  a  great  wheel  are  as 
necessary  to  the  motion  of  a  commonwealth,  as  to 
the  motion  of  a  stage-coach,  and  that  what  this 
gains  in  periphery  that  makes  up  in  activity,  on  the 
rotatory  principle. 

That  it  is  one  thing  to  have  a  king,  another  to 
have  a  throne,  and  another  to  have  neither. 

That  the  reasoning  which  is  drawn  from  particu 
lar  abuses,  is  no  reasoning  for  general  uses. 

That,  in  England,  if  we  did  not  use  blinkers,  our 
cattle  would  break  our  necks;  whereas,  in  Germany 
we  travel  at  a  good  pace,  allowing  the  horse  the 
use  of  his  eyes;  and  in  Naples  we  fly,  without  even 
a  bit! 

That  the  converse  of  what  has  just  been  said  of 
horses  is  true  of  men,  in  the  three  countries  named. 

That  occultations  of  truth  are  just  as  certain  as 
the  aurora  borealis,  and  quite  as  easily  accounted 
for. 

That  men  who  will  not  shrink  from  the  danger 
and  toil  of  penetrating  the  polar  basin,  will  shrink 
from  the  trouble  of  doing  their  own  thinking,  and 
put  themselves,  like  Captain  Poke,  under  the  con 
voy  of  a  God-like. 

That  all  our  wisdom  is  insufficient  to  protect  us 
from  frauds,  one  outwitting  us  by  gyrations  and 
flapjacks,  and  another  by  adding  new  joints  to  the 
cauda. 

That  men  are  not  very  scrupulous  touching  the 
humility  due  to  God,  but  are  so  tenacious  of  their 
own  privileges  in  this  particular,  they  will  confide  in 
plausible  rogues  rather  than  in  plain-dealing  honesty. 

That  they  who  rightly  appreciate  the  foregoing 
facts,  are  People's  Friends,  and  become  the  salt  of 
the  earth — yea,  even  the  Most  Patriotic  Patriots ! 

That  it  is  fortunate  "  all  will  come  right  in  Hea- 


THE   MONIKINS.  241 

ven,"  for  it  is  certain  too  much  goes  wrong  on 
earth. 

That  the  social-stake  system  has  one  distinctive 
merit ;  that  of  causing  the  owners  of  vested  rights 
to  set  their  own  interests  in  motion,  while  those  of 
their  fellow-citizens  must  follow,  as  a  matter  of 
course,  though  perhaps  a  little  clouded  by  the  dust 
raised  by  their  leaders. 

That  he  who  has  an  Anna,  has  the  best  invest 
ment  in  humanity ;  and  that  if  he  has  any  repetition 
of  his  treasure,  it  is  better  still. 

That  money  commonly  purifies  the  spirit  as  wine 
quenches  thirst ;  and  therefore  it  is  wise  to  commit 
all  our  concerns  to  the  keeping  of  those  who  have 
most  of  it. 

That  others  seldom  regard  us  in  the  same  light 
we  regard  ourselves ;  witness  the  manner  in  which 
Dr.  Reasono  converted  me  from  a  benefactor  into 
the  travelling  tutor  of  Prince  Bob. 

That  honors  are  sweet  even  to  the  most  humble, 
as  is  shown  by  the  satisfaction  of  Noah  in  being 
made  a  Lord  High  Admiral. 

That  there  is  no  such  stimulant  of  humanity,  as 
a  good  moneyed  stake  in  its  advancement. 

That  though  the  mind  may  be  set  on  a  very  im 
proper  and  base  object,  it  will  not  fail  to  seek  a  good 
motive  for  its  justification,  few  men  being  so  hard 
ened  in  any  grovelling  passion,  that  they  will  not 
endeavor  to  deceive  themselves,  as  well  as  their 
neighbors. 

That  academies  promote  good  fellowship  in  know 
ledge,  and  good  fellowship  in  knowledge  promotes 
F.  U.  D.  G.  E.s,  and  H.  p.  A.  X.es. 

That  a  political  rolling-pin,  though  a  very  good 
thing  to  level  rights  and  privileges,  is  a  very  bad 
thing  to  level  houses,  temples,  and  other  matters 
that  might  be  named. 

VOL.  II.  21 


242  THE   MONIKINS. 

That  the  system  of  governing  by  proxy  is  more 
extended  than  is  commonly  supposed;  in  one  coun 
try  a  king  resorting  to  its  use,  and  in  another  the 
people. 

That  there  is  no  method  by  which  a  man  can  be 
made  to  covet  a  tail,  so  sure  as  by  supplying  all 
his  neighbors,  and  excluding  him  by  an  especial 
edict. 

That  the  perfection  of  consistency  in  a  nation,  is 
to  dock  itself  at  home,  while  its  foreign  agents 
furiously  cultivate  caudce  abroad. 

That  names  are  far  more  useful  than  things, 
being  more  generally  understood,  less  liable  to 
objections,  of  greater  circulation,  besides  occupy 
ing  much  less  room. 

That  ambassadors  turn  the  back  of  the  throne 
outward,  aristocrats  draw  a  crimson  curtain  before 
it,  and  a  king  sits  on  it. 

That  nature  has  created  inequalities  in  men  and 
things,  and,  as  human  institutions  are  intended  to 
prevent  the  strong  from  oppressing  the  weak,  ergo, 
the  laws  should  encourage  natural  inequalities  as  a 
legitimate  consequence. 

That,  moreover,  the  laws  of  nature  having  made 
one  man  wise  and  another  man  foolish — this  strong, 
and  that  weak,  human  laws  should  reverse  it  all, 
by  making  another  man  wise  and  one  man  foolish 
— that  strong  and  this  weak.  On  this  conclusion  I 
obtained  a  peerage. 

That  God-likes  are  commonly  Riddles,  and  Rid 
dles,  with  many  people,  are,  as  a  matter  of  course, 
God-likes. 

That  the  expediency  of  establishing  the  base  of 
society  on  a  principle  of  the  most  sordid  character, 
one  that  is  denounced  by  the  revelations  of  God,' 
and  proved  to  be  insufficient  by  the  experience  of 


THE   MOtflKINS*  243 

man,  may  at  least  be  questioned  without  properly 
subjecting  the  dissenter  to  the  imputation  of  being 
a  sheep-stealer. 

That  we  seldom  learn  moderation  under  any  po 
litical  excitement,  until  forty  thousand  square  miles 
of  territory  are  blown  from  beneath  our  feet. 

That  it  is  not  an  infallible  sign  of  great  mental 
refinement  to  bespatter  our  fellow-creatures,  while 
every  nerve  is  writhing  in  honor  of  our  pigs,  our 
cats,  our  stocks  and  our  stones. 

That  select  political  wisdom,  like  select  schools, 
propagates  much  questionable  knowledge. 

That  the  whole  people  is  not  infallible,  neither  is 
a  part  of  the  people  infallible. 

That  love  for  the  species  is  a  godlike  and  pure 
sentiment ;  but  the  philanthropy  which  is  dependent 
on  buying  land  by  the  square  mile,  and  selling  it  by 
the  square  foot,  is  stench  in  the  nostrils  of  the  just. 

That  one  thoroughly  imbued  with  republican 
simplicity  invariably  squeezes  himself  into  a  little 
wheel,  in  order  to  show  how  small  he  can  become 
at  need. 

That  habit  is  invincible,  an  Esquimaux  preferring 
whale's  blubber  to  beef-steak,  a  native  of  the  Gold 
Coast  cherishing  his  tom-tom  before  a  band  of 
music,  and  certain  travelled  countrymen  of  our 
own  saying  "  Commend  me  to  the  English  skies." 

That  arranging  a  fact  by  reason  is  embarrassing, 
and  admits  of  cavilling;  while  adapting  a  reason  to 
a  fact  is  a  very  natural,  easy,  every-day,  and  some 
times  necessary,  process. 

That  what  men  affirm  for  their  own  particular 
interests  they  will  swear  to  in  the  end,  although  it 
should  be  a  proposition  as  much  beyond  the  neces 
sity  of  an  oath,  as  that  "  black  is  white." 

That  national  allegories  exist  everywhere,  the 


244  THE    MON1KINS. 

only  difference  between  them  arising  from  erada 
tions  in  the  richness  of  imaginations. 

And  finally: — 

That  men  have  more  of  the  habits,  propensi 
ties,  dispositions,  cravings,  antics,  gratitude,  flap- 
jacks,  and  honesty  of  monikins,  than  is  generally 


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The  monikins< 


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